


Him & I

by Hichanchen, Smut_Hemingway



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Because Hyungwon is addicted to sex, Blowjob Liszt, Classical music boner, Complete, Crack, Enemies to Lovers, Fluff and Smut, Fluff because Hyungwon is a hoe for it, Hoseok has a huge piano, Hoseok is personality goals, Hoseok is straight as fuck but that's not the point, HyungWonho - Freeform, Hyungwon is fucked in the head, Hyungwon is the epitome of gay, M/M, Mental Health Is Important, Pianist/Singer Hoseok, Power Bottom Hyungwon, Scientifically accurate and well researched, Smut, There's a lot of smut, They really hate each other, because real life is crack, but so is hoseok, dj hyungwon, mentions of physical and mental abuse, scientifically accurate, top wonho, yes piano
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-02-24 00:56:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 182,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13202271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hichanchen/pseuds/Hichanchen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smut_Hemingway/pseuds/Smut_Hemingway
Summary: Hyungwon is a DJ who deals with his negative experiences through music, appearing perfectly composed on the outside but harbouring a mass of negativity on the inside.Hoseok is a genius pianist with an extraordinary memory and special auditory perception. His life consists of suboptimal social relationships and having a profession he doesn't like, music being his only possibility to deal with the complexity of life.Fucked up circumstances force them to deal with each other further and unveil intense dynamics and tension, scars and weaknesses lingering under the surface of mutual hate and revealing that things are rarely as easy as they seem.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dear readers,
> 
> as we've already announced another Hyungwonho Fic is coming your way. Him & I is an intense ride and pretty different from our previous work. The character development is crazy and we hope you will stay with us through the updates, which will come every second day, as we've written most of it already.
> 
>  **ALSO:** For those of you who have been readers for along time, or maybe those who read one work and would love to have it on their bookshelf:  
>  As there have been a lot of requests we have finally created **hard-cover versions** of our books that we ship **worldwide.**  
>  For those of you who are interested, you can find all the information on our homepage [HERE.](https://smutsis.com)  
>   
> We write one character each,  
> @Hichanchen writes Hyungwon (and Minhyuk+Jooheon) and  
> @Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok (and Kihyun+Changkyun)
> 
> Hit us up on Twitter  
> @Hichanchen  
> @Smut_Hemingway
> 
> We are extremely happy about every comment and every click. You are one of the major reasons we write. (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)

A huge drop of water landed on the sidewalk in front of Hyungwon, turning the grey color of the pavement into something much darker, but also much dirtier. Whenever it rained the city acquired an evil and hopeless glow despite the red and orange rooftops in the central quarters. When the buildings were tall enough, even a red roof couldn’t save you from storm, clouds and muddy streets.

Another drop landed on top of his pitch black hair and he flinched, his large hand immediately reaching up to move through the short strands, fluffing them up to remove the unpleasant cold from his scalp. Not hesitating any longer he flipped his backpack to the front, grabbed the black snapback with the elements ‘O’ and ‘Mg’ from the periodic table, and pulled it over his head. It was nerdy as fuck, but he got it back when he had started his degree and it fit his head like a second skin, comfortable but not tousling his hair either.

The rain picked up, drizzle turning into the amount of water you could expect coming from a water gun, those you could buy at a one euro store and throw away the next day. Still he was too stingy to get a taxi and walking for 30 minutes had never killed anybody - unless you walked through some of the nastier areas of Berlin of course - but Hyungwon had never really worried about that for various reasons.

Arriving at the Berghain nightclub, he sighed at having to walk around the gigantic concrete building. Had Hyungwon not known that it was the most famous club in the city, he would have thought twice before agreeing to have a gig there. The building looked like a typical industrial construction, huge windows, brown and otherwise there was nothing really remarkable about it. Except for the fact that it had been a power plant before, fit about 1500 people and had the best sound system in Berlin.

_ Let’s hope it’s not radioactive or anything and won’t shrivel up your dick, Hyungwon. _

The bouncer in front of the back door looked much more like a serious security company employee, than those at some of the other places Hyungwon had worked before. Lifting his snapback quickly to let the guy recognize him he winked and passed through the door, even more concrete greeting him, improved by colorful lights. 

“H.One?” a voice on the side asked him, strong bass and the high-pitched voice of a woman pounding through the walls and making an answer without direct human contact impossible. Hyungwon just nodded instead of replying and grinned, removing his snapback for good and raking his long fingers through his hair.

The sturdy guy in a suit just stared back, probably supposed to keep the gigantic stick up his arse during his shift and gestured at Hyungwon to follow him. 

It didn’t take long to feel at home. The 18 meter high ceiling and the distribution of speakers including the general quality of the audio equipment alone would have been sufficient to get Hyungwon hard, but the paycheck that was waiting for him, just for DJing at the after party of a concert, topped the whole deal off.

While the crowd roared to whatever his forerunner turned on as an inbetween playlist Hyungwon checked the equipment, making sure his playlist was perfect and the lighting was to his liking. He had gone through the whole process two days ago with a few organizers, but preferred to be safe than sorry. 

“I haven’t seen you at the concert,” a blonde guy in a yellow shirt screamed next to him, loud enough to get his attention and dressed vibrantly enough to get eye cancer at the same time. The guy had a German accent and probably assumed that Hyungwon couldn’t speak German just because he was Asian. It had to be his forerunner based on the techno music playing and the way he kept his posture, pretending to be relaxed but also obviously uncomfortable, probably because of having performed before Hyungwon.

“I don’t check out concerts when the music is shit,” Hyungwon replied calmly, taking a glance at his playlist for the last time before giving a sign that he was ready to start whenever the organizers wanted him to. He had no intention to sound rude, but he was unable to have a proper conversation when he prepared for work, unless it consisted of bodies grinding to his music. The concert had been some cheesy pop and the previous DJ had raped their ears with techno. Getting a little EDM shoved down their throats would make the evening worthwhile then. The blonde guy was not too offended, agreeing and waving shortly before he disappeared into the crowd.

Hyungwon moved a hand through his hair again, loosened the first two buttons of his black shirt and dropped the fucking beat, eyes closed and sinking into his element. The crowd was loving it, masses of celebrities shook their asses to his remixes, clinked their cocktail glasses and attempted to get laid or to dance their hearts out. The DJ was ready to provide the right background music for all of the above in a perfect mixture.

There weren’t many things that Hyungwon disliked about his job. It was his passion and he had been doing it for years, brain not even remembering how he had started and whether the music was any good back then (It wasn’t). However, when you were a DJ people often had the impression that you functioned as a jukebox, pressing a button and playing whichever song they wanted you to play.

Well, surprise, Hyungwon wasn’t a fucking jukebox and didn’t give a shit about what people wanted him to play. His playlist was set and the only time he adjusted it was when he felt that the crowd needed another lit bop before he blew them away with sexy shit. 

The first girl that came over to his booth to request a song was already piss drunk, unable to keep her knees facing the same direction and wore something that resembled the underwear Minhyuk had given Hyungwon for Christmas to annoy the shit out of him. Red shorts, a bra with fluffy edges and both ugly as fuck.

“Hey cutie, d’ya think you could play ‘Let me take a selfie’ for me?”

Hyungwon cringed at the way she stretched the sound of ‘me’, resembling a sheep that was giving birth. Removing his headphones completely instead of only one side, sufficient to hear his own voice while answering her, he smiled sweetly and pointed towards the dance floor.

“Sorry hun, I don’t play crappy music. Just return to the dance floor and do what you’ve been doing, alright?” Luckily his denial had been enough for her not-so-drunk friend to grab her around the waist and lead her back to the dance floor. The disadvantage of playing for celebrities was that they could come up to him since he wasn’t properly separated from the crowd, dancefloor visible and close enough to see the sweat on the two guys doing the helicopter dick at the front. Hyungwon grinned at them before closing his eyes and moving to the beat, switching it up a little and loving how the crowd lost it at the bass drop, limbs flying around and light bright enough at intervals to see sweat drops glistening in the air.

He felt a touch on his arm and almost pressed the wrong button as he spotted a blonde asian guy asking him something he couldn't decipher. While touching. His arm. What the fuck? That was a first. Usually people were at least decent enough to try to talk to him first or jump around in front of his box like idiots until he saw them. Annoyed at the random physical contact, he removed his headphones and stared at the bright hair.

“What do you want, Blondie?”

The other man opened his mouth to say something but Hyungwon’s words met his eardrums and his lips just stayed parted, eyes widening, hand still in place. 

“Changed your mind? I’d close that if you don’t want to catch anything nasty,” the DJ remarked, clearly amused by the lack of reaction. The other's face looked hilarious.

“Wow, dude, you seem pissed that you can't score tonight. I understand. I'll introduce you to some gorgeous ladies later, if you're nice and play the new ‘Wonho’ song for me.” The man smiled at him and the lights lit up at the exact moment, blinding Hyungwon like a fucking sun. He squeezed his eyes shut in reflex. 

Of course it was just another person requesting a song. A shitty song.

“Listen, Blondie, I don’t play shit music and your girls won’t help you there either. Maybe you’ll find one that’ll sing it into your ear or something.” He put his headphones back on and turned away, ready to switch the song to a nicely remixed version of ‘Mic Drop’. He was sufficiently patriotic to promote Korean a little although he never wanted to go back there. 

The man's eyes widened and he kept staring up, like a mental person, crossing his arms in front of his chest. Hyungwon could tell from the corner of his eye, but wasn’t willing to react, at least not until he performed his fabulous switch and heard the crowd scream a little. He beat-matched the previous song and ‘Mic Drop’ before adjusting the BPM’s and nodding along to the bass of the song. Still feeling the other's gaze on his face, he turned towards the dude with bad taste.

His gaze had changed and the soft expression on the blonde’s face turned into something rather nasty. His mouth moved, but Hyungwon couldn’t hear a word. Rolling his eyes he took off his headphones, smiling at him.

“What?”

“You're pretty confident for someone who thinks a MacBook is an instrument.” The other man grinned shamelessly. “But that's okay, little boy, you can play with the trivial stuff until you grow up and learn about music.”    
  
Hyungwon’s fist tingled with the wish to get familiar with the prominent facial features of the guy in front of him. He didn’t even own a fucking MacBook. What the fuck? Taking a deep breath he grinned, adjusting the beat to the feeling of the crowd, a little faster.

“Considering you’re at the after party of a teenage girl singer, I’m not sure you can talk to me about music, Blondie. Maybe you’re blind or apparently not aware of what a MacBook actually looks like, but sure whine about not getting what you want.”

“I almost started crying at your pathetic insults before I remembered that you're the after act of the teenage girl singer. Sure, I understand you having blue balls and everything but don't bitch around at people you don't know.” The guy turned around, showing off his crazy muscular back in a tight black shirt, and disappeared in the crowd. 

Hyungwon would have tapped that, had it not been an arrogant piece of shit, talking about pussy.

Shrugging, he just fixed his headphones in place and focused on his job, the music related one and not the avoidance-of-shitty-song-requests-and being-insulted-for-no-reason one. He had no problems with being the after act of a teenage pop singer. He wasn’t doing the teenage pop after all, but the EDM for people to shake their asses to. There were a lot of dicks in the world and Hyungwon genuinely hoped that this one wouldn’t score.

Like ever. For the quality of the world population.

After looking over the crowd quickly, he recognized the blonde, muscular asshole, showing him the middle finger while smiling brightly, directly in his face. 

_ Holy fuck, that’s one stingy and resentful cupboard-sized prick. _

Hyungwon smiled sweetly in return, licking his middle finger and pointing it right back before switching tracks to something lighter, blowing the mind without blowing the ears. He shut his eyes again, focusing on the music instead of the source of his amusement in the crowd and played his new song.

The fifth time someone came over, Hyungwon was ready to pretend he couldn’t see, using his acting lessons in high school properly and grasping around the buttons as if they were just darkness in front of him. Luckily, it hadn't been necessary. The short guy was just someone giving him a thumbs up and returning to the crowd. Why couldn’t everybody be like that? Appreciating his work without constantly demanding things. He smiled right back and gave the guy a thumbs up too before returning to his mixing.

The crowd was lit despite their shit taste in concerts, dancing until the early hours. When 6AM hit, Hyungwon played his last lit bop and said goodbye, enjoying the cheers and personal handshakes some of the patrons wanted to give him. Alcohol made people really friendly sometimes, clasping his hand repeatedly. A chick even pushed her number scribbled on a tissue into his jeans before he could stop her. He just grinned and packed up his equipment, letting the organizers handle the rest. 

Walking out into the fresh air, he felt how tired he really was for the first time. The rain had stopped but the air was moist, pleasant after the stuffy club air (despite the 18 meter ceiling Hyungwon was absolutely in love with). 

After the first ten minutes of walking through the cold and pulling his leather jacket closer around his chest, he cursed whatever the fuck he had been thinking before coming to the venue, deciding that a leather jacket and walking by foot was a good idea. Fresh air was lovely and all unless it froze your fucking face within a few seconds. He could have called a taxi but after ten minutes of walking it had already seemed like a waste of money. 

Breathing rhythmically, he ran the last few minutes, arriving at the building and opening the door as fast as he could, fingers frozen and barely hitting the keyhole. Once he managed he quickly got in, closing the heavy, wooden door behind himself and running up the one short flight of stairs to his apartment. He had been lucky to get one on the ground floor back when he moved to Berlin and he hadn’t been willing to leave it ever since. He wasn’t lazy per se but when he was tired as fuck it was a real challenge to crawl down more than one flight of stairs (or basically all the time, considering him being a clumsy bitch).

His second key challenge was interrupted by a barely awake Jooheon in boxers, loose, white shirt covering his chest and hair sticking out all over the place. 

“Get in and stop fumbling like an ass with two left hands,” he mumbled before groaning and disappearing into his own room. Hyungwon laughed at the bird’s nest on his head but had the decency to be a little quieter. Jooheon had no rap gig that day and was probably trying to get into a normal sleeping cycle before the semester started again, focusing on his studies for a few weeks before continuing with the rap battles. 

Emptying a glass of water Hyungwon got out of his sweaty clothes, dry from the cold but still disgusting enough to take a quick shower before going to bed. The sun was already rising and he closed the blinds completely, throwing himself on his bed after drying his hair in a matter of five seconds. If he didn’t like it there was still tomorrow to think about it.

He didn’t even bother to get dressed before he curled up in the two blankets he had kept on his bed, in case someone stayed over, and fell asleep in a matter of seconds, trying to match a beat to Jooheon’s soft snores pervading the wall.

  
  


***

 

  
Kids, don’t smoke, don’t drink and most definitely don’t fuck around when you have to get up at ass o’clock for a fucking interview. Scratch that, if you have to get up at all. Just don’t fucking do it.   
  
_Shit._  
  
Disgusting had been an absolute understatement. His whole body smelled like a giant cigarette, his head felt like a brain-cell cemetery and the pathetic attempt at getting his voice back resulted in an inhuman noise.  
  
 _Is it the first time? No, Hoseok, it’s the every-fuckingth-time. You have to look good and answer questions politely while smiling like a retard. Fuck. What the fuck is wrong with you?_ _  
_ _  
_Rolling down his bed and landing on the carpet, he tried to achieve a vertical position, failing repeatedly and laughing like a maniac, before a head appeared in the door crack.  
  
“First I thought you were fucking a lion, judging by the noise coming out of your room, and now I’m not sure what to think. Why are you rolling around on the floor...naked? Did you take something yesterday?” Changkyun looked mildly disgusted which was absolutely relatable considering the sight.   
  
“I’m trying to stand up, but the hangover is no joke. I have to be at the rolling stone in an hour, looking acceptable and everything.” His voice sounded so hoarse that he wondered whether he should’ve postponed the interview. But he remembered that the company had waited so long for the opportunity to get invited, so he gave up and tried to lift himself up on the bed.  
  
“Aahahha, just roll there, like a rolling stone. It would totally fit. I made you coffee. Where’s the chick from yesterday?” The pun was so bad that he started laughing, before feeling vomit crawling up his throat and forcing himself to stop.  
  
“She left at eight or something, thankfully, would’ve been a mess if she didn’t. Give me like- 20 minutes and I’ll be out.” Hoseok exhaled, trying to ignore the disgusting taste in his mouth and the alcohol he could smell on himself while he talked.   
  
After an incredibly hot shower and brushing his teeth thrice, he felt more or less acceptable. Sliding into the soft fabric of the black shirt, buttoning up and forcing his thighs into those illegally tight pants, he sincerely hoped that the interviewer was a woman and satisfied just by looking at his pretty face.   
  
_Just don’t say anything stupid, Hoseok, use your brain. Well, at least what’s left of it after half a bottle of vodka_.  
  
He styled his hair messily, knowing that the magazine stylists would ruin it for the photoshoot anyway, put his Bose headphones on and pressed play. Beethoven’s piano sonata Nr. 3 C-Dur op. 2 Nr. 3 started playing. His limbs felt like air and his thoughts became fluid in the flow of the keys, fast then slow, auditory sensations occupying everything.   
  
Waiting for the cab, he thought about coming to Berlin to study piano and composition at the University of the Arts six years ago. He had played the instrument since he was four and there had been nothing he loved more than that. Finishing his studies as the best after only four years, he had gotten the opportunity to sing, because some entertainment company recruiter had discovered him in a vocal/instrumental performance. Singing was nice, but he wasn’t able to put in as much composing as he would’ve liked to. Piles of music paper graced his grand piano, dozens of compositions he had created because it was his passion which he wasn’t able to put anywhere.   
  
_But they do pay you well and you can live off that, so be thankful._ _  
_ _  
_True, he had been able to rent an apartment together with Changkyun and had money to have fun here and there, while sending his mom pretty, expensive gifts for all possible occasions. His popularity was okay, people knew him, but it wasn’t bothersome. Germany’s fan culture was absolutely bearable. Of course there were people who didn’t like his music. He also didn’t like it.  
 __  
That arrogant stick asshole.   
  
Hoseok remembered the DJ from his own after party, telling him that his music was shit. He had felt so offended because he was a virtuose when it came to his instrument, if he played alone that is, but he wasn’t famous for that, unfortunately. As a result he had to endure people who turned knobs, thinking they were the shit, looking down on his music. He was so angry. He wanted to see the fucker’s expression when Hoseok played the Chopin Polonaise No. 6 in A-Flat Major, Op. 53 in his nasty, arrogant face.

_ Could you though? Probably not. _

The stylists didn’t do an entirely bad job. He looked good, his blonde bangs were falling softly over his forehead and his makeup was on point. The interviewer was indeed a woman and Kihyun, his manager, was satisfied.    


The flow of the interview was nice, a smile here and a gaze there had kept the pretty lady entertained, until she asked about the popular EDM DJs and whether he would consider collaborating with one of them.   
  
“I think people these days don’t really care about music. I had a concert yesterday and the DJ at my after party was a perfect example of why people should educate themselves before working in a domaine like music.” Hoseok tried hard not to curse.   
_   
_ _ Well done, sweetie, just tell her you don’t like him taking your toys, you kindergarten kid. _   
  
“Oh you mean DJ H.One? He is really popular at the moment. I thought you two would get along well, isn’t that so?” The woman smiled at him while holding the microphone into his face, waiting for an answer.   
  
_ Don’t tell her you want to choke him, Hoseok. Don’t. Say something nice. _   
  
“The lack of respect he showed towards music as an art is something I find very unfortunate. I also doubt that his skills are exceptional in any way.” Well, that went well. He needed to change the topic as soon as possible and elaborated further. “Well, it doesn't matter though. We all have our discrepancies so I guess he’s doing his thing and I’m doing mine.”   
  
__ Well done, that’s my boy.   
  
After a couple of questions regarding his music style and his relationship status which was non-existent, Hoseok was done and went home, still feeling like a huge pile of shit. 

Kihyun told him about a indoor festival he was invited to. He had five days to get his shit together and sleep like a sloth, before he pulled another 48 hours without sleeping. Singing and dancing instead and hopefully having fun with some gorgeous ladies that were into his music, unlike that selfish H.One bastard.    
  
The apartment seemed so lonely since Changkyun had drowned in a relationship with the beautiful red-haired English girl who came to Berlin for a semester abroad. He basically just hung out at her place 24/7, not giving Hoseok the attention he deserved. Although it was partially better like that. The poor thing would’ve been terrified by the amount of ladies Hoseok had over.    
  
He sat down at his grand piano, hitting a key with his index finger and producing a beautiful C. The acoustics of the apartment were good and he drowned in music, the rest of his fingers joining, playing over four octaves, back and forth. His eyes were closed, arms and body moving to the flow of the melody, carrying his mind away, somewhere far, to a place that felt like home.    
  
It was a pity that being a real artist in the modern society wasn’t considered as something desirable. DJs and pop singers had gotten money for shit and musicians who were really talented and skilled had to wait for a long time to be able to get a spot in a prestigious orchestra, where the money was not the best either to be honest. It wasn't a surprise that most people were uneducated philistines, reading gossip on twitter and watching cat videos.   
  
He rolled up in his blanket, massaging his hands after playing piano for two and a half hours, like the mental person he was and wondering how old style buildings could be so fucking cold. It was six years since he had moved to Germany, but he just couldn’t accept the freezing cold in the late autumn. L.A. had always been warm. He hadn’t known what a winter jacket was, before he had come here. Hoseok smiled at the memory of him going shopping with his mother for the last time, her buying him an insane amount of winter clothing, as if it was the only thing he needed when going abroad.  
  
_ She is probably missing you a lot. _   
  
He missed his mother too. Being all alone by himself in a foreign country was strange, not because of the loneliness but because of the different environment. He accommodated well, knew people and was kind of successful, but the implicit feeling of loneliness only changed when he sat at the piano hitting the keys, tenderly moving his fingers over his lover, black and white.    
  
The bell rang, but he didn’t go, knowing it would’ve been the neighbours asking him whether he was mad and to turn down the volume of the piano music. As if it was possible, fucking idiots. 

His next apartment should definitely be on the ground floor.    
  


  
***

 

Hyungwon was sitting in the kitchen in his boxers and watched the gigantic beef sandwich in his right hand disappear in his mouth, while Jooheon was sitting on the chair across from him, judging hard.

“When will you learn to eat like a normal person?” the rapper asked and licked his spoon, incredibly slowly like he always did. Hyungwon had already inhaled most of his sandwich and Jooheon was only at his third spoon. How he managed to write rap lyrics with all the time he spent on food was a mystery. Taking another gigantic bite and chewing it quickly, Hyungwon lifted his index finger, preparing for a short speech.

“As the great Chester Bennington once said ‘time is a valuable thing’, Jooheon. Watch and learn.” Without any further hesitation the DJ stuffed the rest of the sandwich into his mouth and rubbed his hands to get stray crumbs off. Still chewing and barely breathing, he semi-threw his plate and the empty coffee cup into the sink before walking over to his room. He didn’t have a gig until two days later but he sure as hell wanted to finish his new song until then, play it at the festival for the first time and see how people reacted.

Pulling some casual ripped jeans and a huge hoodie over his body he returned to the kitchen, sitting down next to Jooheon instead of across and watched him eat. 

“Are you ready for the beginning of the semester?” he asked, gaze not leaving the rapper’s face. The spoon that had been barely moving before dipped into the cereal faster, bowl emptying with each dip.

“I’ll be perfectly ready as long as you don’t wake me up in the morning and don’t compose at night. When I have gigs it’s fine, but during semester it’s seriously torture.”

Hyungwon felt a little bad because Jooheon was right. Since his popularity had spiked he was constantly gone at night, doing gigs and making beats and remixes during the day. When Jooheon had his own performances he didn’t give a shit, returning even later than Hyungwon sometimes, but when he didn’t their schedules collided painfully.

“Could you stop watching me eat like a creep? It’s a little uncomfortable.”

Laughing out loud Hyungwon hit the rapper’s back, most of the cereal almost landing on the table with how strongly he coughed. Rubbing his shoulders soothingly Hyungwon grabbed a glass of water and gave it to him, his adam’s apple bobbing with how quickly the other man swallowed it down. 

“You eat faster when I watch you,” he remarked and took a wet tissue to wipe over the table.

“I also eat faster when I am not forced to watch you deepthroating a sandwich. What are you constantly trying to do, practise?” Jooheon laughed and finally inserted the last spoon into his mouth before throwing his bowl into the sink, just as Hyungwon had previously. Smirking and slowly raising his eyebrows the DJ winked at him. 

“I don’t need practise, Jooheon. If you wouldn’t be so hesitant you might even know.” Blowing the rapper a kiss and laughing at the curses following him all the way to the living room, Hyungwon threw himself on the couch, ready to power nap again before he began his music creation spree.

The sudden scream from the front door almost gave him an epileptic seizure, legs lifting off the ground and breath hitching.

“Hyungwon, what have you done?”

Minhyuk’s voice resembled a rodent, high-pitched and in panic. He ran through the door, waving a magazine around and pointing at it with wide eyes, as if the sight alone should have been sufficient to know what was up.

“What’s the matter, Minhyuk, did you get turned down again? Your favourite artist is dating? Someone did a nude photoshoot and you need to share?” Hyungwon asked, having calmed down sufficiently after the shock and crossing his legs on the couch, all the while tapping the area next to him.

Instead of answering Minhyuk just threw his scrawny ass on Hyungwon’s hand and held the magazine right in front of his face. Unable to read it, the DJ grumbled, rubbing his hurt hand and shoving the page a bit further away from him, staring at the gigantic red letters of the headline.

‘DJ H.One should go educate himself in music.’

_ What? _   
  
“What the fuck is this?” Hyungwon heard himself say, voice dangerously quiet, ready to rip the magazine to pieces. Who the hell were they to criticise him out of the blue?

Minhyuk tapped his shoulder impatiently, getting him out of his trance.    
  
“Did you piss off Wonho or something? What did you do?”

_ Wonho? _

There was no way he could have pissed off the singer. Especially after playing at the dude’s after party, which had gone particularly well. He had received lots of positive feedback and love calls from other celebrities wanting him to DJ at their events. Why would the artist be upset with him?

Impatient he read the rest of the article, mentioning nothing much except for an extensive description of how he had no talent, didn’t know what real music was and deserved none of the attention he received. 

Wow, someone had been really angry with him. It reminded Hyungwon of that time his friend’s nephew drew pictures of a dick and stuck them to all of Hyungwon’s clothes with glue, exacting vengeance on him for beating the kid in a round of Mario Kart.

_ What the hell did you do to piss off a teenage heartthrob? _

He glanced at the rest of the page, pictures over pictures of makeup covered humans, until he saw familiar blonde hair, right next to the article. The inscription read ‘Wonho - Singer’.  
  
“Blondie?” Hyungwon exclaimed, genuinely surprised that he had not known that the person requesting shitty songs at the event had been Wonho asking the DJ to play his own music. Now that was a little pathetic, wasn’t it? 

_ Who the hell asks for his own music at a party? _

Laughing, Hyungwon read through the article again, amazed that he pissed off the pop singer so much that the other had considered it necessary to complain about it to a magazine. There was no way in hell that he would reply to that. It was childish to argue over the media.

Minhyuk was just sitting there and staring at him.    
  
“Did you have sex with him and upset him Hyungwon?”

The DJ choked on his own saliva, coughing and throwing Minhyuk an incredulous look.    
  
“You know I don’t give a shit about the media. Why would I throw myself on the knife like this? He’s not my type and a cupboard-sized prick. In addition I don’t sleep with anybody known by more than 15 people.” Huffing loudly, Hyungwon pushed himself further into the pillows and lifted his foot, kicking the magazine out of Minhyuk’s hands. He raised one eyebrow and leaned his head on his palm, looking fabulous.

Minhyuk just stared at him without moving for a whole minute before he cracked up so badly that Hyungwon could feel a little bit of spit on his nose. Wiping it off he glared at the other man who was still laughing in his face, finger pointing at his chest.

“You must be fucking kidding me, Chae Hyungwon. If this cupboard-sized, beautiful, muscle mass is not your type then I am not thirsting after Jooheon’s dick.” 

Hyungwon clicked his tongue at the words and grinned nastily. It took Minhyuk about 10 seconds until he realized what Hyungwon looking snarky after being insulted meant. 

“Shit, please tell me that he’s not home,” the bordeaux-haired boy whispered, eyes panic-stricken and looking around as if the police was after him. It was cute.

“Unfortunately he is and I could bet that he heard it. Don’t worry I’ll tell him it was just you mentioning two very, very unlikely things, right?” Hyungwon loved it when he won an argument by chance. Laughing loudly he got more comfortable and took another glance at the magazine. Blondie had much more makeup than at the club, skin basically flawless and pale, fitting his blonde hair. The smile was the same though. It appeared friendly even though it had been the same one Hyungwon received paired with a middle finger.

_ That’s what comes with being a heartthrob. _

Feeling his phone vibrate in his pocket he threw the journal into Minhyuk’s face with a nasty giggle and picked up, voice low. 

“How can I help you?”

The person on the other end shuffled a few documents around and cleared their throat before a female voice hit his ear. 

“Am I speaking to DJ H.One? Would you prefer German or English?”

Hyungwon chuckled at how little the person on the other end cared about whether he actually was DJ H.One considering they immediately asked him about his language preferences. 

“Yes, whichever you prefer.”

It didn’t take long for the high-pitched female voice on the other end to switch to German, asking him whether he would be willing to conduct a short interview. Since when did people from shitty celebrity magazines want his interviews? He never did interviews except for that one underground newspaper that asked him about his inspiration and how he got into DJing. That had been one really nice talk, nothing compared to the questions the woman at the other end of the receiver kept throwing at him.

“How do you feel about Wonho denouncing your skills?”

_ So that’s what all of this is about. They want an answer. _

“Will it be sufficient for you if I tell you my opinion over the phone? Unfortunately I am not too fond of interviews. I’d love to but they make me rather uncomfortable, so I prefer to DJ in peace. However, if I can just answer a few questions on the phone that is fine with me.”

Hyungwon did his best to sound professional and nice, not sending the interviewer back to where she came from, the depths of media hell and awakened survival instinct. Staring at his nails and how they looked against Minhyuk’s red jeans, he nodded at the other man to feel free to leave and do as he wished.

“Right now?” the woman asked and she sounded hopeful. Of course she did, thinking that Hyungwon was going to answer her questions without a contract or anything of the like.

“No, after you have sent me a contract with the conditions and how you wish to publish the audio interview. Depending on your offer I might consider a personal interview, but I’m not interested in a photoshoot. At all.” His answer must have been clear enough, since the woman immediately thanked him and cancelled the call. If he was lucky she wouldn’t even call again, letting the insult die just like all other scandals in the past years.

Minhyuk was still sitting next to him, staring and patting his knee. 

“I’m proud of you for turning her down. They want you to comment on the Wonho thing? You won’t, right?” Grinning Hyungwon stood up and stretched his legs. 

“I’ll see.”

There was no way that he wouldn’t answer. He’d just have to find a more sophisticated way to do it. Nothing like a general interview, but one where he could control (at least partially) how his words got out to the public. 

_ Just take the one that pays more, Hyungwon. _

Or that.

Throughout the whole day Hyungwon barely managed to concentrate, interviewers had been constantly calling him and wished for a reply to the ‘hurtful insults he endured’. The formulations got more and more dramatic and his patience was running out. He had actually intended on concentrating on his new track instead of the newly developed hate a random singer had for him.

Checking his email account out of boredom and the inability to focus, he was hit with over 10 emails with interview offers.

_ Holy shit. _

Hyungwon wasn’t someone who liked to be out in the open and prefered to DJ in a nice, dark and mysterious club. That didn’t mean that he minded TV appearances. He didn’t, but whenever the media wanted something that wasn’t his music he couldn’t help but decline, considering it a waste of time. Sure, maybe he would be more popular and get even more gigs if he hadn’t been so dismissive, but he liked it that way.

A few hundred euros just for an interview in which he told them what he thought about a celebrity insulting him? That was fucking worth it though. He saved the email and decided to answer a few hours later to not sound desperate. It was perfect because they just wanted one nice picture and a phone interview and it would’ve been possible to listen to the chosen parts of the interview later. Sounded good enough and luckily also safe enough. They couldn’t completely change what Hyungwon said, just shorten it.

As soon as Hyungwon had agreed on the interview, he regretted it, a little. He had strayed from his previous decision to not answer a childish insult, thereby acting just as childish.

_ Too late. You already signed the contract. _

He was lucky with the interviewer though. It was a young girl (at least she sounded like one), most likely hoping for her first big article, asking him about his opinion on music and whether he thought of it as an art. Of course he did. Music was one of the main driving forces in his life. He had an emotional connection to it and insulting him as someone who didn’t respect musical compositions was just petty.

“How do you feel about the singer’s negative opinion on you?”

Hyungwon smiled, remembering how sudden the friendly and surprised face had changed to something nasty, just because he hadn’t wanted to play the singer’s music.

“I think I must have upset him by not playing his song request at the after party, which had been his own song. I understand that his ego must have suffered dramatically and therefore he resorted to insulting me pointlessly over the media. I hope he understands by now that a playlist is mostly set and if I would follow everybody’s requests he would have been shaking his ass to ‘Barbie Girl’ and ‘Let Me Take A Selfie’. None of which sound particularly pleasing to me.”

The furious scribbling on the other side indicated that he must have said something especially valuable. The interviewer got even more excited, asking him a few more personal questions he didn’t bother answering. The young girl finished the conversation sounding dangerously pleased.

Lying in his bed and listening to the vocal line of his new song that he had completed, Hyungwon focused on the ups and downs of the soothing voice, thanking Jooheon for introducing him to the young kid that studied with him and had amazing vocals. It was soulful and enough to melt everything in its wake. Now that he finished the interview and answered the jerk, he could finally focus on the important things in life. Reading books, composing and eating. His next gig was at a festival and he sure as hell hoped to get his new music out there, pleasantly surprising some of his fans and enjoying his job without anybody insulting him for doing it.

_ Be happy you got money, Hyungwon. You won’t see him again anyway. _


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I eat more than someone like you for breakfast, don't worry.”

“You.” Hoseok’s manager seemed slightly mad while walking towards him with his index finger stretched out. “I’ll take back the ‘nothing will happen, as the guy doesn’t do interviews anyway’, because he apparently fucking does and celebrated it by dissing you on vice-online. Also, did you see his face? He looks like a fucking model! What the hell is going on? Are you sure you didn’t fuck the same girl?” Kihyun pressed the finger deep into his chest, it hurt.    
  
“Uh, what did he say? Couldn’t have said much, could he?” Hoseok laughed, remembering the knob-turning asshole.   
  
“You know it’s not about what he can say, but about what the whole situation looks like. Namely like a huge pile of shit with you on top of it, Hoseok! We have the festival tomorrow and won’t have time to give interviews and clear it up, but he’ll be there too, so you better reconcile and be all friendly or whatever. I don’t care as long as the media shuts the fuck up.” The man glanced at him and looked intimidating as fuck. 

And he was right, as always.   
  
Hoseok didn’t want to reconcile though. Going online he found the interview almost immediately as it was on the first page, amazing. The picture next to it was no fucking joke. The DJ really looked like a model. Hoseok couldn’t keep himself from being jealous of the pretty face.    
  
_ Pretty fucking asshat face.  _   
  
Looking over the questions and answers he sighed. This was really childish. He was childish but he couldn’t help it, commenting under it with a nasty smile on his face.   
  
‘H.One is a big ass arrogant prick.’    
  
_

  
  
His mood was not the best after Kihyun had told him he had to record a christmas song. He dealt with the prominent wish to punch someone while spreading his clothes in a thin layer all over the hotel room. He hated christmas songs and he didn’t have his piano for almost three days which added up to the huge pile of horse vomit and drove him fucking mad. Kihyun had said there was going to be some performance where an asshole would sing his irrelevant shit over bad music while raping the poor innocent instrument, so there was at least a little hope. 

_ You might be able to use it for half an hour or something.  _   
  
After two hours of running, push-ups and inhuman amounts of deadlifts, he felt like a squashed, ripe mango. Drying himself after the hot shower Hoseok put on a tight, white shirt and black sweatpants. He decided to go for a drink, remembering that his performance was scheduled in the evening with rehearsals around noon.    
  
_ Enough time to get sober again. _   
  
The hotel bar was almost empty as most of the artists arrived the next morning, and he sat down ordering a gin-tonic, head resting on his palm, thinking about the next couple of weeks, performances and promotion. He had to shoot a music video to a song and write and record this fucking christmas bop Kihyun talked about. And there was also the two-week tour before Christmas. 

_ Damn.  _   
  
The liquid disappeared between his lips, leaving a bitter taste. He raked one hand through his semi-wet hair, sighing audibly.    
  
_ It’s winter soon, is that the reason for being like this? _

_ No, you're always like this, Hoseok.  _

He didn’t know why, but his mood hasn't been the best for the past weeks, although he was indeed trying hard to distract himself with piano and sex. He looked over to the entrance, spotting a tall, thin figure coming in and turned back, realizing it wasn’t a woman. He couldn’t see well without glasses anyway and didn’t want to waste his time. So he smiled and ordered another long drink instead.    


A shadow appeared above him, blocking the dim lights even further, darkening the liquid in front of him. 

“Mind if I join you, sweetheart?” a low voice asked, undertone obvious and grin clear even without seeing the face. However, as soon as Hoseok looked up the large, brown eyes widened in shock briefly before the grin spread even wider, eyebrow lifting.   
  
What the flying fuck? The pretty asshat face from the article grinned down at him and Hoseok cursed his facial muscles for giving out every bit of emotion he might have felt at that very moment. The arrogant, prick DJ seemed at least a little in shock too.    
  
_ What is wrong with you? You knew he would be here. _   
  
Regaining consciousness Hoseok smiled one of his brightest smiles.    
  
“Sure, darling, I wasn’t expecting such an honour but sit down.” He pointed at the seat next to him, eyes narrowing. “You’re not scared, right? I don’t bite.”   
  
_ You totally bite and you want to choke him for exposing you in public.  _

_ But not now. Now you will act like a nice person, Hoseok.  _   
  
“I eat more than someone like you for breakfast, don't worry,” the DJ said with a smirk and shamelessly winked at him, settling down on the offered chair and placing his cocktail on the table, a pina colada.   
  
_ What did you expect, Hoseok? _   
  
“You don’t look like that though. Maybe you should go to the gym once in awhile.” He grinned and winked back. “When is your turn tomorrow?” Hoseok asked to get the conversation going, preferably somewhere far away from eating people for breakfast and giving each other pet names. 

The DJ smiled and took a tentative sip from his cocktail, pushing the straw into his plump lower lip slightly, appearing in thought. 

“You know, I do work out, but my body is just constituted such that I stay like that. Luckily my partners like it, so I'm satisfied.” Another slow sip and lips closed around the straw slowly. “I start around midnight, you?”   
  
“Yeah, your face might make up for all of it, including your personality. I’m in the late evening, two hours before you. I bet they put you after me on purpose.” Hoseok caught the straw of his own drink with his teeth before taking a sip and leaning his head back on his palm to get a better look at the guy sitting next to him. 

He had pitch black hair, strands falling over his forehead, huge eyes and plump lips. He looked like those characters from the mangas he had read when he was a kid. He didn’t know that normal people could look like those for real. The other man was pretty thin, wearing a black shirt and glasses. Hoseok’s eyes went down to blue, ripped jeans hugging the guy’s thighs. Damn, the ladies must’ve liked him a lot although he was not buff. 

“Like what you see?” The question was cocky and so was the look on the other man’s face, one corner of his lips raised in a grin and right hand playing with the straw in his cocktail, twirling it around.    
  
_ What? What the fuck is going on? Hoseok, stop staring like a creep. _   
  
“Uhm, sorry for staring, nice shoes,” Hoseok lied like a champion, considering the fact that he didn’t even get to see the shoes. He regained his balls and turned around on his bar stool, facing the guy who continued grinning shamelessly. “Sorry, but what’s your name, Manga guy?”

The DJ laughed, crossing his legs and staring at Hoseok.    
  
“I doubt you can see my shoes, but sure, let's assume you did, thanks. I also love my hotel slippers. Why would you need my name though, Blondie? Intend on seeing me again? Don't you have enough teenage hearts to crush in your palm? I doubt I'm part of that category.”   
  
Hoseok closed his eyes and sighed.    
  
“I need your name so I can curse properly next time I see you. Also, I only fuck them if they’re legal. Do you answer your doc like that too if he asks for your name?” Hoseok’s competitiveness was back and he intended on insulting the other while smiling brightly.   


Eyes widened in mock surprise and the DJ even dared to put a hand in front of his mouth, acting out his own damn drama.

“But you insulted me so well even without my name. Sorry, I don't really give my name out. And I'm a good boy, when my doc tells me to do things I do them.” He winked again. “Maybe you can consider changing your profession? I'm rather nasty, unless it's my doc. ”   
  
_ He must be crazy or something, Hoseok. You can’t mess with mental people, you will lose. _ _   
_ __   
“Oookay, manga guy. You want me to be a doctor to get your name? I already have a degree and I’ll just call you whatever, thanks.” He twirled the liquid in his glass and took a big gulp before turning back to the sassy asshole next to him. “I thought you didn’t give interviews, must’ve hurt a lot then.”

A smile that wasn't a grin appeared for the first time before teeth bit down on his plump lower lip and the DJ laughed briefly.

“That was a good one, Blondie. Yes, I fucking hate giving interviews but something deep inside told me that the truth deserves sacrifices.” He took another sip of his cocktail and switched the leg he crossed over. “I needed to get a few things cleared up, such as the fact that requesting your own song at an after party is fucking pathetic. The type of pathetic where you operate out a few ribs just to suck your own dick in personal glorification.”   
  
Hoseok never hit anyone before and he didn’t intend to. Not because of pacifistic motives. It was rather simple, he needed his hands to play piano. There was no fucking way someone's face was worth ruining his ability to play. But damn, manga guy triggered him on a whole new level.    
  
“Hm, I thought you being sexually frustrated was only that evening but it seems to be a chronic condition. I’m sorry.” Hoseok couldn’t help wondering why someone would be so genuinely hostile towards other people. People he didn’t fucking know.    
  
“If you think that I'm so sexuality frustrated, shouldn't you offer me some kind of help, being oh so fucking considerate? Sorry to disappoint you, but I tend to talk about dick.” The cocktail was almost gone, straw hitting ice as the DJ sucked the last drops out of the glass.   
  
“You need help? You can ask me nicely then. I offered you help back in the club though. Why would you talk about dick? Want to tell me a hook-up story? Was she hot? Give her my number, so I can show her how it’s done.” Grinning and gulping down the rest, he shifted a little, fixing his sweatpants that went way too low from moving on the chair. 

The Manga guy glanced down, observing how Hoseok fixed his pants, and waved at the bartender to give him another pina colada. 

“Honestly, I doubt you would want to hear my hook-up stories and you misunderstood me when I asked for your ‘help’. You're cute, Blondie. If I meet a hot girl, I'll consider. It's just that I have this intense yearning to prevent your kind from spreading out over the planet. I hope you understand.”

The bartender was quick and the cocktail landed in front of the raven-haired man, long fingers grasping it immediately and giving the bartender a thumbs up.    
  
“I use protection, thank you for worrying. I don’t get what you’re talking about like fifty percent of the time to be honest.” Hoseok was tired, he really didn’t get it, what were they even talking about? Help? Doctors? Why was the other calling him pet names, what the fuck?

“Don't worry, sweetheart. That's what a lot of people think before they end up in my bed. And now I gotta finish up my work. Hope you'll enjoy the rest of your evening and I'll probably see you tomorrow.” The DJ grabbed his cocktail and stood up, sending Hoseok a flying kiss before stomping off and not even waiting for an answer, disappearing as quickly as he had appeared.   
  
_ What?  _   
  
Hoseok’s mouth opened but didn’t close. What was that about? The manga guy had a thing for calling him sweetheart, but he’d fucking nudge him to jupiter with one push, what the actual fuck? People landed in his bed because they didn’t know what he was talking about? That was some strange hook-up strategy. The guy was plain weird. Hoseok wasn’t even mad anymore, he just didn't get shit.    
  
He felt genuinely tired after trying to decipher what the weird DJ had told him, gulping down the rest of his long drink. He went out thinking about sleep before entering his hotel room and throwing himself on the bed. 

Lying on his bare back after getting rid of all his clothes, he closed his eyes and raised his hands, fingers moving without making a sound, going a little to the right then to the left, fast then slower. He didn’t know how long he continued before both hands fell over the blanket and sleep washed over him like a wave.   
  
He missed his piano.   
  


  
***

  
Hyungwon left the bar with quick steps and almost spilled his pina colada all over the vestibule of the hotel, laughing his ass off and trying hard to stay calm and not draw too much attention to himself. Wonho was the cutest straight person with the body of a fucking god he had ever met in his life.

In addition he seemed to be childish and unable to lose a fight, but who was Hyungwon to judge those qualities? He was pretty damn good at throwing insults himself and the whole bickering would have annoyed him to no end had Wonho not missed each and every one of his innuendos. His straightness must have been on a whole new level, the high school football player type, not getting shit until there were male lips around his dick. 

Hyungwon might have volunteered had he not valued himself too much for such a sacrifice. Hot, straight guys were one thing, but self-obsessed and unable to take some criticism pricks were another. The DJ hadn't been able to suppress the innuendos, but he wouldn't have acted on them. 

_ Probably.  _

Seeing the way the sweatpants were slipping down the other man's hips, muscular v-line and hip bones visible, had been a fucking ‘try not to corrupt’ challenge. Hyungwon’s creativity was sufficient to come up with beautiful facial expressions that the other man was capable of when he was surprised. He had enough material to last him a few jerk off sessions.

If he had been interested that is.

Which he kind of was.

The elevator arrived and he stepped in, pressing the button of his floor and smiling at a fancily dressed, elderly woman. She was definitely not there for the festival, clothes resembling a stereotypical ‘Korean mother-in-law meeting’ more than anything else. Grinning, Hyungwon thanked his prophecy-like decision making skills. He had come to Germany before being forced to go on blind dates and meet women he didn’t give a shit about. Knowing his manners, he smiled nicely and nodded at the woman before leaving the elevator, returning to his room and emptying the cocktail on the way. Drinking alcohol alone at his room sounded rather pathetic and he didn’t want to go there. 

He opened the door with his key card and placed the empty glass on his mini fridge before throwing himself on the bed, stretching out his limbs and regretting that he hadn’t found anybody to hang out with. 

‘Hang out with’.

Well, it really didn’t have to be anybody to fuck his brains out either. Nice conversation would have been good enough to pass the time. His playlist was done and he didn’t have good enough equipment with him to not be bored out of his mind for the rest of the evening. Just sitting alone in his room and staring at the wall, or the ceiling, or both in succession. A few more seconds of absolutely nothing were sufficient to initiate phase two of plan ‘boredom extermination’.

“Hi Minhyuk, I’m fucking bored, entertain me.”

The sigh on the other line was already hilarious, Minhyuk sounding exasperated but still glad Hyungwon had called.

“Haven’t found a plaything yet? I thought it was a fancy as fuck hotel with lots of celebrities.”

“It is, but none of them got to me. You know I hate publicity.”

“Which is why other people fuck celebrities. Cause they don’t talk, you know? Keep their secrets and shit.”

Hyungwon had to think about that. It sounded strangely reasonable coming from Minhyuk shortly before midnight.

“Makes sense. Why aren’t you sleeping yet?”

“I considered jerking off until you ruined it for me,” Minhyuk replied and Hyungwon heard the sound of something soft hitting the drawer next to the other man’s bed, probably tissues.

Cracking up he rolled to the other side of the bed and held his stomach. 

“You weren’t kidding, were you? I love you, you’re hilarious. I met Blondie.”

Some more shuffling sounded from the other line, probably Minhyuk crawling under the blankets. 

“Blondie? You mean Wonho? What will you do when he changes his hair color?” His friend chuckled and clicked the light switch, buzzing filling his ear for a short moment.

“He’ll be sweetheart then. Freaked him out enough today. Loved every second,” Hyungwon replied and had to smile again at how the singer hadn’t gotten any of his innuendos, commenting like the DJ had just talked about weird stuff all the time for no reason.

Minhyuk fake gasped. 

“You mean you actually talked to him? With words and not insulting each other? What is the conclusion?” There was even more shuffling. Minhyuk was unable to lie still when he talked to someone, constantly rolling back and forth and requiring some way to spend all the energy he piled up in his body. Working at the kindergarten was perfect for him, pushing all that excess power into playing with the little brats.

“My conclusion is: I want him to fuck my ass.”

Minhyuk choked on the other end, sucking air into his mouth harshly before he coughed and sighed. 

“You mean you finally admit he’s your type? Don’t corrupt straight guys, Hyungwon. They never take care of you after having their way. I’m talking from experience.”

“It was my conclusion. Doesn’t mean I’ll actually do something about it. He’s high-school-football-player straight, so nah.” The sound of disgust that Minhyuk made at the other end of the line was enough of a confirmation for his decision. Maybe he’d follow his friend’s example, jerk off and go to bed.

“I feel you, Hyungwon. Just don’t insult him too much to avoid all that publicity you dislike. Talk to you tomorrow, gotta stand up early and deal with kids.”

“Don’t pretend as if it’s difficult for you. You love those brats. Feel kissed and sleep well, Minhyuk.”

Ending the call Hyungwon rolled back and forth on the bed once before deciding to just fuck everything and sleep. He had a gig the next day and the rehearsal stretched over a few hours, enough to drain him before the actual performance and give him a reason to sleep like a normal person for once. He had already given up on meeting appropriate company for the duration of the trip, so it would have to be him and his hand for a while.

As the famous Pink once said ‘I’ll let my fingers do the walking’.   
  
_

 

Hyungwon’s head hurt like a bitch. The rehearsal was already going on for a few hours and it still wasn’t his turn. The amounts of sleazy singing and crappy melodies he had to listen to were impossible to count on his hands and feet and the day wasn’t even done yet. For the first half he had feared that fucking off would be too rude, not knowing when it was his turn exactly, but if he wasn’t the one rehearsing after the woman that currently screamed out her lungs including her liver on stage, then he was fucking conduct sideways and getting a damn cup of coffee.

Fate decided for coffee as a barely dressed woman stepped onto the stage and performed something that might have been a sexual act, accompanied by the sound of cows singing. Hyungwon stood up from his seat in the hall and waved at the cute security guy who helped him find his waiting room before, gifting him a nice smile to get him to help out again. As soon as he got the boy’s attention, he gestured at him to give him a call as soon as it was his turn, disappearing backstage right after.

If he had gotten a headache before he even begun to blast his eardrums with EDM, something was going terribly wrong. Walking through a few more white hallways he was surprised by how dead silent it was, not even the bass passing through the walls. 

_ Perfect, now you can actually concentrate on your thoughts and that coffee. _

The hallways were a fucking mess. After about 15 minutes Hyungwon wasn’t sure where the fuck he was and if it was still Amsterdam or an underground base in the North Sea. Desperation was slowly crawling through his veins, starting at the fingertips and steadily working its way up his arms and towards the middle of his body. 

_ You are not getting lost at a fucking festival venue, Hyungwon. _

Just when he was ready to call the organizers of the festival to be picked up from wherever the fuck in the building he ended up at, he heard soft notes moving through the air. Music at a festival venue was a good sign and meant that people weren’t far, people that could get him back to the hall where he was supposed to rehearse eventually.

Hyungwon didn’t hesitate for long and followed the piano melody, passing another hallway until he stood in front of a white door, same color as the rest and reminding him of a mental asylum. 

_ Who knew, maybe they perform secret lobotomies here, making sure the brainless music has enough listeners.  _

The piano notes coming from the other side of the door were everything but brainless though, complex and soft, reminding Hyungwon of the classical music his mother loved listening to, back when he still lived at home.

He hesitated a few more seconds before opening the door a tiny bit, hoping to not disturb whoever was playing piano in the depths of a huge venue.

He spotted the instrument in the right corner of the room, a man sitting on the chair, broad back, black shirt, light hair. His eyes were closed but the hands moved as if by themselves, hitting the keys when the melody was harsh, sliding over them as if soothing the previous treatment. It looked absolutely stunning. 

_ Why would someone like this come here? _

His previous plan to ask for directions was crushed in a matter of seconds and he just kept watching and listening, minute after minute passing, without him noticing. The man had beads of sweat covering his neck from the constant effort as the melody rushed forward, twirling around and coming to an end with a final chord. The pianist panted over the instrument like a marathon runner, head thrown back and hands falling on top of his thighs when the melody ended. 

Hyungwon had difficulties to keep his body from reacting. The sight was absolutely mesmerizing and one of the most authentic displays of affection for music he had ever encountered. He couldn’t help respecting the pianist and hoping that he performed at the festival, enabling the DJ to actually listen to something good over the duration of the evening.

He still needed to know directions, but he also feared being a disturbance in case the pianist would start again, in which Hyungwon wanted to listen and not run all the way back. So he waited patiently, to see if another piece would start. Damn, he wanted to hear another one.

The other man's phone went off and he picked up while standing up and turning away from the piano, before walking towards the door where Hyungwon was standing. 

_ Shit, you were being a creep, Hyungwon. _

Unable to come up with anything decent to do he just leaned against the doorframe as if he had always been there and lifted his hand in greeting. That is until he recognized the person coming towards him and finally lifting his head.

_ Blondie? _

What kind of sorcery was this? Hyungwon really needed a life-sized meme of Gandalf saying that, just so he could carry it around and use it to describe his life the past few days. How much coincidence was necessary to run into a famous singer not once, but fucking thrice? Unfortunately he didn’t have enough time to change his position, still leaning against the door and hand raised in a half wave. 

The blonde man was not as surprised for some reason, lifting his hand in greeting himself.

“I've been too loud, right? I'm sorry, I need to go to rehearsal either way.” He smiled and let his phone slide back into his black suit pants. 

“No, it was fucking perfect,” Hyungwon bursted out without much thought, switching his hand wave to a thumbs up and grinned. “I almost busted a nut.”

The singer's eyes became huge at the mention, mouth slightly open and obviously no answer ready.

_ Now you don’t even need to imagine his surprised expression, Hyungwon. Here it is, in all its glory.  _

Grinning Hyungwon lifted his index finger and used it to press against the other man’s chin from the bottom, hinting at him to close his mouth. The blonde’s eyes widened even more and his lips managed to press something out that sounded like ‘thanks’ while looking extremely confused.

“Not to sound creepy, but would it be fine if I follow you all the way to the rehearsal hall?” Hyungwon asked shamelessly, overplaying the fact that he had no idea where he had to go and that he let a compliment slip after conversations filled with insults.

“Sure, it's your turn after me.” Blondie pressed himself through the door crack, trying not to touch Hyungwon in the process. Weird, was he afraid of him or something? Not like Hyungwon took up much space anyway. He stepped to the side and just followed Wonho along the hallway, secretly attempting to remember the way back. After the second turn he gave up though, much more interested in watching the other man’s facial expressions.

The blonde man still had some sweat on his forehead, intensity with which he immersed himself into the music admirable. Hyungwon had never seen anybody sweat like that while playing the piano. Fucking conduct he stretched out his hand and wiped over the other man’s forehead, taking out a tissue from his back pocket and wiping his hand on the tissue in turn.

_ You could have just used a tissue in the first place, Hyungwon. _

That would have been boring though, wouldn’t it?

Wonho looked as if he'd left a burn mark on his forehead, so it had been worth it.

“Is something wrong?” The blonde stopped walking and stared. Well, apparently that had weirded him out. Too bad.

Hyungwon grinned and pointed at the other man’s forehead and hair, expression changing to mild disgust, mouth opening slightly.

“You were kind of sweating like a construction worker on a sunny day for no reason. I felt compelled to do something about it.”

Blondie smiled like a fucking sun, picking up his previous speed. 

“Sorry, I'm still a little out of it, don't take it personally. What were you doing in the prep halls? I thought your equipment was already set up?” he asked, expression genuinely curious. 

Hyungwon had never been someone to beat around the bush much.

“I wanted to escape the ear rape I had to endure in the hall and ended up all the way over there, wondering whether it was still the venue or a secret experimental laboratory with Zombie’s about to eat my thin frame.” He laughed and slowed down his steps a tiny bit to stay next to the other man, lifting his arms to emphasize his words. “Why do you make shit music?”

That was a very justified question considering the other man could play piano well enough to get Hyungwon into a state between sprung and emotional. Why would he sing shitty love songs for teenagers then?

The blonde just ignored him, something in his facial expression changing and steps getting faster. 

“Almost there. See you later,” he shot out before disappearing behind a curtain. 

There was no doubt that Hyungwon had hit somewhere it hurt, a lot. Or the other man had suddenly acquired remarkable self-control, ignoring Hyungwon’s attempts at riling him up and just waving him away like a groupie. Blondie had been completely out of it after playing, facial expressions raw until Hyungwon had upset him somehow. He didn’t really regret anything but it was indeed rather strange, waving him off like that although he usually answered every question, no matter how insulting it was.

_ Whatever, Hyungwon, just forget about it and don’t talk to him when he plays piano. _

Annoyed at the end of the conversation but relieved at the sight of his seat in the hall, the DJ decided to forget about his irrelevant interactions with celebrities and focus on the important things. 

Surviving shitty music and doing some damn good DJing. 

How Wonho conquered the piano with ease but forced everyone to sit through hours of romantic songs, high notes and lots of ‘ah’s was still a mystery to him.

_ He should’ve just stayed with piano. _ _   
_

 

***

  
The DJ was by far the weirdest person Hoseok had ever met. Talking senseless bullshit at the hotel bar the evening before, watching him play piano for twenty minutes like a creep, being pointlessly touchy and stabbing his fucking heart by asking why he made shitty music.   
  
The answer was simple, really, he made shitty music because the not shitty music was not popular enough and like this he had the opportunity to at least compose most of the melodies of his tracks. Luckily the manga guy didn’t insult Hoseok’s playing or he would’ve definitely played the fucking piano with the DJ’s pretty face. 

_ That way you could've played knowing that he's around.  _   
  
Singing his last song at the concert, he saw the manga face coming backstage while preparing his computer and couldn't stop thinking about the man wiping his sweat back in the hallway. What the hell was wrong with him?   
  
_ He said he was disgusted, but why the fuck would he touch you then? _   
  
He was just plain mental. The end. Hoseok promised himself not to think about it, as it didn’t make sense anyway and his headache got worse. He sang the last couple of high notes, the ladies went nuts and he moved his fingers while holding the microphone, tapping the background melody he composed that was not really recognizable anymore.    
  
The DJ sat backstage, absolutely out of it, wearing huge headphones, chewing his cheek and clicking around on his laptop. Hoseok wanted to tap his shoulder, signaling that it was his turn, but didn’t manage to reach out as someone’s thin arms curled around his waist, pushing him forward and he almost choked. The stage building assistant, that he had had a nice night with last year, gave him a back hug and whispered some not safe for work shit into his ear tentatively while his eyes were glued to the slim figure, turning around and staring up at him and the woman plastered to his back.    
  
“Uhm, I just wanted to tell you that it’s your turn,” Hoseok said quietly, so unlike himself and blushed.    
  
_ Why would you blush, Hoseok? Are you stupid? What are you doing? _   
  
He turned around like burned and pulled his predatory gaze on the woman, peeling her arms off his waist and pointed at the backstage room, hoping she would understand what he was hinting at, before turning back to the DJ.

“How the fuck have you not had any scandals yet? Women with huge tits plastered all over your back - I'd expect at least a few headlines.” Manga face rolled his eyes and sighed as if Hoseok was a pest. “See you later I guess, just don't ruin the backstage room,” the DJ reprimanded further, visibly annoyed and took off his headphones. Standing up he revealed the tight, ripped jeans and a loose black silk shirt with white patterns that he was wearing.

“Have ‘fun’, sweetheart,” he whispered into Hoseok’s ear before walking past him and disappearing from sight.    
  
“You bet I will.” Hoseok grinned, trying to hide the annoyance that washed over him for no obvious reason.   
  
_ Asshole. _   
  
He added the insult in thought before turning around and walking towards the direction the woman left. Hoseok needed to get rid of the frustration that had piled up to a huge mountain during the last three minutes.    
  
_ You need to work on your anger management issues, Hoseok.  _   
  
He hadn't even had any before he met this asshole. It was all H.One’s fault for confusing the shit out of him with those strange comments and insults he didn’t even get the meaning of.   
  
The woman’s beautiful lips around his dick did make everything better, moving up and down his erection, first slowly then faster. Hoseok buried himself in her mouth and pulled her hair. He had told her before he couldn’t fuck her in the backstage room, but she had insisted on sucking him off so he complied, being the gentleman he was. The orgasm washed over him, occupying his thoughts and replacing frustration with hormone-induced euphoria.    
  
“You have such a beautiful dick, I love it,” the woman commented out of nowhere, earning a surprised glare from him.    
  
“Uhm, thank you, I guess.” What the fuck was he supposed to say? He wanted to comment on her beautiful features but he didn’t remember as it was a year ago, so he went with what he saw. “Your lips are really beautiful.” Hoseok smiled and kissed her briefly, not showing too much affection that wasn’t there in the first place. The aftermath was the worst part of casual hook-ups.

“Come to my room later if you want to. After midnight preferably.” He smirked shamelessly and went out.   
  
Hoseok ditched his previous plans which had consisted of going to his room and sleeping until the lady came to visit, finding himself on the dancefloor instead, dancing to the admittedly lit music the nasty DJ was playing. The asshole did have talent in creating an amazing party atmosphere. The crowd was going nuts and so was Hoseok.    
  
The gin-tonic did its job and his limbs felt like air, moving smoothly along to the beat. The black-haired man danced too, standing behind the DJ console, nodding his head while turning knobs and pulling his headphones up and down. He looked at the movements of the silk shirt before his eyes went up and he realized that manga face was staring at him with a disgustingly nasty grin. Hoseok almost choked but caught himself.    
  
He grinned back and lifted his right hand with a prepared middle finger in front of his face.    
  
_ Why are you so childish, Hoseok? He didn’t even do anything. _ _   
_ __   
He banned the uncomfortable thought regarding his kindergarten behaviour to some far away place and felt a hand grabbing his ass. Turning back with a smile, he recognized the black-haired lady with the plump lips that had looked so good around him.    
  
“Ten minutes, upstairs, room 14, ok?” Grinning, he squeezed the thin wrist.

Manga face was almost done and the act afterwards was absolute ear-rape that Hoseok wasn’t willing to endure. Feeling some beautiful breasts against his naked skin and pleasing a gorgeous lady on the other hand, was definitely to his liking.    
  
He picked up the clothes left on the floor, trying to make it look as if a human inhabited the hotel room instead of a fucking pig, which he admittedly was when he was on tour. A loud knock disturbed his cleaning spree and he opened the door, smiling brightly.    
  
Shit, the girl must’ve been really thirsty as it took about three seconds for her to attach her lips to his, getting undressed in the process. Hoseok was not able to say a word from all the tongue movements inside of his mouth. However, his hands knew better than his mouth anyway and the dress went up her body, landing on the floor.    
  
_ She isn’t wearing any underwear, Hoseok, fuck yes. _ _   
_ _   
_ He couldn't wait to be inside of her, body toned and dark-skinned. He loved the contrast between his hands and her skin, beautifully shaped breasts, a thin waist. Fuck, this was definitely a good ending for the night. Her skillful hands got rid of his shirt in a hurry, opened his pants and slid them down including underwear, throwing everything aside until he was naked in front of her.   
  
He pressed her against the wall, his body enjoying the physical contact, her hands knowing exactly what he liked, his tongue licking over her collarbones and sucking on a nipple. He was so painfully hard that he didn’t even know whether he needed foreplay at all.    
  
_ Just move to the bed and pull a condom over.  _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Condom.  _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Fuck. _   
  
What the flying fuck? How could he not think about that with his dick brain? He should’ve taken condoms but no fucking clothes instead, fuck.    
  
“Do you by chance have condoms?” he whispered into her ear while burying his fingers in the lean muscles of her toned ass.   
  
“Don’t worry baby, I’m on the pill.” She smiled, looking at him tentatively.    
  
_ Uhm, so what?  _   
  
He didn’t know her. It didn’t matter whether she was on the pill or not. Fuck. His brain tried to come up with ideas where to get a condom from, until he realized that he was in a hotel with shit loads of people who probably also fucked around the way he did. He walked over to the bed, slipping into his black sweat pants without wearing any underwear, visibly hard, and a white tank top that was obviously too fucking tight. That had to do.    
  
__ What is shame anyway?   
  
“Wait here, I’ll be back in two minutes. Get ready,” he managed to press out, walking out of his room.   
  
Thirteen was a good number and he knocked three times, obviously too fucking loud, but his desperation was no joke and he needed to return quickly before the lady lost interest. Waiting for about two seconds he knocked again, until he finally heard steps approaching.

The door opened to reveal a very familiar black silk shirt with white patterns, first few buttons opened and smooth collarbones catching his eye. Long and delicate fingers were moving through partially-wet hair, probably sweaty from all the dancing, before an annoyed gaze settled on him. 

The other man's large eyes were annoyed for what felt like a few milliseconds before they widened, switching to shock and absolute wonder, staring Hoseok up and down. The scrutinizing gaze remained on his very (indecently) tight sweatpants for much longer than appropriate.

“What the fuck, Blondie?” the DJ asked when he finally looked up, surprise remaining on his features.   
  
They seemed to have some kind of sick fate, but Hoseok was too hard to care that it was him in the room and that they kind of hated each other. He just needed a fucking condom.   
  
_ Now. _   
  
“Listen, do you have a condom? I really need it, like- right now,” he breathed out, walking one step towards the DJ, so not everybody in the hall could hear, while staring at the manga face, ignoring the length of appropriate eye-contact.

“Ehm, I-” the DJ stuttered, obviously uncomfortable for the very first time in Hoseok’s presence, stepping further into the room to avoid too much body contact. He breathed in slowly while staring at the ground before he looked up with a grin, gaining control quickly.

“Somehow I am intrigued by the desperation on your face. What happens if I don’t?” He leaned against the door and raised an eyebrow as he always did.  
  
Hoseok wanted to slap someone. Preferably the pretty face grinning right in front of him. He decided to just go with his dick-driven instincts, pushing himself through the door-crack and closing it behind himself. The DJ slid even further into the hotel room, keeping the distance and eyes wide at how little shits Hoseok gave.  
  
“Do you like to play games with me? It that it? Just give me a condom and make fun of me afterwards as much as you want. I don’t care.” His extremely low voice came out of nowhere, feet closing the distance to the other man with slow steps. 

“I do actually, but you’re right. I was the one who pointed out that I do not want you to spread yourself over the planet. Which size? I got them all,” the other man said, stroking over Hoseok’s nose with his index finger and smiling, before walking over to his luggage which did indeed have several different condom sizes.   
  
He didn’t understand shit. Like nothing at all. Why the guy would touch his nose, why the manga face would have different condom sizes. Did his dick size change over night?   
  
“Listen, my brain is dry and I don’t understand shit. It’s XXL please. I could also take normal worst case but it feels like someone chokes my dick.” Hoseok stared up at the man fumbling with his luggage. 

The fumbling stopped very suddenly as soon as Hoseok had spoken the words, hands freezing in their movement. The DJ turned towards him very slowly, eyes wide.    
  
“Are you fucking kidding me, Blondie?” he asked, staring very obviously at the tent in Hoseok’s pants.   
  
“Oh come on, want me to show you?” Why did it take so long to take a fucking condom out of the luggage? Hoseok wanted to go there and take it himself but the manners he kind of remembered didn’t let him. 

A smirk spread over the other man’s lips and he sat down properly on the ground, throwing one leg over the other and crossing his arms, gaze focused. 

“Sure, go ahead.”   
  
Hoseok threw his head back with a low, annoyed groan.    
  
“Why are you like this to me, Chae Hyungwon? Did I do something? You really want to see my dick?” He actually wanted to wait before calling the other by name, something paired with an amazing insult, but the situation was extremely desperate. He remembered calling Kihyun to give him the real name of the DJ.   
  
Hoseok moved towards the tall man, crouching down in front of him and leaving very little space to create an intimidating atmosphere.    
  
“I doubt you would be able to make fun of it though,” Hoseok added, smirking right into the other man’s face.   
  
“Funny how you come so close to me when you were the one weirded out before. How the fuck do you know my name?” The DJ just stared back, not moving back an inch, smirk in place.    
  
“Oh, give me the fucking condom already! I’m dying. You were booked for the afterparty, I asked for your personal info, the end. Please!” He was on the verge of begging, fuck he should’ve picked another room. 

The other man grabbed behind his back slowly, grasping something, most likely the condom and kept it hidden in his hand.

“Since when are you so interested in my personal info, sweetheart?”   
  
Hoseok wanted to die, seriously. Chae Hyungwon, that person, was the worst pain in the ass he had ever encountered. The desperation was so great that he decided not to give a shit anymore. He just needed this one small thing to be happy.    
  
“Listen, tell me what the fuck you want from me, I’ll do it and you give me the fucking condom.”    


Eyes widened and the DJ bit his lower lip, staring at Hoseok’s face, only inches away. A few very silent and long moments passed.

“Just take it and get the fuck outta my room,” he said suddenly and slammed the condom into Hoseok’s hand, pushing him away before standing up and opening the door. “Fuck off.”   
  
“Oh, thank god!” Hoseok proclaimed walking over to the door and blowing the annoyed man a kiss. “I love you, I’ll buy you a drink next time.” 

“Fuck you!” the low voice called after him.

That was one hell of a ride but he had his condom and the night could continue without weird ass games the DJ enjoyed playing.    
  
Just that the gorgeous lady had left and he wanted to go back to slap Chae Hyungwon all over his pretty, fucking face. 

In the end Hoseok decided to jerk off and go to sleep while hating everything and especially the black-haired man who kept ruining his fucking life on a daily basis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fate is fucked up but it will get more fucked up and intense as fuck. Look forward to it! Next Chapter on 4th of January at 6 PM CET.
> 
> We write one character each,  
> @Hichanchen writes Hyungwon (and Minhyuk+Jooheon) and  
> @Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok (and Kihyun+Changkyun)
> 
> Hit us up on Twitter  
> @Hichanchen  
> @Smut_Hemingway
> 
> We are extremely happy about every comment and every click. You are one of the major reasons we write. (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Argh stop, I’m here to relax and not to hate you for making me hard with your talk about oral.”

After several hours of DJing and watching masses of people dance to his beats and compositions, loving his new song, there weren’t many things that Hyungwon wanted to do. Usually the list ended gracefully with a shower and sleep. His shirt was unpleasantly stuck to his body and his hair was mostly wet, strands hanging into his face and obscuring his view. 

As soon as he arrived at the hotel room he forced himself to stay away from his bed (wouldn’t want it to be drenched in sweat) and take a shower before doing anything else. His night had been even more pleasant after he had seen Blondie shake his ass to his music, thoroughly enjoying himself until he saw Hyungwon and decided to show him the middle finger. 

The DJ didn’t care. An insult in the form of a gesture didn’t change anything about the fact that the night had been lit and Hyungwon had left a positive impression, even on the guy who seemed to hate his guts for various childish reasons.

Unbuttoning his shirt, Hyungwon closed his eyes and focused on the silence, waiting for his ears to recover from the constant onslaught. 

They couldn’t though because a loud knock sounded through the room. Surprised at who the fuck would want to talk to him at three in the morning, the DJ glanced towards the door. Waiting for it to magically open by itself or let whoever was behind it dissipate into thin air. None of the above happened as the person was fucking impatient and just knocked again after two seconds.

_ What the actual fuck? _

Annoyed Hyungwon walked over to the door, closing at least a few buttons quickly before opening it and moving some wet strands from his eyes. His gaze met a very muscular chest, covered in a poor excuse of a white t-shirt.

_ You can see his fucking nipples, Hyungwon. That’s not even a t-shirt. _

His interest spiked immediately and he couldn’t help staring down, eyes stopping at the very prominent erection in the other man’s sweatpants. The sight was enough to finally look up and see who he was even dealing with.

_ Blondie. Who the fuck else? _

How the two of them constantly managed to meet when none of them wanted to was a mystery. Hyungwon had been convinced that his last encounter with the other man had been sufficient to induce some kind of physical reaction of pain in the singer whenever he saw him, but apparently it hadn’t been bad enough yet. Otherwise he wouldn’t be in front of his door, hard as fuck, looking like a meal and the incarnation of Hyungwon’s wet dreams, wanting a goddamn condom.

It was ridiculous because of all encounters Hyungwon had ever had with hot and hard men, none of them had ever wanted a condom to fuck some woman.

_ Too bad it’s the chick next door. _

Hyungwon successfully managed to get his facial expressions under control even when Wonho considered it appropriate to just waltz into his room as if it was his and demand things. But Hyungwon was a nice soul, always ready to help the desperate ones in need, so he agreed to give him a condom. The face of the other man when he mentioned his collection was priceless, still football-player-oblivious to his sexual interests.

It was too fun to not play with the other man while he was there, stroking his nose tenderly and enjoying the confusion that spread. Fumbling in his luggage, he looked through the different packages and waited for the other man to tell him his size. 

Until he did.

_ Holy fucking shit. _

There weren’t many things that Hyungwon was ready to get naked and spread his legs for, but very muscular men in cupboard format were usually on that list. However, in most scenarios very buff guys had a tendency to compensate for a little problem, a problem that resulted in Hyungwon feeling not as full as he would have liked to feel and partially disappointed.

_ A fucking XXL. _

The worst was that Hyungwon didn’t even feel in the position to doubt it. Turning around and staring at the other man’s obvious erection through his sweatpants was absolutely sufficient to see the point. 

But still.

_ Hyungwon, you’re not the one getting fucked. And that’s the fucking problem. _

He forced himself to stay controlled and not sigh in disappointment at the recruitment of such a beautiful specimen into the realms of straightness. Hyungwon would have to look for something similar in his own pool of possibilities. 

Of course the other man had to make it worse by provoking Hyungwon. Or at least thinking that he was provoking him. Asking the DJ whether he wanted to see his dick was not a smart move, because yes, he did. Very much so. Preferably in slow motion so that he could take notes for fuck’s sake.

It was rather easy to rile the singer up. A quick affirmation was sufficient to make him crack and spew out his desperate state and knowledge of Hyungwon’s real name. Whoever had opened their mouth, they were going to die a painful death. Hyungwon hated anybody knowing his real identity, preferring to stay unknown or only recognizable by his alias. 

_ Fuck. _

Angry at the other man knowing he turned up his level of teasing, becoming even more of a pain in the ass, not giving him what he wanted and staying dangerously close, faces barely apart and blonde hair almost tickling his face.

Had it been the usual situation, without Wonho being a singer, Hyungwon would have already kissed him, stolen his breath away and showed him what he was missing, but unfortunately it wasn’t a normal situation. He was in a hotel room at a festival and supposed to give a desperate straight singer a condom so he could go fuck some girl.

Initiating the next level of being a little shit, Hyungwon called him ‘sweetheart’ again, knowing that the other man found it confusing and smirking in triumph.

“Listen, tell me what the fuck you want from me, I’ll do it and you give me the fucking condom.”    


_ Shit, shit shit shit. Hyungwon, never get in a situation where someone offers to give whatever you want for something absolutely worthless. Crap. _

Hyungwon breathed in, biting his lower lip subconsciously and convincing himself that throwing the other man out of the room was the best thing he could do, wailing in loneliness and unquenchable thirst afterwards.

_ Just throw him out, jerk off and live happily ever after. _

So he did exactly that. Losing his patience and throwing the singer out after giving him the condom. Simple and clear, no necessary thoughts left and problems disappearing with the sound of the closed door.  
  
Almost.

_ Why didn’t you just give him the fucking condom in the first place, Hyungwon? _

That was a very good question that he didn’t know the answer to. He loved riling the other man up and seeing his face gave him a strange kind of satisfaction, especially when it was annoyed, angry or confused. As long as Hyungwon could make those expressions appear through his utterances, he wasn’t going to stop. The only thing he wanted to stop (a lot) was the wish to have the other man push him into a mattress and fuck his brains out, but that was easy to take care of with a nice replacement.

_

 

Hyungwon disliked mornings, especially mornings after gigs when he had gone to bed at three in the morning and didn't close the blinds. Light was shining through the large windows and turning his white sheets into a sea of sunlight, burning through his closed eyelids and forcing him to stand up.

It was 9AM and that was bad enough already. Hyungwon had to look his best. Surrounded by celebrities and people that loved to take pics, it was an implicit requirement to look photogenic and fucking hot. 

So he took a long and hot shower, scrubbing his skin and making everything look beautiful and golden, basically sparkling in the fucking sunlight. He threw on his favourite CK jeans and converse and a loose, marine-colored turtleneck. He had no idea why it was in his luggage but it looked fancier than his mass of baggy t-shirts.

The hotter he looked, the higher the possibility that he could spend the second festival evening with company. 

Waiting for the elevator to arrive at the ground floor, he had short, polite conversation with a female artist he had never heard of but that apparently loved his compositions. As a finishing touch he had gotten a telephone number just because he was nice. 

_ If she'd introduce you to her male friends you might even consider. _

Looking around the beautiful interior of the breakfast hall, Hyungwon smiled. Most of the furniture was covered in blue silk and he looked like he had coordinated his outfit just for the occasion. As if. Hyungwon didn't even coordinate his DJ outfits properly, wearing something tight and something loose in various combinations. 

Most of the tables were occupied by famous people of different degrees, looking like shit after partying last night and stuffing their mouths with various delicacies. Actually, he wanted his own table but since there were no free ones he had to compromise. 

That's when he saw him, Blondie in all his manly charm, sitting at a table and blissfully alone. As if he had been served for breakfast himself. Just for Hyungwon and his unquenchable desire to drive the singer up the wall. 

Wonho must have thought about celebrity exposure judging by his appearance. Hyungwon wanted to give a prize to the person who managed to put those monstrous, defined thighs into the black, ripped fabric. Skinny was a fucking understatement. Loose clothing was not in Blondie’s vocabulary, black silk shirt hugging his chest muscles tightly and semi-wet hair hanging loosely over his forehead. 

Hyungwon really wished that the man at the table in front of him wasn’t a celebrity, and Hyungwon wasn’t a man, or the other guy wasn’t straight, and they didn’t hate each other’s guts for that matter.

Which they obviously did. Damn. 

Putting on his triumphant smile because he was sure that he won this fight before it even started, he smoothly slid into the chair across from Wonho, smirking and taking a sip from the other man’s water without asking.

“How was inserting your dick into the wet cavities of a willing victim?” It sounded disgusting to Hyungwon’s ears and he was the one saying it - that meant something.   
  
The other man looked up, his eyes rolling and face immediately disappearing in his palms.    
  
“Where is Jesus when I fucking need him? I’ll atone for my fucking sins, I swear,” he groaned into his hands, still not looking up. 

Hyungwon smiled, teeth shining like in an American advertisement. He stretched out his hand and petted the other man’s head, amused at his desperation. Either he had some really shitty sex or he hated Hyungwon’s face enough to become religious.

Both was fine with him.

“Poor thing, was it that bad?” he asked, hand stroking along the wet hair.   


The other man’s hands slid down and revealed a pair of eyes, gaze intimidating as fuck if that was even possible regarding Hyungwon’s self-confidence.    
  
“I have no idea why the high and mighty hate me enough to present me your face at every possible occasion. I just wanted a fucking condom. Why did you torture me like that? She fucking left because of you. I hate you.” The blonde closed his eyes and breathed out audibly.

Oh, Hyungwon had not been aware of time when he had to deal with the fact that Blondie was not only hot but had a gigantic dick, thank you very much. The struggle had been real and the time it took to get the other man out of his hotel room with a condom had been on the bottom of his priority list.

“I like it when you are flustered,” he answered with a smile and pulled his hand away. “Sorry about the chick though, remaining hot and bothered sucks dick. The bad way.”   
  
“What? Can you say something that makes sense? Fuck, you’re so weird. Fact is, I was painfully hard yesterday because of you, instead of fucking a beautiful woman into oblivion. What are you going to do about it?” Wonho tilted his head to the right while taking a sip of the espresso that stood in front of him. 

Hyungwon swallowed but kept the smile on his face. The sentence ‘I was painfully hard yesterday because of you’ was definitely going into his mental store of wank fantasies. The other man’s voice was hot when he was angry and not comparable to the high tones he forced out when he sang. Concerning how Hyungwon would repent for his sins? He had quite a few ideas, but doubted that they would be to the other man’s liking. The huge ass broomstick of oblivion and naivety was stuck in Blondie’s ass for good.

“What would you like me to do about it, sweetheart?”   
  
“Why am I even talking to you? Argh. You just keep calling me pet names. Did you see my body? What kind of sweetheart has so much muscle mass? Let’s go to the sauna, I’ll show you so you can shut up for good!” Blondie rolled his eyes again and gulped down his coffee, pointing at the cup to get another one. 

_ Cute. _

So fucking cute. Hyungwon was almost cringing from all the cuteness and obliviousness.

“I am sure that even bodybuilders have someone who calls them sweetheart, dear. I don’t see why you would feel the sudden desire to go to the sauna with me, but if that will satisfy the clenching need you have to see me, of course.” He grabbed the other man’s empty espresso cup and blew him a kiss before walking over to the buffet.

The choice was awesome, definitely better than Jooheon’s cereal and partially better than his daily beef or chicken sandwich. He completed his plate with various types of meat and filled two cups of coffee. Then he walked all the way back and placed everything on the table.

“There you go. Am I forgiven now?” he asked with a grin, pointing at the espresso in front of the other man. “Why didn’t you just get another willing pussy?”   
  
“It was 3AM, Chae, where the fuck was I supposed to get one? She also needs to satisfy my standards. I don’t fuck just anything. She has to have pretty lips, and that one had! And it’s your fault that she left! You’re ruining my life.” Wonho gulped down the brown liquid, obviously frustrated beyond belief.

It was really amusing how furious the other was about a missed fucking opportunity. Considering how unaware the singer was, Hyungwon had difficulties imagining him fucking someone into a mattress. 

Actually, nevermind. It was very easy, way too easy.

Hyungwon took a quick sip of the espresso and almost spit it back out. He hated black coffee about as much as he hated guys grabbing his ass without asking. Lots. Remembering that his current purpose in life was to annoy the shit out of the singer he pursed his lips and leaned over, pointing at them with his index finger.

“You mean lips like that? Is that a kink of yours?”

That one hit the bullseye. Wonho’s eyes widened while his lips parted a little, not knowing what to say and he blushed. He fucking blushed and started fumbling with the bread in front of him, obviously flustered as fuck.

_ Oh my god, how can anybody be this sweet?  _

The wish to corrupt was right at the back of his head, but Hyungwon didn’t do that and wasn’t going to start with celebrities either. Unfortunately it was like this one hot fantasy everybody had, corrupting this gay-sex-oblivious hot dude and make him see the fucking light. In both senses.

_ And he’s not only hot but also well-endowed.  _

Hyungwon tried hard not to laugh at his thoughts and the cute fumbling and bit his lip to avoid it, right on time for the other man to see it as he raised his head again. Timing was really on his side in the past few days.   
  
“But are you always so bitchy towards people you don’t know, Hyungwon? You don’t even know my name.” The singer grinned, realizing he was the one with the triumph this time.

_ Bitch, you thought. _

“But Blondie, why would I need your name? I’m not the one popping up at your door, rock hard and begging for a condom and to go to the sauna with you, am I?” Hyungwon smirked shamelessly and leaned back, brushing the other man’s inner thigh under the table, ‘accidentally’.   
  
“You’re the last person I want to see and the first person I end up seeing. Four days in a row. I should jump off a fucking building.” The man shuddered at the contact and shifted his legs.

Hyungwon took another sip of the disgusting liquid in his cup and shuddered as well. Blondie had a point, they really saw each other a lot recently.

“You know, Blondie, if you wouldn’t have considered it necessary to insult my relationship to music and my art for no reason, we wouldn’t even know each other.”   
  
“If you hadn’t told me that my music was shit after I asked you nicely, without having any idea what music is to me, or who I am, or what I can or can’t do, I would’ve never said anything about you, because I don’t fucking care. And now excuse me, I need to find that poor instrument from yesterday, hoping none of those left-footed motherfuckers raped it.” The blonde man stood up and left, taking fast steps towards the elevator.

“I hope you choke on a dick,” Hyungwon called after him, annoyed at just being fucking-monologued for no reason. That is until he remembered that they were in the middle of a fucking hotel and everybody here had an unhealthy interest in their relationship and the lack thereof.

_ Fucking great, Hyungwon. _

He stood up as well, furious that he had to listen to that. It was his fucking choice if he liked music or not and just because a great piano player made shitty pop music didn’t mean that he had to like his shitty pop music. Walking out of the hall, he glared at everybody who met his eyes, stomping into the elevator shortly before it closed.   
  
The blonde stood leaning against the railing, demonstratively glaring up.

“Just the fact that you are an amazing piano player doesn’t say anything about your pop music, okay? So I am free to dislike it and mix my playlists as I like. You can also call my music shit if you feel like it but don’t insult me by saying I don’t consider it an art. Fuckface.” Hyungwon was furious and had just said what needed to be said, waiting for the elevator to finally arrive at his floor so he could get the fuck out of it and chill out in his room before he had to prepare for his performance.

“And because I am not connecting your art to your person I am even capable of admitting that I like your piano playing, so if you’re willing to tell me when you’re going to ‘unrape’ the poor instrument, I’d fucking like it if you’d tell me. Thank you.” He glared at the other man, waiting for an answer because he wasn’t kidding. They weren’t five and should be perfectly able to separate qualities they liked and didn’t like. Hyungwon liked the piano playing, so he wanted to fucking listen.   
  
Wonho’s eyes were strangely serious while he hummed in agreement before glancing over to the moving numbers on the tablo.    
  
“I don’t play for other people, but thank you for liking it,” he whispered and walked over to the door, opening for both of them. 

Hyungwon stared, genuinely surprised at getting a slap in the face after admitting something positive, hoping to bridge the dislike they kept building up. Getting a ‘thank you’ was a first step, but he had really wanted to hear the other man play. It was like a different person, one he didn’t want to rile up and genuinely didn’t care about and just wanted to see play.

_ Fair enough. _

Opening his room door, he stomped inside and threw himself on the bed, taking out his phone and texting Minhyuk about his desperation and a pic of his collarbones cause he knew that shit would get him an answer faster.

‘Bitch,’ Minhyuk wrote and Hyungwon already felt a little better, laughing and typing out a quick description of the past events.

He just needed to distract himself, relax and enjoy the fact that he had the service of an amazing hotel, letting go and eventually rocking the whole fucking festival with his tracks.

_ That’s exactly what you’re going to do, Hyungwon. _

_ And maybe jerk off. And finger yourself. At the same time while moaning into the white sheets and imagining it was some hot guy with a gigantic dick. _

Life was great. Really.

 

***

 

Hoseok tried to think about all those things he might’ve done wrong in his life. He thought about everything, but nothing seemed reasonable enough to throw manga face into his life and annoy the shit out of him, not being able to fucking breathe without those pretty lips throwing another confusing insult at him.    
  
The guy was making fun of his sex life, his obsession with lips, his music and his behaviour. What else was new? The fact that he was fucking touchy. Changkyun was a little touchy too, but they knew each other for a long time. But this guy fucking hated him, it didn’t make sense why the other was constantly touching him, his chin, wiping his sweat, stroking his nose and then brushing his leg. He understood the annoyance, it was absolutely mutual, but the proximity just confused him without giving a proper answer.    
His frustration with the ruined night influenced his behaviour a lot and he ended up insulting the DJ a little, the other striking back immediately, leaving no room for an argument. The best way out of the whole situation was disappearing. He needed to complete his workout routine and find the piano to play for an hour before his performance started and he lost his fucking mind somewhere in the middle of Chae’s monologue.   
  
He liked him playing piano. The other man had told him somewhere between rather offensive things that were leaving his mouth. Hoseok didn’t want to talk about it. He also didn’t play for anyone besides himself, especially not for someone who had no fucking idea about his personality. He had already felt overwhelmed and out of it after the DJ had seen him play in the prep hall.

_ You were probably only able to play because you didn't know that he was there. _   


Hoseok changed into his workout clothes and went up to the five star gym. One had to use the amenities when they were there.  
  
His muscles ached after the two hours of merciless abuse. The only thing he needed was half an hour of sweating in the sauna. He was so lucky as it was absolutely empty, all those semi-celebrities too ashamed to go, too scared to show their junk to other people. Those idiots, Hoseok didn’t have problems with that at all.    
  
The warmth surrounded him and his muscles relaxed, beads of sweat appearing all over his body. He spread his legs a little and threw his head back, raking his hand through his blonde bangs with one move. Hoseok felt sweat running down his chest, down to his navel and further, landing on the white towel under him. 

A melody played in his head, it might’ve been a Bach organ piece but he wasn’t too sure. His whole body relaxed in a way it couldn’t when he was thinking about something. The only way to stop was to listen, to listen to those chords and sounds coming from somewhere deep inside his head, memorized after countless hours of playing and listening, notes turning into something that was engraved beyond his memory, evoking feelings, states and thoughts. 

The sauna door slid open, interrupting the complex strings of notes succeeding one another in his head and he looked up to spot the source of the disturbance. The figure entering the dimly lit room was tall, black hair wet from the shower and sticking to the golden skin, reflecting the lights above the hot stones of the infusion. He was really thin but muscular despite his slim stature. Not bothering to look around, the other man took his towel and spread it out over the bench, lying down on it, one knee raised and arm covering his eyes. But not his lips. His very recognizable lips.   
  
_ Oh god, why? _ _   
_ _   
_ Hoseok wanted to cry out of desperation. It was as if he had no fucking second without manga face sliding into his sight, his thoughts or his fucking sweating time, sitting naked on a fucking sauna bench.    
  
__ Really man?    
  
“Are you my soulmate, Chae Hyungwon? This is really not funny anymore,” he proclaimed, staring at the tall man lying on the wood as if it was the most natural thing to do. 

The DJ hummed in confusion and lifted his arm slightly, turning towards Hoseok to look at him, before his large, brown eyes got even bigger, sinking over Hoseok’s very spread-legged state.

“Fuck my life,” he muttered and groaned, covering his eyes with his arm again and adding the other one for good measure.   
  
“I’m not saying same, but fucking same.” Hoseok decided to embrace the plague that was given him from above and threw his head back again, trying to remember the melody, but it just didn’t appear again.

“I can’t believe I actually saw your junk,” the man on the bench whispered and it sounded rather desperate, long legs shifting.   
  
“Mhm, you didn’t  _ really _ see it though. Looks different.” Hoseok chuckled, remembering coming for a condom while being hard as an iron rod. 

“You sound like it’s a sight to behold. Have I missed a lot?” The DJ’s lips widened in a smile, arm still covering his eyes.   
  
“You bet. Didn’t think you were a sauna person. You look like someone who’d jump out after one minute, screaming that it’s too fucking hot.” He doubted that the other could handle a 100 degrees sauna without screaming like a bitch after five minutes. 

Instead of being offended Manga face just laughed, lifting his arm to throw Hoseok an amused glance, eyebrow on it’s way up as usual. 

“I’ve been in Germany for much longer than you think. I have been doing this often enough to take it.”   
  
“Too bad, I thought you’d be out and I could sweat in peace for another twenty minutes. I’ll embrace it then.” Hoseok looked back and smiled, genuinely amused at the fact that they could just chat naked in a sauna while still insulting each other, with dicks on display.   


“We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. I would have just chilled out on this bench had you not called me your soulmate for some reason.” Long legs shifted again, catching Hoseok’s attention. “Have you ever had sex in a sauna?” the DJ asked suddenly, arm still lifted and eyes staring in his direction.   
  
Hoseok thought about it while asking himself why the other man’s body was so lean. He just looked thin wearing loose clothes but his muscles were defined, nothing in comparison to his, but still.   
  
“Because you appear in front of my face every fucking time, that’s why soulmate. And no I didn’t have sex in a sauna because I might just pass the fuck out and lie there until I die. I’m mostly doing the job and my endurance is really, I mean really good, but I think 100 degrees is a bit too much for my body,” he said and slapped his thigh twice to emphasize the words. “What about you? Don’t tell me you did?”

The other man groaned and placed his arm over his eyes again, as if he had seen a violent sight that he had to hide from. Then he smiled and nodded before elaborating, sweat drops similar to the ones that had been running down Hoseok’s chest and legs without a break finally appearing on his skin, covering his thighs and chest. 

“Yeah, but obviously not 100 degrees. Best thing ever, everything is slick as fuck and the light makes bodies look even more enticing than they are. 10 dick points out of 10 would recommend.”   
  
_ Shit, he’s experienced. _ _   
_ __   
Hoseok looked over the other man’s body again, thinking about the possible impact on women. He did look nice, an absolutely different type compared to himself. Interestingly, he seemed to have the time and endurance for waxing. 

“And imagine how the sound of skin on skin resounds in a room like this. Our voices alone sound intense already.”   
  
“Uhm- can you stop talking about that? I’m getting hard and that’s really awkward.” Hoseok tried to think about something else, but the fuckface just planted images in his head that didn’t want to leave.

“Same, but I thought you’d be used to that, standing in front of my door dick hard and all. Should have taken the chick here. Since it’s right after a shower the oral is heaven,” the smirking shit across from him answered, shifting his legs again.   
  
“Argh stop, I’m here to relax and not to hate you for making me hard with you talk about oral.” Hoseok wanted to facepalm, the DJ’s low voice talking about all that nasty stuff was making his life and his dick hard.    
  
_ Fuck, Hoseok. Why are you like this? _

The other man bit his lower lip, raising his arm again to look into Hoseok’s direction and his eyes widened before he covered them with his arm again. 

“Shit, you weren’t kidding, were you? The women must love you. Or consider you too huge and feel in pain. Depends I guess.”   
  
He didn’t really get the moment when their relationship turned into talking about sex while being naked in a sauna, but that would’ve fit under being “friendly” Kihyun-style.    
  
“Are you mental? Why would you talk about stuff like that while lying naked next to some random dude? Now I can’t even hate you properly because I need to fuck, but I fucking can’t because I wanted to play and then perform. Do you see the fucking impact, Chae? Fuck my life.” Hoseok ended the monologue cursing like a master while leaning forward to let the sweat drip down his nose and chin. 

The DJ chuckled, shifting his legs a-fucking-gain. 

“First world problems. I just helped the blood flow along. Why don’t you just jerk off?”   
  
“What? Here?” Hoseok forgot to think before speaking, eyes huge and staring at the other man with his long as fuck legs all over the place.

The question was apparently enough for a return of Chae’s eyes, arm lifting to reveal his large brown orbs, staring at Hoseok. His lips spread in a smile and he bit his lip before glancing at the ceiling in thought. 

“That wasn’t quite my point but the most genius thing I have ever heard from your lips. Do you have any idea how amazing jerking off feels when you’re sweaty as fuck and have less oxygen than usual?”   
  
Oxygen? Yes, please! 

That was exactly what Hoseok needed to not pass the fuck out after the unbelievable stuff coming out of Chae Hyungwon’s mouth. What was he? Some blessed sex guru? He didn’t look like that at all but he fucking smiled like that, with the nasty expression plastered all over his face.    
  
“Uhm, I think I need oxygen.” 

_ Amazing sweetie, the best answer ever, what the flying fuck, Hoseok? _

The DJ cracked up, body almost bending in half and arms resting next to his hips to catch his breath. 

“Was that you just saying whatever or an actual comment on your preferences concerning breath play?”   
  
_ Breath-what? Ok someone call a fucking ambulance. _   
  
“Now, like- right now. I’m going out.” He managed to stand up and put a towel around himself, including his half hard dick, walking towards the door slowly, afraid to pass out from the lack of oxygen and the nature of the conversation. 

The other man stood up immediately when Hoseok wavered slightly. 

“You okay?” he asked, voice not teasing anymore but genuinely concerned, palm resting on Hoseok’s shoulder. His other hand grabbed his towel absentmindedly.   
  
_ Hold the fuck up, Hoseok. What the hell? It’s just a dude, chill the fuck out. _ _   
_ __   
They shouldn’t have talked about sex. That was the problem. He needed to jerk off like Chae suggested, in his hotel room, and calm the fuck down.    
  
“I guess, I just need a cold shower,” he answered, grabbing the door handle like a mental person. Not giving a shit about what he had said the DJ grabbed the handle, hand on top of his and opened it, one palm still on his shoulder. 

“I’m a little worried that you’ll collapse and break your neck and it will be my fault. I had enough dick-scrunching articles about the two of us for the rest of my career, so I’d rather make sure you’re okay,” he commented nonchalantly, tying the towel around his waist quickly before placing his left hand on Hoseok’s skin again.   
  
_ He’s not the weird one, Hoseok, you’re the weird one to react to his fucking hand like that. Go take an ice bucket challenge. _   
  
“Don’t worry, everything is absolutely fine. I’m okay and I can walk and I really need this fucking cold shower, like seriously, now.” Hoseok hoped his elaboration was sufficient enough although it sounded like a fucking three-year-old explaining why he thought cutting a kilogram of apples with a huge kitchen knife at 3AM was a good idea.

Chae huffed in annoyance and grabbed Hoseok’s arm instead, pulling him past a few more saunas and into the shower room. As soon as Hoseok was right under a shower head he just put it on cold and turned it on, grinning like a little shit.   
  
“Argh- my towel, you little shit.” He felt every cell of his body screaming and grabbed the other's arm out of reflex, dragging him along under the cold water. It was so fucking worth it because the DJ squealed like a little bitch, trying to free himself and convulsing under the cold.   
  
“Whoa, you must like it, sweetheart,” Hoseok teased, regaining self control and holding the thin arm in an iron grip, not letting go and a nasty smile on his lips. Well, that was really fun. He cupped the other man’s chin, remembering being teased with it before and tilted his head to the side.    
  
“Fuck, I love it.” He grinned. 

The glare he received could have killed a person had it not been Hoseok. The way the DJ bit down on his lower lip looked almost hurtful and a hand suddenly closed around his junk, painfully.   
  
_ Fuck. Never mess with a mental person, Hoseok!  _ _   
_ __   
His eyes widened and he grabbed the other hand with his, trying to peel it off without hurting himself.   
  
“Why are you like this? Fuck,” he whispered.

The DJ was shivering, pushing his body closer to Hoseok’s.    


“You’re stronger so I have to use the weapons I have. Fucking asshole, shit.”    
  
His hands were flat in front of his chest in what felt like milliseconds, hoping the nasty person would let him go before he got hard again and wouldn’t be able to explain it with sextalk, standing under a cold shower with a dude.  _   
_ __   
The guy had mercy on him, letting go of his dick and biting his lower lip again. He stepped out of the shower quickly with his arms circled around himself. His lips were basically blue. 

“Fuck you, fuck you so fucking much. Shit.”   
  
So it was cold and not heat. The thin body must’ve had some disadvantages when it came to temperature.    
  
“I would’ve given you my towel but it’s wet and cold because you turned on the fucking shower while I was wearing it. How do you manage to make everything look as if it was my fault, although you’re the one to start all this mess?” Hoseok was genuinely surprised but also kind of worried because of the unhealthy color of the dude’s skin. He walked out, remembering the spot where the towels were and bringing three out, handing two to the freezing stick. 

Hands grabbed the towels like a lifesaver without a comment, curling them around his slim body. The other man closed his eyes with a desperate sigh. 

“Fuck you so fucking much,” he muttered.   
  
“Yes, yes, I’ll fuck myself, but later, when I’m alone. Want to go back into the 100 degrees? I have to go now either way and you can enjoy the silence and hate me.” He smiled and put the leftover towel around his hips.

“I don’t give a shit. If I get a cold, I’ll eat your fucking ass for breakfast. In the bad way,” he hissed and glared at Hoseok as if he had tortured his family in front of his eyes.   
  
“You can’t because it’s so muscular you’d bite your teeth out, sweetheart.” Hoseok chuckled self-confidently, not giving a shit about the DJ being sulky as fuck. 

A smile passed over the plump lips briefly. 

“I’m intrigued and challenged,” the pretty face commented and rubbed his skin with the towel furiously. “When do you perform? I still hate you by the way, my brain just turned back on.”   
  
“Yes, please hate me. Earlier this time and you are earlier too, as I already said you’re after me. 4PM for me, so six for you, you’re lucky. I’ll go find the piano now.” He smiled and walked towards the locker room.

“Why am I lucky?” the DJ called after him, taking off the towels and turning the shower to hot before stepping under it.   
  
“More time,” Hoseok screamed after him before slipping into his clothes, wondering how they could hate each other, be naked around each other but still be able to have a normal conversation. 

_ This is so fucked up. _ _   
_ __   
Indeed. The situation was mental, the amount of times they accidentally met was mental, what they talked about was mental and most importantly, Chae Hyungwon was king of fucking mental.  
  
Hoseok went up and got dressed for his performance. Black skinny jeans and a red silk shirt was the outfit for today, hair styled up for once revealing his forehead. Sleezy? Yes! He didn’t give a shit? Another yes.    
  
Walking along the long hallways with fast steps, taking left and right turns in succession, he finally arrived at the room with the instrument. Still there, thankfully.   
  
Hoseok sat down, adjusting the crappy chair a little, moving his legs to find the perfect position to step on the pedals, hands moving in the air over the keys, simulating the position to play. His right hand moved smoothly hitting the first key, other fingers following, left hand joining forces playing and jumping along the melody, rushed and dragged by the rhythm, body complying to the passion that was undoubtedly music.    
  
Fuck. He loved it so much. 

The instrument was not as good as the one he had home. He brought it from L.A. after moving to Germany. The four weeks the transport had taken had been the worst time of his life, consequently he had been a little depressed, not eating and waiting like a crazy person for his piano to arrive. He remembered shedding tears when they brought it in, stroking the keys as if it was a loved one he hadn't seen for years.   
  
But that was long ago. Now he was a pop singer sitting in a prep hall while playing Beethoven’s third piano concerto op.58 like a madman.   
  
_Amazing, Hoseok. And you called Chae mental, look at yourself, you can easily compete._  
  
A recap of the last hours passed his thoughts and he remembered the shower.  
  
 _He touched your dick, Hoseok. He grabbed your fucking dick with those long fingers of his while staring into your face. How are you going to look at him now?_ _  
_ _  
_Oh no.  
  
He almost forgot but everything rained down on him- while he was playing. What the fuck? He never thought about anything while playing.   
  
_Get your shit together, Hoseok._ _  
_ _  
_A phone call interrupted his inner suffering and he was happy although it was Kihyun.  
  
“You wanted to be friendly, Hoseok. Why are you all over the internet again? Why were you arguing while eating breakfast, what the actual fuck?” Kihyun paused to suck in more air.  
  
“You promised me that you would behave! The article said you ran away and H.One was telling you to choke on a dick. Really? Really man? What did you tell him to get such an answer?” The manager appeared more than angry, which was understandable considering his previous attempt to minimize damage.  
  
“But we were naked in a sauna together. We don’t hate each other, it's all rumours,” Hoseok spilled out, realizing too late how stupid that sounded.  
  
“You were what?” The anger in the other man's voice was replaced by genuine surprise.  
  
“Sauna- we went together. Well, not really but he came when I was there and we talked and then showered.” This sounded plain weird although the description was pretty accurate, leaving out all the unnecessary details.  
  
 __Yes, like the fact that he grabbed you by the dick.   
  
“Uhm, what? Listen I don’t know why you’re drunk at 3PM although you have a performance at 4, but get your shit together and go find him. You’ll have to act really friendly now because the media is loitering around waiting for more publishable bullshit. Swallow your pride, it’s really important,” Kihyun finished before hanging up.  
  
Amazing. Now he had to search for the source of all evil himself, acting out a fabulous show about how nice they were to each other and how well they got along, being best friends and shit.   
  
Not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was really a lot of fun to write this scene, there is so much more coming, look forward to it.  
> Next Chapter on 6th of January at 6 PM CET.
> 
> We write one character each,  
> @Hichanchen writes Hyungwon (and Minhyuk+Jooheon) and  
> @Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok (and Kihyun+Changkyun)
> 
> Hit us up on Twitter  
> @Hichanchen  
> @Smut_Hemingway
> 
> We are extremely happy about every comment and every click. You are one of the major reasons we write. (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Shit, what kind of sick dream is that?”

Hyungwon threw himself on the freshly changed white sheets, body flying up a few centimetres because he was a lightweight. Landing on his stomach he buried his face in his pillow, hoping the cleaning lady hadn't been too weirded out by tissues all over the place. The day had been crazy and he wanted nothing but a little break without humans. 

Closing his eyes for a while and calming his heart, he relaxed, only to groan in desperation. He wasn't even able to take a fucking nap since the switch of hot and cold water against his skin had woken him up for good. 

His eyes opened wide against the fabric and frustration boiled in his veins. He clenched and unclenched his fists, forcing his body to stop thinking about how fucking hot Blondie had looked, sitting spread-legged on a sauna bench. 

The image had been a whole new level of his football player metaphor, straight as fuck, hot as fuck and with one of the most beautiful dicks in the world. How such a beauty was forced to remain in the realms of straight missionary sex was beyond Hyungwon's understanding. 

The only thing that calmed him down was the fact that even beautiful dicks had assholes as their owners, annoying the shit out of you and unable to admit to mistakes. It had been Hyungwon's fucking right to reject a song request and the singer was still not getting the point. Instead he had just pissed the DJ off even more, not letting him listen to quality piano and forcing him to be confronted with the other man's dick in all its glory. All of that instead of sweating all his frustrations out and modelling for his own mental nude magazine on the sauna bench. 

It would have been some nice pics, lying stretched out, only lower half of his face visible and sweat drops sliding down his lifted thigh. 

Like the ones that had run down the singer’s firm chest and abs, some dripping down his face, body almost sparkling in the dim light. 

_ Hyungwon, no. You had enough erection struggles today to last you a lifetime.  _

He had expected some peaceful sauna time, but of course Blondie had to promote the size of his dick in action, planting images inside Hyungwon's head (which had been fucking easy considering the sight) and giving him level 10 blue balls. Torture at its finest, a war of body and mind. 

Had it been anyone else, all the advantages Hyungwon had talked about could have been turned into practise.

But instead the DJ had been dying. The kind of dying where you wanted to be fucked senseless in the sauna. 

However, Hyungwon wasn't someone to go down alone, so he had pulled out all the skills his lips were capable off (apart from superb blowjobs) and sex talked the hell out of Wonho. The fact that talking about sex while in the same room with someone as hot as Blondie was detrimental to self control and keeping your dick soft, had been absolutely secondary. 

He was glad that the other man hadn’t known the intensity with which he had wished to stand up, throw himself on the muscular lap and ride him, taking every sensible thought with his actions instead of his words. His dignity and the other man's desperation had stopped him successfully. 

Just to get fucking disrespected in the shower. 

Hyungwon had wanted to kill the singer, body freezing over and life passing before his eyes. There weren't many things that he killed for but pulling him into cold water was too damn high on that list. Wonho had been too fucking strong for Hyungwon to free himself, holding onto his arm like a steel handcuff. Desperate and furious, Hyungwon had used the only weapon he had, grabbing the other man's beautiful dick. 

_ That was so smart of you Hyungwon. Now you don't only know what it looks like but also what it fucking feels like.  _

Groaning even louder he jumped up from the bed and checked the time. The other man's performance had already started, which meant Hyungwon's wasn't far either. 

And he probably had to see him again, see his face and immediately remember how his wonderful cock had filled out his hand. 

_ Stop thinking about his dick and get your shit together, Hyungwon. He’s an asshole and deserves to be insulted and not thirsted after.  _

Lifting his hand and staring at his long fingers, Hyungwon flexed them a few times, distracting himself with the way it looked before inhaling deeply and checking his outfit. A bathrobe wasn't the best choice for DJing so he switched into a plain black t-shirt with some nice leather pants and a leather jacket and got going. 

His head hurt from all the libido suppression and he focused on the laptop in his hands, playlist prepared and only the equipment left to set up. Arriving backstage, he was happy to not be confronted with Blondie for once, only him and his music occupying his thoughts. 

That was before the cupboard-sized man came from the stage, sweaty as fuck and wearing a red silk t-shirt and impossibly tight pants that left no room for imagination. Imagination he didn't fucking need after the sauna experience.

_ What imagination, Hyungwon? You know what it looks like and you stared long enough to draw every fucking vein on the right spot. _

He expected everything, but sure as hell not Wonho walking towards him with a bright smile, looking happy as if he had seen some big ass boobs bouncing in front of his face. 

“Hey, you're here! I've already waited for you! You have another half an hour because there's a break between our performances for the staff to set everything up. Let's grab coffee.” Blondie was on drugs, some genuinely illegal shit.

“Why the fuck would I even consider going for coffee with you? Did you start your cocktails early today?” Hyungwon asked, eyes narrowed and lips curled in disgust. There was no way that the other man meant any of that and he wasn't dumb enough to play along. 

The smile stayed but the eyes narrowed in an especially nasty manner, the man coming even closer, putting an arm around his shoulder like his best bro and dragging him along somewhere. 

“Yeeeah, I know everything. Let's go, I'll treat you.” He was so strong that Hyungwon had trouble not getting dragged along. 

Treat him? But why the hell would the singer do that? Did Hyungwon fuck up his brain by grabbing his dick?

The DJ was at the edge between confused and fucking terrified, muscular arm resting heavily on him and legs following the other man all on their own.

_ Wait. _

If Wonho wanted to make his own life hell, who was Hyungwon to deny him the suffering

“Sure, baby. What will you buy me?” he asked and put an arm around the singer's waist, smiling at him and easily catching up, thereby walking next to each other instead of tagging along. 

_ If this is a ‘who gets scared first’ challenge you already won, Hyungwon.  _

Wonho’s eyes got huge but he seemed to have caught himself pretty quickly. He walked into one of the prep rooms that was definitely not a fucking coffee shop, closed the door and turned around while staring holes into his face. 

“You. You have to act nice towards me,” he said, low voice coming out. 

Hyungwon laughed out loud. 

The situation was hilarious despite the fact that he wanted the other man to whisper into his ear with that low voice of his. Just a few hours ago Blondie had pissed him off, pulled him under the personification of the fucking north pole and now he expected him to be nice? No fucking way. 

“You wish,” he answered with a smirk, sitting down on one of the tables and crossing his legs, eyebrows raised in expectation. 

Blondie closed his eyes and sighed in annoyance.

“If there's one thing that drives me fucking mad, then it's ending up in situations where I really need something from you and you constantly denying me stuff, although I didn't do anything in the first place,” he elaborated while massaging his temples furiously.

“Actually, it's your fault! You screamed I should choke on a dick and now it's everywhere again. This creepy woman runs after me all the time and wants a statement. Just act as if you like me until they're satisfied and then you can hate me again, okay?” He stared right into Hyungwon’s soul with those nasty brown eyes of his, which was all nice and everything but Hyungwon kinda didn't give a shit. 

“Nope, sweetheart,” he replied with a pitying smile and blew Hoseok a kiss. “I'm unfortunately still convinced that you should choke on a dick. In addition, I don't see why you would mind having a woman run after you. Last time you were upset that she ran from you, so maybe you should decide which one it is, dear.” His grin was unstoppable, brain wondering how many sweet names he could insert into one conversation. 

Desperate Blondie was totally his kink, body muscular and hot as fuck and personality this cute naive epitome of straightness. 

“Why is it so fucking hard? Just act like a human for like three hours and continue being the mental asshole afterwards. I don't care,” Wonho proclaimed, looking a little desperate and annoyed at the same time. 

Well, Hyungwon was always interested in a good deal. That's how he got his way in most arguments after all. It was a mystery how Jooheon hadn't moved out yet. 

“Nothing is for free, Blondie. What do I get for acting like your friend?”

The muscular body moved closer to him, standing only centimetres away. The other man was probably trying to seem intimidating.

_ Aww.  _

“Just tell me what you want me to do.” Wonho looked at him with a serious expression on his face, gaze like a predator, as if Hyungwon would be intimidated by stuff like that. 

_ Bitch, you thought. _

His mind immediately supplied juicy ideas involving the singer in various states of undress. Hyungwon's plump lips around the beautiful cock, on his knees in front of the other man, turning him to mush. However, none of those were appropriate for the current situation and could only result in Hyungwon undermining his own dominance and dignity. No way was he getting on his knees without Blondie all hard and desperate already. In addition Hyungwon didn't want to fuel his fantasies any further. Keeping the other man oblivious about his preferences was the much more amusing and entertaining option. He needed something less racy.

Something embarrassing for the singer but at the same time oddly satisfying for Hyungwon. 

“Say that you liked it when I touched your dick,” he said finally, dropping the sweet name for the demanding tone he used.    
  
It was a sight to behold. Hyungwon never thought eyes could become that big, Jupiter would have been jealous. Well, surprise motherfuckers. Blondie’s face turned pink, mouth opened and he sucked in a long breath, holding it for about ten seconds if not longer. Struggling with oxygen the other man found his gaze and the air finally left his lungs.   
  
“Fuck you,” Wonho hissed, turning around like burned and stormed out of the room. 

The guy was fucking cute, blushing at something as simple as that and running away. Hyungwon hadn’t told him to touch his dick or anything, although it could have been an option. Hell, the DJ could have even told him to masturbate in front of him or other really, really embarrassing shit, but no. He had only told him to say he liked the touch. Simple as that. It didn't even have to be true for fuck’s sake. Blondie only had to step over his pride a little and the pain was over.

_ Why would he blush though, Hyungwon? Had he reacted too much to you touching him? He hadn’t been hard though, after the cold shower and all. _

Fucking please. Hyungwon really wanted Wonho to have suffered from the encounter because fuck he himself did. A lot. It would have only been fair.

Smiling at the antics and the beauty that was Blondie with pink cheeks, he rested both hands next to his hips, stretching his head back to loosen up his muscles. Now he had about 30 minutes until he was supposed to prepare his equipment and could expect to be left alone. Amazing how easy it was to get problems out of the way. Force them to undermine their pride and poof, they are off your dick.   
  
Unexpectedly the door flew open and the muscular man walked back in, threw the door shut behind him and leaned against the wall across the table Hyungwon was sitting on.   
  
“What the actual fuck, Chae Hyungwon? Don’t you think it was enough that you touched it as a matter of fact? What is wrong with you? Why would I say that I liked it? Why would you  _ want _ me to say that I liked it? Why are you torturing me like this? I really need you to act for those three hours.” He was still blushing, head thrown back and obviously trying to collect himself.

Oh god, Hyungwon wanted to ravish him. The desire to just grasp the other man’s face and kiss him senseless, make him forget his own name and why he was even here was almost unbearable. The blush that still covered his cheeks was in such contrast to the pale skin. The whole sight was like a rare treasure, strong and controlled muscular hottie reduced to a blushing, adorable mess. Hyungwon squeezed his legs together painfully to get himself under control. 

Blondie was sweet with the way he had run all the way back despite embarrassment and pride telling him not to. He must have been really shocked by Hyungwon’s suggestion. It would have been nice of him to go along with the singer’s request, to have some mercy, but he couldn’t. He hated stepping down in his decisions and letting someone win because he had done that often enough in his life. He was done with it and if Wonho wanted something he’d have to play according to Hyungwon’s rules.

“It gives me personal satisfaction to hear you say something embarrassing, sweetheart. Are you capable of doing that?” Hyungwon’s voice immediately turned tender, reacting to the sweetness that the other man emanated when he was ashamed. How could anybody be a real dick to him when he acted like that? It felt like kicking a fucking bunny. 

Hyungwon had already stepped down from his demands without meaning to, asking the other man whether he could do it instead of repeating his order and telling him to fuck off if he couldn’t. The DJ still felt troubled at the way his body reacted to the other. It was a really bad situation to spurt a boner. It made him look like a fucking sadist for getting hard at someone’s desperation or a creep for liking to touch others inappropriately and hearing them admit to liking it.

_ But, Hyungwon, saying that you don’t enjoy sexual desperation would be a lie. Not many things are better than someone begging for your touch, unless that same someone ends up getting it in the end and fucking you stupid. _

Hyungwon would have slapped himself, but the situation was a little strange, so he didn’t. Wonho was already confused enough and believed Hyungwon was mental. Hitting himself in the face wouldn't have helped the impression. He had to keep himself in check, pretend to be absolutely unaffected and interested in winning their little game of dominance.   
  
Blondie closed his eyes and slid down the wall, sitting down on the floor.    
  
“Listen, my manager told me to get along with you, so I’m going to be a really good boy and try hard. If you like hearing weird as fuck stuff you can find some lady who’s into the same sick shit as you. I bet there are online panels for that. Request something that makes sense.” Wow, the other man was seriously desperate, sitting on the floor and head in his palms, as if the whole world broke down.

The sight was enough to change plans. Except for a pointless comment about liking something the other man most likely didn't, Hyungwon had only one other mean request. He slipped down from the table, crouching in front of the singer and lifted his face by the chin, grinning at him. 

“Play piano for me.”   
  
Something in the other man’s gaze changed, eyes glaring down and body slowly sliding sideways, obviously away from him. It was like a sick cat and mouse game, where Hyungwon was the cat. And fuck, Hyungwon loved being the cat.   
  
“Why?” Blondie managed to ask back, still trying to escape with little effort and not appear too obvious. 

Double F for  _ Fucking Failed _ .

“Because you are a different person when you play. A much more pleasant one for a fact.” Instead of granting space and freedom he just stayed where he was, dangerously close and intimidating the other man, index finger sliding over the bridge of his nose, his lips and finally over his chin before Hyungwon let go. The singer was really beautiful, especially up close. 

Although Blondie thought that Hyungwon had no appreciation for music, he did. A lot. Listening to the singer play piano had been eye opening. The DJ didn't even remember the last time he just forgot whatever he wanted to do and stood there, listening to music. Hearing it again was worth sacrificing his ‘I'll do whatever you want’ joker. 

Wonho gulped loudly, his adam's apple moving up and down again, before sliding to the right with a smooth movement and standing up.    
  
“Uhm, yeah sure, but I don’t know when. It’s your turn and I’m going back in a bit. But I’ll promise I will, someday, so please comply as long as the reporters want gossip from you.” He walked towards the door. 

Wait, what? Mr. Muscle expected him to just be fine with an uncertain promise of piano playing that he couldn’t even define any further? 

Fuck no.

“I’m not okay with vague bullshit, Blondie. Give me something certain or my ass is out of this deal,” he answered, standing up and grabbing the singer’s shirt to keep him from disappearing before he was done with the conversation. Rude.  
  
The man seemed to be shocked in his presence a lot, looking as if Hyungwon was some kind of nasty alien goo and just his fingers on the silk shirt could give him STDs or something.   
  
“Fine. Just come to the prep room after your performance. I will hang out there anyway. And please let me go. I really need a shower. I sweated a lot on stage just now,” he replied quietly, hesitant to peel Hyungwon’s hands off his shirt.

Smiling the DJ removed his fingers himself, amused by how sweat was suddenly a good reason not to touch when they had been fucking soaked at the sauna. He felt a little bad for the singer, who was obviously uncomfortable as fuck around him. The DJ hadn’t intended to become some kind of nightmare. At all.

“Sounds good, but I honestly can’t find the stupid prep room. I was only there because I got lost last time. Mind picking me up or something?” Hyungwon smiled nicely. He had to do some damage control.   
  
“Sure. I’ll come after you’re done. Need a shower first? I’d pick you up from your room then, just tell me the time.” Wonho was almost out of the door, glancing back.

“8PM,” Hyungwon replied after considering how long he needed for a shower and to get into comfy clothes. He felt a little offended that the singer wasn’t going to see his performance, especially after shaking his ass last time. But neither had he watched the cheesy pop, so whatever.   
  
Blondie hummed in agreement and was out of the door.

Hyungwon couldn’t help feeling bitter at how terrified the other man seemed though. Had he been that aggressive in his approach? Jooheon just laughed his ass off when the DJ sat on his fucking lap, so touching a face shouldn’t have been life changing.

_ Just listen to him play piano, get semi-hard and forget about everything, Hyungwon. _

  
  


_ *** _

  
  


Fuck.  
  
_ You are fucked, Hoseok. What is this? Why is he like this? Is he mental? Does he like torturing people? What’s this sick situation? _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Most importantly: Why are you like this, Hoseok? Why are you reacting like a flustered schoolgirl at this dude’s sick games? Why are you blushing? Why can’t you just repeat a ridiculous sentence and have peace?  _ _   
_ _   
_ The DJ must’ve been high, asking him to say he liked the dude touching his dick. Why would he like it?   
  
_ Did you like it? _ _   
_ _   
_ _ No. _ _   
_ _   
_ __ So, you didn’t like it?   
  
Shaking his head furiously, trying not to think about the nasty question, he stayed outside of the room, grabbing his phone and looking at Kihyun’s message. The man was asking whether everything went according plan. Yeah, besides standing outside blushing like a thirteen-year-old at some dude’s pointless bullshit.

Shit.

He went back. There was no way to ditch this. He had started it with the ridiculous interview and he needed to stay sane for three fucking hours before it was finally over.   
  
_Three hours, Hoseok. You can do it. You played piano for twenty years through the worst times. You can handle this sadistic asshole for those couple of hours._ _  
_ _  
_ _Bitch, you thought_.  
  
Not messing with mental people should've been warning enough, but there he was again, sitting on the ground, getting touched by this really weird sadist. He almost hyperventilated again. He couldn’t deal with stuff like that at all, nobody had prepared him. Hoseok could’ve hit him, but the DJ didn’t do anything worth hitting him in the face for. It just didn’t make any sense to a mediocre human like him. Why the fuck would the other stroke his nose and his lips?   
  
_Fuck, Hoseok, what’s going on_? _You need to get the fuck out. This is really weird._ _  
__  
_Rational arguments. He tried them all including a little insult about the other man’s sadistic kinks. The result was having a fucking 8PM date with the asshole he needed to avoid for the sake of his sanity.  
  
 _You need to play for him. That’s the worst, Hoseok. You should’ve just told him you liked being touched and everything else the sick person wanted to hear. Why are you so stupid?_ _  
_ _  
_He was stressed. The level of stress where you have to perform in front of your piano professor and know that he hates you because you can play Chopin better than him. But also the level of stressed where you have to show someone you hate your most intimate weaknesses.  
  
Thinking hard about possible reasons to cancel everything and get an early flight home, nothing continued to happen. He was still scrubbing his body under the shower, trying to get rid of the useless memories in the sauna and all the mental recollections of the unnecessary body contact Chae Hyungwon considered appropriate.   
  
__Fuck it. Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, Hoseok. Use your fucking brain.   
  
He put on new black underwear and his favourite ripped jeans, half of his muscular thighs on display. Kihyun had once asked whether they were considered pants and whether he couldn’t have bought more fabric for the same amount of money.

  
No. The answer was no.    
  
A plain, black t-shirt was absolutely sufficient to complete his look. Wet bangs were hanging into his eyes a little because of being too lazy to get the hairdryer out. He went through his luggage and got the bottle of cinnamon vodka out. 

Merry Christmas motherfuckers.   
  
He wrote a quick message to the female reporter that pestered him the whole afternoon and got ready to go next door. The proximity of their rooms made him uncomfortable, he didn’t even think about fucking, thoughts of the DJ listening to his moans sending a shiver through his body.   
  
_ Why would he listen to you? He’ll listen to the chick, you weirdo _ .   
  
He picked up the bottle and his key card and closed the door after himself.    
  
He heard steps approaching after knocking seven times out of nervousness. 

The door opened quickly, the DJ holding the handle with one hand and rubbing a towel over his wet hair with the other. His eyes passed swiftly over Hoseok’s body and stopped at the bottle of vodka, an eyebrow raised. 

“Why the hell did you bring vodka? Do you need to be drunk to play piano or something?” Manga face asked, eyes not even widened but huge as fuck on their own, taking up all the space in his face. Besides his lips.    
  
“I need to drink before I play,” Hoseok bullshitted him without blinking an eye. Not wanting to play was the only reason he was there, trying to come up with shit loads of excuses beforehand because he couldn’t lie to save his fucking life.

Unfortunately the other man didn't buy it immediately, eyes narrowing. 

“That's plain weird. Why would you drink when you have to perform, especially last time I saw you?” The mistrust was clear from how he didn't even step away from the door, blocking the entry.    
  
_ Good that you work out, Hoseok. You can be weird too. _ _   
_ _   
_ He placed a flat palm against the lightweight, pushing him inside the room. Fuck, the dude weighted basically nothing. It was amazing.   
  
__ Yes, why are you so fucking terrified then, Hoseok?   
  
Good question. Next question. How was he supposed to make the Manga face drink? Hoseok removed his hand and placed the vodka on the table.    
  
“Are you my manager? Why are you so concerned? Just sit down and get two glasses from the minibar. The festival is over and I’m fucking happy I don’t have to see you again after that. Let’s celebrate,” he said while glaring up to the apparently confused asshole. 

“First, pushing me into my own hotel room and telling me to drink is not really how I imagine celebrating the end of a festival. Second, why the fuck do I have to watch you drink? You should have done it before coming here so that I can see that piano playing we agreed on.” The black-haired man didn't move an inch from the spot that Hoseok had tackled him to, looking annoyed and brushing the towel-dried hair out of his eyes.    
  
Why was he so complicated? Couldn’t he just drink like a normal guy, sharing stories about breasts and annoying dudes he wanted to punch?    
  
_ Yes, Hoseok, last time he talked about fucking you got hard in a sauna. For no fucking reason. _   
  
“Oh just sit down. You better comply if you want me to play that Beethoven sonata for you. Give me something to pour this Christmas vomit in, because I’m not going to drink that out of the bottle. Or should I?” Hoseok asked, still staring up. He just hoped that the guy would throw away his fucking towel and sit the fuck down to get drunk. 

Something in the DJ’s demeanor changed, eyebrow rising and body moving smoothly through the room, throwing the towel on the bed. The room was not as messy as one might have expected the room of a dude with questionable preferences to look. His luggage was open on the side, but the only article of clothing lying around was a bathrobe on the bed and the towel the guy had thrown there.

Sighing loudly, the DJ sat down on a chair and crossed his legs, like he had in the little room thst he had freaked the shit out of Hoseok in. 

“Feel free to drink it the way you want, sweetheart. I don’t give a shit and if you want something you have to fucking get it. If you haven’t forgotten, you are the one desperate to offer me something.” He gestured towards Hoseok and then to himself. ”I am only here to hear you play, get my kick out of it and never see you again, Blondie.”   
  
He wanted to punch him. Really badly. Having a person denying everything so persistently had been a first for Hoseok.    
  
“You will, but I’m not your fucking entertainer, so get your skinny ass here and drink with me.” Hoseok opened the bottle and pointed at the minibar, hoping the annoying person would just stand up and get the tumblers without him losing his shit before the fun started.

The famous smirk appeared and the DJ stood up, getting the tumblers and placing them on the table in front of Hoseok soundly.

“Just don't run away crying afterwards, honey. You wanted this.” He sat down at the table, stretching out his long legs, arms crossed.    
  
Was that a threat? Well, that didn’t work well then. What kind of threat would he expect from someone he could nudge to mars by blowing air at him?   
  
He started laughing, imagining how the dude could possibly beat him in drinking. His body couldn’t even handle cold water, what vodka? He’d probably just fall asleep after a shot.   
  
“Cute, how you try to threaten me. I don’t think you’re in the position to do that with that body of yours.” He grinned, glancing up once again to confirm his impression, eyes sliding over the thin figure.

“My body is capable of a lot of things you can't even imagine, Blondie,” the black-haired man commented with a smirk, taking the bottle and filling two shots for the two of them. “I'm amazed by how you always think that bench pressing wins you every fight. Surprise motherfucker, it doesn’t.”   
  
“I’m amazed by how you think you could beat me in any kind of competition, asshat,” Hoseok answered, smiling brightly and touching the other man’s tumbler with his, evoking a small sound before gulping the shot down. The liquid burned his throat but he couldn’t care less, not wanting to play piano in front of the annoying dude being his only motivation to continue.

The DJ laughed out loud, grabbing his own shot and emptying it quickly, face scrunching for a few seconds. 

“I can think of quite some competitions after which you’d run home to your mom, sweetheart. Do you consider this a competition?” he asked and pointed at the bottle of vodka.    
  
_ He might just go out and scream about his wish for you to choke on a dick again. Be nice for once. _ _   
_ __   
“No, we wanted to be nice to each other for those three hours right? So I guess we’ll just be nice and never see each other again after that. Preferably,” Hoseok answered while pouring another two shots in.

Wonder took over the DJ’s features, staring at Hoseok pouring their next shots. 

“I thought you wanted to pretend for other people. Now you want us to get closer, hun? Sweet, I'm no fan of alcohol poisoning and not ready to lie naked in a ditch though.”   
  
Yeah right, weird person spilling weird bullshit all over the place without proper reasoning. What had he even thought before coming there? Nothing. He had thought about nothing, except for not wanting to play piano.    
  
“Mhm, call me whatever you want, Hyungwon. It’s not alcohol poisoning, it’s responsible drinking, and it’s a mystery how you want to end up lying naked in a ditch when you’re in your own hotel room. How was the gig?” Hoseok switched the topic while downing the second shot. 

Long fingers grasped their full tumbler and pushed it to the side delicately, eyeing Hoseok. 

“Drinking vodka as two people with two shots within two minutes doesn't sound like responsible drinking. In addition I'm really curious how your brain concluded that I actually want to be naked in a ditch. Hasn't happened yet and I don't have the intention to make it happen. Have you ever had sex in public?” Manga face replied, absolutely calm and as if he had been talking about the weather, completely ignoring Hoseok’s question and asking his own.    
  
“No. How is that related to your gig? Some new performance?” Hoseok laughed out loud.

Hyungwon cracked up, seriously, holding his stomach and almost hitting his forehead on the table. His hand grabbed the edge and he pushed himself up. 

“Okay, fuck, that was a good one. Hell no, I don't fuck during my performances. That's weird, even for my standards.”   
  
Did he even have any? Like- what standards, seriously?   
  
“Drink up. When are you flying back?” Hoseok wanted to shift the topic to something normal people talked about when drinking.

The DJ raised an eyebrow again and grabbed his tumbler, drinking it's content in a quick motion of his hand. 

“I’m not flying back. I'm taking the train. It's close enough after all. Around 10AM tomorrow. You?”   
  
Train was nice too, no security checks and everything.    
  
“Noon, enough time to get sober.” Hoseok poured another round, grinning shamelessly and sensing the victory coming sooner or later.

“Not for me though,” the DJ commented and threw Hoseok a judgemental look. “I think two shots are enough to hear you play, aren't they?” Then he suddenly smiled again, resting his elbows on the table and leaning forward. “Or have you changed your mind and would prefer to do something else for me, Blondie?”   
  
Do something for him? Something like what? Tell him that he liked being grabbed by his dick again?    
  
_ Oh dear god, really? _   
  
“What? You want to hear that I liked you almost ripping off my dick? Is that something that gets you off?” Hoseok tried to remain calm while looking at his watch.

“What I did can be rather described as ‘squeezing tightly’. Get your facts straight, honey.” The other blew him a kiss and kept the proximity, watching his reaction intently, lifting the third shot and downing it, eyes not leaving his.    
  
“Please don’t, I don’t think we will end up in a situation like this again. I’m flying back and you’re going back and that’s it. Just- let’s enjoy the last bit and fuck off peacefully to live our own lives.” He poured another shot, suddenly thinking about the desire to play. But not for that asshole. For himself. He closed his eyes for a short moment, thinking about the Liszt piece he wanted to play before Hyungwon had messed up his plans.

“Okay, Blondie, enough primary school level distraction attempts. You have two possibilities. You go and show me how you play or I’ll go out and tell people what I think of you, short spoiler, it will be cursing.”    
  
Shit. Shit, shit, shit. He didn’t think the other would be so persistent.    
  
_ Just go there, play one sonate and fuck off, Hoseok. He heard you once already and it’s not a concert or something. Why would you care whether you play well or not.  _   
  
He stood up after drowning the last shot, and walked towards the door.   
  
“Fuck you. I really, really hate you but let’s get this over with.” He smiled bitterly and waited for the annoying man to follow. 

“Perfect.”

Smirking in triumph, like the sadist he was, the DJ followed him, grabbing his key card and closing the door behind them.  
  
They walked through the hallway in absolute silence. Hoseok didn’t want to talk, he just wanted to pass out for those ten minutes and wake up after it was over. Coming into the room, he aimed for the instrument standing in the corner. He adjusted the chair and opened the lid.   
  
“Let’s get this over with,” he whispered, a mixture of alcohol and adrenaline rushing through his veins and numbing his perception. A quick glance at the keys, a short touch and his hands decided for a piece, before he himself could.   
  
_Liszt ‘Love Dream’ it is._ _  
_ __  
The piece was so emotional, he surprisingly lost himself somewhere between the adagio, the melody taking him somewhere where it was okay to be himself, to close his eyes and just play, without being worried about anything. The slow parts evoked feelings he could only describe by moving his body and hands, led by the melodic pattern, a smile appeared on his face. 

Hoseok felt nothing but music.   
  
He didn't understand why, but he felt happy.    
  
  


***

 

There were a few bad decisions Hyungwon had made in his life. Agreeing to finish his education in Korea although he should have just fucked everything and left immediately, thereby sparing himself some of the shit storms, was one of them. 

Drinking with a guy he kind of had the hots for but hated the guts of wasn't as bad. If the prey walked into the cave all on its own, it wasn't his fault, was it? So he had drunk a few shots with Blondie, watching the way the other man attempted to distract from the fact he had to play piano. It had been sweet and obvious, not enough to evoke Hyungwon's pity. At all. 

_ You wanted to see him play so he has to fucking play. That’s the deal.  _

That's what had brought them into a prep room in the late evening, festival already over and nobody in the building. Both of them after their third shot and with reduced cognitive capabilities. 

_ No one would ever come here no matter what happens, Hyungwon. _

His brain was already going places, filling his mind with images of Blondie at the sauna, yearning he had felt back then raining down on him, fuelled by the fact that alcohol made him horny. Very horny. ‘I don't care what you look like as long as your body can make me see stars‘ horny. 

The moment the singer sat down at the piano and began playing after taking a deep breath, changed a lot of things. 

Hyungwon felt like all the air was being constricted in his lungs, warmed up and released slowly to burn up his whole body. He had enough musical knowledge to appreciate it when someone played piano well and could even play himself, result of his Korean parents wanting to add more specs to his qualifications. But no matter how long Hyungwon had played or what he could do, compared to the way the singer was capable of stroking the keys, he was a child learning how to walk. 

The emotions that the other man was capable of evoking were beyond everything music usually did to Hyungwon. It was slow but also sensual, fingers moving smoothly over the keys, every movement and every pause purposeful and adding to the story he was telling.    
  
Wonho was the most talented pianist Hyungwon had ever encountered and why the hell someone like this would undermine his abilities and not bless every goddamn soul with them was a mystery. The DJ would have paid everything he had including his savings (enough for emergencies) just to listen to the soft notes Wonho could fill the room with. 

Hyungwon's brain was a little fuzzy from the countless shots (three) he had gulped down before coming and his fingers were yearning to touch the other man. To grasp the firm shoulders, resting on them and breathing in his scent while melting into the beauty that his hands were able to create.    
  
He was leaning against the side of the piano and watched how Wonho closed his eyes, breathing perfectly synchronized with the melody, leaning forward to emphasize and sinking back to enjoy. It was beautiful. 

Simply beautiful.    
  
When the breathtakingly talented blonde closed his eyes, blind to the way his fingers continued the story, Hyungwon couldn't resist anymore. He stabilised himself and walked the mere meter behind the other man, palms resting on his shoulders, feeling the way muscle tension appeared and disappeared smoothly. A blonde strand obscured the pianists sight and Hyungwon removed it carefully, although the beautiful man didn't need his vision for his skill.    
  
Emotions kept cursing through him, chest feeling full and body yearning for warmth, unable to express it with words. Breathing out slowly he rested his head on Wonho's right shoulder, closing his eyes and breathing in the other man's scent. He smelled like chocolate and something a little heavier. It was surprising enough for Hyungwon to open his eyes and check his surroundings before realizing it was really chocolate and relaxing into the other man's muscular body again.

_ Get your shit together, Hyungwon. You're not supposed to desire someone because them playing piano is an emotional turn on. It’s not the time for an emo-boner. _

It wasn't, but Hyungwon had drunk enough shots to not give a shit. If the singer disliked the contact he would push him away. However, Wonho's behaviour and the way he merged into his music, not reacting to Hyungwon's bodily contact was enough of a ‘yes’. The DJ didn't need any more than that, basking in the music and the other man, both blurring his senses and making him wish for more. 

The music stopped and the only thing Hyungwon could feel was the other man's upper body, lifting and sinking under his palms. 

“I'll play another one. You are free to leave,” the blonde whispered and placed his fingers over the keys again, stroking them lightly before hitting the first note and closing his eyes. 

_ You can't leave.  _

Hyungwon attempted to calm his racing heart, affected by the situation and the warmth that was seeping from the other man's shoulders into his fingers. Opposed to what Wonho suggested, he stayed in place, listening intently and his head resting on the muscular shoulder. 

“I love it when you play,” he whispered against the black t-shirt.   
  
The blonde didn’t seem to notice his presence at all, drowning in the music, muscles flexing and relaxing under his palms, fingers moving so fast and skillfully, creating an immense tension before crushing down in a couple of low chords, smashing everything around them and leaving a pile of emotions that built up.   
  
Wonho slid his hands down and pressed both palms against his thighs, breathing heavily and eyes closed, small beads of sweat glistening at his temple. 

The wreckage that the music left in its wake was intoxicating, the singer appearing as only the shell of the melody that his hands created. Hyungwon squeezed the shoulders under his fingertips, attempting to keep the tension that the piano notes had fought off from returning. After a few moments he lifted his head, ready to face reality and the fact that the blissful emotional state he had basked in had ended. 

He didn't know what the hell his alcohol- and music-clouded brain had been thinking but when he placed a tender kiss against the other man's nape it was already too late. 

_ Dumbfuck. Hope that he's too out of it to realize. Or blame it on the alcohol. That always works.  _

The blonde man turned around, showing no signs of surprise on his face. There was just a pair of big, brown eyes looking at him, mouth slightly opened and a tender blush covering the cheeks. 

_ Fuck.  _

Hyungwon couldn't help it, not at all. He didn't even have the time to begin to contemplate his choices when his inhibition died for good and his fingers grabbed the beautiful man's chin, holding on to it and closing the distance between them. The singer had very soft lips, kiss easy because of the suddenness and the fact that Wonho’s mouth had been partially open. 

It felt as if time was standing still. The man didn’t move, still in his previous position, hands placed on his thighs while closing his eyes slowly.

Hyungwon's inhibition was screaming to be left out of its alcohol prison, shouting at him that pushing a tongue into someone's mouth might need a sign of mutual interest first. Still he licked over the soft lower lip, tasting it and his hand slid smoothly from the other man's shoulder to his neck and finally to the soft blonde hair, the source of why Hyungwon called him ‘Blondie’. It was like a dream, feeling unreal and fuzzy, brain too slow to catch up with what he was doing. 

Another tender lick to the other man's addicting lower lip followed, waiting to see whether he'd gain access for a proper kiss or would have to be satisfied with first base lip pressing.   
  
The velvety lips parted for good and let him in without any kind of resistance. 

That had been the ‘okay‘ Hyungwon needed to fuck his resolutions cowboy style, tongue easily moving into the other's mouth and taking control of the kiss, pulling his blonde hair lightly to tilt Wonho’s beautiful face and get a better angle. The pianist tasted like cinnamon, probably just like Hyungwon did himself. He licked over the singer's tongue and teeth, sucking his lower lip into his mouth before letting go and nibbling on it. It didn't feel like enough, kissing Wonho was just as addicting as his piano playing was.    
  
The man kissed back, rather hesitant at first but he slid his tongue into Hyungwon’s mouth, tasting him and breathing against his skin.

Shit. All of Hyungwon's previous fantasies that consisted of the beautiful man, had involved much less clothing and much less obedience. Blondie wasn't supposed to just kiss back. He should have been complaining until Hyungwon blew his mind with amazing deep-throating skills. Getting kissed back without much effort just clouded the DJ’s brain further, letting Wonho explore a little before taking control of the kiss again and exploring himself. He loved how the other man tasted behind the wall of vodka and cinnamon. Hyungwon wanted to taste more of him. 

His body reacted faster than his mind followed, jeans painfully tight and lips tingling, wanting to explore and get more comfortable. He grasped Wonho's wrists, lifting the hands from his lap and occupied the space himself, placing the other man's palms on his waist instead. Enjoying the feeling of the singer's muscular thighs under his ass he curled his arms around Wonho's neck and connected their lips again, the taste of the other man filling up his senses.    
  
The blonde gasped loudly when Hyungwon placed his body over him, but obviously hadn't had enough time for his mind to follow, as his hands just grabbed the DJ’s sides and stroked up and down his thin waist. 

Fuck, Hyungwon loved being inferior in body size but still able to drive his lovers crazy. 

_ Too bad that he probably won't pull through. Just try to get the most out of it, Hyungwon.  _   


The DJ smiled into the kiss, pushing his hips down, curling a blonde strand around his index finger and sucking on the other man’s tongue at the same time. Well, that was one beautiful low moan that accompanied the air that was pressed out of the blonde’s mouth, strong hands clenching around his hips. 

Shit, Hyungwon really wanted to dirty talk but his sexual experience with straight guys told him that his voice was a little too low to not freak the shit out of them during the first time. They tended to realize that he was ‘kind-of-rather’ male and even under influence he knew better than to ruin the fun before it started. So he just hissed instead and repeated his hip roll, kissing along Wonho’s jaw and neck, sucking on the sensitive skin and licking over an exposed collarbone.    
  
Another moan. The other man kept his eyes closed, his body reacting to Hyungwon’s every fucking movement, biting his lower lip and holding onto him for dear life. It was amazing how the singer was unable to control his facial expressions, bliss immediately visible on his face.

Hyungwon loved every fucking second of it and he needed more. 

He would have preferred to feel the pianist’s talented fingers inside of him instead of on his waist, but not every wish was reasonable, so he had to be concentrated enough to come up with something. Moving his hips repeatedly and abusing the pale skin below his lips, he bought himself more time to decide what he wanted to do. 

Wonho was basically at his mercy, obviously affected judging by the prominent erection under Hyungwon's ass and a little out of it, no signs of the usual nasty expression on his face. His mouth was red, gasping at every motion and sensation, eyes still closed and tongue licking over his lips repeatedly.

Hyungwon wanted to taste it again, so he did, kissing the other man roughly and deciding for something simple. He snuck his right hand between their bodies while playing with Wonho's tongue again and quickly opened the button and zipper of the singer's jeans. His long fingers finally closed around the erection he had basically drooled after for the past day. It felt just as good as he had imagined, straight with some prominent veins which were easily traceable with his fingertips. 

Hyungwon really wanted to taste it but that might have been a little much too, so he teased the shit out of the other man instead. His thumb moved smoothly over the tip, spreading precum and digging into the slit. Creating a tight ring with his index and thumb only, he slid down the beautiful dick, catching every moan and gasp in a deep kiss.   
  
“Fuck.” The body under him tensed and he felt every muscle flexing, a hand grabbing his hair and pushing him back into the kiss. 

Blondie was fucking strong. And hot. A lethal combination for Hyungwon's libido. The DJ wanted to see him use that strength with his hips, body rolling and arms flexing to hold himself up. He smiled into the kiss, enjoying the pull on his hair and slowed down the slide of his fingers enough to be pleasing but not enough to send the other man over the edge. 

He fucking loved teasing. Every orgasm was worth the effort as long as you didn't give yourself to the pleasure immediately, letting it tickle at the edges but not quite spilling over yet. 

The low sounds the other man was making were riling him up steadily, his own pleasure constantly at the back of his head. Unable to keep quiet completely (he never could) he moaned into the pianist’s mouth and tried to get closer, fingers still moving smoothly over his erection. 

_ You could just get off together as long as that doesn't freak him out. The friction is worth going gay for.  _ _   
_ __   
“Shit, what kind of sick dream is that?” the low voice moaned into his mouth, while Blondie’s body knew better, hips intuitively thrusting up. 

_ Well, fuck. So he started thinking a little. _

But Hyungwon really didn't want him to. Not before both of them had gotten off. The body knew better and Blondie should have listened. The DJ helped out a little by increasing the speed of his fingers, keeping them as one tight ring and not blessing Wonho with his whole hand. His lips found the singer’s earlobe and licked over it, sucking it into his mouth and moaning into the other man’s ear on purpose.   
  
Then the other man's eyes opened and stared up at him for what felt like an eternity, before the singer caught Hyungwon’s lower lip with his teeth, sucking on it and licking into his mouth. 

_ Well, that was unexpected. _

Hyungwon loved every second. Enjoying the other’s active involvement that didn’t stop at grasping his sides like desperation in person and groaning, he responded immediately, moaning into his mouth and feeling the painful tension in his groin. He really needed to get off, but waiting was worth it. 

_ Think of the marshmallow test, Hyungwon. Even five-year-olds can wait a little if they get a second marshmallow later. You can wait a few minutes for a better orgasm, can’t you? _

Blondie in action was much hotter than passive Blondie so Hyungwon forgot his resolutions to stay quiet, hissing a few variations of ‘god’ and ‘fuck’ into the other man’s mouth.   
  
Strong hands went down to his thighs, squeezing the muscles and hips moving smoothly under him while Wonho obviously lost his fucking mind, moaning and cursing under his breath, not able to run away with Hyungwon on his lap like that. 

Shit, Hyungwon loved it. Too much. But the likelihood of getting off himself in this position was rather low and he really didn’t want to have to beat his meat alone in his hotel room. Especially not if he could have such a glorious sight instead, affecting him much better than his imagination could.

_ Just take the easy way out, Hyungwon. Do what you’re best at and blow his fucking mind. _

Taking a deep breath and biting down on the singer’s lower lip, tickling out another moan for his personal satisfaction, Hyungwon slid down from the other’s lap. He simply pushed his body backwards, palms flat against Wonho’s chest, thereby landing on the ground with his knees and finding himself in the perfect position to give the epitome of straightness the best gay blowjob of his life. 

Hyungwon had a reputation for being unforgettable in that area. Since thinking was dangerous when it came to straight guys he didn’t hesitate long, curling his hand around the erection completely and giving it a few strokes for distraction, staring up at the other man to see if there would be any doubt. 

_ Just deep-throat him immediately if he looks a little hesitant, Hyungwon. That solves it usually. _ _   
_ __   
The pair of eyes staring down at him were huge in comparison to their natural state. His lips were swollen and parted, as if trying to say something, but the man looked so out of it and so beautifully fucked out, blushed and breathing heavily. 

_ Good enough. _

The DJ slowed down his strokes and parted the other man’s legs carefully, nesting himself between them. Keeping his expression soft cause that was what most of his sexual partners were usually into, he moved towards the other's beautiful erection, impatient to find out what the other man tasted like and at the same time impatient to see his facial expression as soon as he was close enough. The struggle to decide what he wanted to see more was real. He finally decided for a combination and licked over the tip, slowly and without removing his eyes from the vulnerable expression on the singer’s face.   
  
His mouth opened wider and the blonde man sucked in a breath that didn’t come back out, before biting down on his lower lip, fingers mercilessly digging into his thighs, not knowing where to place them and obviously too shy to grab Hyungwon’s hair. The expression was something between strain and bliss.

“It’s okay, feel free to grab my hair, babe,” Hyungwon murmured against the erection between his lips and added another lick, this time all the way from the base to the tip, sucking on the slit and twirling his tongue over the head. Damn, he really loved giving head.   
  
“Fuck.” A low groan escaped Blondie’s mouth before his right hand grabbed a fist of hair and pulled slightly, muscular body still tensed in a desperate attempt to stay still. 

It was so fucking worth it. Hyungwon smiled, repeating the whole thing, licking from the base to the tip and exhaled hot breath over the other man’s cock before sucking at the transition between head and shaft. 

“You’re lucky that no one is around at this time,” he whispered and began the real thing, sucking at the tip and slowly working himself down, trying to fit as much as possible before sucking back up, right hand massaging the singer’s balls in the process. Hyungwon was a fan of mixed sensations and the more the better.   
  
“You, why are you…? Fuck.” Blondie couldn’t form a complete sentence, curses and low moans filling the room, face getting even more color than before and obviously not able to decide whether to close his eyes or stare down at Hyungwon, looking all hot and bothered by the sight. The struggle was relatable, Hyungwon was very pretty after all and even straight dudes tended to be caught off guard by his looks, especially between their legs. 

But opposed to the other presumably straight guys the hand that raked through his hair was so strangely tender, without the usual pulling and pushing all over the place. 

_ He’s probably conflicted and hasn’t decided what he wants yet. _

Hyungwon gently used the thumb and forefinger of his right hand to massage the skin between the singer’s balls, mouth continuously working on his tip. Switching hands he used the right to stroke what he couldn’t fit into his mouth and the left to caress along his balls. He moaned around the other’s erection to add some more vibrations.

_ You forgot yourself, Hyungwon. _

Right. He had gotten a little too enthusiastic about getting the pianist off, forgetting his own pleasure in the process. The sight had been enough to burst a nut, even without stimulation, but a hand was still better than no hand. Focusing on stroking and sucking at the same time he unbuttoned his pants with his left hand, touching himself at the same speed with which he sank his head down on the other man’s dick. Getting the timing right would be difficult, unless Hyungwon managed to come first. 

_ Perfectly possible. _

He let the beautiful erection slide out of his mouth to buy himself some time (and thereby get to the same state of desperation). Staring up at the blushing male, he slowly moved his dick along his lips and tongue for effect. The other man's face was a sight to behold. That in combination with his hand on his own dick evoked a moan, closing his eyes briefly and hissing out a curse before opening them again and focusing on riling up the pianist further. Multitasking was a real challenge, but Hyungwon was good at this.   
  
“I...you….you shouldn’t...oh god.” The visibly affected man closed his eyes after moaning gibberish all over the place. Hyungwon must have really fucked with his brain if he was unable to finish his sentence properly although the DJ hadn’t even deep-throated him yet. 

Increasing the speed of his strokes on his own dick he felt ready for the final, placing a timid kiss on the tip of the singer’s cock and moaning against it before taking a deep breath and swallowing as much of it as he could, feeling it hitting the back of his throat. His right hand moved down to tug at the other man’s balls lightly as he repeated the motion again and again, feeling himself get closer to orgasm just as quickly as the moaning mess above him. 

When he felt himself balancing on the edge of bliss he deep-throated the other man’s dick again and remained like that, thereby getting his own kick out of the blow job and groaning around the other man’s erection as he came. He allowed himself only a few seconds to calm down from his high before he resumed his actions, bobbing his head repeatedly in combination with the skillful fumbling of his right hand. 

The grip on his hair tightened but the blonde wasn’t able to do anything, as the sensation probably hit him like a brick in the face.

As soon as he could feel Wonho’s dick twitch in his mouth his right hand slid up, index finger pressing down on the area between the singer’s ass and balls, swallowing down the other man’s release with practised ease. 

Wonho was so fucking beautiful when he came.   
  
_ Fuck.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested, the piece Hoseok played was: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FqugGjOkQE 
> 
> Shit escalated but there is so much more coming, look forward to it.  
> Next Chapter on 8th of January at 6 PM CET.
> 
> We write one character each,  
> @Hichanchen writes Hyungwon (and Minhyuk+Jooheon) and  
> @Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok (and Kihyun+Changkyun)
> 
> Hit us up on Twitter  
> @Hichanchen  
> @Smut_Hemingway
> 
> We are extremely happy about every comment and every click. You are one of the major reasons we write. (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	5. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m kind of moving out.”

He couldn’t identify the exact moment when everything went down the drain, one bad decision following the other before it was impossible to stop the flow of actions and reactions.   


He had played piano, he had lost himself, he had wanted to play more, although Chae Hyungwon was there. Next to him. Moreover, he had been strangely encouraged by the hands resting on his shoulders, as if the asshole DJ was fucking Ludwig Van Beethoven himself or something.   
  
_Did you really need confirmation from a knob turning macbook dude who told you your music was shit? Really Hoseok? Why?_  
  
He had no idea why. He had had one or two shots more than he should have and his fingers just flew over the keys, the piece he chose a little different from his usual repertoire. Liszt - ‘Harmonies du soir No. 11’ was a little too emotional, even for him. His body tensed while he played, silently wondering how he was able to hit every note perfectly while being tipsy as fuck and having company. He would’ve stumbled around if he stood up, but his hands knew what to do.   
  
His skin felt like fire when the almost ten minutes, that the classical piece continued, passed and the end approached, building up tension and slowing down with soft minor chords until his hands slipped down the instrument.   
  
The tingling fire burning up his insides and leaking into his skin, felt even hotter against his neck and he turned around, facing a pair of big, brown eyes full of something he couldn’t quite understand. The eyes came closer, vision becoming blurry, tingling fire spreading onto his lips, leaving a broiling feeling. It seemed as if the burning heat of his skin concentrated in one place, sucking up all his senses pressing them into one spot that reacted like an atom bomb.  
  
He clenched his eyes shut, trying to figure out what was happening, lips parting and a moist sensation paired with something rather rough and painful shot through the burning pit. It felt like the start of Liszt- ‘Années de Pélerinage’, those chords ripping through his insides. His mind wandered along, giving access to the music paired with the bodily sensation, fueled by the proximity of another body.  
  
The notes were interrupted as the moist, plump lips left his own, body hovering over his lap in an instant, reconnecting the notes to a chord played in _espressivo_ and resuming the melody in a faster rhythm. His insides burned from pleasure, not knowing how to handle the sudden wave, hands holding onto dear life, hereby adding up to the tension.   
  
A hand between his legs made him gasp. Missing the warm plump lips on his own, he looked up. Those brown eyes were surrounded by black bangs, red mouth being the only thing he needed at that specific moment. So he went for it. Without thinking.  
  
 _Fuck._  
  
The pit lit up again, as expected, his body and hands knew better than him. The sensation between his legs threatened to wash over everything else and he forced himself to open his eyes, staring up at the strangely beautiful face. The familiar beautiful face. The nasty face that made him feel Liszt with his body on a whole new dimension.   
  
“Shit, what kind of sick dream is this?” His low voice disturbed the burning, his body moving under the person over him, involuntarily, on it’s own, until fingers tightened around his erection and made him see stars again.   
  
_And feel music._   
  
He opened his eyes, sucking in every feature in front of him, his hands placed on the sides of the long body, the expression before him strangely mesmerizing. He wanted more. He needed to feel the chords flowing through his veins again.

_ You need to feel more, all of it, so you can remember. _ _   
_ _   
_ He went for it. Again. Taking every little bit that was available, moving his lips and hands, until he lost the contact.   
  
Hoseok was not sure what he thought when he looked down between his legs. He surely wasn’t prepared for the sight, the wish for more clouding his senses and making him do stupid and irrational things, only because he wanted to feel those sensations again. His ability to verbalize vanished after an embarrassing attempt to make everything stop. Rather pathetic, lacking sincerity and determination from the start.    
  
_ You don’t want it to stop.  _   
  
His hands raked through the other's black hair as he lost himself completely, turning into a moaning mess under his touch. The music returned as the sensations connected to notes, playing with them, rushing after each other, melody so beautiful and expressive like he had never heard and felt before, quickly rushing through a bunch of minor and major chords, followed by a burning fire that turned into a huge explosion, music flowing through his veins and sparking through every single nerve in his body.    
  
“Oh my fucking god.” A whisper left his mouth and he opened his eyes while breathing heavily and met those huge, brown orbs staring up.    
  
From between his legs.    
  
A small smile appeared on the red, swollen lips.    
  
Manga face, Chae Hyungwon, DJ H.One, mean, annoying asshole. Shit.    
  
_ Fuck. What the fuck? What have you done, Hoseok? Why? _ _   
_ __   
His brain went absolutely nuts, fueled by euphoria and the sheer craziness of the whole situation. It was enough to put his pants back on and stumble out of the room without looking back. 

Hoseok’s hands got rid of everything that was not skin in a matter of seconds after entering his room. Pants and shirt flew somewhere, his vision too blurry to recognize where. His feet carried him into the shower. Standing under the water, drops covering his body and face, flowing and dripping down his nose and eyelashes, he propped himself up against the wall, breathing heavily and trying to make sense of everything.    
  
_ Fuck. _   
  
Images of the other man’s swollen lips pressing onto his and abusing his skin, teeth sinking into his lower lip and those hips rolling against his lap, flooded his brain. He let out a desperate groan and started rubbing his skin furiously, as if sure that those memories would get washed away with water and shower gel. But it just got worse. When he started washing himself thoroughly, the sight of the black-haired man between his legs hit him like a crashing wave.   
  
_ Shit, no, fuck, why, Hoseok, fucking why? _

_ You don't even want it to vanish, you masochist.  _   
  
No matter how drunk he had been before, he had never been drunk enough to get it on with a man. He had gay friends, but they all were super chill about that and made fun of his muscles and everything. There was never tension or attraction involved.    
  
Was Chae Hyungwon gay?    
  
_ Why would he blow you otherwise? Why would he blow you even if he was gay? He would’ve told you if he was, right? But he kept talking about fucking in the sauna instead.  _

Why did Manga face kiss him? Was it even Chae’s idea? Hoseok wasn’t even sure that the whole thing wasn’t his own initiation.   
  
_ Fuck. What are you going to do? What is this? _   
  
He didn’t want this. He repeated it for about ten minutes while standing under the shower, hoping that everything would fade and flow away like the water, while trying to come up with a piano piece to make it better but nothing came. Nothing but those chords Manga face made him feel with his body. 

Fuck.    
  
_ You looked him in his fucking eyes before going for his mouth, Hoseok. Are you dumb? Why would you do that? You had quadzillion possibilities to stop. You can’t even blame it on the alcohol. _   
  
He didn’t want to think about the fact that he just made out with a dude he hated, being aware and kind of initiating everything, unable and unwilling to stop.    
  
_ Yes, making out is a little understatement, isn’t it? He had your dick in his fucking mouth, Hoseok. And he... _   
  
Hoseok hit his head against the shower wall, desperate and feeling like the epitome of stupidity, regret and almost crying at the lack of proper decision making strategies. 

_ You hate each other. It's the worst possible outcome.  _   
  
He threw everything he saw lying around the room into his luggage and picked up his phone, booking a flight for three times the normal price, just to get the fuck out of the hotel and the city, anywhere where he could have encountered the black-haired man that was indeed ruining his fucking life.   
  
He called the reception, requesting a taxi before taking a final look at the room and silently wishing to leave every memory there. He just wanted to continue living like before, without having to see the black-haired devil ever again.    
  
_ Please. _   
  
_

 

“Lena is here, get dressed, she might stab herself in the eyeball from the traumatic sight.” Changkyun’s voice disturbed his thoughts while he lay on the bed, thinking about how much he hated standing up during the last two weeks.   
  
Putting on a black shirt and sweatpants, he forced his body to leave the room and be remotely social, which consisted of him smiling at Changkyun’s petite girlfriend and saying ‘hi’ before going straight to the bathroom.   
  
Hoseok slept a lot recently. Sleeping was much better than thinking and his schedule was only going to be fuller towards the end of the month, giving him a lot more “me-time” than he needed and could handle after the disaster at the Amsterdam festival two weeks ago. He tried to persuade himself that it was all just a sick dream, but the memories were too damn real.   
  
“Here, my gorgeous baby was so nice to bring us christmas cookies. You might be qualified to eat one because you live here. You'll nut!” Changkyun chuckled and pointed at a huge plate that his beautiful girlfriend had brought but Hoseok almost vomited at the cinnamon smell that spread inside his nostrils.  
  
 _No, it wasn’t a dream and you’re fucking mental, Hoseok._   
  
He declined politely and went straight for the coffee machine, getting a double espresso to drown in the bitterness of coffee and life.   
  
“We need to talk, Hoseok.” Changkyun sounded serious and squeezed the girl’s small hand in his.   
  
What kind of drama was this? 

One Hoseok didn’t want to watch, that was clear. He took his cup and sat down across the counter to face his best friend and the red-haired lady with big eyes. The whole situation made him rather uncomfortable. He was not used to strange discussions while being forced to play the third wheel.   
  
“Shoot,” he said while taking a sip of the hot liquid, almost burning his mouth.   
  
“We’re going to live together. We found an apartment and are moving in in two weeks.” The other man looked over to his girlfriend and smiled warmly.   
  
Hoseok almost choked on his coffee. He couldn’t believe Changkyun would betray him like that.    


The other was dating for three months but Hoseok never thought he would want to move in with someone else besides him. They were best friends since he had come to Berlin. He couldn’t live alone. He never had and he didn’t want to start now. Furthermore, he kept sending money to his mom frequently and needed a person to share the rent with.   
  
“This is absolutely marvellous, but what about me?” He couldn’t help but sound bitter and hurt, which he really was, thinking back about all those times his best friend had needed help and comfort and Hoseok provided all of the above without blinking an eye.   
  
“You are a fucking asshole, Hoseok. Do you think I would’ve told you if I didn't have a solution ready?” The brown haired man looked a little pissed, although he had no fucking right to be after his Bro-Betrayal level 1000.  
  
“What solution? You want me to move in with you two?” He glanced over to Lena, whose eyes widened and she started shaking her head furiously.  
  
“No, you idiot. I found an apartment for you, in Kreuzberg. My friend is living there with another guy, but he’s moving out. The apartment is huge. It’s ground floor and the neighbours don’t give a shit. I already asked Jooheon. He gave me pics and a contract from the landlord if you’re interested. I’ll help you move.” The monologue ended and Changkyun started fumbling with his phone, searching for something. “Oh and it’s five minutes from our new apartment, so we can hang out often. Here, the pics if you’re interested.” He smiled and gave him the phone.  
  
Well amazing, he felt like a fucking pushover, being forced to move out and in with some guy he didn’t even know, only because his best friend wanted to be all cheesy, romantic and fuck in peace.  
  
“It looks amazing but I don’t even know the dude! What if I hate him?” Hoseok was shaken by the pictures, already sure where to put his grand piano and imagining being able to play without disturbance. “And I will play piano all the time, does the guy even know?” He glared at his best friend who was busy looking in love, like a fucking sap.  
  
“He doesn’t care. He’s always gone because of his job and wanted someone who he wouldn’t give a shit about and you’re the perfect flatmate. Going to party, fucking around and working. Do you know that it’s only 400€ because the landlord didn’t change the price for ten years?” The other smiled a nasty smile, knowing Hoseok would jump on that one.   
  
Yes. That was where he had him, money was always the best argument.   
  
“Okay. Where’s the contract? If you won’t help me move, I’ll chop your balls off and poor Lena would have to search for someone else. By the way, sweetheart, you should really reconsider. He’s not the best catch you know.” Hoseok grinned at the red-haired girl with green eyes. She was really beautiful and smart, Changkyun was lucky.   
  
Half excited and half offended at his best friend having the contract ready, he read everything thoroughly and signed. It was perfect. He could play whenever he wanted and it was close to the company and all the nightclubs, not being forced to take a cab and just walking home with a lady was reason enough to smile.   
  
“I still hate you. You better atone for your betrayal.” He grinned in Changkyun’s direction before leaning into Lena’s personal space. “Come to me if he annoys you.” Then he stood up and winked at the lady for more impact.  
  
“Fuck you, Hoseok,” the man screamed after him.  
  
He sat down on the edge of the bed and thought about all those times they had cried because of different things, had been frustrated, satisfied, devastated or happy, always there for each other, closer than family or friends could possibly be. Hoseok was a loner, true, but Changkyun was one of those people he could unconditionally open up to. It had become different after the other had started his relationship, forced to shift his resources to Lena’s advantage. He couldn’t understand but he also couldn’t complain. He felt sad, tears in the eyes sad. Mozart-Requiem sad.   
  
Lying down on the bed he thought back to the time he had come to Berlin, third day in a different country, not knowing where the university was and scared as fuck. The short, black-haired, asian guy had smiled at him and hadn’t been afraid to start the conversation, immediately telling him where he had to go and even escorting him to the university office. “Hi, I’m Kkung, do you by chance need a room? I need a flatmate,” he had said, like some kind of naive angel. He felt tears crawling up and forming in his eyes. He really loved Changkyun.  
  
Hoseok felt really sad that the friendship of five years had to change, but hoped his best friend had made the right choice at the same time.  
  
He deserved it.  
  
 _You can’t just stop him from being happy, only because you are not._  
  


  
***

 

It was a shit day. The weather was barely tolerable, a wall of water tumbling down on Hyungwon and his pathetic attempts at dressing according to the temperatures. His hoodie was completely soaked. Same with his backpack, jeans and sneakers although he had purposefully sprayed that magic ‘rain-repel’ shit that Minhyuk had talked about for a whole hour until Hyungwon finally agreed to buy some himself.

_ There is only so much a sneaker can take when you walk through a fucking lake, Hyungwon. _

The DJ had been glad to finally return to the city of his teenage dreams. Amsterdam had been enjoyable and lovely with its little houses and huge open windows and canals, but there was something about Berlin that had always drawn him in.

Not the weather obviously.

Berlin was just one of those cities that felt huge and ungraspable. As if you could never really see all of it, streets over streets undiscovered and little bars you had never stumbled upon before, popping up out of nowhere, surprising you over and over again. Hyungwon loved the impression of infinitude and openness that Berlin had. No one really cared about what you did and who you fucked as long as you didn’t commit a crime (and even then no one found out unless you stabbed someone).

He carried two packages of milk that Jooheon had begged him to buy, looking like a fucking hobo. The milk was covered in little drops of water, none of them passing through the plastic covering of the paper. Even the fucking milk did a better job at being weather-appropriate. 

His roommate had been barely awake after an all-nighter in which he attempted to finish some kind of essay that had been due end of last semester. Hyungwon had no idea how the rapper managed to get professors to give him extended deadlines he didn’t even use properly (still pushing everything until the last day just like everyone else), but he suspected it had something to do with very deep dimples and pretty eyes. Hell, even Hyungwon loved them, throwing innuendos at his roommate just to see him blush and show his dimples. He was cute and innocent. Hopefully he’d find an equally cute girl and they would be cute for each other until the end of time, munching on rainbows and shitting them back out for the world to see and envy.

The rain was running down his face and he felt unfairly treated, forced to run through piss weather just to buy milk for Jooheon’s cereal. Waking up this morning the rapper had hated him profoundly for composing without headphones. It hadn’t been his fault that his roommate hadn’t slept and decided that going to bed at noon was a good idea. Basically he had been thrown out and cursed until the end of time and for his next three generations.

Hyungwon highly doubted that there would be any generations to come, but he hadn’t wanted Jooheon to suffer from an epileptic seizure or heart attack at that point. He needed his roommate. If not for riling up and sharing pizza in the middle of the night then for paying half of the rent. (And he had stroked Hyungwon’s hair and helped him fall asleep by holding him tight when he had been devastated about that asshole that cheated on him one and a half years ago, but both of them didn’t really talk about that much.)

Arriving at the apartment, the DJ quickly slid the key in and ran up the one flight of stairs, freezing in his soaked clothes and hating absolutely everyone and everything. It reminded him of that time Blondie had pushed him under the cold shower, paralyzing his brain and evoking some of the nastiest insults he had ever thought in his life, wish to rip the other man to pieces scaring even himself.

He threw off the wet clothes and pushed them into a laundry basket, looking for something else to wear that was warm and cozy. Berlin smelled like unwashed dick when it rained, so drying would definitely not do the job. 

Hyungwon had bought chocolate-scented detergent and since then he washed his clothes much more often, loving how amazing everything smelled afterwards. 

When he had leaned on Wonho’s shoulder to relax into the music, he had been surprised by the chocolate aroma, considering it kinda gay for someone like him, even for Hyungwon’s standards, but now he completely fell in love with the scent.

It was amusing how Blondie had freaked out after the blowjob. Sure, there were quite a few people that had panicked after sexual encounters with Hyungwon (only the inexperienced and straight ones of course), but none of them had just popped out their eyeballs and fucked off like a scared, little bitch. The DJ didn’t mind per se, but it had been kinda weird, cleaning up all by himself and not even seeing some of the realization dawning on the other man’s face. It had been a little disappointing to say the least. He liked to see the effect his skills had on other people. Also afterwards when they became aware of what had happened and that they enjoyed every fucking second of it.

_ Well, he might be crying himself to sleep, missing your lips, Hyungwon. Who knows? _

He giggled and stomped into the kitchen, taking the two packages of milk along and throwing them on the table on top of Jooheon’s musical theory book.

“Fuck you, Hyungwon,” the other man commented and removed the wet package from his book. The problem was not quite obvious to the DJ as the book had a plastic cover itself and wouldn’t have suffered either way.

“I love you too, hun. How is the studying going? I thought you finished the essay?”

Jooheon stared at him, a little unsure, which was plain weird. Hyungwon was really sensitive to such changes in behaviour. Taking a kitchen chair and pulling it next to Jooheon he sat down, staring right back.

“There is a little thing I wanted to talk to you about.”

_ Well that already sounds fucking ecstatic. _

“Hit me.”

Jooheon slapped his arm and Hyungwon rolled his eyes, waiting for the actual answer.

“I’m kind of moving out.”

Hyungwon’s eyes widened immediately, grabbing Jooheon’s arms and staring at his face.

Shit, he must have fucked up real bad for Jooheon to move out. Just like that.

“Fuck, what did I do, Jooheon? I’m sorry! Maybe I can stop doing it or be more considerate? I even have your schedules printed out on my wall. I just didn’t know that essay was due, you didn’t tell me. Are you sure it’s worth moving out for?” His brain just popped out his thoughts one after the other, hoping that they would hit their mark and make Jooheon reconsider. In general Hyungwon could imagine why the rapper would prefer to live with someone else, but it still hurt a little to be abandoned like that. 

Even though Berlin was open minded, finding homophobic assholes was easy and Hyungwon had met his fair share of them. Enough to last him a lifetime. He really didn’t want to live with one.

Jooheon sighed and lifted a hand to Hyungwon’s hair, ruffling it up a little, something he did when Hyungwon spurted bullshit and he didn’t have the energy to refute all of it. 

“What then?” the DJ asked instead, genuinely curious.

“I just want to live alone at this point. You know that the music department had been moved last semester and it drives me mad that I need ages to get there. In addition I can’t fucking study because our schedules are so off.” Hyungwon was about to interrupt and point out the benefits of Jooheon’s rapping schedule, but the other man was faster. “I know, I know, when I rap it’s fine, but Hyungwon there is at least half a year that I have to study and get my shit together. It’s just hard. Especially when it’s my final year.”

_ What the hell can you say to that? He’s afraid of fucking up his career because it’s hard to coordinate with you. You have to let him go. _

It hurt a little, one of the strong pillars in Hyungwon’s life leaving him to stand on his own. At least that’s what it felt like, Jooheon moving away and being far enough to not see each other every day as they had for the past few years. Basically since Hyungwon had come to Berlin to study.

“Okay,” he answered and took out a beer from the fridge, opening it and taking a sip. “I won’t cry, but when you’re actually gone I might. I’ll just pretend that I didn’t because I’m manly and shit. You know, the usual.”

Jooheon laughed at that, hitting him on the back and taking a beer himself although it was still a tiny bit early for that. 

“I’m not disappearing from your life, you idiot. It’ll be awesome. You’ll get someone with a schedule that fits yours, never really seeing each other. Someone who also makes a lot of noise, but when you’re not there. Perfectly coordinating your lives and taking people home independently. Very similar behaviour. Wouldn’t that be amazing?” Jooheon elaborated full of enthusiasm, using his cute voice.

Something was off.

“And where the fuck would I find someone like that?”

“Tadaaaa, mother-fucking surprise,” Jooheon exclaimed and took the piece of paper he had been staring at when Hyungwon came in. Definitely not his university stuff then. Taking it into his hand the DJ focused on the writing.

_ A contract. A fucking contract. _

Massaging his temples he breathed in and out slowly, calming his temper. 

“Did you already decide when to move out and let some random person I don’t know sign the fucking contract, Jooheon?”

The nod was short but clear before the rapper moved towards the kitchen door slowly, ready to run to his room and close the door if necessary.

Hyungwon didn’t have the strength to run after him and choke him. It wouldn’t have helped. The contract had already been signed and he wasn’t the landlord to decide who lived there and who didn’t. Only the piece of shit that was about to move in could or Hyungwon would have to complain like a spoiled bitch, which he wasn’t going to do.

“Alright, tell me about him. Why did you decide everything without involving me?”

Jooheon’s explanation was ridiculously detailed. He had that other friend who wanted to move in with his girlfriend and his roommate would have to be alone in the apartment, but didn’t like it anyway so it was fucking perfect because Hyungwon and him could just move together and ignore each other’s presence happily ever after.

“He’s busy as fuck apparently and never there. Oh and he’ll bring a piano, but that’s fine right? The living room is huge.”

_ Piano? _

Hyungwon’s brain immediately supplied images of himself blowing a beautiful muscular man with the dick of his dreams on a piano stool, thighs firm and low moans engraved in his memory. Whoever the guy was he probably couldn’t play piano like Blondie did, intense enough to get Hyungwon horny as fuck in a few minutes without even trying much.

“As long as he doesn’t mind me taking it’s virginity.”

“What?” Jooheon was shocked again, cute eyes huge and mouth in an obvious ‘o’. Hyungwon wanted to give him a hug and pinch his cheek. 

“As long as he doesn’t mind me having sex on it.”

“He might…,” Jooheon replied and looked at the contract nervously, as if it would have a clause specifying that his property was not supposed to be confronted with any sexual fluids.

Having mercy Hyungwon laughed and pinched Jooheon’s cheek as he had wanted to. 

“Don’t worry, I was kidding. The piano is fine, whatever. Have you told him that I’m gay? That’s more important.”

Jooheon nodded quickly, smiling at him. 

“Yeah, that’s the first thing I told Changkyun. After all that matters a lot to you and I don’t want some dick judging you. Although-” Again the rapper looked strangely uncomfortable, gesturing with his hands but Hyungwon had no idea what it was supposed to mean.

“Although? What? He has a problem with one night stands or something?” Hyungwon went through his mental list of things people tended to dislike. Fucking around and homosexuality were usually high on the ‘I fucking hate that’ list.

“Oh no! Not at all. He’s the epitome of fucking around apparently, bringing girls home all the time. It’s more about your nightly, eh, habits. Your habits.”

Now that got Hyungwon’s attention. Jooheon wanted to tell him something uncomfortable, blushing like a fucking tomato and throwing his hands all over the place. Smirking like the sadistic dick he was, Hyungwon slid closer and placed a hand on his thigh. 

“What habits, hun?” he asked with a raised eyebrow, smirk remaining in place.

“Canyoupleasestopmoaningloudlyatnight,” the rapper squeezed through his lips all at once, barely understandable but enough to make Hyungwon grin even wider. For a rapper that had been some damn shitty diction.

“But you also masturbate. That’s a pretty demanding request, don’t you think?” he asked and crossed his legs, leaning a bit further away to give Jooheon space to breathe.

“Yes, but-” A deep breath. “I mean- I’m straight, but-” 

Hyungwon almost laughed at the words alone, sounding very similar to basically everybody who wanted to admit to something but didn’t feel ready to do so yet. It was cute. 

“When you moan everyone would get affected, you know? It’s loud as fuck, so maybe you should turn it down or something?”

Grinning the DJ nodded and took another sip of his beer, almost forgetting that he had it. 

“Nope,” he answered and blew Jooheon a hand kiss, standing up and putting the milk into the fridge. “He signed the contract without checking who the hell he is going to live with. He’ll have to see for himself whether he regrets his brainless decision-making or not.”

Jooheon just nodded again and took a sip in turn, looking a little more comfortable than he had at the beginning of the conversation.

“When does he move in and you out?”

Jooheon swallowed and stood up, yelling ‘in a week’ before he sprinted to his room and shut the door with a bang, much faster than Hyungwon would have been able to run, especially with his tendency to fall over for no fucking reason.

_ Well, that’s just plain lovely.  _

He had exactly one week to say goodbye to his roommate of several years and accept a random guy he had never met and who apparently had the intellect of a fly, signing a contract without even meeting the person he agreed to live with for the next year. To be honest he sounded kinda cool, not giving a shit and just going with the flow. Still, Hyungwon would have liked to know earlier. 

_ Fuck you, Lee Jooheon. _

Another glance at the contract told him that the new guy and him had at least one more thing in common. 

_ Welcome, Lee Hoseok.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It goes towards a roommate AU but there is so much more coming, look forward to it. It will be intense af, really.  
> Next Chapter on 10th of January at 4 PM CET. (It may or may not be racy)
> 
> We write one character each,  
> @Hichanchen writes Hyungwon (and Minhyuk+Jooheon) and  
> @Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok (and Kihyun+Changkyun)
> 
> Hit us up on Twitter  
> @Hichanchen  
> @Smut_Hemingway
> 
> We are extremely happy about every comment and every click. You are one of the major reasons we write. (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	6. 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Continue begging like that and you won’t need that box anymore, hun. Trust me.”

It was really fortunate. The deposit for his current apartment was given back immediately and he didn’t have to pay any for the new one. He also saw his room and the flat first hand, the super nice guy, Lee Jooheon, showing him around. After asking where his new flatmate was, Jooheon showed his dimples and said that the guy named Won was super busy and almost never there.    
  
_ Amazing. This is fucking amazing. Best flatmate ever.  _   
  
He asked for Won’s phone number, to coordinate the day of moving. He needed special transportation for the grand piano, people measuring the big windows of the old building and door frames to fit the instrument. Honestly speaking, it was the most expensive thing about the whole moving experience. Won wrote him a message saying that he would come home after the guys from the company finished everything and that they could drink a beer together after the whole mess was over. He really seemed to be a cool and easy going guy.    
  
When the D-Day came he couldn’t stop running after Changkyun and hugging him like a fucking koala, not being able to process the fact that they were moving out and wouldn’t be living together after five years. His best friend hugged back and whispered nice things in his ear, encouraging him, telling him everything was going to be okay, that he was only five minutes away and always there for him. 

Sure, it was true, but it was also true that he had a girlfriend now, one that he moved in with, one he had a serious relationship to and Hoseok didn’t plan on being the third wheel. It was the absolute worst. He just hoped he would get along with Won, his new flatmate and continue enjoying his, admittedly a little destructive, lifestyle.   
  
After feeling like a nervous wreck for the almost three hours the guys from the company needed to get his piano into the living room, he signed all the documents and was finally left alone in his new apartment. The big windows of the old building made it so much better, everything was covered in light, his black piano sparkling and reflecting the sun rays so beautifully. He breathed out and sat down in front of the keys although he should’ve started unpacking first.    
  
_ Fuck, you can do it later, Hoseok. Let’s inaugurate the apartment first. _   
  
He stroked the keys before placing his index finger over a white key and starting the piece. Somehow his hands wanted to play Liszt again in that kind of atmosphere, choosing the Piano Sonata in B minor, strong chords, a little heavy and oppressive, filling the acoustic space. 

He closed his eyes again when the chords had to be loud, the pace and strength of the notes consuming all his senses until he just lost himself once again, playing, flowing together with the melody, up then down again, becoming more gloomy and sad before throwing everything away and starting from zero, creating tension and excitement.

It was a perfect reflection of his inner world, devastated and scared, but also excited for what was going to come, his emotions becoming much more accessible with every move of his fingers, every sound evoking and describing more of what was happening inside of him. Music was always there to help when he needed it the most. 

“Hey, you must be, Hoseok. How come you haven't unpacked yet?” a husky low voice asked behind him, light suddenly turning on in the living room and illuminating the keys, barely visible a few seconds ago. “Shit, that's a lot of boxes.”   
  
He must’ve spaced out for a whole hour or something, considering the darkness outside. The light was so sudden that he turned around, holding a hand in front of his eyes and trying to identify the figure.    
  
“Hi, I’m Lee Hoseok, nice to meet you. Sorry, I kind of spaced out.” He chuckled and looked up, eyes slowly accommodating to the really bright living room lamp. 

His new flatmate was standing in the door frame, frozen in place and staring in his direction. The longer Hoseok waited the more his facial features became distinct, large, brown eyes and plump lips taking up all of the space, tickling memories out of their hiding place he didn’t want to have in his consciousness. 

“No-fucking-way,” the other man muttered in shock.    
  
Hoseok felt like choking, his brain couldn’t make sense of why Chae Hyungwon was standing in the doorframe of his new apartment. 

Why wasn’t it death? Taking him along? He would’ve been so fucking fine with that.    
  
_ Why is he here, Hoseok? Are you hallucinating again? You should’ve eaten you fucking idiot.  _   
  
“Why are you here?” he whispered, not able to move as if paralyzed, hands clenched into fists. 

Chae Hyungwon got his shit together quickly, clicking his tongue in distaste and pushing one of Hoseok’s boxes to the side with his foot.    
  
“I fucking live here, Blondie,” he replied and slipped out of his sneakers, placing them on the shoe rack although all other shoes in the hallway were everywhere but there.   
  
_ No. _

How was that even possible? How much did one have to fuck up for the world to turn such that space fucked time and he ended up in Chae Hyungwon’s apartment.    
  
He buried his head between his knees, breathing in and out while trying to process the whole fucking situation. He never thought about that, but he would’ve been okay with something like that before they had gone to Amsterdam. Before the guy had ended up between his legs and Hoseok turned one hundred percent gay for twenty minutes like a mental person. Shit. It was one thing to live with someone you didn’t like, but it was another to live with someone you didn’t like but made out with and who had also sucked your fucking dick.    
  
“Oh god, why? There are 3,5 million people in Berlin. Why me?” Hoseok whined into his palms as if that would’ve saved the situation. Nothing could’ve saved it.    
  
_ You can’t even run away, Hoseok, it’s your home now. _

“Chill the fuck out, Bl-” The DJ paused audibly, breathing out and growling in annoyance. “Hoseok, right? Do you want a beer? I fucking need one.”

He stomped off to the kitchen, opening the fridge so harshly that Hoseok could hear it resonating throughout the apartment. 

“What are your contract regulations for fucking all of it and moving back out?” he asked, glass clinking in the background. “I fucking hate Germany already and you haven’t even answered yet.”   
  
“One year. It’s a one year contract,” Hoseok mumbled to himself, not believing that he was forced through this. Life must’ve hated him, god must’ve hated him, like the whole paradigm of time and space must’ve hated his whole fucking existence to make him go through this nightmare. 

“I meant the regulations for breaking the contract, you idiot. Every contract in this house is for a year.” Hyungwon opened the two beers cunningly and pushed one into Hoseok’s hand before taking a large gulp of his own. “I was hoping that German bureaucracy got its dick stuck in a fucking fence for once and doesn’t force me to deal with this for a whole year.”   
  
“Argh, I can’t move out for a year. Shit, maybe I should just die on the spot.” He took the beer and gulped half of it down, expression still blank and not feeling anything besides injustice against his person. “Changkyun and Jooheon said you’re nice, those fucking liars,” he muttered after taking another sip and placing one hand over his eyes, not wanting to look at the black-haired pest.    


“I can be so fucking nice you can’t even imagine the extent, sweetheart. You should know better by now, with the little taste you got, shouldn’t you?” The DJ emptied his beer and threw the glass bottle into a plastic bag hanging on the doorknob.   
  
_ No. Hoseok, it’s not even three minutes that you saw him and he already has you by the dick. _   
  
“Unpack your fucking boxes so I can walk around without breaking my neck.”   
  
He should’ve broken his neck. It would’ve been amazing, every problem would’ve been solved so easily.    
  
“I don’t want to. Would be nice if you would break your neck. Let’s wait and see what happens,” Hoseok breathed out, standing up from the piano chair and going towards the kitchen to get a glass of water. 

“Fuck you, Lee Hoseok. I hope you’ll choke on a dick,” the DJ remarked and threw the door of his room shut, disappearing for good. Unfortunately the peace didn’t stay for long as he walked right back out, grabbed something from the hallway and smirked at Hoseok, blowing him a hand kiss and disappeared again.   
  
Hoseok drank the water in seconds and searched for the box with his bed linings. Good thing that he tagged all of them.    
  
_ You should get casual with the word dick. The pest isn’t familiar with other words apparently.  _ _   
_ __   
Why would he choke on a dick when the other was the one who- He almost slapped himself at the thought, banning it to somewhere far away. The further the better.    
  
He brushed his teeth furiously and got ready for bed, after putting fresh sheets and a new blanket on the bed. His furniture looked so empty. He would have to unpack everything tomorrow, silently hoping that the nasty person in the room next to him would choke in his sleep or something.

Closing his eyes he tried to sink into the silence, only his mind providing music for him to drown in and fall into the depths of sleep. The new apartment was not the biggest problem, the other inhabitant on the other hand was.    
  
_ What are you going to do now, Hoseok? Just try not to see him. Try to keep the interactions minimal, he’s probably the same. You both want the same thing.  _

The sudden gasps permeating through the wall and filling his head replaced his thoughts, rhythm unclear and loud enough to know exactly where they were coming from. The voice was low, undoubtedly male and enjoying itself, gasps transitioning smoothly into moans, powerful and clear despite the distance between their rooms.    
  
Oh no, he wasn't. 

Hoseok couldn’t believe it. Was the other trying to make fun of him? But that was not a very good strategy and it sounded way too sexual.    
  
_ Fuck, Hoseok, what are you going to do about this? _   
  
_ Just let him moan, it will be over eventually. _

Hoseok tried to associate some chords to the low moaning voice but the rhythm was too irregular. The listening was not a good idea. A very, very bad idea. The voice sent shivers through his body, so obviously sexual, no doubt left after a couple of minutes.    
  
_ He jerks off while you’re lying here. Is that some kind of mediaeval torture style? _ _   
_ __   
Headphones. He needed headphones. Those bose noise cancelling ones he wore when he wanted to enjoy classical music on max volume, but they were in one of the boxes. He felt his heartbeat pumping through his naked chest. 

Words passed through the wall, loud and clear enough to differentiate instead of the undefined hisses and moans. Obvious curses, interrupted by something that must have felt good enough to groan. The words ‘fuck’ and ‘god’ were easy to identify, gasped repeatedly, before they calmed down a little. Hoseok was almost convinced it was over when it began again, as if the other man had paused purposefully.

_ Go get your fucking headphones, Hoseok. Now.  _   
  
He stood up and almost slipped on the floor, realizing that he had a fucking boner. What the actual fuck, why was his body repeatedly betraying him like this? He didn’t like it and he didn’t want it. He wanted to sleep for god’s sake and not rock a boner from listening to the devil jerking off.    
  
Fuck. He desperately needed a woman. He had to go out to bring some but it would’ve been too stupid, clubs not really full on a wednesday night and it was his first fucking night. What kind of hospitality was that? 

That black fucking pest.    
  
He sat on the ground, trying to get his shit together while thinking about disgusting things and making the fatal mistake of recollecting their encounter in Amsterdam, brain and rationality absolutely sure that it should’ve been disgusting enough. It wasn't at all. 

Well, fuck.   


Another desperate ‘fuck’ and ‘oh my god’ reached his ears, succeeded by more moans and loud gasps. Was the fucker teasing himself or something? Who jerked off for over 10 minutes?   
  
Hoseok couldn’t take it anymore, walking over to the wall and hitting against it with his fist.    
  
“Shut the fuck up, Chae Hyungwon, why are you like this?” He used his low loud voice, which he normally used to intimidate people who didn’t know him. 

The moans stopped, blissful silence sounding for a few seconds before the devil on the other side of the wall replied, voice obviously strained and lower than his usual timbre.

“Fuck you and let me get off in peace, Hoseok. Jerk off if it disturbs you and leave me alone.”  
  
Fuck, he just wanted to sleep. How was the dude even able to jerk off while some other guy was listening in the room next to him? Was that some kind of kinky shit he didn’t know about? He looked down between his legs.  
  
 _No. You won’t jerk off while you can hear him moan, no fucking way, Hoseok._   
  
Yes, he had a boner, he was hard as fuck but he stood up and walked out of his room in boxer shorts, shutting the door and going to the boxes, desperately searching for the one that said ‘Music Stuff’. He needed those headphones, for his dignity and his sleep and everything that mattered in his life. Those headphones would save him from the suffering, he was sure.   
  
Going through all of them he couldn’t find that particular one, moans from the door even worse, as if the fucker was groaning into his fucking ear.  
  
Fuck.  
  
 _Shit, they must’ve put it into his room. No, fuck no. Please, god, no._ _  
_ _  
_Counting the boxes stacked over each other he literally missed one. This fucking one. His hands clenched to fists and he felt like walking on a thin rope over a huge void.  
  
 _Enough is enough, just get the box. You need this fucking box, Hoseok._ _  
_ __  
He went to the door and knocked three times.  
  
“Listen, you have a box of mine. It says ‘music stuff’ on it. Can you bring that out for me? I need it. NOW.” He groaned the last word, not able to control his voice anymore.   
  
The moans stopped again, some shuffling happening behind the door. 

“Are you fucking kidding me, Blondie? Just let me come for fuck’s sake. You’re worse than my own fucking fingers.”   
  
Blank. He felt absolutely blank at so many things to perceive without disinfecting his ears. He was so hard that it hurt and the only thing that could save him were the headphones and he was going to get them.    
  
“You have two possibilities, you give me my box so I can put my noise cancelling friend over my ears, or I’m going in and getting it myself. I don’t fucking care what…” He breathed out trying not to think about all those things the low voice groaned at him. “What you are doing there and how and with what tool. Just get me the box or I’m coming in.” He just silently hoped that the other would throw the box out of the room, sparing him and his almost naked self with a fucking boner.    


He heard a hiss and steps, walking towards the door. Hope at an easy solution to the problem spread through him until he heard the very distinct turning of a key, steps disappearing as quickly as they appeared. 

“Fuck yourself.”   
  
Hoseok wanted to choke him. For real. He had never been so violent in his thoughts towards someone else. He couldn’t believe the other would just lock the fucking door.    
  
_ Never mess with mental people, Hoseok, did you forget? _   
  
“Fuck. Please, please give it to me. I need it really badly.” There was no way he could suffer through this without absolute silence and music around his ears. Begging whatever, he could do that, the asshole should’ve just given him the stuff he needed. 

Again silence filled his ears. Then a heavy gasp. 

“Continue begging like that and you won’t need that box anymore, hun. Trust me.”   
  
What? Why wouldn’t he need the box? Of course he needed it, more than fucking food or drink.    
  
“What do you want? What do you want me to do? Just please, please just give it to me, Hyungwon!” Hoseok’s skin was burning and his insides ate up his rationality. He felt so devastated but horny that it didn’t make any sense. Why was the guy such an asshole to him? He didn’t fucking do anything to be treated like that. 

“Hoseok, I want to come and as soon as I have I will give you every fucking thing you want just give me a fucking break, okay?” the low voice answered through the door, breathless and strained, much more than it had been after Hyungwon had sucked him off in the prep room.   
  
Fuck. He made him suffer much more than Hoseok was willing to admit.    
  
Oh he wanted to come? He wouldn’t let him then.    
  
“No, you won’t fucking come, Hyungwon. You’re giving me a hard time while having fun by yourself, you think I’ll let you? Fuck you,” he groaned, mouth at the door crack to make the other hear every fucking word.    


“You want to join or what?”   
  
_ What? Join? What? _   
  
“You’re mental and you know it. You’re enjoying torturing me but fucking wait until I’m done with you. You will fucking regret it. I should’ve just broken the door instead of knocking,” he hissed, angry and not knowing what to do with himself. 

The man behind the door apparently ignored him because Hoseok only received sensual moans as an answer, breathing obviously difficult for him with the way he panted and cursed.   
  
“No, you fucking won’t! You, fuck you, Hyungwon, just fuck you. Asshole.” He walked over to the piano and sat down. The only thing that he came up with in his fucking state was the same thing he had played in Amsterdam, but he couldn’t care less. More chords, less moans to suffer from, simple as that.    
  
He started playing. It was ridiculous because he was wearing boxer shorts and had a boner, but music was music and it had the effect of calming him down. He closed his eyes and the moans mixed into the music, as if they were supposed to be there. Fuck, Hoseok felt like crying out of inhuman desperation at the whole thing. Why was he the one suffering? How could he make the other suffer as well? He had no fucking idea. He just played an accompaniment for Hyungwon’s jerk off session and it made him so unbelievably angry. So angry that he didn't even realize the moans had finally stopped.   
  
“What the actual fuck do you think you’re doing, Lee Hoseok?” the low voice whispered from right beside him, Hyungwon standing next to his piano in a bathrobe, eyes gigantic and blush covering his face. His lips were almost blood red as if he had been chewing them subconsciously.   
  
_ Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, double, triple fuck. Why didn’t you think about what you were going to do after he comes out? _   
  
Hoseok wanted to die. Like on the spot, the fast painless type of dying. He sat at his piano instead. In boxer shorts, basically naked with a fucking boner. He couldn’t even stand up without embarrassing himself.

Fuck.   
  
His eyes widened at the realization of what the hell was happening and he couldn’t remove his gaze from Hyungwon’s face for like ten seconds before bowing his head down and staring at the keys, breathing heavily at the sight from before. 

_Oh god, why?_  
  
“Nothing, go back,” he whispered before biting down on his lower lip.   
  
“You didn’t let me orgasm, Lee Hoseok. Take fucking responsibility,” Hyungwon whispered back, dangerously close to his face, fingers finding his jaw and turning his head towards him, brown eyes only a few centimeters away from his own and only partially illuminated, darkness surrounding them.  
  
What responsibility? Why was he like this to him?   
  
_You are caught again. At the fucking piano. Like the last time._   
  
He didn’t understand why his hands didn’t push him away. Or why he didn’t go to the bathroom to wait until it was over, or got dressed and went out. It would’ve been so easy. Why did he keep making those irrational, stupid decisions?  
  
 _Why, Hoseok?_  
  
The other man bit his plump lower lip, staring at Hoseok and exhaling slowly through his nose, breath tickling Hoseok’s chin. He nibbled on his own lip, hands clenching into fist on his naked thighs, the tension eating him up, crawling up to him, circling around and seeping through his skin. He tried to suck in air but the pathetic attempt left only a hiss in the dark room. 

“Three,” Hyungwon whispered, breathing through his mouth instead of his nose and parting his lips slightly.

“Two,” he added after a few seconds, licking over his lower lip and glancing to the ground before focusing on Hoseok’s eyes again, fingers still holding his jaw in place.  
  
It felt like the couple of seconds the maestro counted back, before he swung the baton and the orchestra started playing. Meaningful look in his eyes and the control over all those instruments, hand already raised, those strings only able to play when he gave the signal to.    
  
Hoseok wanted to hear it.    
  
“One.”

A few more seconds passed before lips pressed on his, hand moving into the blonde strands of his hair, fingers stroking along his nape upwards, grabbing a handful. The other man didn’t hesitate before fluently sliding onto his lap, long legs settling on both sides of his hips. Arms circled around his neck and pressed him closer, some of the naked skin uncovered by the bathrobe burning against Hoseok’s chest.  
  
The music was there again. He felt the chords burning up his veins, sounds tingling along his skin and pace decided by the soft lips on his. His mind was flooded by one word.  
  
 _More._   
  


  
***

  
  


Hyungwon was furious. Absolutely furious. Not only had Jooheon lied to him about getting a nice roommate he would get along with but the little piece of shit had also forgotten to tell him that it was that one guy he kind of hated. The one who had insulted his relationship to music and fucking pretended to be friendly, bringing alcohol and drinking with him, just to convince a reporter that they got a long. A reporter that had later on asked him about their relationship since she came to their room at 9PM as Hoseok fucking requested but none of them was there.

Because the piece of shit had wanted to show her that they hung out. 

But Hyungwon had forced the other man out of his hotel room to listen to him play and to suck his soul out of his body through his dick. All the while oblivious to the fact that Wonho had wanted to cheat him and pretend they were friends even, without playing for him

_ Maybe because he completely loses his shit and apparently lets dudes blow his dick when he plays, Hyungwon? _

He didn’t care. He had been pissed when he found out and living with the manipulative asshole hadn’t been on his wishlist. Jooheon hadn’t even let him decide any fucking thing, just showing him the finished contract and forcing him to deal with everything it would bring. Now he had to see the hot piece of shit everyday, feel sexually affected and hate him at the same time.

_ Lovely. Fucking lovely. _

He was ecstatic. So fucking ecstatic that his brain told him that reminiscing about how it was to blow the other man was a good idea. Little hint, it wasn’t. It was a dumb idea. One he pushed to the back of his head until he realized its benefits.   


_ Jooheon said he was affected by it because you’re so loud. Just rile him up, Hyungwon. Fuck him up. _

So he did. Getting comfortable on the bed after slipping out of his clothes, he started out really slowly, just stroking his chest and thighs, not even touching his dick. Gasping quietly at the images that filled his head, strong arms moving along his body and stroking all the right places, fingers curling around his erection slowly and giving it a few strokes before letting go again and squeezing the muscles of his thighs, rubbing over a nipple.

Moaning he grabbed the lube from his night table, in the mood for more than just simple strokes on his dick. Blondie was going to get the whole vocal program, hear every fucking sound until Hyungwon felt like he was going to pass out from the restrain, body screaming for release and nothing else.

It would have been so easy, just closing his eyes and enjoying the feeling of his long fingers inside of him, sliding in and out repeatedly, had that little shit not decided to bang against the fucking wall, annoying him and adding up to the whole thing by requesting some box.

_ What fucking box? _

Hyungwon didn’t give a shit about any box and the only thing that occupied his mind was the pleasure that kept moving back inside of him, fading away with every disturbance.   
  
“Fuck. Please, please give it to me, I need it really badly,” the personified sin begged behind his door, voice desperate and so fucking hot. Hyungwon wanted to hear him whisper it in his ear, yearning for his body instead of a stupid box.

He tried to imagine it, Hoseok under him, holding onto his waist, begging him to speed up, to let him feel him. Hyungwon raising his hips slowly, torturing him with the proximity but lack of friction.

_ Holy fuck. _

“What do you want? What do you want me to do? Just please, please just give it to me, Hyungwon!”

The words were sexy but the fucking interruptions caught him off guard, throwing him off his rhythm and wish to concentrate on the dirty talk instead of what the other man actually requested. He decided to be honest and told him to fucking let him come already, instead of bringing him down from his high. Hyungwon didn’t even care anymore whether he pissed the other off, he just wanted to nut and go to bed for fuck’s sake.

No matter what Hyungwon did, offering him to join, ignoring his antics, nothing fucking worked. The other man kept throwing him off, desperately wanting that fucking box for whatever reason. Hyungwon had been just about to give up and beat the shit out of him when piano notes filled the air, loud and resonating through the whole apartment, acoustics amazing for the instrument. Hyungwon wanted to sigh in relief and continue his desperate attempts at chasing his orgasm when he realized a very important fact.

_ You might be able to get much more out of this than your own fingers, Hyungwon. Hoseok might hate you but he didn’t die seeing you again. So he must have dealt with getting a blowjob just fine, possibly capable of surviving something similar. Piano made him vulnerable, didn’t it? _

He felt like an asshole but couldn’t help it, grabbing a tissue from the nightstand and wiping his fingers before throwing on a bathrobe quickly and leaving the room.

His mind was too pleasure-crazed to be considerate. 

Hoseok was fucking beautiful as usual, sitting at the piano in trunks only, most of his muscular thighs uncovered and chest sculpted like a greek statue, every flexing muscle visible as his fingers moved over the keys, producing the same sounds Hyungwon had heard him evoke before. It was the same piece he had played in Amsterdam.

Fuck, Hyungwon wanted him. All of him.

_ Just get therapy by Minhyuk later and act, Hyungwon. _

Stepping next to the piano, he interrupted the beautiful man, asking him what the fuck he was doing although Hyungwon knew fucking well what he had been doing. Dealing with his erection and desperation by playing piano and blocking out Hyungwon’s voice. Apparently it hadn’t been successful. The gaze that met his was intense, eyes wide and staring at his face as if it was an ethereal being, time passing without Hoseok looking away.

Hyungwon was just about to say something when the blonde did, looking at his hands instead, still resting on the piano keys, biting his lips and telling him that it was nothing.

_ You’re not getting out of this that easily, Lee Hoseok. _

It wasn’t nothing and Hyungwon could tell. It was so easy, he just grabbed the other man’s chin and turned his face towards himself, gazing into those deep eyes and blaming him for his inability to chase release. The tension in the air was suffocating, hands tingling from the effort to keep them off Hoseok, fingers that were grasping his face yearned to touch more skin. 

Hyungwon waited. He needed to know if his body was playing tricks on him and time had stopped. He counted a few seconds in his head but nothing happened. The other man just released a confined hiss, impossibly affected by the proximity.

_ Give him three seconds and that’s it, Hyungwon. _

He began counting aloud, whispering the seconds against Hoseok’s face, waiting for resistance which didn’t come. Fighting his own desire he continued counting, biting his lip, licking over them to get the moisture back that he kept lacking, feeling like only the other’s lips could give him what he desired.

“One,” he finally breathed out, voice low and relief rushing through him, knowing there wasn’t much stopping him, only a second before he crushed his lips onto Hoseok’s. His hand immediately moved along the naked back upwards, tugging at the blonde strands and sliding onto the other man’s lap, desperate to feel more skin. He wished he hadn’t worn a bathrobe, but then he might not have been where he was now, kissing an impossibly beautiful man and feeling the heat of his chest against his skin.   
  
The blonde kissed back, so devastated and desperate, it was amazing. Hands curled around his waist, pressing him closer as if they were doing it since forever, almost familiar. Hyungwon visibly melted at the strength he could feel in the other man’s arms. He loved it. He loved it so much that he moaned into Hoseok’s mouth and didn’t give a shit, loving the fact that piano chairs had no fucking backrest and he could curl his legs further around the other man’s waist. Not restraining his voice, he licked and groaned into the other’s mouth.   
  
“More,” the low voice whispered and he wouldn’t have heard it, hadn't it been right next to his earlobe. Hands stroking up and down his back and tried to push him closer. 

Shit, that’s not what he had expected. He had known that Hoseok would be out of it and wished for release, but he hadn’t expected verbal confirmation, fueling his fantasies and making it so difficult to not just let the other man fuck him on the damn piano stool.

“Hoseok, will you let me undress, babe?” Hyungwon whispered into his ear, hand smoothly sliding down his naked chest, every little dip and path sending spikes through his body. He wanted to feel more. He had never thought the other man would be relatable. Shit, he wanted to sit naked on his fucking thighs and feel everything.   
  
Hoseok was breathing heavily with his eyes and mouth half open, hands sliding smoothly to Hyungwon’s thighs.    
  
“I don’t know. Show me. Show me more,” the man breathed out while looking up and catching his gaze. 

It was intense. Had Hyungwon judged by the facial expression he would have concluded that Hoseok was perfectly aware of what he was doing, seeing Hyungwon and not an undefined image of his choice, but the words were so unspecific. He could have been talking about anything.

He licked over the other man’s mouth and let his hand pull the string open, bathrobe loosening around his waist and opening. Letting it slide over his shoulders and to the ground he slid his arms back around the other man and closed the distance, bodies flushed and tongues intertwined. Hyungwon loved every second of it, body screaming for release, paralyzing pleasure constantly soaring through him.   
  
“Oh my god.” The low groan at the proximity caressed his ear, melting into each other’s naked skin as Hoseok placed his hands on his back again. Hesitant but exploring, he stroked the burning surface tenderly. Hyungwon wanted to feel those hands everywhere, grip strong and he wanted it to be determined so badly. Just grabbing without care, not handling him like a doll.

His body screamed and he gave in, kissing Hoseok senseless and dipping his right hand into the other man's boxers, clasping his erection firmly and squeezing the shaft once, remembering how it had felt in his hand the first time, thick and beautifully veined. Hyungwon wanted it inside him, no matter how.

_ But first you’ll be nice to yourself. _

Pulling the boxers out of the way he curled his hand around both erections, hissing into Hoseok’s mouth and digging his nails into the other man’s shoulder subconsciously. He had always been fucking expressive with his pleasure. Hoseok would be lucky if there were no marks when they were done.    
  
The man hissed a breath before releasing a low groan against the skin of his neck, teeth sinking into it, first softly and then rougher and fingers digging into the skin of his sides. 

Shit, Hyungwon loved it.

“You’re angry at me aren’t you, Hoseok?” he gasped into the other man’s hair, stroking over both of them and losing his senses at the pleasure, dancing along the edge, taking its toll on him. He grabbed the singer’s blond strands with his free hand and pressed him further to the skin of his neck, moaning at the sensation. “Show me how angry you are, babe. Fuck me up.”   
  
A hand went up his back, slowly, approaching his hair and grabbed it tightly, throwing his head back before he felt pain shooting through his system, the other man sinking his teeth into his shoulder, behind his earlobe, licking over it and groaning. The other hand pressed his lower back further into the other man’s hips, intuitively thrusting up. 

Hyungwon could have come just from that, just from the short stab of pain in his skin and the strength with which the other man held him close. Fuck, he hadn’t been prepared for this. Hoseok was such a good boy, giving him everything he asked for. He wanted to keep him forever.

But his body was going to give out soon and Hoseok was nowhere near climax yet so he let go of both of them, mentally cursing at himself before turning Hoseok’s head towards him to kiss him again, biting his lower lip and scratching over his back.

“You’re so good to me, Hoseok,” he whispered against the pianist’s lips, licking over them during breaks, moaning into the other’s face. “Will you be even better for me, babe?”   
  
“Fuck. What…,” Hoseok moaned while having trouble breathing properly. “What do you want me to do?” he completed the question after a couple of seconds. 

Hyungwon smiled against the other man’s lips, loving the incoherence and desperation dripping into the air from the words. Just what he loved and lived for.

“Fuck my mouth, babe. Just be rough, pull my hair,” he moaned and slid back on his lap, waiting for Hoseok’s response, watching his expression and biting his lip.   
  
The blonde stood up, looking shy and a little hesitant and walked over to the side of the black piano, leaning against it and observing Hyungwon. It was a sight to behold and he wanted to tattoo it on his iris for future reference, wish to corrupt even stronger than last time.   
  
“Show me what you want,” Hoseok whispered while looking so strangely affected.

There went Hyungwon’s straight boy corruption fantasy, shyness so real and ready to be taken from Hoseok just like the hesitation. Just everything paired with a fucking piano.

Hyungwon dropped to the floor easily and crawled over to him, keeping his smirk because he had no intention to pretend to be something he wasn’t anymore. Innocence wasn't his area of expertise. Grinning, he stopped right in front of the blonde, sitting back on his calves and taking Hoseok’s hand, curling it into his hair. Then he opened his mouth, tongue flat.

“Lead me where you want me, babe.”   
  
Hoseok gulped audibly, repeatedly, Adam’s apple moving up and down, before strong fingers tightened in his hair and the blonde man walked the remaining centimeters towards him, sliding into his mouth smoothly. Hyungwon couldn’t hold back and immediately moaned at the sensation, relaxing his jaw and holding his breath.    
  
“Oh god.” The pianist moved out a little and slid in again, keeping his head in place with an iron grip. He sucked in air and released it after a few seconds, along with his movements. 

Hyungwon placed his palms flat on Hoseok’s hips, pushing him out of his mouth to be able to talk. Staring up at the beautiful man he smiled briefly for reassurance. 

“Listen up, babe. Don’t you dare hold back on me, hear me? I like it, so give it your best shot.”

He liked it rough and wasn't weak either despite the way he looked. Sometimes he had to tell his partners for some reason, reminding them that he was the one who wanted it in the first place. Satisfied with the blissed out face of the other man he opened his mouth again and placed his hands on his lap, letting Hoseok take over.   
  
The man stared down at him for a couple of seconds, mouth slightly open and looking a little vulnerable, before he grabbed a fistful of his hair and pushed himself in while closing his eyes. He slid in and out smoothly, picking up a faster pace, the low groans getting louder and movements rougher. Hyungwon could feel electricity-like shocks speeding through his legs and centering in his groin, affected by the way the other man handled him, unable to suppress his moans despite needing to hold his breath. Tears prickled in his eyes, gagging reflex saying hi, but he couldn’t care less and just focused on the sensation and the expression on the other man’s face, every groan going right to his neglected dick. Shit, he wanted Hoseok to fuck him like that.   
  
But first he wanted to come himself.

He placed his palms flat against Hoseok’s hips again, pausing his movements and sucking along the length before letting it fall out of his mouth.

“Hoseok, will you do something for me?” he asked carefully, hands caressing the other man’s firm thighs and remaining on the ground, staring up.   
  
“Tell me,” the blonde groaned, trying to catch his breath in vain.

“I need you to touch me, so fucking bad. I can’t wait. Give me your hands,” he moaned against the glistening skin and pulled himself up, holding onto Hoseok’s thigh, nails leaving marks and body melting into the other man’s arms. Hoseok complied without any hesitation, whispering ‘show me how’ under his strained breath before going directly for his lips surprisingly. 

_ What are you waiting for, Hyungwon? Fucking show him, so he can make you moan his name. _

Kissing back with as much vigor as he was blessed with himself, Hyungwon took Hoseok’s hand in his and let it slide along his shoulders and chest, caressing his waist briefly before reaching between his legs. 

“Curl your hand around it just like you do with yourself, babe, more pressure on the area around the tip, hand tight,” he gasped into Hoseok’s mouth, brain furiously formulating to make sense and get what he wanted.   
  
Hoseok’s eyes became huge when he curled his fingers around his dick, looking lost and a little out of it, before the gaze focused on his face and the beautiful blonde caught his lower lip with his teeth, licking into his mouth, while his hand started moving around him, applying pressure. 

“Yes, Hoseok. Just like that, fuck,” Hyungwon moaned into the other’s mouth, thrusting into his hand and closing his eyes in bliss, finally getting the touch he had been seeking for what felt like a century. “Rub over the area where shaft meets head, babe.”

Hyungwon shamelessly let Hoseok hold most of his weight and regretted absolutely nothing, leaning into the other’s body and just remaining in his arms.   
  
The fingers explored on their own while the owner was busy abusing Hyungwon’s jaw, lips and neck, obviously encouraged by the reaction.

“You’re so good to me, babe, damn,” he groaned and closed his eyes, focusing on the sensations, body dangerously close to the edge of release. “Give it to me, Hoseok.”   
  
“You make me go nuts,” the low voice breathed into his ear before teeth went for his lip again, sucking and licking on it, fingers pressing and moving exactly the way Hyungwon needed them. 

He imagine the things they would be able to do inside of him with a little bit of instruction. The image was so potent that his body burned up and waves of pleasure pulled him under, screaming Hoseok’s name against his lips and falling completely into the other man’s arms. Letting him bear the weight and not giving a shit, he kissed the beautiful mouth, recovering from the blackout in his brain. Hoseok held him up, as if it was part of the whole thing, breathing harshly into his mouth while moving his tongue along. 

Brain turning back on Hyungwon wanted to slap himself for beginning sexual encounters without placing tissues anywhere close. The piano had not been his object of choice despite his newly found affection towards it. Kissing Hoseok’s lips, he placed his index finger on top of them, getting the other man’s attention.

“Psst, give me a second and wait here without moving, got me, babe?” he whispered and stared intently.    
  
“Come back, it stops when you’re not there.” Hoseok must’ve been really out of it, muttering strange stuff out of nowhere, making no sense whatsoever. Maybe he was talking about pleasure, but Hyungwon hadn’t been doing anything at that point.

Slipping into the kitchen quickly, he grabbed a few tissues and returned in a matter of seconds, cleaning up himself and Hoseok’s hand, shamelessly licking over it for effect.

“Feeling good?” he asked with a smile, licking the last bit on Hoseok’s thumb and letting go.   
  
The other just stared at him, eyes huge and not understanding what was going on. It was hilarious and fucking adorable. Hyungwon decided to not torture the poor soul any further, sinking back to his knees and licking a stripe from the base to the tip before sucking his way down the length. Listening to the moans he used his hand for what he couldn’t reach, making quick work of Hoseok and deep-throating what he could, left hand massaging the other’s balls and waiting for the right sign that he was close.   
  
He didn’t have to wait for long as the blonde almost lost balance, the piano providing sufficient leaning-on opportunity and groaning in his low husky voice, cursing and swearing. Increasing his efforts, Hyungwon paired his special treatment of the head with his favourite pressure point, basking in the way the other man’s body convulsed and he orgasmed, low moan gracing Hyungwon’s ears. Just like last the last time, Hoseok was fucking beautiful when he came.

_ Just hope that this time he won’t get dressed and run like a little bitch _ .

_ He can’t. He lives with you, Hyungwon. Where would he go? _

Hyungwon licked over the corner of his mouth, catching what passed his lips in his effort to swallow everything and placed a kiss against the tip of Hoseok’s dick before standing up and tugging him back into his boxers. Grabbing his bathrobe next to the piano stool he threw it over loosely and sat down, waiting for Hoseok to snap out of his daze.   
  
_ Well, let’s see what we get this time. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit will go down. Definitely. Prepare for another possibly racy chapter. It will be intense.  
> Next Update on January 12th at 4 PM CET. 
> 
> We write one character each,  
> @Hichanchen writes Hyungwon (and Minhyuk+Jooheon) and  
> @Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok (and Kihyun+Changkyun)
> 
> Hit us up on Twitter  
> @Hichanchen  
> @Smut_Hemingway
> 
> We are extremely happy about every comment and every click. You are one of the major reasons we write. (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	7. 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m going to fuck you up so bad, you won’t be able to want anything else.”

The music was overwhelming, loud, clear and much more intense than the first time. It wasn’t Liszt. It was dense and elastic, sending rough impulses through his body and fueling up the burning fire. Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto No. 3 in D minor, Op. 30 to be exact.    
  
The moment when the black-haired man undressed and pressed his naked body against his chest, he saw stars and felt the strings sliding smoothly into the piano melody, the black pest being the maestro, coordinating the beautiful meltdown of piano and violins.    
  
He was overwhelmed and greedy at the same time. He wanted more, more of everything and he had no idea how to get it. The maestro had everything under control, as expected, telling and showing him exactly what to do and how to do it, precisely and without delay.    
  
The pressure and tension felt like a burning hellfire, but he wanted to grasp the melody a little more, lips attaching to the plump ones and exploring the sounds with his tongue, hands grasping the tone and pace, setting his insides ablaze.   
  
“I need you to touch me, so fucking bad. I can’t wait. Give me your hands,” the low voice ripped through his consciousness. He wanted to touch him, everything. He wanted to feel every fucking bit, every caress that turned into a note, a chord, a melody, different instruments melting together in an unbelievably beautiful sound that he could feel tingling at the tips of his fingers when he stroked the burning skin.    
  
The sensations were overwhelming and fast, the man in his arms moaning so beautifully, nothing compared to the suffering he had felt from hearing his voice before. Hoseok enjoyed every tiny bit of it. His mouth abused the hot, dark skin, his touch melting into it like iron into burning lava.    
  
But then Hyungwon wanted to go somewhere. Hoseok almost started begging for him not to go, melody fading a little and something much more basic coming back into his insides, eating him up. He wanted to attach himself to the other and not let go, enabling himself to feel the sensations the proximity of the other man evoked.   
  
_ No he can’t go, the music, it’s not over yet.  _   
  
The other man walked back and dropped to his knees.    
  
The drums slipped in, fire ripping through his body, fuck. He almost fainted from the way the man beneath him was able to overwhelm him with everything he did. The balance was only saved by the proximity of the black piano behind him. The chords got faster, drums and strings uniting into one huge and incredibly beautiful meltdown, rushing through his body and mind, collecting and connecting every cell before exploding inside of him.    
  
He had no idea how long he stood in his underwear while leaning against the piano and staring at the amused expression on the other man’s face, trying to make sense of his behaviour. He came but he couldn’t run away and he also didn’t feel like running away. His brain suddenly recollected a memory from three years ago.    
  
His friend Min Yoongi, studying piano in the same year, had talked to him about the orchestra performance they had to prepare for the finals. They had sat down and talked casually first, Yoongi about his girlfriend, Hoseok about him fucking around and having fun, but piano being the first thing and the only thing that made him happy. The man had looked at him with a small smile on his lips and had said that one thing.    
  
“Every instrument in an orchestra needs to play well for the performance to turn out perfectly. It’s a struggle and it’s complicated. The violin and the cello can’t just play how they want to and it will only be perfect if they have the one maestro who’s able to conduct the piece. You’re still waiting for the one maestro aren’t you? You’re the piano, but you still need the conductor.”    
  
Hoseok had just laughed at him back then, thinking it was about the performance and not understanding why a piano would need a maestro when he was just the one listening to the perfectly conducted strings and playing along to it.    
  
_ The pest is the fucking maestro he was talking about, Hoseok.  _ _   
_ _   
_ Suddenly everything made sense, the way his body kept betraying him, mind not being able to react properly and yearning for the same sensations over and over again and the mental asshole being the only one until now who could provide them.    
  
__ But you hate this guy, Hoseok. You really, really hate him. And he’s a dude. 

_ But conductors are mainly dudes!  _ _   
_ __   
He felt a sudden urge to call Changkyun, but it was already super late and he still stood leaning against the piano while wearing boxer shorts and staring at Hyungwon sitting on a chair like a fucking king. He really wanted to say something, to ask why the other was doing all those things, but he was afraid the pest would just return the question and he would end up being the idiot, forced to come up with something. 

He couldn’t just tell him he needed his body to feel music.    


_ What kind of mental reasoning is that? No normal person would understand what you’re talking about, Hoseok. _   
  
He remembered that he had touched Hyungwon’s dick. It was a whole new level of gay, but it somehow didn’t really disturb him. He needed the other’s body to feel music and he didn’t really care what kind of action it involved. The only thing that disturbed him was the fact that they had to live together. For a year. And that Hoseok kind of hated him.    
  
_ How can you hate him if you did every-fucking-thing he asked you to do five minutes ago?  _   
  
Because he was the maestro. Of course it didn’t make sense to anybody else whatsoever, but it sounded absolutely reasonable to him.    
  
_ And it’s not that you like dick or something. You like music and he gives you music. The end.  _   
  
“This is sick.” He gave up on staring and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Blank and without any resistance to the things that had happened between them. What could he do? Make it undone? He couldn’t and he also didn’t really want to. The sensations had been drug-like, addicting and out of this world. The only thing that was dampening his mood was the struggle to deal with that asshole person on the chair that he really wanted to strangle.   
  
“Are you okay?” Hyungwon asked, voice much less demanding than it had been a few minutes ago, also standing up and filling a glass of water. “You sat there for almost 20 minutes, Hoseok.”   


What, twenty minutes? Shit, he needed to work on self control.

“Yup,” he answered quickly before going towards the bathroom. He wanted to brush his teeth, as the other man's intoxicating taste was still driving him crazy. He needed to get rid of it. Fast.

“Either way, don’t drive yourself mad over it. It won’t happen again, since you’re not my type. Good night,” the other man called after him and disappeared into his room, door shutting soundly. 

What? Not his type? Well, his type enough to blow him twice apparently. The dude was also not his usual type. He didn't have breasts and was male. Duh. 

The door opened again and Hyungwon reappeared, a frown on his face. 

“I’ll also brush my teeth,” he pointed out and joined Hoseok next to the sink, grabbing his toothbrush and furiously scrubbing away.   
  
Oh god. He tried really hard not to look at the guy, but he kept appearing in front of his face without warning.    
  
_ Don’t think about it, Hoseok. He’s just your annoying asshole flatmate. The end.  _   
  
“Are you gay?” he heard himself mumbling with the toothbrush in his mouth.    
  
_ Why, Hoseok? Why? Why can’t you just shut your fucking mouth for once? _

The DJ slowly turned towards him, toothbrush in his mouth and gaze judgemental. Removing the toothbrush from his lips he took a deep breath, slight smile playing around his lips.

“No, Hoseok, I just have a strange and unhealthy fascination with sucking dick. It’s a hobby of mine, you know. Nothing to do with my sexuality and all. Just a straight guy loving dick.”   
  
He didn’t know what to say. The asshole was obviously making fun of him but he couldn’t point out in which part of the sentence. Hoseok wanted to punch him. His eyes widened and stared at the nasty smile, lips red and showing white teeth.    
  
“Fuck you, Hyungwon,” he managed to press out, throwing his toothbrush into the glass and running out of the bathroom like a crazy person. This fucking asshole, why couldn’t he just choke on toothpaste and die? As if he knew Hoseok’s struggles he heard the other man laugh loudly from the bathroom.   


Seeing the boxes on the floor he remembered his headphones. He needed them. Who knew when the pest decided to play out his next sexual drama all by himself. Hoseok stepped in front of Hyungwon’s room, elaborating whether it was okay to just go in and get the box.

“Why are you standing in front of my door?” Hyungwon appeared next to him, fixing his bathrobe by tightening the string and raising an eyebrow in question.   
  
“The box, I need the box. Since forever and it would’ve been so fucking nice if you had given it to me before...all that happened.”    
  
_ Just say you need the box, Hoseok, why start talking about it? _

Hyungwon rolled his eyes and chuckled.

“If you would have let me jerk off in peace my lust-crazed brain wouldn’t have decided to jump your ugly ass.” He opened the door and walked into his room, looking around quickly before finding the box and lifting it up, obviously struggling a little and placing it in front of Hoseok’s feet.   
  
What? Ugly? That was too much.   
  
“Chae Hyungwon, can you fucking see? Did you see my body and my face? I look like a wet dream and you have no idea about aesthetics apparently! The only thing I did was play piano. Why were you so disturbed? You should’ve just come and let me live in peace after that instead of...stuff.” He finished his monologue glaring at Hyungwon, mad that the other insulted his looks. 

Smiling the DJ leaned casually against the door frame in his stupid bathrobe. “I am sure that there is somebody out there who considers you attractive, but not me. I told you you’re not my type. Had you not banged my door and begged me to give you a fucking box, I wouldn’t have left the room.”   
  
Hoseok took the box and turned around furiously.    
  
“You’re fucking mental! Who jerks off and moans around like that while another person is listening in the next room?” he huffed out loudly and went towards his room, closing the door with a loud bang. 

“A person that likes to spoil themselves, sweetheart,” the low voice called after him, laughter perceivable, words passing through the wall as if it was nothing.   
  
He couldn’t fall asleep until it was already morning and it didn’t make sense to sleep anyway. He waited until it was exactly 8AM and started typing a message to Changkyun furiously.    
  
‘Is it possible to hate a person, but kind of enjoy making out and doing sexual stuff because the other’s body makes you feel Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto No. 3 in D minor? Because there is this situation I didn’t tell you about and I really want that person to choke and die but I also really, really want to feel the minor chord you know? And this time the drums and strings also mixed in! I need your help with his. Don’t tell, Lena!’ He pressed send without reading through it.    
  
After about ten minutes waiting for an answer, his patience was finally rewarded with a long text from his best friend.   
  
‘Bunny, I know it’s strange to move out after five years and I know that you’re a weird person but you shouldn’t panic ok? Did you drink? Or did you take something that is available only on prescription? What is going on with your brain, Hoseok? Is someone next to you to help? And no way I’m telling Lena because she would realize that I’m mental and that my friends are mental too.’    
  
What did he expect? Of course Changkyun didn’t understand. He had studied Neuroscience and was writing his Ph.D thesis. What would he know about the D minor concerto? He typed another message and hoped to get a sufficient answer this time.   
  
‘Everything okay, weird dream. Is the guy I moved in with gay?’    
  
Twenty seconds passed and the phone vibrated again.    
  
‘Ah, I didn’t tell you? Yeah, but I knew that you didn’t give a shit so I guess I forgot to mention. Why? Something wrong?’    
  
He hissed a breath and almost screamed out loud, regaining his senses before the black pest woke up and did whatever.    
  
‘No, everything fine. Hope your first night was racy. Kiss Lena from me. LMAO.’ He pressed send and moved his underarm over his eyes.    
  
Nothing was okay, nothing was fucking okay. So Hyungwon was gay and Hoseok was apparently not his type and got called ugly and everything, but was still okay enough to suck his dick.    
  
_ You also fuck everything that’s not on the tree on the count of three, Hoseok. Who are you to judge? _ _   
_ _   
_ Right. Speaking of which, he needed to fuck. Someone with breasts and a beautiful vagina preferably. Someone who was so loud that Chae Hyungwon went crazy. He hadn't joked about making the other man’s life hell. If the pest thought he could turn his life into a pit of hellfire, then Hoseok would nudge oil into it until the other gave up.    
  
__ He said you were ugly, Hoseok.    
  
Ugly his ass. If someone was ugly then it was Chae. Okay, he wasn’t, but he was a fucking asshole with the worst possible personality traits. The worst person to exist, ever.    
  
Hoseok brushed his teeth and got comfortable with the coffee machine, looking in all the drawers in the kitchen to make sure he could find things if he needed them later. A short glance at his watch told him that it was 8:30 in the morning, perfect time to start the day with annoying the shit out of his flatmate. He wasn’t able to sleep, so why would the pest enjoy silence and bliss? It was unfair.    
  
He sat down at his piano, stroking the keys tenderly while deciding for a nice wake up piece. He wanted to play something beautiful, something from his classical repertoire but a much better idea came to mind suddenly. He remembered the one EDM song the DJ played at the festival, with the pretty melody, but super loud and lit.    


_ You’re a fucking genius, Hoseok.  _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Well, how about waking up to your own shitty music, Chae Hyungwon, you arrogant asshole. _ _   
_ __   
He started playing the melody, adding a couple of lower chords in the process with his left hand to make it prettier than it actually was and of course louder. Much louder. He stepped on the right pedal to stretch the sounds and his lips spread in a nasty grin.    
  
Shit, this was so much fun. 

Absorbed in the notes he evoked from the piano he froze at the hands tightening around his neck, compressing his throat without mercy. 

“I’ll fucking kill you, Lee Hoseok. Do you have any fucking idea what time it is? You should be lying in bed and dreaming about a fucking lesbian inferno or something.” As if for emphasis the other man shook him back and forth on the piano stool, not letting go of his throat.

Yes. That was exactly what he could make sense of. He turned around, grabbing the thin man by the shoulders, turning again and pressing him against the piano. Several undefined notes at once disrupted the silence.

“I bet your ass can play better than your hands.” He grinned at the surprised expression. “I would say that I'm sorry, but I'm not.” Hoseok loved being superior. 

The DJ held his hands on a few keys, glaring at Hoseok, body clad in a gigantic white shirt, buttoned up, probably from his pyjamas, no pants. Most likely he wore underwear too, but it was hard to tell because the shirt reached the first third of his thighs. 

“As a matter of fact, it probably can,” he replied simply and slid his leg smoothly between Hoseok’s before kicking up with no warning, right where it hurt the most.

_ Fuck _ . 

He stumbled back while bending in half. That fucker. Hoseok should've used his black belt level Taekwondo skills to make Hyungwon eat shit. 

“Fuck you,” he pressed out, trying to breathe properly. “I hope you choke on a dick,” he added with a strained smile. 

“Definitely a better choice than fucking you. And trust me, I don’t choke unless I want to. I know what I’m doing, sweetheart,” the slim man replied with a smirk, blowing him a hand kiss and disappearing in the bathroom. 

“As if I would let you. You wish,” Hoseok screamed after him, still trying to regain consciousness after being kicked in the balls at 8 in the morning. Damn, they were like some kind of dynamite. Hoseok couldn't remember a time when he had so many violent thoughts directed at one person. 

When the other man finally left the bathroom, he stalked to the kitchen, making a coffee and ignoring Hoseok demonstratively, pretending he was air. 

Nice. 

Hoseok walked over with his empty cup and stopped ten centimetres behind the black pest, breathing against his neck but not touching him. There must've been a lot of things that annoyed the dude and Hoseok was going to find out each and every one of them. 

“Cute,” Hyungwon commented while turning around and filled his cup with the hot and delicious liquid. “Do you usually creep up on people and breathe down their neck or do you just have a strange affection towards me, hun?” He took a sip, throwing Hoseok a judgemental stare, eyebrow raised again. Whatever he had done in the bathroom it made him look healthy and clean, face fucking perfect and not as puffy as it had been when he had tried to choke Hoseok with his stick arms.

“Sorry, I tend to overlook you cause you are so short,” he added, smirk making him look even nastier than his behaviour already did.

Short? Hoseok wanted to insult him. Badly. Staring up right into his fucking eyes, he tried to remember how Hyungwon’s dick looked like. Too bad that the only image he had involved his own hand and was accompanied by moans. Fuck. He felt blush creeping up his cheeks before he realized that he needed to turn away before thinking about embarrassing stuff.

“Ehm, did you just get embarrassed because I called you short? Wow.” The DJ chuckled and placed a hand on Hoseok’s shoulder. “I’m sure your chicks are shorter and don’t give a shit as long as your dick works and you can lift them with a finger.” He took a quick glance at the watch on his wrist and sighed.

“Do whatever you want. I’m going back to bed. My gig is late at night and I’m not going to work with less than five hours of sleep, thank you very much.”   
  
“Are you stupid? Why am I even asking, of course you are. How about another cup of coffee, Einstein?” Hoseok started laughing before taking his own cup and going to his room. He wanted to go out in the evening and needed to sleep, but decided to compose until the caffeine was depleted. He was honestly amazed by how music sheet paper and a pen were the only things he had managed to unpack. Well, the important stuff came first.  
  
Hoseok opened his eyes but it was already dark. It took him a couple of minutes to recollect where he was until the uncomfortable reality embraced him and didn’t let him escape back into slumber.    
  
_ Sure. Chae Hyungwon’s apartment. Your apartment. Fuck everything, Hoseok, get ready, you wanted to go out.  _

Right. He wanted to fuck. He needed to so he could forget everything that happened yesterday at the piano. With him. 

_ The dude who made you feel music. Maestro of ruining your fucking life.  _

He put on tight, black jeans, a red, supreme shirt and red converse for his personal OCD feels, raking through the semi-wet hair which smelled so nice after the shower. The pest was already gone and he hoped they wouldn't see each other too soon. 

_ Please _ . 

 

***

  
  


“And then he was like ‘Are you gay?’.”

The manic laughter at the other end of the line harassed his ear drums and Hyungwon held the phone a little further away to avoid deafness and thereby the inability to continue the job of his dreams, giggling a little himself. He was on the way to his gig, having slept most of the day, only disrupting his beauty rest to go through his playlist once again. 

Jooheon hadn’t been kidding about Hoseok and his routine. When he had woken up the other guy had been sleeping, curled up like a fucking baby in his blankets. Hyungwon had opened the door to his room and threw a box there that he had almost fallen over and took a pic for later blackmail. He didn’t know whether he would need it but it had been fucking worth it.

Minhyuk finally calmed down, coughing sounds penetrating Hyungwon’s ears instead of the convulsive laughter.

“You should have told him that you’re straight as fuck and don’t know what is suddenly happening to your body. Use that amazing acting talent from your first year acting experiences,” his best friend commented, giggling at the image.

Hyungwon joined with his own chuckle, remembering how he had tried out the acting club for the first semester before university had been too much work for dating and several hobbies at the same time. DJing had easily won against everything else.

“I was a fucking flower in the middle of the stage, Min. That’s not acting talent.”

“Don’t pretend like I don't know. They put you there because you couldn’t act as Quasimodo, duh. On top of that you were the only one who knew all the words, helping out that braindead economics major,” Minhyuk remarked, eye roll so intense that it was perceivable through the phone. 

That might have been true, but Hyungwon had still felt offended back then, trying out and getting in but only standing around and pretending to be a damn flower. Being pretty wasn’t really his goal in life. It was awesome how no one gave a flying fuck what you looked like when you were a DJ. People weren’t there to stare at your face and unless Hyungwon had to do performances at established clubs he didn’t bother showing much of his face either. If people liked his music without knowing his face he felt happier somehow. A little issue of his.

“Don’t remind me of that guy. I thought he was cute for some reason. His brain deadness might have been contagious.” Hyungwon almost gagged at the memory, sleazy hands and an unhealthy fascination with his face were what he remembered most vividly. He had never encountered anybody who asked him to wear female underwear at the first sexual opportunity (or at any other time actually), but man that guy had had some nasty obsessions.

“Enough of economics majors. Tell me more about fate fucking you harder than the last 300 times you got laid.”

“Man, I wish. He’s hot, but a dick. Remember when I told you that he talked to that reporter behind my back? That’s one assholish move and I kind of want to step on his dick and turn my shoe a little for that.” A woman on his right turned towards him, probably fluent enough in English to get weirded out by his descriptions. Hyungwon winked at her and walked on, passing the state park and regretting that he wouldn’t have to walk through it on his way to the club.

“Well, at least he let you suck his dick and got you off. That’s much more than one can get out of some other straight guys, Won,” Minhyuk commented, chewing on something in the background, probably chips or dried fish.

“I still can’t believe he had to ask me whether I was gay after that. How naive is that? Makes me want to fuck him up real bad, Minhyuk. You know? Those cute little ones that are all buff but don’t know shit, dying at every little tongue flick.”

“Don’t you dare make me envious, Chae Hyungwon. I have my fair share of straight boys I unfortunately thirst after and because of your masturbation orgies you took away my only possibility to see one of them.” He was talking about Jooheon and Hyungwon did feel a little sorry for him. Minhyuk had liked Jooheon since last year, not really doing much except for giggling like mental and getting all happy whenever he saw the rapper. In addition to attaching himself to his neck and pretending to be extremely friendly of course. Jooheon tolerated it like a champ, not rejecting him but also not leading him on.

“Sorry man. You know, I just still can’t believe that he didn’t let me jerk off in peace and I got him to stroke my dick. Either way, I told him he’s not my type so we can live next to each other in peace. Preferably not see each other and work. His face is pretty and his body is hot but everything else makes me fucking angry most of the time.” Hyungwon shuddered again, already angry although he had only thought of the way the other man stomped away, insulting him just because he drank coffee despite wanting to sleep. There wasn’t much to keep him from sleeping, body already long immune to the effects of coffee.

“Just be happy that it’s not some homophobic jerk, although you’d have probably changed his mind with force, showing him the ‘white light’ or some shit. Either way, I have a movie to watch and tears to cry. Have fun at your gig. Tell me about the next one, maybe I’ll come and shake my ass to it,” Minhyuk said, even more rustling sounding through the line.

Saying goodbye to his best friend and hanging up Hyungwon smiled, river in sight and gigantic glass walls visible from where he was standing. At night the club looked even nicer, building illuminated and lights reflecting off the river water. Watergate was one of the fancier ones, located right at the Spree and having one of the most beautiful views in the whole city. While dancing you were able to look at the flowing river, enjoying yourself and feeling special, space limited.

Luckily you had to be 21 to get in and Hyungwon was glad that there wouldn’t be any teenagers ruining his night. The drunker they were the more they felt the need to come on to him or sit on his equipment, unless he had his own booth. His last gig at Watergate had been a while and he didn’t remember much except for how fucking ethereal the water had looked and the splendid sound system. 

The closer he got to the building the more the melody of his recent song played in his head, slightly changed and sounding genius. Hyungwon had no idea where his mind got the variation from but he really wanted to figure it out quickly and re-record the melody, improving it.

_ Wait. _

_ Blondie woke you up with it. _

Hyungwon wanted to facepalm, realization that Hoseok had woken him up with his own music hitting him suddenly. He almost slipped on an empty package of cigarettes with how shocked he was that the singer had identified the melody and even balanced it. His pride hurt, but the adjustment was genius. He needed it on his track, bringing out the female voice even better than it had before, chords alluring and profound.

Playing an extensively chosen playlist of his tracks and watching people enjoying themselves was the highlight of Hyungwon’s day. Loving how people blended in with his music, bodies moving and some couples kissing to the intensity of the beats. When he played the song Hoseok had adjusted the ingeniousness of the change was even more obvious, original almost unpleasant to listen to. So the DJ switched it to a different song faster than planned, adding a heavier bass and grinning at the ladies in the front. 

The night had been so fucking worth it, body sweaty but quickly cooling down in the night air, coat pulled around his shoulders tightly. He had made a better choice this time, not taking his leather jacket to make the way home more bearable. Again he couldn’t be stuffed to call a taxi, enjoying the fresh air and how it gave him time to think before he could just collapse in his bed and fall asleep immediately.

He would have to ask Blondie about that change in the melody even if he didn’t want to. It wouldn’t leave him alone unless he exchanged it, improved it. Even if the other’s songs were an insult to musical quality, and especially lyrics, his piano playing and feeling for music was superior. It was simply the truth and Hyungwon could deal with that.

His music wasn’t something he felt self-conscious about and needed constant confirmation in. 

He sighed, impatient to get home and get that fucking melody already, wish to sit down right away and twerk the song strong and fresh in his brain. It was 3AM but he didn’t care. When music called, one had to follow. 

_ Well, maybe you shouldn’t wake up Hoseok if he sleeps. That’d be a whole new level of heartless. _

Arriving at the apartment he quickly plastered his famous grin on his face, feeling comfortable to be home, despite the new flatmate.

“I’m home, sweetheart,” he called out, before he remembered the time. 

_ Well, too late. _

Instead of Hoseok’s annoyed groaning he heard moans. Female moans. Rather loud female moans. 

_ That’s weird.  _

He walked further into the apartment, not pretending to be civilized anymore and just throwing his shoes to the side. Placing his backpack into the corner, he followed the noises, gasps and screams more and more intense until he ended up right in front of Hoseok’s door. The acoustics in their apartment must have been supreme since Hyungwon felt as if a woman was moaning in his ear and he sure as hell liked none of it.

Considering that they were getting it on, it was a little disappointing how quiet the other man was. It could have made the whole thing a little more interesting, but nah of course luck was not on Hyungwon’s side. His brain was already splitting from the high-pitched demonic screeching.

_ Maybe they aren’t fucking yet and he just ate her out or something? Does Hoseok do that with one night stands? _

“Turn around, now, on all fours,” Hoseok’s low voice groaned into his fucking eardrum. 

Alrighty then, seems like the fun was just about to start and Hoseok enjoyed doggy style. Not like Hyungwon had to write that on his list of relevant sexual information about Lee Hoseok, but fuck it was high up there. Right next to ‘piano kink’. In addition Hoseok was apparently a dominant little shit, telling his partners to do things in that sexy graveyard voice of his.

_ Graveyards aren’t sexy, Hyungwon. _

Vampire voice then. Either way the woman kept ruining all the fun. Rolling his eyes, Hyungwon marched to the kitchen, getting himself a plate although he almost never used any, cluttering with the dishes on purpose and making much more noise than he would have done with Jooheon asleep in his room. He didn’t have a problem with catching people in the act and if Blondie intended to keep this going for a long time he was going to march in and ruin all the fun. Unless the kitchen noise would do the job.

He cut an apple on the plate and listened.

It was really strange but Blondie was really quiet, the sound of skin confirming the fact that he was fucking her brains out, but it was only the woman who kept moaning and screeching. 

_ No offense, but Hoseok had groaned way more while touching your dick. Sorry not sorry. _

It was true. Hoseok had been much more vocal when Hyungwon jumped him like a hot piece of meat, getting him off and being rewarded with skilled fingers on his skin. The DJ kinda missed the groans. He would have waited it out. Really, he would have, but only if he had heard at least some sounds from the other man. However, the shrieking remained the only audible thing and without some lower sexy groans to accompany it, listening was no fun at all.

Standing up and taking a chunk of apple which he chewed on graciously, he walked over to the door and opened it without hesitation.

“Not to ruin all the fun, but it’s 3AM and you sound like a dying antelope, girl.”

The sight had been worth intruding on even if he would have to listen to those sounds for the rest of the night. Hoseok’s broad muscular back was enticing, muscles bulging at the movements of his hips, sliding in and out of the black-haired girl under him. Hyungwon didn’t really see much of her but he also didn’t care. 

Unfortunately both of them finally realized he was there and the smooth motion of Hoseok’s body stopped.

_ Too bad. _   
  
“What the fuck?!” Hoseok turned around, eyes huge as fuck, staring at him, looking murderous. It might have been weird to some people but the furious look in the other man’s eyes was much more exciting than every noise Hyungwon had heard since he had returned home.

“I told ya, it’s kinda late for this, don’t you think? He’ll drop you anyway, girl. Get yourself a functioning relationship and all that buzz,” Hyungwon commented, taking another bite out of his apple and leaning against the door.   
  
“I will kill you if you’re not out of the room in three seconds,” his hot flatmate said, voice low, and dangerous, eyes narrowing. The girl crawled to the side, collecting her stuff, not saying a word. 

“I’m pretty sure that the lovely lady on your bed is already feeling way to uncomfortable in my presence to let you fuck her, am I right, honey?” He glanced towards the girl and her attempts. She was objectively pretty, large blue eyes and a round face.   
  
Hoseok squeezed his eyes shut and threw the blanket over himself. The lady was almost fully dressed and moved towards the door, wow. E for effort. Hyungwon blew her a kiss when she skittered past him.    
  
“Three,” Hoseok breathed out. 

Hyungwon ignored him completely and turned towards the girl stepping into her high heels.    
  
“Do you need cash for a cab?” he asked. After all it was assholish to let her go home on her own at this time. The girl shook her head furiously and disappeared. Fair enough.   
  
“Two.” 

Hyungwon laughed, turning towards Hoseok and taking another bite out of his apple. 

“That’s my strategy, don’t you think?” he asked, nonchalant and relaxed. The threats didn’t bother him in the slightest. What could and would the blonde do anyway?   
  
“Run,” Hoseok groaned before standing up and grabbing his trunks and sliding them up his thighs in what felt like two seconds. 

Seeing the look in the other man’s eyes his body spiked with a fight or flight response, but he remained. Curious how many seconds it would take to feel the adrenaline in his blood. The body was a funny thing, getting scared by mere looks instead of actually dangerous situations.

_ Wait until you know what he’ll do, Hyungwon. Maybe Minhyuk will find you not only naked in a ditch, but also dead. _

The speed with which the blonde, half-naked man closed the distance was breathtaking, basically throwing him against the wall and pinning his body between two huge, muscular arms on each side, face mere centimeters away and so dangerously furious, sweat beads on his forehead and that gaze. Fuck. ‘Ouch’ but also ‘how can I make my whole life about this?’.

Hyungwon bit his lip to not say anything racy, thoughts immediately returning to those beautiful and powerful thrusts. If Hoseok would have filmed porn, Hyungwon might have watched it even if it was straight. Shit, this was some real dedication right there.   
  
“You are trying hard to make me snap, aren’t you?” the blonde groaned into his skin while keeping the predator stare. Well, no, not really. He just really hated the sound of the chick that Hoseok had been nailing into the mattress.

“No, I just can’t sleep when my animal protection instinct tells me there is a dying antelope. I just have to save it, you know?”  
  
Hoseok closed his eyes and breathed out, fingers clenching into fists against the wall.    
  
“I want to hurt you, alot, but I’m trying to collect myself because I’m afraid I might just kill you with that body of yours,” he muttered, trying to catch his breath.

Hyungwon examined his face, restrain obvious from the way he held his body, almost shaking from the effort. He took a deep breath, checking out the other man’s chest involuntarily before looking into his face.

“I’m not as fragile as I look, asshole.”  
  
“Wishful thinking.” Hoseok smirked and stared up, catching his gaze. Hyungwon wanted to prove it, but he knew better than to try to fight against his Hoseok-formed prison. He wasn’t going to get the other man’s arms out of the way anyway and punching him in the dick when he was semi-hard bordered on medieval torture.

“So what are you going to do to punish me for my bad behaviour?”

_ What the fuck, Hyungwon? What are you, a porn actor? Just let him slap you once and go to bed already. _ _   
_ __   
The blonde stared. He just kept staring, eyes still furious and narrowed, breathing heavily and so fucking close. Suddenly something changed in the other's breathing pattern, before Hoseok roughly pressed those lips against his half open mouth. 

_ But why? A kiss is definitely not a punishment. _

Hyungwon’s brain was confused, not kissing back for the first few seconds and not understanding why the guy who had just fucked a chick into the mattress decided that it was a good idea to kiss him. All of that without having played piano and abandoning his common sense.

_ Well, it is his own decision, Hyungwon. Just go with it. _

He closed his eyes and kissed back, opening his mouth further and tilting his head, allowing Hoseok more access and melting into the kiss. If he would have blamed something for not pulling through with his excuse that Hoseok wasn’t his type, then it would be the fact that he was being pressed against the wall like a sheet of paper and loved every fucking second of it.   
  
Fuck, Hoseok was rough, biting his lip and licking inside, one hand curling around his waist and pressing him closer, while the muscular body pushed against his hand, leaving Hyungwon in between. Shit, how was he supposed to keep resisting like this? The singer was finding all of his weak points and stomping on them instead of gently pressing them down.

He fought to keep up, nibbling on Hoseok’s bottom lip and sucking it into his mouth fiercely. Hyungwon had enough freedom to sneak his hand around the other’s naked waist, so he did, pulling Hoseok closer towards his body, reducing the air between them even further. His body already began reacting, pants tight and he really didn’t want it to, desperately holding onto his excuse.

_ Bullshit. _

Hyungwon really really wanted Hoseok to fuck him into that mattress instead of the girl. He could also get on all fours and would probably do a much better job on top of that.   
  
Something was off, as he felt hands tightening on his thighs from behind, body suddenly weighless in the air before Hoseok just went to the bed. With him. 

Oh god, Hoseok had just fucking lifted him off the ground and carried him to the bed, like his fucking club trophy.

_ Didn’t you say that you wanted to be fucked into the mattress instead of the girl, Hyungwon? _

That was true, but Hyungwon also had some dignity, feeling strangely passive with the way Hoseok manhandled him. Another second passed and he lay on his back with Hoseok on top of him, muscles bulging from holding himself up, before the blonde went for his lips again. 

Hyungwon wasn’t sure whether Hoseok was even aware of what he was doing and at this point he was too afraid to ask, dominance just overflowing and pinning him into submission. He couldn’t decide how he felt about that so he increased the power with which he kissed back, biting and sucking along Hoseok’s jaw and scratching over his naked back, basking in the way the muscles contracted under his finger tips.   
  
Hoseok must’ve had a hard time keeping himself under control, judging by the breathing against his ear, while the blonde sunk his teeth into the tender skin of his neck. Hyungwon gasped loudly, eyes closing automatically and head moving to the side to give the other man more access, more possibilities to mark his body.    
  
The blonde rested on one elbow while his other hand seemed busy, getting rid of the shirt Hyungwon was wearing, opening one button after the other without looking. That was some pretty controlled undressing for someone who had touched dick for the first time a day ago. Hoseok was crazy, just jumping face first into the whole thing without any signs of uncertainty. What was he thinking?

Hyungwon bit his lip and lifted his arms above his head, showing off his chest and waist, knowing that it looked hot and that taking off his shirt might be easier afterwards. He nibbled on Hoseok’s earlobe before watching his expression passively. It was so quiet without Hyungwon breaking the silence. Hoseok himself was apparently soundless unless he told someone to get on all fours.   
  
Bitch, he thought. 

The dude just shamelessly rolled his hips against Hyungwon, moaning into his ear and sliding his right hand over his naked chest. There was no way that he could have stopped his vocal outburst, moaning into Hoseok’s face in return and closing his eyes in bliss, hands remaining above his head but jerking briefly at the wish to press the other man’s hips into his again. Fuck, what the hell was going on and where was cute, innocent Hoseok? Hyungwon didn’t miss him but he also kinda did. It was complex.

“Shit, do that again, babe,” he moaned, falling right back into following what his body desired.   
  
Hoseok didn’t need another invitation and repeated the movement, groaning in pleasure, so different compared to the lack of noise from before.    
  
“You drive me nuts. Fuck, I can’t think,” the blonde moaned right into his face before rolling his hips while applying more pressure. Hyungwon couldn’t remember the last time he had resorted to dry humping, but Hoseok made it much more enjoyable, losing himself in the sensations with each touch.

“What are you planning to do with me, Hoseok?” Hyungwon asked, voice low and lips grazing Hoseok’s skin, teeth nibbling on his jugular.   
  
“I don’t know, but I want more.” The answer came much faster than Hyungwon expected. “You have to show me,” the blonde added after sucking in a breath. 

Ehm, wow. Hyungwon hadn’t expected a fucking sex wishlist. One with no elements on it except for the letters ‘m’, ‘o’, ‘r’ and ‘e’ in fucking caps. He was tempted. Very tempted. Hoseok seemed absolutely willing to do everything and strangely fascinated by whatever it was that Hyungwon did to him. Actually he hadn’t been doing much yet, just lying under him and kissing back, caressing and abusing his skin in alternation.

“If you want to do something that I like you’ll have to let me get up, babe,” he answered eventually, smiling at the bliss on Hoseok’s face and wondering about the fastest way of reducing the pieces of clothing he wore.   
  
The blonde sat up and looked like a fucking pupil in sex ed class. Blushed cheeks and huge eyes, gaze glued to Hyungwon’s face. Shit, he wanted to fuck him so bad, ride his dick into the sunset.

Grabbing his shirt, he slid it off his shoulders, making quick work of his jeans and slipping out of them, long legs on display and throwing the articles somewhere next to the bed. Now they were on equal footing and Hyungwon was ready to tease, climbing onto Hoseok’s lap and rubbing his ass over the other’s firm erection, size and firmness alone sufficient to make his mouth water.   
  
Arms curled around his waist immediately, stroking over the burning skin of his back, pressing him further down on Hoseok’s dick, accompanied by low moans and absolute bliss on the other man’s face. Hyungwon knew that he was good at this but the expression on Hoseok’s face made him feel like a god. He hadn’t even done anything crazy and mind-blowing. Yet.

“If you want to make me scream, you’ll have to touch me more than that, Hoseok,” he whispered into the other man’s ear, biting his earlobe and rolling his hips just enough to provide friction.    
  
A warm palm left his back and touched his thigh, crawling up, a little hesitant but fast enough before it reached between his legs. Hyungwon hissed in anticipation, closing his eyes and regretting that he didn’t get completely naked. He doubted that he could freak Hoseok out at this point. 

Nothing happened for a couple of seconds before Hoseok looked up to him.    
  
“You need to get rid of those.” The man pointed at his underwear. Well, definitely couldn’t scare him then. Hyungwon smirked and got off his lap, slipping them down his legs.

“Same goes for you though,” he commented, gesturing towards Hoseok’s shorts and licked over his bottom lip. The man complied and slid his underwear down his legs, before looking up and chewing his cheek in the process. 

He was strangely affected by naked Hyungwon for a straight guy, but well, sexuality was fluid and Hyungwon was indeed very pretty.

He grinned and crawled towards Hoseok, watching his facial expressions and smoothly sitting down on his lap again, loving the way the other man’s thighs felt under his own, naked ass grazing the singer’s erection.

“Better?” he asked while rolling his hips and squeezing his thighs together.   
  
“Oh my god. I feel like bursting.” Hoseok closed his eyes and placed his palms over Hyungwon’s thighs, one crawling up his naked skin, before strong fingers curled around his dick. 

Oh fuck, Hyungwon was only going to fuck pianists from now on, almost convulsing at the strength and preciseness of the other man’s fingers. He moaned and threw his head back, hands resting on the front part of Hoseok’s thighs that his lower body didn’t cover, opening himself up instead of hiding his face between the pianist’s neck and shoulder.   
  
“Shit, you look...oh god.” Huge eyes were staring at him, red, abused lips parted in awe. Now that was a level of coherence Hyungwon was familiar with.

He grinned, eyes still half lidded from the way Hoseok stroked his erection and lifted his right hand, pulling on Hoseok’s hair. He had reached the point where he needed to know how far he could go for the pianist to abandon himself and all strings of self-control.

“It is a little early for bursting, don’t you think? I’m amazed at how you were angry at me, but I somehow doubt that you still are. You’re doing just what I’m asking of you like a good little boy, shit.” He hissed at the way Hoseok moved his thumb over his slit, nails burying themselves into the singer's broad shoulders.   
  
Hoseok chewed on his lip again, probably thinking about an answer. The words had been harsh but apparently not enough to break the other man’s resolution to touch Hyungwon and to feel ‘more’. He watched Hoseok’s beautiful face, following the smooth curve of his upper lip, gliding along it with the tip of his index finger.

“Shit, I want to ride your dick, Hoseok.” Hyungwon cracked first, patience running out just like his reasons for denying himself the pleasure of feeling the veiny beauty that was Hoseok’s cock.   
  
“I...I’ve never...I don’t even know how...Oh god.” That was some supreme incoherence coming from someone who threatened to kill him twenty minutes ago. Luckily Hyungwon knew enough for them both and some more people.

He chuckled, stroking Hoseok’s cheek and rolling his hips against the other man’s erection repeatedly. Good that he had been all ready to mingle after the club but didn’t find anyone to his taste. He just needed some lube and the cumfest could start.

“Don’t worry, babe, you won’t have to do anything except for moving those talented hips of yours. Deal?”   
  
“I...you need to show me,” Hoseok breathed out, gaze so vulnerable as if he was the one to get fucked. The lack of versatile vocabulary was amazing, especially since Hyungwon wasn’t even sure what exactly he had to show the other man at this point. He was going to finger himself anyway. It was faster and more efficient in addition to reducing ‘freaking out risk’.

_ You sound like you fuck straight guys everyday, Hyungwon, what the fuck? _

He didn’t, but it had been often enough to learn a few things in order to not get hurt or be left hot and bothered.

“Do you have lube, babe?” he asked and licked over Hoseok’s lips, rolling his hips again to distract him a little from his, most likely terrifying, thoughts.    
  
The blonde reached for the drawer on the right and pulled out a small bottle. 

“Doesn’t it hurt you?” Hoseok asked out of the blue, looking worried. Hyungwon wanted to kiss his face and cuddle him like a fucking puppy. Oh god, he was so adorable.

“It’s the best feeling in the world, Hoseok. Don’t worry, you’ll see. I’ll tell you if something is off.”

Considering that they had been insulting each other, physically hurting each other and hated each other, their conversation was strangely caring. Hyungwon took the bottle and stared at Hoseok, sitting on the bed, looking like a personified wet dream, no idea about gay sex and how fucking amazing it would be to fuck Hyungwon.

The desire to see him lose himself in the feeling of Hyungwon’s body was overwhelming, fingers tingling in anticipation and wishing to rip every layer that the other man was still hiding behind from him. 

“I’m going to fuck you up so bad, Hoseok, you won’t be able to want anything else.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger, but it would've blown up otherwise. More in the next chapter. We hope you enjoy the ride ;)  
> To get a feeling for Hyungwon's character we would recommend to listen to Halsey - Heaven in hiding  
> Next Update on January 14th at 4 PM CET.
> 
> We write one character each,  
> @Hichanchen writes Hyungwon (and Minhyuk+Jooheon) and  
> @Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok (and Kihyun+Changkyun)
> 
> Hit us up on Twitter  
> @Hichanchen  
> @Smut_Hemingway
> 
> We are extremely happy about every comment and every click. You are one of the major reasons we write. (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	8. 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I knew you would feel that.”

He had never felt that furious in his whole life. Not when someone had insulted him and also not when he had to deal with all kinds of crappy humans, be it in the US or Germany. It was as if someone had taken every terrible thing in the world, chewed it and vomited it right in front of his feet in the disguise of Chae Hyungwon.   
  
So many thoughts had been crossing his mind when he had pinned the lightweight against the wall, most of them persuading himself not to hurt the other, although the asshole had deserved it.   
  
_He isn’t even scared, Hoseok. He just doesn’t give a shit._  
  
He stared at him. Huge brown eyes and plump lips, moist and soft, whispering nasty shit right into his face.   
  
“So what are you going to do to punish me for my bad behaviour?”  
  
Shit. There was nothing he could do to make the other suffer. Nothing. It was like trying to hurt the devil. Hyungwon would’ve enjoyed it and laughed at his pathetic attempts afterwards. It was devastating. He had never met a person he felt so helpless with. He behaved like a little kid, throwing a fit while the other just grinned at him while riling him up and making him even more confused and angry.   
  
Hoseok concentrated on the way Hyungwon’s face looked, how his eyes were reflecting his own image, something dark lingering in them, how the skin glowed in the dimmed light of his table lamp, lips so moist and spread in a small smile. He wanted to run away, to hide somewhere from all this, his muscles flexed, ready to turn around and leave, but his insides started burning in a familiar way. There was a sound, a long C turning into an E and forming a chord.   
  
_Just fuck everything, Hoseok. Take the music he’s able to make you feel. Take it, as long as he can give it._ _  
_ _  
_The movement of those soft, plump lips against his, robbed him of everything he had felt before, every single emotion turning into music, even his anger, making his body push forward, melt into the other man, desperation taking over every cell, screaming to take more, to make him embrace every chord, every little sound the proximity made him feel.  
  
 _How is something like this possible? He’s a fucking drug, Hoseok._ _  
_ _  
_He got drunk on Hyungwon’s body the same way he got drunk on music, stroking the burning skin under his fingertips just the way he stroked the keys. It was mesmerizing. He was much more conscious of his actions, hands yearning to play the beautiful man like an instrument, but too inexperienced to take the lead.  
  
The naked body moved slowly over his lap, golden skin, black bangs falling into the other’s big, beautiful eyes, features so soft but mouth so nasty. Strings and piano melted into a huge overwhelming storm, interacting with each other, Tchaikovsky Piano Concerto No.1 B-flat minor, the pace too slow, his own hands wanting to touch, to feel, all of it.   
  
“Shit, I want to ride your dick, Hoseok.” The beautiful black-haired devil on his lap just went full trumpet ensemble in his face without any prior warning.   
  
_It might be THE perfectly conducted piece, Hoseok. You need to try it out to know._ _You need this, you need to take it._ _  
_ _  
_It was about music. It was okay because it was about music. He had no idea what and how he was supposed to act but he didn’t care as long as his maestro was there.  
  
“I...you need to show me.” He hoped the other would lead him through everything, having everything under control, knowing exactly what was to come and how to integrate everything into a beautiful overwhelming wrecking ball. He just didn’t want to hurt him.   
  
__You wanted to kill him twenty minutes ago, Hoseok.   
  
But not when Hyungwon sat on him, so beautiful and naked, burying his nails into the skin of his shoulders and making him feel all those things he had never felt before. He was a different person then. One Hoseok wanted to attach himself to and never let go. 

_ Because he is music. _   


“I’m going to fuck you up so bad, Hoseok, you won’t be able to want anything else.” Those words hit his eardrums and he smiled.

  
_Too late._   
  
A hand went to the beautiful face in front of him, stroking the other man's cheek softly, fingertips tingling with excitement.   
  
“Please do,” he whispered, hoping that the other didn’t hear. But it must have been hard not to, with the way that his breath brushed the black-haired man's face, impossibly close. 

Hyungwon’s eyes widened in surprise and he opened the bottle of lube he held in his hand, letting a generous amount of liquid spill onto his palm as he glanced away briefly before focusing his eyes on Hoseok again.

“It’ll have to be a little messy cause you’re huge. If this is weird for you, just look away or something,” he remarked and rubbed the liquid between his fingers, coating them sufficiently before getting on his knees next to the edge of the bed and reaching behind himself with the lubricated fingers.  
  
Hoseok was frustrated, he wanted to touch the other, not look at him touching himself.    
  
“Don’t go. Just stay here, on my lap.” Shit, he must’ve sounded like a five-year-old pleading his mom not to go shopping without him. 

Hyungwon looked up, pausing his hand and staring at him for a few moments.

“Ehm, you want me to finger myself on your lap?” he asked with a raised eyebrow, caught off guard and remaining on the ground.   
  
Hoseok gave up on everything anyway. Hyungwon could have performed a bloody exorcism on his fucking lap and he would’ve nodded and enjoyed it.    
  
“I don’t care what you need to do, just come here.” He grabbed the thin wrist and pulled the black-haired man up.

“Ookay,” Hyungwon muttered and sat back on his lap. “Whatever you want, babe.” 

The other man placed his left hand on Hoseok’s shoulder for stability and spread his legs further apart, hips lifting a few centimeters above Hoseok’s thighs. The coated fingers, which he held away from himself, resumed their path behind him, eyes closing and breaths slowly leaving his lips.   
  
Shit, Hoseok felt like dying already, the man’s face so close to his. He could see every muscle moving under the glowing skin, it was breathtaking. He placed his hands on the other's warm thighs. Hyungwon began moving his hand, gasps leaving his mouth and movements precise and practised. He obviously knew what he was doing.

“I’ll try to hurry up,” he moaned and readjusted something, groaning against Hoseok’s lips.   
  
He had no idea what Hyungwon was doing exactly, but his face was absolutely worth it, lost in pleasure, so beautiful, like a mozart piano solo. Every expression on the other man’s face sent spikes through his own body, hands eager to touch everything they could find and a stabbing pain in his groin which was slowly driving him crazy. The moans got louder, filling his ears and echoing off the walls. Hyungwon began cursing, gasping meaningless words against Hoseok’s skin and leaning against his hand on Hoseok’s shoulder instead of holding himself up.

“Fuck, I can’t wait to feel you inside me, babe,” Hyungwon lamented, eyes struggling to stay open and nails breaking his skin.   
  
“What do you want me to do?” he asked, having no fucking idea how this whole thing was going to work but wanting it all at the same time.    


Hyungwon paused his movements, exhaling harshly and wiping his right hand on his thigh. When his eyes were closed, his eyelashes created beautiful shadows on his cheeks.   
  
“Have you ever had anal, Hoseok?” It sounded like a nonchalant question with the expectation of a positive answer.   
  
“No.” He didn’t have time to think about whether it was a smart thing to say, but it was simply the truth. It was something people in longer relationships tried out. He couldn’t relate as his relationships normally lasted for a night. 

“So much to being a fuck boy then,” Hyungwon commented with a smile and gave Hoseok’s dick a few light strokes. “Put on that condom, babe.”   
  
Ok, that was effortless. It took about three seconds, the experience and long years of practice made everything easy. Hyungwon chuckled.

“Looks like my baby boy is impatient. Lie down, so I can ride you like I want to.”   
  
Hoseok was a tiny bit afraid of his compliance to the epitome of evil but at that point he couldn’t care less. He lay down and tried to control his breathing that became irregular at the sight in front of him.    
  
_ Fuck. _

Hyungwon brushed his long fingers over Hoseok’s chest, crawling on top of him and drawing undefined patterns, stroking over his abdomen and teasing along his inner thighs. Sitting fully on his lap, he rolled his hips again, smirking down at Hoseok but his pupils were blown.

“If you’ll be good to me I might even get on all fours for you, Hoseok.”  
  
 _Shit. Hoseok that’s totally worth getting kicked in the balls for._   
  
He would’ve gotten kicked in the balls again and again, just for the sight.   
  
“Tell me what you want. I’ll do it all,” he groaned, not able to control his low voice.  
  
 _Shit, don’t say stuff like that._

Whatever Hoseok had done it had an effect on Hyungwon as he bit his lip and sighed needily.    
  
“Shit, you’re such a good boy. Don’t worry, Hoseok, your dick is everything I want.” He curled his fingers around Hoseok’s agonizingly hard erection and lined it up with his lower body, plump lower lip sucked inside his mouth, blush covering his cheeks and huge eyes focused on Hoseok’s face. “Don’t die,” he exhaled with a smile before slowly sinking down.   
  
Everything Hoseok thought about Hyungwon being the instrument he wanted to play was wrong. He couldn’t have been more mistaken about the whole nature of their sick relationship.    
  
_ You’re the instrument, Hoseok. You are.  _ _   
_ __   
It felt like dying and being reborn again. Music flowed through his veins, the man over him providing every sensation there could be. Hoseok wasn’t sure whether the human body was normally capable of so much perception. He closed his eyes and held the air in his lungs, afraid of passing out otherwise. 

“Damn, I should have used four, you feel amazing, Hoseok,” Hyungwon gasped, sinking further until he was completely seated on Hoseok’s lap, breathing harshly and contracting around him.   
  
His whole body was impossibly tense, muscles screaming to move, nails digging into the toned skin of Hyungwon’s thighs. The music paused but he knew exactly what that meant, that meant that it would hit him like a wrecking ball as soon as the devil decided to move. 

“I want to write a fucking homage to your dick. Don’t move, I’ll do everything,” the other man continued, closing his eyes and resting his palms on Hoseok’s chest, lifting his hips slowly before sinking back down in a quick movement and almost screaming at whatever it was that he did.

“Fuck, fuck fuck. Holy shit,” Hyungwon just muttered, pausing, fully seated on Hoseok’s lap again.   
  
“Does it hurt? Should I move out?” His consciousness returned from one second to the next, ignoring the explosive mixture that was his insides. 

Hyungwon immediately opened his eyes, gaze baffled and nails scratching along Hoseok’s pecs. 

“Are you fucking kidding me, Hoseok? It feels amazing as long as you hit right, but can we please skip the sex ed for later, babe?” The way the other man’s thighs shivered was intense, body reacting to every little movement. Even his cock twitched repeatedly.   
  
He trusted that Hyungwon knew what he was doing and concentrated on the dynamite like feeling of being inside of the beautiful man over him. It was crazy. He wanted the maestro to swing the baton. 

So badly.   
  
“Play me,” he whispered, not caring whether Hyungwon knew what he was talking about. Hoseok knew and it was enough. 

_ For now. _

The other man smiled ethereally, index finger stroking along Hoseok’s jaw before it rested on his chest again.

“Of course, my beautiful little pianist,” he whispered before closing his eyes for good and leaning most of his weight on his hands as he began riding Hoseok, steadily and sensually at the same time, hips constantly falling with force and lifting with a roll. It wasn’t sloppy at all, like a choreography.   
  
_ He is indeed a fucking conductor, look at him. _ _   
_ __   
Hoseok couldn’t really think, besides losing himself in the music that was everywhere. It wasn’t only rushing through his veins, he was seeing it, breathing it in and breathing it out. Muscles contracted in a defined rhythm, the beautiful hips moving at a certain pace, his moans integrating and playing with Hyungwon’s moans, melting into chords. It was perfect. Everything about it.    
  
The man above him surrendered his control just as much as Hoseok did, bliss covering his beautiful facial features, sweat drops running down his naked skin, arms struggling to keep up the rhythm but unwilling to stop. 

Until he did.

“If you don’t fuck me into the mattress I’m going to die,” he mumbled, breathing harshly and slowly sliding off Hoseok’s erection, arms easily finding blond locks and pulling them to get him to sit up.  
  
“How do you want me?” Hoseok breathed out, so incredibly greedy to feel the beautiful man, be inside him again, willing to do anything. Like a fucking slave.    
  
Hyungwon kissed his lips roughly, biting his lower lip before letting go and getting on all fours on the bed, hips lifted and weight resting on his palms. His eyes were closed and he breathed irregularly, impatiently.

“It’s pretty simple, really. Get in, babe.”    
  
Hoseok felt high, smoking a joint and drinking a bottle of gin was nothing compared to his state when he positioned himself behind the long body, hands exploring his golden skin, fire tingling against his fingertips at the touch. He didn’t understand why it was so intense, the scale incomparable to anything he had seen or felt before.    
  
He really hoped it didn’t hurt when he pushed himself in slowly, music pausing again for him to determine the other man’s state, as if on purpose, although he didn’t seem to be able to control it. It burned up his insides for good, a low moan escaping his lips, breathing so incredibly hard to concentrate on.

The other man was gasping, hips pushing against Hoseok’s in invitation.

“Come on, fuck me, Hoseok,” he moaned, hands grasping the sheets tightly and body moving a little on its own.    
  
Sucking in a deep breath to calm down at least a little, in vain, he started moving, still under the impression that it wasn’t him who set the rhythm, but the man before him, hips moving on their own, fingers holding on to the thin waist, as if for dear life.    
  
“You’ll be the death of me.” The truth, the ultimate fucking truth. 

A hiss left Hyungwon’s lips, sounding a little uncomfortable, legs shivering. He took a deep breath, obviously trying to talk.

“Babe, can you thrust downwards?” he asked, moving away a little.    
  
Down. Where was down again? He bent his right leg, to achieve a higher position and tried it out slowly.   
  
“Is that okay? Maybe I should touch you too?” he asked, unsure about his lack of experience. 

“Thrust properly and then I’ll tell you. Don’t worry, I’m fine,” Hyungwon replied, breathing unsteady and ass pressing against Hoseok’s again.   
  
He wanted to make it good, he had no idea how but he pulled out and thrusted in, trying out the new angle, holding the thin body in place with his hands. Hyungwon screamed and almost fell forward, only staying in place because of Hoseok’s strong grip.

“Fuck, fuck, Hoseok. Exactly that. Do it again,” he encouraged, mumbling and panting loudly.   
  
He must’ve been on drugs. He never thought that he would enjoy hearing someone scream. It normally sent shivers down his spine in a bad way, but the way the man under him screamed integrated perfectly. It was just right. He wanted to hear that again, and again and again.   
  
Trying hard to suppress his own release he moved his hips, moaning loudly at the incredible sensations, asking himself whether it was all one huge, sick, drug induced dream. Hoping it wasn’t and also hoping he wouldn’t wake up if it was. Ever. 

Hyungwon was delirious, screaming his name and meeting every thrust with vigor, obviously trying to make him pick up speed.    
  
“I’m not a doll, Hoseok, just go all out,” he groaned, hands finding the headboard for more leverage.   
  
Shit, he would’ve done everything. He was scared but he also couldn’t bring himself to overthink his actions, picking up the pace. As always, the maestro decided and he was the instrument, so he played, as good as he could, changing the chords and increasing the volume if needed. 

The other man was going mad himself, nails leaving marks in the soft wood of the headboard and body convulsing each time Hoseok thrust against the spot inside of him he enjoyed so much.

“Fuck, please touch me, Hoseok, I’m so close,” Hyungwon begged desperately, spine curving up.   
  
He leaned over, enjoying the hot skin melting down everything inside of him while fueling the explosion he kept pushing back. His fingers curled around Hyungwon’s erection, strange feeling at not being weirded out by anything, just a prominent wish to make the person under him see stars, and maybe also feel a little bit of the music he himself was so hopelessly addicted to. He started moving his hand, coordinating the thrusts with his every movement, moaning against the velvet-like skin on the other man’s shoulder.

It didn’t take long for Hyungwon to burst, crying out and almost collapsing under Hoseok’s hands. He could feel the other man’s heart beat through his finger tips, fast and throbbing. His skin shone in the light, thin layer of sweat covering it and reflections sparkling like tiny little crystals. A few seconds passed before Hyungwon completely stabilized himself, spreading his legs a little more to be more robust.

“Go all out, Hoseok,” he whispered. “Unless you’d prefer my mouth.”   
  
He prefered everything the other was going to give him. Losing himself in the ending part, the tension was unbearable, washing over him, taking every thought and replacing it with notes, mingled together from different instruments into an amazing finish. He came holding on to the other's waist, and burying himself deep inside Hyungwon. It bordered on an out-of-body experience and the beautiful, naked person under him was capable to provide it with ease. 

Hyungwon was remaining completely still, waiting for Hoseok to do something apparently. Heavy breathing the only noise in the room.    
  
Hoseok slid out smoothly and stood up to get rid of the condom. He got some tissues on the way back, not knowing what the other needed to clean up or whether he needed to clean up at all. He just hoped Hyungwon wouldn’t say anything and remain naked and mesmerizing like that.

“I'm kinda sorry about your sheets,” the naked man mumbled and let himself fall on the other side of the bed, looking exhausted but so damn beautiful.    
  
“Liar,” Hoseok exclaimed and jumped dick first into his next mistake by lying down next to Hyungwon.    
  
_ Why? Why would you lie down next to him, Hoseok? Are you dumb?  _   
  
Hyungwon needed to get dressed quickly so Hoseok could get his brains back. But he also didn’t want the other man to put on clothes, it was like the opposite of good. His fingers yearned to touch the sweaty skin, glowing in the yellowish light, so overwhelming it took his breath. He behaved like a fucking creep but he didn’t care. 

Why didn’t he?   
  
_ You’ll never be able to forget about it, Hoseok. You’re addicted, you idiot.  _   
  
“Do you need something else?” Hoseok tried to explain his sudden behaviour by asking stupid questions. Hyungwon smiled at him, a little surprised by the question. 

“A hug and a shower maybe. Or can I make the list longer?” he said with a grin, stretching out his legs, careful not to touch the sheets too much and cleaning up his body.   
  
_ You have an excuse, Hoseok. Go for it. _ _   
_ __   
He curled his arms around the lean body, enjoying the contact and thinking about an answer if Hyungwon decided to make fun of him. Hoseok wanted to touch him, so he was going to touch him, as long as he was naked in his bed and not the devil in disguise kicking him in the balls. One had to take everything offered before it was gone. 

Hyungwon hugged back, tired and eyes closed, breathing Hoseok’s scent into his nose. 

“You make me want to eat chocolate,” he said and chuckled, body relaxing into the embrace.   
  
_ Shit _ .   
  
He didn’t want to get dressed and he didn’t want to stand up and to let go and to do anything, because that would’ve meant that the music would stop and he would have to deal with the frustrating reality including the nasty personality of the naked beauty in his arms. He just wanted to lose himself in the soft piano melody, so soft and tender, not a classical piece and also nothing he had heard before.    
  
_ He’s a muse, Hoseok.  _

_ He’s music.  _ __   
  


_   
_ ***

 

Hyungwon’s body was on fire, limbs burning and pleasure still soaring through them although several seconds had already passed since his release. Being the considerate lover that he was, he used all his strength and remained in place, enduring the oversensitivity and strength of Hoseok’s thrusts like a champ although he felt like melting and curling up into a little ball instead (an elongated ball). The other man was so fucking beautiful, a lethal mixture of innocent and naive when it came to gay sex but oh so fucking eager at the same time. Hyungwon wanted to unpack his whole repertoire for him.

When Hoseok came, fingers scrabbling into the skin of his waist and bodies flush, Hyungwon regretted his choice of position. He would have loved to see the other man’s face, not only forgetting who he was because of how amazing Hyungwon felt but also climaxing because of him. Shit, Hyungwon was greedy when it came to praise concerning the way he could make his partners feel, contracting around the other man throughout his orgasm.

His breathing was still unstable and he tried to focus on the white sheets under his hands, staying completely still and preparing himself for the uncomfortable feeling of Hoseok sliding out, which he did, getting rid of the condom. At least he had some common sense. Even straight one night stands were good for something. Taking a look at the ruined sheets Hyungwon pulled a face, frowning at it and throwing himself onto the bed, such that he didn’t touch anything remotely disgusting.

“I’m kinda sorry about your sheets.” He wasn’t. He was happy that they weren’t his and that he could just go to his clean bed and sleep, feeling heavy and tired as fuck.

“Liar,” Hoseok commented almost immediately and threw himself next to Hyungwon. How he avoided the jizz was a mystery.

_ You should really work on your acting skills, Hyungwon. Maybe the flower had been the best choice after all. _

The other man’s actions were rather strange. Hyungwon would have expected him to panic and remain standing in the middle of the room for 20 minutes or something, similar to what he had done before, but instead the pianist was lying next to him on a fucking bed after fucking him into oblivion against the headboard.

Life was good.

“Do you need something else?” Hoseok asked cutely, handing him the tissues and acting like an insecure puppy. Hadn’t he been angry just a while ago? Now he wanted to do things for Hyungwon? His ass must have really been otherworldly to bring about such changes.

_ That one guy did call it a galaxy once. _

Hyungwon smiled immediately, touched by how sweet Hoseok was being, endorphins fucking his nasty comments back where they came from. He wanted nothing except for a hug and a hot shower, preferably in that order because he was going to feel cold fucking soon.

“A hug and a shower maybe. Or can I make the list longer?” he asked with a grin, teasing Hoseok a little for being so obedient. He used the tissues to wipe over his lower body, removing all excess of lube and cum he could find and throwing them to the side. Hoseok could just get rid of them afterwards. No way in hell was Hyungwon going anywhere at this point.

A few seconds passed until strong arms closed around Hyungwon’s body, Hoseok genuinely hugging him, pulling their bodies flush. Warmth enveloped Hyungwon and made him even more tired than he had already been. It was surprising that he actually got a hug. It had been more of a joke, a half-hearted request, assuming that he wouldn’t get it, but here they were. Hoseok’s neck was deliciously close to his nose and he breathed in the intoxicating scent, this time a mixture of chocolate and sex. Best mixture ever. Hyungwon wanted a shampoo, shower gel, shaving cream and body lotion with the same scent.

“You make me want to eat chocolate,” he whispered against the other man’s skin with a smile and breathed in again, trying to get as much of it as possible, clouding his senses. It had been the most inconspicuous way to admit that he loved how the other man smelled. His eyes were already closing, body just relaxing into the warmth of Hoseok’s embrace and wanting nothing else except for sleep.

And a shower. Eventually.   


_

 

An ambulance sounded through the room, loud and unpleasantly close to Hyungwon’s ear. It must have decided that going past his street in the early morning was a good idea. He grumbled a little, attempting to turn and realizing that he couldn’t because he was being pressed against someone else’s hot body, strong arms keeping him in place.

_ Fair enough. _

He curled his arms around the other man in return, trying to get even more warmth into his limbs, enjoying how the muscles felt under his fingertips. Muscular stranger had a wonderful back. Realizing it couldn’t be his room because it was way too fucking bright outside he opened his eyes a little bit. The blurry outlines of another person’s face slowly came into focus, staring at him.

Blondie’s face. Blondie’s rather shaken face for some reason.

Hyungwon grunted again in dissatisfaction, wondering why anybody would stare at him like a creep while he was sleeping. It was way too early for this. No matter what time it actually was, it was always too early.   
  
“What the fuck?” he asked, stretching his right hand past Hoseok’s shoulder to rub his eyes, thereby pulling the other man even closer. Hoseok sucked in a breath, eyes widening even further.

“Well, good morning, little Hoseok,” Hyungwon added with a smile and proceeded to rub his eyes, feeling the pianist’s gorgeous erection against his hip.   
  
The blonde man closed his eyes and didn’t move for a bit, not possible in their position anyway.

_ Wait, Hyungwon. Why the fuck are you in his bed? _

His ignorance got bitten in the ass by reason as he looked around and recognized Jooheon’s old room, even if it appeared completely different from what it had looked like before. No posters of Zico in various ugly outfits covering the walls. Hoseok seemed to have forgotten to unpack, shelves empty.

_ Why the fuck are you in his bed though? _

Hyungwon remembered them having mind-blowing sex, Hyungwon successfully showing him that he was a much better lover choice than the black-haired girl he had been nailing, although it hadn’t really been his intention. At least not at first.

He had believed that Hoseok would just slap him and then move on with hating him. Apparently the other preferred to fuck him and cuddle him to sleep.

_ Oh god, Hyungwon. Why would you just fall asleep in his fucking bed. You were always hopeless when it came to sleep but since when do you just pass out after sex? _

“Why am I in your arms?” he decided to ask, best and most elaborate question he could have posed. Not. Especially considering that ‘why are you’ was not the problem, rather ‘why still’.   
  
“Because fuck my life,” Hoseok answered, eyes still closed and hands still around his body for no reason.

_ Fucking same, Hoseok, fucking same. _

Hyungwon laughed instead of admitting to his own stupidity.   
  
“Now?”   
  
The eyes opened and a scared expression appeared on Hoseok’s face. It was hilarious. As if Hyungwon would really jump him now, not having brushed his teeth, looking like shit and probably having dried cum somewhere. Still he wanted to play a little.

“Will you be a good boy for me, Hoseok?” he purred into the other man’s ear, tongue licking from his earlobe to the pavillion.   
  
The blonde moaned shamelessly, before realizing the whole thing and trying to shift his hips so Hyungwon wouldn’t feel every fucking dick twitch. 

Cute.

“Hmh?” he asked again, biting into the other's earlobe and leaning away, staring into Hoseok’s face for effect.

_ Come on, Hoseok, you just need to answer and you’ll be released from the torture. _ _   
_ __   
“Why are you like this to me?” Hoseok closed his eyes again, probably fighting against his boner.

“Because you’re sweet and innocent when you act like this. Gets me going. So, will you do me a favour, sweetheart?” Hyungwon repeated his question, getting rid of some of the sexual innuendos and just wanting a fucking answer because he was starting to feel disgusting. He hated walks of shame. Not the ‘I am going home after fucking a guy’ walks of shame, but the ‘the guy is still there but I have to stand up first and he sees me walking around in my naked but fucked up glory’ walks of shame.   
  
“You would kick me in the balls if I wouldn’t, so shoot.” Blondie gave up and had a point for once. Hyungwon most likely would have hurt him somehow, because he needed that fucking shower and he was sore after letting Hoseok fuck his brains out.

“I really want to shower. Carry me there and let me shower in peace?” he asked, letting go of the other man’s neck and staring at him expectantly.   
  
Hoseok started laughing.   
  
“You want me to carry you into the shower? Did you forget how to walk?” he asked, blank at the request.

He must have been kidding him. Hyungwon barely suppressed the need to pinch his nipple, hard.

_ He's straight, Hyungwon. He knows absolutely nothing. Have mercy. _

Plastering on a shameless smirk he glared at the pianist, waiting for him to swallow his own tongue at Hyungwon's reply.   
  
“Well, since you kind of fucked me into oblivion yesterday, walking isn't very pleasant at the moment, you know?” Wow, the laughter disappeared at the speed of light and blush crept up Hoseok’s cheeks.   
  
“Ok, but I need to shower too and brush my teeth.” The blonde looked away, a tiny bit embarrassed.

“Then fucking wait until I'm done,” Hyungwon replied, getting impatient and feeling uncomfortable. He really needed that fucking shower. Soon. “Even Jooheon carried me to the shower before and he sure as hell wasn't responsible for it.”   
  
Hoseok crawled back and walked over to his drawer, sliding underwear over his tattooed butt. How had Hyungwon missed that? Fuck, he loved tattoos. Blondie turned around and walked over to the bed.   
  
“Come here then.” He stretched out his arms, grinning like a nasty motherfucker.

That little shit. Well, Hyungwon was above that. After all he hadn't been the one who used his body to deal with anger. He got up and crawled over to Hoseok, wincing a little because he had indeed gone all out with his love for rough sex. Sitting down at the edge of the bed he stretched out his arms in return.   
  
Hoseok kneeled down unexpectedly, grabbed his sides with both hands and threw Hyungwon’s body over his shoulder before standing up, holding his thighs firmly. Hyungwon had no possibility to not hang head down, balance not sufficient to do anything. He just dangled there like a fucking potato sack.

That fucking asshole. Sneaky piece of shit. Fuck, Hyungwon wanted to hurt him so bad, but could do absolutely nothing. He felt angry enough to chop the singer's dick off in his sleep, no matter how much he liked it. Not knowing what else to do he hit Hoseok’s back with his fists and screamed as loud as he could. Maybe he could convince someone of being abused.   
  
“Cute what kind of sounds you can make when you’re frustrated.” The asshole didn’t give a shit about his fists and walked towards the shower slowly, as if on purpose, swinging to the right and to the left.

Death. He deserved death.

“I hope the next bitch you fuck cuts off your dick with rusty scissors,” he spat, giving up and just hanging there, blood flowing to his head and making him dizzy. His circulation wasn't good enough for this shit. If he was going to faint he'd never forgive Hoseok. Ever.   


Blondie laughed again before stepping into the bathroom and turning on his heel twice, body turning around, adding up to the dizziness.   
  
“She won’t, unless you prefer interrupting me again. We’re here.” The asshat slapped his thigh. Hyungwon couldn't reply, feeling way too dizzy, vision blacking around the edges, buzzing filling his head.

_ Fuck. _

“Shit, you okay? Hyungwon? Won? What’s wrong?” A voice ripped through his unconscious state. His head leaned against a warm arm and someone was pinching his cheek.

“What the...fuck did you do to me, you sadist?” he mumbled incoherently, everything feeling numb. Fuck, he had really fainted.

Hoseok had signed his fucking death sentence this time.

“Why would you pass out from something like that? Shit, wait- let me hold your legs up.” Blondie used his other arm to lift his calves. “Are you feeling better? You were gone for like three minutes. I thought you died.” The man looked extremely worried, sweating a little from holding up Hyungwon’s head and limbs.

Hyungwon tried to move but wasn't very successful. Hoseok was such an idiot. Strangely caring and cute, but still an idiot.

“Well, what do you think? I haven't eaten much since yesterday 6PM, slept just now and have fucking long limbs. Of course I faint if you turn me upside down and swirl me around.” This was ridiculous. He was naked for fuck's sake. He was never naked unless he wanted to be sexy and this was everything but sexy.   
  
“I don’t think you should shower now, since you’ll faint and break your neck. Take a bath instead or something. Wait here.” Hoseok threw a fresh towel on top of him, realizing he was uncomfortable and went out. After a couple of minutes Blondie appeared in the doorframe again, wearing sweatpants and holding something that looked like a sandwich and a cup of coffee. Kneeling down next to him he pointed at the stuff. “Can you hold it? Or do you need help?” he asked absolutely serious and without any mocking undertone.

“Ehm, I'm fine,” Hyungwon replied and took the coffee and the sandwich, a little weirded out by all the care. It was the same person that had just thrown him around like a potato sack minutes ago (although Hyungwon had lost three of those). He couldn't even answer with something sarcastic like ‘thanks mom’ (fucking your mom was kinda weird so it might have been better that way).  
  
“Want me to move you to the couch or do you insist on eating on the bathroom carpet?” Hoseok asked, observing his facial expressions intently.

What was worse, getting carried again or eating half naked in the bathroom?

“Couch.”

The blonde fixed the towel around Hyungwon’s hips and pulled him closer, curling his arms behind his head and over his thighs, standing up carefully.

_ Fucking bridal style. _   
  
“Hold the stuff,” the singer whispered and walked over to the living room, placing Hyungwon on the couch carefully, like he was some doll. Hoseok must’ve had a real shock because of the random fainting. He got a pillow and stuffed it under Hyungwon’s calves.

Okay, if fainting meant that he had his own personal hottie at his feet, ready to fulfil his every wish he might consider fainting more often.

“Thanks, sweetheart,” he commented and stuffed half of the sandwich into his mouth, swallowing it down with two gulps of coffee. “I actually have something I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Mhm?” Blondie looked up looking all serious. He must've scared him.

“Do you remember that melody you played yesterday? The one you woke me up with before I tried to choke your nasty ass?” Hyungwon asked, already regretting the fact that he would have to admit the other's superiority when it came to melodies. Hoseok listened intently before his eyes lit up and he smiled, genuinely.

“Yes, your melody. It's from that one song you played at the festival.” Blondie sat down on the floor in front of him, cross legged. Only wearing sweatpants but no shirt. The half naked man closed his eyes and started humming the melody in a really beautiful low voice while fingers of his right hand moved along his thigh as if there were piano keys.

Shit, how could he be so beautiful? Hyungwon almost choked on the rest of his sandwich.

“Do you,” he began when he managed to swallow most of it down. “Do you think you could play it again? Preferably when I'm next to you with a piano mic?”

Hyungwon needed that melody on his track. He didn't give a shit whether he hated Blondie or not. The guy was a brat and pretended to be his friend to fuck him over but when it came to music he knew what he was talking about.   
  
Hoseok opened his eyes again and threw a curious look at him.   
  
“Sure. Do you need the exact same thing or could I just improvise a little?” The blonde smiled again while standing up and walking over to the piano. “I’ll just play and you tell me which one you like most.” He lifted the heavy lid and placed his hands over the keys, closing his eyes again.

Hyungwon begged himself and his body to not have any inappropriate bodily reactions to the other man playing piano and to stay professional about it. Despite sitting on the couch with only a towel covering his private parts and Hoseok playing piano in sweatpants. Life was a funny thing.

“Sure, go ahead. Then I'll pick one and we can record it when I'm not barely covered. But I have a gig later today, so preferably before that.”   
  
“Mh. Whenever you want to. I have to drop by the company but I’m free to go when I want. Uhm, if you like it just throw something at me since I might not react to the voice alone. It happens sometimes when I’m too into it.” The blonde flashed him a beautiful smile and turned back to face the black piano.

Hoseok was fucking strange. There was no doubt about that and his unhealthy relationship to his musical instrument, but it fit with those examples of mental disabilities and genius compensations that Hyungwon had discussed during his studies. Maybe Hoseok was fucked in the head but extremely talented?

What did the other man want him to throw? His sandwich plate? His towel? Hyungwon chuckled and leaned back, focusing on the notes that were about to hit his ears.   
  
Hoseok started with a very basic version, his version, easy to listen to but lacking something. It wasn’t much different, until he randomly decided to pull the real thing, fingers rushing over the keys in a tempo Hyungwon was terrified by, left hand adding amazing accompaniment to the right hand melody, switching the octave to balance the sound and finding a perfect melting point. His back muscles moved along with his hands, head tilting to the right. Hyungwon thought the other was fucking kidding him. Hoseok played the melody, his improvisation and the first beat intro all at the same fucking time. What the fuck? His fingers were basically flying, the transitions hardly visible considering the speed.

It was simply crazy. Hyungwon wanted to hear more, see where the melody could go without him intruding, but he also had his requirements.

“Do you think you can add some darker chords, Hoseok? Something more desperate?” he asked, closing his eyes and imagining the bass line on top.   
  
“Desperate?” The man turned around and stared at him with a strange unreadable expression on his face. Why was he so surprised? That's what it had been all about from the beginning.

“Yeah, the song is pretty damn desperate.”   
  
“It isn’t. I don't remember the lyrics, maybe the lyrics are, but not the melody. You want it to be desperate?” The blonde looked rather serious about all this.

Hyungwon nodded.   
  
Hoseok sat on the chair for at least two minutes, without moving or playing before he hit a key once and started playing. It seemed to be the same base melody, but it felt as if the melody lost it's whole fucking family. The combination of the sounds Hoseok was evoking from the instrument screamed devastation and helplessness in his face, dark notes rushing in between, creating a tense atmosphere.

Hyungwon focused on the melody and imagined it paired with the lyrics, emotions he hadn't been aware of even existing rushing through his body and constricting his chest. He felt so fucking helpless and angry, although he knew cognitively that he shouldn't be. Everything was fine. He was fine. He had gotten over it and found himself capable of making the right decisions. But even the rational explanations couldn't defeat the effect the music had on him.

When the sounds stopped and silence fell over them he felt scared at the wet feeling on his cheeks, quickly lifting his hand and attempting to rub it off.

Fuck, Hoseok had just made him cry. By playing a melody. Shit.

The pianist turned around just to see him wiping away his tears.   
  
“I knew you would feel that.” He stood up from the piano and went to his room without saying a fucking word.

What the fuck? Hyungwon felt so lost. Hoseok had played a melody, made him cry and now he just disappeared into his room? The DJ just remained on the couch, inhaling slowly and calming himself down. Holy shit, he almost never cried in front of other people.

Sitting there for a few more moments, Hyungwon felt good enough to stand up, remembering his sore ass almost immediately. Hoseok had really gone places.

_ You told him to, Hyungwon. Get your shit together. _

Forcing himself to ignore the slight burn he slid into the bathroom, closed the door and took a long shower. A few hours and he'd be as good as new. He still needed Hoseok to record the melody but preferably without him crying like a little bitch next to him. It didn't fit Hyungwon's idea of professionalism.

After he had showered, brushed his teeth and slipped into a loose shirt and tight pants he knocked on Hoseok’s door, for some reason forgetting that he actually didn't care about social norms when it came to the other man.   
  
“Mhm,” Hoseok hummed behind the door. Not hesitating for long Hyungwon ripped open the door and leaned against the door frame, grinning.

“So, when will you record with me?”

_ Just pretend that he didn't make you cry. The last person who did that was that piece of shit telling you that you're too attached and touchy-feely. _ _   
_ __   
Hoseok looked up from his table where he was scribbling something furiously.   
  
“Me? You wanted me to do it?” He seemed genuinely surprised and lifted a pile of papers with notes scribbled all over it. “I wrote it down so you could play it yourself or someone else you want to play it.” There were about three pages filled.

_ Oh god _ .

“Of course I want you to play it. I can play piano but I'm a robot with uncoordinated sticks as fingers compared to your magic hands.” Hyungwon’s eyes widened, still disbelieving that Hoseok had been writing music sheets for him in the past one and a half hours.   
  
“Okay. When do you want to record it?” He took the pile and put it in the bin under the table as if it was some cum stained tissue. Standing up he went to a box and grabbed a shirt, pulling it over his head and covering his muscular chest and abs.

Hyungwon swallowed carefully. How could he just throw something he spent so much time on away?

“W-why did you throw the sheet music away?”   
  
Hoseok met his gaze and smiled.   
  
“We don’t need it. I know it by heart.” The blonde left the room and stopped in front of the coffee machine, turning it on and waiting for the heating sound. “You want to record now?”

_ Hyungwon, get your shit together. You're acting like a high school boy in front of his senior high crush. _

Just like in those cheesy gay rom coms Hyungwon had watched as a teen.

He relaxed his features and grinned. Talent wasn't something to be freaked out by, but rather used and cherished.

“Sure if that's fine with you. I'll just have to get my equipment out of my recording corner in my room. I'm usually too lazy to go to the studio unless it's voice recording so I do almost everything at home.” He already walked towards his room, trying to remember where he put his piano mic. The last time he used it had been for a really simple accompaniment. He had wanted it to sound human instead of computer generated. There was always more feeling and sincerity.   
  
“As you want. Just tell me when you’re ready.” Hoseok pushed the button and looked at the coffee dripping down into his cup. Hyungwon watched him, gaze moving along his body.

“Why did you call a reporter to my room?”

It was sudden and completely out of context, but Hyungwon couldn't help wanting to solve the fucking dissonance. Hoseok was calm and sweet, rather inexperienced but willing to help immediately if something was off, why would he stab anybody in the back like that? Was that a general thing he did? Was he pretending?

Hyungwon couldn't tell. Usually he was good with reading people but even during sex, when Hyungwon had the least difficulties, Hoseok kept saying confusing things. It was strange.   
  
“You knew?” Hoseok looked strangely calm, taking his cup and walking towards the couch. “I told her to come because she wanted to pester you and me separately. I wrote her to fuck off after we went to the prep room, because we weren’t there apparently. My manager told me to act nice with you so I did, and I told you why I did it.” His red lips touched the cup slowly, sipping on the liquid, too hot to take a big gulp.

Hyungwon couldn't help the anger boiling in his veins. As always his strategy was superiority and sarcasm, smirk reappearing on his lips.

“Lovely, so you thought that pretending to be friendly and trying to get me drunk was an awesome problem solving strategy. I'm proud of you, sweetheart. Really.” He rolled his eyes and also made himself coffee, needing something to occupy his hands with.   
  
“I told you I was pretending. I never said it was sincere. Why? Did you think it was? And it was easier for me to drink with you than to play for you. But in the end I did, as you may remember.” His eyes looked different. Hoseok’s face looked different, something was off.

Hyungwon felt uncomfortable again, feeling like control of the situation kept slipping from his fingers. It was easier when Hoseok was naked, emotions and expressions easier to identify.

“I thought you genuinely wanted to drink with me. Possibly get some of the misunderstandings out of the way. Unless you're actually a fucking asshole of course.” He frowned, grabbing his coffee cup and taking a sip, not giving a shit about the temperature. As long as it wasn't cold he was fine.   
  
“I genuinely wanted to drink because I genuinely didn’t want to play. I never thought I’d get called an asshole by you. It’s like the devil telling baby jesus that he didn’t behave well.” Hoseok took another sip. “Can you tell me what your problem is? Because until now you are just throwing strange arguments at me that don’t make any sense.” The blonde lifted his legs up and curled his arms around them. What the fuck, Hoseok? Now was not the time to look cute.   


“I didn’t want to play your fucking song and because of that you went all out and told people I have neither talent nor any respect for music. How is that in any way related to me playing your song? What right did you have to say that, Hoseok? Of course I consider you an asshole,” Hyungwon huffed, anger turning into an unpleasant ache in his chest. He wanted to see Minhyuk and complain about something absolutely irrelevant and hear about Jooheon’s new rap, instead of hanging in the kitchen with someone who had the arguing abilities of a three-year-old. And also sat like one. Fuck.   
  
“I don’t like the stuff I produce either. But you said my music is shit without knowing me. I play piano for twenty years and even in the shitty music I produce, there is a tiny little bit of me in it, things I wrote. I don’t think you have the right to be mad at me. Furthermore, I told the interviewer that I think that my opinion on you should be considered irrelevant because you’re doing your thing and I’m doing mine. They made a hate interview out of those snippets. Well, that’s how it is I guess. Consider me an asshole then. I don’t even know why I care.” Hoseok closed his eyes and breathed in and out audibly.

Oh. Hyungwon hadn’t known that they adjusted the interview, but actually it had been childish to assume they presented everything exactly the way he had said it. It was naive even. The one thing Hyungwon kept accusing Hoseok of. Still he felt angry at being called someone who had no respect for music.

“Why did you claim that I have no respect for music though? What made you think that? And what makes you think I have no talent? I just can’t see where you would get that information from.”   
  
Hoseok sighed, eyes still closed, hugging his legs tighter.   
  
“I didn’t mean that you had no respect for music. I meant that you had no respect for people, just assuming whatever. I don’t think you have no respect for music. You are music.” He rested his his chin between his knees.

Ehm, what? He was music? That made no sense whatsoever and sounded like those cheesy, straight romance movies. Maybe Hoseok and him were busy acting out their respective favourite rom com, be it straight or gay?

_ Why the fuck would he say that you are music, Hyungwon? _

“I have a lot of respect for people,” Hyungwon began instead, deciding to ignore the weird comment about him being music.

“You for example. You are an amazing pianist, Hoseok, which is why I need you to play that melody for my track. If I don’t get it I’d be really pissy for days because I hate it when something sounds incomplete. You know that feeling when you know exactly what you want but you’re frustrated cause it’s just not what you wanted it to be? I hate that fucking feeling. Since you played that melody change, I know I need it.” Well, there went his pride and need for good music. He loved writing music and if he needed to tell Hoseok some truth about his opinion of him then here he was. He still considered him childish sometimes and unable to deal with emotions, but well, still an amazing musician.

Hyungwon wasn't perfect either. Suffering from attachment issues and being unable to give people space. Everybody had their own thing.

_ No time for self pity, Hyungwon. Get that damn melody recorded already. _ _   
_ __   
“No need to compliment me. Let’s record when you’re ready,” Hoseok muttered into his knees.

Was he okay? Since he had told Hyungwon that he was music for some reason he hadn’t looked up. As if he was hiding from something in his knees.

_ Whatever, Hyungwon. Give him some space and look for that piano mic. _

Groaning from the complexity of it all, Hyungwon went to his room, looking through a few shelves and drawers of his recording desk, looking for the microphone and hoping to find it soon enough. By the time he opened the fourth drawer filled with old music, various cables and types of microphones he finally found the right one, pretty marine blue color and still in one piece. Perfect.

“I found it!” he called from the room, full of excitement and embarrassing himself. He was way too happy about this.

He went to the living room, adjusting the mic and placing it inside the grand piano, going through some of the settings to get it right. He wanted to hear every little change in the sound strength. When Hoseok decided to let his hands caress a key instead of pressing it down he needed to fucking hear that.

“Done,” he murmured finally, staring at his work and worrying about his emotional state when Hoseok would begin playing again. He took his laptop from his room and turned on the guide, removing the melody to record it anew. Letting Hoseok hear it for the first two minutes before turning it off.  
  
Hoseok stood up and moved to the piano slowly, sitting down and getting ready, eyes closed and head tilted to the left.

“Fuck, I love it when you play. Makes me feel things,” Hyungwon murmured without even thinking about it, heartbeat already picking up although Hoseok hadn’t even started yet.   
  
It got worse when he did. Eyes closed, same dark melody but this time the desperation was almost visible, chords cutting through him like a knife. Hoseok didn’t look that okay either, biting down on his lower lip and the fast precise movements emotionally loaded. Hyungwon wanted to hug him and make him feel better, fighting the feelings that were forcing themselves onto him, drowning him in negative memories. He wasn’t supposed to cry, how crazy was that? Crying everytime Hoseok played, or jumping him and convincing him to sleep with him.

_ You really have a thing for forcing yourself on people, don’t you, Hyungwon? _

Shit, the music was influencing the way he thought, hands shaking at his sides, resources all pulled into keeping himself in place and stable, ready to thank Hoseok when it was over instead of just crying on the ground and pitying himself.

_ Why did you even write that song, Hyungwon, if it affects you so much? _

His eyes burned although he really didn’t want them too, nails hurting his palms and stinging, but not enough to fight the burning heat running down his cheeks.

_ Because you keep believing that writing down a problem and externalizing it makes it fade away. _

_ It doesn’t. _

_ You’re still a worthless piece of shit, just like you always were. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday to our amazing, talented, long-legged, mesmerizing and smart muse Chae Hyungwon!!!!
> 
> The Characters will show themselves more and more with each chapter.
> 
> To get a feeling for the lyrics of Hyungwon's song we would recommend to listen to Halsey - Trouble
> 
> Next Update on January 16th at 4 PM CET.
> 
> We write one character each,  
> @Hichanchen writes Hyungwon (and Minhyuk+Jooheon) and  
> @Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok (and Kihyun+Changkyun)
> 
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	9. 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You should control your mouth! Being like that to people can make them kill you. What the fuck did you say to get treated like that?”

Hoseok didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want anything after Hyungwon made him play the devastating melody. His senses blurred and he felt like jumping out of the fucking window, which would’ve been in vain because they were on the ground floor.   
  
The other kept asking uncomfortable questions, absolutely irrelevant and not fitting to his emotional state at all. Why did he even care? Why did he care about his sincerity, about his reasons - about anything concerning his opinion or what kind of person he was, how he thought and why?  
  
 _Why? Why the fuck is he so interested, Hoseok? Because he wants to know more to be able to torture you better? Or because he wants to make fun of you, being so close to him yesterday?_  
  
Hoseok had made him faint, so he had to atone for his sins by being nice and doing what he asked, including this damn melody. He had just played it without thinking because he hadn't listened to the lyrics. He would’ve realized the unfitting accompaniment immediately. He had made a terrible mistake. He had made a lot of terrible mistakes. The first one had been playing it, second had been altering it, making himself miserable and Hyungwon cry and third looking up the lyrics.   
  
_Why did you do it, you idiot? Why the fuck are you so interested, Hoseok? You don’t need his personality, just feel the music and move on._   
  
He changed it, sitting in his room for almost two hours, coming up with a succession of chords and notes to bring out the lyrics. Chae Hyungwon’s fucking desperate lyrics. Why didn’t he write about gay romance, or torturing people, or sexual behaviour towards strangers? He didn’t. He wrote about mental and physical abuse and Hoseok couldn’t play the previous version anymore. It was much worse, much much worse, ‘jumping out of the window’ worse, ‘sinking into a dark void and suffocate in it’ worse.   
  
Hoseok silently hoped that someone else would play it, but doubted that Hyungwon would find someone with that level of skill. Still, he wrote down every part meticulously, pointing out every step in the music sheets.   
  
Surprise motherfucker. He had to play it and he felt like dying already, placing his hands on the keys after the unnecessary discussion that made everything worse.   
  
He moved his fingers over the keys. The proximity of the other man fueled his desperation, chest clenching as the minor chords ripped his lungs into pieces and he had trouble breathing properly. He felt like dying and the worst thing about the whole situation was, he felt Hyungwon dying too.   
  
_Hyungwon can feel it. He could feel it from before too._  
  
So what? Why would it matter whether his asshole flatmate could feel his music? It didn’t.  
  
It didn’t.  
  
Until Hoseok looked at him.   
  
_Fuck._ _  
_ __  
Chae Hyungwon just stood next to him and cried, not caring about his equipment still recording although it was absolutely silent. His hands were clenched into fists and his big eyes were staring somewhere at the keys.  
  
Hoseok had never been a person of logical reasoning, at least not in the rational way. He was absolutely sure that the outcome of a situation was much more complex than just one’s behaviour at a specific time and in a specific place. There were so many factors that he considered it best and easier to do what he wanted, so he did.   
  
He stood up, chest still in pain from the agonizing experience and closed the distance, wiping off a tear from the beautiful face. Hyungwon looked up to him but didn’t react, lips trembling and tears just pooling until they spilled over onto his cheeks. He made absolutely no sound, just soft breaths leaving his lips instead of sobs.  
  
He was beautiful. Hoseok didn’t really think about the right thing to do in a situation like that, or about reasons for thinking a guy crying was something he considered ethereal. He just curled his arms around the thin waist and touched the other man’s lips with his softly. The piece was beautifully emotional this time, flowing like those tears that he could taste, salty and warm like a sea, Beethoven - ‘Moonlight Sonata’.

Hyungwon’s eyes widened, right in front of Hoseok’s, so close that he couldn’t even focus properly, just knowing that they were open with the way his body tensed in Hoseok’s arms. Remaining like that for a few seconds the other man breathed out slowly through his nose and kissed back, body remaining frozen but lips warm and alive against Hoseok’s.   
  
_ He’s hurt. _   
  
Hoseok’s hand went up Hyungwon’s back, drawing circles, other hand pressing the stiff body closer. 

“I- I’m sorry, Hoseok. I don’t know why I’m crying either.” Hyungwon’s voice was weak, new tears constantly gracing his cheeks.   
  
“I would’ve cried if you didn’t. So I’m thankful I don’t have to be the one,” Hoseok breathed against his soft lips and kissed them, wish to melt down in the melody replacing any coherent thought, proximity not enough to feel it. 

Hyungwon nodded, slowly wrapping his arms around Hoseok’s neck, carefully, as if he wasn’t sure whether it was a good idea or not. His lips parted, licking over Hoseok’s lower lip tenderly, staining his face with the remaining tears. It was so different this time. It was not about the suffocating tension and the steady melodical buildup but a tender flowing of sounds just there, in the background, not forcing him to act on anything. He just felt and melted into it. He wanted to melt into Hyungwon.   
  
_ It’s about music, Hoseok. It still is. You are like this because he’s music. _   
  
Hoseok didn’t have enough vocabulary to express what he thought or to comfort the beautiful man in his arms, so he just did what he could. With his touch, his body and his lips, moving along the desperation and sadness of the notes, trying to distract and make it better, somehow. His chest felt like ripping apart because of those tears. He raked one hand through the other’s black hair, holding and stroking it tenderly.

“Please hold me, Hoseok,” Hyungwon whispered, voice barely there, eyes closed and breathing in deeply, as if he wished to forget himself, forget everything.   
  
“I know,” Hoseok breathed back and tightened his arms around him, pressing him unbelievably close, but still not close enough. Lips found the plump ones in a matter of seconds, as if on autopilot, licking the wet salty liquid away, placing soft kisses around it. 

“I rationally know that I shouldn’t cry and that I’m supposed to be okay, but science isn’t on my side today,” he mumbled, light but sad smile on his lips. “I hate myself.”   
  
“Don’t.” Hoseok stroked over his head softly and buried his nose in the crook of the taller man’s neck, breathing in his vanilla scent, so intoxicating and sweet. 

He wanted to cry, like an idiot, but he held himself back, because Hyungwon was so incredibly sad and looked so incredibly sad and Hoseok was hit in the face with all the devastating music like a fucking wrecking ball, smashing everything and himself. 

“Fuck, I have a gig soon and I’m a mess.” Hyungwon looked to the ceiling, probably trying to get his emotions under control, hands holding onto Hoseok tightly.   
  
_ It goes until here, Hoseok.  _   
  
Lifting his head from Hyungwon’s neck, Hoseok removed the couple of tears that were rolling down the other man’s cheek and peeled his big hands off himself, holding them instead.    
  
“You better not put this song on and cry in a club like a baby. Plus, I think the mic is still recording. Would be a nice remix with ‘science is not on my side today’ and ‘hold me, Hoseok’.” He smiled and placed a last small kiss on the other’s soft, salty lips. “Let me bring you some water.” He loosened his grip on the long fingers and let them fall down before walking to the kitchen, trying to get his shit together and pretending to get a glass of water. 

Hyungwon was running around in panic, turning off the mic and fumbling around with stuff in his room. Probably getting ready for his gig. 

“Hoseok, I’m so fucking sorry you had to see that. Thanks for recording it. I’ll show you when it’s done. I have to leave in 30 minutes and I have only eaten a fucking sandwich. fuck,” the other man exclaimed while running past Hoseok, opening the fridge and grabbing a banana, before disappearing back into his room.   
  
“No worries.” His whole body was tingling and he needed to calm the fuck down from the emotional rollercoaster that was inside him. “I’ll sleep before going to the company. Have fun,” he added and went directly to his room. 

“I have no idea why I remembered that piece of shit, Minhyuk, but I just fucking cried my eyes out like a little b-” He heard Hyungwon’s voice, talking to someone on the phone. Not long after, he heard the apartment door fall into its lock.    
  
Hoseok couldn’t imagine a person that would make Chae Hyungwon cry. It should've been the other way around. Must have been some exceptional motherfucker. They probably matched well. 

_Why would you care, Hoseok? Better eat something, you mental person._ _  
_ _  
_His stomach ate itself. Yummy. He didn’t have anything but coffee and the last proper food intake must’ve been sometime in between moving the boxes to the new apartment.  
  
 _Shit, Hoseok, you can’t eat music, you will die._  
  
Packing a couple of bags into his backpack he decided to go grocery shopping because Chae only ate sandwiches.   
  
It was a nice change of surroundings, the new quarter being exactly his thing, small shops and bars everywhere, pretty open-minded people and not snobby at all. He walked back, taking big steps while listening to his favourite Liszt piece, bose noise-cancelling doing an amazing job.   
  
_Liszt is amazing, sweetie, but what about your sick relationship to your flatmate?_ _  
_ _  
_That on the other hand wasn’t quite as amazing but equally complicated. He didn’t really think about him going gay for music, because it was absolutely relatable and if the maestro was a man then that was how it had to be. The end. He didn’t like dick. He never did and he also didn’t now. He looked at objectively hot dudes and felt fucking nothing, so he didn’t have to worry at all.  
  
 _How about crying in your arms and everything? Also okay?_  
  
Yes. Because the song was sad as fuck and Hoseok himself had almost cried at the devastating lyrics, melting with the melody he composed. Hyungwon had looked ethereal with tears rolling down his cheeks and he had said ‘hold me, Hoseok’ so of course Hoseok had to hold him, considering the fact that he had thrown him around and made him faint, naked on the bathroom floor and also because Hyungwon was so fucking beautiful. But on the other hand he had also made a sandwich and coffee and composed that melody and even wrote it down, although he hadn’t needed to. Fuck.   
  
_This is sick, Hoseok._ _You can play when he's around, what is this?_  
  
Well, maybe they were kind of getting along with each other? It was something nice after all, much better than kicking each other in the balls. Right?  
  
 _You fucked him. You fucked him, Hoseok. What kind of sick reasoning is this?_ _  
_ __  
Yes, but it was because of the music and the concerto. It had felt amazing and he had never felt something similar before. He would’ve fucking killed for it so in conclusion everything was okay and fucking worth it.  
  
Hoseok was a master in making sense of bullshit. 

Everything felt right. He had moved out, had an annoying flatmate who also kind of was his muse and made him feel music by touching him, made him able to play as if he was alone and, well, other stuff, which was okay because the intensity of body contact matched with the complexity and duration of the music and made perfect sense afterwards. Music was logical like that, what was there to think about?   
  
His mental dispute was interrupted by a phone call from Kihyun. Bags barely on the kitchen counter, he picked up hastily.   
  
“Everything okay, Hoseok? Did you unpack already?” His manager seemed sincerely interested. Yoo Kihyun wasn't someone who involved himself with irrelevant smalltalk, that quality being one of the reasons Hoseok genuinely liked the short man. 

“No, only the music sheets. I wanted to drop by the company later anyway, are there new schedules popping up?” He hoped to hear a no because he just wanted to sit at home, look like shit and play piano. 

“I think you will have to drop by now. Min Yoongi is here, remember him?” Of course he remembered him, his friend from university. They hadn’t seen each other for almost a year, Kihyun too probably, since he had finished his music management studies and started working with Hoseok. 

They were like some kind of gang, music gang. Well, apart from Changkyun. Who the fuck studied neuroscience anyway?

He promised to come over immediately and started unpacking the bags filled with food, putting everything in the fridge quickly so it wouldn't rot. 

_

 

Hoseok felt super excited to see Yoongi, one of those few people who felt similar passion towards the piano. He spotted the black-haired man through the huge glass wall, sitting on a chair in the conference room, talking to the company representative. 

_ Wait, what the fuck? Why the fuck is he even here? _

Hoseok was way too slow to realize if things were off. The representative saw him almost immediately and waved to join them. 

Yoongi wanted him to record a CD. A CD of him playing Liszt. And the company agreed because he didn't have schedules and the CD was a collaborative work from a couple of university graduates to promote the study programs. Nothing too big and nothing that would have interfered with his singing job. 

_ Fuck yes.  _

He agreed. Of course he did. He was so incredibly happy.

And so fucking scared.

Again. 

It was complicated. He felt excited about being able to play piano for a whole two or three weeks without having any annoying singing schedules, and especially the fact that it was Liszt. It was his favourite composer of classical music, one he felt a strange connection to. The music was so fitting and able to describe every possible emotion.

But then there was this problem. The reason why he didn't like to play for other people. 

_ Because you suck.  _

He felt so pressured that he couldn't breathe, like he was making mistakes, wasn't sincere and didn't feel the music, moving his hands mechanically, anxiety flowing through his veins instead of chords and melodies. Hoseok had tried to suppress it, to ban it, but had ended up crying and not touching the piano. He had been hating himself and everything about it, detesting every cell of his body, not eating for days and trying to die until Changkyun would come and force-feed him.

Shit. 

He needed to record it, but it was like playing for people. He knew it was pressure, pressure to be perfect, to do the legendary composer justice, to not be disappointed in himself.

Again.    
  
_ But what about Hyungwon? You played just fine with his muse hands over your shoulders. _   
  
Yes, but he couldn’t get involved with him like that, using him for his own anxiety problems only because he happened to be the one person that made Hoseok feel music and play piano like some kind of genius, feeling every fucking sound, muscles moving just right and mind flowing along.    
  
_ Like it should be, for a real pianist. _   
  
But it wasn’t like that and the other man’s presence didn’t change anything about that fact. It was about him not being good enough for this and agreeing to something that was bound to fail.    
  
It was eight when he sat down at his piano, dressed in black sweatpants and a black tank top. It was really warm for late autumn, the heating turned on like in a sauna. Chae Hyungwon probably froze his ass off because of the stick-like body.   
  
He started with an easier piece, if it was even legit to say that about any of Liszt’s compositions. It felt okay, maybe he just needed more practice. Much more practice, practice until his hands fell off.  
  
Hoseok just played. There was nothing else there, just sound and him hitting the keys and pressing the pedals. There was nothing but there also was something new about it, each one of the compositions mingling together with him. Chae Hyungwon and all those times he made him feel those chords first hand. 

At this point Hoseok was not sure whether the other man was music from the start or had become music in the process. Everything was a huge pile of confusion, sucking him in like a black hole. There was the picture of golden, sweaty skin tingling under his fingertips like a string instrument, images of the beautiful face, tears flowing over the blushed cheeks and the hesitation with which Hyungwon curled his arms around Hoseok’s neck, chords giving all the images emotions that shouldn’t have been there in the first place.    
  
Everything was a giant mess.   
  
_ What the fuck are you doing, Hoseok? _

  
  


***

 

His harsh breaths echoing off the wall were the only sound in the restroom, filling out the silence but not making it any more bearable. Hyungwon was sitting on the ground, back resting against the cold tiles and head resting on his knees, probably looking just as miserable as he felt.

_ Why are you so affected by what people say, Hyungwon? Didn’t you get over that? _

Another shaky breath left his lips, walls returning it as if reminding him that he was sitting on the restroom floor in a club after the end of a performance, the only patron left in the building. He shouldn’t have let Hoseok adjust the melody. He fucking shouldn’t have.

Images that had been gone, buried under a thick layer of ignorance and coping strategies, were released from their confinement and sent to torture Hyungwon to insanity. Words he had been told and things that were done to him constantly repeated and replayed in his head, convincing him to believe them all.

_ But why would they? You already do. _

He had to get his shit together and go home. Home that didn’t consist of him and sweet Jooheon anymore but the person who insulted his relationship to music and ripped whatever wall he had built up inside of his head from his grasp with a few piano notes. Had Hyungwon known that efforts were so easily ripped to shreds he might not have bothered in the first place. He would have just wailed in misery instead of fucking fighting his own mental fight like an idiot.

Hyungwon’s taste in men had always been shit and today hadn’t been an exception. He should have known that the guy he made out with after his gig just wanted to force him into some weird kinky shit, basically hitting his head against the bathroom wall so hard that he almost passed out. His wrists still burned, damn. Releasing an unsteady sigh he felt stable enough to stand up, throwing his leather jacket over his shoulders and washing his hands and face. His wrists really looked raped. He’d have to do something about that at home, rub some salve on and hope that his head was fine. That had been one damn strong blow.

_ Just go home, Hyungwon and don’t think about it. _

It was difficult to just turn off his thoughts, even if he knew that he should have. He had been genuinely scared for a few seconds, pressed against a wall and unable to move. His instincts had saved his ass, probably in more ways than one. Hyungwon wasn’t even sure what he had wanted to prove to himself by finding a man to hook up with. That he was fine? That he was able to do whatever?

_ That you’re not worthless but desirable? _

He had been an idiot. He never felt the need to hook-up for any reason besides the desire to get off. Whatever Hoseok’s melody had done to him he wanted it undone. He had been perfectly fine. Fine without remembering all that shit and feeling like he had to prove something to himself, just to burn in a hell pit instead.

Leaving the building, everything seemed much more real, cold air hitting his lungs and taking the drowsiness away, eyes wide open and blood pumping through his veins with vigor. He had to be himself and he had to not give a shit, be glad that Hoseok had blessed him with those talented hands of his and added mind-blowing beauty to his piece. There was really something about the other man when it came to music.

_ Why don’t you let him wipe your fucking tears again if you feel so shitty, Hyungwon? Worked the first time. _

Hyungwon was so damn confused. Nothing Hoseok did made sense unless he played piano. Everything was perfectly clear when he played, every emotion fully expressed with each chord his fingers created. However, everything around it was a mystery. Sexual attraction was something Hyungwon could deal with. He had it all the time when he saw someone to his liking, but sexual attraction was only applicable to a certain degree and wiping someone’s fucking tears and kissing them while doing so was not one of them. Hoseok was going against all possible sex laws. 

Hyungwon didn’t care if there even were any sex laws. He just knew that Hoseok was sure as hell breaking them.

_ Why the hell would you sleep with your roommate anyway? You have him on your ass for the next year, why would you do that? _

Hyungwon had been sexually attracted since the sauna incident, so whenever the possibility was given it was rather hard to say no. Especially when it had been meaningless and just for fun, getting each other off and letting the muscular man fulfill all of his corruption fantasies. Even Minhyuk had agreed that he’d have let Hoseok fuck him as well had he been in the situation. Anger turning into lust was just mind-blowingly attractive.

However, there was much more to that. Hyungwon himself didn’t really care about having fallen asleep in Hoseok’s bed. It had just meant less nightmares and more hugging, both things the DJ enjoyed very much. Everything else on the other hand had been plain weird. Hoseok constantly said things that didn’t mean anything in the current context, muttering that something stopped when Hyungwon left, that he knew Hyungwon would feel something.

_ That you are music. _

All of those things sounded strangely affectionate and like something much more serious than having a little bit of fun. 

Hoseok shouldn’t have kissed him when he had cried. Shit.

No matter how much compassion you felt for someone and how devastated they were. You couldn’t just kiss whomever to calm them down. That’s not how it worked. They were roommates and semi-enemies. Semi-enemies that fucked once and were not in a relationship to wipe tears.

Fuck, Hyungwon was vulnerable when he got emotional and getting comforted like that affected him more than he could handle. Back when he had sat on the bathroom floor his first thought had been to run home and let Hoseok hug him, make him forget that he felt dirty and used. 

_ Shit, Hyungwon. Fucking stop, write a song and get over it. _

Right, that was exactly what he should've been doing, just pouring everything into a song and let it go.

Whatever was going on inside Hoseok’s head, it needed to get its wishes under control and then make proper behavioural choices instead of angry-fucking Hyungwon and kissing his tears away.

_ You had enough people twisting you around their little finger, Hyungwon. You decided that it is your turn now, so fucking pull through with it. _

The apartment door was right in front of his nose, thoughts and feet carrying him back like in a dream-like haze. He wasn’t quite sure whether he felt ready yet, but he had to be. He shared his apartment and he had to deal with his roommate, preferably asleep.

He really missed Jooheon.

Opening the door, he tiptoed up the one flight of stairs before he could hear piano notes outside the door. Hoseok must have been playing piano - at 4AM like a mental person.

_ Why are you even surprised, Hyungwon? _

He sighed and opened the door, putting less effort into being quiet and entered the apartment, throwing his shoes to the side. It was pitch-black, all lights turned off and even the moonlight wasn’t able to show more than the silhouette of the furniture. Hoseok wasn't only playing piano at 4AM, he was playing in the dark, fingers finding the keys without problems and eyes closed, pale skin reflecting the light a little and making it easier to recognize him.

He was fucking mental.

“Hoseok?” Hyungwon asked carefully, waiting for the right moment in the quick succession of notes to insert his short interruption. He wasn't sure why he was being so careful, probably worried that Hoseok might be too out of it if he broke the music clumsily.    
  
The other man didn’t react at all. He just kept playing with his eyes closed, breathing steadily but sounding a little strained. 

That wasn't too surprising. After all, Hoseok himself had said that he tended to be too much into the music and didn't realize anything. Why the hell wasn't he sleeping anyway? 

Hyungwon walked over to the piano and placed his hands on Hoseok’s shoulders, calling the other man's name again. Standing right next to him the piece sounded familiar, one that the pianist had played in his presence before.   
  
That was some crazy body jerking. The other man turned around, grabbing his hands and staring up in the dark. Hyungwon winced visibly at the contact, holding his breath and keeping still. The pianist’s eyes were huge and his cheeks were wet. Hoseok was playing piano like a mental person at four in the morning while crying his eyes out. 

Shit. Why did they continuously get themselves into such situations? It was like painting your weaknesses on your forehead instead of hiding them. Hoseok must have been playing something he had an emotional connection to. 

“Ehm, it's four in the morning Hoseok and-” Hyungwon attempted to free his wrists, sudden pain signalling to his brain to spare them. “That kinda hurts.”   
  
“Ah, it’s you,” Hoseok breathed out, still holding his wrists, a small smile spreading on his lips while he lifted his body from the chair.

Hyungwon couldn't help a roll of his eyes, wrists still burning like a bitch. He should really work on his decision making skills, since getting almost raped in a bathroom hadn't been a good one. 

“Blondie, I live here. Who the fuck else could it be?”   
  
Hoseok let his wrists go and walked over to the switch, turning the lights on and going to the fridge afterwards. The blonde got a fresh banana out and went over to him, handing him the fruit.    
  
“How was the gig?”

Why was he so nice? It felt like Hyungwon was missing something. The other man was all relaxed about having cried like a baby in front of Hyungwon, just stuffing a fucking banana in his face. A banana he was grateful for though. 

He rubbed his wrists and just said a typical phrase, nothing really meaningful. He didn't want to talk about his performance and especially not what happened afterwards. Then he just smiled quickly, accepting the banana and almost immediately deep throating it, relaxing at the sweet taste in his mouth.

“You?” he asked, barely recognisable because of the banana mass in his mouth.    
  
“What the fuck did you do?” Hoseok’s huge eyes stared at his wrists. 

Crap. He should have thought about this. Jooheon had been fucking blind when it came to things like that. Inhaling the rest of the banana he tried to pull his shirt further over the bruises, hiding them only partially. 

“Nothing really, just got hurt out of stupidity,” he answered, amazed that he hadn't really lied. He was indeed stupid, pathetic and stupid in a detrimental combination. He couldn't help but smile at his own inability to get over something when one and a half years had already passed.   
  
“Looks like someone tried to kill you because of your stupidity. I did Taekwondo for twelve years. It looks like someone really wanted to hurt you badly. What the fuck?” Hoseok grabbed one arm and dragged Hyungwon’s whole body with it, looking at the wrist and back to his face.

Shit. Why the fuck did a pianist do martial arts? What for? And especially why hadn't Hoseok used it to beat the shit out of him yet? 

“That's bullshit, Hoseok. It's like a nurse saying she knows your diagnosis because she participated in first aid courses. Taekwondo is a controlled fighting sport and has nothing to do with real life situations,” Hyungwon pointed out, trying to free his wrist in vain. He really didn't want to explain this. 

_ Hope that your head is okay.  _

Hoseok let go of the hurting wrist and glared at him.    
  
“Don’t want to talk about this? Then don’t, just don’t try to bullshit me.” The blonde turned around and walked over to the coffee machine, at 4AM. 

Sure. 

“You should sleep instead of drinking coffee. Just a guy annoying the shit out of me, nothing special.”

_ Nothing you haven't dealt with before, Hyungwon.  _

He followed Hoseok into the kitchen and watched him, leaning against the door frame and wondering at which point it was appropriate to ask why the other had cried. If he had to talk about his wrists then he wanted to know about Hoseok’s tears.    
  
“I can’t sleep. Better not sleeping with coffee than without. I told you, you don’t have to talk about this, if you don’t want to. We don’t know each other, why would you?” He took the cup and squeezed himself between Hyungwon and the doorframe, walking towards the living room. 

_ Why the fuck couldn't he sleep? _

Hyungwon followed him again, throwing himself on the couch, but feeling a little dizzy for a few seconds and clawing at the armrest before he caught himself. 

“Do you need sleeping pills?” he asked, trying to remember where he put them after the last time he used them. “Or why can't you sleep?”   
  
“Did you jump out of the building or something? You’re fucking bleeding at the back of your head.” Hoseok stared at him as if he was mental. Seconds of absolute silence filled the room with none of them moving. 

_ Fuck, so it was worse than you thought.  _

“I'm not that crazy,” Hyungwon replied, panicking at the thought of Hoseok finding out and not knowing how bad it was. Hopefully it wasn't bleeding anymore. Shit, what if he got a concussion and would feel dizzy for weeks? He couldn't afford that!   
  
“You should control your mouth! Being like that to people can make them kill you, Hyungwon. What the fuck did you say to get treated like that?” The blonde still stared at him while moving towards the kitchen slowly.

It was sudden. The words left Hoseok’s lips and instead of feeling furious, which he should have, his brain went through everything that he had said and done to figure out if he might have suggested something, anything to be called ‘a worthless bitch that had been asking for it’. It was a good question, but also enough to want to break Hoseok’s jaw.

His hands tightened into fists from the anger that spiked inside him, breathing out slowly. 

“You have no fucking idea what you are talking about, Hoseok. Not in the slightest, so don't you dare blame me for this. I do that enough by myself independent of what I tell other people,” he pressed out, eyes burning and dizziness getting worse. He felt fucking sick.   
  
The other man didn’t seem to care about his words at all, getting a wet paper towel and walking towards him, as if he didn’t insult him and his personality while not knowing shit about what was going on. Hoseok just turned him like a doll and started cleaning the blood from the back of his head.    
  
“Yeah whatever, you’ll fucking die like this, Chae Hyungwon. Fuck, the guy must’ve thrown you against a wall or hit you with some hard object. Shit, I thought it was a gig. What the fuck?” The blonde put a hand on his shoulder to keep his body in place.   


Why was Hoseok so fucking caring? Couldn't he just return to insulting Hyungwon and being cute? Not knowing what was going on and losing fights instead of ignoring him and taking care of him? Fuck. Hyungwon was an asshole in his opinion, why the hell would he do that?

“He threw me against a wall,” he answered, giving up and hoping that there wasn't too much blood. He hadn't really been in his right mind when he almost bit the guy's lip off and punched him in the dick.    
  
“Why the fuck would the asshole do that? Why didn’t anyone help you out? It’s a club for fuck’s sake!” Hoseok sounded so mad, rubbing Hyungwon’s hair furiously. 

Why was he so angry? The DJ wasn't sure if Hoseok still helped or just covered his hair in blood. 

“I was the last performer and basically no one was left, Hoseok. But shouldn't you be glad or something? I finally got what I deserve and all that buzz?” Hyungwon really didn't get how Hoseok got angry at something he had wanted to do himself before. Hurting him somehow because he infuriated him so much.    
  
The furious rubbing against his head stopped abruptly as Hoseok walked around just to stare at him, before grabbing a wrist and shoving it into his face.    
  
“Do you think I’m some kind of sadist? I could’ve killed you if I wanted to but I didn’t hurt you, at all, no matter what kind of mental shit you pulled off, including kicking me in the balls. So why the fuck do you come here looking as if someone almost killed you? What kind of sick shit is this?” The other man’s voice sounded shaky and Hoseok’s eyes went down to Hyungwon’s wrists, glancing at the visible bruises.

Hyungwon didn't know what to say, feeling uncomfortable for comparing the situations. Hoseok had indeed done nothing expect for making him faint by swirling him around like a toddler on a carousel. He chuckled bitterly, also glancing at the marks along his wrists. It looked really ugly. 

“Guess he thought it's hot.”   
  
The expression in the other man’s eyes changed and he glared up, eyes narrowed.   
  
“And you wanted that?” he asked, serious and observing every movement of Hyungwon’s face. 

He genuinely laughed, wondering how the hell he kept finding himself in these situations. Hoseok constantly got the worst out in him. The tears and everything else he disliked. 

“Nope, but I guess that was rather irrelevant.”   
  
Hoseok placed a hand on his temple, massaging it a couple of times before going back to the kitchen and coming back with another wet paper towel and some cool packs from the fridge. 

“That bad?” Hyungwon asked, worried that he'd have to actually get it checked up. He really didn't want to go anywhere right now. He found himself wishing for Hoseok to forget proper flatmate behaviour and hug him again, but that was fucking dumb. Really fucking dumb. He had friends for that.   
  
Hoseok sat down next to him and took his wrist, putting the cool pack over it and reaching for the other to do the same.    
  
“And now turn your head around and let me remove the rest.” He spoke so quietly, features soft and so different from before.    


_ Lovely, he probably pities you, thinking what a poor tiny thing you are for being abused like that, although it's your own fucking fault.  _

He turned as asked, closing his eyes and fighting his wish for bodily contract. Hoseok was his roomie for fuck's sake and in no way responsible for charity hugs. 

_ You're acting like a fucking charity case.  _

“I'm an idiot,” he just murmured, waiting for confirmation and Hoseok’s fingers against the wound on his scalp.    
  
“No you’re not.” Warm hands rubbed against the wound, carefully removing the rest of the dried blood from his hair. “You might have to see the doc. It’s not big but it bled quite a bit. I hope the guy chokes on a dick,” Hoseok murmured, getting quiet towards the end of the sentence.

Hyungwon smiled. It was sweet of Hoseok to use his favourite line. Shit, he still wanted to hug him. 

“Thank you, Hoseok,” he whispered and reached behind himself to squeeze the other man’s thigh once. “Why did you cry though and why can't you sleep?” He turned around.   
  
“That’s seems like an irrelevant problem considering you sitting here with a wound on your head and a couple of semi broken wrists. No need to thank me, it makes me seem like an asshole.” The blonde smiled a sad smile, folding the stained towels before putting them on the table.

Hyungwon must have looked creepy as fuck, going home without realizing his head was fucking bleeding. But then again his hair was black and he was just another Asian in the middle of the night. 

“Is there something that would help you sleep? Sleeping pills usually do the job for me, especially when I don't want to dream.” Hyungwon's eyes widened realizing that he'd have to watch a video of butterflies or something to avoid his brain coming up with trippy nightmares.  
  
“If there was I would’ve already taken an overdose and died. But thanks.” Hoseok smiled again and stood up. “Where’re your bandaids? You’ll have a fucking nightmare waking up on a bloody pillow.”    


Hyungwon wouldn't need the bloody pillow for that. It worked perfectly on its own, numbing his senses except for the painful thoughts. It was plain weird how Hoseok could just talk about dying without batting an eye, joking about overdosing on sleeping pills while being unable to sleep. 

Despite listening to crude jokes about serious topics Hyungwon couldn't concentrate on what they were talking about. He felt numb and the longer he looked at Hoseok the more he wanted to touch him, curl his arms around the strong shoulders and just forget his messed up thoughts and feelings. It was stupid but he couldn't help it, yearning stronger than his self preservation.

Smiling brightly, he stretched out his arms. 

“Do you think a hug could help you sleep?”

_ You're pathetic, Hyungwon, forcing your straight roommate that hates you to collect your feelings from the ground like an underpaid cleaning lady. All the while pretending that you do it for him.  _

_ Don't get attached just because he's nice to you, Hyungwon. He doesn't really care. _

_ No one does.  _

  
  


***

 

As the water-soaked towel turned red from the dried blood, his problems seemed so ridiculously childish and dumb. Hoseok was dumb. He was so angry and frustrated, the need to scream around like a mental person clouding his vision and numbing every rational thought. 

_ You cry because your piano playing is not to your liking and Hyungwon gets abused in a fucking club. He can't even defend himself with that paper doll body. Shit.  _

_ And you told him it's because of his personality. You dumb, selfish asshole. You know fucking nothing. _

He had no idea what to do. There was no proper model reaction to a situation like this. Every glance at the red-blue wrists made the anger boil over, wish to go, find the guy and break both of his fucking arms too prominent, tingling at his fingertips.

Hoseok didn't know what he would've done if someone tried doing it to him. He would have broken the other man's nose, or jaw, or both.   


_ You don't even hit people, Hoseok, don't lie to yourself.  _

But shit, those wrists. He felt his chest constricting, breaths irregular and agony replacing every cell of his body. But then there was Hyungwon, worrying about Hoseok’s insomnia and the self-pity crying fest. His head was bleeding and he had time to worry about Hoseok, fuck.

“Do you think a hug could help you sleep?” The brown eyes smiled just like Hyungwon’s lips. 

Fuck, he wanted to melt into him, kiss him, tell him that he'd kill anybody who would try to hurt him again.

_ But who the fuck are you to do that, Hoseok? _

He had no right but he also had no inhibition, no alternative examples for proper behaviour. He didn't care. He wanted to get rid of the frustration, of the anger that boiled over, threatening to spill everywhere. He kneeled in front of the black-haired man, arms immediately curling around the thin waist, not close enough. Hoseok wanted to have it so close that he wasn't able to breathe air, only the vanilla scent. Only that. 

It was as if Hyungwon's body tonus flowed out of his muscles like coffee out of a cup, melting into the embrace and curling his arms around his neck, left hand stroking along the nape and over the fine hair. Hoseok could hear him inhaling deeply and holding his breath. 

The sweet scent spread in his nose while he slowly sank his head into the crook of Hyungwon’s neck. He should've controlled his actions but it was impossible, lips placing a soft kiss against the warm skin. 

Hyungwon's breath hitched and he tightened his arms even further, inhaling the scent of Hoseok’s hair and slowly clasping his legs around his waist. He seemed so desperate, clinging onto him with everything he had, fingers threading into a few strands of his blonde hair. 

Hoseok hugged back. He touched and he kept placing soft kisses against the other man's neck, hoping that it would get better without any rationality backing up his dumb behaviour. Hands stroking up and down the lower back, he felt like melting at Hyungwon’s touch and the desperation which the other could make him feel, just by being close. The music was so fucking sad and agonizing. Shit, he wanted to do everything, just so the minor chords would turn into something that didn't stab his insides. 

Hyungwon just held onto him, remaining rigid in his arms and pressing himself further against his chest, as if he just wanted to disappear inside Hoseok and never reappear again. His breaths sounded strained, fingers pulling Hoseok’s hair, probably subconsciously. 

“Why am I like this?” he whispered and his voice was dangerously unstable, like someone who was about to cry. 

Hoseok stood up, Hyungwon’s body still clenching around him, and walked over to his room, taking slow steps and stabilizing the person in his arms. He stopped in front of the bed and sank onto it, still hugging the DJ.

“Sleep here. With me, next to me,” he whispered into the warm neck, pressing the body closer, so much closer. He didn't want to let go. It was something he needed.

Hyungwon froze, visibly unsure, lifting his head and looking at Hoseok. His eyes reflected the dim lights from outside, wet but no tears were flowing down his cheeks. He was beautiful, eyes big and vulnerable, mouth slightly open. It was so different from the confident and teasing way he usually held himself. 

After what could have been moments or seconds the beautiful man nodded, burying his head in Hoseok’s shoulder and curling his long limbs tightly around him, not letting go. Warm breaths were caressing his skin. 

“As you wish,” Hyungwon whispered back, his heartbeat throbbing under Hoseok’s fingertips. 

Fuck. It felt like bungee jumping into a volcano, knowing there was no rope. But it felt surprisingly okay. It was okay as long as Hyungwon was there, those abused wrists curled around Hoseok’s neck and head buried in his embrace. 

He kissed his hair, stroking it softly, afraid to hurt him by touching the wound. 

“I want to make it better,” Hoseok whispered against his warm skin. 

Hyungwon shifted a little, sliding down a bit, head resting on his chest and one leg draped over his hips. His hand grasped Hoseok’s shirt tightly and his breathing calmed down. 

“Just stay like this,” the vulnerable being on top of him murmured. Several minutes passed, chest rising and falling in uneven intervals until Hyungwon calmed completely.

He had fallen asleep. 

The watch ticked quietly, a metronome to his and Hyungwon’s breathing, his a quarter faster because he wasn't asleep. Some slow piano melody played on top, while he was thinking about his current state. 

Hoseok didn't know. He had no fucking idea and suppressed the urge to run to his piano to play something. The music usually helped in embracing his feelings. 

Or Hyungwon. He should've just kissed him to numb his senses and let him fall into the burning lava of music. 

Hoseok placed his hand over the warm back that belonged to the black-haired man on top of him and felt his heartbeat, so perfect. It calmed down his own destructive flow of thoughts.

It was perfect. 

He was perfect. 

_

 

Hot breath tickled his neck when Hoseok finally decided to open his eyes. It was so incredibly warm. He tried to stretch but his body didn't move. 

It must've been the middle of the day already, sun shining brightly, colouring the walls in a reddish light, the bordeaux curtains reflecting some of it. Hoseok looked down on his chest. Hyungwon’s head was still resting on top of it, next to the other’s big hand, wrist with blue bruises all over it. He was awake for five minutes and wanted to hurt other people already. Those who dared to touch Hyungwon like that that is. 

_ He lay on top of you the whole time and you were able to fall asleep like that? What the actual fuck? Did you make up your insomnia? _

That was an interesting question. The more interesting question was, why they kept getting so close although they didn't really like each other. Maybe Hyungwon also gained something from their contact? Something similar to the music Hoseok could feel, so it was okay to be close like that

_ Was it? _

Yes, it felt so good. It felt too good. Incomparable to anything else.

Hoseok couldn't resist touching the black hair, stroking softly over the dark strands, his fingertips tingling against the warmth that came from the other man's body. He couldn't help but feel amazed at the way Hyungwon had taken up all the empty space inside him, filling it with all kinds of things and especially music. Shit, it was beautiful and he loved it. 

The other man’s body shifted a little. Face scrunching up into a pout and releasing a sigh.

“It’s too goddamn early for this shit,” he mumbled, words very unfitting to the cute facial expression. “Why am I even awake?”

“Don't know, maybe my breathing pattern changed and you got distracted from your dream.” Hoseok smiled down at him. Hyungwon looked so beautiful. “How is your head? Does it hurt?” he asked, remembering the wound from yesterday. 

The man on top of him raised his head a little to be able to look at him properly. 

“It just can’t believe you gave a serious answer to my bullshit question. Who fucking cares what woke me up? The problem is that I’m awake.” He rolled his eyes and threw his head back onto Hoseok’s chest, snuggling further against him. “I have neither brushed my teeth yesterday, nor taken off my clubbing clothes. I smell like a fucking toilet. After a sex orgy and cigarettes”

“You can do it after standing up. Take a shower and everything, but be careful so it doesn't bleed again.” Hoseok placed a hand on Hyungwon’s back.

The DJ lifted his head again, something vulnerable passing over his face as he glanced upon Hoseok’s face, but it switched to a smirk after a few moments. 

“Of course, mom,” he exclaimed, voice overly dramatic and climbing off the bed slowly, face scrunching up in distaste at his own appearance.

“I would've slapped you if I was your mom, for letting people treat you like that. And it's for my own safety. I'd be the first suspect if you die. The article is still all over the place so you better not get hurt.” Hoseok chuckled at the funny grimace Hyungwon could pull off. 

The other man’s expression was wiped clean at the mention of the events of the past night, looking uncomfortable for a few seconds, eyes unable to meet Hoseok’s. Then a smile hushed over his lips, more bitter than anything else. 

“Yeah, how could I forget,” he muttered, stood up and left the room.

Hoseok jumped up and ran after him. The stupid person would probably faint on the way and make everything worse. Closing the distance, he grabbed Hyungwon’s shoulders.

“Where the fuck do you think you are going? Did you see your head? Did you lose your brain? What the fuck?” Hoseok was worried the other would just pass out like the day before. The wound had looked pretty serious and the other man had no idea what he was doing.

Hyungwon stared right back, eyes narrowed.

“I think for losing my brain he would have to throw me harder than that. You don’t have to pretend to be worried. If it makes you happy I can just tell the press that we’re friends or some bullshit like that. Would that make your life easier?” He tried to free his shoulders from the grip and continue his path to the bathroom, but to no avail. “Don’t you have to work or something?” 

The other man’s face was downright pale, now that he was standing in a properly illuminated room.

“Go to the couch. Now,” Hoseok groaned, taking his hand and dragging him along. Shit, he wished he was pretending to be worried. He felt like riding a rollercoaster without buckling up.

That’s when Hyungwon’s eyes widened and he stopped walking, pressing a hand over his mouth. “I-I think I’m going to vomit.”

_ Shit. Bathroom, run. _

He grabbed Hyungwons body like a paper stand and ran towards the bathroom, putting him down in front of the toilet. Shit, it must've been a concussion. Hoseok had had five or six of them when he was a kid, hitting his head against walls when he couldn't play a piece perfectly. 

Just as expected Hyungwon emptied the content of his stomach into the toilet bowl, hands holding onto the lid and dry heaving after a few times. Sweat glistened on his neck and his body was shaking.

“Fuck, let's go to the hospital, Hyungwon. Shit, why are you like this?” Panic shot through his body. He wanted the other to be happy and kick him in the balls and not get semi-raped in a restroom, resulting in a concussion.

_ You're useless as fuck.  _

Hoseok sat down next to him and patted his back lightly, rubbing circles afterwards. 

“I'll be fine,” Hyungwon coughed out, looking everything but fine. “Had worse.”

“What? Worse? What are you talking about? You have to get a CT of your head or something.” 

Hyungwon laughed despite looking like shit. He shouldn't have been laughing. 

“What CT, Hoseok? I don't have time for a fucking CT. Cerebral fluid is supposed to cushion it. Why isn't it doing it's fucking job? This better not be a concussion.” The other man sounded desperate, lifting his hand in an attempt to gesture while still hovering over the toilet seat and holding on with his other hand, eyes wide and pupils blown. “Just let me sleep some more and then we'll see. I don't want to cancel anything, my whole fucking week is booked.”

“I want to choke you. Do you want to die or something? I'll help you. You better not move your destructive ass anywhere.” Hoseok was half scared and half mad at the ignorance Hyungwon showed towards his own health. 

_ Yes and you're of course the Jesus of taking care of yourself, Hoseok.  _

But it wasn't about him now. The DJ was apparently too tired to resist, nodding and resting his head on the toilet seat. 

“Can I at least have something to wash out my mouth? This is nastier than alcohol infused jizz.”

Hoseok brought a glass of water and helped Hyungwon to the couch. 

“Want to wear something else? Or are you good?” He remembered the man complaining about his clothing from last night. 

Hyungwon shook his head furiously before he stopped and held a hand over his mouth again, realizing that it had been fucking dumb.

“I smell like toilet, sex and cigarettes, remember?” he asked after a few seconds of visibly calming himself. 

“Need help changing?” Hoseok grinned, holding sweatpants and a t-shirt in his hand that he randomly grabbed from Hyungwon’s room. 

The other man looked annoyed, trying to stand up and visibly bleached when he almost fell over, sitting back down with a pained expression. He didn't affirm or deny, but it was obvious he needed help and he sure as hell didn't like it.

“I fucking hate being naked without being sexy. It's disgusting,” he exclaimed and sank even further into the cushions, head pressed into a pillow. 

“Nothing I didn't see before, sweetheart.” Hoseok laughed at his own verbal diarrhoea, but hoped that it lifted the mood and made it easier for the pale black-haired man.

“Well, go ahead I guess.” Hyungwon lifted his arms, looking like he hated everything and everybody. 

He helped Hyungwon out of his clothes, not prepared to be affected at all. Shit, something must've been wrong with him, fingers shaking like a girl touching a dick for the first time. He didn't even touch a dick, he just slid those pants down the other’s long legs, image of the smooth golden skin making it hard to breathe. He pulled the shirt over Hyungwon’s head, revealing the slim, toned body, a couple of blue bruises on his shoulders.

“I want to break his neck.” Shit, why couldn't he just shut up for once?

Hyungwon just stared at him and rolled his eyes. 

“You also wanted to break my neck before. Didn't happen though.” He shifted his long legs to help Hoseok put the sweatpants over them. “Do you consider me pretty?”

Did he? Pretty? No, it wasn't that. There was something about him but it wasn't simple, so simple that he would've described Hyungwon as pretty. 

“I would never hurt you. I hope you know that.” Hoseok stared at him, not believing what he'd heard before looking down the long legs again “Pretty? I don't know, it's complicated,” he answered truthfully, without bullshiting. It didn't seem like the right time for jokes. 

Hyungwon looked confused, unsure how he felt about the answer. Then he smirked and lifted a long leg of his, curling it around Hoseok and pushing him close enough to fall forward a little.

“Why do you keep checking me out then, sweetheart?” he asked, breath hitting Hoseok’s face. 

“Can you behave according to your state for once? You just vomited your soul out! I told you it's complicated.” Shit, his heartbeat went places. He was way more affected than he should've been in a situation like this. 

The other man just shrugged, still dissatisfied with his answer. 

“Sure, mom. But I'm feeling better. Maybe I just had an upset stomach and you don't need to bother with the hospital?” He looked hopeful, crossing both naked legs behind Hoseok, pulling him even closer. “You're weird,” he whispered in his face. 

Hoseok wanted to kiss him. 

_ Why? He has a concussion, vomited five minutes ago and you are here to help him change, why would you want to kiss him, Hoseok?  _

Hyungwon was right, he was fucking weird. But he also didn't care about being weird. He just did whatever and suffered from anxiety, depression, insomnia and hitting his head against the wall. 

Later. 

“Yup, I'm weird.” Hoseok caught Hyungwon’s chin between thumb and index finger and leaned in slowly while watching the other man's expression, before their lips touched and he closed his eyes, getting the confirmation that it was exactly what he had needed. 

Hyungwon’s soft lips opened slightly, first in shock and then on purpose, pressing back before a warm tongue licked over his bottom lip. The other man murmured something that sounded suspiciously like ‘fuck my life’ before curling his arms around Hoseok’s neck in addition. 

_ Oh god, Hoseok that's it, that’s exactly what you need.  _

He wanted to melt away, those arms curled around his neck, tying him down. Not able and not willing to move, he reached behind Hyungwon and pressed the slim body impossibly close. Fuck, it was complicated, so complicated, just like the Liszt piece that filled out his senses and rained down on him out of nowhere. 

_ You're addicted. To music. And to him.  _

His hands slid over the naked skin of Hyungwon’s back, wanting to touch every spot, every smallest part he hadn't touched yet, fingertips tingling and impatience at not being able to feel everything spreading in every cell of his body. 

Hyungwon’s heart was beating furiously under his fingertips, plump lips biting his and releasing silky moans inside his mouth. Fingers found his hair and pulled it to tilt his head, improving the angle for kissing, licking over his chin and into his mouth.

“You make me feel things,” Hoseok whispered into the warm mouth. He felt hot, bullshit, he was burning up from the inside, as if one touch of the black-haired man set his fucking soul on fire.

“And you’re always so fucking good to me. I don’t understand, I thought you didn’t find me pretty,” Hyungwon murmured back, not leaving his lips for longer than a few seconds, reattaching himself immediately and letting a hand sneak down to caress his back.

“You're like Liszt’s 'années de pèlerinage', so incredibly beautiful but so fucking complex that it hurts your brain and body.” Hoseok lost it somewhere between those lips and the burning skin under his fingers. The other’s warm mouth left the kiss for a few seconds, Hyungwon examining his facial expression before grinning.

“That’s the weirdest and most intellectual thing I have ever been told. I just don’t know whether it’s really a compliment yet. But I take what I can get, babe,” he replied and slammed his lips against Hoseok’s again, just to wince from the impact and quickly lift a hand to his head. “Fucking hell.”

“I will play it for you some time,” Hoseok commented before leaning back to see what had happened. “What's wrong?”

Hyungwon frowned and rubbed his temples, long fingers massaging specific pressure points at the level of his eyes.

“Head hurts like a bitch, but I’d much rather kiss you senseless than deal with this.” 

“Fuck, I'm so sorry. I keep doing whatever.” Hoseok wanted to facepalm, kiss-raping a person with a concussion instead of helping him change. As he should've in the first place. He took the shirt and rolled it up before leaning in and sliding it over the black hair carefully. 

“So much to not feeling like a child,” Hyungwon replied and rolled his eyes before pulling the shirt over his torso the rest of the way. “I’ll do the rest. I’m feeling okay, just not okay enough to throw my head around and jump people apparently. What a pity.” He blew Hoseok a kiss and grabbed his sweatpants, sliding them over his legs with ease, standing up and staring at Hoseok as if he expected him to do something. 

“What do you want me to do?” Better asking than staying oblivious forever. Hoseok stood up and waited for an answer. 

The other man smirked almost immediately, gaze changing to something more predatory and licking over his lips before replying.

“What _ I want _ you to do or what  _ you think _ you should be doing?”

“Uhm, what you want me to do?” Hoseok was proud of not saying anything embarrassing. 

The smirk just got wider and Hyungwon’s eyes passed from Hoseok’s face all the way down before sliding up to his face again.

“Fuck me senseless.” The other man licked over his lips again. “But I guess you won’t because you want to bring me to the hospital.”

Hoseok envied people who had at least a little control over their facial expressions. He couldn't relate. Everything was written on his face, probably in a vibrant red color. 

“You lost your fucking brain. Let's go,” he pressed out while turning around and going towards his room to change.

Why was Hyungwon like this? 

_ No, Hoseok. He was like this from the start. _

_ The real question is why are you like this? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this chapter showed a little more of both characters, but it will go deeper and it will be more intense as the story progresses.
> 
> Music reccommendations:  
> Halsey - Devil in me  
> Liszt - annees de pelerinage (1)
> 
> Next Update on January 18th at 4 PM CET.
> 
> We write one character each,  
> @Hichanchen writes Hyungwon (and Minhyuk+Jooheon) and  
> @Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok (and Kihyun+Changkyun)
> 
> Hit us up on Twitter  
> @Hichanchen  
> @Smut_Hemingway
> 
> We are extremely happy about every comment and every click. You are one of the major reasons we write. (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	10. 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Please make it go away.”

Soft piano notes sounded throughout the whole apartment. After all, a grand piano and a keyboard weren't comparable, neither in size nor in sound. Hyungwon wasn't sure how he had managed to play and record melodies on a keyboard before and be satisfied. Playing itself and generating the sounds over the synthesizer wasn't really a problem, but since Hyungwon liked to hear human inaccuracies and mistakes in his piano recordings he had always played himself. From now on he would have to rely on Hoseok’s grand piano because the sound was superior and had so much depth. He needed that shit for good tracks. 

Hyungwon loved classical music, he really did. He grew up with it and his parents made sure he learned piano and violin early, however, even Liszt turned into something you despised when your roommate kept playing the same eight pieces without a break for seven days. 

The DJ couldn't say whether it had really been without a break since he had spent most of the time sleeping and recovering from his concussion, but the way the pianist had looked in the rare cases when Hyungwon left the room to take a piss or for food, told a long story of sleep deprivation.

He didn't know what it was about and why Hoseok was playing so much, but it must have been occupying him enough to spend every living second with it, even at 5AM when Hyungwon was lying in his bed and trying to sleep. It was the last day he had to remain home and wanted to sleep a lot to be fresh like a fucking cucumber for his first performance after his break. 

Since he had been ill there were articles about his mysterious condition that nobody knew about. Hyungwon had never talked to the media before the incident with Hoseok and he had no intention on doing so now. He just wanted to be in superb condition and let that money drop into his account again instead of constantly wasting it. 

Actually Hoseok had been a good boy as usual and done something especially nice for him (except for picking up his shredded self and cuddling it until he was okay again a week ago). He had given him the same noise cancelling headphones he had wanted back when Hyungwon was having a masturbationfest. The DJ was wearing them right now, however, the dramatic notes of the Liszt piece Hoseok was playing were still passing through easily. The other must have been really into it, music loud and intense, as if Hoseok was almost standing next to Hyungwon. 

The DJ might have known better why Hoseok was as desperate as he was had he asked. But he didn't because he was a fucking coward with no decision making skills. Hoseok had helped him, taken care of him and what had he done? He started liking him like a pathetic piece of shit. His fucked up head came up with the ingenious idea that someone who was nice to him might actually love him instead of desiring his body. Ironic considering that was exactly what Hoseok had been interested in and the one thing he was actually good for. 

_ Why did you do that, Hyungwon? Are you trying to compensate? Fall for someone who is nice to you exactly once instead of loving someone who treats you like shit? Do you believe that he would stay? They never do, Hyungwon. No one actually gives a shit and Hoseok doesn't either. He's only attracted to your body like everybody else and when you're dressed you piss him off. Get your shit together and stop wishing for something you'll never receive.  _

He should have known better. After constantly going through the same thing over and over again he should have figured out how fucked up his emotional attachment was. Hoseok just helped him once, slept with him and was nice when he cried and Hyungwon already expected him to always be there, dry his fucking tears and kiss him. 

_ You're a touchy, pathetic excuse for a human, Hyungwon. Just leave him the fuck alone.  _

Hyungwon had done the only thing he managed without just attaching himself permanently to Hoseok’s side, avoiding him until he either didn't care anymore or had no tears left to cry. Getting out of Hoseok’s way had been simple, only sleeping and mainly seeing him when he went out for some bodily necessity. They hadn't talked above small talk and one or the other insult. It had been easy that way. 

_ Just that he looked devastated and you don't know what's going on because you're too afraid he’ll open up and you won't be able to say no anymore, jump body first into the whole thing, lying to yourself that he likes more than your tight ass. _

They always loved Hyungwon's tight ass.

_ Except for the one person you kept writing music about and crying, Hyungwon. If your body had been enough he wouldn't have kept his dick wet. Not even your body had been enough, don't pride yourself on nothing.  _

Hyungwon chuckled at his own inability to control his thoughts. His wrists were almost normal, just light yellow marks left and his head should have been perfectly fine by now but here he was, wishing that someone would throw him against a wall again so he could get his shit together. Either that or just faint for a while, a long while. 

The piano music was suddenly interrupted, loud dissonance of tones like a loud scream in the apartment. Hoseok must have slammed his hands on the keys. 

The silence was almost as painful as the dissonant notes. 

Hyungwon couldn't help the shock, not only at the sound but at the fact that Hoseok had overreacted like that. It had never happened before, every piece that he started was always finished. The DJ wanted to go and see whether the singer was okay, but he stopped himself, hoping to keep the distance he had worked on for the past week. 

He heard steps towards his door and expected something to happen but there was nothing. Just some shifting noise and quiet knocks against the door. 

Why would Hoseok come to him? The only time had been when he gave him the headphones.

“Yeah?” he called out, waiting for the blonde to enter. 

But there was no answer and nobody entered either. There were just the short knocks without any kind of reaction. 

_ What the fuck is he doing? _

Worry and curiosity got the better of him and he stood up, tip-toeing to the door and opening it, staring into the hallway in order to figure out what the hell was going on.

Hoseok sat cross-legged in front of his door. On the floor. Basically knocking on it with his head. 

_ Oh god. _

Hyungwon didn’t give a shit about any kind of resolutions he might have had. He immediately sank to his knees in front of the devastated blonde and grabbed his face with both hands.

“Hoseok?” When he didn’t get an immediate reaction he repeated. “Hoseok, what the hell is going on? What are you doing?”

The blonde lifted his head and his face appeared even more pale than it normally looked, eyes teary and mouth slightly open. His gaze didn't seem to focus on anything, just staring at the air between them. 

_ Shit. What the hell? _

“Hoseok, what’s wrong?” he asked carefully, fingers stroking over Hoseok’s cheeks and feeling his chest tightening at the sight. Fear that something terrible had happened to the pianist numbed his rational thoughts, wish to just hug him and tell him everything would be okay almost overwhelming him.

The expression stayed the same but tears started falling down, one after the other, like a river dripping down his chin. His hands were folded on his lap, red from playing like a mental person, a couple of ruptures here and there. 

Hyungwon felt the unbearable need to cry with him but held himself in check. He had to be in control this time. Hoseok was breaking apart and he had to put him back together. Brushing the tears from the other’s cheeks with his palm he stroked over Hoseok’s face, circling his arms around him and pressing him closer to his chest almost automatically. As if it was a reflex and not a decision he had to make consciously.

“It’ll be okay, Hoseok. Don’t cry, babe,” he whispered and stroked over the blond strands, feeling how the tears soaked into his oversized pyjama top, legs naked and cold on the floor of the hallway. “What have you done with your hands? Why would you do that? We have to fix them up, you hear me?”

“I don't need them,” the blonde breathed out, voice hoarse from not talking for a long time, eyes staring into nothing. 

Hyungwon swallowed loudly, shocked at how Hoseok could say that about something that he seemed to need more than breathing. What the hell had happened?

Feeling even more worried, he grabbed Hoseok’s right hand and lifted it to his lips, placing a few small kisses on the cracks littering the skin. He feared that words wouldn’t be enough to convince Hoseok. Fuck, even actions were probably not enough. He had no idea why the other man was being like this. He was lost in his inability to do anything of value.

“Your hands are magic, Hoseok. Of course you need them. Don’t treat them like this. Come on, let’s do something about it, babe,” he whispered into Hoseok’s ear, trying to convince him to stand up and follow him to the living room. He hated himself for not being able to just take Hoseok and carry him somewhere, having to rely on the other man’s willingness to listen to him. Who the fuck was Hyungwon even to tell him that everything would be okay? He didn’t even know what happened, fuck.

“Why is it so easy when you are there?” Hoseok’s eyes looked at his face consciously for the first time since he opened the door. “But when you aren't it's useless shit. I'm useless shit.” 

Hyungwon had no idea what he needed to be present for, but if it meant that Hoseok wouldn’t be a self-depreciating mess on the hallway floor he wouldn’t fucking move from the other man’s side if necessary. Fuck.

He pressed Hoseok even closer, breathing in the scent of his hair and caressing his back. 

“You’re not useless shit Hoseok. If you need me to be there, then why don’t you just ask me to be there?”

_ Because you avoided him like a fucking asshole although he needs you, Hyungwon. _

“Why do you seem like a major chord but are actually a minor on the inside?” Hoseok breathed out, looking up at Hyungwon’s face again. 

Major but minor? Happy but sad? Why would Hoseok say that? No matter what they were talking about, whenever they were close Hoseok managed to go beyond what Hyungwon knew, throwing out comparisons and comments he just didn’t understand.

“I do not know what you are trying to tell me, but if you need me, I’ll be there, Hoseok. Let’s take care of your hands,” he said and tried to convince Hoseok to stand up again, pulling at his arms helplessly.

Hoseok complied surprisingly, standing up but looking absolutely out of it, wearing a black hoodie and sweatpants, blonde hair falling over his forehead and face looking death-pale. Shit, Hyungwon had to make him eat something, drink something, possibly take a shower and preferably sleep.

“Let’s eat something first, okay?” He led Hoseok towards the kitchen, letting him sink onto a kitchen chair and opening the fridge to make something quickly. 

_ Just give him fruit, Hyungwon. You can’t cook anyway. _

Picking an apple he quickly cut it into four pieces, removing the core and giving them to the ghostly pale man on the chair in front of him. It was scary how out of it Hoseok looked. He wasn’t himself.

“I don't need to eat, I don't need to drink and I don't need to sleep either. I need to be able to play properly, but I can't.” Hoseok’s expression just didn't change, no matter what he said, eyes big and staring into air. The gaze scared Hyungwon to no end, panic rising in his throat, feeling familiar but still surprising in the situation he was in. 

He walked over to Hoseok and hugged him, arms tight around his shoulders and breathed against his neck, focusing to say the right thing. 

“Listen, Hoseok, to play your body also needs to be fine. It’s not right now, it really isn’t. You need strength in your hands and you can’t have it without food, you hear me? You need food and you need drink and you need to take care of those fucking wounds on your fingers.”

Hoseok smiled, but it was plain scary. 

“I don't think food can fix something that is broken for twenty years.” The blonde bit down on his bottom lip.

_ Fuck it, Hyungwon. He doesn’t give a shit about what you say. Do what you’re best at, distract him. _

_ Regret it later. _

He took a deep breath and lifted Hoseok’s face by grabbing his chin, closing the distance between their lips harshly, teeth clashing for a short moment before Hyungwon bit into the other man’s lower lip, using the fact that his lips were slightly parted to lick into his mouth.

“That melody on the other hand is absolutely perfect,” Hoseok whispered into his mouth and kissed back so desperately, as if his whole fucking life depended on it. Hyungwon just reacted to him, feeling how much Hoseok needed the contact, giving him whatever he needed. He curled his arms around the other man's neck as he had so many times and just climbed on his lap, hoping that Hoseok was stable enough to keep himself on the chair. Even if not he didn’t give a single shit. He had no idea what melody Hoseok was talking about, but if he felt better then Hyungwon was going to do everything so it stayed that way.

“What can I do for you, Hoseok?” he asked, licking over the other man's earlobe and squeezing his thighs around his muscular body.

“You make me feel it. The music,” the blonde breathed out against his neck. 

_ The music? _

“What are you talking about, babe? What music?” Hyungwon asked, brushing a stray blond strand from Hoseok’s eyes and focusing on his face, trying to figure out if he had taken something or was delirious from lack of sleep.

_ He said similar things before, Hyungwon. He can’t constantly be delirious or high. _

“You probably don't understand. When you kiss me I can feel the music flowing through my body, every single sound and chord. When you are this close it's like a whole orchestra. I can't play without you.” Hoseok stared at him, hands clutching onto his sides and eyes looking genuinely scared.

Hyungwon could feel his heartbeat everywhere, thumbing rapidly up to his neck, breath stuck in his throat and heat spreading from his stomach to his chest, constricting it but not necessarily in a bad way. He just felt so much, brain rushing through possible interpretations but only arriving at one that made sense.

_ What if he likes you, Hyungwon?  _

_ He’d get disappointed early enough. Just bask in it while you can. _

His fingertips burned, every bit of skin of Hoseok’s that was close to his felt agonizingly hot, mind racing through possible consequences, things to do, reasonable things to say but nothing was good enough. Hyungwon didn’t want to scare him off. Shit, he wanted him so bad. He wanted him to be his. He had wanted to avoid the other but if he needed him this much it didn’t fucking matter what he thought or felt. If Hoseok needed him then he would be there.

“Then play with me around, Hoseok. Touch me if it makes you feel music. Just do it,” he whispered against Hoseok’s lips, brushing them tenderly and hands tightening in the fabric of Hoseok’s clothes, pulling him even closer by his shirt. “Is this close enough or do you need more, babe?”

Hoseok curled both arms around him and pressed his forehead against Hyungwon’s chest. It felt so intimate and emotional, feelings raw and on display.

“It feels like chords burning down my skin when you touch me. Your hands are like a cello and your mouth is the piano.” Hoseok spoke clearly and without hesitation. He didn't seem confused at all. Was Hyungwon the only one undecided and struggling with what he wanted?

“Do you want me to play a concert for you, Hoseok?” he asked, using the same metaphors Hoseok had. “Will it make you feel better?”

“I'm useless when you're not there,” the blonde whispered without answering the question. Hyungwon didn’t understand how he could doubt his skills to such a degree. He had heard him play for seven days and all of it had been mesmerizing and emotionally challenging, touching him despite trying not to listen.

“Hoseok, but I have heard you play for seven days and it was beautiful. You were doing amazing, why are you so doubtful?”

No answer. The blonde lifted his head and placed a kiss against the skin of his neck, breathing softly while holding onto the fabric of Hyungwon’s pyjamas. A shudder ran down his back, urge to feel more of Hoseok’s skin against his even stronger than before. But he couldn’t rest before Hoseok had at least eaten and drunk a little bit. He had to try.

“Hoseok, I want to be close to you, but can you please eat and drink a little? It’s important to me,” he whispered, unsure whether there was even a point in asking questions all the time if Hoseok was unable to answer them. He needed food and rest and possibly he would feel more stable the next day. Hopefully. 

“I'll eat,” Hoseok said but kept his head in the crook of his neck. “Fuck- why am I like this?” 

“I don't know, but it'll be okay again, trust me.” Hyungwon climbed off of his lap and took the apples from before, placing them in Hoseok’s hands and filled a glass of water, also handing it to Hoseok.

“I’ll be right back, Hoseok. Just making sure I can give you what you need,” Hyungwon said cryptically before disappearing into the bathroom. 

Whatever Hoseok needed of him, he would give it to him. 

When he returned, the other man had eaten everything and drank the water. Hoseok lifted up his legs on the chair and hugged them. He had eaten and drunk but still he looked like a scared kid. A scared, pale kid.

Hyungwon walked over to him and hugged him from the back, resting his chin on his shoulder and placing a short kiss on his neck. 

“Would you like to sleep in my bed for a change? I'm sure everything will be better tomorrow and you won't feel as lost. Sleep deprivation can do scary things, Hoseok. Even make things seem worse than they are and enhance negative emotional responses.” Hyungwon wasn't sure why he unpacked that load of information on Hoseok, but he was getting desperate, wishing to help the other man but feeling like words didn't do anything.

The other man stood up, turned around and curled his arms around Hyungwon, pressing him closer. 

“Please make it go away,” Hoseok whispered before clashing his lips against Hyungwon’s, licking into his mouth desperately, leaving no room between them.

The raw feelings Hoseok confronted him with numbed his senses, thoughts stepping into the background to leave room for actions, kissing Hoseok back as passionately as he could. He squeezed Hoseok’s shoulders and jumped up, tightening his legs around the muscular man's hips and nibbling on his bottom lip. Arms circling around his neck and holding him close.

“Take me to bed, Hoseok.”

Strong arms grabbed his thighs and the blonde moved towards the room, holding Hyungwon’s body in place, eyes so strangely affected and tongue sliding over his red lips repeatedly. He kicked the door open the rest of the way and walked into the room before sitting down on the edge of the bed and staring up at Hyungwon as if he was some kind of godly creature. 

Hyungwon smiled, trying to be reassuring and placed kisses all over his face before kissing his lips, licking inside his mouth and taking control. 

“What would you like me to do to you, babe?” he asked, voice deep and Hoseok’s body hot under his fingertips. He would make him forget if that was what he wanted, cut every bad thought away from his mind and only leave pleasure and eventually calm.

_ That's what you are good at, and for. _

“Just make it go away, please,” Hoseok murmured so desperately, fingers shaking against Hyungwon’s skin. 

That had been everything Hyungwon needed to know. He pushed against Hoseok’s chest until he fell back against the bed and slid smoothly over his crotch, adding a little bit of friction before leaning down and ravishing Hoseok’s lips again. His hands stroked along his chest, following the lines of the other man's muscles before finding the seam of his hoodie, pulling it up to his shoulders with the t-shirt and licking the skin below it. He was too impatient to take it off completely, resorting to leaving marks along Hoseok’s abs and licking into his belly button, slowly sliding down along his body until he was kneeling on the ground between his legs.

Hoseok’s breathing pattern kept changing. He sucked in air, held his breath or breathed out everything at once. Panting restlessly he sat up, looking down at Hyungwon. 

“No, don't go.”

Hyungwon really didn't understand. He wasn't going anywhere, so why was Hoseok so desperate? He stared at him, eyes not leaving his beautiful, and also a little less pale, face. His hands massaged Hoseok’s firm thighs and he leaned down, not breaking eye contact and letting his lips brush against the fabric of the other man's pants, mouthing along it. 

“I'm not going anywhere, babe,” he whispered, fanning hot air over Hoseok’s erection. 

Hoseok hissed loudly, hands placed on each side of his thighs, staring down at him in awe, mouth open and licking his lips. His gaze was so encouraging, leaving all the power of control in Hyungwon's hands, ability to drive Hoseok into oblivion with a single lick of his tongue intoxicating. He smirked and mouthed over the erection again before using the fact that Hoseok sat up quickly to pull the hoodie and t-shirt over his head, throwing it somewhere far from the bed. Not missing even a second he re-attached himself to Hoseok’s stomach, licking over it and sucking a nipple into his mouth, hands drawing circles on his thighs.

The pianist was really beautiful, facial features in such a contrast to the masculine body that Hyungwon couldn't get enough of, yearning to see more pleasure and more amazement on that pretty face. He was going to blow Hoseok’s fucking mind, just as he had before. 

“You're so beautiful, babe, always letting me do everything. I love it,” he mumbled into his pale skin, biting down on Hoseok’s chest before moving down and lifting the sweatpants and underwear away from Hoseok’s hips, licking over the tip of his gorgeous dick once before allowing it to slap back against his lower body. He moved back a little bit to give Hoseok space to fulfil his next demand. “Get naked for me.”

The blonde pulled his pants down including underwear and kicked them to the side, before taking his previous place in front of him, absolutely naked. He was breathtaking, skin pale and reflecting some of the light that entered through the closed shutters. Hyungwon felt like he belonged to him, sitting there completely at his mercy and willing to do whatever, anything he asked of him. 

Hoseok was so muscular, completely different from his own lean body type and so attractive. Hyungwon couldn’t imagine how he even managed to pronounce the words that the pianist wasn’t his type. He was exactly his type, strong, beautiful and partially impulsive in his actions, capable of surprising Hyungwon and throwing him out of his comfort zone.

_ He’s in the flat of your palm, Hyungwon, you better make it worth it. _

He crawled closer again, spreading Hoseok’s legs a little to kneel down comfortably, fingers scratching along his inner thighs before curling around his erection, mouth breathing hot air over it, eyes watching every twitch and jerk in the singer’s face.

“You're unreal," the blonde whispered, warm hand stroking his cheek suddenly. 

Hyungwon chuckled in response, leaning into the touch. The man probably had no idea what he himself looked like with moonlight shining on his beautiful skin.

“Wait until you see me naked, babe,” Hyungwon muttered and licked a stripe from the base to the tip of Hoseok’s erection, sucking on the transition intently, thumb finding the slit and spreading some precum over it.

A loud moan left his parted lips but Hoseok’s gaze stayed glued to his face, eyes widely open. 

“You're unreal independent of your state of undress.” The blonde spoke out the words absolutely clearly while looking into his eyes. 

Well, that was new. Usually Hoseok only lost it when Hyungwon was in some kind of state of undress. However, he was kneeling in front of his dick and pleasuring him right now, so possibly the pianist wasn’t really functioning properly. Especially not after crying in Hyungwon’s arms about being unable to play.

_ Keep him distracted, Hyungwon, that’s what he asked you for. _

He grabbed inside his drawer and got his bottle with lube out, pumping some on his palm and spreading it around before circling his hand around Hoseok’s dick again, slide much better, evoking beautiful sounds from Hoseok’s lips. Smirking at the beauty above him, he turned up his teasing game, massaging his balls while only giving kitten licks to the tip, sucking at the slit quickly before letting go right after. He wanted to rile Hoseok up, make him beg.

_ Make sure he cannot be without you, Hyungwon.  _

_ Make him yours. _

  
  


***

  
  
When Hoseok had piano performances before, it had been different. He hated himself, he didn't eat, he didn't sleep and he just vegetated in a state of semi faint, trying to suppress his anxiety and make it stop in vain, ending up devastated, full of hatred directed at himself and his inability to play piano like he should’ve been able to.   
  
His parents, his friends, his teachers, everybody had worried but it hadn't changed anything, not a single bit. The black pitch kept flowing around his lungs and gluing them together, air not able to pass, until he wished that he had never been born.   
  
It was different this time. He still hated himself and he still couldn’t play. He still didn’t want to eat or drink. But the solution to his problem, he knew it. The solution to all of his problems slept behind the wooden door, and only went out to pee or to stuff a sandwich into his beautiful mouth. He just needed those hands, and those lips, the thin body that felt so inhumanely warm against his fingertips and made him see and feel music with every cell of his body. 

The solution was there and could stand next to him, half a meter was enough. It was enough to feel it, to be able to play the way he wanted to, to feel the sounds, the chords even more present than when he played alone. Hyungwon was the solution that only had to hold his shoulders and he could’ve recorded everything on the first day without a single mistake. 

That kind of solution. 

A solution that replaced his wish to vanish without a trace with the desire to melt in the other’s touch and proximity, kissing those lips and listening to his low voice whispering in his ear. It was the wish that had brought him to the door, hitting his head against it in an outburst of pure despair.    
  
Reasons? He didn’t need them. He needed Hyungwon. He needed him more than he needed anything else. Those lips pressed against his and instantly the touch the other was willing to gift him numbed his senses. It was music, so much music again. It was more than the whole week he had played, being desperate and scared. 

But it was possible. It was possible to make the anxiety go away. He could do it, Chae Hyungwon could.   
  
_You’re not only an instrument, Hoseok. You can’t be played by anybody else._   
  
He wanted to melt into him. Sitting on the bed, completely naked, moonlight shining through the window and basking in the things he told him, the things Hyungwon did to him. It was something he knew but also something he had never experienced before. The reaction, the way his body burned up at every touch and those tingling sounds throughout every kiss left traces in his nervous system, probably remembering every single sensation, not wanting anything else. 

Ever.    
  
He was willing to do anything. People said those things often but he wasn’t joking. He was and he would. How many times had he thought about breaking that dude’s wrists for touching Hyungwon, simulating every movement and reaction, like a mental person?    
  
The black-haired man stroked his erection, looking up at him, those eyes, gaze alone sufficient to make him do anything. He wasn’t afraid. He trusted the other so much, out of nowhere, without reasons, but who needed reasons anyway if the wish to be dead was gone all of the sudden?   
  
The music was a mess, a beautiful tingling mess, not a specific piece, not a specific composer, just a confusing, burning mess inside his veins and all over his skin, every spot a spike turning into fire.    
  
“I want you,” Hoseok whispered, locking gazes with the beautiful, black-haired man between his legs. 

Hyungwon had been sliding lube covered hands over his dick, watching Hoseok’s face and placing a kiss on his inner thigh before answering.

“How do you want me, babe?”    
  
How? In every way Hyungwon was willing to. Hoseok wanted to feel him, to touch his face and his body, kiss every little piece of skin and let him burn the pain away.    
  
“You know better,” he answered intuitively. It was exactly what it felt like. It felt as if Hyungwon knew better what he needed and craved for, being in control and just waiting to swing the baton and let the instruments play. 

The black-haired man between his legs smiled sweetly, cupping Hoseok’s face in his palm.

“Of course, my beautiful little mess. I’ll take care of you,” he whispered and covered Hoseok’s erection with his mouth, sucking his way down slowly and scratching along Hoseok’s thighs in the process.   
  
As expected, his insides burned as he raked one hand through the other's thick hair, pulling lightly and placing the other hand on the slim man’s shoulder, wishing to touch more of his hot skin. 

Hyungwon seemed to focus on teasing him, quickening and slowing his movements constantly, not quite predictable and letting the edge come closer just to disappear behind a veil of hesitation again.    
  
“I want to touch you.” He pulled at his hair to get attention. He wanted to feel him, all of him, everywhere. Granting him his wish the other man let go of his erection and looked up, watching Hoseok carefully as he unbuttoned his shirt and let it slide down his shoulders to the ground, doing the same with his boxers before crawling on top of his thighs, warm skin all over him, arms around his neck and pressing him closer.   
  
“Oh my god, oh god,” he exhaled not able to hide the intense spikes that moved through his body at the feeling of the other man’s hot skin being so close to him. Hoseok immediately curled his arms around his waist, like a snake finding its prey. 

Hyungwon’s breath was hitting his neck, hips moving in smooth circles on his lap and lips kissing his neck and ear. 

“Are you okay, babe? You’re shivering,” he asked, hand stroking along Hoseok’s nape and hair.   
  
“You,” Hoseok breathed out, overwhelmed and helpless. “It’s because of you. Everything is because of you.” Everything he felt, all those things, they were a reaction to Hyungwon. His solution.

The beautiful man on his lap seemed a little taken aback by the answer, lifting his head to look at Hoseok’s face and placing gentle kisses all over it again before he kissed him and gasped in his mouth, hips continuously rubbing over his lower body. Hyungwon wasn’t only push and pulling with Hoseok, but also with himself.   
  
He wanted to say something but reconsidered. It was not the time to verbalize what he felt, no matter how crazy and intense it felt. Irrelevant of how Hoseok was losing his fucking mind and wanted to melt together with the human on his lap, it was not the right time to tell Hyungwon all those things.    
  
He pressed the other's beautiful body closer instead, breathing in his vanilla scent, and thinking about how to do something for him, make him feel good. His hand went between their bodies and fingers curled around the other man’s erection, feeling so warm in his hand, before moving around it slowly. Hyungwon immediately moaned, hot breath tickling Hoseok’s cheek and the beautiful man held on tighter, moving his body with the strokes on his dick and closing his eyes.   
  
It felt like dissonant, that was the reason for asking Hyungwon why he acted like a major chord although he was a minor one. The way he moved and the expression on his face just didn’t fit, it was as if both were played at the same time, creating a paradox. Hyungwon was in control and he was so tranquil, but that look on his mesmerizing face, the feeling Hoseok got when he stared at the features, it was like looking into a dark, endless void, insides turning and music changing abruptly into something desperate and overcast. 

“Wait, babe,” Hyungwon gasped against the skin of Hoseok’s neck. “We don’t want this to end too early, do we? I was kinda ill for a week, so my endurance isn’t the best.” He grasped Hoseok’s wrist with his own hand and paused it, pulling it towards his waist instead. He hissed as he stroked Hoseok’s thigh with his other hand.

“Fuck, your thighs are delicious,” he moaned and buried his nails in his skin, placing a kiss on Hoseok’s lips before sliding off his lap. “I need more lube for this and possibly a cock ring, depending on what you continue doing to me, Hoseok.”   
  
He had no idea what the other was talking about, but he was willing to do anything, absolutely anything.    
  
“Just tell me what to do. I want you to feel good too,” he whispered, not sure how to deal with the fact that he had no fucking clue about all these things. 

Hyungwon smiled again, walking over to a cupboard and opening it. Hoseok could only vaguely make out objects of all colors as Hyungwon didn’t take long, grabbing something small and another bottle of lube and crawling back onto the bed.

“How long do you think you’ll last, babe?” he asked, playing with something in his hand.   
  
Good question, he was basically known for his endurance among the ladies he had the pleasure to serve, but he had the feeling it wasn’t very accurate when it came to the person next to him.   
  
“Normally at least half an hour. With you? No fucking idea. I will try my best,” he elaborated while trying to understand what the object was for. 

The other man smirked, pressing a hand to his chest in an overdone gesture. 

“I am very glad that I make you doubt your endurance, however, I think you might like this in general. Since you want me to blow your mind, getting a little delirious is fine with you, right?” Hyungwon moved closer to him, showing a small silicone ring in black before he lubed it up and easily slid it over his own erection, showing Hoseok a very similar one in white.  
  
Hoseok wanted everything, all of it. Hyungwon strangling him to death with some rope or shooting him in the face, he would’ve taken it all.   
  
He nodded and let his gaze slide over the other's long body. The moonlight made his skin shimmer in silver, so beautiful and graceful. Hoseok had never felt that way about anyone’s body before.   
  
_Because he’s your solution._   
  
Hyungwon smirked and raised his eyebrow, unaware of Hoseok’s epiphany and simply sliding the silicone ring over Hoseok’s dick after lubing it up, sensation tight and a little uncomfortable.

“It needs getting used to, cause it keeps you from coming. Makes the final even more worth it though. Usually you put it on before getting hard but this one isn't as tight, so it's fine,” Hyungwon elaborated and immediately began placing kisses on Hoseok’s chest and stomach before he kissed the tip of Hoseok’s erection and looked up, eyes big and lips wet.

“You won’t have to do anything, Hoseok. I’ll do everything.”   
  
But he wanted to, he wanted to see it. The void.    
  
“I want to do something for you too,” he whispered, trying to deal with the strange sensation coming from the ring. Hyungwon frowned a little, kissing him again before replying.

“But you already grace me with your beautiful dick inside of me, babe, why would you need to do more?” the beautiful man asked and poured some lube over his right hand, preparing to do what he had done the last time and sitting spread-legged on the bed.   
  
“No, I want to do it.” Hoseok’s low voice sounded so unexpected in the room, eyes searching for the familiar gaze of the person he wanted to feel, completely. 

Hyungwon’s eyes widened and he paused his movements, staring back and searching for something in Hoseok’s expression. Then he sat down differently, back resting partially on the bed, head against the headrest and legs bent towards Hoseok. He spread his legs slowly, gaze challenging.

“Are you sure you would be fine with that, sweetheart?”   
  
_ Yes. _

There was not a single thought in his head. Hesitation didn’t exist when it came to Hyungwon.    
  
“Yes, just help me out a little, since it’s my first time.” He exhaled at the sight, fire burning up his skin and pressure spreading in his groin. The other man pouted a little, looking in thought before he got up from his position and slid over to Hoseok.

“Fine, but then I should take the ring off because it’ll take a while and you’re not used to it.” He pulled the toy apart carefully and removed it, smiling at Hoseok and kissing him briefly before lying back against the headboard. “Alright, come over here and I’ll tell you what to do, babe. Have you fingered a woman before?”   
  
“Mhm.” Hoseok nodded and felt like a kid in sex ed class again. Hyungwon grinned and used his lube covered hand to cover Hoseok’s instead and pulled him closer, almost falling over his naked body.

“It’s similar just that you need to lube it up and find where it feels good.” The other man spread his legs again, watching Hoseok intently, as if he didn’t believe that Hoseok would actually pull through with it.   
  
It couldn’t have been that hard. He crawled between the beautiful man’s legs, the sight already enough without any additions. He went for his plump lips first, kissing and licking inside his warm mouth, gaining confidence and fueling the wish to do anything and more. Hoseok sneaked a hand between their bodies and went lower from Hyungwon’s erection, over his balls further down until he reached the right spot. He pressed one finger against it and wondered why it didn’t go in immediately. He didn’t want to hurt Hyungwon. 

The other man just smiled, nodding at him and relaxing his body, spreading his legs even further.   
  
Shit, it took his breath away. How could the other just do it as if it was nothing? Be so vulnerable and throw trust at his face without knowing anything about him?   
  
Hoseok pushed further until he felt the hot walls around his finger, while gazing up at Hyungwon, making sure it was okay. The other man had his eyes closed, using the index finger of his right hand to point to the top, probably an instruction for Hoseok.

“It feels a little like a knob, that’s where it feels good, babe,” he explained while inhaling and exhaling very slowly, calm as fuck.    
  
It hurt because of his semi-raped hands, but he was a pianist, he knew how to hit. He just needed to find where. Trying it out the way Hyungwon showed him, he felt something similar to the description and pressed down on it. The loud moan and the way Hyungwon’s muscles tensed was an immediate reward, eyes opened wide and body sliding down to meet the intrusion although Hoseok hadn’t even done much yet.

“Exactly that,” Hyungwon breathed out and closed his eyes again, falling back into pure tranquility.   
  
Hoseok wanted to see more, more of the void, of the black emptiness, hidden behind the mocking smirk. He repeated the same movement, finger already knowing exactly how to move. Being a musician had its benefits.

Hyungwon gasped repeatedly and lost some of the rigid calm that he had forced himself into, moaning and throwing his head to the side a little, hands grabbing the sheets and moving against Hoseok’s hand.

“I fucking love your hands, Hoseok, so much better than mine. Fuck, gimme more.”   
  
Remembering the last time, Hoseok was sure Hyungwon had used three fingers. He tried to push another one in slowly, getting past the tight muscle and hitting against the sensitive spot. Hyungwon cursed, almost closing his legs on Hoseok but stopping himself right before, spreading them again and throwing an arm over his eyes, other arm reaching up to hold onto the headboard, gasps leaving his lips without a break.

“You learn fast, fuck,” he murmured and pushed against Hoseok’s fingers inside of him. Panting he lifted his hand from the headboard and made scissoring motions with his index and middle finger before attaching it again, eyes closed and teeth biting his plump lower lip. “I can’t talk very well when you do that,” he began. “So I have to do it like that, fuck. Just do what you are doing.”   
  
He did. He learned fast and wanted to show what he learned. Imitating the motion inside of Hyungwon, trying to have one finger on the sensitive spot at any time - to see those expressions he couldn’t get enough of - Hoseok continued pushing a third finger in without the other man asking, just because it seemed right. 

“Fuck, Hoseok,” Hyungwon moaned and Hoseok could see how the beautiful man’s erection twitched at the action. “I’m dying and I do this all the fucking time.”   
  
Confidence numbed his senses. He knew he could do things with his fingers others weren’t able to do. Thanks to the incredible sensitivity of his fingertips to any kind of change and also the precise movement of the digits. He wanted Hyungwon to feel it. He pulled out and pushed in, hitting and sliding over the spot at the same time. 

“Oh god,” Hyungwon just gasped, squeezing his eyes shut and using his other hand to hold onto the headboard as well. “I fucking love your fingers. Thank god I’m wearing a cockring.” Hyungwon lifted a leg and placed it on Hoseok’s shoulder to get it out of the way and give him more access.   
  
Hoseok knew how to do it now, he needed to feel those lips. Catching Hyungwon’s bottom lip with his teeth, he leaned in and licked into the beautiful warm mouth while moving his fingers in the exact same way, changing the hitting pattern a little, to make it more fun. Like a chord.

Hyungwon moaned, hands immediately finding his hair and pulling him closer, easily bending in half and not minding the stretch.

“Fuck me, Hoseok, please,” he begged against Hoseok’s lips, nibbling on his bottom lip and fingers fisting strands of his hair.   
  
Was there even anything Hoseok wouldn’t have done at that point? Or at any point? He didn’t know. He just wanted to see the void and hear those chords, so desperately sad and pulling him into the black mass.   
  
“Everything you want,” Hoseok whispered against those full, warm lips, filling him with all kinds of sensations, be it through touch or through those words coming out of them. 

Hyungwon continued moaning into his mouth, kissing back with as much vigor as he was able to, paired with the pleasure Hoseok kept evoking in him. The other man’s body reacted much more intensely than he was used to, shivers running over his legs and stomach contracting at every stab of Hoseok’s fingers.

“Then strap up, lube up and fuck me, babe.”   
  
“Where do you have the condoms?” Hoseok asked, brain returning to play up the auto program before going in somewhere with his dick. Hyungwon blinked repeatedly, probably trying to focus on the question at hand before he exhaled and pointed at the bedside table on the left, the further one from their position.   
  
Hoseok pulled his fingers out really slowly, before he felt cold air hitting his skin. Crawling over, he found the right size and ripped the package, sliding it over smoothly and reaching for the bottle of lube lying next to the beautiful body.    
  
“How do you want me?” Hoseok asked after coating his erection in lube.

Hyungwon grinned and lifted his hips a little, spreading his legs and arms, hinting at Hoseok to position himself between them. His hair was messy from thrashing back and forth on the bed, black strands covering the pillow and parts of his forehead, some hanging in his eyes and framing the skin gorgeously.

“I want to see your face, babe.”   
  
“I want to feel what you sound like,” Hoseok answered and smiled down at the other's beautiful face, before positioning himself between his long legs and pushing himself in slowly. 

Hyungwon had looked confused at his words, but forgot it almost immediately, eyes closing and panting ‘oh god’ repeatedly, legs easily finding Hoseok’s shoulders to rest on, thereby lifting his hips higher. His hands grabbed the sheets next to his hips and he seemed a little impatient, pushing a bit as Hoseok tried to stay calm and go slow.

“I can take it even if you’re harsh, Hoseok. Just do it, don’t think too much,” he breathed out, eyes opening and closing, lower lip sucked inside his mouth. “I want you, babe.”

Hoseok complied, who was he to refuse anything? He moved the hips further, hissing out a breath and trying to concentrate on the movement and not on the way Hyungwon’s body looked under him, so beautiful, skin shining in the moonlight. The other man exhaled harshly before holding his breath and squeezing his eyes shut, hands clasping the sheets and lower body flush against Hoseok’s.

He saw it before Hyungwon closed his eyes, the black mass sucking everything in, he saw it so clearly. The other must've been in pain. Shit, Hoseok didn't want him to be, not because of him. He stopped moving, propping himself against the headboard and stroking the other's soft cheek with his thumb. 

Hyungwon opened his eyes slowly, releasing the breath he had been holding and smiling up at him, lips red from biting them so much.

“Why are you stopping, babe? I’m fine,” he murmured and moved his hips a little, contracting around Hoseok’s erection purposefully and sending spikes through his body. Lifting his hands from the sheets the beautiful man placed them around Hoseok’s arm on the headboard, watching him carefully. “Do you think...you could hold my hands in place?”

Those eyes, Hoseok didn't know how he had missed it before. Now they were full of quiet minor chords, gazing at him while Hyungwon was asking. 

“Do you want this?” he asked quietly, waiting for an answer. Who was he to know whether the other wanted something or not? If he did, then Hoseok would comply, simple as that. 

The black-haired man smiled softly, reassuring but distant, nodding at the question while his eyes didn’t leave Hoseok’s. His legs pressed down against Hoseok’s shoulders, thereby pulling him even closer and further into his body.

The cello music made him feel like breaking apart, but he tried to ignore it as much as he could, pinning the big hands against the headboard, trying not to apply too much pressure. His hips moved as slowly as humanly possible, trying to feel whether it was okay while looking at the other man's face. 

Hyungwon kept his eyes closed, breathing out slowly and lifted his hips some more, most likely to find the angle he enjoyed the most. A pink tongue licked over his lips as his mouth opened in a gasp, attempting to speed up Hoseok’s movements again.

“Come on, Hoseok, I’m fine,” he mumbled, before opening his eyes and watching Hoseok intently as he pushed their hips together.

Hoseok couldn't help but moan loudly. The way Hyungwon just moved against him made him gasp for air and he started moving out before sliding in again, trying to remember the spot his fingers had found so easily. Hyungwon screamed much like the first time, eyes losing their focus on Hoseok’s face for a second and wrists pulling against Hoseok’s hand holding them.

“Fuck, fuck, please do that again, Hoseok. Please, I'll do anything,” he mumbled incoherently and relaxed his body, only legs remaining rigid on Hoseok’s shoulders, constantly pulling him closer, as if afraid that he would leave.

It was like getting drunk, but sped up and mixed with boiling over lust and incoherent desperation. He repeated his movements, hips remembering the way to do it, mind concentrating on the grip in which he held Hyungwon’s hands. 

“It’s okay, Hoseok,” Hyungwon whispered again, moans leaving his lips without a break, body shivering at the pleasure cursing through it, beautiful beyond belief. “Just fuck me rough like before. I can take it all.”

Hoseok let his big hands lose and leaned on his elbows, placing kisses on Hyungwon’s shoulders and neck. Seeing the yellow marks made his lungs clench in pain. 

“I'll do it, but I want to kiss you while I do it.” He tried an experimental thrust, trying to find the angle and pressed his lips against the other's plump, wet ones in front of him, so soft and welcoming. Hyungwon nodded furiously and adjusted his hips himself, groaning into Hoseok’s mouth at the sudden spark of pleasure, kissing back with vigor and licking inside his mouth, over his lips and sucking on his tongue.

He lost himself in the melody, everything so perfect again, the movements and the breaths, thrusts and moans, kisses and strokes melting into one giant wrecking ball threatening to smash everything. 

“You, that ring, do you still need it?” Hoseok breathed out in strain, remembering that he probably felt close because Hyungwon forgot to put it back on while he himself still wore it. Hyungwon shook his head, breathing harshly against his lips.

“No and I’ll probably fucking pass out once I climax, fuck.” He didn’t say it like that was a bad thing, rather amazed and delirious from the pleasure he felt. Hoseok leaned back a little while holding the long legs in place. Exhaling slowly, calming himself down sufficiently to have the coordination, Hyungwon removed the ring and moaned in relief, circling his hands around Hoseok’s neck and pushing him closer with his legs again.

“Want me to touch you?” Hoseok asked, smiling softly at the black-haired man under him before placing a soft kiss on his lips. 

“I'll come either way,” Hyungwon answered with a mirrored smile, eyes closed in bliss and lips continuously searching for Hoseok’s whenever they separated.

He slid all the way out before thrusting in with force, sucking on Hyungwon’s lower lip in the process, observing the reaction intently. The beautiful man screamed inside his mouth, loud enough to resound in the room and seemed out of it, holding onto Hoseok, scratching his back and leaving marks, pulling him impossibly closer. 

It hurt, but it felt so good. 

Hoseok felt like melting, his whole body and mind were melting into those eyes staring up at him, delirious and widened, music overwhelmingly loud, threatening to crush over him. He repeated the movement with more force, his own release tingling at the tips of his fingers, only a small little spike needed to spill everything. He felt Hyungwon’s body tense around him. Teeth sinking into his lip and body shivering, he moved again and the orgasm exploded in his cells with a fierce chord, ripping a hole into his consciousness for a couple of seconds while the body under him shivered and calmed down after a bit. 

“I might be in heaven,” Hyungwon mumbled against his lips after a while, bodies still connected. “I still can't think.”   
  
Hoseok kissed him, slowly parting his lips and sliding in, exploring and sucking on his plump bottom lip. Heaven was an understatement. He felt like cold air, sinking into the dark endless void and never coming back, surrounded by those agonizing chords and forgetting his own black hole full of anxiety and agony. Hyungwon was his solution and salvation, so beautiful and deep, sad and mocking, able to make him forget himself and stop the pain.    
  
He wanted to see and feel more of it. Ready to beg for the other to let him in and show him everything the black mass consisted of.   
  
_ Who the fuck are you for him to show you?  _ _   
_ _   
_ __ You are not friends.

_ And you are not lovers. _ _   
_ _   
_ __ You are strangers. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter was more Hoseok's, his own struggles and Problems, something other people aren't able to see. Look forward to more progress in the next chapters. 
> 
> Music reccommendations:  
> Halsey - Eyes Closed (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=joN23n_e5hk)  
> Halsey - Hold me down (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0Hds_9t8MU)
> 
> Next Update on January 20th at 4 PM CET.
> 
> We write one character each,  
> @Hichanchen writes Hyungwon (and Minhyuk+Jooheon) and  
> @Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok (and Kihyun+Changkyun)
> 
> Hit us up on Twitter  
> @Hichanchen  
> @Smut_Hemingway
> 
> We are extremely happy about every comment and every click. You are one of the major reasons we write. (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	11. 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I thought you were the black pest and I was a victim when we first met. Turns out it was the other way around.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are some deep self-depreciating thoughts in the beginning, if you are sensitive regarding self destructive behaviour or thinking patterns we would recommend you to skip to Hoseok's part.

Long fingers danced over the pale skin of a muscular shoulder, even more milky white in the fading light of the moon, slowly disappearing to make room for the first rays of sunshine. The beautiful man was asleep, completely relaxed, none of the desperation that had obscured the gentle features of his face remaining. His strong arms were loosely encompassing Hyungwon’s waist, warmth surrounding him and Hoseok’s blonde strands tickling his shoulder. The pianist was beautiful, so beautiful Hyungwon couldn’t help but feel like he had been blessed with something he wasn’t supposed to see. Didn’t deserve to see.

_ He isn’t yours to enjoy. He just doesn’t know that yet. _

Hoseok didn’t know what he was getting himself into. Initial amazement would make room for crushing disappointment. It was just a matter of time until he would regret touching him, consoling him and opening up to him. Hyungwon’s chest tightened painfully, adrenaline spiking up just at the thought of the pianist realizing the inevitable and leaving just like everybody before him had. 

_ They always do. _

He closed his eyes, attempting to distract himself from the burning in his chest, beginning with agonizing needle-like stabs and slowly spreading out to his arms and legs, breathing impossible and blackness scratching at the edges of his consciousness. Fear had vicious nails, ripping every layer of strength he had built up over time off his naked body, leaving absolutely nothing except for a disgusting bloody mess.

He was panicking, blackness threatening to engulf him completely.

His fingers searched for the warmth of Hoseok’s skin frantically, brushing his shoulders and arms, circling around the neck, eyes remaining closed and sweet scent filling his nose. The calm that the other man’s body brought him wasn’t perpetual, body relaxing but mind returning to the same damn fear that numbed all his decisions and ability to let go.

_ You don’t deserve someone like him, Hyungwon. It’s just a matter of time until he sees what a pathetic mess you are aside from the attractiveness of your body. _

His hands tightened further, fear setting him ablaze like a dried out plant in the desert, unable to keep itself alive and just succumbing to whatever force imposed itself on him. He was a fucking flower rotting on the inside. The petals were mesmerizing, desirable even until you grasped them, enjoying their beauty with your touch. That’s when you took a closer look, seeing how they just fell apart into disgusting ash, black and covered with parasites, eating up whatever was left.

_ Why are you giving him everything, Hyungwon? Don’t let him see the appalling inside. Keep him around while you can, cheating him into the belief that your body is more than a pretty shell. _

He couldn’t sleep, regret at letting Hoseok have his way so easily ripped a path along his chest. Stabbing was so much easier when you were close, mere arm distance separating fingers from grabbing a heart and clutching it in their palm, stopping the blood flow and killing someone.

Hoseok didn’t know him. He didn’t know him at all. He wasn’t aware of what he was yearning for. Hyungwon’s shell had clouded his mind, taken over his senses and convinced him that the new experiences that the beautiful body could gift him with, were exactly what he desired.

_ He wants your body because that’s what you kept selling to him, Hyungwon. What have you done? Why do you always do this? _

His lungs burned from the effort to keep the tears out of his eyes, wish to just hit his head against the wall and knock himself out almost unbearable. He wanted to be blissfully asleep like the man in his arms, calm and free from all the worries that had been ripping him to shreds. 

_ You were able to help him, so why are you still awake? Just bask in what you have while it lasts. _

He couldn’t. Whenever he let his guard down the panic at losing everything poisoned his body, burning in his veins and numbing everything until only a dull ache remained. He had been fine. He had really been fine, writing music, toying around and doing what he was best at, namely giving people his body without getting attached, staying away as he should have with his pathetic inability to let go. No one deserved to be restrained by someone’s feelings.

_ Now you’re restraining Hoseok, pushing your wretched love on him without asking his permission. Forcing yourself upon him. Using his vulnerable and broken state. _

He was disgusting. Absolutely disgusting.

Why did Hoseok have to make him open up and console him when he cried? He would have easily stayed away, granted Hoseok what he really wanted without fear filling out his chest and taking his ability to breathe. He had developed feelings for Hoseok, for someone who needed his body to deal with his own relationship to music and would leave him as soon as he got over his slump. It was his fault for crying in front of Hoseok, appealing to his compassion without deserving any of it.

_ Who are you even kidding? You know that not even your body has ever been enough.  _

But he could do anything Hoseok desired. If he would do anything and everything, maybe the pianist would stay? Maybe he could keep him interested and invested if he let him do whatever he desired? He had been much more hesitant before and it always resulted in horrible consequences, pain and suffering a daily experience, so maybe if he just bit down on his own inhibitions Hoseok would stay?

_ You are digging your own grave, Hyungwon. _

How he wished that it was already done so he could lie down in it and forget his thoughts, just close his eyes and melt into the breathless silence, nothing left to feel, fear or love anymore.

_ Just let him hurt you, Hyungwon. You deserve it. You deserve everything he is willing to put you through. _

Hoseok had only been treating him well until now because he didn’t know. He didn’t know anything and Hyungwon wanted him to continue not knowing so badly, hoping that it would be enough for the other man to stay by his side.

Fuck. He was so pathetic.

Another glance at the beautiful sleeping face next to him was enough and all the emotions he kept trying to deny hit him with full force again. Shit, he loved the other man so much already and the only thing he had done was dry his tears and show more interest than usual in Hyungwon’s inability to fight his own insecurities. He had no choice but to let it happen. He couldn’t run. They lived together and would do so for the next year. Whatever Hoseok wanted from him, Hyungwon was going to give it to him and more, attempt to convince him that he might be worth staying with if he gave himself up enough. If he tried to be less attached and gave him space if he needed it.

Burying his face in Hoseok’s hair, pulling the other man closer to his body, he squeezed his eyes shut. He inhaled the other man’s scent and waited for the darkness to finally take over him. Maybe everything would be different once he woke up the next day.

_It’s already too late anyway, Hyungwon. You couldn’t leave him even if he’d let you. Just like before._ __  
  
_  


 

Hyungwon felt light strokes against his cheek, hot skin brushing against his, tender and considerate. He opened his eyes slowly, sun rays barely passing the blinds and leaving clear lines on the sheets and over the man lying next to him, smiling brightly.

“Good morning,” he murmured, trying to speak in a different direction to not confront Hoseok with disgusting morning breath and make him leave even faster than he might on his own.   
  
“Did you have a nightmare?” the blonde asked while smiling at him softly, pulling him closer with his arm around his waist. Hyungwon felt surprised at the pianist remaining in his bed despite it being late morning, most likely having better things to do than keeping him warm. He couldn’t remember having had any nightmare, real life was kinda doing the job already, but his skin was a little clammy from cold sweat.

“What makes you think that?”   
  
Hoseok searched for something in his eyes before answering.    
  
“You talked. And it didn’t sound all that happy, so I thought it must’ve been a nightmare.” The other man’s body almost melted into his, so hot and dry instead of Hyungwon’s cold one. His eyes widened almost immediately, panic over what he might have said spreading like a disease. Shit, he could have said anything.

“I see. What did I say?” he asked, closing his eyes and inhaling slowly to calm down and not be too obviously affected by his thoughts. The situation was surreal, both of them lying in his bed instead of staying in their respective rooms and occupying themselves with their work. The past week had fucking ruined everything.   
  
“Nothing much, but I’m glad you’re okay now.” Hoseok placed a kiss on his shoulder. Fuck, why was he always so affectionate? Hyungwon melted into the touch and pressed himself closer, burying his nose in the other man’s hair as he had in the middle of the night while the other had slept. The distinct smell of chocolate was always there.

He hummed in agreement, not willing to speak about his state of mind and preferably just remain like that for eternity. However, life wasn’t nice enough to grant him that, so he had to get his fucking shit together and prepare for his first day of work, salvage what could be salvaged instead of almost crying in the middle of the night like the pathetic piece of shit that he was.

He let go of Hoseok’s shoulders and slid a little further away, attempting to leave the bed and get ready for the day, get his face in form just like his body and play the same fucking game all over again.

“I have a performance today and my playlist isn’t quite ready, so I think the two of us should get the fuck out of the bed.”   
  
Hoseok pulled him back into his embrace, not letting go, grip like a cage.   
  
“Give me five minutes. Please,” the blonde whispered against his shoulder. Hyungwon froze in reply, remaining still in his arms and closing his eyes.

“Whatever you desire,” he whispered, realizing the degree to which he had already lost control of the situation. Hoseok only listened to him when he was between his legs and even that seemed to have changed.

_ Just let him hug you if he wants to, Hyungwon. _ _   
_ __   
The man buried his face in the crook of his neck. Hyungwon felt hot air hitting the skin and small kisses Hoseok placed here and there, hands holding his back desperately, chest pressed against the warm muscular body.

_ He’s hooked, Hyungwon. Keep him while you can. _

He didn’t hesitate anymore and immediately circled his arms back around Hoseok, holding him tight and grinning at him.

“Will I get a kiss too?” he asked teasingly, eyebrow lifted and lips easily forming a pout.   
  
Hoseok lifted his head and placed a soft kiss against his lips, staring up into his eyes, searching for something again, before smiling brightly.   
  
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I knocked my head against your door. You’re still not healthy and I just keep doing whatever I want.” The other man buried his blonde head in the crook of his neck again.

Hyungwon chuckled, unable to stop himself, letting his right hand caress Hoseok’s hair. It was so strange to be the one to console. It had never been his area of expertise. Minhyuk was usually happy with a few selfies and a few nice words but nothing like this.

“I’m perfectly healthy, don’t worry about it. Just make sure to eat. In addition you didn’t break my door so meh,” Hyungwon answered, voice calm and teasing, fingers still sliding through blond strands.   
  
After they managed to stand up and get dressed, Hoseok got a call, running around and talking about recording and equipment, asking whether he could do something on his piano at home and looking over to Hyungwon every five seconds for no reason whatsoever. He leaned against the kitchen counter and stared at the floor for at least three minutes without moving while Hyungwon stuffed a sandwich into his mouth.

Whatever the phone call was about, Hoseok seemed to hate recording away from home. Which meant that they would see each other more and Hyungwon would have to compose knowing that Hoseok would be around. Usually he would have detested it, but he couldn’t help a smile at the thought that the beautiful man would be around, playing piano.

“What was that about?” he asked before inhaling the second half of his sandwich and almost choking, breathing in at the wrong time. Swallowing the whole thing down with water he watched Hoseok and his spaced out form.   
  
“When do you have to go? For your gig?” Hoseok looked up, still a little out of it and not answering his question but throwing other questions at him in return. Somehow him not replying was some fucked up pattern. Maybe Hyungwon needed to be a horrible tease to actually get information out of the other man?   


“It’s at 2 AM, so I still have some time. What are your plans?” he asked while walking over to Hoseok, pushing his glass of water into his hand, mostly filled. “And drink that.”   
  
“I want to rape your ears with me playing for about 1,5 hours. You need to sit next to me. Can you do that? It’s important. Please,” the blonde whispered not looking at him and just randomly staring at the water in the glass. Couldn’t he just fucking drink?

Hyungwon rolled his eyes and brought the glass closer to Hoseok’s face, giving him a serious stare before smiling.

“Yeah sure, as long as the raping really won’t involve your dick cause I’m down for a lot of shit, but that’s kinda...yeah.” He winked at Hoseok and pointed at the glass of water with his eyes, waiting for Hoseok to finally drink it as he was supposed to.   
  
Hoseok’s eyes widened and he spit the water back into the glass.    
  
“What the fuck!” The other man coughed and held his chest for a whole minute before looking up and staring, the same searching look in place. What was he looking for all the time? Was there something on Hyungwon’s face? Shit.

“Is something up with my face?” he immediately asked, worried that there were imperfections covering and blemishing his skin that he had overlooked. There was no other reason for Hoseok to be so scrutinizing otherwise. “And why are you so shocked? Didn’t you watch Scary Movie? Where the guy got fucked in the ear?”   
  
“He died.” Hoseok started laughing out of the blue. “He got fucked in the ear and died, Hyungwon, what the fuck?” 

Okay, Hoseok could be pretty damn creepy when he laughed out of context. There was no way that he just belatedly understood the sarcasm. Hyungwon stepped away a little to give him more space for his outburst and watched him for a few moments.

“Well yes, eventually. That’s why I said I hope that it won’t involve your dick. God damn, it was a joke, Hoseok. I just said that I’m not up for ear rape. Chill.” He took a tissue from the kitchen counter and cleaned up the water that had missed the glass during Hoseok’s spurting incident.   
  
“Tell me when you’re ready. My playing is not perfect, but I’m pretty sure you won’t die from it.” He smiled but it looked like a stab in the groin, then he emptied the glass and went over to the living room.

Hyungwon groaned in frustration. Hoseok had misunderstood him and assumed that he wanted to insult the fucking god-like playing he was able to pull off. What the actual fuck? How could someone who played piano so well genuinely believe that anybody could consider it shit? He followed Hoseok, sitting down on the couch and took a deep breath.

“Now is fine. You got me wrong. Your playing is fucking amazing and I’d pay shitloads of money to hear it. You’re really good so hit me with it.” Hyungwon still didn’t understand why Hoseok needed him to be there, but if that’s how it was then he would sit there until the blonde didn’t want him anymore.    
  
“Closer,” Hoseok exhaled, already sitting on his piano chair and staring at the keys.

_ Closer? _

What the hell was this about? Hyungwon didn’t understand anything. The grand piano was loud enough to hear it in his room with bose headphones on if Hoseok went all out, so why the fuck did he need to be closer to listen to him play?

“But why?” he couldn’t help asking. If Hoseok wanted him to do something he wanted to know why.

_ Just do it, Hyungwon. Don’t question him all the time or he might get tired of you. _

“Nevermind, how close?” He stood up and walked towards Hoseok, stopping next to the piano and leaning against the edge, similar to how he had listened to the beautiful man back in the prep room. Before he had lost his control and jumped him without a conscience and any sense of self-preservation.   
  
“Like this should be enough. Let’s see.” Hoseok closed his eyes and a small smile appeared on his face before he pressed a key and the fingers basically flew over the whole width of the piano. The melody was so beautiful and mesmerizing, smile in place, eyes closed and body moving on its own.

It was one of the pieces Hoseok had played the past seven days. Hyungwon had heard it often enough to recognize it easily. He didn’t need his own piano skills to know that the blonde was a professional, playing the instrument as much as the instrument played him. No matter how much he joked around, he would have been able to spend years just sitting next to Hoseok and watching him play. It was mesmerizing and removed every unnecessary thought from his head, just raw music and emotions filling out all the space.

Just like before he stood up and crossed the meter that was between them, placing his hands on Hoseok’s shoulders and closing his eyes. He enjoyed how he didn’t only hear the music but also felt it through Hoseok’s body, tension increasing and reducing depending on what he was playing. It was breathtaking.   
  
Hoseok finished the piece and turned around, grabbing his hands and staring up, a plain scared expression in his eyes.   
  
“Help me. Please.” 

Hyungwon felt overwhelmed by the sincerity in Hoseok’s eyes. He was unsure what exactly the other man was requesting but willing to give it either way. Whatever the fuck the pianist wanted from him he could have it all.

“I will. I definitely will. Just tell me what you need, Hoseok, and you can have it all,” he murmured, holding onto Hoseok’s pale, but partially hurt fingers, remembering that he wanted to do something about them the day before.

_ You can’t even remember to take care of him properly. How the hell do you want to help him? _

He casted a glance to the ground, hating himself for his inability to remember and take care of the most basic things.    
  
“Show me. Show me the void,” Hoseok whispered, holding onto his hands and staring up into his eyes. Hyungwon stared right back and didn’t understand shit.

_ What the hell is he talking about? _

He freed his hands and took a deep breath, taking a glance at the piano before removing some stray strand from his forehead and sighing.

“I have no idea what you are talking about, Hoseok. You make no fucking sense to me.”   
  
The blonde stood up from his chair and came so close that their thighs were touching.    
  
“Screw the void, I know it’s there but who am I for you to show me? I’m nobody. Fact is, I can’t play if you are not next to me. I’m useless if you’re not standing here and touching my shoulders like that. I can’t do anything. I have to record but I can’t if you’re not there.” Hoseok wore the most bitter expression Hyungwon had ever seen on those features while he spoke, mouth spread in a mocking smile, directed at himself. 

“That’s bullshit, Hoseok. I heard you play the past days and it was great. What’s your problem?” Hyungwon really wanted to believe him, he did. But it sounded like a pathetic excuse to have him around although he didn’t really need him there. Being needed would have been amazing, really, but it was just too wishful. Who the hell needed to have company to play piano properly?

_ Why the fuck would he need you? You and no one else? Laughable. _ _   
_ __   
“You make it sound so easy. But you are right, all of you are right, what’s my problem, seriously?” Hoseok exhaled and walked towards his room, closing the door after himself.

_ Shit. You fucked up, Hyungwon. You fucked up tremendously. _

Of course he did. He had kind of hoped he would be able to keep this together for a little longer than a night, but it looked like it wasn’t meant to be. 

_ Bullshit. _

He couldn’t just let him disappear into his room and be devastated, he needed to believe him. Do what he wanted so that he would stay. Do everything. If Hoseok wanted him to be there then he would be fucking there and not doubt his words. Fuck.

Hyungwon ran after him, opening the door without knocking and standing in the frame, completely out of place.

“I’m sorry, I’m an idiot. I’ll be there when you play. I promise. I just can’t understand why you would need...me,” Hyungwon whispered, insecurities lacing into his words, the further the sentence progressed.   
  
Hoseok sat on the floor leaning against the wall, pale face turned towards him.    
  
“You’re right. Who the fuck am I to ask you for stuff like that? I should just…deal with it, fuck.” Tears filled his eyes and he threw his head back, banging loudly against the wall.

“No, no no no,” Hyungwon muttered, panic rising from where it had rested in the depths of his stomach, just waiting to slip right out and poison his words and actions. He ran over to Hoseok and pushed his palm between Hoseok’s head and the wall, unwilling to let him hurt himself like that. His other hand brushed over the pale cheek, removing a few pearl-like tears. “It’s me, Hoseok. It’s me. Who the fuck  _ am I  _ to deny something as simple as that? Why would you need someone like me? Why not...I don’t know. Someone who actually plays piano well and someone you like. Ah shit, just. Let me be next to you when you play, okay? Please?”   
  
“It’s not someone like you. There is only you, it can’t be anyone else. I’m sorry, I’m sorry for asking and I’m sorry for coming to you yesterday, fuck, why don’t I know basic human etiquette?” The blonde sucked in a breath before exhaling roughly. “I would’ve said the only thing I can do well is play piano, but even that is a fucking lie.” He laughed while a tear rolled down his cheek in contrast to the fake smile.

_ He needs you, Hyungwon. He needs you and you told him to fuck himself right to his face. Give him fucking everything and hope he’ll hurt you like you fucking deserve. _

Hyungwon curled his arms around Hoseok’s neck, pressing him to his chest instead of the wall, stroking his hair and forcing himself to stay composed. He was going to make everything okay again and give him everything he needed.

“I have never heard anyone who played piano as well as you do, Hoseok. And I have played a considerable amount of years myself. I’ll be there I swear. I’ll be next to you when you play. I’ll be wherever the fuck you want me to be. Please don’t cry and please don’t leave. I’ll do anything you like. I promise,” he whispered into Hoseok’s hair, hands sliding down to his back.   
  
“Why don’t you kick me in the balls instead? Would be a fitting reaction to my idiotic behaviour,” Hoseok breathed into his skin, hands finding his body and holding on, as if scared to let go. Hyungwon just shook his head furiously, squeezing Hoseok tighter, afraid that he’d abandon him and disappear somewhere if he let go. It was a stupid thought but strong enough to turn his limbs into steel, unwilling to bulge and too damn scared.   
  
“I thought you were the black pest and I was a victim when we first met. Turns out it was the other way around.” He said it so quietly that Hyungwon almost missed it. It felt like his blood stopped flowing and just burned instead, corroding through his skin and leaving him empty and decomposed.

What did Hoseok mean? Did he realize although Hyungwon had played it cool?

_ You were never good with hiding your feelings, Hyungwon, not back then and not now. Crying your heart out because of a melody is the perfect example for that. _

“W-what do you mean?”   
  
“I mean that you deserve better than being dragged around by me and my inability to get my shit together.” Hoseok smiled bitterly and tried to stand up.

Hyungwon held on as if it was the sinking titanic, trying to keep him in place and scared that if he’d leave he wouldn’t ask for him again. Shit, Hyungwon wanted Hoseok to need him, so fucking bad. Thank god he hadn’t realized that Hyungwon already placed his head on the tracks, chains tying his hands.

“I want to, Hoseok. I want you to drag me around and play for me. You make me feel something when you play. I want to hear it.” He took a deep breath and buried his nails in Hoseok’s shoulders. “Before you didn’t want to play for me and now that you finally do, I want to hear it. All of it.”   
  
The expression on the other man’s face changed and he slid his index finger over the yellow marks on his wrists slowly, biting down on his lower lip hard.    
  
“Where is your gig today?” Hoseok asked out of nowhere.

Why was that relevant? Hyungwon looked him in the eyes, trying to figure out what he was thinking and whether he had given in. He needed to know whether Hoseok would play for him. Hyungwon needed him to, more than anything else. Realizing that he was probably hurting the other man he quickly released the tension in his fingers, which had still been pressing into Hoseok’s skin.

“I’m sorry, you are probably still hurt from yesterday,” he remarked, remembering how he scratched along the other man’s back without restrain, mind clouded by pleasure. “It’s just a famous gay club in the center.”   
  
“I’m not hurt at all. Where in the center? Want me to google it?” Hoseok looked up in question.

“Ehm, why?” Hyungwon was confused. He knew where the gig was. He didn’t need Hoseok to google it. Just like every fucking time he would either walk by foot or take a taxi, since the public transport sucked at around 5 AM. “I know where it is.”   
  
“I’ll pick you from there after you’re done. Where is it?” 

_ What? _

“Why would you need to pick me up, Hoseok? It’ll be almost 5AM, are you crazy? Don’t you think your body suffered too much from sleep deprivation by now to bother with picking me up in the middle of the night? I’m a grown ass man. What the actual fuck?” It made no fucking sense. Hyungwon was not someone in danger to be picked up from a venue. He was perfectly fine. Did Hoseok want to show everyone that they were close again? Hadn’t they done enough already?   
  
The other man sighed in annoyance before turning towards his face again.   
  
“Nevermind, I’ll google it then. 5AM is perfect.” Hyungwon just stared at him, unable to comprehend why the fuck he would be so stuck on picking him up.

“As you wish. It’s called ‘Roses’,” he replied nonchalantly and let go of Hoseok, finally standing up. “Then tell me when you want to record, so I can be there. Okay?”   
  
The other hummed in agreement and stood up.    
  
“Take your phone.” 

Who was Hyungwon to deny his requests anyway? Making sure that his phone was safely in his pocket he disappeared in his room to prepare his playlist. Why Hoseok felt the need to pick him up was a mystery, but Hyungwon was unable to suppress the ridiculous spurt of happiness in his chest, glad that Hoseok would be willing to make such sacrifices for his sake, wasting his time and sleep just to pick Hyungwon up from work.

_ Unless he wants to show everyone how close you are. Don’t be too positive, Hyungwon. Careful, don’t fall into that hole you dug yourself. _

 

***

  
  


He was okay being alone. Being alone meant he could listen to music and play piano, think what he wanted to think and do what he wanted to do, without being forced to deal with other people’s words. Hoseok had been alone since he was little. The piano had raised him. He had talked to it when he had a hard time and his parents worried finding him crying in front of it and screaming at it. That was just the way he had lived for the past 20 years.   
  
Coming to a new city and country, he had been forced to communicate more. It was not that he wasn’t able to. It was ironic how everybody thought he was so social and open-minded, although he just thought about going home and playing piano. He felt alone. He was alone but it was okay. He had a lot of sex with random women, went to parties and drank. He sang on stage and chatted with his manager and friends, but all those things were just pathetic attempts to feel more than he felt when he was alone. They were all in vain. He was still alone.   
  
He hadn’t been able to become a concert pianist because of his performance anxiety. He knew it since he was little and the countless hours of cognitive and behavioural psychotherapy didn’t really help. They did, but not against anxiety. It started when he was six, the chance to get rid of it had been rather small. He had thought about quitting piano before, but what had he been thinking? It was the only thing he was living for. That's why he had still decided to study piano and composition in Berlin five years ago.    
  
And now he was in his new, shared apartment in Kreuzberg, telling his flatmate, no, the solution to all his problems, that he accidentally met and intertwined his life with, that he needed him. He told him that he wanted to see the void, that he wanted him to be around because he wasn’t able to play otherwise, throwing twenty years of agony and anguish right into his face, naked and covered only by the warmth Hyungwon’s hands gave him. Until the other man removed them.    
  
“That’s bullshit, Hoseok. I heard you play the past days and it was great. What’s your problem?”    
  
He would’ve laughed out loud. If it hadn’t been Hyungwon.    
  
_ Really, Hoseok, what’s your problem? _ _   
_ _   
_ The black-haired man made it sound so easy, so fucking simple, not worth the years of merciless abuse of his body, destructiveness and self-hate. He made him look stupid and worthless in a couple of seconds.    
  
__ That’s why you’re always alone unless you’re having sex. 

_ Why would he stay next to you? Who the fuck are you to demand it? Did you see those eyes? You don’t even have problems, shit. _   
  
But there he was. Fuck, Hoseok felt so overwhelmed and helpless. The man in front of him said he would do anything, touching him tenderly and offering himself on a fucking plate just for Hoseok to use.   
  
_ Sure, use him, just like the lyrics of the song he wrote, the one you fucking cried at. Like the bruises on his wrists and shoulders, like the wound on his head, why don’t you use him like that? _ _   
_ _   
_ Hoseok felt like vomiting, at himself, at the selfishness, at the disgusting wish to have a solution for his problem. He was greedy to keep the other next to him to have those eyes staring down, void screaming at him and black pitch spreading through his insides. Hoseok wanted to melt in it again. He wanted to become part of it.   
  
_ Who the fuck are you to be part of it, Hoseok? You used his open personality for your own greed and he tries to console you. Fuck, you fucking asshole. _   
  
His fingers stroked over the other's bruised wrists. He breathed blackness and the look in Hyungwon’s eyes made him remember those words the beautiful man had whispered against his chest while sleeping. ‘Just hurt me, but fuck, don’t leave, please.’ Hoseok thought he had misunderstood, but the black-haired man had kept repeating them like a mantra.    
  
_ Just tell him. Just tell him how he makes you feel. Tell him that you can feel music, that you don’t want to vanish anymore, that he can stop the pain. That he can replace your anxiety with tingling passion. That he is your solution, your maestro and your music. That you don’t want to be alone anymore.  _ _   
_ _   
_ __ And then?   
  
Nothing. It would’ve just satisfied his own greed to share those things, so he didn’t.    
  
Seeing those thin wrists in front of his eyes, he wanted to kill the person that did it. Again. The one who dared to touch them. He felt like boiling and decided to pick Hyungwon up from the gig. 

Why? He didn’t know. He just wanted to.   
  
_ To be able to break the person who dared to touch Hyungwon in return? Nice idea, Hoseok.  _ _   
_ __   
He didn’t want Hyungwon to leave for the gig.    
  
Fuck.   
  
He didn’t want to be alone anymore.    
  
_

  
  
He hadn’t been able to sleep. Why, why was everything such a mess? Why did he need company all of a sudden, why did he think about Hyungwon all the time? Because he needed to hand in the recording at the company on Sunday? Yes, probably.    
  
_ No. _   
  
However, he had to pick up the DJ just like he promised. It was 4:30 AM, normal people were sleeping, but Hoseok was a fucking weirdo with strange affection. His insides burned when he put on his black converse chucks and a leather jacket, not giving a shit about the cold because he needed to freeze to feel the scale of his stupidity to the fullest.   
  
The way to the club was over a crowded street. It was Friday and full of people walking around, talking, smoking and laughing. It was nice to be among people. Not for conversation, just to feel a little different.    
  
The club was lit up in bright red lights and pretty crowded for the time of the night, or better morning. A couple of dudes were standing outside and smoking. None of them were Hyungwon, so Hoseok just stayed next to a streetlight and got his phone out, writing a short message that he had already arrived.

He got a quick reply. Hyungwon mentioned that he had to ‘get some dick off his ass (almost literally)’ and that he’d be right out as soon as he packed up his equipment and got that settled. Several smiling and vomiting emojis were added behind the message, similar to the way Hyungwon had written messages back when he didn’t know that Hoseok was his roommate.

Thinking before acting? Overrated. Hoseok walked into the club, body moving before he even knew what he wanted to do once inside. People were dancing to one of Hyungwon’s songs, dancefloor emptier than it had been at the festival, probably due to the closing time approaching. It wasn’t the DJ mixing since there was nobody behind the equipment. However, Hyungwon was most likely close by. A few men waved or smiled at Hoseok as he made his way through the crowd but he couldn’t care less, eyes searching for a lean and black-haired figure until he saw him. 

Hyungwon was dressed in tight black jeans, a red shirt and a leather jacket draped over his left shoulder, standing outside the DJ booth and giving two guys in ‘staff’ shirts instructions on where to put things. A man was standing next to him, about the DJ’s height, buff and murmuring something into Hyungwon’s ear, one hand resting on his lower back, covering most of it like a bear's paw.   
  
He stopped. Red lava rushed through his veins and he had no idea what to do with the thick cloud numbing his senses at the sight. Why did the dude touch him? Nobody could touch him, no-fucking-body had the right to.    
  
_ As if you have the fucking right to, Hoseok.  _   
  
He had no right. Hyungwon was not some kind of possession that somebody else dared to touch. He was a human being that did what he wanted and talked to who he wanted to talk to, who was Hoseok to interfere? He had no right, he had no reason, no resolution and no thoughts, but he had adrenaline in his veins and a body that was able to move around and that was exactly what he did.    
  
He closed the distance in a matter of seconds, muscles so tense and strong, he felt like flying up those stairs.    
_   
_ __ You should’ve thought about what you were going to do before running here, Hoseok, what the fuck are you?   
  
He walked over like in some bad movie and grabbed Hyungwon’s hand.    
  
“Hey, I thought I’d come in. It’s fucking cold outside.” Hoseok smiled brightly, like a fucking sun, without a fucking reason and absolutely unfitting to his inner state - a burning pit he wanted to throw people in, preferably the one person behind Hyungwon. Screw it, all of them.

The beautiful man glanced up, focusing on his face and his large eyes widened even further, obviously surprised at seeing Hoseok, at his behaviour or just at both. The full-body-sized attachment next to the black-haired man just frowned, slowly removing his hand from Hyungwon's thin lower back and smiling awkwardly, obviously uncomfortable.

“Hi, I’m almost done. Are you fine, coming in here?” Hyungwon asked eventually and turned to one of the staff members, telling them to be more careful with some random piece of equipment Hoseok wasn’t familiar with.    
  
Fine? He wasn’t fucking fine. He was a volcano and that shit was about to erupt.    
  
“Sure. Can I help you somehow?” he asked nonchalantly, while being surprised at the level of his usually non-existent acting skills.

Hyungwon smiled at him and rolled his eyes towards the back, indicating that he was annoyed with the guy behind him and shook his head before screaming some more instructions, battling the music, which had been turned up for the final. The guy next to him leaned over to say something into his ear, most likely nothing too fascinating as Hyungwon’s eyes widened again and he just stared at the guy, for several seconds.   
  
“Something wrong?” Hoseok pulled his lowest voice out of nowhere, staring past Hyungwon, catching the dude’s gaze. Shit, he felt like bursting, which was a very bad thing. Being a black belt in taekwondo was a bad thing, being so strangely angry was a bad thing, Hyungwon’s vulnerable gaze was a bad thing, shit.    
  
_ Piano, Hoseok, you have to play piano. His ugly face is not worth it. _

Suddenly Hyungwon smiled, unusually brightly before he shook his head and pointed at the guy next to him.

“Nah, everything’s fine. Mark over here was just about to go home,” he answered cheerfully, Mark behind him obviously not quite aware that he was about to go home, but agreeing after putting on the fakest smile Hoseok had ever seen in his life, disappearing into the crowd.

The beautiful black-haired man sighed in relief and his posture lost some of its straightness, making it clear how tense he had been. Acting might have been his forte.   
  
The lava was still in place. He couldn’t believe that people just randomly touched Hyungwon, without being asked to. That’s probably how all those women in the club felt. Why couldn’t people just keep their hands to themselves for fuck’s sake? Hoseok hated everybody. Every-fucking-body.    
  
_ Where did your social, open personality go,  Hoseok? Smile around and be the nice idiot you can act out so well. Why are you staring like a tiger that is about to hunt _ ?

“You fine, Hoseok?” Hyungwon asked carefully, probably realizing the mix of emotions on his face. “I just finished.”   
  
Home. He wanted to go home and punch a pillow there. Repeatedly. A lot of times, until it ripped apart.    
  
_ Breathe, Hoseok, fucking breathe, oxygen will help you survive this shit.  _   
  
“Let’s go home,” he breathed out. Hyungwon placed a warm hand on his arm, obviously worried.

“No offense, but you look like you want to have human flesh for dinner,” he eventually said with a grin, giving some guy in the back a thumbs up and turning on his heel, pulling at Hoseok’s arm to follow him through the crowd.   
  
“Breakfast, it’s almost breakfast time,” Hoseok answered, not giving a single fuck. How did he manage to drop his carefully built up shell in what felt like three seconds?

“Doesn’t change the fact that it’s human flesh, sweetheart,” Hyungwon whispered into his ear, fighting against the constant buzzing of music until they were finally outside, fresh air hitting their faces, paired with cigarette smoke and what could be obviously identified as marihuana.   
  
Hoseok stopped and sucked in a really long, strained breath, throwing his head back in the process. Hyungwon laughed, holding onto his shoulder and bending in half before coming back up and grinning at him.

“You sure you want to breathe that? Feels like enough to get you high just from standing here for two minutes.”   
  
Please. He needed something to calm the fuck down. Hoseok turned around to face Hyungwon. He looked so good, his clothes and his hair, beautiful facial features, skin shimmering in a mixture of gold and silver and lips red under the the light of the street lantern.   
  
_ Fuck _ .   
  
Hyungwon was smiling at him, hands quickly taking his leather jacket off his shoulder to pull it over his arms properly, obviously realizing that it would never be warm enough for the weather.

“Fuck,” he cursed. “Why do I always do this? Leather jacket always wins in looks but never in warmth. That’s what I get for trying to look hot.”   
  
“Congrats. Why would you want to look hot? You always look like some person from a magazine.” It was the truth, why would he want to look hot? For other guys to come and touch him? Shit, Hoseok wanted to punch a tree.

Hyungwon smirked as if he had just won the lottery, all satisfied and happy, mouth huge.

“For you, cause you were going to pick me up and obviously it worked.” He jumped up and down a little, freezing with that slim body of his. “Can we like- you know, move?”   
  
Hoseok remembered the first time he had drunk soda as a small kid. The feeling when the sparkling water runs down your throat and arrives at the stomach, bubbling and spreading the tingling feeling all over your body. Shit, Hyungwon told him he was looking good for him and Hoseok felt like the black-haired man had shoved a liter of fanta down his throat. Everything sparkled from excitement.    
  
_ Are you twelve,  Hoseok? _   
  
Eleven and a half. 

He didn’t care, but the other was cold, it sucked. Hoseok wasn’t, his turtleneck was warm enough for the short walk, so he stretched his jacket in Hyungwon’s direction, as if he didn’t need it in the first place, eyes looking somewhere above the other's pretty face. 

The black-haired man stared at him for a few second before he sighed.

“I would say all that bullshit about being a guy and not needing it and hating all that cheesy shit, but I’m a fucking hoe for it and freezing, so thanks,” he said and grabbed the jacket with quick hands,  pulling it on top of his and looking much happier than before. “Thank god, your shoulders are fucking huge.”  
  
“How was the gig?” Hoseok asked as they started walking towards their apartment, streets a little less crowded and cold air hinting at the beginning of winter.   


“Fucking awesome, I really missed performing,” Hyungwon replied, jumping around a little, probably still to keep warm. “Except for that dude whispering kinky shit in my ear, duh. He went all out after he saw you.”

Volcano? He was a fucking tectonic plate. 

_ Grand canyon, bitch.  _   
  
His eyes widened and fingers clenched into fists, remembering the dude’s face. Shit, his intuition never let him down. He fought with the wish to go back and kick Mark in the balls, because he wouldn’t be forced to use his hand and it would’ve hurt and Mark would’ve stopped thinking about kinky shit for the next two weeks. 

Hyungwon just kept on jumping a little, curious gaze directed at Hoseok’s boiling self.

“He offered to DP with you like a weirdo. Man, I don’t do that shit anymore,” he commented, shaking his head a little and placing his arm around Hoseok’s shoulders.   
  
Hoseok stopped walking and crouched down in the middle of the pedestrian walk, letting out a desperate groan. Fuck, he couldn’t get his shit together anymore. It was 5AM and he wanted to dropkick the Mark guy and close Hyungwon in at home and never let him out.    
  
_ Why are you like this? Are you his mom? Or his friend? You’re nobody to him, Hoseok. Get your shit straight.  _

Hyungwon stared at him in shock, arm remaining in the air for a few seconds before he looked a little in panic.

“Crap, was the arm around your shoulders too much? I thought after penetration and shit that would be the least of your problems.”   
  
_ Hoseok, calm the fuck down. He’s not your fucking possession. He can do whatever he wants, with whomever he wants. You’re no-one, nobody, a flatmate, a stranger.  _ _   
_ __   
“Sorry, let’s go home.” He stood up and tried to breathe in and out to calm himself. He had no idea how to deal with feelings like that. He had never been in a proper relationship, only fucking around since he had discovered sex. His only friend never evoked feelings like that in him. What kind of strange shit was that? 

“No arm around your shoulders then?” Hyungwon asked carefully, as if that was the fucking problem.   
  
“Are you fucking kidding me? Throw your legs over my shoulders, I don’t care,” Hoseok answered, still not over the whole thing in the club. Hyungwon’s eyes narrowed a little.

“Really?”   
  
His brain turned to mashed potatoes, the pressure and anger, adrenaline and a little anguish mixed together and he just stopped in the middle of the street like a madman and curled his arms around the other man's thin waist, realizing how much he had missed being close, how beautiful it felt and how clear the chords were, just from Hyungwon’s proximity. Hoseok pressed him closer. 

The other man’s arms curled around his neck automatically and he smiled widely again, mouth taking up his whole face.

“If you hadn’t done that, you’d have had about three seconds before I’d have pushed you.” He paused and pointed at the grey wall behind Hoseok. “Into that wall over there.” Then he laughed loudly. “Nevermind, I’d have just jumped your waist cause you wouldn’t fucking bulge no matter how hard I push you.”   
  
He felt so overwhelmed again, seeing the beautiful, authentic smile made his lungs clench. 

Hoseok kissed him. Fuck, he couldn’t bring himself to care about anything, anything but the answer to the question whether Hyungwon was okay with it. He got his answer with the way the other's beautiful lips moved against his, tongue licking inside his mouth and taking over the kiss easily, exploring and inviting Hoseok in, brushing his lower lip.   
  
It didn’t feel cold at all. It was warm, so incredibly warm, even the music felt warm. Everything seemed to be closed in inside a capsule, cold air staying outside and only warmth spreading everywhere. 

“Just kiss me like this all the time so I don’t freeze, Hoseok,” Hyungwon murmured against his lips, cold nose pressing into Hoseok’s cheek.   
  
“I want to.” He wanted it so much, to just be able to kiss him whenever he wanted.

Hyungwon’s eyes got bigger and he put some more space between their faces, enough to see each other in focus instead of a beautifu,l blurry mess.

“Then do it whenever you want, Hoseok,” he whispered, gaze so emotional and vulnerable. It would have been difficult to look away, had Hoseok wanted to. He didn’t, he wanted to see it, he waited to see it, the black void. It tingled down his arms and constricted his lungs.    
  
“Can you promise me something?” Hoseok asked, looking into those eyes, beautiful and deep like the black mass waiting behind them. The gorgeous man didn’t even hesitate a second before he replied.

“Anything.”   
  
“Please kick me in the balls if I try to get something you don’t want to give me,” Hoseok whispered against his plump lips, making sure the other man could hear every word, arms pressing his slim body closer. 

Hyungwon chuckled, but it sounded hollow.

“I doubt there is anything that I don’t want to give you, Hoseok. But sure, as you wish.”   
  
Shit. The scale of impact those words had, hit Hoseok like a wrecking ball, lungs unable to hold any air, muscles flexing and teeth biting down on his lip to suppress any additional reaction.    
  
“Kick me in the balls if I hurt you then.” His voice cracked at the end, leaving a dampened silence, hands still holding Hyungwon impossibly close to his chest. 

“Anything you want, Hoseok.”   
  
He kissed him again, not able to handle the mass of emotions flowing through his veins, numbing his senses, the chords screaming something at him, something he couldn’t perceive and decipher. He prefered to lose himself in the warm sensation, feeling so much better than those thoughts.

Hyungwon kissed back intently, continuously pressing his cold nose against Hoseok’s warm skin and smiling whenever their lips touched. After a while he pushed against Hoseok’s shoulders to interrupt.

“I love kissing you, but it’s fucking cold and I’m not getting naked in the middle of a street where I could freeze my dick off. No offense,” he said with a genuine smile and pulled Hoseok’s arm in the direction of their flat.   
  
Hoseok was so good at shutting down his surroundings. He didn’t care, it could’ve been winter or summer, rain or sun, he would’ve stayed there, pressing the other man's body closer and kissing those plump lips. He smiled back and walked next to the black-haired man, not saying a word until they arrived at their building. 

Hyungwon opened the door quickly and ran up the one flight of stairs, fumbling for a while until he finally managed and yelled in success, throwing the door open and screaming something along the lines of ‘fucking finally! I can’t feel my dick anymore’ before taking off his shoes quickly, both jackets landing on the hangers.

Standing in the middle of the hallway he stared at Hoseok and stretched out his arms, smiling brightly.

“All yours.” Then he suddenly let them fall next to his hips, smile fading. “If you want to of course.”  
  
Fuck, Hoseok felt like crying all of a sudden, thinking about the melody and the song, and the way Hyungwon cried next to the piano, the way he said sorry, the way he just stood there looking at him, the expression on his face stabbing Hoseok in the lungs.   
  
_Run, fucking run, Hoseok._   
  
He closed the distance in seconds, curling his arms around Hyungwon's thin body, whispering into his ear and placing small kisses against the cool skin of his neck.   
  
“If you want to. What kind of stupid question is that?”

Hyungwon just shrugged in his arms, not answering and simply hugging back, melting a little the more time passed, hands finding Hoseok’s blond strands and pulling lightly.   
  
“I want you to sleep in my bed today. Will I get kicked in the balls?” Hoseok whispered against his lips. 

Hyungwon shook his head, placing kisses on Hoseok’s jugular up to his chin before licking over his ear and resting his chin on his shoulder.   
  
He felt selfish but he couldn’t help it. The prominent feeling of loneliness was replaced by emptiness when Hyungwon was not around. Something was missing, the beautiful, tall man was missing and everything sucked without him. 

Hoseok didn’t even care what the whole thing was. Were they friends? That was not the way friends behaved towards each other. Flatmates? Strangers? Lovers? He had no idea. He refused to put it anywhere, the boxes provided were too limited to fit Hyungwon in there, so he didn’t bother.    
  
He just placed him next to his piano. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hyungwon has some serious issues as you might have noticed, those will get more detailed in the next couple of chapters. Hoseok is in love. Badly.
> 
> Music reccommendations:  
> Amy Winehouse - Tears dry on their own  
> Halsey - Colors  
> Halsey - Eyes closed
> 
> Next Update on January 22th at 4 PM CET.
> 
> We write one character each,  
> @Hichanchen writes Hyungwon (and Minhyuk+Jooheon) and  
> @Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok (and Kihyun+Changkyun)
> 
> Hit us up on Twitter  
> @Hichanchen  
> @Smut_Hemingway
> 
> We are extremely happy about every comment and every click. You are one of the major reasons we write. (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	12. 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Because I didn’t give a shit. Because I didn’t want anything, but now I want it. I want all of it and I want him and nobody else, thank you very much.”

Resistance was pointless, absolutely pointless. No matter how much Hyungwon wanted to keep believing that Hoseok wasn't interested in the way he wanted him to be, and simply acted out of complex selfish motives that Hyungwon just didn't understand, the other man's actions were telling a different story. A story in which he was jealous of a man who tried to come on to Hyungwon, gave him his jacket although it was freezing cold, hands already painfully blue, and kissed him in the middle of a sidewalk.

_ Telling you that he wants to kiss you all the time. How could you dare to wish for more than that? _

He was happy. So fucking happy that he easily told Hoseok to do as he wished. Hyungwon was the other man’s to own since he had wiped the first tear that rolled down his cheek. There was no point in fighting it, warmth taking over him and bubbling in his chest, feelings familiar and pleasant. 

Love was a wonderful feeling until it went to shit. 

Hyungwon stared at Hoseok, the fear that he wouldn't wish to continue kissing him spreading quickly, like the black death, eyes wide and each second ripping an additional wound into his chest. 

“Can you promise me something?”

Hoseok’s voice was soft, eyes focused on him and pushing his fear back just as quickly as it appeared. The beautiful man emanated so much strength, strength Hyungwon wished he could possess. He might have had, once, a long time ago, when he had just arrived in Berlin and hadn't thrown himself on the plate like a naive pig, growing and eating, unaware that it was heading for the slaughterhouse. 

His answer was simple. Hyungwon loved Hoseok and there was nothing that he wouldn't have done for the other man. It didn't matter at all, he could do it without question. 

However, the reply had been an unexpected one. Hoseok wanted Hyungwon to kick him in the balls whenever the other demanded something that he didn't want to give. A chuckle was his immediate response. How could Hoseok ask him to do something impossible? There would never be anything that Hyungwon wasn't willing to give. He was Hoseok’s and whatever the pianist wanted, Hyungwon wanted it too. All of it, even if it hurt.

“I doubt there is anything that I don’t want to give you, Hoseok. But sure, as you wish,” he answered and hoped that Hoseok would be satisfied. As long as the ethereal blonde continued kissing him, he was content and didn't require anything or anyone else. Hoseok’s hands around his waist, his warm body against his chest and lips licking over his own was everything he needed to be happy. For this moment to stay Hyungwon was willing to do anything. 

“Kick me in the balls if I hurt you then.” Hoseok’s voice was cracking, hand holding Hyungwon's tightly, pressing it against his chest.

_ But you want him to hurt you, Hyungwon. That's what keeps you under control, calm and not as disgustingly attached as you always are. He probably just doesn't know that he wants to hurt you yet.  _

“Anything you want, Hoseok,” he replied, attempting to satisfy Hoseok’s need for an answer and convince him to go home. The cold was sinking into his limbs like an uninvited guest, secretly eating up his resources while he fought to free himself, in vain. 

The way to the apartment was cold and quiet, euphoria and worry fighting for dominance in Hyungwon's mind. Hoseok was invested and wanted to kiss him, but how easy was it to change his mind? Was one mistake sufficient to make him leave, to abandon Hyungwon with ease?

_ He needs you to play piano, Hyungwon. Hold onto that while you can, it's what gives you value. The only thing that makes you precious. _

Euphoria won when they finally arrived at their shared apartment, cold chasing him up the stairs and filling out his frozen fingertips as he stuck the key in the hole and turned. The warmth greeting him was a blessing. Excitement erupted in his chest as he threw the jackets on the hanger and spread his arms, waiting for Hoseok to take what was his. 

“All yours,” he exclaimed cheerfully. 

_ You're forcing yourself on him, Hyungwon, fuck. Don't be so fucking touchy all the time, you disgusting bitch. _

“If you want to of course,” he added quickly, voice hollow, a perfect mirror image of the way he felt inside. He couldn't just force himself on Hoseok like that. Whenever the beautiful blonde wanted to have him he could, but Hyungwon wasn't entitled to choose whether he wanted him at all. 

But Hoseok did. 

The other man’s strong arms curled around him almost instantly, low voice questioning his doubts and taking up every thought in his head. The prior darkness dissolved into a sweet grey color, feeling like sunshine compared to the repulsive and dirty pitch-black it had been. Hyungwon melted into it, into it all, kissing Hoseok and trying to erase every memory and every perception that wasn't the man holding him. 

He wanted to disappear, completely disintegrate such that only Hoseok was left, taking only the good things with him. 

“I want you to sleep in my bed today. Will I get kicked in the balls?” the other’s low voice asked, so unaware of Hyungwon's inability to deny him. He didn't want to. Having the pianist next to him was everything he ever desired. He shook his head furiously and attached himself permanently to the muscular back and hips, legs surrounding the other man’s waist, head buried in the hot skin of the pianist’s neck, sucking on his jugular and licking over his ear.

“Take me wherever you want me, but take me, Hoseok.”  
  
The blonde man leaned back until their eyes met.   
  
“Who the fuck am I? What did I do to be worth it?” The pianist stared and waited for an answer, eyes so vulnerable and gripping Hyungwon’s hips desperately. 

It was strange how Hoseok seemed to be the vulnerable one although he had everything he wanted. Just Hyungwon was still too scared to lose him.

“You’re you,” he answered simply and added more kisses to warm skin he hadn’t kissed before, wishing to have touched every spot at least once.   
  
“Exactly, so why would you serve yourself on a plate for me although I’m me, and you’re you. Do you want this?” Hoseok stayed absolutely serious and stroked the spots he had gripped too harshly. 

Why would he question that? Hyungwon thought about it. Why was he so willing to give himself up for Hoseok? Because he loved him. It was as simple as that.

“You deserve the world, Hoseok,” he answered and kissed the other man’s lips carefully. “I want it all.”   
  
“Show me,” Hoseok whispered against his lips. “Show me. I want to know everything about you. I want to see everything,” he elaborated and pulled Hyungwon closer, arms circling around his thin waist, impossible to escape.

He smiled, closing the distance between their lips and making sure to keep his legs in place, amazed at Hoseok’s constant displays of strength.

“Then undress me and take it all.”   
  
“I want you to show me what’s inside the void, Hyungwon. What is the song about?” Hoseok spoke calmly while placing small kisses around his jaw and neck. 

Hyungwon felt like his heart stopped, an ice cold shudder running down his back, similar to the near death experience he had back in Amsterdam, in the sauna with Hoseok. Just that back then the cold water had just frozen him physically and now he didn’t even need the ice-like drops to feel paralyzed. 

_ He saw the lyrics, Hyungwon. He knows that it’s not just something you wrote. He probably knows it’s about you even if you let a woman sing it for you. _

Fuck.

“I-” he began, eyes wide and heartbeat hammering in his chest, breathing difficult. He didn’t want to think about this. He didn’t want to. It would just bring everything back and he would end up shedding tears in front of Hoseok, unable to stop again. It would remind him of all those things he was told. Of how much the truth hurt when it was repeated often enough. Even once could leave a mark. Hyungwon couldn’t count those fucking marks anymore, his math wasn’t good enough.

“It’s-” He breathed in slowly, forcing the words, that repeated in his head like a curse, out of it. He didn’t want to hear them. Hyungwon had never seen anybody look as disgusted as the devil had back then, staring at him with narrowed eyes and lips curled, calling him a worthless bitch.

He was, wasn’t he?

_ Who are you to keep secrets from, Hoseok? He’ll find out eventually. Let him see the ugliness behind your pretty face, Hyungwon. _

“It’s about my past, some nasty shit I try not to remember.”    
  
“Tell me. Tell me about it, I want to know.” Hoseok stroked his back softly, as if trying to reassure him that everything was okay.

“But why?” Here he was again, questioning Hoseok’s requests although he should be just following through, doing what he wished. But it was hard, fucking hard. Hyungwon felt the panic attack right at his fingertips just from vaguely remembering things, telling someone about it would fuck him over.  
  
“Because I want to melt into you. I want to know everything about you and I want to feel you.” The other man looked in thought, trying to form a coherent reply, probably something that was not about music. He went over to the couch and sat down, Hyungwon still on his lap, frowning and staring at him through large eyes.

“But you’ll just be disappointed. It’s safer to just stay with what you can see, Hoseok. Wouldn’t it be easier to just fuck me instead of dealing with all that fucking crap?” His eyes burned a little, although he was being honest and hadn’t thought about anything to make him cry, yet. He looked up to the ceiling, focusing on the lamp to regain control. Self pity was a very dangerous thing. It hit you when you least expected it, telling you the impressions were justified although they weren’t.   
  
Hoseok caught his jaw and pulled it down to meet his gaze.    
  
“You. I would want to know even if you kicked me in the balls and told me not to touch you ever again.” The blonde smiled briefly. “I’m waiting for the moment you will kick me to be honest.” 

Hyungwon chuckled at the words, laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. Hoseok wanted to be kicked by him? How could Hyungwon do that? He had been able to before, when he hadn’t given a shit. But now the stakes were too high. Every mistake could cost him not only Hoseok, but also himself, sinking back into the fucking hole he had only crawled out of recently. 

Before Hoseok had played that melody and took his love.

“Do you have a kink for abuse? Amusing considering I’m usually the bitch for that,” he spit, not understanding how Hoseok still expected him to deny him anything.   
  
The other man breathed in, holding the air in his lungs for a couple of seconds before breathing out.  
  
“You better not. I don’t know what I will do to the next person I see next to you, touching you. I wanted to kill that guy, and that other guy and the guy from the song. All of them.” He closed his eyes trying to get his breathing under control. “Tell me about the song, I want to know.” 

“I’ll cry,” Hyungwon answered, dead honest and already feeling the panic attack crawling right back, acid in his veins that threatened to digest him without having uttered a word.

“Please,” Hoseok whispered while looking up to him and biting down on his bottom lip.

_ You love him, Hyungwon, just tell him. If he leaves after that you’ll be hurt less than later. _

“I was 19 when I came to Berlin, you know. Thinking I was the shit and making some pretty fucking bad decisions. That’s basically what it’s about. Was all cute and naive and thought having an older guy show me around was the best choice ever,” Hyungwon murmured, keeping his eyes opened and staring at Hoseok, attempting to evoke as little visual memories as possible, just staring at the pianist’s face and wanting it to occupy everything.  
  
“What happened?” The blonde man had a soft expression in his eyes, a short smile reassuring him to continue. 

Hyungwon felt how his compensation strategy kicked in, sarcastic smile appearing on his lips and breaths a little hitched. He felt safer this way. He always did.

“Ah the usual, fucked up shit, you know? He really loved people with bruised skin and had lots of friends with similar interests. Would take me to fuck parties, drug me out and have fun with his friends. Told me he loved me all the time and that I'm doing it to make him happy. I told ya, I don’t do DP anymore. Had enough to last me a fucking lifetime.”

Hoseok’s hands clenched tighter around his hips with every word he spoke, a strange spike appeared in his eyes and his skin turned pale. The other man nodded, eyes not leaving his, not even for a second.   
  
“How are you able to let people touch you after all that?” 

The question surprised Hyungwon a little. Why would there be a problem with fucking people just because of that? He was so damn experienced after all that shit. It would be a waste to deny the poor world the pleasure.

“Why wouldn’t I? They’d miss out. It’s what I’m particularly good at as you might have realized,” he replied and rolled his hips with a smile, placing a kiss on Hoseok’s lips. “I do stay off drugs though. Left enough of an impression.”   
  
The other man just stared, blonde bangs hanging into his eyes a little, gaze glued to Hyungwon’s face.    
  
“I don’t care about them. What about you?” he asked before a tear rolled down, not making any sense considering the topic they were talking about. 

_ Why is he crying? It makes no sense at all. You should be the one crying, or at least fighting tears, but instead he’s crying and you feel like you unloaded all of that on him just to make him cry. Fuck. _

“What are you talking about? Shit, Hoseok, babe, don’t cry. It’s okay. I’m fine, really,” he murmured, panicking at the fact that the other man was crying at his words. “A little brain-fucked maybe, but otherwise I’m perfectly fine and can function in daily life as you might have figured.” He smiled, but couldn’t make it reach his eyes.   
  
“You didn’t deserve this. Shit, you didn’t deserve any of it. I want to choke him and break his wrists so he can’t touch anything ever.” The tears just kept falling down, expression still the same, looking up at him and hands shaking a little at his sides. “How can people be like this to you?” 

Hyungwon felt overwhelmed. Hoseok cried because he felt like he had been treated wrongly. Because he believed that Hyungwon hadn’t deserved any of the things that had happened to him. Maybe he was right, he hadn’t deserved them to the degree they happened, but he did deserve them in one way or another. He should have made better decisions, been less attached, fulfilled the devil’s wishes more. Maybe he would have stayed and treated him better. People don’t punish others for nothing after all.

“I was naive, Hoseok. I was a hot and dumb 19-year-old. Of course everybody jumped me. I was fresh out of Korea thinking that the gay scene here would be eye opening.” He chuckled hollowly at the memory. “It kinda was I guess.”   
  
“No matter how naive or young you were, some people are fucking trash and they deserve to burn in a hell pit. It’s not your fucking fault, you didn’t do anything, why are you like this? Fuck.” Hoseok buried his head in the crook of his neck, trying to calm down his strained breathing and staining Hyungwon's shirt with the salty liquid. 

Hyungwon took a few deep breaths, not sure how to answer without serving Hoseok his uselessness and ugliness on a fucking plate. 

_ Just let him know. You could have given him everything but you didn’t. You said no and that’s when everything went to shit. _

“I could have tried to make him like me more. Then he might have treated me better, I guess,” he whispered and felt his voice give out, burning sensation returning full force and setting his chest ablaze, pain unbearable. He buried his face in Hoseok’s hair and tried to calm down, air not entering his lungs properly. He was hyperventilating.   
  
“No. That’s not it, Hyungwon. That’s bullshit. I like you. You don’t need to do anything and I will still like you. Kick me in the balls and I will still like you. There is nothing to do more than to be the way you are. Fuck, you’re the reason I don’t want to be alone for the first time in 20 years.” Hoseok’s voice cracked towards the end, hands pressing him closer, even closer, so close their bodies almost melted into each other.

Hyungwon smiled against the other’s skin. He was naive. Just like Hyungwon had been, believing that loving or liking was enough, enough to keep things forever although time passed and people made mistakes.

“You can’t promise anything, Hoseok. You don’t know how you will feel tomorrow and you don’t know how you’re going to feel next week. You might believe that you like me right now but someday I might say something and everything you ever felt will just turn into this unquenchable thirst to hurt me. It happens, Hoseok. Suddenly, without a warning and you might be surprised yourself. The human brain is a magical thing.” His voice was calm and distant, words having no emotional valence as if he was reading a newspaper article. He felt proud of himself for not sounding as hurt as he felt. The thought and image of Hoseok leaving because of his inability to do as the other man wished was so fucking vivid in his mind.   
  
“You’re wrong. You have no idea how you sound like, what chords you consist of, its perfection. You’re perfect. I’ve met so many people and I fucked around so much. You can’t even imagine. I should have a diamond client card at Durex.” Hoseok chuckled bitterly before continuing “You can say what you want, but you can’t feel it, you don’t know what you sound like to me.” He smiled at him, so brightly, eyes still wet from tears but not breaking the effect.

Hyungwon smiled back and caressed the beautiful man’s cheek. Hoseok had no idea, none at all. 

“Is that your conclusion after fucking me a few times, falling asleep in the same bed and barely talking? What do you even know about me to feel this way, Hoseok?” he asked, hand pausing and brushing his thumb over the wet trail left by a tear, drying it.   
  
Hoseok shook his head slowly, smile still in place.    
  
“It was my conclusion before sleeping with you and doing everything else.” 

Hyungwon didn’t believe a word.

“The sauna? The bar? After that I had already laid my fingers on you, Hoseok, squeezing you tightly.”   
_   
_ __ Why are you being like this, Hyungwon? He told you that he likes you! Why don’t you just drown him in those suffocating feelings and bask in it as long as you can? Why are you convincing him that he can’t be feeling anything? Do you even know any better?   
  
The blonde still had a winning grin plastered all over his face.    
  
“You want to know? It was when you had your hands over my shoulders while I played. You think because you touched me after that? Do you think I don’t have any gay friends? They all touch me because they think it’s fun. The only reason I didn’t push you away was because I kind of felt what you sound like. Sounds weird but I’m fucking weird, thank you very much.” Hoseok caught his bottom lip with his teeth and sucked on it.

_ Give up, Hyungwon. You lost. It makes no fucking sense but he can’t be lying about something like that. From the very beginning he kept saying things you didn’t understand. Maybe he really feels something when he touches you? Why would you deny it? You love him, don’t you? _

He did. So fucking much.

Nodding and inhaling harshly at the feeling of Hoseok nibbling on his lip he pushed himself further into the other man’s body and licked inside his mouth.

“I love you Hoseok, do you know that? Although I don’t fucking deserve you.”   
  
The pale face leaned back a little and big, brown eyes stared at him, wide open.    
  
“You do? What for? It’s me who should thank the god of music or whatever for meeting you. I don’t want to breathe if it’s not you. I don’t deserve any of it and I’m weak as fuck. You already got to see plenty, but there’s more to come.” Hoseok looked a little sad at the intimate words he spoke. Hyungwon didn’t give a shit. If Hoseok was willing to take him then nothing else really mattered.

He smiled, euphoria from when Hoseok had picked him up filling him completely. The emotional rollercoaster was no joke, taking his blood on a fucking drama ride.

“Hoseok, you’re so fucking sweet. Don’t tell me such cheesy stuff, I told you I’m a hoe for it. I’ll get hard and just jump you for sucking up to me like that. I don’t care if you’re weak. As long as you can nudge me to the other end if the room with a finger, everything is fucking great. If you want to battle out who deserves whom we can just battle it out with blowjobs later or something.” He grinned and kissed Hoseok deeply, grabbing his face with both hands and melting into the feeling of the other man’s lips. It seemed like his body was air, wish to just fill everything with Hoseok overwhelming.

Suddenly Hyungwon laughed, realizing something. He really knew almost nothing about the beautiful man on whose thighs he was sitting.

“Kinda random, but how old are you actually?”   
  
Hoseok smiled, showing his gums.    
  
“I’m 24. I came to Berlin five years ago and I studied at the University of Arts, Piano and composition. I came from L.A. and I normally don’t give a shit about anything but piano. I have exactly one friend who kind of moved in with his girlfriend. I’m Hoseok and I’m weird, nice to meet you.” 

Hyungwon just cracked up real hard at the introduction, almost choking on his own spit and holding onto Hoseok’s shoulders to not just roll up and die on his lap.

“Shit, I’m dying. What do you think this is, a support group?” He laughed some more, feeling tears collecting in his eyes from laughing so hard. Wiping over his eyelids he placed a kiss on Hoseok’s lips, enjoying how fucking beautiful the other man looked on the couch, skin pale and eyes focused on Hyungwon. “I’m Chae Hyungwon, 23, came to Berlin to study, but actually I just wanted to live a happy gay life without my parents marrying me off to some random chick that owns a company and treats me like her dog cause I’m pretty. Hi.” 

Smirking at Hoseok, he licked over the blonde man’s nose and over the muscular neck along his ear. He wanted to rile him up again, see what he could tickle out of him, now that the other man felt the same about him (at least he said he liked him) and was probably up for some emotional dicking.   
  
“Those chords started playing inside my head, I can’t talk like this,” Hoseok groaned against his shoulder.

“Does that mean that I can sink to my knees and suck your soul out through your dick?” Hyungwon asked smugly and rolled his hips, smirking at Hoseok. The other man might have been weird with his confusing affinity to music when it came to him, but Hyungwon fucking loved driving people mad and Hoseok was always so gone. He wanted to see it again, to give him everything without feeling forced to and blow his fucking mind.   
  
“You got the lead. Just tell me what to do, I already got kind of used to being in sex ed class when it comes to you. Although, I hope being a pianist did pay off.” Hoseok smirked at him.

“Fuck, don’t remind me of how fucking amazing your fingers feel inside me when I’m about to suck you off. You’re fucking up my whole mental order instead of fucking up me, very disappointing,” he mumbled but kept his smirk in place, rolling his hips again. “Give me a show, baby, undress for me. I fucking love your body.” He slid to the side of the couch, leaning back and crossed his legs, waiting for Hoseok to be a good boy as usual and do what he asked of him. 

Shit, how could he forget how fucking beautiful Hoseok looked when he did what he told him to?   
  
The blonde looked a little shy, standing up and stopping in front of him.

_ Adorable Hoseok is back, bitches. Just that ‘em bitches never actually got to see him like that.  _

Hyungwon couldn’t help feeling smug at that, knowing Hoseok was only like that with him, watching every little movement of the muscular body, even if it was simply standing in front of him, not moving yet.   
  
“Like- you want me to undress in front of you?” Hoseok stared down, hands at the seam of his jeans, fumbling them a little hesitantly. 

“Exactly, babe. Just take everything off and let me see how beautiful you are under those illegal jeans and that turtleneck. Shit, do you know you’re everyone’s straight fuck boy fantasy?”   
  
A bright smile appeared on the other man’s face while he nodded slowly.   
  
“I have two friends from university, they’re both gay and they were joking about it all the time to make me uncomfortable. But I’m kind of bad at stripping I think. I’m more used to getting undressed by others. Just interrupt if you get weirded out.” 

  
Hyungwon smiled reassuringly and really wanted to meet those friends of his, just so he could kiss Hoseok senseless and make some very lewd but easily interpretable gestures.

“Don’t worry, if it’ll get weird I’ll just play piano. That’ll probably make you soft again.” He laughed and spread his legs a little for comfort. “Or violin to spare your ears instead.”   
  
“You can play violin? I thought you sounded like a cello.” Hoseok looked surprised while talking weird shit all over the place. While moaning or what?

“I sound like a cello when I moan? Ouch,” he remarked and grinned. He had no idea what Hoseok was talking about but somehow he didn’t really mind the random musical comments here and there. When the time was right he’d just science the other man in return. 

But first he really wanted to see him naked.   
  
Hoseok grabbed the seam of his turtleneck and pulled it up slowly, gaze like a predator, probably something he pulled on all those antilope girls. Too bad that Hyungwon was a hoe for it too.   
  
“Not when you moan, your hands, when they do something, it sounds like a cello to me. Like deep vibrations against my skin.” The turtleneck flew to the ground before Hoseok brushed his blonde bangs back, muscles flexing at the movement.

Damn.

Hyungwon wasn’t sure whether he was hard from the actual sight of the muscular chest, the predator like gaze or the fact that his hands were compared with the notes of a cello. Somehow all of those qualified for a boner.

“Do you enjoy those?” he asked, wondering if his hands were sufficient to get Hoseok going, although he always added so much creativity to his ways of satisfying his partners.   
  
“Enjoy?” Hoseok’s hands went down to his pants, opening the button easily. “It’s fucking perfect. Everything is perfect, like your lips, they’re like a piano, soft, but also rough, able to rile you up, to hurt but also to soothe, getting the pace right and mingling into the cello.” He slid down his pants along with the underwear and walked over.

“Fuck. Fuck my life. Seriously,” Hyungwon groaned and removed the hair from his forehead, a habit when he wasn’t quite sure what he wanted to do with himself yet. “I’m not sure what hurts my dick more, your words or how fucking hot you look. You might not see the relation, but I kinda want you to fuck me against a wall, to mingle all those pretty notes you hear and see what they do to you.” Hyungwon was a talker, sure as hell. Whatever Hoseok heard when he touched him, damn he wanted to hear that too. It sounded like a next level auditory hallucination, just paired with a specific person and apparently much more vivid than usual.   
  
Hoseok kneeled down in front of him and looked up.    
  
“I don’t hear them, I can feel them. It’s as if my blood gets replaced by chords and the air in my lungs by notes and the strings are tingling against my skin, your heartbeat giving the pace, and your breaths backing it up.” The blonde slid his hand along Hyungwon’s thigh while speaking.

Hissing out a breath Hyungwon let his own hands travel over Hoseok’s naked shoulder, fingertips absolutely light, barely touching, dancing over the skin with just timid brushes.

“How does that feel?” he whispered, fascinated by what Hoseok must have been feeling everytime Hyungwon touched him.    
  
“Beethoven, Symphony No 9, the first quarter when the violins play the soft melody.” Hoseok grinned and opened the button of Hyungwon’s pants. 

Hyungwon didn’t understand anything but that was also absolutely irrelevant because Hoseok was kneeling between his legs and opening his pants as if he was about to suck his dick and he was absolutely not ready for neither the image nor the real thing. 

_ A boy can hope. _

“Fucking hell, Hoseok. How can you say the fucking piece? This is simply crazy. I feel like my feelings are sharing lollipops in kindergarten in comparison. Fuck.”   
  
The zipper opened and his pants were pulled down by Hoseok’s strong hands, as if it was something absolutely normal.   
  
“I want to feel what kind of sound it would make, although I'm probably not qualified.” He smiled and freed Hyungwon’s erection, looking at it and licking his lips. 

_ Shit, shit, shit. Dreams do indeed come true. _

“Hoseok, as long as my dick ends up in your mouth I am going to be fucking blessed and become religious. I swear,” Hyungwon said, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before focusing completely on the blonde man about to give him a fucking blowjob. The actually straight and kinda fuck-boyish man. The one who actually liked him enough to listen to his issues and still stay and want to be around. Shit.   
  
“Yeah, just tell me if I do something wrong.” Hoseok licked a stripe from the bottom to the tip, pink tongue pressing down on the sensitive spot between head and shaft. Big, round eyes stared up to see his reaction. Hyungwon immediately moaned at the sight in combination with the teasing licks, rather impatient and wanting to see and feel more.

“Babe, on a scale from 1 as in ‘I want a dick in my ass’ to 10 ‘I am fucking terrified’, how little shits do you give that you’re about to suck a guy’s dick?”   
  
Hoseok smiled.   
  
“I’m a little terrified by your scale, but I don’t care. It’s you, why would I give a shit?” He licked at the same spot again. “It’s a saxophone by the way,” he added before taking him into his mouth, hot and wet, tongue curling around it, adding up to the sensations.

Hyungwon wanted to die right there. Legs immediately tensing up at the pleasure coursing through his lower body at finally finding out what Hoseok’s mouth could do despite no experience whatsoever. There must have been something about pianists.

_ Or just Hoseok. _

“Don’t worry about the scale, it’s just me making sure I can bottom for eternity,” he forced out as his fingers found silky blonde strands, pulling them lightly, showing Hoseok a rhythm he enjoyed. “Your dick is too gigantic to be wasted. But your mouth on the other hand, fuck.”    
  
Hoseok’s strong fingers dug into the muscles of his thighs, while his beautiful lips slid up and down his erection, tongue twirling around it, digging into the slit before letting go. 

“Shit, Hoseok, my endurance isn’t the best with stuff like this,” he groaned and pulled Hoseok off his dick. “Gimme five minutes and then you better finger me into oblivion with those pianist hands of yours. And that dick better also make a comeback.”   
  
“Everything you want.” Hoseok smiled at him, blush on his cheeks coloring them in a beautiful pink and lips blood-red. 

“Shit, you make me want to wreck you so bad with the way you look. But I really need those five minutes.” Hyungwon placed a gentle kiss on those beautiful lips and stroked over Hoseok’s cheek before sliding his pants off completely, throwing them to the side with all the other clothing and walking to the bathroom, blowing Hoseok a kiss on the way.

He felt so fucking empowered, body reacting to Hoseok easily and mind long gone.

_ How the hell did you end up this lucky, Hyungwon? What did you do to deserve someone like that? Holy fuck. _

Whatever Hoseok was able to hear when he touched him, Hyungwon wanted to hear it too. Maybe the blackness he constantly felt surrounding him would have finally made sense, dissipating with the way his nasty thoughts disappeared when Hoseok smiled as brightly as he had today. Fighting off every doubt.

_ He’s the light and you’re the shadow in the back, hiding behind that pretty face of yours and waiting for him to change the angle and finally discover you. _

 

***

 

He had asked for it and he got it. Hyungwon just put on a sarcastic smile, void flowing like thick fog, covering his limbs and up to his lungs, filling them up and replacing the blood in his vessels with helplessness and anger.    
  
Hoseok had cried, not being able to deal with the description of what had happened, with the self-hate and blame that looked back at him when he stared into those eyes. It was one thing having to deal with one's own self-depreciation, coming from somewhere deep inside, but it was an absolutely different story when it came from the outside, making you believe you were trash. People had tried to do it to him too, but Hoseok didn’t care, he had enough from himself and didn’t need others to tell him.    
  
The other man told him he would end up with the wish to hurt him. Hoseok did end up with the wish to hurt people, to hurt people who had touched Hyungwon. He wanted to hurt all of them, a lot.   
  
_ Fact is, Hyungwon won’t kick you in the balls. He will let you step all over him thinking he is not worth to be treated differently.  _ _   
_ _   
_ How was the other able to live all this time, thinking that he wasn’t worth it? That it was his fault and that people would continue hurting him? Hoseok didn’t want to. Hyungwon was like music, so delicate and so fragile, beautiful and challenging, exciting and compassionate, emotional and gentle, he was perfect. Shit, he would’ve done anything just to be able to breathe next to him.    
  
_ You like him, Hoseok, you like him and want to be next to him although you have no idea what you can offer in return.  
  
_ Nothing much. He didn’t have anything to offer. It was just him, his piano and his performance anxiety. Hoseok wasn’t even sure that he had loved anyone before, probably not, not the way he loved his instrument and not the way he loved music.    
  
_ You have to know what people do if they like someone. Why would you jump dick first into this without being sure what you have to do to make him happy? _   
  
It was always the same with Hoseok. He didn’t know what to do but he also didn’t really care. He wanted to be next to the other man. Hyungwon said he loved him. Why? What for? He had no idea but he was going to take it for the limited time the beautiful creature was willing to give it. The love.    
  
It was really amusing, Hoseok didn’t even think about whether he loved Hyungwon or not. It was something absolutely natural, something he didn’t have to think about, he just felt it. The other man occupied his mind, and his body, replacing the air and blood with music, and he loved music. He loved him.   
  
__ He doesn’t know anything about you and you don’t know anything about him. What kind of love is this?   
  
Hoseok didn’t need a reason or an explanation. He just knew that he was Hyungwon’s. From the start.   
  
Time passed so slowly while he sat on the couch, naked and waited for Hyungwon to come back. The music stopped when he wasn’t there, everything stopped when he wasn’t there. Hoseok had undressed for him, he had told him about the music he felt, he had touched him. There was absolutely nothing he wouldn’t have done if Hyungwon had asked him.

Still it felt unfair. The other man was able to give him so much, something he didn’t receive for the past twenty-four years, something that he didn’t know existed and something he didn’t know he was yearning for. Hoseok on the other hand, was only able to be there, to breathe next to him and enjoy everything the other was willing to offer.    
  
_ It’s a little unjust, don’t you think? The world doesn’t work like that. If you get something you have to give something back. _ __   
  
Everything. He would try to give everything and hope that it was enough. 

The black-haired man reappeared in the living room, smile wide and just as naked as he had left, just that his skin was glistening in the light, small drops of water covering his shoulders, legs and chest. He didn't hesitate much and immediately pounced Hoseok, getting comfortable in his lap. He stroked his face with one hand and placed a bottle of lube, a condom and some tissues next to Hoseok’s thigh with the other.

“I'm ready for my promised oblivion, babe,” he whispered and kissed his forehead.

Oblivion? Hoseok was going to play him like a Mozart piece. He coated his fingers, the digits already remembering the way Hyungwon had felt and yearning for it, before he kissed his lips and reached behind him to find the right spot. 

“Shit, Hoseok. I forgot. Are your fingers okay?” Hyungwon asked suddenly, hand grasping Hoseok’s and staring at it. 

Okay? Probably. But even if not, he couldn't have cared less. 

“Sure, let me feel you.” He breathed the hot air against Hyungwon’s shoulder. Still a little hesitant, the other man nodded and released his hand, placing his own fingers on Hoseok’s shoulders instead, eyes closed. 

“You don't have to do it while I'm on your lap, but you have this thing with keeping me as close as possible, don't you?” he whispered, smile on his lips.    


He knew. Hoseok wanted to have him so close that not even air was able to stay between their bodies. And minds. He nodded. 

“I would breathe you if I could.” 

“I'm pretty sure that would kill me,” Hyungwon remarked calmly and visibly relaxed his body, shoulders not as straight and hips lifted off Hoseok’s thighs below him. 

“Can I touch you now?” Hoseok asked. He wanted to make sure, again and again that he did nothing the beautiful man over him didn't want. 

Hyungwon nodded with a grin, eyes remaining closed but his fingers squeezed Hoseok’s shoulders once in another confirmation. 

“I wouldn't be in your lap, relaxed and ass semi in the air, would I, sweetheart?”   


Hoseok decided to go from the front, remembering the location of the sensitive spot, and pressed his finger against the other man's entrance until he felt his warmth again. He was amazed by how the music was always different, never the same piece and never the same melody, every touch absolutely unique and beautiful, burned into his memory. 

Nails pushed into the skin of his shoulders almost immediately, the man above him gasping at the pleasure Hoseok was able to evoke. His eyes remained closed but Hyungwon's mouth was opened a little, plump lips parting and tongue licking over them occasionally. The beautiful man was indeed very vocal and succumbed to every flick of Hoseok’s fingers. He wanted to make him feel even better, to flood his insides with pleasure until bliss was the only thing remaining on his face. 

He added another finger and hit the spot repeatedly, brushing over it with absolute precision. Hyungwon fell apart in his arms, moaning, gasping his name without break, his hand brushing over Hoseok’s naked shoulders and chest, as if he didn’t believe he was actually on Hoseok’s lap and enjoying the attention he showered him with. 

“Oh god, Hoseok,” he murmured, hips moving on their own to increase the speed and strength with which Hoseok stroked the bundle of nerves inside of him. “Do whatever you want to me, fuck.”

“I want you, I want to feel you.” He was almost dying from the sight alone, his erection already painful and body yearning for more. Hoseok added another digit slowly, careful not to hurt him. 

Hyungwon chuckled. 

“You could fuck me rough and I wouldn't mind, babe.” He slowed down the movements of his hips, still a little out of it but muscle strength returning, thighs tight and a drop of sweat rolling past his nose and landing on Hoseok’s chest. 

“I don't want to hurt you. Never. I don't care whether you mind it or not.” He stroked over his warm cheek, removing a bead of sweat and smiled. No matter how many times Hyungwon said it, the void was there and Hoseok didn't intend on making it bigger than it already was.

Hyungwon looked at him through black strands, eyes even darker with the added contrast.

“What makes you think that I don’t like pain though?”

Hoseok smiled at the blackness spreading in front of his eyes and squeezing the air out of his lungs. 

“I don’t know, but I don’t want to make you feel pain,” he whispered, feeling the slow chords replace the blood in his vessels and flowing through his body, melody as beautiful as the man on his lap. Beautiful but fucking sad. 

“Of course. Then you don’t have to hurt me. Sorry.” Hyungwon smiled back and moved his hips a little again, hinting at Hoseok to continue. “Would you like to stay on the sofa or go somewhere else?”

“I don't care as long as you're there.” He continued moving his fingers, concentrating on hitting the right spot and curling them the way Hyungwon taught him. The other man just fell apart again, not bothering to hold himself up much and propped his head on Hoseok’s shoulder, biting into his skin and thereby muffling the noises he made.

“You know,” Hoseok started, ignoring the way his skin burned “I hate it when people make a lot of noise, my head hurts and it's mostly wrong notes, but if you moan and scream it's like music. I love it.” Hyungwon’s lips on his shoulder spread in a smile as the other man released his skin and breathed into his ear instead, hesitation dissipating as if it had never been there.

“Then make me scream some more, babe.”

“I want to be inside of you. The chords keep building up tension but it's not going anywhere and it hurts my skin.” Hoseok just said what he felt without caring about the way it sounded. Hyungwon hissed in his ear and placed a hand on his muscular arm, pausing all movement.

“Sometimes I am not sure whether that’s just a really profound metaphor for sexual arousal or whether you actually feel all that,” he whispered, fingers brushing over his pale skin tentatively. “You can have me, Hoseok. Why do you even ask?”

“Because you matter.” He closed his eyes, trying to suppress the burning that was making him desperate and forced him to ask for things.

Hyungwon nodded and took Hoseok’s fingers, brushing his hand over them to remove excess lube and took a tissue to wipe it off. Turning to Hoseok and placing a gentle kiss on his lips he smiled widely before it transformed into a smirk.

“Thank you and now fuck me stupid please.”

“How do you want me?” He rolled a condom over his erection, looked up and gasping at how beautiful Hyungwon looked. Black bangs hung over his dark brown eyes, full of warmth and the smirk so contrary to it, skin shining and covered in a soft blush. 

“That’s my line, babe, but sure, I can take over. How about the wall and then the bed or is that too physically straining?” His smirk got even wider as if he doubted that Hoseok would consider it difficult and just wanted to rile him up enough so that he would go along with it. “Either way, I want to see your face when you’re inside me. You’re so fucking beautiful, it’s unreal.”

Hoseok stood up, grabbing the lube and holding Hyungwon tightly, feeling the naked skin and music getting louder in expectation. He walked over to the wall between their rooms and pressed Hyungwon’s back against it, his own weight pinning the body between him and the surface. He sunk his teeth into the other man's beautiful shoulder, not to rough but still detectable. 

“Shit, I love you,” Hyungwon mumbled and held onto Hoseok’s neck tightly. “Fuck me up.” His long legs were tight around Hoseok’s waist, smooth like a snake and squeezing harder the more he nibbled on the beautiful man’s neck.

Hoseok opened the bottle, holding Hyungwon’s body in place with his hips and chest, hoping that the pushing wasn't painful and coated his neglected erection, heart hammering against his and Hyungwon’s chests like drums. 

“Let me feel you,” he whispered against the other’s hot skin, mind clouded by lust and the wish to feel the chords crushing down on him, body moving almost involuntarily, erection pressing against Hyungwon.

“Go ahead,” Hyungwon gasped into his ear, biting down on his earlobe and licking over the shell, lips unwilling to part, not even for a second.

He pushed himself in, moaning loudly, not able and not willing to suppress it. He held Hyungwon’s thighs in place and tried to read his face in the process. The other man’s features were coated with bliss, eyes closed and head thrown back, teeth biting down on his plump lower lip. A low moan left him, body relaxed to allow the intrusion but tense enough to keep his legs around his waist.

“Your body is everything I ever needed,” Hyungwon mumbled while trying to push down further on him, ignoring the pace Hoseok had set for himself. He couldn't help but groan in return, propping himself against the wall and holding Hyungwon’s ethereal body in place, a whole fucking orchestra hitting him like a wrecking ball, robbing him of the ability to talk or think. 

“It’s an orchestra, fuck, you feel like a whole orchestra.”

A smile appeared on Hyungwon’s face, pleasure still coursing through him, lips shivering from the strain.

“Then let it play, Hoseok.”

His hips thrusted up, slowly burying himself in his hot body, teeth biting his neck, strings vibrating against his skin. Hyungwon tensed in his arms, breathing irregularly, mouth open.

“You’re huge, but I love it. Good that my ass has no limits,” he remarked before attempting to shift a little which was difficult when you were held against a wall in the air. “Move.”

Hoseok pulled Hyungwon's lower body closer, trying to find the right angle before thrusting up, accompanied by a loud moan. He saw the sounds in front of his inner eye, mingling with the feeling of burning skin clashing against his. 

“Oh god, oh my fucking god, you're everywhere, all over my senses.” He couldn't believe what the other man was able to do to him. He moved out and slid in again with force, chest pressing against the other body, skin tingling and sight blurry. The slim body is his arms convulsed and Hyungwon screamed in his ear, biting down on his earlobe a little too harshly and buried his nails in his back.

“Shit, do that again and again until I can’t feel anything anymore, Hoseok.” 

He wanted to do it, he wanted to do it all, to hear those screams that sounded so strangely beautiful in his ears and burned his insides. He moved, fast, with force, arms holding Hyungwon in place, skin wet from the strain, shit he wanted to scream too. The other man had already given up control of his actions, back moving along the wall from the intensity of the thrusts and meeting each and every one of them. Moans and screams of his name were filling Hoseok’s ears in combination with a variety of lewd words the beautiful man whispered.

Time was impossible to trace, the sound of skin on skin resounding in the room. Hyungwon cursed and Hoseok could feel how the strength, with which the other man kept his legs circled around his waist ,disappeared, body sliding down along his hips.

“Fuck, I can’t hold myself up anymore. Let me try something else please,” he groaned again and bit his lip. “I know exactly what I need to feel all of you. Every fucking centimeter.”

“Everything, everything you want, just do it or tell me what to do.” Hoseok pulled his legs up and held the other man, still inside him, shivers running through his body, breath irregular and rhythm unclear. 

Hyungwon smiled and tried to wiggle out of his hold.

“You have to let me down for that, babe.” 

Hoseok complied, body unwilling to lose the intense contact. Hyungwon grinned, wincing a tiny bit when he slipped out of him and straightened his legs. He seemed a little uncomfortable but quickly placed a kiss on Hoseok’s lips and gestured to the wall.

“Not sure how familiar you are with sex positions, love, but I’m going to lean against that wall and you’re going to fuck me from behind like the good boy that you are. Because I am tall and by adjusting I can make sure you basically scuba-dive my ass. Deal?” The explanation was absolutely relaxed, Hyungwon gesturing a little while a hand of his curled around Hoseok’s dick, giving it a few strokes in the meantime.

Hoseok nodded, unable to form a coherent sentence and just wanting to bury himself in Hyungwon again, feel everything, every tiny sound from each instrument, flowing together to form that huge wrecking ball he looked forward to. The black-haired beauty placed another kiss on his lips before turning around and placing his palms flat against the wall, bending in half and presenting himself to Hoseok without any hesitation. His back was a little red, abrasions covering his shoulders and part of his spine.

“Shit, why didn't you say anything? Your back is red!” Hoseok wanted to slap himself for going with so much force earlier, forgetting that he had talked about not wanting to hurt Hyungwon ten minutes ago. 

The other man turned around, smile still in place

“Hoseok, we had sex against the wall.” He licked his lips. “It’ll be gone tomorrow and I didn’t even realize. Don’t worry about it and let me feel you. Kiss it better if it makes you happier. Please.”

Hoseok did. He kissed the red skin, stroking over Hyungwon’s shoulders down to his lower back, before lining up and pushing himself in slowly, moaning and biting his lip. Hyungwon was exhaling harshly, remaining completely still, fingers curling to have more grip against the wall.

“If you press my cheeks together it’s tighter,” he murmured before pushing back against Hoseok and gasping. “Shit, I feel like I’m basically you.” 

“I belong to you and I don't need to do anything. You're taking the air out of my lungs just by breathing next to me.” Hoseok waited a little for Hyungwon to get used to him, before placing soft kisses against his shoulders again. A hand removed itself from the wall to stroke over Hoseok’s thigh, sliding over his ass before it returned to its spot on the white wall.

“Thank you for giving yourself to me, Hoseok, and now move.”

He did it, trying to thrust down, and orchestra playing him and his senses, hands holding Hyungwon’s hips. The immediate scream and the way the beautiful man’s body tightened around him was enough of an encouragement to know that he was doing it right.

“And now go all out, babe.” 

The way Hyungwon was able to play him was outworldly. His instructions and comments integrated and lead the music perfectly, body flushing against his skin, adding up the pleasure and the beautiful performance. He didn't want to feel anything else ever again. Hoseok only wanted to be Hyungwon’s for eternity, simple as that. 

_

 

It was already morning, rays of sunlight stroked Hyungwon’s beautiful skin and coloured it in a soft golden light, big, plump lips moved a little, probably trying not to wake up. 

“If you continue to always wake me up so early I’ll divorce you,” the beautiful man mumbled and tried to turn around. When it didn’t work his eyes suddenly opened, staring right back at Hoseok in shock. “Fuck, we’re not married! What am I even talking about?” Hyungwon groaned and tried to turn away, hide his face somewhere deep inside the pillows, face red from embarrassment.

“I don't want to divorce you though.” Hoseok had no idea what he was talking about but the answer made perfect sense to him. His phone vibrated so he grabbed it from the night table, Hyungwon still in his grip. 

It was Changkyun, writing that he was ignored enough and would be at his apartment in fifteen minutes. Fuck. 

“Shit, as much as I want to stay here forever. My only friend I told you about will be in front of this door in fifteen minutes.” He pulled the other man closer, trying not to choke him and get the most out of the hug at the same time. 

“You’re embarrassed to be seen naked in bed with another man?” Hyungwon asked calmly, watching his antics.

“No, I don't give a fuck. Changkyun already saw me rolling on the floor naked and everything. I'm sorry but I don't have any basic etiquette,” Hoseok answered, calm as fuck. It was the truth. He wasn't embarrassed and he didn't give a shit. He just needed to interact, that meant he had to shower and brush his teeth, for the sake of society. 

“Then why are you leaving me alone and cold in your bed?” Hyungwon asked again, cold feet sneaking up to press into Hoseok’s warm calve. It was morning, how could he be cold?

“Because I need to shower and brush my teeth for world peace, but on the other hand I don't want to leave you in my bed. Let's just stay here and Changkyun can just wait in front of the door until I'm ready." He laughed at the thought and the fact that he really considered it. “Or you shower with me.” 

Hyungwon laughed out loud and lifted his arm into the air, pointing somewhere to the ceiling and drawing a dramatic breath.

“To the shower and beyond,” he exclaimed, probably impersonating someone judging by the way he changed his voice to an even deeper tone. However, when Hoseok didn’t react he frowned at him, arm falling back to the bed and eyes wide in fake outrage.

“Bitch, don’t you know Toy Story? Where is your childhood and how do we get it back? I thought you grew up in L.A.!” Throwing the blankets to the side Hyungwon sat up in all his naked glory, hissing a little. “My ass burns but still 10 dick points outta 10 would recommend. Let’s take that damn shower already.”

Toy story? No, he didn’t know that. But all organ concertos from Bach. By heart. 

Hoseok managed to put his sweatpants on after the shower, just before the bell rang. He looked over to Hyungwon who was already fully dressed and went over to the door.

“You asshole, did you fuck your piano for two weeks? Do you think you don't need your friend anymore, you weird loner?” Changkyun just marched into the apartment as if it was his own, looking around until his eyes stopped at Hoseok’s naked torso. “Had a lady over? I'm impressed that your flatmate didn't throw you out yet because of auditory disturbances.” 

Hyungwon snickered in the background before he held a hand over his mouth and stuffed it with a sandwich instead.

“No, no, no and fuck you, Changkyun. Are you happy, fucking in peace now? “ Hoseok crossed his arms in front of his chest, glaring at the other man, before walking over and hugging him so tightly that he started coughing. “I missed you, my baby puppy.” 

Hyungwon walked towards them, lifting his hand in greeting, probably to be polite.

“Hi, Hoseok’s best friend. Nice to meet you. I’m Hyungwon and will leave you guys to your heart- and apparently also chest- wrenching reunion,” he said, waving weirdly from left to right before he blew Hoseok a kiss and disappeared into his room.

“Wait, was that, Hyungwon? Chae Hyungwon? I think it was the guy who I studied neuroscience with, he was one semester further. Crazy, he's your flatmate?” Changkyun looked genuinely surprised while trying to free himself from the hug. 

Hoseok realized he didn't know what Hyungwon had studied.

_ What the fuck do you even know about him? _

He didn't know shit, but they lived together so he had plenty of time to get to know the source of his ultimate happiness. There were more important questions he had to ask Changkyun.

“Listen, what do you do when you like a person? Like- what did you do to make Lena happy and stay with you? Or what do you do now, so she doesn't leave?” He walked over to his room to pick up a black t-shirt that he pulled over his head while coming back to his best friend, who stood on the same spot with a genuinely shocked expression on his face. 

“Did you fall in love, Hoseok? Oh my god, seriously? When did you manage? Who's she? One of your 40000 one night stands?” The short man walked over to him, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him furiously. 

“That's not it. Tell me how to behave. I have no idea and I kind of suck at everything that doesn't involve sex and playing piano. Well also that, but that’s different topic. Please, I'm a little scared that I'll fuck up,” Hoseok whispered into the other man's face, trying not to scream around, knowing exactly how good the acoustics were.    
  
“Why the fuck are you whispering, Hoseok?” The other stared at him while imitating the way he had talked to him.   
  
“Because the acoustics are supreme here. So what can I do? Shit, I don’t know and I have the feeling that I’ll turn everything into shit with my weirdness. It’s special to me, really special. Please.” Hoseok looked Changkyun in the eyes, begging him with his puppy gaze and hoping he would just tell him.

“So what does she like? Why is she so special? I need to know so I can tell you. If you know what she likes just try to spend time with her, be affectionate, just show her that you care,” the other man elaborated while walking over to the coffee machine. He placed a cup under it and pressed the espresso button.   
  
“He’s music. I don’t want to be alone anymore. Just with him. I feel like I don’t need anything else in my life.” Hoseok looked to the ceiling, trying to come up with a good explanation that didn’t involve feeling strings and being played like an instrument.   
  
Changkyun turned around slowly, eyes wide like plates.   
  
“Him?” he breathed out, expression wiped from his face.   
  
“Mhm. Him.” He thought that his best friend might have been shocked after hearing it, although Hoseok himself didn’t give a single fuck, because it all made perfect sense. It was Hyungwon, what was there to think about?   
  
“You fell in love with a dude?” Changkyun was so loud that the neighbours from the fourth floor might have noticed the news too.    
  
“Why the fuck are you screaming?” Hoseok ran over and put a hand over the short man’s mouth, hissing at him.    
  
“Hoseok, are you on drugs? You fucked around for five years. Since I know you, it had always been women. Why would you fall in love with a dude suddenly? You have never been interested in any human creature and also not in relationships, like ever!” The words passed through the spaces between his fingers easily. The other was obviously flustered by Hoseok’s straightforward confession.    
  
“Because I didn’t give a shit, Changkyun. Because I didn’t want anything, but now I want it. I want all of it and I want him and nobody else, thank you very much.” Hoseok tried to speak quietly, knowing exactly that Hyungwon was somewhere in his room and could hear their conversation perfectly if they talked in normal volume. “I also didn’t question why you wanted Lena all of a sudden, although you just did the same thing I did for four years. Just let me be and tell me what to do to not fuck it up. I can’t fuck it up,” he added while staring into Changkyun’s eyes, knowing exactly how guilty the other must’ve felt after moving out.    
  
“Are you gay, Hoseok?”    
  
He let out an annoyed huff. Why couldn’t people just accept others without the ultimate need to put them in a tiny little box with a tag on it? It was suffocating and it didn’t mean anything.   
  
“Oh come on, I like him. I really, really like him, okay? More than I ever liked someone before. I don’t know about your gay, not gay stuff and to be honest I couldn’t give less fucks. Don’t try to label me and answer my fucking question. Is it so hard?” Hoseok got a little mad at the direction in which their conversation was going.    
  
“We need to go out for a drink and you tell me about it. Then I might be able to help you. I’m just a little shocked, you have to understand me. I only know ‘get on your knees I’ll fuck your brains out’ straight-as-fuck Hoseok. I need to accommodate too. Let’s go in the evening, okay?” His best friend inhaled the espresso and walked towards the door, before he turned around briefly. “Was that one mental text about feeling music because of that guy?” Hoseok nodded quickly. Changkyun smiled and disappeared behind the door.    
  
Hoseok leaned against the counter and massaged his temples softly. 

Sure, Changkyun was shocked, but he would be able to accept it, he wasn’t a dick. Hoseok needed someone to share, someone to tell him what to do. He had no idea how to handle the emotional mess, the newly developed feelings for another person, entangled with his passion and love for music, not able to detach them from each other. 

He had no idea where his love for music stopped and where his feelings for Hyungwon began, it was confusing. He wanted to know more. He wanted to know everything about Hyungwon, from zero, from the first sound, to the chord to the melody, right to the point the beautiful man was able to blow his mind away with a full orchestra and the endless void, prominent blackness, devastating, complex and beautiful music.

_Chae Hyungwon._   
  
How was it possible that the other just gave him raw feelings, just like that, on a fucking plate. Hyungwon didn’t know him, he didn’t even like him at first, so when did it turn into love? What did Hoseok do to deserve it? He just kept demanding things from him and making him cry, asking to see the black mass like a sadist. The other man was not telling him when he was hurt and did everything Hoseok wanted, without any resistance.

  
Maybe it was because of the void. Hoseok wanted to dive into it.   
  
_ Why? _   
  
Because he could swim. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoseok is personality goals and this chapter is a hommage on sexual fluidity. Also Hyungwon's past got a little more clear, the way he behaves and why he hates himself. Hoseok will have to work on that.
> 
> Music reccommendations:  
> Troye Sivan-Bite  
> Halsey - 100 letters  
> Halsey - Trouble
> 
> Next Update on January 24th at 4 PM CET.
> 
> We write one character each,  
> @Hichanchen writes Hyungwon (and Minhyuk+Jooheon) and  
> @Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok (and Kihyun+Changkyun)
> 
> Hit us up on Twitter  
> @Hichanchen  
> @Smut_Hemingway
> 
> We are extremely happy about every comment and every click. You are one of the major reasons we write. (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	13. 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Too bad, he will get bored with me after a short while I guess.”

After waking up and accidentally telling Hoseok that he’d divorce him if he continued to wake him up, Hyungwon had assumed that he was done with weird as fuck surprises for the day. For once in his life, he had dreamt absolute bullshit instead of the usual nightmares and variations of his memories that he was forced to relive. Hoseok and him were married and Hyungwon had been pissed at him for wishing to rebuild a house in the form of a piano for no reason and name their kids (Hyungwon had no fucking idea where they had come from and he sure as hell hoped it hadn't been his ass) strings and violin. Waking up had just topped the whole thing off, so he had threatened divorce like an idiot. 

_ Luckily Hoseok is just plain weird and told you that he doesn’t want to divorce you.  _

The morning continued with another violation of Hyungwon’s expectations. He wasn’t sure what exactly he imagined under Hoseok’s only friend ,but it wasn’t the tiny, rather nerdy-looking man who was about half his size. Hadn’t the tiny male had the mouth of a veteran prostitute Hyungwon would have been genuinely disappointed. Listening to Hoseok get roasted had been especially amusing, the puppy (Hoseok called him that and Hyungwon had missed his real name) complained to the beautiful man about fucking around and probably annoying the shit out of Hyungwon with all the noises although most of those actually came from him.

_ Well, puppy doesn’t need to know that. _

Since he felt like he was third wheeling, hanging around when Hoseok probably wanted to spend some quality time with his best friend, he just introduced himself quickly and disappeared into his room, closing the door and sorting out the mess on his work desk. It looked like he did everything there except for work. Random sheets of paper were littering absolutely everything although Hyungwon was a fucking DJ and not an office worker. He was really hopeless when it came to keeping his work equipment organized, just like a lot of other things actually.

The voices of the two men kept penetrating the door and Hyungwon felt really sorry for Jooheon, back when he had lived with him. It must have been torture to listen to Hyungwon fuck half of the male population of Berlin behind those doors. Ignoring the voices and the fact that he could tell that puppy was squeezing some kind of information out of Hoseok (something about fucking 40000 women), Hyungwon sorted all documents he found into a pretty heap, not caring whether they actually belonged together. It was paper and it belonged in the same category so it had to be good enough.

“You fell in love with a dude?” Shorty’s voice penetrated through the wall, loud enough to give Hyungwon the feeling that someone screamed it in his ear.

_ Hoseok told him that he fell in love with you. Just like that. As the first thing after seeing his best friend. _

The wish to go back out and kiss Hoseok senseless, cover his face with masses of love and suffocate him in a hug was mind blowing but Hyungwon kept himself in check and sorted his pencils according to color instead. It was hilarious how he did absolutely useless things because he didn’t really know what to do with himself unless he was preparing a gig, doing the gig or being with Hoseok. It was as if his time had completely separated into distinct categories of what was important to him. Hoseok was fucking high up on that list and he was determined to do everything to keep it that way.

“Hoseok, are you on drugs? You fucked around for five years. Since I know you, it had always been women. Why would you fall in love with a dude suddenly? You have never been interested in any kind of human creature or relationship, like ever!” the low voice of the rather tiny individual penetrated the wall again. He was really out there embarrassing the shit out of Hoseok and telling Hyungwon shitloads of things he packed carefully into his tiny bag of achievements to be confident about. He had turned Hoseok around apparently.

_ Whatever you did, it was apparently enough to turn someone who fucked women into someone who likes you. Don’t fuck it up. Whatever he wants, you better give it to him. _

Hyungwon wasn’t sure whether Hoseok was interested in a relationship now. They hadn’t talked about it and Hyungwon sure as hell wasn’t the one to start. He had Hoseok’s feelings, at least for now, and that was enough for him. As long as the other man cared about him and stayed with him he didn’t need more. It was all up to Hoseok, whether he actually wanted to date Hyungwon or not. It would have been surprising if he did, so there was no point lingering on wishful thoughts.

Still a smile remained on his lips as he finished sorting all pencils on his table according to color. There were exactly eight pencils and they all had different colors, but Hyungwon still felt like he had done something remotely useful. It helped him to fight the urge to stick his ear to the door and attempt to hear what Hoseok answered to all the accusations. He really wanted to know.

_ Just call Minhyuk and distract yourself. You also have friends, Hyungwon. Shitloads of them and just because they work and don’t call you doesn’t mean you shouldn't.  _

He had called Minhyuk recently but there was never enough Min in his life so he might just as well add to it, bridge the time that Hoseok was occupied and didn’t have to deal with Hyungwon’s overly attached ass.

“Hi baby, how are you doing?” he began the conversation as soon as he heard Minhyuk’s high pitched voice, loud noises around him, probably outside.

“Shopping for something sexy to wear to your gig today night, honey boo,” the man on the other line replied with a laugh and Hyungwon knew immediately that he wasn’t kidding. The fact that his best friend decided to come to his gig as a surprise was amazing and lifted his mood even more.

“Awesome, you’re coming? You’ll steal the show though.”

“Nah, unless you wear an ugly ass hoodie to try to convince everyone that you’re just a hairy DJ like the rest of them.”

Hyungwon laughed out loud at that one, going through all DJs he could think of and realizing that they did indeed all have a mass of facial hair. Minhyuk was good at seeing absolutely irrelevant things.

“Wanna meet up for coffee later? I’m awake enough to leave the house and have lots of time before my gig. Maybe I can even help you find something to make your ass look fuckable,” he teased on purpose, knowing that Minhyuk constantly complained about his ass being too flat for his taste, pointlessly since the other man was incredibly handsome.

“Fucking deal. I’ll use you for discounts, just write to me when you have time. I’ll be here for a while anyway,” Minhyuk replied immediately and made some kissing noises on the other end before saying bye and ending the call. Hyungwon felt elated, plans clear and ability to tell his best friend about the person he had fallen in love with sending warmth through his chest and lungs, filling it all out, ready to burst.

Excited and in a good mood he threw the door open before he remembered that Hoseok had visitors and tried to look nonchalant and not like he had just thrown his fucking door against a wall like a crazy person. Walking through the hallway and eventually to the living room, looking for Hoseok, he couldn’t help the smile on his face. Unfortunately he couldn’t squish the beautiful blonde in front of his friend but maybe he could get a quick hug and a coffee instead.  
  
“Hey. You probably heard everything, didn’t you?” Hoseok stood leaning against the counter and sipped on his espresso, looking calm and fabulous considering the fact that he wore sweatpants and a supreme shirt. He was such a fuckboy, it wasn’t even funny. Since they had always met in official settings before, Hoseok’s clothes had been all fab. Or he had been way too hard for Hyungwon to pay attention to what he was wearing (or naked).

“Where is Shorty?” he finally asked, placing a cup under the machine himself. “And no, just a few things. The fun stuff hopefully.”   
  
Hoseok nodded quickly.   
  
“I freaked him out a little and we decided to meet up after he crawled back to his girlfriend for moral support. We’ll go for a drink later, probably around midnight.” He smiled at Hyungwon, eyes looking incredibly soft. “What about you? Do you have a gig?” 

_ He freaked him out? Shit, is Hoseok dumb? Didn’t he say that was his only friend? _

“Shouldn’t you know better than to freak out your only friend? What if he’ll drop your ass for bad taste or something?” Hyungwon couldn’t give a shit about whether he had a gig or not right now. Hoseok better not ruin things for himself, shit. He walked over to him and hugged him, just like he had wanted to when he almost ripped his door apart.   
  
The blonde man curled his arms around him and lay his head on Hyungwon’s shoulder.    
  
“He’ll get over it. And if he doesn’t, then he isn’t worth being a friend. I don’t keep people like that next to me. Changkyun isn’t like that though, he just needs a little time to adjust. He studied neuroscience, so he’s a little slow.” Hoseok chuckled. “Oh by the way, he said he studied with you, did you also study neuroscience?”    
  
Hyungwon smiled at the words. Hoseok was right. There was no point in keeping people around that didn’t deal with your shit. Minhyuk dealt with his shit all the fucking time, like a champ.

“So his name is Changkyun? I think I’ll just stay with Shorty. I did indeed do neuroscience, but I don’t remember him. To be honest I wasn’t really attentive to people during the beginning of my studies. Nineteen and naive, remember?” Hyungwon still smiled but could feel a few memories knocking at his consciousness, telling him that he should let them in and take over his mind. He shook his head a little and it must have looked mental from the outside but he needed it to clear up, to focus on Hoseok and the fact that he had been very happy. He was going to meet Minhyuk and Hoseok had immediately confessed that he liked him to his friend. Everything was great.   
  
A hand raked through his hair and Hoseok turned his head while sucking in a breath next to the skin of his neck. Whatever the pianist did to distract him, he was fucking good at it.   
  
“That’s okay, you don’t need to remember him. He said you were one semester further. It’s amazing that you finished your studies though, must’ve been hard.” The other’s fingers continued brushing over his head in slow strokes. “You smell so good, like Beethoven’s silence, so overwhelmingly beautiful, shit.” 

“Thank you,” Hyungwon murmured and breathed in Hoseok’s scent in return. Chocolate, it was always chocolate. “You smell like chocolate all the time. Makes me want to eat you up and suck on you like a fucking kinder-bar until the white stuff stains my tongue.” Hyungwon giggled at his own words and licked over the pianist’s jugular.   
  
“Would be interesting to find similarities between a kinder-bar and Beethoven’s silence, but I need to record today and I need you, if you’re still willing to help my useless ass that is.” The blonde breathed out and hot air hit Hyungwon’s skin, sending a shiver down his spine.    


Of course he was going to help. Why would he deny Hoseok anything? He loved to see him play and Minhyuk would just have to wait.

“I’d love to, Hoseok, but you lost me at kinder-bar and Beethoven,” he answered and released himself from the other man’s embrace, taking out his phone and quickly typing out a message that he had to help the love of his life with enlightenment. It should have been enough to make his friend die from curiosity until they finally met. “In addition I pride myself in finishing university in high speed, so no, it wasn’t that difficult. He just didn’t let me DJ as much as I would have wanted to, so I studied instead.”   
  
“I hope he eats a bag of dicks and chokes,” Hoseok replied before walking over to his piano and screaming. “Could you help me with the recording, you have the piano mic and everything so that’s why I said I could do it at home.” Considering the sound permission of their walls screaming was absolutely unnecessary. 

Grinning Hyungwon screamed an affirmation back and quickly ran to his room to get everything. There was the justification for having spent the time wisely as the mic was beautifully placed at the side of his table, looking like it was just waiting for him to use it today. Grabbing it in addition to the controls, he followed Hoseok to the piano, setting everything up and hoping that Hoseok wasn’t going to play anything depressing.

“All done, where do you want me?” he asked, finishing up the settings and standing next to the piano lid.   
  
Hoseok grinned like a kid.   
  
“I’m not saying I kind of thought about playing with you naked on my lap, but that’s exactly what I’m saying. Unfortunately I have to record for about an hour, so it would be super tiring for you. You can just sit next to me while I play, or stand behind me. Would be really nice if you could, I don’t know, put a hand on my thigh or shoulder.” The blonde man smiled softly towards the end of the sentence.

“I’m not saying sitting naked on your lap while you play piano is on my Christmas wishlist from now on, but that’s exactly what I’m saying,” Hyungwon replied and genuinely tried not to think about that too much. He had enough emo-boners to last him a lifetime. He walked to the kitchen and got a chair before returning and placing it next to Hoseok’s, sitting down comfortably and placing a hand on Hoseok’s thigh, smile in place and impossible to remove.   
  
“Ok, you can turn everything on. I’m pretty positive I can finish in 40 minutes, let’s see. Kind of sad I needed a whole week to head knock on your door and just ask you to save me.” His fingers froze in the air, waiting for Hyungwon to press the buttons and start. 

Reaching on top of the piano Hyungwon pressed a button and sat down again, squeezing Hoseok’s thigh and waiting for him to interrupt the silence, fill it with something much more beautiful.   
  
He didn’t wait long. The keys relented under those skilled fingers and the melody replaced the silence. Hoseok closed his eyes almost immediately and a smile appeared on his face, calm and so fitting to the music. As time passed the smile disappeared again, minor chords filling the room, body swinging to the right and to the left, fingers abusing the keys, soothing them. Hoseok’s muscles bulged at every note. A pained expression appeared in those beautiful features while the piano sounded like a cry, facial muscles relaxing again as soon as major chords mixed into the melody and the devastation left.

_ He really feels the music, Hyungwon. He feels everything. _

Hyungwon wasn’t even aware of how his body kept mirroring Hoseok’s, hand squeezing his thigh tighter when sadness emanated from his features like a flood, just to release his grip and caress along its full length instead. He felt like he was unified with the performance and Hoseok although it wasn’t about him at all. He was just sitting there and still he felt like Hoseok and him were connected in what they were feeling. In the exact seconds that Hoseok touched the keys with his fingers and transformed melodies into emotions and complex perceptions, that’s when the two of them were the same, connected through the sounds.   
  
Tiny beads of sweat started forming on the pianist’s temples, the piece he played complex and requesting a lot of skill regarding pace and finger movement. The strain was visible on his face and in the way his thigh muscles contracted under Hyungwon’s fingers, not only at the time he had to press the pedal, but also from playing itself.    
  
The melody gained tension, building up and crushing down after what felt like eternity. Hoseok let his hands fall onto Hyungwon’s after the piece was completed, breathing harshly and eyes still closed.    
  
“You felt like the missing piece. Now it was perfect and it was complete. Thank you so much for this,” he exhaled, completely out of breath. 

Hyungwon could feel his own heart hammering in his chest, hands clammy and mind focused on Hoseok and every facial expression and emotion that he expressed through his body. His own breath was irregular although he had only sat there.

_ You just mirrored him, Hyungwon. You must really like him. _

“My mirror neurons like you,” he commented and wanted to facepalm because his decision making brain areas must have turned off, letting his motor cortex do everything instead.   
  
“I’m honored, if I should be. I can’t believe I could finish it without a single mistake. You’re amazing.” Hoseok’s blonde bangs covered his eyes and were a little wet from sweating. He smiled and it was so breathtakingly beautiful. 

Hyungwon felt overwhelmed and unbelievably happy to be part of this, to be needed for something as amazing as he had just witnessed. Smiling widely in return, cheeks almost hurting, he jumped up and squished Hoseok with his thin arms, as well as he could.

“You’re amazing, Hoseok. You’re a fucking genius, I swear.”   
  
“No, you are. What you just heard was Liszt années de pélerinage first year, but you are so individually complex that you sound like the third year. You don’t know but I will show you some day, there are some sick ass harmonies in there you wouldn’t expect. It’s like with you.” Hoseok seemed a little out of it, talking about musical stuff again, but it seemed very genuine. Much more authentic than when he tried to put it into words normal humans would understand.

“Forget everything that I told you about speaking piano, Hoseok. Let’s agree that I just speak violin and especially EDM. I still love you though and am really happy that you’re so euphoric about this. Liszt is indeed one of my favourite composers.”   
  
Hoseok’s eyes widened comically and he grabbed both of his hands.   
  
“Really? Oh my god, mine too!” He stared and smiled brightly, probably after realizing that he sounded like a fanboy, which he totally was. It was cute. Hyungwon had missed adorable Hoseok a little. After they had gotten closer and Hoseok just let himself fall into the deep pit of gay that Hyungwon threw him in, he had missed the excited and sweet look on Hoseok’s face. Now if he could see that blush his day would have been complete, enough seen to talk about Hoseok for hours, annoying the shit out of Minhyuk.   
  
“Okay, I will need to drop by the company with the recording, could you put it on a USB stick for me?” Hoseok stood up and walked over to his room, before turning around and walking back in a rush. He kneeled down and hugged Hyungwon out of the blue.    
  
“Thank you so much. I thought about what I could thank you with but I’m kind of useless, so if you get an idea, I’m all yours.”    
  
Hyungwon grinned, feeling a little adventurous and loving Hoseok’s random outbursts of affection. It made him feel so...wanted? Was it wanted? It was complicated. He couldn’t quite put a finger on it, just aware of how it sent spikes through his chest, pleasant ones instead of the stabs he had felt before.

“How about you let me suck you off on your piano stool before I go meet my friend for coffee and have some positive memories to run on the rest of the day? I have a gig, so I’ll be late again.”   
  
“I would touch you on my piano, but there’s this person, my manager, Yoo Kihyun. He kind of chokes people and he needs the recording until six, so I’ll have to bring it. He will come here otherwise and I don’t want to explain why I’m living together with the guy he had a sleepless week over.” Hoseok chuckled, not moving away and just staying on his knees with muscular arms curled around his waist. 

Hyungwon pouted, disappointed but also terribly amused. So the guy who had told Hoseok to pretend to be his friend was the same person who kept him from tasting Hoseok on his tongue? Karma was a bitch. He stroked Hoseok’s cheek, loving the way the other man kneeled in front of him and looked so fascinated although he was just fucking sitting there. It made no sense. He wasn’t even naked.

“Shit, you’re fab, Hoseok. You have a manager. I do everything on my own. Except for moving around the equipment - got a company handling that.”    
  
Hoseok started laughing, mouth wide open and eyes turning into crescent moons.    
  
“It’s because I would tell people to go fuck themselves otherwise. I told you, I don’t have any basic human etiquette. It’s a struggle, for others.” He placed a short kiss on Hyungwon’s lips. 

He just grinned and peeled Hoseok’s arms off his hips, standing up and grabbing the recording equipment to plug it into his pc quickly, adjust the format and prepare the file for Hoseok and shorten the length too.

“I just tell people to fuck themselves and I’m still fine,” he remarked while walking over to his room and pushed the on button on his computer. The job was simple to take care of and he really didn’t want that manager to choke Hoseok.

“Done!” he exclaimed happily when the converter finally did it’s job, throwing the converted file on a random USB stick on his desk, some gift he got with ordering nice stuff at the sex toy shop. Hopefully Hoseok didn’t mind, but a USB stick was a USB stick. Walking over to the beautiful blonde who was busy drinking the 4257th cup of coffee that day, he pushed the flash drive into his hand, sliding into his shoes to meet Minhyuk right after.   
  
“You’re life goals. Thank you so much. Write me if something is up.” Hoseok got closer and placed a kiss on his lips, slowly. Hyungwon kissed back immediately, curling his arms around his waist and giving his firm ass a proper squeeze before grabbing a winter coat, a thick scarf and running out of the door. 

As he was typing in Minhyuk’s number while running down the stairs, he attempted to formulate his relationship in words that were good enough to describe it. Hoseok and him were domestic and he loved every little bit of it, enjoying the hugs and the kisses, unwilling to give any of that up. It seemed to work and Hoseok wasn't tired of him yet, so Hyungwon didn't want to change anything about it. 

They weren't dating but he was fine with that as well. If Hoseok was happy with his company and the presence of his body once in awhile, then Hyungwon didn't need anything else. Hoseok’s affinity to him through music was strange and difficult to comprehend but whatever it was, he really hoped that it wouldn't fade. 

_ You won't be able to take being alone again. It would fucking kill you this time, Hyungwon.  _

But he focused on the good things. The fact that Hoseok had apparently told his friend about him or would still do that later and that he wanted him around, expression so unbelievably happy when Hyungwon sat next to him as he played piano. All those things made him feel needed somehow and as long as that was the case he was satisfied. He didn't need more. 

_ Don't you dare want more, Hyungwon. That's how you make them leave. Just don't.  _

He took the underground to the centre, quickly arriving at the shopping mall Minhyuk was trawling for tight pants at. Entering the Einstein cafe, he immediately saw the redhead sitting in the corner and drinking something that looked more like whipped cream than coffee. Minhyuk was wearing a Bordeaux pullover, fitting the colour of his hair and tight black pants. 

How he intended on slipping out of those to try on something different was thankfully not Hyungwon's problem. 

“Hello there, red hottie, you come here often?” Hyungwon asked sleazily and let himself drop on the couch seat across from Minhyuk, crossing his legs and staring at him through the back strands on his forehead. The other man laughed loudly and looked elated to see Hyungwon, features relaxing and sipping on his sugar bomb.

“Damn, Hyungwon. I feel like I haven’t seen you for ages. I haven’t worn anything sexy and just kindergarten attire for what feels like months.” He giggled and and looked towards the counter, winking at an employee and turning back to Hyungwon. “How have you been?”

The question was exactly what Hyungwon had been waiting for, something to start talking about what had changed in the past two weeks. He wanted to tell the other how he had fallen in love with his roommate and felt ecstatic but scared at the same time. Minhyuk had been there for all of it, he knew how important it was for Hyungwon to find someone he liked and wanted to be with.

“I’m kinda in love,” he said with a smile, fingers fumbling under the table as he did when he was nervous and biting down on his cheek, waiting for a reply. Minhyuk’s lips parted but the answer was interrupted by an employee, who placed a gigantic latte with chocolate pieces on top in front of Hyungwon.

“For Wonie, right?” she asked in German with a smile and grinned at Minhyuk before disappearing behind the counter. The chocolate chips involuntarily made Hyungwon think of Hoseok and he smiled even more. The blonde man was so fucking beautiful and talented and he wanted Minhyuk to meet him so he would see for himself.

“Thanks, Minhyuk. I’m always glad that you support my inherent wish for premature diabetes.”

Minhyuk took another sip of his drink before he smiled widely, ignoring his sarcastic comment.

“That’s amazing, Hyungwon! Who is it? Is he hot? What does he do? How did you meet him? Is he-” Hyungwon laughed out loud and held a hand over the redhead’s mouth, amused by the excitement and the fact that other customers already turned around to look at them, probably equally amused by the questioning.

“Calm down. It’s my roommate and yes he’s fucking hot. You know that already just like basically everything else,” Hyungwon elaborated and let Minhyuk go, eating a chocolate chip and imagining covering Hoseok in it and licking it off, combining it with the way the other man always smelled like chocolate himself.

“Wait, you fell in love with your straight roommate whom you magically convinced into having sex with you, but who actually hates you? I thought the hate was mutual, Hyungwon. What are you even doing?” Minhyuk’s smile faded as quickly as it had appeared, genuine worry and surprise pervading his features.

When the redhead put it like that it sounded rather bad, as if Hyungwon had forced Hoseok into everything.

_ You kinda did, Hyungwon. _

His long fingers tightened around the glass before releasing it again.

_ No, Hoseok said that he felt that way even before you touched him. He did. He said it. _

_ But maybe he’s also lying to himself. You’ll never know. _

Hyungwon smiled carefully, taking another sip from his coffee mix and deciding that it all didn’t matter as long as Hoseok liked him now. He did, so Hyungwon would stay around for as long as the pianist wanted him.

“Yeah, but he likes me, Minhyuk. He said so. We don’t hate each other anymore. He needs me.” Everything made perfect sense to Hyungwon. Hoseok had said he needed him to feel music and play well and music was the most important thing to him, so Hyungwon was needed. That’s all that mattered.

Minhyuk nodded slowly but didn’t look too convinced, worry remaining and straw mixing his coffee drink although there was basically none in his glass.

“But-” the other man finally began, stopping when he saw Hyungwon’s eyebrow twitch. He hadn’t meant to do it. It just happened automatically, impression that he had to defend himself somehow spiking in his chest.

“I understand everything, really. I’m just a little concerned as you can imagine. Are the two of you dating?”

Hyungwon’s fingers tensed, squishing the straw of his drink between his index finger and thumb, unable to answer immediately. 

_ You aren’t. _

But did that really matter? Hoseok and him were working perfectly fine, spending time with each other and enjoying the other’s company. Why did they need more than that? Hyungwon was perfectly happy as long as the pianist stayed around and kissed him like he had before. As long as he touched him and kissed him like he mattered. Everything else was superfluous.

“We like each other. That’s all that matters.”

“Shit, Hyungwon, why the fuck are you like this?” Minhyuk exclaimed, fury obvious and hands hitting the table unexpectedly, causing Hyungwon to flinch on his chair. The outburst was more intense than he anticipated. Usually Minhyuk talked calmly instead of hitting tables in public. “You can’t just let him do whatever without defining any boundaries! He’ll just fuck you over, like before.”

“You don’t understand, Minhyuk. It’s different with Hoseok than with...him. Hoseok really needs me, he does. He’s not going to leave just like that. At least not for now.”

Minhyuk’s gaze was absolutely neutral as he leaned back in his seat. Hyungwon would have felt uncomfortable hadn’t he seen it countless of times.

“Tom. You mean Tom.”

Hyungwon almost dropped his drink to the ground, placing it back on the table quickly and eyes wide. Why did Minhyuk have to confront him like this all the time? Couldn't he just believe him for once?

“Yeah, whatever, Minhyuk. Hoseok likes me and Hoseok is nice to me. He really is, I swear.” Hyungwon stared back with the same intensity, swallowing some more of his drink and shifting his legs. Some of the other people around them were looking but turned away when nothing happened for long enough. Luckily German’s loved minding their own business unless it was a grandma waiting for some excitement in her life, such as a shittily parked car.

“Okay, but promise me one thing.”

“Depends on what it is.”

“If he treats you badly you’ll immediately tell me, okay? Please?” Minhyuk sounded urgent, placing his hand on top of Hyungwon’s, rubbing over it affectionately.

He could do that. It wasn’t that hard. Hoseok wouldn’t hurt him anyway, nothing that Hyungwon wouldn’t want himself either way.

He nodded and finished his drink.

“Perfect, and now we can go get you some hot as fuck pants so you can score, right?” he asked and stood up, watching Minhyuk finish the rest of his liquid sugar and putting on his beige coat, looking amazing with his red hair.

He had missed shopping with Minhyuk, even if he had to pull the tight black pants from the other man’s legs in the changing room, listening to him giggle like a maniac while the shop assistant kept getting uncomfortable on the other side, probably thinking god knows what.

_ Just enjoy yourself, Hyungwon. You’re in love and spending quality time with your best friend. Just be happy and stop thinking about how devastated you’ll be when it’s over. _

When Minhyuk was smiling like a fucking puppy, buying crazily-ripped, black leather pants Hyungwon wasn’t sure who was more of a slut among the two of them, but either way he felt happy about the other’s euphoric reaction to a pair of pants. He pointed out that his friend would end up naked either way, but it hadn’t been enough to break the good mood. 

Hyungwon had dressed appropriately for his gig before, wearing a nice, red button-down and tight pants as usual, looking a bit more fancy than for the smaller clubs since it was a bigger venue again. The media was there for some performance pictures during the first hour and after that he could do whatever the fuck he wanted. 

Spending the rest of the time with dinner and detailed descriptions of Hoseok’s dick and what Hyungwon felt when the other man played piano, the two of them shared a taxi to the venue. Minhyuk disappeared into the crowd while Hyungwon set up his equipment.

There wasn’t much stopping him from a perfect day at this point. Hoseok had filled out the first half, he had spent time with his best friend and was about to rock people’s bodies with his beats. Putting on his headphones he couldn’t help the grin that spread, closing his eyes and sinking into the music.

Shit, he was euphoric. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt like this without orgasming.

Smile gracing his lips he breathed in deeply, adjusting the headphones on his head, and dropped the fucking beat.

 

***   
  


The fact that his performance anxiety evaporated while Hyungwon sat next to him bordered on some kind of magical bulllshit. But the outcome counted and the outcome was Liszt Anées de pélerinage - first year without any single mistake, played like a fucking genius, every emotion detectable and every key pressed the right fucking way.    
  
_ Shit, you could’ve been Lang Lang, if you had Hyungwon from the start.  _   
  
But he hadn’t. Hoseok had just met him a couple of weeks ago and his whole life was already spinning around the beautiful man in a matter of days. Everything was well, the company was happy with the recording, Yoongi had called him to say he was envious of Hoseok’s skill in that low, mocking voice of his, but the sincerity had been mind blowing. He felt high.    
  
_ He completes you. He makes you perfect. He’s your ending chord and the missing piece you were searching for for the past twenty years, head hitting against walls and screaming at your instrument.  _ _   
_ __   
He was, but Hoseok had no fucking idea how to make it last, to intertwine himself with Hyungwon, to make him stay, act such that it lasted. He needed him. He felt like living was beautiful and full of wonder when those big, brown eyes met his gaze, so deep and full of something he wanted to dive in.

It was already dark and pretty late. Changkyun had suggested to meet in the fancy club in the centre because they had good long drinks and enjoyable music. Hoseok was on his way, taking big steps and freezing a little in his black, ripped jeans and black turtleneck, zipper of the leatherjacket opened because he was ignorant towards his own bodily needs and pretty lazy.    
  
The club was indeed very fancy, EDM music played and he found Changkyun sitting at the bar with the view on the DJ booth, where a random bearded DJ was jumping around, as if on some nasty amphetamines. Hoseok would’ve rather seen the beautiful, black-haired man, dressed in something silky and tight, moving his body and meeting his eyes, smiling from the booth.   
  
_ Life’s not a wishlist, Hoseok.  _   
  
Well, it was a wishlist, but nobody cared about your wishes. Sad story, bro.    
  
“Still in love with a dude?” His best friend turned to face him and pointed at the chair next to his.    
  
“Mhm, I guess.” Hoseok sat down and ordered a gin and tonic. “I recorded a piano piece today. Forty minutes, Liszt, perfectly played. It was perfect, do you understand?”    
  
The other man looked surprised before taking a sip of his drink, probably whiskey coke.   
  
“I thought you can’t record, Hoseok? You did? Did you take something? I told you to go to a psychologist, or psychiatrists. They have even better stuff.” A nasty smile spread on the handsome face.    
  
“No, I didn’t take anything. He was next to me. I was able to play because he sat next to me,” Hoseok answered absentmindedly, while recollecting all those times when Changkyun had tried to persuade him to get treated against anxiety, but he just didn’t bother going. His parents and all those hours of psychotherapy back in the US had been more than enough. They should’ve just taught him how to deal with life instead of trying to solve every problem he had with money and by involving other people.   
  
When Changkyun turned around, staring, the surprise was written all over his face.   
  
“He was there? After I left? Who is it? Do I know him? Tell me about him. Why do you think you’re in love? I’m just wondering, you know, not to be mean, but you don’t care about people, Hoseok. You never really did. You never cared about anything other than your piano. And you never shared it. It was always just you and the black wood.” A bitter smile appeared briefly before it faded and the other man glared up, waiting for an answer.   
  
“He was there and he helped me play. I can only play when he’s around.” He paused. “It’s true, I don’t care about people. I was always okay being alone, although you are my best friend and I sincerely love you. But I don’t want to be alone anymore, Changkyun. I just want him to be there, always, every fucking second. I want to melt into him. He feels like music, his eyes, there is this black mass, I want to feel it too, everything. I really love life since he’s next to me. It seems so disgustingly beautiful and easy.” Hoseok’s voice almost cracked at the last part, too emotional to continue, feelings numbing his tongue and preventing him from saying all those things he thought about Hyungwon.

Shit, he missed him already.    
  
“Fuck, what happened for you to get that whipped, Hoseok? That’s a whole new scale of hooked. Who’s that guy?” Changkyun’s features relaxed a little and he took a big gulp of his drink before pinching Hoseok’s arm painfully.    
  
Hoseok wanted to answer, he wanted to explain everything but a familiar melody hit his ears like a wrecking ball before a soft women’s voice started singing.    
  
_ ‘Would you bleed for me? Lick it off my lips like you needed me?’ _ _   
_   
Shit. His melody. Hyungwon’s song. Hoseok lifted his head and spotted him, in the DJ booth, red shirt contrasting with his black hair, huge headphones, big eyes, moving his body smoothly while chewing on the inside of his cheek. Hyungwon appeared and made his insides clench, paired with the emotional poison his song produced in him.   
  
“Just tell me who the fuck he is, Hoseok. I’m your friend for fuck’s sake.” Changkyun’s voice disturbed his emotional rollercoaster.  
  
“Him.” He raised his right hand, index finger pointing at the DJ booth, covered in red light. “It’s him.” Hoseok wasn’t able to remove his gaze, absolutely mesmerized by the sight and the music, lyrics burning a hole into his lungs, air escaping and foggy void filling them instead.   
  
“Him? The DJ? Wait, isn’t that your flatmate? Chae Hyungwon? Hoseok? What the fuck?”    
A painful sensation ripped him out of trance and he stared to the left, Changkyun’s fingers digging into the skin on his upper arm and face looking as if someone slapped him.   
  
“Mhm. It’s him.” Hoseok tried hard to get his feelings under control, the void visible in front of his eyes, body and mind yearning to move, go up there, hug and kiss Hyungwon. His tiny rest of rationality stopped him.    
  
“Are you mental, Hoseok? That guy out of all people out there? He’s fucked in the head. He studied in my program. He’s mental! He walked around looking raped as fuck and people said he took drugs and was in the SM scene. You have no fucking idea. Being roommates is one thing but being in a relationship with someone like that is different. Shit, stay away from him.” His best friend tried to find something in his expression before the words hit his eardrums and he almost broke the glass in his hand.    
  
He wanted to cry and he wanted to choke Changkyun for saying it the way he had. He had no fucking idea and it hurt so much. It hurt so fucking much to hear and imagine it that Hoseok gulped down his drink in three seconds, hands clenched into fists, thinking about what to say and how not to hurt his best friend.    
  
_ That’s the reason why you don’t like people, Hoseok. They just judge without having any kind of idea about reality. It’s all about judging. They’re the reason why Hyungwon is like this. _ _   
_ __   
“You don’t know shit. I love you, I really do, but you have no fucking idea what you’re talking about and I hate you for it. You saw him running around and looking raped? Why the fuck didn’t you help him instead of judging and feeling as if you’re better? You should’ve offered help like you did with me.” Hoseok was mad, realizing that Hyungwon probably wouldn’t have been forced to go through all that if he had met somebody to help him out. The mere thought made breathing difficult.   
  
“What are you talking about, Hoseok? What the fuck do you know? Do you know him so well? When did you manage to become friends? And lovers? Are you lovers? Are you dating? Is that it? Did he pull you into some weird shit?”    
  
Hoseok closed his eyes and turned away. 

No, Hyungwon didn’t do anything like that, but he thought like that. Hyungwon did. 

It hurt.    
  
“He didn’t do anything, Changkyun. Lovers? I don’t know and I don’t care. I want him to be around. He makes me feel alive and he makes me feel music. He is like music for me. I don’t want anything else, I just want him.” Hoseok stood up and went to the dancefloor, leaving Changkyun sitting at the bar and shouting something after him.   
  
The peace he enjoyed from dancing to Hyungwon’s music on his own, flexing his muscles to the beat, wasn’t long living. A small hand moved smoothly along his thigh and briefly over his ass before a red-haired male appeared in front of him, taking his unusually delicate hand for a man back and waving at him.

“Would you mind dancing with me, Hercules?” the other man asked with a grin, wide and genuine and hand resting at his waist, emphasizing how thin he actually was under the loose blouse he was wearing.

Hoseok was taken aback, forgetting the length of appropriate eye contact before he controlled his facial expressions and smiled back. 

“Uhm sorry, but I'm kinda not into dancing together. But thanks for the invitation.” His eyes went up to the DJ booth immediately. He missed Hyungwon, fuck. The red-haired man didn’t seem insulted in the slightest, grin staying as his face kept getting closer.

“But how do you know that before even trying, sweetheart?” he asked, winking and also looking up to the DJ booth quickly before focusing his gaze on Hoseok again. “Maybe it’ll be a mind blowing experience because it’s me. Literally.”

“I already have someone who provides the mind blowing stuff, but thank you for offering.” He couldn't rip his eyes of Hyungwon, who was dancing behind the counter, turning knobs while not knowing that Hoseok was staring at him. He looked absolutely mesmerizing. 

“Chill, I didn’t say that you have to take me home. We could just dance for the hell of it. I’m a good dancer and I’m also pretty pleasant company I think. We could even talk about that person that provides such mind blowing experiences. I’m all ears.” The redhead was pretty persistent, still grinning despite Hoseok’s constant rejections and following his gaze whenever he turned towards the booth with the only person he really wanted to see. “You like the DJ?”

“Mhm, a lot,” he answered absentmindedly, without thinking about the fact that he was confessing his love for Hyungwon to random people on the dancefloor. “Just dance, why would you ask? Sorry I'm a little out of it, I think I need a drink.” Hoseok turned around to look for the next bar counter. 

The slightly taller male pointed behind himself and placed his other hand on Hoseok’s shoulder. 

“So you like the DJ enough to be confused and need a drink? Must be some damn crazy infatuation with music then. Isn't your person going to be jealous?” he asked and pulled Hoseok in the direction of the bar, movements quick and purposeful.    


Hoseok breathed in and out, still trying to calm down from the talk with Changkyun. 

“It's him, the DJ is the person,” he commented briefly and ordered another gin and tonic. “I'm Hoseok by the way. Nice to meet you,” he added, trying to revive his non-existent social skills. 

“I'm Minhyuk and really curious whether the DJ is aware of your intense struggles over here. I like that you just say it the way it is instead of pretending he's a woman or some bullshit,” the redhead remarked and somehow managed to look even more genuine and in a good mood, glancing over to the booth before ordering a Pina Colada.

_ Hyungwon also likes that drink. _   
  
“Why would he be a woman?” Hoseok didn’t get what the other was talking about and took a gulp of his drink. “I think he’s not aware, look at him.” He chuckled because Hyungwon looked a little delirious, swinging his body to the left and to the right according to the movements in the beat and melody. So beautiful. 

“Dunno, why wouldn't you automatically be straight? And I actually meant your general emotional struggles and not whether he knows that you're at his gig,” Minhyuk answered and followed suit, taking a nice gulp of his cocktail.    
  
What was it with people and their strange infatuation with his emotional struggles and sexuality. Did he look like someone who had issues?    
  
“Why would you care whether I’m straight or vegetarian?” Hoseok pulled his predatory gaze, a little annoyed at the questions and the fact that he didn’t get shit. “And I don’t think I have emotional struggles. I’m fine. Do you always talk to strangers about their emotional load?” Hoseok started laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation. 

The redhead wasn't affected in any way, just smirking at him before looking over to the booth and taking a deep breath. 

“Usually I don't give a shit unless I feel like I might be forced to rip someone to pieces. Listen up Hoseok, if you break even the tiniest hair on Won’s head, I swear it won't fucking matter whether you like him or not and whether you are about twice my size, I'll fucking kill you.” Leaning further against the bar Minhyuk stared at him, cheerfulness making way for something much more serious.  
  
_ He knows, Hyungwon. And he knows who you are. _ _   
_ __   
Hoseok swallowed and nodded before a smirk appeared on his lips.    
  
“Feel free. I don’t know who the fuck you are but same goes for you,” he threw back. Hoseok was not getting random threats from dudes he didn’t know, especially not regarding Hyungwon. People could just go eat a bag of dicks. The only person whose opinion mattered was the beautiful, black-haired man in the DJ booth. 

End of story.   


He was annoyed at the second person that evening trying to tell him something about his relationship to Hyungwon. The one was judgemental and the other overprotective. Thinking back he wanted to facepalm. The other man’s behaviour had been so obvious, but Hoseok had acted like a dumb person.    
  
_ Maybe they’re close. He might tell you something usable, something you might need to make Hyungwon happy later, don’t be a dick.  _ _   
_ __   
“Are you two close?” Hoseok pointed at the DJ booth before looking over to the handsome man next to him. 

_ Shit, what if that’s the guy from the song? The guy who did that to Hyungwon? _   
  
He couldn’t imagine him looking like that, but who knew. He needed to find out and make sure to break his limbs if it was indeed true. His gaze changed after the thoughts had passed his mind.

The other man smiled, friendliness returning and features relaxing. Whatever Hoseok did it must have been something good.

“Sure, I know him. We're best friends since forever and since he's a soft soul I'm rather worried about your intentions, even if he looks all experienced and hard as fuck,” Minhyuk explained and he was suddenly cute, all bubbly and gesturing a lot.    
  
Hoseok felt the muscle tension leaving him all of a sudden. Of course, the one time Hyungwon had cried in front of the piano he had called someone called Minhyuk over the phone.   
  
“Mhm, I know. You don’t have to be worried. I think.” Hoseok smiled back at the friendliness, feeling empty with Hyungwon being there but not in his proximity. He looked up to the booth again. 

“Oops,” Minhyuk said cheerfully as Hyungwon was staring at them, surprise obvious with the way his eyes widened and hands removed the headphones. “Won saw me. Or you. Or both.”   
  
Hoseok wanted to look Hyungwon in the eyes until his own body didn’t have any nutritions to keep functioning. It was so intense. He didn’t even know why, probably because his emotional state was not really stable and the wish to melt into the other man was the most prominent thought in his head. He just stared as if he was mental, mesmerized by the beautiful face. Had Hyungwon always been so incredibly beautiful? 

“Hoseok, you there? Won needs to DJ. He'll miss his favourite transition if you don't let him go,” a voice behind him commented, pulling his arm.    
  
He turned around and faced the smiling Minhyuk.    
  
“What does he like? Hyungwon I mean,” Hoseok blurted out, forgetting that he had met the person in front of him whole ten minutes ago. He didn’t care. Again.    


Minhyuk’s smile got even wider and he squeezed Hoseok’s biceps.

“Won likes DJing, coffee with chocolate, flowers because he's cheesy and composing music for hours on end. And sex. Lots of sex.” For some reason Hoseok’s question seemed to make the redhead impossibly happy and it was the most useful piece of information he had received during the whole evening. The fact that he kind of sucked at everything Minhyuk had mentioned didn’t make him sad. A person could improve. He was good. He knew so many pieces by heart. His memory was exceptional and he was willing to learn about everything else.    
  
“Is there something I shouldn’t do? I know it sounds super dumb, but I don’t want to do anything stupid that will make him angry or sad.” Hoseok was pretty sure that he was only able to go through life, being semi-successful and not depressed, by serving his insides on a plate while getting detached beforehand. Even if others made fun of him, he didn’t care. 

“Ehm, from his perspective he might be an idiot and say there isn't but don't believe him. He sometimes…” Minhyuk paused, obviously uncomfortable with the topic. “Sometimes he doesn't know what's good for him.” The other man took another sip from his drink, thinking about the answer. 

“Shit, I genuinely can't think of anything that Hyungwon said he didn't like. Nothing where people did something he hated. He never mentioned anything like that,” Minhyuk exclaimed, obviously shocked himself about the inability to find at least one thing. “Well, he hates meaningless music.”   
  
Hoseok nodded throughout the whole elaborative monologue. He had thought so, had the feeling that Hyungwon gave himself up just like that, without thinking about himself, although the beautiful man mattered so much. To him.    
  
“Same. But I know one thing though.” He started laughing while recollecting the memory of Hyungwon’s annoyed face while he had stood in his door frame, eaten an apple and told Hoseok’s one night stand to get a functioning relationship. “I think he doesn’t like the way women moan during sex.” 

Minhyuk laughed out loud, almost choking on the little bit of Pina Colada he had sucked up through the straw. 

“True, he hates high-pitched noises and likes it low. Oh! And he hates the cold, like death.” Minhyuk grinned and gave Hoseok a random hug, burying his head in the crook of his neck. “Shit, you're so nice, Hoseok. Why did you guys hate each other?”   
  
Good question. It had probably started off wrong. Now Hoseok wasn’t able to recollect the way he had felt back then, scheme not clear and so illogical.    
  
“Don’t really remember. I don’t think that I’m nice, but thank you and thank you for telling me what he likes. It was really useful. How did you know that it was me?” He really wanted to know how the other man was able to recognize him as the one.

Minhyuk looked at him as if he doubted his university degree, a lot. 

“You're a famous singer who insulted him in a newspaper article and whom he apparently likes like crazy. Come on, you're a blonde Korean guy. Of course I recognized you. Annyeong motherfucker.”   
  
Right. Singer. He had almost forgotten from all the piano playing and eureka-like experiences with Hyungwon. He also forgot that he had schedules starting next week. Fuck. He had kind of hoped that he would get money like this, staying home, playing piano, kissing Hyungwon and going to the club to listen to him DJ. At least the media wouldn’t go after them because they lived together and got along really well.   
  
“Sorry, I didn’t have schedules the last two weeks and was busy with other things so I didn’t think about it at all. I do have a question though. It’s a strange one but maybe you can answer. I just have the feeling that I won’t get a proper answer if I ask him.” Hoseok tilted his head towards the DJ booth. “It’s a little intimate I guess, but maybe you can tell me. Are there people who like pain? I mean, Hyungwon asked me how I can be sure that he doesn’t like pain. I’m not sure, I have no idea but I don’t want to hurt him.” Hoseok observed Minhyuk’s face intently, he needed to know.   


Minhyuk’s eyes widened and he looked over to the DJ booth before staring back at Hoseok, fingers playing aimlessly with the straw of his drink. He seemed a little uncomfortable. 

“Ehm, did- did Hyungwon straight out ask you to hurt him?” He looked to the side of the bar. “I mean, of course there are people who like pain. BDSM is there for a reason.”   
  
Did he? Hoseok wasn’t sure. But the few times the other had commented on it had implied something like that. His brain worked furiously,  trying to recollect the situation.   
  
“Hmm, I think it was something that sounded like he was okay even if I did, but I told him that I don’t want to, and he asked what makes me think that he doesn’t like pain. I guess it was something like that. It’s just, I’m so dumb when it comes to stuff like that. I seriously have no fucking idea. My only knowledge is that I sure as hell won’t hurt him.” 

Minhyuk chewed on his lower lip, reflecting on Hoseok’s words. His face was apathetic compared to the happiness it had showed before. Now it was calm and collected, mostly in thought.

“I don't know, Hoseok. He might like it. I really can't tell you. It's just not something he talks about, not voluntarily either way. This might be a little strange but you ask strange questions so I'll go all out. Are you familiar with porn addiction?”   
  
“No, never really needed porn to be honest,” Hoseok answered immediately, thinking about what Minhyuk had said. 

The redhead took another sip of his drink, emptying it before answering. 

“You know, with porn there is the phenomenon of needing something more and more intense to reach the same level of arousal. For the same orgasm you need more and more extreme porn. Sometimes I fear that Hyungwon has something similar, just on the physical level. He gets bored with sex quickly and needs certain… unusual things to get the same kick out of it, somehow? I hope it makes sense. It's just my personal feeling,” he answered carefully, discomfort clear in his body posture.    
  
Hoseok closed his eyes for a couple seconds, longer than he needed to blink, sucking in a deep breath and smiling at Minhyuk. He was thankful that the other man had explained everything so clearly, it all made sense to him. Just like the sad conclusion it resulted in.   
  
“Too bad, he will get bored with me after a short while I guess.” Hoseok emptied his long drink and stood up, turning to the red-haired man who had indeed been very nice company.

“Hoseok, you misunderstood. I'm just saying he might ask you for things. Just don't give them, please. Fuck I don't know if I'm making sense.” Minhyuk sighed in exasperation, ordering another cocktail. ”So much to scoring and dancing tonight. You better dance with me to compensate.”   
  
“I think I understood perfectly. That was exactly what I meant. He might ask, but I won’t hurt him, so he might leave.” Hoseok smiled and couldn’t hide the sadness he felt saying it, because it made so much sense. Too much. “I think I’ll go home, I can’t sleep in tomorrow. But thank you so much for the talk! Hyungwon is really lucky to have you as a friend. Thanks.” He wanted to go before Minhyuk grabbed his arm.    


“You're dumb, Hoseok. Hyungwon can never leave. He never fucking leaves.” Minhyuk sounded bitter, facial expressions neutral again. “Don't leave now. I see that in kids often enough. Leaving when you're hurt and making the wrong conclusions yourself and wailing in self pity. Don't be a three-year-old, hun.”   
  
Was he hurt? The conclusion was sad, yes, but he wasn’t hurt. He also didn’t plan on doing anything about it. It was just the rational outcome. The hypothesis that Hyungwon never left was the same as that Hoseok had only fucked women before. It didn’t mean shit. It didn’t mean any- fucking-thing.   
  
_ Actually Hyungwon should leave you, because you really like him and wouldn’t make him feel bad about it. _   
  
It was like the Chopin concerto when he had been nineteen, he hadn’t been able to play it, he had failed so many times, before finally being able to play the one page. It was all about practice. Hyungwon needed to practice leaving.    
  
“I don’t pity myself. I think Hyungwon might have the best chances to leave me, because I like him so much and wouldn’t blame him. But let’s see, I just hope he stays forever.” Hoseok chuckled at his last words. “He has to live with me for a year, unless he moves out,” he added remembering he had the apartment joker.

Minhyuk’s lips parted but no sound came out. The redhead didn't know what to answer, so he just nodded, finally letting go of Hoseok’s arm and leaning back against the bar. 

“Dance with me.”   
  
Life was sad and things didn’t go the way one wanted them to go. Hoseok had a Ph.D in that shit, which is why he just danced to the music his maestro was playing, dancing with Hyungwon’s best friend and trying to feel the present instead of worrying about something that wasn’t there. Yet. 

Long fingers tightened on Hoseok’s shoulders, turning him around and plump lips placed a quick kiss on his mouth.

“Hello there, babe. What gives me the honour?” Hyungwon was standing in front of him in all his beauty, red shirt even more impactful from up close. His features were simply unreal, large eyes reflecting some of the dim light in the club. Hoseok had wanted to feel the present? There it was. It was there when Hyungwon was.    
  
“I met with Changkyun here, and then I almost choked on my gin and tonic because I heard your song and then I saw you.” Hoseok kissed back, feeling much more than he should’ve from one kiss only and suppressing the wish to melt into the familiar body. 

“Why are you dancing with that sexy ass when you should be dancing with mine?” Hyungwon asked teasingly while Minhyuk snorted in the back. 

“We're best friends, Hyungwon! We check out each other's goods, remember?” the redhead called over the loud music and rolled his hips in accompaniment. Hyungwon just laughed as an answer, letting go of Hoseok and giving Minhyuk a tight hug. 

“I'm sorry that you couldn't score, Min.” Then he turned to Hoseok. “Did he creep you out, babe?”   
  
Hoseok shook his head furiously. The man was the best non emotionally loaded company he had since forever. His best friend needed time to deal with the situation and Hoseok would give him the time.   
  
_ Sorry, Changkyun _ .   
  
“How long do you have until you’re done?” he asked, turning to Hyungwon, fingers tingling with the desire to touch him. He thought about waiting for the other to finish to be able to go home together.

“Do you think I would be down here if I hadn’t finished yet? This is just my transition playlist. Some other guy is doing the rest of the night,” Hyungwon answered with a smile, probably guessing already what Hoseok was hinting at. Whenever Hyungwon DJ’ed his mood was unusually happy, smile bright and movements big. “We should get Minhyuk home though. He’s too pretty for his own good and you’re just the right size to look intimidating.”   
  
Hoseok smiled at him. How could he not smile if everything that Hyungwon did made him irrationally happy, major chords flowing everywhere. Euphoria built up from the proximity and the willingness with which the beautiful man gave him everything he had ever wanted. It numbed his senses.   
  
“Whatever you ask.” Hoseok took his hand, a little cold considering they were inside a club, rubbing circles into his palm. “Let’s go then.”    
  
No matter how many times he saw him, or touched him, or heard his voice, Hyungwon remained a sensation that was able to concentrate every bit of his attention in one spot, sending his senses into overdrive and making him wish for more. He decided to be happy, to enjoy and to cherish every single touch and kiss, every affectionate word and every smile. Everything until Hyungwon had enough and decided to go.    
  
_ You are patient, Hoseok, you will just wait until he wants you again. _ _   
_ _   
_ __ Who knows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter works on Hoseok's and Hyungwon's perception of their relationship, empathic approach and shows Hyungwon from his best friend's perspective. 
> 
> Music reccommendations:  
> Liszt - annees de pelerinage (1st year)  
> Halsey - Trouble
> 
> Next Update on January 26th at 2 PM CET. Earlier this time cause we'll be in the plane to London.
> 
> We write one character each,  
> @Hichanchen writes Hyungwon (and Minhyuk+Jooheon) and  
> @Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok (and Kihyun+Changkyun)
> 
> Hit us up on Twitter  
> @Hichanchen  
> @Smut_Hemingway
> 
> We are extremely happy about every comment and every click. You are one of the major reasons we write. (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	14. 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter won't have a summary. It is very hard to read especially towards the end and it was definitely one of the hardest to write for both of us. You might cry just as we did, but the chapter is crucial for the whole story. 
> 
> Also this might ruin your mood and evoke destructive thoughts. Hit us up if you feel bad or need someone to talk.  
> We are @Smut_hemingway and @Hichanchen on Twitter and our DM's are open.

Hyungwon rose on his tiptoes, stretching out to hang the ridiculously pink and glittery ‘Happy Birthday, Min!’ sign that one of their friends had prepared on the wall. He hoped that Minhyuk would choke on the gay and be grateful. It was already sacrificial of him to allow Minhyuk to celebrate his birthday at their apartment at all, instead of his teeny meeny room completely filled with children’s toys. Hyungwon had mercy, there was nothing creepier than making out on a couch and suddenly finding a Donald Duck figurine under your ass - one that squeaked. 

He knew from personal experience.

Hoseok was fine with the party and the DJ would have been honestly surprised if he hadn’t been. The blonde had disappeared for almost two weeks, only coming home to sleep, inhale five cups of coffee in succession and disappear again. He needed a break as much as everyone else did. 

The fact that Hyungwon had had performances only reduced their possibilities to talk and spend time with each other. However, when they did find time to at least place a short kiss on each other’s lips and ask questions that actually mattered, it wasn’t as empty as it had been before. Every word and every touch was less superficial and Hyungwon enjoyed that more than he had believed possible. 

It felt so strange to remember the time before those two weeks. The pianist and the worry that he would leave had been the only things on his mind, memories constantly filled with his smiling face or something sexual, very sexual and definitely not safe for work. Now it was different and more related to Hoseok himself. There were many more images of the beautiful man at the piano, fingers dancing over the keys, blonde strands in his face or the concentrated facial expression he had when he sat in the living room, headphones over his ears and listened to Bach, at a volume that would have raped Hyungwon’s ears into the next dimension, had it been EDM. Hoseok’s relationship with music was still something that he had difficulties to comprehend. It just wasn’t the way he felt about music himself, but Hyungwon was trying. 

Whenever the pianist had managed to pick him up from his gigs, they had talked a lot, learning more about each other. They had shared how they felt about music. If Hyungwon had sorted Hoseok into the category ‘weird’ before, the other man slipped into ‘fucking weird but the best person in the world’ by now. There were so many things the DJ still didn’t understand but really wanted to. When Hoseok had returned early from a performance on a Saturday night, the two of them had sat on the couch for five hours and simply talked, Hyungwon’s long legs stretched out over the singer’s lap. 

Hoseok’s childhood had been absolutely fucked up compared to his. Hyungwon's parents wouldn’t have been able to just leave him alone with a piano. They weren’t able to leave him alone at all. Their constant ideas of what he should be doing, how he should be doing it and whom he should marry when he grew up had never ended, filling Hyungwon’s daily life like a disease. At was like a sickness that started out minimally but affected more and more organs in your body. Even now they only had demands once they called, asking Hyungwon about his future wife and when he would finally have a proper job. 

Hoseok on the other hand had been completely abandoned and forced to deal with his problems on his own. Even the help that had been offered didn’t replace genuine affection and attention by his parents. Hyungwon felt angry about someone as beautiful and talented as the pianist having to deal with something like that. 

How the man he loved managed to turn into a decent human being, was a miracle in itself.

Hoseok was talented in piano playing, singing and also composition. Hyungwon had a few musically challenging skills that he was proud of, but he wouldn’t consider himself a professional in any of them. The pianist sitting next to him and cutting out little stars from red paper with his two left hands (when it came to handcraft), on the other hand, was a professional through and through.

Why would someone like him have performance anxiety? Why, when he was so talented and able to make everybody feel something with his playing?

_ You can always ask, Hyungwon. _

“Hoseok?” he murmured, adding the word ‘Min’ to the wall with tape and sticking a few multi-colored heart stickers around it for the rainbow effect of it all. The blonde lifted his head, scissors frozen in his hand and waiting for the question. 

“Why can’t you play in front of other people? I keep thinking about it.”   
  
Hoseok looked at him for what felt like minutes until he smiled briefly and continued cutting out the stars.   
  
“It’s a good question. I guess it’s a loneliness thing. You know, I told you that I was perfectly fine being alone all this time, right? I was fine not having friends, I was fine not interacting with anybody for weeks or months and I also didn’t want to.” He put a star down and started with the next one. “But everything has a price somehow. I guess it’s mine. I was happy alone but other people or the thought of a recording pushed me into a state of ultimate stress, all resources fading and the pathetic rest trying to move my hands. This is not how a pianist should play. A pianist should feel the music and I can’t feel it when others are around, others apart from you.”

_ Why are you so special, Hyungwon? It’s strange _ .

“But why me? I don’t even appreciate your skill to the level it should be appreciated. I mean, I want to, I really do, but my piano skills suck compared to yours and I just feel like I might not be enough for you on the long run. Don’t you feel like you are talking to a wall sometimes?” Hoseok constantly used musical metaphors, explaining his feelings through chords and melodies and Hyungwon couldn’t promise that he always grasped the underlying meaning. He wanted Hoseok to feel understood and feared that he wasn’t able to give him that.   
  
“Imagine your favourite sex shop. A representative comes and throws a bunch of sextoys, worth a lot of money, in front of your feet. You basically osgasm just from seeing them and then the representative is like ‘Is it okay? Is it enough? We don’t even have your favourite color!’.”

Hoseok chuckled at his own comparison. 

“It’s something similar. I talk about music a lot because I talked music since I was little. It’s just easier for me to express myself like that. You don’t need to appreciate my skill. I really enjoy talking to you about music, because your perspective is so different from mine. It's that difference that makes it a learning experience for me, so fresh, unexpected and precious. You know, back then, when I told you I wanted to see everything? I think you are not only enough for me, but more like a huge ass present thrown into my face and I keep asking myself what the fuck I did to be worth it.” 

Hoseok's eyes were full of affection, directed at him. 

“I never talk to a wall, apart from that one time you masturbated and I wanted to kill you.” He lifted his head again and smiled at him, so authentically and beautifully. His smile was honestly out of this world, immediately evoking the wish to return it. 

Hyungwon couldn’t help but wonder why he hadn’t seen it before. Even when Hoseok had insulted him, and been the innocent person he wanted to seduce and ravish, all of this had been there already, just not as easily traceable. Now he felt like he could touch Hoseok’s core just by stretching out his hand, feeling the other man just from his facial expressions and the things he said. No one had ever said something like that to him. It sounded like his presence alone was sufficient to give Hoseok meaning.

“I love you, Hoseok,” he whispered, unable to say anything more coherent and more meaningful, too bland to express himself the way the blonde man did. “I just love you and can’t make it sound prettier than that. I don't know how.” He felt emotional, and wanted to just let the stupid dog memes fall to the ground and let Minhyuk hang them up by himself, being tiny and unable to do so like the rest of his circle of friends.

“I have a lot of sex toys and still they don’t make me as happy as you do?” he tried eventually, brain rather stuck on Hoseok’s sex shop metaphor. “I forgot to ask, I hope you didn’t get weird comments because of my USB stick.”   
  
“I did, but I told them humans need pleasure and to go and fuck themselves and then Kihyun told me to shut the fuck up.” Laughter filled the room again. “You don’t need to say it prettily, why would you? I can only speak piano and you speak Hyungwon. As long as we understand each other I couldn’t care less.” Hoseok finished cutting out his stars and put the scissors down before coming over and hugging Hyungwon from the back. “I really like everything about you. I want you to throw more things at me, everything, so I can like more.” Hoseok placed a kiss on his nape.

It was overwhelming how much affection Hoseok was willing to show. Most men Hyungwon had been with kept thinking that showing emotions was a weakness but the blonde behind him just threw it all out for the world to see, not caring whether it would be considered weak or not. It was hard not to love. How was the whole fucking world not in love with him yet?

_ He probably has lots of groupies. _

“Hoseok, have you ever slept with a fan?” Hyungwon found himself asking, brain wondering about how much love Hoseok must have been receiving from the outside, affection overflowing.   
  
“Yup, but I always made sure that they got what it was all about before getting it on. I’m not someone who tries to bullshit just to get something. It's too complicated.” Hoseok placed another kiss against his skin. Hyungwon laughed out loud. 

“I know, Hoseok, I know. You just say whatever you think and make sure everything is clear, I love it.” Finishing the last letter, he turned around, feeling productive and placing a kiss on Hoseok’s cheek in return. “Do you think you could get me something from my room? We should have some more colorful paper and I wanted to make some rainbow decorations for the kitchen to freak out everyone who isn’t gay. There should be some in one of the cupboards.”   
  
“Sure, on my way.” The blonde disappeared in the room.

Hyungwon grabbed the red stars that Hoseok had cut out and placed them on the shelves and floors as pretty decorations. That’s when he realized he should have specified the cupboard further. Fuck.

“Ehm, Hoseok?” he called after him, but the silence was suspicious. 

_ Oh fuck. _

He basically ran to his room like a crazy fuck.   
  
“Wow, that looks like this sick cupboard in that one bad movie, what was it? Fifty shades of grey?” Hoseok stood in front of his sex toy heaven and inspected the contents.

“Do you even know what half of that is?” Hyungwon asked and hugged Hoseok from behind, impossibly scared that the other man would be freaked out. However, somehow the pianist was really good at dealing with weird shit, just staring as if he was genuinely curious.   
  
“I don’t know and I also don’t think asking will help me out here. You can show me next time.” The blonde chuckled and reached behind himself to stroke Hyungwon’s thigh.   


Shit, where was cute Hoseok? Who killed him?

_ Maybe you did, Hyungwon. _

He just hummed in agreement, trying hard not to imagine Hoseok in combination with half of the content of his cupboard. Shit, he wanted Hoseok to cuff him to the headboard and fuck him senseless. The other had seemed so hesitant when it had been his own hands so maybe the cuffs would make it easier. Hyungwon could take some fluffy ones to make it less bruising if the pianist preferred it that way.

“Why are you like this to me? I can’t get hard while doing birthday decorations, how fucking weird is that? You were supposed to get paper and not fill my brain with images of you fucking the living daylights out of me. Asshole. My asshole. Fuck my life.”    
  
“I’m not the one with the sexshop cupboard. Had I known that, I would’ve used another metaphor. I can't remember the last time I touched you.” Hoseok turned around and caught his gaze. “Bullshit, I can remember every touch, but it was really long ago, wasn’t it? I missed you.” 

He was right. The last two weeks had been hell and Hyungwon wasn’t willing to admit how often he had played around, thinking about Hoseok while the other man had been busy with a performance or some irrelevant interview.

“It was exactly 15 days and I basically touched myself every second day thinking of you because I tend to be rather horny on a daily basis. Hi.” So much to not being willing to admit it. Hyungwon had interrupted the singer while he was nailing a woman, of course he had no shame.   
  
Hoseok curled his arms around him, pressing him closer to his chest and placed short kisses on his jaw.    
  
“My sexuality kind of got stuck when I met you, so I can’t think about anything else. You’re filling out my thoughts and my blood and all the good shit.” He chuckled at his own attempt to sound like Hyungwon, which wasn’t very successful because it was still very soft. Hoseok had a long way to go still, but it was okay. They would get there eventually.

“Funny, considering that I’m not even your boyfriend.”

_ Shit. Hyungwon, what’s wrong with you? Don’t just throw that out there. What if you push too much on him? What if he wanted to keep it simple and you just released all of that on him like a fucking tsunami? _ _   
_ __   
“Why not?” Hoseok got serious all of a sudden, thinking about something hard, brows furrowing and chewing on his lip. “I’m really not a fan of labelling people to be honest. If I would say boyfriend, it would sound so simple, so easy, like everybody could be my boyfriend, but that’s not it. You’re so special to me, I don’t even know how to explain it. You’re my piano.” He smiled while closing his eyes a little longer than appropriate. “Or you could say boyfriend if you want to.”

Hyungwon almost choked on the outburst of emotions that took place without his consent in his chest, knees feeling weak and fearing that he would hit his head and wake up and Hoseok would still be standing there, wondering what the actual fuck he heard that made him pass out. Shit, Hoseok wanted to date him and just believed that dating itself was too fucking weak of a concept to express the way he felt about him. What did Hyungwon even do to deserve all that? He did nothing. Absolutely nothing except for constantly doubting Hoseok and not believing him. 

Whatever the pianist saw in him, Hyungwon was afraid that it wasn’t actually there.

Still he smiled brightly and kissed Hoseok as if his life depended on it, licking over his lips and squeezing him tightly in his arms, hoping that if he did that for long enough their bodies could just melt and he wouldn’t have to perceive himself as a separate entity anymore. He didn’t want to.

“I want to be your boyfriend, Hoseok. Things like that matter a lot for the definition of relationships. If you don’t settle it people don’t know how to behave. I thought you’d just play until it’s boring and do whatever.”   
  
Something changed in Hoseok’s expression, eyes becoming strangely serious although the smile was still in place.   
  
“I want to be, if it matters to you. You might think that I’ll play because you don’t know. I’ll tell you when you’re drunk, the perception might be better.” His fingers raked through Hyungwon’s black hair. 

“I’m happy,” Hyungwon answered simply. He was, he really was. He had wanted Hoseok to be his and now he was. Hyungwon didn’t know for how long, but he was ready to take everything he could get, make Hoseok happy and listen to him play piano for eternity. “And now let’s make those gay as fuck rainbow flags.”   
  
_

 

The party was about to be huge, Hyungwon knew that Minhyuk was a social butterfly, but the amount of people that kept ringing the bell and entering his apartment was difficult to count. A few girls were also there, mostly some colleagues of Minhyuk who were probably terrified by the amount of gay and bad influence the pretty boy hid under his thick layer of love for children. Hyungwon had long given up on being the one to open the door and just built a very intimate friendship with a bottle of tequila in the kitchen. It was the least crowded place and still had enough air to stay sane. As sane as one could be at a party full with university students, kindergarten workers and musicians.

Hyungwon kept wondering how Hoseok dealt with everything, having kissing boys and random make-out sessions all over their couch. Of course everything was accompanied by a healthy (not) amount of alcohol, so maybe that numbed the weirdness. Hyungwon was sitting in the kitchen, wondering where his love had disappeared to and sipping on something that should have been tequila, but with the other stuff that Minhyuk mixed in, it could have been anything at that point.

A dimpled smile greeted him, Jooheon sitting down across from him.

“Hi Hyungwon, how is it with the new flatmate?” the rapper asked, looking like he got much more sleep now that he moved out. Maybe it had really been for the best, Hyungwon wouldn’t have realized that Hoseok was a wonderful human being otherwise.

“Fucking amazing. He’s definitely better at satisfying my needs that you were,” Hyungwon replied with a teasing smirk, taking Jooheon’s chin in his right hand and getting dangerously close, probably because he had enough tequila to not give a shit anymore.

“Are you fucking your flatmate, Hyungwon?” Jooheon asked carefully, butt slowly sliding backwards on his chair. Hyungwon already wanted to pinch his cheek but Hoseok’s beautiful blonde hair appeared at the corner of his eye and his brain switched attention almost instantly. He felt even happier that he wouldn’t have to be alone anymore and could just curl up in the pianist’s lap or ask him to fuck his brains out. Both sounded tempting.

Placing a kiss on Jooheon’s cheek he let go of the other man’s chin and grinned shamelessly.

“Nope, I’m fucking my boyfriend, you imbecile.” Feeling like he won a fight that wasn’t even there, he looked over to Hoseok, wanting to see his reaction and smiling like a dork. When he was drunk there were two moods. Either he was fucking happy about nothing or he did weird shit that he regretted afterwards. Luckily, he was still in the first phase.   
  
“You okay? Minhyuk told me you deepthroated a bottle of tequila because you wanted to show off?” Hoseok came closer looking a little worried.   
  
“Yup, want me to show off in person?” Hyungwon asked and licked over his lips for effect, moving his hands over the table like claws, pretending to leave marks. Someone groaned on the side, probably Jooheon.    
  
“I want you to come here.” Hoseok closed the distance and curled strong arms around him. Hyungwon didn’t give a shit and just circled all limbs that he had available, and that at least remotely moved according to his instructions, around Hoseok’s body. Closing his eyes, he breathed in the heavy scent of chocolate that filled his nose, licking over Hoseok’s ear in the process.

“I’m all yours to bring wherever the fuck you want me, babe.” His eyes opened a little, revealing someone small and sweet talking to Jooheon. 

“Oh, I think Shorty is here,” he murmured into Hoseok’s ear and pointed at Changkyun, hoping that his finger did it right while melting in Hoseok’s strong arms. He didn't give a shit about anything except for the fact that he wanted to be alone with the blonde beauty, preferably also without clothes. “But I don’t give a shit ‘cause you should be fucking me in your bed by now instead of socializing.”   
  
Hoseok placed a soft kiss against his cheek before turning around and waving at his friend, whose face looked super funny, expression gliding into nirvana.    
  
“You’d probably fall asleep after five minutes, you’re cute when you’re drunk.” 

Hyungwon wanted to laugh out loud at the words, point out that he was only cute until he ended up alone in a bedroom. A place where he didn’t have to socialize anymore and could easily speak with his body instead. However, Hoseok had enough time to find that out by himself. For now Hyungwon was just going to be in the other man’s arms and enjoy until he could finally jump him.

“Sure, just hurry up and let’s get to bed, boy.”   
  
Hoseok started laughing and stroked his head as if he was a little kid, so naive.   
  
“Is it your first time in this apartment? The acoustics are no fucking joke, if there is even one person here, this person will get every fucking moan into his ear.” 

“Do you know somebody who cares?” Hyungwon looked around demonstratively, as well as he could while still burying his head in Hoseok’s neck. “I don’t. Trust me, I had sex at parties often enough, the music does it’s job, so shut up and fuck me, Hoseok.”   
  
Hoseok waved at his friend again while walking past him. Shorty’s face still resembled pure terror. Hoseok slipped into his room, which was further away, closed the door and turned the lock.    
  
“If you think I didn’t imagine the Kamasutra for dummies while looking at you the whole evening, then you’re fucking wrong.” Hoseok caught his bottom lip with his teeth before licking over it slowly, warm tongue leaving a wet trace. Hyungwon smirked, eyes dark and fingers tingling at the thought of all those things he wanted to do to Hoseok. Shit, the list was endless.

“Why for dummies when you can go through the real thing, babe? If you only knew all those things I want to do to your sexy body. Shit.” Hyungwon tightened his arms around the blonde’s neck to lift himself a little higher, licking into the other man’s mouth and tasting vodka. Hoseok was not a lightweight apparently, going all out himself. “Get fucking naked while I’m still patient.”   
  
His boyfriend's muscular arms worked perfectly, and fast as soon as he let Hyungwon down, getting rid of the t-shirt and the pants in high speed until Hoseok was utterly naked and closed the distance, licking over his earlobe and breathing hot air against his neck. Hyungwon smirked, letting Hoseok have his way before he sank to his knees suddenly, loving the fact that he could fit more of the beautiful man’s dick into his mouth when it wasn’t as rock hard as it usually was. So he didn’t hesitate long before moving down, hand holding it in place and letting it hit his throat immediately, not giving himself much time to adjust on purpose, tears burning in his eyes.   
  
“Oh god, Won. Oh my fucking god.” Hoseok was right where he wanted to have him, overwhelmed, hard and absolutely helpless. Letting his erection slip out of his mouth for a few seconds, he looked up, opening his mouth slightly and keeping his gaze dark, just like he knew it had the best effect.

“You’ll be a good boy for me, won’t you?” he whispered, lips barely moving and hands slipping slowly over Hoseok’s thighs, close to his dick but not quite there. As he waited for the pianist to reply, he finally circled the fingers of his right hand around it and let the other man’s dick swipe over his bottom lip before licking over the tip, eyes still focused on the beautiful, blonde man.   
  
“I’m all yours.” Hoseok smiled down at him, irregular breathing giving him out. 

“Good. Slap me, Hoseok.”   
  
The pianist stared. He kept looking for something in the expression on Hyungwon’s face, but probably didn’t find it. Hoseok kneeled down across from him and kept looking at his eyes and lips, a hand reaching for his cheek and stroking it lightly instead of what Hyungwon had asked him to.   
  
“Don’t think I’m good boy enough for this though.” His low voice sounded very determined. Hyungwon frowned, turning his face away from the touch.

_ Liar. _

“Are you still convincing yourself that you prefer to be nice to me? Aren’t you aware that it’ll get boring for you? How often can you stroke my cheek until you realize it doesn’t fucking do it for you anymore? Did you mind when my back was scratched? You didn’t, because it felt fucking good. Don’t lie to yourself thinking you’re a fucking angel.” Hyungwon’s blood was boiling but he wasn’t quite sure why, maybe it was just his body trying to make the alcohol evaporate with the frustration.   
  
Hoseok looked in thought, hand resting on his thigh, instead of Hyungwon’s face. A couple of seconds passed before he started speaking again.  
  
“I don’t have to convince myself and I did mind that your back was scratched, but it was too late, so I couldn’t have done anything. I’m not an angel at all and I don’t want to be one either. I just don't want to hurt you.” The blonde spoke calmly, not frustrated or devastated. The absolute opposite to how Hyungwon was feeling. His chest and throat started burning, eyes following briefly after and frustrations threatening to spill over like a full cup of water, thin film on the top breaking just because of one fucking drop.

“You’re an angel compared to me, Hoseok. You’re not like a used toy that has been thrown away already. I don’t even understand why you would be so nice to me instead of treating me like the fucking useless piece of shit that I am. Fuck, I am disgusting, Hoseok. Why would you even…?”

The cup spilled over just like tears began running down Hyungwon’s face. Everything burned and he just wanted to fucking disappear instead of listening to Hoseok make up excuses to make him feel better. Why was he such a fucking mess when he drank? Hoseok should have just hurt him like he asked him to, bruise him, do something that would stay for longer than a night, so that he could remember it in case it would disappear.   
  
Warm arms curled around his waist and Hoseok pulled him up before lying down on the bed and taking him along. They lay across from each other and the other’s beautiful eyes didn’t avert their gaze even once.   
  
“Used toy? I think it’s not about being a used toy. I think it’s about that piece of shit and the way he somehow managed to make you believe bullshit like this. I had this book, Dostoevsky's ‘Idiot’. It was so old and used but it was the best fucking book I’ve ever read, better than any of the modern printed shit. You're not disgusting.” It was such a contrast, Hyungwon fully dressed and crying and Hoseok absolutely naked, calm and in thought. 

“I wanted to tell you something when you’re drunk, remember? I don’t know whether it’s a good idea to do it now, but I’ll still try.” Hoseok kissed his nose softly before continuing. His naked skin was everywhere, burning against his body. “When the orchestra plays, there has to be a maestro, the conductor. He swings the baton and the instruments know how to play and when to stop. I’m pretty sure you are the maestro and I’m a little violin. I’ll play as long as you want to swing the baton, and you will leave as soon as you consider the piece to be over.” Hot lips brushed over his cheek. “But I’d never blame the maestro for leaving, because he knows best when the piece is over, you know. He decides.” 

Hyungwon's body froze, tears flowing but sobbing stopping as suddenly as it had begun. Hoseok’s facial expressions screamed honesty. He really believed every word himself. 

_ He thinks you're going to leave him, Hyungwon. He genuinely believes that you have the ability to fuck all your disgusting attachment and just walk out of it.  _

Hoseok didn't know him. He knew absolutely nothing about Hyungwon. The belief alone that he had the mental strength to free himself from someone bordered on obliviousness and wishful thinking. He had done it before but the consequences had been detrimental. Hoseok was too fucking nice to make him leave, but only because he thought Hyungwon was pure himself. Whatever the blonde saw and loved, it couldn't be him. It just couldn't be. Hyungwon wasn't lovable and he wasn't someone who could leave. 

_ Maybe he just loves the music he magically feels instead of you.  _

“You don't know me, Hoseok. You don't know what I can do,” he whispered, voice calm but tears still running down, eyes burning and hot.

_ He doesn't know, Hyungwon. He just didn't see what you're really like.  _

But wasn't it more pleasant to wail in the false belief? To enjoy the fact that Hoseok saw him through a white filter, all the ugliness hidden because Hyungwon had been stable enough to hide it, to appear strong and independent?

_ Just enjoy it and show him later. _

“I told you to throw everything at me. Do it. You have the feeling that I don't know you? Show me then,” Hoseok whispered before placing a kiss on his lips. 

_ You'll show him, Hyungwon. You'll show him and he'll leave you. It's what he wants, so you'll show him every fucking thing.  _

_ But not now.  _

He breathed in the heavy scent that was so Hoseok, kissing back and placing his palms on the other man’s face, unsure whether everything was really happening or he was having an alcohol induced dream. He didn't want to think anymore, just feel. He wanted to forget the anxiety that pulled at his fingertips, deep lake only a few steps away, luring him in. 

“Undress me, Hoseok,” he whispered, lips closing around the sensitive skin of Hoseok’s collarbone. 

The blonde pulled up his black shirt and pullover, fingers stroking the skin on his chest and shoulders before opening the button on the blue jeans Hyungwon was wearing and sliding them down his legs. 

“You sound a little dark today, more requiem than anything else,” Hoseok mumbled into his naked shoulder. 

Hyungwon chuckled, wiping the remaining tears away with the sleeve of his black pullover. 

“That's cause I drank and have no inhibition. It's always like that.” His voice sounded condescending and he didn't like it, lifting his arms to let Hoseok pull the pullover and t-shirt over his head. “Somehow I like that it's the requiem, the one piece Mozart wrote but couldn’t finish, believing he's writing it for his own funeral.”

A small smile crept up on Hyungwon's lips. 

“I'd also like to disappear like that, with music but in my case it better have a nice bass.”

“You want to disappear?” Hoseok asked and leaned back to look at his face. He was probably worried again, misinterpreting Hyungwon’s words.

“If you’re wondering whether I’m suicidal, no, I’m not,” Hyungwon answered simply. “I was once, but not anymore. Still I do want to disappear sometimes. Doesn’t everyone? To just close your eyes and not feel anything for a few seconds? Right now it’s the opposite though. I want to feel instead of thinking and I know that you can give me that.”

His fingers stroked over Hoseok’s cheek, along his neck and back up over his ear, mesmerized by how beautiful he was. He wanted to be closer and feel the warmth, especially now that he was naked and could feel all of it.

“I want to give you something so that you don't want to disappear, like ever.” Hot lips traced his jawline, sucking on his skin and breathing warm air against his cheek. 

“Just touch me like you are now, that's everything I need, Hoseok,” he whispered, a little overwhelmed by the intimacy and attention the pianist showered him with.    
  
Hoseok’s hand slid down and his strong fingers curled around his erection, giving it a couple of perfect strokes, body heat transcending the air between them and melting his skin.    
  
“The violin is ready to play,” the low voice whispered into his ear.

Hyungwon giggled before it turned into a full blown laugh, holding onto Hoseok’s shoulders and gasping against his skin. 

“That's the least sexy thing I ever heard but I still love you. Give it to me, babe.”   
  
Hoseok smirked while crawling down the length of the bed.   
  
“Yeah? I’ll play by myself then. Let’s see whether you’ll laugh after I’m done with you.” He took Hyungwon’s erection into his mouth, tongue licking over the sensitive spots, strong hands holding his thighs apart to have more access.

Hyungwon moaned, loud, but he hadn't been joking about the music drowning all of their moans. He could even hear the bass now, pulsing through his legs in addition to the pleasure that Hoseok added with his lips.

“Shit, Hoseok. Use your hand for what you can't fit in your mouth.”   


The blonde let Hyungwon erection slip out and reached to the left, grabbing a bottle of lube and coating his fingers. He leaned back down and sucked on the tip while pushing one digit in and curling it such that Hyungwon’s body shivered visibly. He was on fire, body ablaze from all the sensations that hit his nerves at once, electricity frying all thoughts from his mind, only Hoseok and his fingers remaining.

“Oh god, Hoseok, don't stop. Make me forget every fucking thing that isn't you. Show me how much you want me, babe,” he gasped, voice strained and hips lifting from the sheets with each thrust.

It was mind blowing, tongue moving in sync with the slide of the other’s two fingers, hitting the right spots with merciless precision. Hoseok’s low moans just added up to the sensations, sending vibrations right through his dick. Shit, Hyungwon deserved to burn in hell for believing that Hoseok was naive and didn’t know how to satisfy his lovers. Bitch, he was the best thing that ever graced Hyungwon’s cock. Hoseok added another finger as a confirmation. 

“You’re so fucking beautiful, lips around my dick,” he murmured, watching the way the blonde strands covered his lower body from the smooth movements of Hoseok’s head. His lips were red and tight, warmth numbing his senses in addition to the exploding sensation in his groin. Fuck, it was a deadly combo, but Hyungwon was drunk enough to not be close yet, body holding up a little, focusing on all the crazy shit that happened behind his eyelids.

“Hoseok, I want you to fuck me. Hard.”

Cold air hit him as Hoseok let his dick go and rolled a condom over his own erection, coating it in lube. 

“I want to feel you,” he whispered and pushed himself in slowly, observing Hyungwon’s face intently, trying to concentrate. Hoseok’s body gave him out as Hyungwon felt the other shivering against his legs from the sensation. The blonde must have fucking loved his body, voice stable but mind taking a somersault out of the window from the Brandenburg gate. Hyungwon lifted his legs, hands grabbing the headrest to be able to push back properly and smiled up at the beautiful man between his thighs.

“If you want me to melt you’ll have to take my legs again, the angle is heaven that way,” he explained and grabbed a pillow from the side to push it under his ass before returning his fingers to the headboard. “And I like it when you plow my ass, Hoseok. Makes me faint from how fucking awesome it is.”   
  
“Everything you want.” The blonde took his legs and started moving, slowly at first, but faster after a while, hands holding Hyungwon’s hips in a firm grip, observing his facial expressions and getting drunk on the moans and sensations cursing through his body. Hyungwon loved to see how he affected Hoseok, how the other man lost every sense of himself, lips parted and expression delirious. The pleasure was spiking in his own body, the fact that he wanted to see the blonde overwhelming. He wanted to see how much Hoseok loved the feeling, how he went up in flames just because of  _ him _ . Because of Hyungwon and what he was able to give.

“Kiss me,  Hoseok, please let me feel loved,” he murmured, not caring about the fact that Hoseok would have to slow down. He needed a kiss, something to warm up the constant hollowness in his chest. It kept returning whenever he lost control over his body, alcohol releasing all the thoughts he successfully kept locked inside a dark cavity in his head. “Please, make me forget.”   
  
The other man's beautiful face came closer and he lost himself in the warmth of Hoseok’s lips and tongue, the other was being so tender with him, no matter when or what he asked for.    
  
“I’ll try,” Hoseok breathed out against his lips before kissing them over and over again. Shit, Hyungwon loved him so much. He loved him so much that he didn’t even give a fuck that he didn’t hurt him. His chest already hurt enough without Hoseok distracting him from it with anything physical. The kisses were hot and sensual, tongue licking inside his mouth, lips tender. Hyungwon closed his eyes and focused on the feelings alone, the way Hoseok held his thighs, hands gentle despite fierceness in his thrusts, the way pleasure coiled inside of him, body tightening with his approaching orgasm and the way Hoseok kissed him, as if nothing else mattered.

He loved him, he really did. Hyungwon wasn’t sure whether he had loved him before, but he definitely did now. There were no doubts, not even the slightest hesitation. If a random stranger on the street would have asked him he would have screamed it in his face.

Hyungwon let go of the headboard, hands curling around Hoseok’s neck and pulling him as close as possible, orgasm eminent even without Hoseok bothering to stroke him through it.

“I’m close,” he whispered before biting down on Hoseok’s lower lip, each thrust sending a wave of bliss over him.

“Come for me, Won.” Hoseok kissed him as if his life depended on it, wet skin clashing with his, moans escaping the other man's lips. Shit. Hyungwon buried his nails into Hoseok’s back, bit down on Hoseok’s lower lip and came just like the beautiful man on top of him wanted him to. His legs shivered, giving out and the coil inside his lower body finally released, pleasing numbness filling everything. His eyes were closed but he smiled, knowing that Hoseok was probably watching him, examining his face, deciphering every facial expression.

“I love you, Hoseok. How would you like to come?” His eyes opened and he smirked, adding the teasing tone he used back when they had barely known each other. “What can I do for my baby?”

The orgasm brought his brain back just like it removed it from its black hole. He felt calm, calm enough to act properly and focus on Hoseok instead of himself. He would have enough time to think about himself in the morning, when he regretted every decision and thought about how to show Hoseok who he was dealing with. For now he just had to satisfy his lover and give him all the bliss he was capable of giving. Hoseok deserved everything. 

The other man didn't reply, remaining with the rhythm he had built up until he released himself and Hyungwon was able to let go, not reflecting on his actions. Lying in bed with the pianist he fought against the thoughts constantly threatening to return, focusing on the way Hoseok held him close, warm blanket draped over them and the fingers stroking his hair.

_ Hoseok will see. He'll see what happens when you touch a broken toy.  _

_ You get hurt. _

 

***

  
It had started. The things Minhyuk had told him about, that Hyungwon would get bored and would ask Hoseok to hurt him. He had, at the birthday party three days ago.   
  
_ He asked and you said no.  _

Nothing changed. He didn’t want to hurt him and there was no way that he would. Just that the feeling of not being enough got worse, not being able to give Hyungwon what he needed. Hoseok was looking for something, for anything to replace the pain that Hyungwon wanted to feel, or better, something that would’ve replaced the wish to be treated like shit.    
  
He had called himself useless and disgusting trash, asking Hoseok why he would want a used toy someone had thrown away. He couldn’t remember a time where it hurt so much to hear a person talk. It was the first time. It was the first time his lungs felt like bursting and his whole body tensed just from the words coming out of someone’s mouth, from Hyungwon’s mouth. Accompanied by Mozart’s requiem.   
  
It just didn’t make sense. He was perfect, fuck he was everything Hoseok had ever wanted. Hyungwon was the reason that he loved living and he was Hoseok’s music, the soundtrack to everything he did, to the life that he started loving so much.    
  
The things the other had to go through when he was nineteen, all of those terrible things Hoseok didn’t know for sure but could very well imagine, they must’ve torn him apart so much that he couldn’t forget.    
  
_ You better find something to make it better. You must offer something in return, Hoseok, you can’t just enjoy those feelings and his unconditional love while avoiding the blackness. Dive into it and make it better. _ _   
_ __   
He had wanted to do something, back at the party, to talk to Hyungwon about it, about the things he had said, but the other had fallen asleep in his arms and kept whispering. Something about not being worth anything. When he had woken up Hyungwon was already out with Minhyuk and he  barely saw him because of their contrasting schedules.    
  
It was weird. He felt as if the beautiful man avoided him on purpose. It was possible, considering the emotional outburst three days before. Hoseok was thankful for it, he wanted it, wanted to see everything. He needed to know everything to be able to come up with a solution.    
  
His phone vibrated and he picked up, thinking it was the company and not checking the name.   
  
“I think I’m traumatized.” 

It wasn’t the company.   
  
“Why would you be traumatized? Something didn’t fit to the label you carefully prepared?” Hoseok was still a little mad at Changkyun’s behaviour, although it was understandable from his point of view. Hoseok had started behaving differently, but that was just the way he felt.    
  
“I didn’t even know I would need a label like that, Hoseok. You basically ran around with Hyungwon all over your body, are you sure you’re okay? Please understand, you threw your one night stands out after two hours, hating too much aftermath and now you’re almost a bamboo tree with a fucking koala on it.” The other man didn’t seem surprised anymore, just a little sarcastic.   
  
“I like it. I like it like this,” was the only thing he answered, because it was the truth.   
  
Changkyun huffed at the other end of the line before continuing to blow out the frustration that had piled up, apparently.   
  
“And where were you after that? I searched for you but you were gone. I wanted to talk.”    
  
“I had sex. Sorry, but you can talk now, right?” It was nice that his best friend seemed to have gotten his shit together.   
  
“You...what? Oh god. Oh my god.” Wow, Changkyun seemed shocked again, but what did he expect? That Hoseok would just go around holding hands?   
  
“Don’t want to talk anymore?” he asked with a smile on his lips, amused by the fact that he had freaked the younger man out.    
  
“I do. I’m just speechless, sorry. Hoseok, do you really like him? Do you even know how to love anything apart from your piano?” Changkyun was serious all of the sudden, silence filling the line.   
  
Did he know how to love? If someone had asked him to explain how to love, he would’ve failed miserably. The only example he had was Hyungwon, if it was as simple as love.   
  
“I don’t know how to love. I’m in the process of finding that out. But you know, it’s really strange with him. When I look him in the eyes, it’s like after a breathtakingly beautiful moment of silence, the strings ease into the main theme that was there, he touches me, the beautiful piano solo unfolds like an ink painting in space, string of notes, perfectly formed and brimming with power, each note thinking for itself and tingling under my skin. Something like that.”    
  
Silence filled the acoustic space for what felt like eternity.    
  
“Uhm, I think you love him, Hoseok. Fuck. Does he know? Did you tell him?” The other spoke in a quiet timbre, picking his words carefully.   
  
“I guess, I’m pretty obvious when it comes to stuff like that. I have to take a shower before heading to the company, let’s talk later, okay? I really love you, I hope you and Lena are happy as fuck.”    
  
“I feel like my relationship is a poor excuse after your description of Hyungwon. I hate you.” Changkyun chuckled and hung up.   
  
_ You love him? But that might not be enough to make him stay with you, Hoseok.  _ _   
_ __   
_

  
  
It was already 4AM and he sat on the couch, waiting for Hyungwon to come back from his gig. He hadn't wanted to be picked up and Hoseok needed to talk. He needed to talk to the other man about everything that had happened and about the thoughts that kept disturbing him. Hoseok also had to go on a Christmas tour for two weeks and would not be able to come home during that time. He wanted to ask Hyungwon whether he wanted to visit him at the hotel for a day or two so he wouldn't be forced to miss the beautiful man for such a long time. 

Hoseok was going to talk about everything. The thought that he wasn’t enough, the thought that he didn’t know what to offer in return for all the love he had received and kept receiving, and the question how to persuade the beautiful man that he was the most precious thing on earth to him. He wasn’t afraid to talk about all of those questions at all. He wanted to be as honest as possible and try to get an honest answer or at least have a useful discussion with an outcome.

The sound of keys could be heard from the hallway, most likely Hyungwon finally returning and being unable to open the door quickly, just like almost every time. A while passed until he finally managed, a little longer than usual. However, instead of an immediate greeting or cheerful explanation of how amazing his gig was, only silence filled the apartment, quiet shuffling resembling the sound of someone taking off their shoes and a pained hiss.   
  
Hoseok stood up from the couch and walked over to the tall figure in the hallway. Hyungwon was carefully slipping his second shoe off, staring at the ground. His hand that pulled at the shoelace was strangely pale, reddish-blue marks standing out against the light skin. The way he held his body was strange too, as if he kept something inside, leaning against the wall for support. When he became aware of Hoseok’s presence he smiled slightly, lip cracked, before returning his attention to his shoelace.   
  
_ Fuck. _ _   
_ __   
The blood seemed to have dried in his veins, the sight creeping into his consciousness, thoughts connecting and heart beating furiously against his chest.   
  
“What happened?” Hoseok asked, trying to sound as calm as possible.    


“What do you think happened, Hoseok?” Hyungwon asked, bitter smile returning and finally untying the shoe. “I warned you. I did. I told you that I’m worthless, but you didn’t believe me.”   
  
Worthless? Everything hammered at his senses at once and he didn’t get one coherent thought into his head, one that would’ve explained what was going on. Staring at the bruised hands, he remembered the last time Hyungwon had come back with the wound on his head.   
  
“Tell me. Tell me what happened. Why do you look like this?” He put all his ressources into his voice, sounding low and composed, although his insides burned like a fucking hellfire.

Hyungwon got up and rested his full weight against the wall, eyes closing for a short moment, head leaning back and revealing countless of blue marks along his neck before he looked back down, staring at Hoseok.

“I had sex,” he said as if he wanted to sound confident but his voice was shaking, disturbing the melody that it was accompanying. It didn’t fit together.   
  
It felt as if someone had filled water in a balloon, and it ripped. Hoseok’s self-control ripped and his emotions flooded his veins, fire taking up his body and teeth biting down on his lip.   
  
“Why?” was the only thing he managed to press out, not able to think about an adequate reaction following the flow of his thoughts.

Hyungwon’s fingers fumbled for the buttons of his jacket, attempting to open them with difficulty. He must have been drunk, taking more than a minute to open the first two, staring at the ground instead of Hoseok’s face.

“You wanted me to show you. You said to show you what a worthless piece of shit I am. Well, now you know.”   
  
No, he didn’t. Hoseok didn’t know shit and he also didn’t understand shit. He didn’t get why Hyungwon stood in the hallway looking like someone had beaten the shit out of him, saying he had sex and that he was worthless. Hoseok walked the last steps and helped the other man with the buttons, fingers shaking and sight blurry.

“Why the fuck are you helping me instead of telling me to get out of your life? I don’t understand.” Hyungwon’s voice was absolutely emotionless, lips barely moving as if to avoid cracking his lip further, eyes cold.

_ So it's about you getting out of his life.  _   
  
“Explain to me why the fuck you look like this, Hyungwon! Tell me, so I can fucking understand what’s going on!” Hoseok was shivering, anxiety creeping up his limbs, constricting his lungs and resulting in an inhuman pain spreading through his body. 

Hyungwon sucked air into his mouth, loud enough to echo through the hallway and cut the pregnant silence that spread between them. 

“I told you. You wanted to see what kind of person I am? Now you know.” The other man paused, trying to pull the jacket off his shoulders, licking over his lip. When he finally dropped the rain-soaked fabric to the ground, he stared at Hoseok, eyes empty and dark. “A broken piece of shit, last valuable drop sucked out one and a half years ago. Why would you even bother?”

Breathing was getting hard, meaning of the words hitting his consciousness and replacing everything with burning agony and fear. 

“What did you do?” he asked, barely audibly while standing half a meter away from the black-haired man and staring into his face. The other just sighed. 

“I told you, Hoseok. I had sex, a little rough but still sex. I'm worthless, so he was ruthless, just as he was supposed to be.” Something about the way the black-haired man spoke appeared surreal, voice lacking all of the emotional cues, as if the words were read off a piece of paper.

_ He wants you to leave, Hoseok, Minhyuk said that he can't leave by himself. _

Hoseok’s legs were shaking and he couldn't find the balance as he walked over to his shoes and slipped into them, throwing his leather jacket over one arm and grabbing the backpack from the corner. 

“It's okay, Hyungwon. I told you, I can kick myself in the balls too. You don’t need to do all this for me to leave.” He tried to smile but his eyes were already wet, body giving in and skin tingling from the pain flowing through his veins and taking up all the space. He raised a hand, saying goodbye without looking back and walked out, closing the door behind himself and running down the stairs like a mental person.    


Everything felt cold, the air, the night, his body, his blood and his thoughts. He must've walked around for two or three hours already and the sun rays slid over the surface of his leather jacket slowly as he moved without a plan, without a thought and without any destination, tears not flowing anymore, just dried salty traces left on his cheeks.

Hyungwon had wanted him to leave. He had let himself be treated like this just so Hoseok would leave him. Shit, why didn't he think about this? Minhyuk had warned him before. He had told him and Hoseok had promised. He had promised to kick himself if Hyungwon didn't want to be with him anymore but he didn't realize. Until the other had to go all out to make him understand. 

_ It's your fucking fault. You should've realized he didn't want it anymore. He had bruises everywhere so you would fucking understand. _

He felt so empty. The loneliness was familiar to the one he felt before he had met, Hyungwon. It was an unwelcome guest now, making him uncomfortable and devastated. There were no thoughts, no sound and no music, he was surrounded by black, painful emptiness.

_ You wanted to see the void so badly, now you have your own to drown in.  _

Hoseok found himself in front of a brown wooden door of an old pre-world-war-two residential building, beautiful white stucco decorations gracing the facade. He spotted the familiar name on the bell and pressed the button thrice in succession. 

Changkyun’s surprised face peeked out of the apartment door, still wearing his pyjamas. 

“Hoseok, what the fuck, it's 7AM.” The other looked a little sleepy and opened the door further, inviting him to come in.

“Can I stay for two days? I'll go on tour after that anyway but I need somewhere to stay until then.” His voice didn't contain any emotion, muscles just moving and mouth opening to let out words. He felt like a shell and he was one. 

Changkyun seemed genuinely worried, the expression on his face changed, mouth corners turned downwards and his eyes were searching for clues in Hoseok’s face. 

“Sure, Lena is at her parents in the UK until Friday. Get comfortable.” His best friend walked over to the coffee machine and turned it on. 

Hoseok got rid of his shoes and jacket and walked over to the dark brown couch, sinking into the soft leather. 

“Thank you, really,” he said loud enough for the other man to hear before Changkyun came in, holding two cups of coffee in his hands and sitting down next to him.

“What happened, did you fight?” His best friend stared at his coffee cup instead of Hoseok’s face. “You also don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to,” he added barely audibly.   
  
_ Fight? Would’ve been nice. You could’ve made up then. _ _   
_ __   
His brain tried to come up with a decent explanation of what had happened and why, but the only thing that kept creeping up his consciousness was the state Hyungwon was in when he had left. He grabbed his phone and typed a WhatsApp to Minhyuk, hoping that he would read it as soon as he was up. Changkyun looked at him throughout the whole thing before a warm hand squeezed his thigh.   
  
“Did you cry, Hoseok?” The other man's hand patted his shoulder softly. It must’ve been a rhetorical question. He didn’t want to answer but his body did. The tears started flowing down like a river accompanied by uncontrolled sobs. 

It hurt, shit, it hurt so much. He couldn’t remember when he had last cried like this, not only because he was devastated or frustrated, just because it hurt so much. The pain was unbearable and strong, spreading and occupying every cell of his body. He felt a warm chest pressing against his cheek, arms curling around his shoulders and a quiet ‘shh’ coming from his best friend, who tried hard to comfort him. 

“It will be okay, bunny, it doesn’t matter what happened. Everything will be fine. You don’t have to tell me, just please don’t cry, fuck,” Changkyun’s low voice vibrated against his shoulder.

Hoseok remembered the way Hyungwon had looked at him when he knocked his head against the beautiful man’s door in desperation. How those big, slightly cold hands had cupped his face and wiped his tears away, thin arms curling around his body. He loved him. Hoseok loved him so much that going away felt like ripping his skin off, inhaling hot lava and coughing out blood. He wanted to go back. He wanted to beg in front of the door, to cry and tell him he didn’t care about anything else.   
  
_ Tell him you don’t care that he hurts himself because of you, just be that selfish person who just wants to have something no matter what it means. _ _   
_ _   
_ “I love him, fuck, I love him so much. I feel like dying.” The sobbing continued. It was so pathetic. Hyungwon was the one who sat alone at home, bruised and in pain, but Hoseok cried on his friend’s shoulder because he pitied himself so much for missing him.   
  
“It’s okay, you can love him, what’s wrong? I’m not telling you to stop okay? You can love whoever you want, I just needed time to get used to it.” Changkyun didn’t get the problem, but how could he when Hoseok just sobbed confessions instead of speaking about what happened.   
  
“I-I’m not the right person for him. I hurt him and I make him hurt himself, I left.” His voice cracked in the middle, whispering the rest into the other's warm chest. “I have to do it. I promised, but it hurts so fucking much that I feel like dying. I don’t know this, Changkyun. Why does it feel like this? Shit.” It just didn’t stop, the tears, the pain, the way his body trembled. He felt the need to hit his head against a hard surface to make it stop, but the thin arms held him in place, warm palm rubbing circles into his back.    
  
“Bunny, why are you not the right person? Nobody tells you to leave, right? Or did he tell you to? I don’t think so. He looked pretty happy with his limbs all over your body. Jooheon also told me that Hyungwon is actually a really nice guy, just a little crazy.” Changkyun chuckled.  
  
“He can’t tell me, not in words. I ask too much of him, but I can’t stop. I kept doing it although it hurt him and now I hurt him again. Why am I like this, Changkyun? You know me for so long, was I always such an asshole?” The tears stopped and he leaned back to catch the other man’s facial expression.    
  
The short man looked in thought while tilting his head to the right, chewing on his lower lip before he started speaking.   
  
“You didn’t really need other people, Hoseok. It’s always a give and take in relationships, isn’t it? It’s not quite the way you put it. It was not that you didn’t want to give, you just never took anything from anyone in the first place. Anybody but me though, you gave a lot and I love you.” The expression on the other man’s face got brighter. “I don’t think that you’re an asshole. You were always honest and straightforward about everything. People just sometimes assumed you didn’t mean it, but it’s not your problem, it’s theirs. Don’t be sad okay? You will figure it out.” Changkyun smiled softly and pulled him into a hug, squishing Hoseok’s upper body as hard as he could.    
  
__ You didn’t need people, Hoseok. You didn’t. 

_ Until now.  _

_ Now you don’t know how to live without him. _ _   
_ __   
_

  
  
The silence was calming after the loud music and cheering, masses of people, mouths talking and eyes staring at his face, his body, as if he was some kind of statue in a museum or a prostitute in the Amsterdam red light district. The hotel room felt empty, uncomfortable and quiet, just like him.   


He didn’t bring a girl this evening. He hadn’t drunk enough and he wasn’t sure it was necessary.    
  
_ Don’t act as if you can feel anything, don’t shit yourself, Hoseok _ .   
  
He was tired from the night before, and the night before, and the night before. He was on tour for almost a week already and there was another week before he could go back home. 

What home? He didn’t know and he couldn’t bring himself to think about it. It just hurt, everything just hurt. His piano was there, Hyungwon was there, the two reasons to live, left behind.   
  
_ You deserve neither. You deserve to hang in the air, drunk, and unable to feel anything. You don’t deserve to feel anything, even pain is too good for you. _ _   
_ __   
He hated himself, everything about himself. He hated his singing, the words that came out of his mouth when he was talking to people, the way he moved his body, the way he fucked those women, like a machine, not feeling anything but disgust towards himself and pity for the other person. He knew where to lay and how to move his body, it was all the same. Everything was the same, he felt nothing. 

He drank almost every day, the prominent self hate turning into blurry self hate mixed with self pity, tears rolling down his cheeks while he sat on the floor and hit his head against the wall to make it stop but it didn’t help. Nothing helped. His phone lay on the table for a week already, it showed missed calls and texts, but he didn’t care.   
  
_ Isn’t it nice to not give a shit anymore, Hoseok? To feel nothing? To think nothing? _ _   
_ _   
_ It ate his insides. The problem was that he knew it could have been different. He knew how it felt like when Hyungwon was there, when those beautiful long fingers stroked his head and slid down his chest and shoulders, how it felt like when those lips made him feel music, and even if they didn’t, he could still remember every sensation and every tiny little touch, the way his skin started burning when Hyungwon’s big brown eyes moved up and down, examining him.    
  
_ You thought you were the shit, but you’re nothing without him. You forced him to show everything although he didn’t want to, so you should fucking eat what you ordered and choke on it.  _ _   
_ _   
_ He fell asleep at night and hoped not to stand up again, but the morning came and he did. He woke up, showered and went to rehearsal, he performed, he drank, he had sex, he fell asleep and he stood up again.   
  
One night he had felt weak, so weak he wanted to call the beautiful man, to look at the missed texts and calls, to tell Hyungwon that he was sorry, for everything, to tell him that he didn’t care about the void or anything else, that he just wanted him, Hyungwon, the black hair and those brown eyes, the low vibrating voice telling him he was his sweetheart. Hoseok wanted to cry about how much he missed his long fingers that cupped his cheeks and his lips that felt so soft against his skin, long limbs curling around him and thin body pressing so desperately against his chest.    
  
He took his phone and wanted to unlock it, thinking about how much he loved Hyungwon, that he had made his life so beautiful and full of happiness and how scared he was now, how terrifying it was to be alone. Hoseok threw it against the wall. The battery flew out and he let it lay there.   
  
_ Deal with it, Hoseok, it’s your fault, so deal with it. _ _   
_ _   
_ It was empty, his void spread out everywhere and occupied every single thought, drowning it in massive blackness and not spitting it out. He didn’t even think about music or composing, he didn’t think about playing piano. Hoseok didn’t know whether there was an opposite word for loneliness, but if there was, it must’ve been something similar to Hyungwon.    
  
_ You need him more than you need music. _ __   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congratulations for reading through the heaviest chapter of the fic. It will get less depressing in the progress, but it was important for us to show the way self-destructive thoughts and conclusions can lead to a behaviour and destroy the built up relationships around a person, especially if the one doesn't know alternative behavioral patterns. 
> 
> Music Rec's:  
> Amy Winehouse - Back to black.  
> Mozart - Requiem  
> Ludwig van Beethoven - Silence
> 
> You can message us on Twitter if you have something personal to talk about or if you have something to share.  
> We are @Smut_Hemingway and @Hichanchen.
> 
> Next update will come on 28th January at 4PM CET.


	15. 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I'm sorry but I don't think this discussion will lead to anything. You thought I was in love with a shell? Amazing. So be it. I told you I don't want to hurt you, you hurt yourself. That's the level of complexity my brain can take.”
> 
> The start of this chapter is also very hard to read, but it will get better in the end.

A drop of blood hit the white tiles, contrasting with the clean, pure color, daubing it. Hyungwon was in the process of putting his clothes back on, struggling not to collapse and just remain motionless on the ground, probably bleeding to death like in a fucking horror movie. But he couldn’t just faint on another guy’s bathroom floor. He had already extended his stay beyond comfort, wanting nothing more than to get home and stop thinking. His brain was aching enough to stop a majority of the destructive thoughts, most of them already having translated into actions, but the alcohol fucked his coordination, movements so much harder than they would have been usually.

_ Maybe you shouldn’t have gotten drunk in addition to getting abused? Then you would probably be able to move right now, Hyungwon. _

Sure, drinking had seemed like a good idea. The knowledge that Hoseok didn’t see the real him, that the beautiful pianist just had a haggard view of him, like trying disgusting food after a week of hunger and considering it superior, had poisoned his every waking hour the past three days. Hoseok just didn't know what he was dealing with, so of course he loved him. Hyungwon had to show him. How else would he know without regret, especially after having invested so much energy in the end?

Hoseok just hadn’t seen it. He hadn't seen Hyungwon at his worst, body broken like a toy, unwilling to do anything about it and letting it happen like the weak link in a chain. No matter how strong every other link was, once pressure was placed on the weakest one, it was going to rip like a thin thread. Every fucking time. Hyungwon’s worthlessness was like that. No matter how much he prided himself in his DJ’ing and the fact that he had things he felt confident in, as soon as he found someone who shared his affection the ugliness came out, ripping everything that he had built up so carefully and with so much strength into tiny broken pieces.

_ It’s like the drop of blood on the white tiles, tainting everything like a pest. If you try to wipe it away it just spreads further, creating a thin film you can’t erase. _

He smiled bitterly to himself, finally closing the jeans on his hips. The fabric was rough on his legs and hurt, but he had no choice. He had to get home. Somehow.

Battling the pain in his legs he got up from the floor, hand wiping carelessly over the blood stain, smearing it over the tile and feeling strangely satisfied with the way it covered most of it, red fading to make room for a rose color. It looked almost innocent.

When he sat in the taxi, driver throwing him uncomfortable looks at every traffic light, he felt sure that the punch to his face must have left a permanent mark, probably a split lip if not more. Hoseok wouldn’t even have to look long before he would see that something had happened.

_ You’ll have to explain less, Hyungwon. He will immediately see your weakness, all of it. He’ll see how much you were used and decide whether that’s someone he would want to be with. _

He swallowed his own spit, throat painfully dry and chest constricting even without any change in the air. Hoseok was going to leave. Either he was going to leave or he would decide that treating Hyungwon the way he had been treated was deserved and do the same. 

_ You want him to do the last, even if it hurts. Because that means he would stay. He would stay and you want him to stay. _

When he finally walked through the door, his heart was thumping in his chest, fear and panic merging on the inside and only leaving an emotionless shell. The way he slid down the wall, barely holding his body up to untie his shoes, didn’t evoke any expression on his face except for a sound of pain. He hadn’t wanted to be so obvious but it was difficult when every limb and every movement hurt. He had really outdone himself this time.

_ Be proud of yourself, Hyungwon. Your self-destructiveness has reached a whole new level. Alcohol and pain are such a beautiful combination. _

The steps in the hallway got his attention, Hoseok’s voice resounding in the silence, voice calm but his eyes were telling different story.

_ He saw. _

“What do you think happened?” he asked back. It was a stupid question. The other man had already seen the bruises, there was no other possibility judging by the way he stared at Hyungwon’s face, cracked lip gaining attention just like the blue rope marks around his wrists. He couldn't hide the bitter smile that spread over his lips. Hoseok wanted to hear it although he knew it all.

Answering without eye contact was easier so he returned his attention to his shoe lace.

“I warned you. I did. I told you that I’m worthless, but you didn’t believe me,” he said, tone emotionless and chest feeling deadly empty, even the constricting pain had disappeared. It was almost like relief washing over him, body void of everything apart from the burning in his lower body and legs and the taste of blood lingering in his mouth.

Still Hoseok asked again, requested him to tell him what happened. What did he want to hear? Wasn’t it clear why he looked the way he did? Broken and beaten? 

“I had sex,” he answered after fighting the pain in his legs and taking a deep breath, body completely resting against the wall and shoes finally untied. He hadn’t been able to hide the shiver in his voice, anxiety slowly returning and fear of the consequences crawling up inside of his stomach. He stared at Hoseok, watching how his eyes widened, focusing on Hyungwon’s neck and traveling all over his body, as if trying to assess the damage.

_ He hasn’t seen you naked yet, has he? _   
  
Hoseok bit down on his lip, visibly fighting with himself, unsure about how to act.   
  
“Why?”

Hyungwon hated himself for drinking too much, fingers struggling with the buttons of his jacket, unable to open them despite repeated efforts. He didn’t answer until he managed to open the first two, hands tired and resting at his sides while he tried to breathe.

“You wanted me to show you. You said to show you what a worthless piece of shit I am. Well, now you know,” he replied, not understanding why Hoseok needed to ask all of this. Wasn’t it sufficient to see him and make a decision? It should have been simple to just decide that he didn’t want to deal with someone like this, someone as broken and destructive as Hyungwon was.

Instead of answering or telling him he was disgusting as the pianist should have his hands stretched out towards him, easing the last few buttons out of their restraints, fingers shaking uncontrollably.

“Why the fuck are you helping me instead of telling me to get out of your life? I don’t understand.” It made absolutely no sense. Why did Hoseok look as if he was in pain instead of the obvious disgust or pleasure at his state that should have been there? Hyungwon couldn’t comprehend it. He couldn’t comprehend anything, body throbbing in pain and screaming at him to let himself fall beyond the realms of consciousness.  
  
“Explain to me why the fuck you look like this, Hyungwon, tell me, so can can fucking understand what’s going on!” The other man was shivering visibly now, not only his hands but his whole body, brown eyes, widened in panic, didn’t leave Hyungwon’s.

Why was Hoseok someone like that? Why did he need every painful thing put into words and handed to him on a plate? Hyungwon sucked in a deep breath, collecting himself to not show how affected he was by the other’s display of emotions. He had expected clear rejection, not the worry and fear that he could find in the other man’s facial features.

“I told you. You wanted to see what kind of person I am? Now you know.” Hyungwon took another deep breath, dropping his rain-soaked jacket to the ground, short pain moving up from his groin to his chest. “A broken piece of shit, last valuable drop sucked out one and a half years ago. Why would you even bother?”

Hoseok just didn’t understand, staring and asking the same questions over and over again, voice nothing more than a whisper. Hyungwon couldn’t help but sigh, repeating the facts. Maybe he had to mention his abuser for Hoseok to understand what a worthless fuck he was.

“I told you, Hoseok. I had sex, a little rough but still sex. I'm worthless, so he was ruthless, just as he was supposed to.”

_ He’ll abandon you, Hyungwon. He will. Just like you deserve. _

It felt like a hallucination when Hoseok finally walked over to his shoes, slipping them over his feet and throwing his leather jacket over one arm, the same one he had lent Hyungwon back when he had picked him up from the gig and they kissed in the middle of the street, not caring about anything.

_ He’s leaving, Hyungwon. He finally realized. _

The relief he had expected to feel didn’t come. The burning in his groin intensified, turning into blazing fire that fused his organs, agony spreading to his chest and shoulders. He couldn’t breathe, panic hitting him full force, unable to say anything.

“It's okay, Hyungwon. I told you, I can kick myself in the balls too. You don’t need to do all this for me to leave,” Hoseok whispered, stretching out his hand as a goodbye without looking at him and leaving, closing the door behind him with a dull sound.

Hyungwon fell apart, body hitting the floor and pain shooting through his limbs, but it wasn't comparable. It wasn’t fucking comparable to the way his chest hurt, panic attack leaving room for fear and anxiety, the understanding what he had done slowly sinking in through his alcohol hazed brain.

_ Hoseok didn’t leave because he thinks you are disgusting. He left because he thinks you did it for him. _

Hyungwon had promised him that he would tell him if he didn’t like something and Hoseok just assumed that Hyungwon wanted him to leave, unable to tell him himself.

_ He left because he likes you and thinks you don’t want him. _

The inability to breathe returned, lungs burning and air entering his mouth in quick intervals. His right hand lifted to stop himself from hyperventilating, remembering the exercise he had been taught. Holding his mouth closed and breathing in slowly he held the air for eight seconds before breathing it out for another eight. Repeating the process removed the burning in his lungs but not in his chest. The amount to which he had ruined his own life in addition to Hoseok’s was beyond his comprehension. The physical pain was nothing now. 

_ You slept with another man to make him see that you’re not worth it and he thinks you did it to make him leave. How can he constantly see you as something precious no matter what you do? _

His fingers were shivering, pain in his groin returning as soon as he tried to move, crawling over the floor of the hallway to get to the living room, throw himself on a soft surface and not have to be paralyzed by the physical ache anymore. He had to do something about his injuries, quickly, so he could forget about them and fall into anxiety and mental pain without worrying for his safety. He was worthless but he was also too much of a coward to die.

Grabbing the edge of the couch with his fingers, he pulled himself up, sinking into the pillows and releasing a sigh of relief at the way the throbbing faded. His right hand fumbled around in his pocket. He needed his phone. He couldn’t call Minhyuk because he would panic but he needed someone who could take care of his injuries. Someone who wouldn’t ask to many question but kept Hyungwon from losing his fucking mind.

_ Jooheon _ .

The rough voice of the other man hummed into the phone, not even asking why Hyungwon would call him at almost 5AM. Somehow the rapper had a sixth sense when it came to situations like that. The two of them had lived together since Hyungwon had arrived in Berlin, so Jooheon had seen Hyungwon at his worst.

“I need you,” Hyungwon breathed into the phone, voice still rough and mouth tasting like a mixture of bile and blood. It was just a matter of time until the salty taste of tears would join the party.

Another affirmative hum resounded on the other end and Hyungwon could hear the creaking of a bed, followed by steps. After a few more seconds of silence the rapper finally answered.

“I’ll be there in 15 minutes, Hyungwon. Just stay where you are.”

Hyungwon smiled, ending the call and closing his eyes, blood rushing loudly in his ears and calming him down a little. He had to take care of his body and then he would take care of his mind. An ill mind could live in a healthy body but as soon as the body died the mind could be as stable and beautiful as it wanted to be, to no avail.

He didn’t know what time it was and he also didn’t care. The dull ache in his body and the sound of rushing blood in his ears was enough to almost fall asleep, eyes only opening when he heard steps in the living room.

“Good that you still hide the spare key under that dead cactus,” Jooheon said with a smile and walked towards Hyungwon, stopping right in front of him and observing his sitting form. After examining him for a few seconds he nodded. “Don’t judge me in case my mouth smells like a public toilet. I just chewed gum to save some time.”

The rapper disappeared in the kitchen before returning with several items from the medical kit. Hyungwon already felt relief flooding his body at the mere sight of the cooling painkiller cream. Jooheon didn’t say anything else before he took some rash cream and applied it to his split lip, carefully dabbing the area. Hyungwon just kept his lips parted, improving the working conditions for the other man and keeping quiet. There was something calm about Jooheon taking care of him. No matter how little they actually hung out independent of living together, the rapper had still seen him at his worst and never asked questions. He just did everything that was necessary and left the talking to Hyungwon if he wanted to.

After finishing with the lip Jooheon easily grabbed Hyungwon’s button-down and pulled it over his head, throwing it to the other side of the couch.

“Good that your head is so small,” he commented with a smile. “Couldn’t be stuffed slowly unbuttoning your shirt right now.”

Hyungwon’s mouth spread in a small smile, eyes closing as cool spray hit his skin.

“If this gets infected you have to make sure someone is there for aftercare, okay?”

Again he just nodded and turned around when Jooheon asked him to, wet cloth moving over his back and removing the excess blood he had from some pretty nasty whip lashes. It wasn’t anything permanent and wouldn’t stay if treated well enough, at least not forever, but it did hurt like a bitch. As usually the rapper didn’t comment on it, silently treating the wounds after cleaning them, rubbing cream into the skin and placing patches on the bigger ones.

“Minhyuk will have to change those after a while, so you should contact him later,” Jooheon murmured as he opened Hyungwon’s jeans, pulling them down his legs. It was amazing how whenever the rapper touched him the actions had no sexual connotation at all, not even in the slightest. They weren't even close friends. Jooheon had never told him about his own issues, but if something happened to the other man Hyungwon consoled him and received the same calm and collected treatment himself. Maybe their relationship was based on mutual benefit or Hyungwon’s silence from the first years of his destructive relationship had built up the distance between them.

“Thank you,” he murmured, watching how Jooheon washed his legs the same way he had washed his back, kneeling on the ground and cleaning out the cloth in a a small bowl with water. The other man seemed focused, not scared or uncomfortable because of seeing the bruises on his legs, probably because he was used to it. 

Jooheon nodded as a sign that he heard the acknowledgment.

“Has he been rough with you in general?” he asked, looking up to watch Hyungwon’s facial expressions, eyes as calm as they always were.

“Yeah, but I can take care of it myself. This time I’m not unconscious and on the ground. Just give me the cloth and some pain relief cream with some pain killers and bring me to bed. That should be perfect,” he replied, wanting to spare poor, straight Jooheon some of the uncomfortable stuff. With the way he handled everything he could have become a doctor, despite his crazy fear of unknown things, the dark and slimy stuff. Hyungwon was really thankful for the help, all of it.

Jooheon worked quickly and efficiently, finishing up the cleaning and smearing the cream quickly over his legs, almost a little too roughly.

“Ouch,” Hyungwon commented and pouted a little, shifting on the couch and pulling his leg partially out of Jooheon’s hold. The other man just rolled his eyes.

“If you let someone do this then you can also fucking take me squeezing your leg a little to get this damn cream on.”

Surprised at the outburst, Hyungwon just nodded and returned his leg to its position, waiting patiently for Jooheon to finish. As soon as he had placed a bandage where necessary, the rapper brought everything back to the kitchen and slid his hand below Hyungwon’s legs and behind his back to lift him up. Carrying him to his room, he sighed again.

“Thank god you’re basically weightless,” he remarked before placing him on the bed, gently. He threw the blanket in his face and left the pain relief cream on the night table in addition to a glass of water and a painkiller. 

“Make sure to call Minhyuk first thing in the morning.”

“I will,” Hyungwon replied, curving the thick blanket around him and swallowing the painkiller, lower body still burning but he would take care of that later. Jooheon smiled and turned to leave the room. “And thank you, Jooheon.”

The rapper paused and turned around, giving him a dimpled smile. 

“Just take care of yourself, Hyungwon. I like to have you around.”

_ It would have been better if you had known that Hoseok liked you around too. Before you decided to confront him with your self-destructive outburst, Hyungwon. _

_

 

Two fingers that closed his nose tightly and forced him to breathe through his mouth, ripped him from his sleep. Opening his eyes he saw Minhyuk’s face, taking up all of his visual space and resembling a mixture of worried and fucking furious. His features were scrunched up and his ears were a little red. Hyungwon was going to get a fucking speech, wasn’t he?

_ How the hell does he know that he had to come? Was it, Jooheon? _

“What the flying fuck have you been thinking, Chae Hyungwon? Are you fucking braindead? Did a whole army of gays take a fucking run on your head to result in such fucked up behaviour? I thought that we were done with this?” the other man screamed in his face, hands waving around in the air as if he wanted to shake him by the shoulders but knew it could hurt Hyungwon.

“Can I get a glass of water?” Hyungwon croaked, voice rough from sleeping and from the events of the previous night. He tried to sit up on the bed and hated himself a little bit for the combination of different hurting body parts that he was met with. Fuck, he didn’t even know he had so many body parts that could ache.

Minhyuk closed his mouth immediately and ran to the kitchen, bringing a glass of water. He watched Hyungwon drink the whole thing and forced him to swallow a pain killer right after. He didn’t say anything throughout the whole time he helped Hyungwon go to the bathroom, brush his teeth and lie down in bed. That’s when Hyungwon knew Minhyuk wasn’t fucking kidding this time. The other man was never quiet unless shit was about to go down.

“Now listen to me, darling,” Minhyuk began, voice soft and a hand placed on Hyungwon’s blanket-covered thigh. “Why the fuck would you go out and get yourself abused if you had a healthy relationship for once in your fucking life?”

Hyungwon’s whole body tensed, subconsciously moving away from the hand on his thigh, but Minhyuk was determined, holding onto him and not letting him escape, even if the hold sent an unpleasant throbbing up his spine.

“Because Hoseok loved something that wasn’t there.” It was simple, really. Hoseok was convinced that he loved him and that he was wonderful and inspired him, but the pianist had no fucking idea who he was actually dealing with, so Hyungwon had only wanted to show him what was behind everything. He had even asked for it, telling Hyungwon to show him everything, so he had.

“How do you know that?” Minhyuk asked calmly, grabbing the cup of coffee he made for himself and taking a sip before placing it on the bedside table again, right hand remaining on Hyungwon’s thigh.

“Because he kept telling me to show him everything about myself. He knew that I wasn’t showing him everything,” Hyungwon mumbled, remembering how he had kneeled in front of the beautiful man and he had asked him to show everything, to open up.

The redhead seemed in thought, probably realizing that Hyungwon was right. Hoseok had asked for it and Hyungwon had done it. Just that apparently the pianist had misunderstood in the end, thinking that Hyungwon just wanted him to leave instead of leaving on his own accord. Fuck.

“And what exactly made your tiny little head decide that he didn’t just want to know your favourite color, the things that happened in your past, what you like to eat and how you feel about various fabulous things in the world and about yourself?” Minhyuk turned away from the ground, staring right at him and lifting a corner of his mouth. He was convinced that he was right and threw his winner face at him.

“Why would he want to know all those things?” Hyungwon asked back, smiling at the thought of him misunderstanding and fucking everything up for no reason. That would have been karma at its finest.

“Because while you were DJ’ing and I met him at the club, he asked me lots of stuff about what you like and how to make you happy. I’m pretty sure he cares about stuff like that.”

_ Fuck. _

Holy fucking shit. Hyungwon had actually misunderstood him. It hadn’t been just a fun thought, it was fucking detrimental. What if Hoseok wouldn’t return because he was convinced that Hyungwon didn’t want him to? Shit, what was he supposed to do?

“I’m such a fucking idiot. I’m such a worthless piece of shit. Why can’t I do any-fucking-thing right?” he sobbed, self-control melting away at the realization that Hoseok might just look for a different apartment and try to stay away for as long as possible just so he wouldn’t have to meet Hyungwon. He had to do something.

Minhyuk sighed, curling his arms around Hyungwon’s shoulders and pressing him to his thin frame. Hoseok would have almost squished him and it would have been amazing. Fuck, he missed him so much. He wanted to close his eyes and hear piano playing in the next room.

“You’re not worthless, Hyungwon. You just need time to get used to a normal and healthy relationship. It might seem strange and I wasn’t that supportive in the beginning, but I think Hoseok might be perfect for that. What happened?” The redhead’s pretty hands moved over Hyungwon’s hair in smooth motions.

“He saw my state, decided that it’s because I want him to leave and can’t do it myself and left. Shit, why would he think that? I fucking love him more than anything else.” Hyungwon really didn’t know where Hoseok would get that from. Who in their right mind fucked themselves over just so another person would leave them?

_ You, Hyungwon. You did it so he would leave. But because he wanted to leave after seeing you like that. Instead he left for your worthless ass, thinking you wanted him to.  _

Minhyuk’s body tensed around him, cursing something under his breath.

“I think that might be my fault, baby. Fuck, I’m sorry. I told him that you would never be able to leave him no matter what and he gave me this long speech on you needing practise and probably using other signs to make him leave. Shit, he misinterpreted you although you were just going brain berserk on him.”

So Hoseok misunderstood because of Minhyuk? Then there was still something he could do, he could contact him! He could try to talk and solve everything, say sorry for his inability to take care of himself, and maybe explain why he did it? Hoseok could also tell him what he meant by wanting Hyungwon to show him everything.

“Thank god, that means I can still do something. I need to write to him. Wait, but how do I know that he doesn’t hate me now?”

“Because he wrote to me to take care of you immediately because he left?” Minhyuk replied with a smile, brushing a stray strand away from Hyungwon’s forehead and letting him go.

_ Hoseok had enough resources to tell Minhyuk to take care of you? Fuck, how do you even deserve someone like that? He’s fucking perfect. _

“And now to the fact that you were being an utter idiot! Why the hell would you go out and get fucking raped by another guy, Hyungwon? Don’t you have any instinct of self-preservation? Did it get fucked in addition to your ass or what?” The redhead got furious in less than five seconds, eyes narrowed and voice raised.

“I drank too much, so it was worse than I anticipated. You have no idea how much my head hurts.”

“Even if you drank, there was no fucking reason for you to get treated like that. Fucking why, Hyungwon? You were so stable until recently!” Minhyuk’s anger turned into devastation, fingers removing the blanket to take a proper look at him, worst bruises still covered by the bandages Jooheon had put on for him. “I’m worried about you. I want you to be happy and not...this hurt.”

Hyungwon nodded, pulling at the blanket to cover his body again, knowing that Minhyuk wasn’t able to take it well. That’s why he had always relied on Jooheon with such situations.

“I drank and my mind just kept riding on this idea that Hoseok loved someone who isn’t me. That he wants me to show him that person that’s behind everything, so I just found this guy who kept pushing me around and pulling my hair and went along. I regret it, Minhyuk. I do.” Taking another deep breath Hyungwon prepared himself for the next words. “And I know cognitively that I didn’t deserve any of that. No one would have deserved something like that, not even me. But still I have this tiny voice in my head that tells me that I can’t have a healthy relationship, but fuck I want one. I really do.” Minhyuk's soft fingers returned to his hair, stroking over it and giving him the hot cup of coffee that he hadn’t even touched yet.

“You’ll manage, Hyungwon. It’s just going to need time and I genuinely believe that Hoseok might help you with that. Just fucking explain your way of thinking to him, show him as he wanted you to. Just don’t go out and get abused but tell him why you did it, okay?” Hyungwon nodded and took a sip from his cup of coffee, feeling much better despite the burning along his legs and lower body. “And I hope the lack of sex for the next two weeks will be enough of a punishment, you crazy bitch.”

The redhead stood up and walked through the apartment, obviously looking for something until Hyungwon heard the vacuum cleaner turning on.

He didn’t deserve such friends.

_ You do, Hyungwon, fuck, when will the thought finally engrave itself into your stupid head? _

_

 

The next two weeks were hard, but not only because Hyungwon’s body hurt like a bitch. It did and the bruises needed lots of care, forcing him to stay at home, however, Minhyuk was enough help and took care of everything physical. The organizers of the parties that he had been asked to DJ at, weren’t too fond of it, but there was nothing they could do when Hyungwon was ‘ill’. Luckily, ‘ill in the head’ qualified for a maximum of three months of holiday. He didn’t need those but it was awesome to know that they were there if he really lost his fucking mind someday.

What made the two weeks hell was the fact that no matter how many times Hyungwon had written to Hoseok or had tried to call him, the other man hadn’t replied even once or picked up the phone. There was no sign of life whatsoever and the panic that something must have happened to the other man, had only been defeated by a rather embarrassing stalker session on Google where he had found out that Hoseok was on tour, travelling from city to city and singing for teenage girls, doing the one thing he fucking hated. 

_ Great, Hyungwon. You made him leave, believing you don't want him and right after he's forced to sing bullshit he doesn't like either. You're the best boyfriend ever. _

Knowing that Hoseok wasn’t dead had been very satisfying but the fact that he didn’t want to talk to Hyungwon hurt. After the first week, the other man's phone just went out of service completely, probably turned off so Hoseok didn’t have to deal with Hyungwon’s pathetic attachment. He wanted to know how Hoseok felt about the tour, hear how he prefered to play piano, listen to him talk about his favourite piano piece and how the notes talked to each other about sophisticated topics although Hyungwon could hear none of it. His heart burned more than his body at the mere thought that he was cut out of Hoseok’s life and knew none of those things. He needed the other man more than he had anticipated.

_ It’s always like this, Hyungwon. You only know how much you love and need someone when they are gone. Just don’t give up, he’ll return for his piano, eventually. _

_ He’ll have to. _

 

***

  
  


Black and white, just like the piano keys, everything turned black and white, senses perceiving the bare minimum of information and brain running on energy saving mode. 

“Hoseok, are you sure you're not ill?” Kihyun’s voice echoed through the silence he managed to create around himself, all resources concentrated on sound inhibition, turning his surroundings into a lonely, empty auditory space. 

Hoseok just hummed in agreement. He was not ill, he was just dead on the inside. He had always wondered how that felt like, now he knew. It felt like a black and white, soundless and tasteless nothing. Hyungwon made him feel all kinds of things, even if he was not around. 

_ Be thankful for that too. Embrace it and choke on it.  _

His teeth chewed on something he didn't really recognize, all to act out a healthy breakfast intake in front of Kihyun’s eyes because the other man wasn't an idiot and realized the change in his behaviour and bodyform, considering the insane amount of weight that Hoseok had lost during those two weeks. He still sang and smiled his favourite fake smile, but his insides ate themselves, more and more with every passing day. 

He had lost music. He wasn't able to close his eyes and hear a melody anymore. He didn't feel any-fucking-thing, he didn't taste anything and he didn't hear anything but suffocating silence surrounding him and showing how empty he was. 

A pitiful excuse for a human. 

It was the last day and he was supposed to go home, back to the apartment he shared with Hyungwon. He had promised Changkyun and he felt nothing either way. What was there to be scared of? Hyungwon didn't want him and it was ok. He didn't plan on bothering him. He would just continue to live as if he wasn't there, which wasn't even a lie. He wasn't there anymore. 

“You better show some dedication. You're chewing on that stupid piece of bread for ten minutes already, Hoseok. I'm dragging you to the hospital if you don't show me that you do eat. I don't believe a fucking word.” Long eyes narrowed and stared, Kihyun was not joking around. He never did. 

“I just thought about going home, have to pack my stuff.” He grabbed another piece of bread and swallowed the mush inside his mouth. It didn't taste like anything, just like grey cloud vomit. 

He threw the clothes into his luggage carelessly and dumped the phone, case and battery on top of it. He didn't bother to turn it on. Kihyun simply drop kicked his door or had another key card and everything else was irrelevant. Hoseok slept, sleeping felt less disgusting than being awake so he had spent the past week doing exactly that every second of his free time. 

He looked into the mirror. The healthy muscular form had vanished and made room for rather thin limbs, white skin and huge brown eyes, looking unreal on his face, having lost insane amounts of weight. He looked like nothing and he felt like nothing. No dissonance, it was nice for once. 

Hoseok had been happy that Kihyun hadn't seen the blue bruises on his scalp from hitting his head against the white wall. Being short was really nice sometimes, you didn't have to look at other people's flaws. Hyungwon saw all of them, didn't he? 

_ It doesn't matter, Hoseok. Nothing does.  _

Nothing did, even when the car turned into his street at 4PM and he recognized the brown, wooden door of their building. He felt nothing when the key turned in the lock and the door opened, when he was taking off his shoes and hanging his black coat on the hook. Everything was black and white, grey and tasteless. He opened the lid of the grand piano and pressed a key. 

_ Nothing _ . 

There must've been a sound and objectively there probably was, just nothing happened, no feeling for music and no desire to play the next note. He closed the lid and walked over to his room. 

_ You lost music. Now you're the epitome of worthless. Congrats. _

His body hit the sheets, skin numb and eyes closing slowly. 

_ Just sleep, it's all the same anyway, isn't it? _

It was. 

He had stopped feeling anything and that exact fact was the only way how he was going to survive all of this. Hyungwon would come eventually, being beautiful and full of life, reminding him of how fucking much he felt when all of it was still there. The ethereal man would be confronting him with the empty shell that was left of Hoseok and he would just grace Hyungwon with the perfectly practiced fake smile, disappearing into the black and white silence and shutting everything down. 

There were no tears left anyway and they just felt like water sprayed on his face, not coming from him but a necessary bodily reaction. The grey turned into black and he fell asleep. 

_

  
  


Thin fingers stroked along his forehead, gliding down over his temple and caressing his cheeks. They lingered on his soft skin before a thumb brushed over his lower lip, stroking the skin of his chin and finally remaining on his cheek. A few long seconds passed before the thumb began drawing smooth circles over his face, hot breath caressing it in regular intervals. 

“Thank you so much for returning, Hoseok. Thank you,” a low voice whispered above him, words so close it felt like he could have tasted them if he would have wanted to. 

He opened his eyes slowly and looked at the beautiful face in front of him, black and white. Hoseok didn't move, he just watched. 

“How are you feeling? I'm sorry for waking you up but I missed you so much,” Hyungwon murmured, thumb still caressing his face tenderly and shifting a little. He was kneeling in front of the bed, upper body leaning above Hoseok and one hand resting on his chest while the other stroked his face. 

“I'm fine. Just tired.” Hoseok lifted his upper body, feeling heavy like lead and limbs just uselessly hanging around it. Hyungwon’s hand slid from his chest to his hand, grabbing it and squeezing once. 

“I need to talk to you, Hoseok. Will you listen to me without running away?” Hyungwon's eyes were huge, right in front of his face and worry as clear as day, creating creases at the bottom of his eyelids. 

_ You practiced it, Hoseok. You know exactly how it works.  _

“Sure.” His legs slid down and he stood up before walking out of his room and going for the fridge to get a bottle of water out. Food was one thing but he fainted without water. 

Hyungwon appeared in the kitchen almost immediately, glass of water in one hand and sandwich in the other. 

“You don't need to bother. I already prepared everything because you looked so…” He paused, swallowing briefly and looking Hoseok up and down. “Dead.”

_ He thinks you're dead? Well he's right, you kind of are, Hoseok.  _

“That's okay, if my hands are able to reach for water it's not too late yet.” He opened the bottle and gulped the content down in a matter of seconds, throwing the empty container in the trash.

“Could you also eat the sandwich?” Hyungwon asked. He sounded careful, as if he was moving on tiptoes but only with his voice, scared to say the wrong thing and set something off.

“I ate with Kihyun, so I'm not hungry, but you could eat it if you want to.” Hoseok looked out of the window and wondered whether it was sunny or rainy because he didn't see the fucking difference. His brain did an amazing job by shutting down every sensory perception there was.

“Just forget about it, talking is more important.” The other man placed the plate with the sandwich and the glass on the table and walked over to Hoseok, taking his hand and leading him to the living room, gesturing to sit down. He did. He just did whatever, no matter what was coming his way.  
  
“I think we misunderstood each other,” Hyungwon began carefully, hand resting on Hoseok’s thigh after he sat down next to him. “What did you mean when you asked me to show you everything of me?”

_ What did you mean, Hoseok? What did you want from him? Do you even remember? _

“I don't know. But it doesn't matter anyway.” He stared at the carpet, the fabric being thick and having random schemes drawn over it without any kind of structure, like a lake one dumped gallons of gasoline in, only colorless.

Hyungwon’s hand tightened on his thigh and he shook his head furiously, eyes wide and lips parted slightly. 

“That's not true, because you got me wrong. You thought I wanted you to leave but that's the last fucking thing that I wanted you to do, Hoseok. Who the fuck in their right mind wants someone they love to leave? I might be fucked in the head but not that badly. How the hell did you decide that I want you gone?” Hyungwon exclaimed, emotions clear on his face and upper teeth biting down on his lower lip, as if to calm himself and his words. 

_ You didn't think about that, Hoseok. But it doesn't matter, does it? _

“It's not about you wanting me to leave. It's about me being next to you obviously making you miserable in a way that you have to hurt yourself. But you don't need to do that anymore. I won't touch you and I won't bother you. I'll just act as if I'm not there. No need to think or talk about it.” Hoseok smiled his carefully prepared fake smile and looked at the bridge of the beautiful man's nose, avoiding the eyes and facial expressions. 

Something in Hyungwon's demeanour changed but Hoseok successfully avoided it by focusing on something else. The hand on his thigh disappeared and Hyungwon took a deep breath. 

“Don't you think -” He paused, taking another breath, carefulness dissipating like smoke in the wind. “Don't you think that I should have a say in this? Whether I even want you to stop touching me? Whether I want you to leave? You say that you're doing it for me but maybe you should fucking ask me too? I wanted to tell you why I did it to work on it and you just throw a fucking goodbye at me?” 

“I told you to kick me, you promised but you didn't. I realized myself and now that's the only thing my head is capable of.” Hoseok swallowed the fake smile as it was absolutely unnecessary and simply stared, hoping Hyungwon would eventually realize that there was nothing left of him anyway. 

“Look me in the fucking eyes when you talk to me, Hoseok,” Hyungwon exclaimed, hand reaching for his chin to lift it a bit higher and face coming closer, trying to establish eye contact. He looked angry. “You're talking bullshit. If you would have done something that I wasn't comfortable with I would have fucking told you, but you didn't. You were only nice to me, so fucking nice that I began thinking that you just created this happy-go-lucky picture of me that's actually fake. It fucked with my head so much that when I drank I was convinced that you're not in love with me but with a fucking shell that I need to break. And that's what I tried to do, but I'm fucking stupid, Hoseok. Why are you acting on my stupidity and leaving me?”

_ Now he wants you to look him in the eyes. Maybe he wants to see your void too. _

Hoseok chuckled, but it sounded empty. Acting was definitely not his strong point. 

“I'm sorry but I don't think this discussion will lead to anything. You thought I was in love with a shell? Amazing. So be it. I told you I don't want to hurt you, you hurt yourself. That's the level of complexity my brain can take.” His eyes rested on the slightly blushed cheek, just painting strange grey shades on the black and white Hyungwon was coloured in. Suddenly the colour was interrupted, reflections mixing in, a drop of water running down the other man's cheek.

“You don't love me anymore, do you?” Hyungwon asked. His voice was barely there, even a whisper would have been too harsh to describe the sound that left his lips. It fit a soft exhale, like the breath that slipped through your lips right before you fell asleep. The single drop was quickly joined by others, splitting the shadows on his cheeks.

He felt his own salty water running down his cheeks, some spot in his body hurting continuously. His hand wiped the tear before talking.

“I don't feel anything, Hyungwon. I don't taste and I don't see anything and most importantly I don't even hear anything. There's only silence, everything is silence and tasteless, dampened grey. Why would you cry? Just laugh at me and move on, why are you like this?” He didn't mean to say anything but it also didn't make any difference, nothing did. 

Hyungwon brushed his warm fingers over Hoseok’s cheek, removing the salty remains before he spoke. His expression seemed unreadable, hurt definitely present, but a small smile was on his lips, unfitting to the tears and the look in his eyes. 

“Because I love you, you dummy. I don't want you to leave me. I want to be with you and improve instead of just giving up on everything. Please give me a chance to improve. Please don't leave me, Hoseok.” A new wave of tears clogged his throat, speaking difficult and he breathed through his nose a few times, fingers remaining on Hoseok’s shoulder. 

“Can't you… can't you let me kiss you once and then decide whether you really don't feel anything towards me, Hoseok?”

“I'm not moving out. I'm here if you need something. I am absolutely useless though.” He smiled at the memory of hitting his head against the wall and seeing stars before everything turned black and the colours were gone. 

“Then why won't you let me help you? I could before, so maybe I still can,” Hyungwon said, voice hopeful and hand playing with the strands of Hoseok’s hair, body moving closer. “I want to make you happy, Hoseok. Don't give up so fast. You're not worthless at all. You're fucking everything to me.”

_ He doesn't know that he's the reason all of it is there in the first place.  _

“I think you don't understand. There is nothing left inside, I can't even hear music. I don't hear anything, everything is gone. You thought you were a shell? Now you can see what a real shell looks like.” His insides started hurting and more tears ran down his face, pain that was ignored coming up and making it hard to breathe. He needed to run away from the situation before the wall broke down.    


Hyungwon didn't even hesitate before climbing on Hoseok’s lap, closing his arms around him and pressing him against his chest. 

“I'm sorry, I never really cared about permissions,” he murmured as he placed a few kisses against Hoseok’s cheeks, dissolving some of the tears and not loosening his grip. “Who said that it won't come back, Hoseok? Let's work on it. We'll make the music come back, I swear,” Hyungwon whispered as he stroked Hoseok’s hair and swallowed heavily, fighting the tears himself. 

The pain was overwhelming, shooting through his insides like gunpowder, breaking the flesh and burning everything in proximity. The water just ran down. He had worked so hard on not feeling it but it came back as soon as the other man was near him, touching him. Hoseok kept his hands clenched at the leather of the couch, body trembling from the inhumane agony. 

_ He probably feels bad because you look like shit, Hoseok. Get your body in semi-acceptable condition so he can stop doing charity work for you and your lack of frustration tolerance.  _

“You don't need to pity me. I will be ok eventually. I'll eat and drink and then everything will be happy and awesome again. You don't need to bother, it's not your fault,” he exhaled after trying not to sound pitiful and looking somewhere between his fingers. 

Hyungwon leaned back a little, probably examining his face before he removed one arm from around Hoseok’s neck. A few moments passed in which only breathing was audible until a sudden pain spread out through Hoseok’s cheek. Hyungwon had slapped him. 

“I'm not fucking pitying you, Hoseok, for fuck’s sake. You are still trying to stay away from me, aren't you? I promised myself that I won't fucking do it, Hoseok. I'll do my best to not hurt myself, I really will. How the fuck am I supposed to learn if you just give up on everything immediately? How the hell am I supposed to improve and stop thinking that I'm fucking worthless if you drop me as if I am exactly that?”

“I told you I'm not an angel, Hyungwon. I never meant to be one and I never was. I'm not staying away for your sake, I'm staying away because if you do it again I might just die. I don't want to feel anything. No pain and no happiness, just be the shell that I am and not care. Slap me whenever you feel like it. I already told you before. I'm not going anywhere.” Hoseok felt the skin tingling at the spot Hyungwon’s hand had hit his cheek. He felt something, it was a bad sign. 

_ Just go to sleep, go away, don't listen to all of this. _

“I don't want an angel, Hoseok. I just want you,” Hyungwon whispered and shifted his legs a little. His arm returned to its place around Hoseok’s neck and he rested his head on his shoulder, warm breath hitting the skin of his back. “I need to know what you wanted me to show you, Hoseok. Please tell me. What was it?”

“More. More of yourself. Thank you for showing me that instead. I might have tortured you further with selfish asking and stupid demands.” It was so unbelievably hard to tolerate the contact without being affected. His resources were at their limit, trying to answer complex questions and not reacting to the body contact of the person he had missed so painfully during the last two weeks.

“I'm an idiot, Hoseok. I misunderstood you and I shouldn't have. I'd love to show you myself, I really would. Especially now that I know what you actually wanted to see. I'm fucking sorry for what I did and I regret it, Hoseok. I even know that I didn't deserve such treatment but it's just so fucking hard for me to get used to the thought that someone loves me the way I am, including scars and everything. But I'm trying, I'm fucking trying, Hoseok.” Hyungwon placed a kiss on Hoseok’s shoulder. “Because I love you and won't let you give up. Not if you actually have feelings for me.”

It just hurt. Everything did. It would've been nice to just dump everything into the past and move on, being in love and happy, working on the relationship and being satisfied with his life decisions. At this point everything just hurt like a stab, ripping his insides and knife turning with every touch the other was gracing him with. He had feelings, he only consisted of feelings towards Hyungwon. The other man was the reason Hoseok stopped perceiving. He didn't want to be hurt, like a coward. 

“I'll show you that there’s nothing left of me and then you'll leave by yourself,” he whispered, tears still running down his face and neck, staining some clothes he didn't know he was wearing and eyes staring into the air because it felt just like him, empty. 

“Show me. Show me everything, Hoseok, and I'll show you that you can't make me leave that easily,” Hyungwon answered, looking up from Hoseok’s shoulder and placing a short kiss on his lips, eyes determined and hand wiping away the tears carefully.

_ That's easy. Show him that there's nothing left but pain.  _

Hoseok placed both hands on Hyungwon’s sides and lifted him from his lap before standing up. 

“I will. I'm going to take a shower.” He turned around and walked over to the bathroom, closing the door behind himself. 

_ You wanted to stop feeling but Hyungwon just turned from being music into being pain.  _ _   
_ __   
He undressed completely and turned the shower on, the hot water feeling strangely painful although he had spent the last couple of days showering without feeling any change in temperature. Hyungwon did it to him, smashing the carefully built up wall of nothing. The one that had been sheltering him from the incredible pain he felt, thinking about the blue bruises all over the other man's thin neck and his cracked lips moving and telling him that it was exactly what he had wanted to see. 

Hoseok didn’t want to see that, Hoseok didn’t want to be the trigger that made the beautiful, black-haired man hurt himself. Even if it meant that he had to stay away, hereby stabbing his lungs and losing everything he loved that consisted of Hyungwon and music.    
  
More tears, there were even more tears, tension that built up and used resources that he didn’t have. He needed to stay away from Hyungwon, to not touch him in response, to keep his hands lying on the couch. Hoseok didn’t think that it would be that hard. He had forgotten to simulate the beautiful tall man crawling on his lap and kissing him, confessing his love and begging him to stay. The way Hyungwon’s thin body felt on his thighs shot painful spikes through his whole body, skin tingling and muscles flexing in vain.   
  
_ You’re not supposed to feel it, Hoseok, you should just feel fucking nothing and not thirst after it ten minutes after you see him in person.  _ _   
_ _   
_ He turned on the cold water, burning differently but still burning, skin turning from blushed to white in a matter of seconds. He felt too much, far too much and it was only the start. Everything that was about to come would be much harder to handle.    
  
_ You are weak as fuck, Hoseok, not even good enough to control your body.  _ _   
_ __   
He stepped out and looked in the mirror. Blonde wet bangs were falling over his eyes and his skin looked like porcelain, white, almost transparent. Remembering that he had forgotten to take new underwear, he put a big towel around his hips and opened the door. 

His eyes fell on Hyungwon who was leaning against the wall across from the bathroom, eyes big and only wearing the large, white t-shirt with buttons he usually wore to sleep. It felt like only milliseconds passed before the other man closed the distance between them, immediately walking towards Hoseok and jumping up, arms closing around his neck just like his legs circled Hoseok’s hips, warm plump lips insistently pressing against his.   
  
He felt his back clashing against the wall, not ready for the things that were happening.    
“What- What’s going on?” He didn’t manage to ask more between the milliseconds Hyungwon needed to reattach his mouth to Hoseok’s lips. It seemed like the other man had no intention to answer, his hands tightening and his nose sucking in air desperately to avoid separating from each other. Even breathing seemed to be irrelevant compared to the need to kiss. Hyungwon tightened his legs around Hoseok’s hips and used it to lift himself a little higher, tilting Hoseok’s head with his hands and thereby allowing himself more access to his mouth, licking over his lips and gasping.   
  
Everything burned. Hoseok hated himself and his own body for just shamelessly reacting to every touch and kiss, not even able to move away or say something coherent. His hands clenched into fists, but his lips parted and let Hyungwon in. What were walls anyway? The relief was not only audible but also tangible. Hyungwon breathed out through his nose and placed soft kisses on his forehead and nose before returning to the lips, using more force than usual, teeth almost colliding with the strength that he put into it.

“I need you, Hoseok,” he whispered breathlessly before sliding his hips over Hoseok’s, using his own legs as a pillar and closing the distance between their mouths again, licking and nibbling on his bottom lip. He seemed emotional in his actions, eyes less focused than they had been all other times that the other man had shown sexual affection. “Carry me to my room.”   
  
Hoseok’s brain felt like mush but the burning and tingling of his skin and Hyungwon's hot lips against his mouth felt so welcoming, like a glass of water after being thirsty for weeks. He just couldn’t deny it, he had to take and drink it. His hands went up the firm thighs and he held Hyungwon in place while his body moved absolutely independently of what his mind considered adequate, closing the distance to the room in big, fast steps. The other man held on quietly, burying his face in Hoseok’s neck and sucking on the sensitive skin of his shoulder, licking over it right after as if to sooth it.   
  
The longing was unbearable, everything he had felt during those two weeks and the emptiness that surrounded him was filled out after mere seconds of proximity. Everything was still black and white and there was no sound, but he could feel it, in every cell of his body. He just stood in the middle of Hyungwon’s room, holding the thin body close and didn't know what to do. Where a smile would have graced Hyungwon’s features before, only big eyes remained. 

The other man pressed against Hoseok’s hands holding him up until he touched the ground and pulled Hoseok towards the bed, pushing him on the mattress and lying down on top of him. Hyungwon didn’t pause and began leaving kisses all over his naked chest and stomach, long fingers loosening the knot of his towel and throwing it to the side as he continued to caress his skin with his full lips. When he reached Hoseok’s thighs he kissed all the way up again, lying down on his side and pressing their bodies together, letting as much skin touch as was physically possible. Still his lips remained in motion, kissing over his ear and cheek, creating a pattern of light touches over his chin and neck before arriving at his lips again.

“I love you, Hoseok,” he murmured, but it didn’t sound like he even intended for him to hear it. It seemed more like a repetition for himself, awe and emotions intermixing into a potent fuel for behavior.   
  
Where his senses failed to perceive and process information, his body outdid itself, every cell screaming and blood rushing towards each spot that was touched by Hyungwon’s lips. His hands found the other's black hair and stroked over it tenderly, suppressed affection tingling in his fingertips.    
  
“I hate myself,” Hoseok managed to press out, absolutely overwhelmed by everything but not able to do or to say anything that would’ve made a difference. Hyungwon looked up, lips leaving the area connecting his shoulder and neck and stared at him. The other man's hand stroked over his muscular chest, dipping along the rifs of his toned stomach and unaffected by the words.

“Why would you hate yourself, babe?” he asked as his lips closed around a collarbone, eyes leaving Hoseok’s face and focusing on the skin in front of him instead. Hoseok remembered all those times Hyungwon went all out just to make him feel better about not being able to play piano or being tired.   
  
_ You’re the perfect charity case. _   
  
“Because I have the feeling- you’re doing it so I would feel better. You shouldn’t.” His voice ripped a hole into his own silence, cracking in the middle and sounding so fucking desperate it hurt. 

Hyungwon’s nails scratched over his stomach lightly, leaving fine lines and adding to the bodily sensations that were flooding his brain. He glanced up again, kissing Hoseok’s mouth and biting down on his lower lip.

“I am doing it because I want to. I want nothing else but you and the mere thought of you possibly giving up made me short-circuit in addition to your towel-clad self. I can’t think clearly and I won’t, Hoseok. I just want you,” Hyungwon answered as his head moved lower, teeth nibbling on a nipple and licking over Hoseok’s pec muscles. Long fingers sneaked between his legs, stroking along the inside of his thigh.   
  
_ Fuck. You underestimated him, Hoseok.  _ _   
_ _   
_ A moan came out of his mouth that sounded so unlike himself. It felt like the first time hearing your voice over a speaker, so different and not familiar at all, but it was his voice, moaning at Hyungwon’s touch, just like before.   
  
_ Only that there is no music. It’s just there, Hyungwon is just there. _ _   
_ __   
It felt strange, he didn’t hear or feel anything music-related for the first time. It was just the touch, his bodily reaction, his voice and the other man’s breathing pattern filling the silence. No chords and no instruments, just him and Hyungwon. 

The beautiful man was focused on him, continuously leaving kisses along his whole body and sucking on sensitive areas of his skin, as if he knew by heart already. Hyungwon's hand between his legs slid along his inner thigh, over his lower stomach, to the other inner thigh, caressing without touching much. He bit down on Hoseok’s abs before kissing upwards and connecting their lips, breathing into his mouth and curling his hand around Hoseok’s prominent erection.

He saw stars, maybe just spikes behind his closed eyelids, connecting with the wet warmth surrounding his lips and the long fingers he dreamt about. His mind was working hard on an explanation and excuses backing up the thought that everything was a good idea. That it was just the natural flow, space and time turning such that he happened to lie in Hyungwon’s bed naked while the ethereal human attached his beautiful body to him although Hoseok wasn’t actually worth it.    
  


“Just let go, Hoseok,” Hyungwon gasped against his lips as he increased the speed of the motions of his fingers, touch light and meant to tease. Then the warm hand left his erection as two fingers walked along his lower stomach towards his chest and to his lips. “Would you lick them for me, babe?”   
  
_ Who are you to say no, Hoseok? Who are you to even think about it? He said he needs you and you can only breathe when it’s him.  _ _   
_ __   
Hoseok opened his mouth and licked over the long straight digits, looking so pale in the dim light. His hands went up Hyungwon’s back and pressed him closer, even closer, so close he could breathe the vanilla scent suddenly, his brain clouded by the sweetness and intoxicating fragrance.

Hyungwon was visibly affected by the action, biting his lower lip and pupils blown. The other man slid a leg over Hoseok’s hips before curling his lubricated hand around his erection again, using the weight of his leg to increase pressure and feel more of Hoseok’s skin. Another moan escaped his lips, the other man's beautiful face so serious and expression different from all those times they were intimate. Hoseok wanted to feel more, more skin and more of Hyungwon, feel the burning pain and everything else that came along.    
  
“Can you take off your clothes?” he asked, not knowing whether it was something he was allowed to do in the first place, especially after asking Hyungwon for things and making him miserable in the end. The other man finally smiled, nodding quietly and disentangling himself from Hoseok’s body, long fingers easily finding the buttons of his shirt and opening them with practised ease. As soon as all buttons were opened, the shirt slid down his back and landed on the bed, boxer briefs following right after as he slid them over his slim legs.

“Touch me, Hoseok,” the other man whispered as he sat on his lap, left hand resting on Hoseok’s chest and large eyes watching his every move.   
  
Everything. He wanted to do everything. 

The two weeks he had spent with not knowing what to do with himself and the unbearable agony vanished into nothing and he sat up on the bed, face right in front of the black-haired man’s chest. His golden skin shimmered and reflected the table lamp while Hoseok placed kisses on every spot he could find, hands stroking over the velvety skin of Hyungwon’s back. He was so beautiful. He was so beautiful that it hurt and it took all of his resolutions away, burned down his inhibitions and drop-kicked the walls he had been carefully building up over the period they hadn't seen each other. 

_ Everything in vain. _

The ethereal man in front of him sucked in a breath, right hand sinking into the blond strands of his hair and pulling lightly, leading him towards his shoulder and neck, as if asking to be kissed and touched there. Hyungwon’s legs pulled apart a little and he closed his eyes, as if wishing to focus on the bodily sensations only, chest rising and falling quicker with every additional touch that Hoseok graced his body with.   
  
He tasted like a mix of honey and cherrywood and smelled like vanilla. Hoseok hadn’t realized before because he was only paying attention to the music that accompanied the proximity. Now his senses seemed to return, driven by the sensations Hyungwon was ready to provide. It felt amazing, every kiss and touch opening new kinds of reactions his body was apparently capable of. He curled his arms around Hyungwon's thin waist, pushing the beautiful man closer, sucking in his scent and tasting his hot skin.   
  
“You taste like honey,” he whispered, licking over a long collarbone and dipping his tongue in.

Hyungwon chuckled before hissing at the sensation. His hands closed around Hoseok’s neck in return, keeping him near and leaving a kiss on top of his head.

“You are always chocolate to me,” the other man remarked, caressing the fine hair on Hoseok’s nape and breathing in his scent. His low voice sent shivers down his spine, body immediately reacting and longing for more. Hoseok’s hands went down from his lean back and met in between their bodies, fingers sliding over his firm thighs, caressing his skin and hips involuntarily shifting under the weight to create more friction. Hyungwon moaned, eyes closing and hips pressing down to keep the friction before he rolled them instead, knowing what to do and resting both hands on Hoseok’s shoulders to have enough stability.

“I want to feel you, Hoseok,” he murmured as he slid his hips over Hoseok’s erection again. Everything was much slower and less hurried somehow, Hyungwon not bringing him close to orgasm in a matter of minutes but rather focusing on the single perceptions and touches. As if everything needed to be felt and enjoyed to the fullest, every movement and sound engraved into memory.   
  
“You make me feel things. I’m not worth it, Hyungwon.” The words came out without any previous thought but his body moved again, as if betraying everything they hapd agreed on.

“You’re worth everything to me, no matter what you think yourself. I love you and I have nobody that I care about as much as I care about you, Hoseok.” Fingers caressed his hair again and lips touched his, warmth and proximity intense.   
  
_ If he thinks that you’re worth it then you maybe are, Hoseok. He also said he was worthless but you can only be a proper functioning human with him around.  _ _   
_ __   
“I can’t hear music, but I can hear your voice and it is equally beautiful,” was the only thing that he managed to press out, lips finding the beautiful shape of the other man’s neck, placing soft kisses around his ear and along his jaw. Hyungwon gasped at the feeling, rolling his hips again and throwing his head back to give Hoseok more access.

“I don’t want anybody to touch me except for you, Hoseok,” the other man whispered, fingers tightening further on his shoulders, nails digging lightly into the skin.   
  
“I want to touch you, so badly. My head is spinning and I can’t think about anything else.” The way Hyungwon’s hips rolled over his erection made him see stars and more. Hoseok saw them, the colors, Hyungwon's golden skin, his brown eyes, light blush on his cheeks, his red lips and the pink tongue licking over them. It was simply beautiful and he wanted more.

The chestnut-brown eyes focused on him alone, hips not ceasing their flowing movement.

“Then just don’t think and touch me, Hoseok.” Hyungwon’s voice was the perfect substitute for music, beautiful, full and low, getting every sound right and vibrating against his skin. Hoseok lifted his right hand and licked over his fingers slowly, coating them in saliva before reaching down between their bodies and curling his wet fingers around Hyungwon’s erection, stroking it slowly and observing every expression on the other man’s incredibly mesmerizing face.

Hyungwon cursed, hips rising into the air in response, attempting to follow Hoseok’s hand and fingers digging deeper into his shoulders. The way the black-haired man bit his lower lip and mouthed ‘more’ at him was so sensual and affected that he needed to see more himself, much more.   


“Could you lie down on your back and let me touch you?” Hoseok looked up and slowed down the movements of his hand while waiting for a reaction. 

“Everything you want,” Hyungwon answered, leaving out the sweet names. His voice was low and breathy, not teasing at all. Every word he uttered was clear and so emotionally fuelled that it was overwhelming. He climbed off Hoseok’s lap, leaned against the soft pillows and spread his legs, chest rising and falling quickly. His right arm was draped over his eyes, much like he had back in the sauna when Hoseok had seen him undressed for the first time.  
  
Hoseok reached for the familiar drawer and pulled the bottle of lube out, coating his fingers and placing himself between the other's long legs. He removed the arm covering his ethereal face and placed a hot kiss on his plump lips before crawling down and breathing hot air against his prominent erection. He had missed it so much. He had missed Hyungwon and everything that was connected to him, his body, his voice, the way his mouth moved when he talked, the way he smelled and those big brown eyes staring right through to his fucking soul.   
  
“I missed you, the real you,” the gorgeous man whispered, his face visibly strained from forcing himself to remain focused on Hoseok instead of rolling his eyes back and losing himself in the heat of his breath and mouth. Hyungwon’s fingers had already found their place in Hoseok’s blond strands but didn’t pull yet.    
  
Hoseok licked over the tip, circled his tongue around it and took him in his mouth, lips tight and moving up and down his length. A finger followed right after, warm walls surrounding him and digits remembering the way Hyungwon liked it, searching for the spot and finding it. The other man groaned from his ministrations, throwing his head to the side and gasping his name. Hyungwon's slim hips pushed against the finger that Hoseok slid in and out smoothly, needing more and trying to achieve it on their own.

“Fuck, Hoseok, I-” he moaned, and finally pulled his hair harder. It wasn’t enough to make him stop and definitely hadn't been intended such. Hyungwon was more occupied with trying to move inside Hoseok’s mouth and towards his finger at the same time, struggling and sighing in frustration, interrupted by a few desperate moans. “Shit, I love it when you drive me mad like this. You just know my body so well.”   
  
He did. Hoseok remembered every little thing and every spot, the way Hyungwon liked to be touched and where, when he needed more and how much more. He added another finger, tightening his mouth around the other man's beautiful dick again, tongue digging into the slit and fingers hitting the sensitive spot mercilessly.

Hyungwon’s body jerked at the intensity, legs shaking and lips parting as he threw his head from side to side repeatedly, dealing with the constant onslaught of sensations and unable to react coherently. It was mesmerizing to see him lose control.

“More, Hoseok, just give me more. Everything you want to give me. Fuck.”   
  
A third finger joined and Hoseok released his erection, giving it a couple of slow licks but not taking it back into his mouth. The curses increased, flowing out of Hyungwon’s lips like a mantra, his legs tightening around Hoseok’s head subconsciously and his teeth biting down on the plump lower lip, enough to break.   
  
“Fuck, you are so fucking beautiful like this, how am I supposed to think?” Hoseok placed kisses on the shaft and upwards, fingers working with insane precision and enjoying the way the other’s long legs surrounded him.

Hyungwon mumbled an answer but it wasn’t understandable, gasps and moans constantly pervading his words. Only his name was a word that Hoseok was able to recognize everytime, groaned in addition to Hyungwon's nails leaving red lines on his skin, carefulness disappearing with the speed and precision of his fingers, adequate behaviour turned off just like inhibition. Hyungwon was completely at his mercy in his arms. Hoseok needed him, he needed to feel it. His fingers slipped out slowly and he lifted his upper body from between the other man’s legs.   
  
“I want you, I want you so much. What am I supposed to do now?” The whisper seemed unreal but it was him and it were his words, spoken while looking into those brown, beautiful eyes reflecting his own pale face.

“Take me, Hoseok, because I was yours already from the moment you played that melody for me.” The answer was clear, breath still irregular but the awareness in Hyungwon’s eyes signified their truth. Hoseok leaned in and kissed his nose, before pressing his lips against his red mouth, eyes shutting from the sensation. He leaned back and reached for the drawer again, preparing himself and lining up after getting ready. 

Shit, he loved Hyungwon so fucking much.

The other man sucked in a breath, muscles relaxing and eyes remaining focused before he lifted his legs to place them on Hoseok’s shoulders. Slipping down a little lower, to lie more comfortably, he smiled before licking over his lips. Hoseok pushed himself in, holding Hyungwon's legs in front of him. It felt like sucking in a breath but not releasing it, air fully absorbed by his lungs and oxygen overflowing his brain. He went slowly, watching Hyungwon and stroking over the smooth skin of his thighs.

His gradual movements made the various changes in the other man’s expression so much more obvious. Lips parted as Hyungwon breathed in and continued watching Hoseok through every thrust. His lips were red from biting and licking over them, contrasting beautifully with his skin and his hands gripped the bed sheets tightly. With each motion his eyes closed for a few short seconds and he pressed his lips together tightly, before they parted again to release a breath and the brown orbs opened, eyes absolutely focused. Hoseok kissed him, so desperately and honestly. He wanted to show everything he felt just by touching lips and playing with the tongue inside the other man’s mouth while his body moved and everything felt so intense that he was scared to breathe, afraid that it would stop if he did.

Hyungwon kissed back, hands leaving the sheets to press Hoseok’s mouth even further into his, fear of separation making every centimetre that kept their bodies apart a torture. Hyungwon responded to every movement, every flick of his tongue and every shift in Hoseok’s hips, arranging himself such that they fit perfectly. It was so different from what they usually did. Hyungwon didn't ask him to go faster and he didn't try to make him change the rhythm. The other man just melted into their kiss and everything that Hoseok was offering him.    
  
He could feel again, not music and not sounds, no specific piece and no different instruments, just the warmth of the other man's skin, the strokes of his long fingers, his breath and his burning lips, his eyes and finally his low, vibrating voice. All that paired with the way Hyungwon’s body was responding to his movements, his fragrance and his delicious, intoxicating taste turned into a huge wreckingball that sent Hoseok’s senses into overdrive. 

He felt Hyungwon, only him and it was absolutely enough.    
  
He was perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They got closer but sex doesn't solve mental health issues. See next chapter for reference. 
> 
> Hoseok's way of ignoring sensory input is a way in dealing with emotions, especially regarding color perception.  
> For more reference see: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18766155 
> 
> Music reccommendations:
> 
> Halsey - Colors (stripped)  
> Amy Winehouse - Back to black  
> Halsey - Ghost (stripped)  
> Troye Sivan - Talk me down  
> Troye Sivan - Too good
> 
> Next Update on January 30th at 4 PM CET.
> 
> We write one character each, also every interaction independend of the perspective.  
> @Hichanchen writes Hyungwon (and Minhyuk+Jooheon) and  
> @Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok (and Kihyun+Changkyun)
> 
> Hit us up on Twitter  
> @Hichanchen  
> @Smut_Hemingway
> 
> We are extremely happy about every comment and every click. You are one of the major reasons we write. (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	16. 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Let me be the one to pick you back up. To glue you together. To grasp the little shards and put them back into their beautiful and complex puzzle. Please?”

It had all seemed so easy, so fucking easy. 

A few words had appeared to be absolutely sufficient to make Hoseok understand, to make him see that Hyungwon loved him and didn’t want him to leave, to convince him that he had just made another dumb decision, too affected by alcohol and his own insecurities. Clearing up misunderstandings had seemed like the main problem.

Just that for some reason talking to Hoseok and explaining how much he still loved him had been absolutely futile, no chance of breaking the granite wall that was the blonde man’s convictions. Seeing the pianist as a mere shell of what he had been before was already shocking. The other looked like he had only eaten his own tears for breakfast, lunch and dinner, however, the fact that he was so convinced to stay away from Hyungwon although he still loved him was heartbreaking. It had felt like his blood froze in his veins when he asked Hoseok whether he still loved him, whether the feelings were still there despite everything.

If the feelings had been gone there would have been no point in fighting and Hyungwon would have had to give up, say goodbye to his own feelings and live with the fact that his self-destructive tendencies had ruined his chance for happiness.

_ They still did, Hyungwon, you don’t know if you can fix it yet. You acted on your emotions but that might mean absolutely nothing. _

Hoseok’s breath was hot in his neck, not asleep but also not saying a word, just breathing Hyungwon’s scent as if it was the air he needed to survive and holding him close. After they had cleaned up Hyungwon had attached himself permanently to Hoseok’s body, too afraid to let go and also absolutely unwilling to do so. He had missed him more than anything else over the past weeks, emotions uncontrolled and raw, fearing for a permanent separation, but still willing to do everything to fix it.

Sitting on the couch as the water was running in the shower, he had been devastated, shocked at how Hoseok behaved, barely reacting to the things he did, replying as if on autopilot and not even looking at his face. It was difficult to describe and if someone would have told Hyungwon that Hoseok could behave like that around him, he would have told them to choke on a dick. The vividness with which the pianist always perceived and felt when he was around Hyungwon had been eradicated, nothing remaining except for widened eyes and a limp hold.

Hyungwon had felt so helpless, listening to the other man shower and feeling like he had done everything he could but none of it had an effect. It had been like Hoseok didn't even listen, just remaining with the same words and the same excuses, arguing that he was a mere shell and Hyungwon would leave on his own. 

_ You’re not going to leave, not if he will let you stay. _

The decision to kiss Hoseok hadn’t been a conscious one. He had prepared for bed and wished to see the other man before sleep, hoping to be able to change his mind, maybe convince him to talk about it again and explain further why Hoseok was so convinced to stay away. However, the way the blonde man had appeared, covered with only a towel, looking beautiful and like everything that Hyungwon had ever wanted, had been too much. He had simply short-circuited, attaching himself to the other man’s lips without any further thoughts, melting at his touch and loving the responses he received. Hoseok had showed him more of himself than he had throughout their whole conversation in the living room, granite wall falling apart with every caress and every kiss. Hyungwon had been dazed by the openness that Hoseok suddenly graced him with.

_ He finally opened up to you, at least a little. _

Hyungwon’s long fingers stroked over the gorgeous blonde’s face, cheeks a little sunken and skin even paler than it had been two weeks ago. His thumb caressed the other's soft lips before he placed a kiss on top of them, quickly succeeded by another one on the cheek and the ear before finally resting his head on Hoseok’s shoulder.

“I can’t let you go, Hoseok,” he breathed against the other man’s neck. “I need you and I think you might need me too.”

He knew that Hoseok wasn’t asleep and the thought that he might regret giving into Hyungwon scared him. Hoseok could be wishing he hadn't done it and leave without any further words. The warm arms around his waist said something different, but the fear was still there, scratching at the surface of his insecurities and trying to get in.

_ Shut up, you’re going to work on this because you love him and he loves you. _

“I love you, I can’t do anything about it. The music is gone but I love you so much. I’m fucking useless and weak but I still want you like a greedy piece of shit.” Hoseok tightened his grip and pressed him closer, placing hot kisses on the skin of his shoulder, hot breath hitting his neck. “Please don’t hurt yourself. I need you to breathe.” 

_ He's afraid of you hurting yourself. How could you even dare to think that someone like that would want to cause you pain? What's wrong with you, Hyungwon? _

“I'm sorry, Hoseok, I really am. I have no fucking clue why I thought you might want to see me in pain or even hurt me yourself. I just don't know. But now I know that you don't want to. I'll try, Hoseok, I swear I'll do my best. Just stay with me and tell me when I'm being a dumb goldfish.” Hyungwon chuckled. “Sometimes I'm stupid and don't see the most basic things. But what do you mean by not hearing music? It's gone? Is that why you seem so anhedonic?”

_ He can't feel music although it’s the most important thing in his life and you're thinking about your stupid brain issues, get a fucking grip, Hyungwon.  _

Right now Hoseok needed him more than the other way around. Hyungwon arched towards the light touches on his shoulders and curled his limbs further around the other man, letting his fingers roam through the golden strands. Even in the dark it felt impossibly precious, knowing that he had received something very valuable and mustn't lose it. 

“I can't perceive it and I can't feel it. It's just gone,” Hoseok whispered into his skin “I'm useless now.” 

Hyungwon felt at a loss. The one thing that Hoseok continuously talked about, lived off and basically breathed instead of air, had disappeared just like that? Just because he had been dumb enough to hurt himself again?

“Why would that make you useless, Hoseok? Just because you don't feel it doesn't mean that you can't produce it. And even if, you're much more than your music, especially to me.” He kissed him, trying to show the sincerity with more than just words.    
  
“It’s funny actually. You were music to me, it disappeared but you are still here, with me.” Hoseok slid his fingers tenderly over Hyungwon's sides and over his back while breathing out and tickling his ear.

Hyungwon laughed at the sensation, trying to scamper away a little to save himself from embarrassing giggles in a very unfit situation. He continued playing with Hoseok’s hair though, massaging his scalp and pulling lightly at irregular intervals. 

If Hoseok had difficulties to find the one thing he enjoyed the most, then maybe a little push could do the job. They could at least try. 

“Now we just need to make sure that music comes back, don't we?” he asked, smiling and breathing in the chocolate scent that he had missed so much. “Stand up, let's hear you play.”   
  
“I can’t.” Hoseok curled the muscular arms around his waist and pressed him closer to his chest. “I already tried but I feel nothing and I don’t want to play. I don’t want anything.” 

“Babe, we're not gonna be hopeless here, but we're the ‘we'll try so hard until we'll bust a nut’ team, okay? So let's get your sexy, naked ass out of bed and we'll see what we can do.” Hyungwon attempted to get out of the tight grip but it was impossible. He just wobbled like a fucking fish on land without getting anywhere. “Worst case I'll play a little myself and you'll change your mind so quickly I won't even be able to start the first notes of ‘For Elise’. Come on, hun, let’s try at least.” He smiled again and blew into Hoseok’s ear, making the other man jerk. 

“If it won't work, I'll just entertain you. No pressure.”

Hoseok placed a hot kiss on his lips before burying the head in the crook of his neck. 

“I gained the colours and the taste back only by being next to you. I don't want to go anywhere. I want to attach myself to you and not move. Ever.” Hoseok emphasized it by shifting his legs such that Hyungwon’s body was caught between them. 

So much to trying to achieve something. He had no chance to make Hoseok move even if he'd use all of his non-existent muscle mass and got several cramps in the meantime. 

“I give up. Then stay attached and use my weak body as a pillow. I would say that I'll work out to defeat you but that’s such a turn-off.” Hyungwon closed his eyes and snuggled back into the soft blanket, the extra warmth being only a plus. “Let's just sleep, babe. Don't fuck off without waking me up, please.”

“I tried to fuck off. You can see how well that worked.” The blonde man placed a kiss on Hyungwon’s jaw and closed his eyes. 

“Let's hope it stays. Goodnight, babe. I love you.” The warmth was calming, loneliness and fear of separation pushing back into the deeper levels of his consciousness, still present but not screaming at him anymore. The familiar, damp cold of his own bed, unpleasant and freezing without the presence of another body made room for tranquil. Hoseok had finally returned, mind knowing better than the body what it really needed. 

Hyungwon really hoped that the pianist wouldn't change his mind in the morning. Postorgasmic bliss had resulted in a lot of bad decisions before and he really hoped that this wasn't one of them. He wasn't stupid and hadn't actually believed that sleeping with Hoseok would solve everything, but the possibility remained that it had helped to make him open up a little. Hopefully honesty and talking to each other would do the rest. 

Hoseok had felt him like a melody before and he hoped that the blonde didn't require the music to stay with him. 

_ You were his music, now you'll just have to be you and hope that it’s enough for him.  _ _   
_

_

  
  


It was dark when Hyungwon opened his eyes again, warm breath hitting the back of his neck and closed shutters letting a few stripes of light dance over the walls. The alarm clock on the bedside table showed that it was 1PM, the typical time that Hyungwon woke up when he had a gig the day before. Unless someone woke him up. 

_ Hoseok returned and he didn't even wake up yet. _

The other man wasn't fond of standing up early but he definitely didn't let himself sleep until 1PM, standing up like a mental person instead and emptying a bucket of coffee. 

Worried that he might wake him up, Hyungwon turned carefully. Strong arms were circled around his waist and remained in place as he stared at Hoseok’s face, mouth slightly open and skin almost transparent. Had the sun hit his features, Hyungwon would've probably been blind by now. 

_ Would have been fucking worth it.  _

He let his long fingers stroke along Hoseok’s hair and jawline, placing a soft kiss on his open mouth and seeing if there would be a reaction. The other man's legs were tangled with his and he loved every second of it. Only the worry that the pianist wasn't himself interrupted his happy thoughts.

_ He kept dancing around you as if you're his fucking god, so now it's your turn to make him happy. Don't you dare fuck this up, Chae Hyungwon. _

The breathing pattern didn't change but a pair of brown eyes caught his gaze, staring somewhere without focusing much and facial expressions staying the same. It was scary.

“Hoseok, you there?” Hyungwon asked, voice careful, eyes watching the blonde man and hoping to see a familiar expression instead of nothingness. 

“Seems like a dream. You're not black and white and next to me,” the blonde whispered, body remaining in the exact same position, before a hand went up his neck, eyes following and looking for something. “There is nothing, must be a dream.” Hoseok smiled and it looked very hollow. 

“It’s not,” Hyungwon whispered, the same unpleasant feeling that he had had the day before returning. It was a little bit like when your body knew that something was really bad but you couldn't quite point a finger at what exactly it was. 

“I’m here and I'm not a dream. What do you mean by ‘nothing‘?”

Hoseok closed his eyes and breathed out before sliding his fingers absentmindedly over Hyungwon’s neck. 

“There are no bruises and you're next to me. I don't want to wake up,” he smiled briefly. “Ever.”

_ Shit. Holy fucking shit.  _

A shudder of liquid dread slid over his back, resembling the sensation of dry ice, burning the skin despite the cold. 

_ It's your fucking fault, Hyungwon. You keep thinking that a little bit of talking will solve it but Hoseok can't fucking forget what you looked like.  _

The panic rose in his throat again, screaming at him to leave Hoseok the fuck alone, keep his crazy ass away from the pure blonde, to just fucking disappear already. 

_ No.  _

His fingers tightened around Hoseok’s arm, calming himself and smiling at the other man, defeating his inner devil through a repetition of the same words, over and over again. 

_ You deserve this, Hyungwon. You love him and he loves you too, so you're going to make this work.  _

“Ehm, that's all lovely and shit and dreams are nice, but how about we go to the kitchen and make you a giant ass bucket of coffee, babe?” Hyungwon pushed at Hoseok’s shoulders a little, pointing in the direction of the door with his index finger, long legs still curled around the other man's. 

“So it wasn't a dream.” The blonde man buried his nose in the crook of Hyungwon’s neck, breathing in harshly. “Too bad, I didn't want to wake up but now I have to. Fuck.” Strong arms curled tightly around his thin waist while Hoseok spoke.

“I'm all fine, babe. You see? As good as new. Let's go to the kitchen and drink coffee. We gotta fill your reserves and make your brain work.” Hoseok was making things difficult again, not letting Hyungwon leave and squishing his waist. Having the muscular arms around him made it even more obvious how thin he was compared to the blonde man. 

“Are you? Well, I'm not and I don't want to stand up, I just want to hold you and not go anywhere and deal with life,” Hoseok just whispered into his skin. 

_ Fuck it, Hyungwon. You tried to make him do things before and it didn't help either. _

“Fucking fine then. You're going to take me and carry me to the kitchen because  _ I _ want a fucking coffee.” Hyungwon tightened his arms around Hoseok’s neck sufficiently to choke him a little, legs also tight. He was ready to be carried through the apartment or fight to get his way with all means available. He had grabbed Hoseok’s dick painfully before and he was ready to do it again if necessary. 

The change in his behaviour seemed to work as the muscular man crawled back over the bed, stood up while holding Hyungwon’s thighs in place and walked over to the kitchen. Hoseok placed a hot, desperate kiss against his neck and let him go on the kitchen counter next to the coffee machine.

“Fuck,” Hyungwon cursed as soon as his naked ass touched the cold surface of the stone, shiver moving up and wish to stab someone prominent in his mind. A few seconds solved the problem and he pushed Hoseok even closer with his heels, hand reaching above his head to get a huge ass cup with the words ‘eyes bigger than your belly’ out of the cupboard and placing it under the machine before pressing start. 

“You're a good boy,” he said with a smirk and kissed Hoseok on the lips, loving their nakedness and feeling intrigued (which was fucking typical considering how he loved sex in different locations). “You better warm me up after almost freezing my ass, babe.”

Hoseok exhaled sharply at the proximity and closed his eyes, pressing his hips against Hyungwon naturally. 

“You make me go nuts, Hyungwon. I can't even think properly,” the blonde moaned quietly while curling his arms around him and sliding his warm hands over Hyungwon’s naked back. 

Coffee or dick? The dilemma was a whole new level of complexity. Luckily Hoseok had been able to leave the bed, so Hyungwon didn't feel as bad when his fingers curled around the blonde’s dick and gave it a few strokes.

_ You're distracting yourself from your problems with sex again, Hyungwon.  _

“How about you fuck me on the counter after both of us take a much needed sip of coffee?” It was better to taste like coffee than whatever the fuck the disgusting mess that sleep produced in one's mouth was. He grabbed the filled cup and took a sip, scrunching his face ‘cause the milk was way too far away to bother. Then he lifted it towards Hoseok’s lips. “Drink.”

“I want to drink you, to taste you and to feel only you.” The other man's low voice caressed his ear but Hoseok still complied and drank some of the coffee. “I don't know what day it is and what time it is and when I ate the last time. I don't know what I did the past two weeks but I want to just melt into you and stay there forever, to not be forced to return to my pathetic existence.” His pale face looked sad but his eyes were moving up and down over Hyungwon’s face, his neck and shoulders. “How can you be so unspeakably beautiful, Hyungwon? Even when I saw you after coming back and everything was colourless, you were still sparkling and shining on the sad grey background like a beautiful moon.” He closed his eyes for a second before pressing Hyungwon closer. “I don't deserve any of this.”

“That's bullshit, Hoseok. I'm not telling myself that I deserve you just to hear you lying to yourself.” Hyungwon grabbed Hoseok’s hands and placed them on his shoulders, letting them slide down his chest until they reached his lower stomach. “I'm pretty and people tend to lose their minds over that quite a bit but to me you are much more special, Hoseok. You're fucking wonderful. I just want to inhale you and make you part of me to improve myself at least a little bit.” He hissed in frustration. “Shit, why can't you see yourself the way I see you? Catch up, science.”

“It's not the outside, you're so beautiful from the inside, glowing and making me glow like a white wall that the sun was shining on and that reflected it.” His low voice paused. “Did you want me to come back?” The other man's hands didn't move. Hoseok was this beautiful being, finally returning after weeks of waiting and trying to contact him, only to seriously ask if Hyungwon had wanted him to return.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Hoseok? I wrote you messages and tried to call you at least ten times a day until your phone just fucking disconnected. Whether I wanted you to return? I didn't think about anything else but that! I fucking love you, Hoseok. What the fuck?” Hyungwon's fingers tightened around Hoseok’s wrists and he couldn't help feeling angry although Hoseok was probably still confused and lost, issues not disappearing just because Hyungwon cuddled him in the kitchen and gave him coffee. Fuck. Why couldn't things be easy for once? Sex had solved everything before, be it an argument, a failed relationship or low self-esteem. 

Hoseok leaned back a little, closing his eyes and breathing in while a small smile hushed over his lips. 

“I was weak and wanted to call you a week ago but then I threw the phone against the wall and let it lie there.” He opened his eyes again, gaze moving over Hyungwon’s neck and face slowly. “I need a new phone, good that my head doesn't break that quickly.” He smiled. 

_ Oh shit. _

Hyungwon immediately let his right hand run over Hoseok’s hair, eyes wide and unable to dissolve the image of Hoseok hitting his head against a wall. It just have been the same way he had hurt himself when he couldn't play and had needed Hyungwon to finish the recording. Shit, and Hyungwon thought that he had bad coping strategies. 

_ You both do. _

“Are you okay? Did you hurt your head again? Dizziness?” he asked quickly, brain going through the long list of possible defects after a neurological brain injury that he learned about in a 1,5-hour course in university.

_ Shit.  _

“It helped. I passed out and then the colours and the taste and the music were all gone. But I don't matter, what about you? Are you still in pain?” Hoseok asked quietly, sliding his hand along the skin of Hyungwon’s neck and placing a short kiss on his plump lips. 

_ That's impossible, Hyungwon and you know it. You don't need to be a fucking doctor to know that it's psychological. He just believes that he can't play, but what could you possibly do? _

“I’m perfectly fine. Not even my ass is sore ‘cause you were all soft and tender with me. But since everything got a little more emotional I'll ask again, coffee or sex? Shit, I could just blow you or something, I love your fucked-out face.” Hyungwon slid to the side, butt a tiny bit uncomfortable on the cold stone after sitting on it for too long.

“What do you want me to do?” Soft lips went up his neck to his earlobe, sucking on it gently and breathing hot air into his ear. Hyungwon's heartbeat picked up immediately, brain working on overdrive and going through all possibilities. 

“Shit, you mean I can just come at you and you'll be all up for it? Fuck, I want you so much in every fucking way.” He just curled his legs tightly around Hoseok again and moved his own ass closer on the counter. He couldn't help the grin that appeared on his features, watching Hoseok’s beautiful and rather soft face as he bit his lip. “Babe, how about we switch positions so I can see your luscious thighs against the smooth stone while I suck you off, m’kay?”

The blonde bit down on his lip and moved back a little, giving Hyungwon the space to jump down the counter. His long legs touching the ground, Hyungwon continued grinning and switched their positions, pinning Hoseok against the edge with his body and kissing his lips, lower bodies pressing against each other. The short moan that Hoseok released at the contact was easily caught with his lips. 

“Jump up, babe.”

Hoseok complied almost immediately, just leaning on his muscular arms and sliding up in slow motion, every single muscle bulging at the strain until his lower body touched the stone of the counter. Hyungwon immediately sucked his lower lip into his mouth at the sight, almost sure that he'd just fucking drool on the other man's thigh at the juiciness. Hoseok had no fucking idea how amazing he looked, sitting on the counter in Hyungwon's kitchen, completely naked and watching him attentively, just waiting for his next move eagerly. 

“Fuck, I don't even need breakfast seeing you like this,” he said as his hands squeezed the firm skin, loving every tiny motion that was easily identifiable with his fingertips. He let his index finger caress the sensitive skin of Hoseok’s inner thigh as his tongue licked over each area subsequently, to not interrupt the sensation. Licking back up to his outer thigh, he bit into the soft flesh, his own body reacting in a matter of seconds. 

Mere actions like satisfying another man were rarely sufficient to get Hyungwon going, but Hoseok had the ability to affect him even without touching him, starting with requesting condoms and sitting in the sauna and ending with sitting on a counter in front of him, ready to take every little bit of teasing he was going to drown him in. Shit, Hyungwon wanted to make him beg. 

Hoseok licked over his lips and stared down, eyes widened and observing every movement and reacting with small moans to every little touch. He leaned back on his arms to have a better view.

“Fuck, this feels so intense and you didn't even do anything much. My body is reacting to you like a drug I’m absolutely addicted to.”

Hyungwon bit into his thigh again, licking over the area to sooth it and moved lower, tongue gliding over his balls, taking each into his mouth separately, sucking on the skin. Releasing them, he licked along Hoseok’s shaft until the tip, where he placed a soft kiss. 

“I love the fact that a one night stand king like you gets hard after some licks and bites on his thighs. You're fucking hot, Hoseok,” Hyungwon breathed against the blonde‘s dick before he increased his teasing game, massaging Hoseok’s balls with one hand and slowly sucking at the tip with his mouth, sensation not enough to come but good enough to listen to the low moans leaving Hoseok’s lips. Hyungwon would have no problem with doing this for hours, just satisfying the other man and riling him up, so much that he'd want to be inside of him, independent of location. “Shit, you're so strong, you could probably fuck me anywhere.”

“I would do anything you want, Hyungwon.” He closed his eyes. “I sometimes get hard just by looking at your back while you move around or dance behind the DJ equipment.” Hoseok moaned loudly, not giving a shit about conduct anymore, grabbing a fist full of Hyungwon’s hair and pulling lightly. 

Holy shit. Hyungwon had felt wanted before but this was a whole new world. Hoseok was going Aladdin on him, showing him magic and shit. 

“Just by looking at me dance? Wow, and I thought I was struggling back in the sauna when I saw everything at once, covered in sweat drops and hot as fuck.” He slowly moved down Hoseok’s erection, sucking along the way, letting the other man lead him with his hand in his hair. He didn't pick up pace though, Hoseok wasn't gone enough for that.

After a few bobs of his head he let his erection go and stood up fully, opening the cupboard above the pianist and getting the bottle of lube and a condom from his secret stash behind the sugar. That shit was needed everywhere in the apartment and he was always prepared if nothing else. 

“I don't need much preparation, but do you want to do it yourself again or shall I do it quickly?”

“I want to do it. Don't you like my fingers? I thought I remembered how you liked it. Maybe you just have to show me again.” The blonde placed kisses all over his shoulders while talking, fingers curling around his thin waist and pressing his body closer. Hyungwon loved him so much. The combination of sweet and hot was just unreal, like a drug-induced daydream. 

It really felt like Hoseok was all his, displayed in front of him, legs spread and willing to do anything to please him. Shit, it was overwhelming to be at the receiving end of so much affection and trust. He kissed Hoseok’s lips and moved down again, placing the condom and the lube into Hoseok’s palm and taking his erection back into his mouth, sucking at the edge and dipping his tongue into the slit. Giving it a few kitten licks he glanced up. 

“You should know by now that I love every fucking thing about you. Haven't you realised yet?”

The other man ignored the question and pulled him up. 

“I want to do something for you too.” He cupped Hyungwon’s face in his palms and licked over his plump lower lip slowly. It would have been impossible to continue and not kiss back, so why bother? Hyungwon smiled into the kiss and stepped a little further between Hoseok’s spread legs, curling his arms around the pianist’s neck and licking into his mouth. 

“Well, what would you like to do for me, babe?”

Hoseok slid down the counter and turned their bodies such that Hyungwon was leaning against the cold stone. His soft lips placed kisses all over his shoulders, chest and lower stomach as the other man's muscular body moved down and Hoseok ended up on his knees in front of Hyungwon’s erection. 

“Lead me where you want me, babe.” Hoseok opened his mouth and looked up, eyes big and pink tongue licking over his lower lip. 

_ That little bitch. Fuck.  _

“You dick, learned from me, didn't you?” Hyungwon asked rhetorically and grabbed Hoseok’s hair with his right hand, soft strands almost like silk between his fingers. “Shit, you look amazing.”

Hyungwon had actually expected the other man to ask him what he wanted again, possibly resulting in him feeling man enough to tell Hoseok about rimming, but they had time and lots of opportunities for that.

He closed his eyes briefly, taking a deep breath before looking down again and pulling Hoseok’s head closer to his dick, panting in anticipation. He circled his fingers around his erection with his other hand and slowly slid it over the blonde’s lower lip. 

“Fuck, could you lick it before I fuck your mouth?” he hissed, closing his eyes for a few more seconds to deal with the image. 

The blonde complied immediately, licking over the shaft up to the tip, digging his tongue into the slit and looking up like a fucking tease. Shit, Hyungwon's self control was about to take a trip to a faraway island all on its own. He held his breath and slid in as far as he deemed comfortable for the blonde, testing it out a little before building up a rhythm. 

“Just tell me when it's too much because I doubt anyone ever fucked your mouth before,” he exhaled, smile playing on his lips because of the childish thought that he was doing something special, something no one else had done. 

The other man nodded, because speaking with a dick in one's mouth was admittedly difficult, twirling his tongue while Hyungwon was moving in and out of the space between the red lips. It was sufficient to give up his non-existent silent moaning, groaning loudly and cursing non stop. 

Hoseok’s mouth was heaven, warm and moist and so fucking eager, tongue constantly working to drive Hyungwon up the wall. Actually, he had wanted to make Hoseok beg, but here he was, wishing for the blonde to have mercy on him and finally fuck his ass on the kitchen counter. 

“Shit, Hoseok, much more of this and I'll come in your mouth,” Hyungwon groaned and buried his cock between Hoseok’s lips again. He felt the other man's throat constrict around him and pulled back, unwilling to choke Hoseok with a dick, as ironic as it might have been. “But I want you to fill me up first. Fuck, I think I'm already having withdrawal symptoms.”

Hyungwon had no fucking clue where Hoseok had put the lube after he had pressed it into his palm but he sure as hell hoped it wasn't far. He pulled at the blonde beauty’s hair to slide him off his dick. 

Hoseok let the erection slip out of his mouth, lips parted and coated in saliva. 

“I'm not done yet,” his low voice groaned and the blonde grabbed the lube, covering his fingers and licking over his tip again. Hoseok pressed a finger against Hyungwon’s entrance.

“Woah, wait, babe, let me get in position first or something. Fingering while standing is kinda difficult, no matter how experienced you are. A guy once tried while pressing me into a bathroom stall wall and bitch that sure wasn't comfortable, couldn't even lift my leg properly,” Hyungwon ranted and glanced back at Hoseok, realizing he was trailing off a little and the other probably had no idea why the fuck he talked about fingering sessions in bathroom stalls. Shit, talking while getting a blow job had been easier before. “What do you want me to do? Climb up? Lift my leg? Basically I'm just worried that I can't stand while you do it.”

Hoseok sat back on his calves and stared up. 

“I have no fucking idea and now I'm even more confused, just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it.” 

Hyungwon laughed, stroking Hoseok’s hair and loving how he wasn't even annoyed although he'd have told the guy to stick his dick somewhere else had it not been Hoseok. 

“If you finger me while I'm standing like this I might just fall over or permanently engrave the stone counter in my butt cheek because it's going to feel too fucking good. Your fingers are amazing, so I need some more stability. For example…” He heaved himself back on the counter and pulled Hoseok along, asking him to follow before he threw a long leg over his shoulder and held onto one of the cupboard handles. “Like this? Should be stable enough. Please give me your fingers and mouth, babe.”

Hoseok grabbed the thigh on his shoulder with one hand and moved the other hand between Hyungwon’s legs, pushing against his entrance while sliding down his erection, lips tight around it and tongue working mercilessly. Hyungwon was thankful for the cupboard handle he had decided to grab because his hands immediately pulled at it as he moaned. Hoseok hit dead on again, not even needing a second and sending spikes of pleasure throughout his body. 

“Fuck, Hoseok, yes. How the hell do you always hit?” It felt like he wasn't getting enough air, constantly holding his breath to focus on the sensation and not get distracted by something as overrated as oxygen. “Fuck, go faster.”

Hoseok was the fastest learner he had ever met. He did everything with absolute precision and perfect pace, picking the right time and combining the sensations in a way that seemed inhumanly perfect. 

“Fuck, I feel like you're playing me like your piano,” he gasped, one hand leaving the handle to bury itself in Hoseok’s hair and pull him further on top of him. His orgasm was already teasing him at the edges. 

“Shit, I feel like bursting and I just touched you,” Hoseok groaned after letting his erection slip out of his mouth. Hyungwon felt on fire, impatient and wanting to just drape Hoseok’s body all over him so he could finally feel him properly instead of just his fingers or mouth. The way the pianist spoke made it clear that he wanted him just as much. 

“Fuck me, Hoseok. Fucking now or I'm going to lose it.”

The blonde opened the package, rolled the condom over his erection and coated everything with lube. 

“How do you want me, babe?” A little smile appeared on his pale face. 

_ He’s teasing you although you're so fucking close to losing it. You should totally ride his dick into the sunset without letting him come someday, let him feel some real teasing.  _

“In-fucking-side me, Hoseok,” Hyungwon hissed, body still on fire and pushing Hoseok into him by burying his heel in the blonde’s back. “I think that's pretty straight forward unless you want me to bend over the kitchen table.” His eyes widened at the thought. “Fuck yes, please let me bend over the kitchen table. It's sturdy for a reason.”

“Do it then.” Hoseok stepped back a little, giving Hyungwon enough room to jump down the surface. He felt shaky just from the thought alone, using the pianist’s shoulders to stabilise himself as he slid down. 

Unable to resist he hugged him, pressing their lips together intently before he would lose the mesmerizing view of Hoseok’s beautiful face. Then he let go and quickly took a fluffy kitchen towel, placing it over the edge before smirking and leaning down, palms flat against the wooden surface and legs spread. He already felt the burning feeling of anticipation sliding down his back.

“Take what's yours, babe.” 

The other man's strong grip on his hips made him see stars already but a fucking unicorn exploded when Hoseok pushed himself in, slowly taking up every single cell of his body. 

“Fuck, fuck my life, you're like a fucking miracle, Won. I'm getting religious for you.” The blonde blabbered bullshit all over the place, obviously overwhelmed. Hyungwon chuckled, holding on to the table and unsure whether he could reply anything coherent in his current state of ‘oh my fucking god so full ‘. But still he tried. 

“Seriously, if after this you'll fuck a woman and think she's comparable to me you're lying,” he moaned and tried to push his ass further against Hoseok’s crotch, wanting to feel more and to motivate him to move, contracting around him purposefully.    
  
“It’s not, it’s not comparable. You’re the only person I’m able to feel anything with,” the blonde whispered barely audibly and started moving slowly. 

Hyungwon buried his nails in the table and held on as well as he could, body responding to every thrust and pushing against him, wanting to feel everything the other was offering him. He felt on fire, pleasure rushing through his veins along with the blood and numbing his senses, yearning for release but also for the feeling to never cease. 

Breathless but sane enough to act, he curled his right hand around his erection, stroking himself with the limited space available but basking in the novelty of the position. Hoseok had the ability to drive him up the wall with a simple caress of his back. Every spot the other man touched was on fire. 

“I won't hold on for much longer after your intense foreplay, Hoseok,” he gasped, biting his lip to reduce the noise at least a little bit, fighting off orgasm to know whether Hoseok was close enough. He wanted him to feel amazing, so affected that he couldn't say no anymore. Hyungwon wanted Hoseok to want him just as much as Hyungwon wanted him, so much that it felt like suffocating when he wasn't there, body constricting and begging for him like a crucial nutrient. 

“I'm going insane from the resources it takes not to come inside you, fuck,” the other's low voice groaned somewhere next to his ear before a hand went between his legs, removing his own and curling around his prominent erection, sending spikes through his body from the difference in perception. The blonde just knew how to move his hand right, fitting the rhythm and sending Hyungwon over the edge before he was even able to formulate it. His legs quivered and he screamed, one hand scratching over the surface of the wooden table as the other grasped the table edge with force, leaving tiny half-moon marks. His own heartbeat sounded deafening in his ears, the wet sound of skin against skin almost gone. He let his right hand glide over Hoseok’s firm ass absentmindedly.

“Come for me,” he murmured as soon as his voice returned, hand gripping Hoseok’s lower thigh and guiding him along, contracting around him to make it even better. Shit, he'd give Hoseok everything if he would ask for it. 

He didn't ask but moved a couple more times before he came and almost collapsed on top of Hyungwon, holding himself up against the table to not squish him, panting into his ear. 

“Fuck, do you think I'm weird for constantly wanting you to sleep with me? Is it a lot? I have no fucking idea. My only relationship consisted of gang bang parties,” Hyungwon breathed out and grabbed the package of tissues on the side, taking out a few and handing half to Hoseok, cleaning up a little. Luckily the kitchen had tiles. 

“I'm the weird one.” Hoseok pulled out slowly and helped to clean everything up. Hyungwon doubted that the coffee was still warm, but that's what microwaves were for. He pushed the cup in for a few seconds and released a shaky breath, leaning against the counter and watching the other man. 

“Why the fuck would you be weird? Looked like you were doing just great before I scared you with my self-harm.” 

“You didn't scare me.” Hoseok walked out of the kitchen and came back wearing black sweatpants and holding another pair in his hand. “Want to run around naked? Not that I would mind.” He smiled.

Hyungwon laughed, taking the pants and pulling them over his scrawny ass.

“I hate to feel cold, so nope. Unless I'm trying to impress, I'm definitely not running around naked,” he answered and grabbed the cup from the beeping microwave. Preparing another one he hinted at Hoseok to follow him out of the kitchen and into the living room. That is until he almost dropped both of the cups on the fucking carpet. 

On his couch was Lee Minhyuk in all his fucking glory, reading a fucking children's toy magazine. Hyungwon turned quickly to see if Hoseok was mentally stable for shit like this, worrying more about the blonde than himself. Minhyuk had pulled worse before and one might have said that Hyungwon was used to it. 

“Ready to hang out with me?” the redhead asked as he put the journal to the side in addition to a black pen that he had apparently marked things with, probably weird shit that he wanted to get for the kindergarten, turning colourful balls and all that junk.

“How long have you been here?” Hoseok’s face was so pale, Hyungwon could've held a piece of paper next to it and it would have had the same colour. Shit, so it was definitely too much. Hyungwon pushed one of the cups into his hand, hoping it would help at least a little. 

“Long enough to know that I didn't want to deal with a horny Hyungwon. He’s horrible when he's horny, so waiting was smarter. I see you decided to have mercy on his ass and returned?” Minhyuk smiled and stood up, giving both of them a quick hug and letting himself fall to the couch again. “It’s probably my fault, at least partially. I'm sorry, Hoseok.”

“No, it's not, it's not your fault at all. Thank you for talking to me back then.” A sad smile appeared on Hoseok’s face as he sat down on the couch and took a gulp of his coffee. Minhyuk frowned a little which was unusual and reserved for Hyungwon's fuck ups and people that were mean to kids only. 

“But apparently I said something that made you think Hyungwon would be able to try to tell people to leave by fucked up means. He doesn't do that shit, he just thinks he's worthless for some reason,” the redhead said and looked towards Hyungwon, gesturing for him to join them on the couch. 

“I'm still here, hi.” Hyungwon wanted to facepalm at the way Minhyuk just ignored him, talking to Hoseok while pretending he was an absent third person. Not giving a shit, he threw his best friend a death stare and sat on Hoseok’s lap, resting his legs over Minhyuk’s lap as well while curling his arms around the blonde’s neck. If he couldn't make Hoseok feel better with words he was going to try like that.

“It was nothing you said, really.” The blonde took another sip and rested one hand on Hyungwon’s thigh. Minhyuk only nodded slowly before rolling his eyes at Hyungwon's antics, who just buried his face in Hoseok’s neck. 

“Are you guys doing this on purpose to torture me? First you have steamy, vocal sex in the kitchen and then you even hang in each others arms when you know I'm there. You're basically lying on me, Hyungwon darling,” Minhyuk complained and pinched Hyungwon's thigh, making him yelp and pull it back. His best friend was such a dick sometimes, not letting him bask in having his boyfriend back. 

“I just want to know how to get my straight boy to like me back and whether you guys finally have a healthy relationship in which none of you bullshit all over the place.” It was audible how the smile dissipated towards the end. Minhyuk was being serious.

Hyungwon couldn't help feeling uncomfortable at the question, face still buried in Hoseok’s neck and breathing in a mixture of chocolate and sex. 

“I'll do my best,” he whispered into his skin, more to Hoseok than the redhead. The blonde stroked over Hyungwon’s hair tenderly, comforting him, as if Hoseok himself was the one who fucked up. It made no sense how all the positivity Hoseok had covered him in, wave after wave was suddenly gone, disappearing as if it had never been there in the first place. Something had hollowed it out and Hyungwon wanted to bring it back, no matter what. 

“You're kinda different, Hoseok. Why?” Minhyuk asked suddenly, attentive enough to see what Hyungwon had been seeing since Hoseok’s return. 

“Tired from the two week tour,” the pianist answered quickly and gulped his coffee down. “I'll brush my teeth.” Hoseok placed Hyungwon next to him like a puppy and walked to the bathroom leaving him and Minhyuk on the couch. 

“He's lying and you're going to go for afternoon coffee with me just like you promised, Chae Hyungwon,” his best friend said, basically crawling into Hyungwon's lap and stealing his coffee, taking a huge gulp as if it was okay. 

Which it was because Hyungwon had been a whole new level of asshole and forgot that he was supposed to meet him, completely thrown off by Hoseok returning.

“I'm sorry, Min, my brain went absolutely blank when I saw Hoseok’s shoes and his barely alive self in the bed,” he whispered, hugging the other man tightly and hoping to compensate somehow. Hoseok had really been only half of himself, physically and mentally. 

“Don't worry about it, darling, we'll still go and although Hoseok fucked your brains out I at least saw his dick, which was totally worth the blue balls.”

Hyungwon laughed loudly, not surprised by Minhyuk purposefully checking it out and feeling a little lighter. Luckily Hoseok had already gone to brush his teeth and most likely did it loudly enough despite the amazing acoustics. Standing up, he went to the bathroom quickly, placed a kiss on Hoseok’s cheek and told him about his plan. Then he threw a t-shirt over his slim chest before leaving the house, holding on to Minhyuk’s elbow. 

_ Distance is important, Hyungwon, maybe both of you will be able to clear your heads a little, know what you want and how to compromise it. You're not the only one in this relationship.  _

Both of them were no angels and needed to figure this out. 

Somehow. 

 

***

 

  
Hoseok hadn’t been joking when he told Hyungwon to prepare, seeing his weaknesses back when the beautiful black-haired man had confessed his love. Crying because he couldn’t play piano in front of other people was nothing against being the useless piece of shit lacking resolutions, attitude or mind control. The piece of shit that he was right now. It must’ve been pathetic enough for Hyungwon to jump him, twice.    
  
_ You said you wanted to see the void because you could swim? Instead you were watching how Hyungwon drowned in it, because of you. It’s your fucking fault.  _

His attitude of not giving a shit about appropriate distance in a relationship, and his lack of empathy towards Hyungwon’s scars from the past, led him to the situation where the other was forced to hurt himself, unable to deal with the demands Hoseok kept having.

_ You’re a selfish asshole, Hoseok and you always were, why are you even here? He deserves a person who can understand and take care of him, not you. You’re a fucking charity case. _ _   
_ _   
_ Hoseok needed to eat and to drink and to work out again, act as if everything was good, probably start pressing keys to leave the impression of a mediocre healthy person. One that he wasn’t but that he needed to be for Hyungwon to kick him out eventually, without having a guilty conscience.    
  
_ But you love him, Hoseok, why would you want to get kicked out? _ _   
_ _   
_ Because Hyungwon hurt himself, he did and it was because he thought that was what Hoseok had wanted to see.   
  
__ It’s your fucking fault, and you run around being impossibly close to him and thinking you have any fucking right to do so.   
  
The tiles of the bathroom wall were identical to the color of his face while he propped himself up against the sink. It wasn’t black and white, his fucked up situation was painted in colors, air smelling like the wet streets of Berlin and toothpaste tasting like dog shit with a hint of artificial mint. 

Everything sucked, he sucked, his decision making skills sucked and the way he dealt with problems sucked, but he needed a new phone to live his life, which was why he had asked Changkyun to get one because he didn’t think he would ever wake up and go out to buy one. His devoted best friend promised to come over and Hoseok needed to look remotely acceptable, pinching his cheeks twice for color and doing some push ups on the cold bathroom floor.    
  
The black-haired man threw himself on the leather couch and stared up, eyes big like plums.   
  
“Did you starve again? What was Kihyun doing, I thought you were together? I’m going to kill him.” Changkyun hit a small package against his thigh to emphasize the said words. Must’ve been the phone.   
  
“I tried my best. Can you give me the phone? I need to call Kihyun since he said a new schedule popped up in three weeks.” Hoseok stretched out a hand and smiled the best smile he could produce, which didn’t seem to impress the short man at all.   
  
“Are you still like this? I thought Hyungwon was the one who made you appreciate yourself. You were so fucking happy, Hoseok. What the fuck did he do for you to look like this? Where is he?” The other man's facial expression turned hard, a sign for packing out the uncomfortable stuff. Changkyun had let him be two weeks ago, just drying his tears but his state must’ve sent the sensitive man over the edge of his tolerance.    
  
“It was me, Kkung, it was my fault. I did something. I did and he just reacted in the only way he could. He was hurt because of me, really hurt.” The images started flooding his mind, blue bruises over Hyungwon's thin neck, his bloody lip, the way the black-haired man had tried to keep his composure and not slide down the wall and scream in pain. Fuck.    
  
“What’s with your face, did you eat? You look like you’ll faint any second.” Changkyun jumped up and dragged him to the couch to sit down. “I don’t care what you say, Hoseok. Why do you look like this? Did you kill his family or something? I doubt that. Everything else can be solved, believe me. Fuck, you need to take care of this, how are you going to play in three weeks?” His brown eyes slid over Hoseok’s white skin, the black pants and shirt only adding up to the contrast.   
  
“Play? Three weeks? What are you talking about? I am taking care of myself. I’m just tired from the tour.” He didn’t have any resources to fight it out.   
  
_ Maybe you should eat something so he stops asking. _ _   
_ _   
_ He stood up and went to the kitchen, taking a banana out and peeling it slowly while waiting for the other man to answer his questions. A small smile crept up his features at the realization that he had gotten the habit from Hyungwon, who was just living off fruit and sandwiches with questionable ingredients.    
  
“Because of the piano concert for the CD release. Kihyun told me about it, it’s in three weeks. The thing you did with Yoongi and the other guys from the piano department. And if you look like that, you won’t be able to move your fingers for 45 minutes like that, much less all the practicing. Are you kidding me? I know you, you’ll fucking faint.” Hoseok almost dropped the fucking banana. It was the worst possible thing to happen to him. He didn’t feel music and he wasn’t able to play and he had to perform. He had to perform for the first time in two years, after the disaster when he hid in the bathroom for half an hour before just pressing down the keys until it was finally over. Shit, holy fucking shit.   
  
_ Hoseok, you will ruin it. Hyungwon can’t help you this time and he won’t. Most importantly, you won’t fucking ask. _ _   
_ __   
“Fuck,” was the only thing he was able to say, sinking down on the sofa and looking blank, not even trying to hide his feelings or alternating his facial expressions. “It will be a shitshow.”    
  
Changkyun’s thin arms curled around his shoulders. The man immediately realized where this was going and tried to comfort him. It didn’t help, he wanted to curl up and die.    
  
“Bunny, you told me you can play when Hyungwon is around. He’ll help you and everything will be fine and you will play this classical music that one person with the strange name with a lot of consonants in it composed and you will rock our cochleas. I really want to see you play once too. Just once, without forcing you to eat or collecting your body from the ground afterwards. Please.” Changkyun’s low voice sounded so genuinely caring and emotional. 

His only friend was right, he had never been able to be a healthy human being when he had to play during the years he had studied. His best friend had truly seen the worst of him on a daily basis and kept collecting the remainings, glueing everything together and spending days and nights wiping tears and taking care of the drunken state he was in regularly. Unlike Hyungwon. The beautiful man had seen ten percent of Hoseok’s mental self and got hurt right after. Fuck.   
  
_ You’re like a destructive disease. Changkyun was probably not able to have a normal relationship because of you.  _   
  
Hoseok didn’t know whether it was the sudden, pathetic feeling of being at fault for everything around him, but the tears randomly started rolling down his cheeks.

_

 

The alcohol burned down his throat and seeped through his veins, setting every cell of his body on fire. Hoseok loved the feeling of being burned alive before the endless numbness took over and a black nothing swallowed his senses. The uncomfortable part was the next morning, being spit out as a huge ball of pain and suffering. But he was going to deal with that tomorrow, today he was drunk and more fine than when he was sober. 

Hoseok had avoided any kind of contact the past couple of days. Hyungwon had tried to wake him up or make him play or simply eat, but he had just acted as if he was fast asleep and nothing could wake him up. 

_ You fucking coward. You were afraid he'd jump you again, or even better, you'd jump him because you think you deserved feeling something. _

_ Don't shit yourself, you don't.  _

The key turned and the lock succumbed, door opening slowly and his body managed to fall into his apartment. He was at least able to come home, great success. 

Hoseok had no idea what time it was and also not what day it was. He vaguely remembered a woman sliding a tongue inside his mouth. Right, he had just grinned at her in a nasty manner and told her that he felt nothing and she should just go find someone else to have fun with. 

_ Amazing, you should be proud of yourself for not fucking her just because you could.  _

His legs didn't really do what he wanted them to do and his body ended up sliding down the wall to be able to untie the shoelaces on his black converse highs, fingers also giving up. 

_ You can't even untie your shoelaces, what piano... _

Hoseok somehow managed, muscle strength enough to push himself up and walk the rest of the steps towards the couch and let himself fall down on the smooth leather. It was dark. It felt nice. He didn't deserve to see colours anyway, darkness made him feel like he was exactly where he was supposed to be. 

_ Be happy that you're drunk enough to not jump Hyungwon if he decides to pity your pathetic state.  _

His eyelids covered the darkness, resulting in an even thicker blackness and the burning in his veins was the only thing that remained from the senses he wanted to get rid off so badly.

The distinct sound of a door handle and old wood scratching over parquet floors broke the silence. Hesitant steps, created by naked feet, slid over the ground until they were almost tangible, shaky breaths resounding from the direction of the hallway, probably already in the living room, close but still far. 

“Hoseok? Are you… alright?” The soft voice was unsure and laden with sleep but the obvious worry beat the exhaustion. There he was, low voice, long, skinny legs, beautiful, tender, vulnerable Chae Hyungwon. Hoseok just felt like crying. He wanted to just cry his eyes out and scream around about how everything was his fault and that the beautiful man should just throw him out and not let himself be touched by Hoseok again. Ever. 

“I guess. Was I loud? I'm sorry.” His voice sounded like a sad song in a charity gala. Fuck,  the level of pathetic rose with every word. 

Hyungwon shook his head with a smile, fingers grasping the door frame and body standing out in the darkness, oversized white shirt that he always slept in reflecting every tiny spec of light that graced it. 

“You weren't loud at all. It was just me being unable to fall asleep, waiting for you to come home.”

_ Fuck, you're making him suffer even without being next to him. Shit.  _

“Why the fuck would you do that?” Hoseok wasn't able to control the outburst, alcohol forcing his inhibitions to the back and letting something utterly basic take over his actions and words.

“I-” Hyungwon's eyes widened in shock, unfamiliar with the way Hoseok raised his voice at him, especially since they had whispered love confessions to one another, voices only soft or desperate. “I wanted to see you but you kept avoiding me so it seemed like the only way…” The black-haired man trailed off, his soft steps resuming and coming closer until he was standing right in front of him. His eyes were focused on Hoseok’s alcohol-poisoned body, fingers playing with the cuffs of his shirt and just waiting, not moving an inch. 

“But don't you feel better when I'm not there? Fuck, you should feel better, everything should've been amazing and you should've realized that you don't fucking need me.” Those shitty tears made him feel even more stupid, talking without any kind of sincerity and not even trying to sound as if he really meant it. 

Hands grasped his face almost immediately and weight settled on his lap, Hyungwon placing kisses along his face and touching his index finger lightly to his lips, silencing him. 

“That was one of the most idiotic things I have ever heard from those beautiful lips of yours, Hoseok.” Hyungwon brushed his lower lip against the digit and Hoseok’s mouth before continuing. “I told you, baby, I need you and I am still convinced that you need me too.”

A sigh left the beautiful man's mouth and he stroked over Hoseok’s head before wiping some of the tears with his thumb. 

“Where have you been and why did you drink so much? What happened in those two weeks that you were on tour?”

He choked on the air that he breathed. Liquid fear crawled up his intestines, up to his lungs, getting rid of the oxygen and pressing them together. 

_ Just tell him, tell him what you did, maybe he'll hate you and you won't have to explain further. _ _   
_ __   
“I was at the bar and I drank because it feels better than not being drunk,” Hoseok started and tried to somehow get away from the addicting touch the other man provided, but it was absolutely impossible with the slim body on his lap. “On tour? Nothing much, I sang, I drank, I cried and I fucked, the usual basically.” He tried to sound nonchalant but his voice gave out everything. Again.

Hyungwon’s thumb that had been caressing his cheek tentatively froze in motion and the other man looked up, staring at him with dark eyes. He had inhaled but it seemed like he had no intention to exhale, silence stretching and vulnerable expression returning to to the soft facial features, so unlike him.

“Why?”

_ Why? Because you tried to forget that it was your fucking fault. That everything that happened was your fault, coward.  _

Hoseok forced himself to look up properly, alcohol burning his stomach from the inside and adding up to the nausea that the change of facial expressions in the other man had caused. 

“I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to feel alone and I didn't want to feel pain, but it was in vain anyway. I don't deserve anything but that, shit.” Tears rolled down again and he looked down at his lap, cursing his eyes for being able to accommodate to darkness so fast and see everything although it was all black around them. 

Hyungwon chuckled, but it sounded strange. It wasn’t angry and it wasn’t really hurt either, just a little hollow, much like the way Hoseok had yearned to feel himself.

“We’re both a little fucked in the head, aren’t we?” His thumb resumed its path over Hoseok’s cheek, sliding over the wet paths and blurring them tenderly. “Seems like now we’re even, although that hasn’t really been the intention. I’m somehow sorry for making you feel this way, although I wish you would have expressed it differently or talked to me.”

Hoseok stared up, unable to process what the other man was saying, why he was being considerate and understanding, why he didn't slap Hoseok and told him to get the fuck out of his life. 

_ It's because he can't, why don't you understand that he'll just get hurt for you to fuck off. _

His arms curled around Hyungwon's thin waist and he pressed his half-naked body against himself, impossibly close, hands shaking and tears rolling down one after the other. 

“I'm so sorry, fuck, I'm so impossibly sorry that I made you hurt yourself. I'm just that greedy, selfish asshole wanting to know it all and not caring about anything else. Fuck, please don't get hurt, just hurt me, please hurt me. Fuck.” His body screamed along with his mind to release everything, to spill it all over the space, hands clenching onto the other man's sides, as if he was afraid to fall down if he let go. 

Hyungwon’s body tensed in his arms, hand shaking slightly before the other man lifted it and a sharp pain spread through Hoseok’s cheek, blood rushing to his ears and a tingling sensation spread from the hurt area to his jaw. The other man exhaled slowly.

“Better? I doubt it. That’s the problem with pain, you know? It doesn’t really solve anything. It numbs your senses for a little while and as long as it’s there you seem to be on a high, forgetting why you are hurting in the first place. But everything fades eventually and that’s when you feel just as rotten as you had before. It doesn’t solve anything, Hoseok, so I won’t be hurting you anymore,” Hyungwon whispered into his ear, cold hand soothing the area he had slapped viciously.    


“I don't know if there's a possibility to make it better. I'll keep demanding things from you and you'll end up wanting to hurt yourself. I wanted to give you space and not force my sick self onto you and look at me. Amazing job.” Hoseok chuckled in a scary way, no emotion in the sound, just opening his mouth and using the vocal cords so something came out. “You have no idea who the rotten one is, Hyungwon and that's the problem. You understand everything and have everything under control and I…” He stopped thinking about the things Changkyun had said but was unwilling to talk about any of this, possibly evoking even more pity. 

“Tell me, Hoseok.” Hyungwon curled his arms around his neck and pressed him closer, embracing him and placing a kiss on top of his head. “I’m not giving up on you even if you gave up on yourself, you know? Everybody needs someone to pick them back up when they faceplant and can’t stand up themselves. Can’t you let that person be me?”

“Changkyun was that person and he suffered for five years and couldn't have a proper relationship and when he had I just thought it was betrayal although he glued my shitty self together every fucking time. I'm not your cure, Hyungwon. I'm a fucking pest.” Everything became numb as the realization of the spoken words was fully perceived by his alcohol-polluted mind. 

_ That's the sad truth. Karma is a bitch.  _

Hyungwon put some space between the two of them, glancing down at Hoseok while chewing on his lower lip.  His thin fingers grasped his wrist and held onto it tightly, gaze determined but also caring somehow, like a tight embrace.

“I doubt that Changkyun would still be around if all of it hadn’t been worth it, Hoseok. I feel the same way. Everything might have come around to this...” He gestured around them with his free hand before resting it on Hoseok’s shoulders. “But I am still convinced that the good outweighs the bad. You don’t need to be my cure, Hoseok. You don’t need to be fucking anything except for next to me.” The other man swallowed and kissed him, lips wet from the remaining tears that had been staining his face before whispering his next words.

“Let me be the one to pick you back up, Hoseok, to glue you together, to grasp the little shards and put them back into their beautiful and complex puzzle. Please?”

“I'm scared. I'm scared that you'll leave,” Hoseok whispered with his eyes closed, trying to form a coherent sentence while putting all of him inside the short words. 

“I don’t want to leave and that is the main difference to what had happened to me before. I don’t want to leave you and I feel happy with you. I just feared that I’m not worth it, that you’ll realize that everything nice about me had been extinguished and I’m not beautiful enough on the inside to be loved back.” Hyungwon chuckled and looked up, probably focusing on his next words, voice a little shaky. “Rationally I know it’s bullshit. I swear I do. I’m great and all that and have so many things I managed and I have wonderful friends that care about me and even someone like you who loves me back, but there is always this tiny voice in my head that screams at me that I’m a worthless bitch. Funnily enough it even sounds more like my father than him, you know? It just...it has an effect on me.”

The words were heavy but Hyungwon’s expression seemed lighter and lighter the longer he talked, holding onto Hoseok’s shoulders as if he needed it.

“But I don’t really hear it much when I’m with you. You just kept overshadowing it when you were around me and you still are. But when I’m drunk and alone, all those things come to haunt me and I think the best thing I could do for myself…” The black-haired man glanced at him and a tiny smile graced his lips, contrast of the white fabric on his dark skin like an homage to the beauty of black and white. “And hopefully also for you...is to stay, Hoseok. I love you, I really do.”

Hoseok felt like falling from a really high building without any rope and security. It felt like the moment people opened the parachute, a second that decided the outcome. The situation felt similar. 

“I don't want to go. I don't want to leave and I don't want to stay away. I want to attach myself to you because you're sincerely the only person that makes me feel. My self-hate tells me that everything is my fault and that I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you and just deserve being alone forever. You're the opposite of loneliness and that's why I can't handle it. I can't, I want to know more about you, still, even after hurting you so much, fuck.” It felt intense, body and mind experiencing the same sensations in different ways, forming a wave that crushed over him in an instant. 

The black-haired man's lips that pressed to his neck softly, spread in a smile as Hyungwon caressed his hair. His body almost melted into his, reducing the distance and drowning Hoseok’s senses in his scent.

“What would you like to know, Hoseok? I’ll tell you everything. I feel like I might not be the only one with a voice that tells him nasty things...maybe we should just ignore it together?” Hyungwon beamed, smile genuine and real, not holding back and hesitation dissipating into thin air, darkness much less unsettling than it had been.

“I want to know everything about you again, from the start,” Hoseok whispered against his warm chest, overwhelmed by the proximity he yearned for so badly.

“So you want to write it all anew...from zero? Composing it the way you composed everything else about yourself until now?” Hyungwon murmured in response, eyes closed and head resting on Hoseok’s shoulder, just inhaling and exhaling calmly. 

“I want to, if you'll come back to me.” The beautiful man over him was everything that he had ever wanted, it was scary because there was no uncertainty about it. 

“Yes, if you’ll believe in me once more. Trust me to know what I’m doing and that I’ll do everything to improve, to not hurt myself and you,” Hyungwon muttered and curled his hands tightly around Hoseok’s wrists before sliding off his lap. “Let’s go to bed, Hoseok. You need rest and you’ll probably feel like shit tomorrow. I’ll be there to pick you up from the ground.”

Hoseok had no idea how he ended up with Hyungwon, what he did to deserve it, to deserve all those feelings the other man was willing to share with him, the care and the consideration, the love and the sincerity. He needed to become stronger, to be able to give Won back everything he deserved and more. The feeling of just attaching himself to the other was overwhelming. 

“Kiss. Can you kiss me once? Please.” Hoseok needed it, he felt as if the world would not continue turning until the beautiful person pressed his lips against his mouth. The ethereal being smiled softly, leaning towards him and tilting his chin up with his right hand, thumb brushing over his lower lip before he caught it with his own, kiss tender, brown orbs closing at the contact.

The major chord flew before his inner eye, seeping through his lungs and flowing through his veins, replacing alcohol and everything that had made him miserable a second ago. 

The music was back.

Hyungwon was back. 

_ You're worth it, Hoseok. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As we already mentioned, sex doesn't solve problems, but it can help break down barriers and in some cases also thinking patterns. The ride is going towards the end slowly. Thank you so much for reading on!!!!
> 
> Music reccommendations:
> 
> Halsey - Hold me down (striped)  
> Halsey - Sorry  
> Monsta X - From Zero
> 
> Next Update on February 1st at 4 PM CET.
> 
> We write one character each, also every interaction independend of the perspective.  
> @Hichanchen writes Hyungwon (and Minhyuk+Jooheon) and  
> @Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok (and Kihyun+Changkyun)
> 
> Hit us up on Twitter  
> @Hichanchen  
> @Smut_Hemingway
> 
> We are extremely happy about every comment and every click. You are one of the major reasons we write. (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	17. 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We’re a freakshow.”

Hyungwon’s emotional state bordered on desperation. It wasn't the type of desperation that took your breath away, fear and anxiety rising in your throat in the form of bile. All of that just at the thought of the only person that ever loved you the way you are, poisoning themselves with alcohol and attempting to fade into nothing. Hyungwon had gone through that already. He had fought it, opening up and formulating things he had never really put into words before, showing Hoseok his beliefs and dark sides and praying for the other man to let him be the one to pick him back up. 

And he did. Hoseok fucking did and Hyungwon had written ‘I deserve him’ on his right thigh with permanent marker as soon as he had stood up. He did it to snap out of it and finally accept it the way it was. Hoseok was going to let him in and love him back. They deserved each other and hopefully there would be a time when Hyungwon wouldn't require reminders, written in black ink on his body, to know it. 

_ Just get a tattoo, Hyungwon. You always wanted one.  _

It had been difficult to get used to the thought of being the one in control, the one who knew what he wanted and what to do. Hoseok had been so vulnerable, lying in his arms and lips touching his skin. Hyungwon's fingers had been raking through his beautiful, blonde hair until the other man had fallen asleep. His features were blissfully calm and he looked like an angel although neither of them was. 

_ Who cares, Hyungwon? No one knows what angels look like anyway. Maybe they are also beautiful despite being fucked in the head.  _

Hoseok remained sleeping on the bed, the only sign of life had been a groan when Hyungwon crawled out of his grasp and peeled the strong arms off his waist. It had felt like a physical battle and he had won in the end. So no, it wasn't the desperation or fear of losing a lover.

It was the desperation you felt when you had absolutely no knowledge of cooking whatsoever and attempted to squeeze out the barely present memory of how your mother had cooked hangover soup once. Just that you had neither been paying attention, nor had any strength for anything but inhaling that one soup back then.

It was sad, really. His mother had always cooked just to listen to his father telling her how disgusting and inferior it was, so of course there weren't many memories. She just hadn't cooked much and they had mostly ordered out. 

The thought of calling her and asking was just as ridiculous. He hadn't talked to them for the past two years. The last time was when he had been in hospital, unconscious and the doctors had been forced to contact his family. Back then Jooheon had already been more of a family than they were. 

_ You really hate them, don't you, Hyungwon? _

He sighed and took another glance at his phone, soup recipe opened and vaguely resembling the creation in front of him. The taste was okay too, just the colour was darker than intended. Either way, the point was to drink a lot and recover. If that didn't help he would have just made Hoseok swallow painkillers and call it a job well done. 

Entering the bedroom with the bowl of soup, he placed it on the bedside table carefully, before sitting down at the edge, watching Hoseok sleep peacefully. One arm was bent behind his head and the other stretched over the area where Hyungwon had slept. Hoseok was undressed because the pianist had insisted that he always slept naked. Only the thick blanket kept Hyungwon from having a perfect view.

Grinning he moved it to the side and caressed Hoseok’s stomach, his fingers dancing lower until they brushed the sensitive area of his inner thigh. Hoseok had always been rather affected whenever Hyungwon touched him there, similar to the areas behind his ears, smoothly transitioning to his neck. The blonde just squeezed his eyes shut some more and exhaled through his nose, not waking up.

_ Fair enough.  _

Smirking a little, Hyungwon crawled on top of the bed, sliding down along Hoseok’s body before he stopped at his crotch, licking over the other man's soft dick briefly prior to taking it into his mouth. The good thing about surprise blowjobs was that he could fit almost everything in, which was sure as hell not the case when Hoseok was fully erect. Sucking on the length, he looked up, watching the pianist’s facial expressions to figure out whether he was waking up yet.    
  
“What the fuck is happening? Did I die?” Hoseok stared down at him with huge eyes, like giant plates. It was cute. His hair was a mess, even more obvious now that he lifted his head from the bed. As Hyungwon’s mouth was rather occupied, he just smirked around the erection and deepthroated him without a warning, humming as soon as he felt the pressure against his throat. Releasing the other man’s dick with a lewd plop, he licked over Hoseok’s abs and bit into his thigh on his way back down.

“No, is this how you imagine the afterlife?” he asked with a grin.   
  
“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, Hyungwon, I’m dying, you nasty...oh god.” The sentence was cut in the middle and a loud moan escaped Hoseok’s mouth, hand raking through Hyungwon’s hair.

It was difficult to explain but something inside him screamed to make Hoseok crack, to deny him his orgasm and let him act on his own. He wanted to rile him up, but not the usual way while moaning and confessing his amazement with his actions and skills. No, Hyungwon wanted the blonde to pin him down and kiss him furiously, taking what he wanted with the perfect knowledge that Hyungwon desired it just as much. It was like a fight that he wanted to win. 

He wanted the blonde to act without fear of hurting him, he wanted the confidence to return just like it had been there when he had taken Hyungwon and carried him to the bed before ravishing his mouth. Damn, Hyungwon wanted him so much and he had only sucked his fucking dick. 

He closed his lips around Hoseok’s erection again, sucking on the tip with vigor until he let go just when it got good and slipped away from the bed, the other man’s hand leaving his hair.

“I made hangover soup. Want some?” The words were nice but he couldn’t keep the smirk off his face.   
  
“Come back,” Hoseok groaned, grabbing his wrist and pulling him back on the bed. So much to standing his ground. 

The smirk remained as he tried to slip away again, limbs crawling towards the edge with effort. Hoseok’s hands looked huge around his wrists, skin contrast fucking beautiful.

“But Hoseok, don’t you feel hungover and need something to inhale? Liquid for example.” Damn, Hyungwon was such a dick, teasing him with his voice but enjoying the sight nonetheless.   
  
“Are you kidding me? What hangover? You just had my dick in your mouth, all of it. At once. I want you. Now.” The blonde looked like a baby that wanted a candy but his voice sounded like a tiger warning its prey that shit was about to go down. Hyungwon loved every damn second of it, tingling sensation already spreading over his arms to his shoulders, adrenalin spiking up.

“Ah, I don’t know, babe, you are still so exhausted and all. I think I might need some more convincing.” He let his hand graze Hoseok’s erection demonstratively, collecting a drop of precum from the tip and taking his finger into his mouth smoothly, sucking on it. Sure, for some it might have been too much, but Hyungwon loved shocking. The more the merrier.   
  
Hoseok moaned with his mouth open, eyes staring right into his soul. Saying that Hyungwon wasn’t hard as a rock would have been the understatement of the year, shit.   
  
“You,” Hoseok’s low voice cut through the air, sound so strangely dangerous, sending spikes through his spine. “You want me to snap, don’t you?” The blonde tilted his head and leaned in closer, eyes narrowing and grip tightening on his wrist. 

Yes, Hyungwon wanted him to snap. Preferably not his wrist, but if that meant he’d fuck him into the next century then even that deserved a ‘fuck yes’.

He pouted for effect, knowing how sweet it made him look, paired with his naked legs. His index finger caressed his plump bottom lip before it returned to Hoseok’s thigh, dangerously close to his firm erection, drawing circles but not touching. His behaviour was obvious despite his acting, a hard cock said a lot more than a few lines. He was wearing his white sleeping shirt and his dick was straining against the fabric, lifting it lightly. And still he was holding back, teasing Hoseok like there was no tomorrow.

“I have absolutely no idea what you could possibly mean, babe. Maybe you should just show me?”   
  
“You want to see?” Hoseok let go of his wrist before a nasty smirk appeared on his face, body sliding down the bed before the fucker just walked out of the room, naked. 

_ Fuck. _

Hyungwon clenched his teeth, hands curling into fists at the edge of the bed and exhaling harshly. At some point in his calculations he had forgotten that if there had been someone who was sex-crazed among the two of them, then it was him. But he was also the one who loved holding off an orgasm for greater satisfaction in the end.

“Yes, I do,” he called after Hoseok, unsure whether he was going to return or not. When nothing happened he decided to follow him, getting rid of his underwear cause it just constrained him and made the whole thing much harder to take, fuck. Luckily his shirt was long enough.

The asshole just stood in the bathroom and brushed his teeth like in some kind of commercial. One for naked people with prominent erections brushing their teeth, if that was even a thing. A wide grin appeared on Hoseok’s face as he spit out the remaining toothpaste and dried his mouth.    


“Clean enough now?” Hyungwon asked while chewing on his cheek. He didn’t mean to sound pissy, but well. Hoseok brushing his teeth wasn’t really on his list of expectations when it came to riling people up.   
  
“Don’t know, maybe I should also take a shower, what do you think, babe?” His smile was so wicked. It looked beautiful and fucking nasty at the same time, Hyungwon didn’t know Hoseok could be that playful. 

_ Now we’re talking, babe. _

“Sure, I also haven’t showered yet. Maybe I could...you know...join?” Hyungwon smirked and leaned against the bathroom wall, lifting the side of his shirt with the fingertips of his right hand, revealing his upper thigh and part of his hip bone.   
  
“Feel free.” Hoseok acted all composed with that huge erection of his before stepping into the shower and turning the water on, not caring about the time it needed to heat up. It was difficult to tell at which point the line between wanting to get fucked and wanting to choke someone became blurred but Hyungwon felt strangely close to that point. It was almost graspable with his fingers.

_ There is no way in hell that he’s actually this composed, Hyungwon. He’s fucking playing with you. _

Hyungwon unbuttoned his shirt, letting it fall to the ground before walking towards the shower. He held a hand into it, making sure it was warm enough before joining, leaving some space between them and closing his eyes, water running over his face, relaxing his muscles. It didn’t last long. He was pinned against the cold tiles in a matter of seconds, Hoseok’s teeth sinking into his shoulder, one hand curling around his waist.   
  
“I want to fuck you up the same way you’re fucking me up. I want you to experience what kind of feeling that is,” the pianist’s low voice groaned into his wet skin, Hoseok’s hips pressing him further into the wall. 

“Oh my god,” Hyungwon muttered, sharp pain in his shoulder blurring his senses and heat of the other man’s body conflicting with the cold of the shower wall. Fuck, he wanted more of this. Hoseok didn’t even seem concerned about bruising his shoulder and in this context neither was he, fuck, it felt amazing.

But he never submitted that easily.

His fingers slid over Hoseok’s broad back until they reached his hips, trying to squeeze between the tightness of their bodies and grab the other man’s erection, play with his endurance while he still could.   
  
The blonde was busy placing kisses all over his chest and neck, sucking along his jaw and finally catching his plump lower lip in a deep kiss. Hoseok's tongue slid into his mouth and the other man's hand moved smoothly over his arm, down his sides and cupped his ass, squeezing it firmly. Shit, Hoseok’s hands were heaven and Hyungwon would have loved to see what they looked like against his ass. The kisses were leaving hot trails on his skin, perceptions of them lingering on his body, clouding his mind and letting his blood rush through his chest and shoulders. As he had intended, he finally curled a hand around Hoseok’s erection, squeezing it with just a tight circle of his index finger and thumb.

“I’m pretty sure you’re harder than me though, babe,” Hyungwon breathed against Hoseok’s lips before biting down on the lower one, keeping eye contact. The other man grinned back before peeling off Hyungwon’s hand carefully and sinking down to his knees.   
  
“We have to make it even though.” He licked his lips slowly while staring up, white skin and his defined muscular body, both on the floor for him, wet blonde bangs hanging a little into the beautiful man’s eyes, cheeks slightly pink. It was breathtaking beyond belief.

“Feel...free,” Hyungwon whispered, not even sure if it was loud enough to beat the constant dribbling of water on their bodies. He could have stopped breathing at that exact moment and it would have been absolutely fine. “You’re ethereal,  Hoseok, fuck. But I am still more experienced and you shouldn’t battle me on this. You’ll lose.”   
  
The grin got even wider.   
  
“But babe, I’m not battling, I’m just preparing you before it’s my turn.” There must’ve been a reason for Hoseok to be able to fuck around that much. It seemed as if he could be this cute, innocent human while hoarding every single piece of useful information inside his head, understanding what was going on and how to use it later. Hyungwon still remembered the demanding tone he had used on the woman which he had nailed into the mattress. But still the blonde did every-fucking-thing Hyungwon asked him for once his ass was involved, like a good boy.

Shit, Hyungwon wasn’t even able to imagine what the other would be able to do once he tried out his whole repertoire on him. His body already reacted although nothing had happened yet, dick twitching in front of Hoseok’s face like it was out to reveal all his affection and desire, pure need pulsing in his veins instead of blood. 

_ Traitor. _

“Oh my fucking god, I need to show you rimming someday. Shit, do whatever you want but do it right- fucking- now.”   
  
“Oh that, those two gay friends from my study program talked about it a lot.” Hoseok licked his lips again, tongue slowly sliding over the already wet, red mouth, face so close Hyungwon could feel every fucking exhale against his dick. Twitching was going to be the least of his problems if Hoseok didn’t continue soon.

“How can you be so fucking chill about all of this? I still don’t understand. For me liking dick was a straight-out epiphany,” Hyungwon whispered and grabbed some of the blonde hair, patience running out steadily and wish to just bury himself in Hoseok’s mouth almost overwhelming him. Talking could be both distracting and turning on and at this point he wanted to keep his endurance around for much longer than it was proposing.   
  
“I don’t like ‘dick’. I like you and you happen to have a dick, so I like your dick.” He smiled and opened his mouth, tongue flat, waiting for Hyungwon to move. 

“Shit, you want me to fuck your mouth, don’t you?” Hyungwon didn’t even bother to wait for an answer before pulling the other man’s head towards himself and letting his dick graze Hoseok’s lower lip, teasing himself before sliding in until he felt resistance. Fuck, he had most likely created a monster and he regretted absolutely nothing. “You feel amazing, babe.”   
  
The skilled tongue moved perfectly around his erection, pressing and licking over every sensitive spot repeatedly while he was busy sliding out and pushing in again. He got a little rougher, checking quickly whether Hoseok was still alright before closing his eyes. The feeling was too intense to constantly keep them open, his hand pulling stronger at the blonde strands and cursing repeatedly. His moans returned to him from the shower walls, filling out the room and riling him up further. Hoseok was way too good at this after such a short time. It was almost unfair.   
  
The blonde pressed against his thighs and released his erection, wiping his mouth and staring up with a grin, lips red like blood. They were in an amazing contrast to his white skin.    
  
“I love your fucked out face.” He stood up, without even propping himself up or anything, just like that. It looked like Hoseok’s body was that of a snake, moving smoothly and ready to attack anytime. Hyungwon really hoped that his ass was next on the list.

“I love it when you fuck me,” he answered with a smirk, despite feeling light from all the endorphins coursing through his body. His legs felt a little shaky and he grasped Hoseok’s shoulders to remain steady, biting his biceps and licking over it right after. Fuck, he was so hot. Hyungwon was amazed that he had managed to not only score someone who loved him back but also someone who looked like a double chocolate cake with a bazillion of cherries on top.

Hoseok was even hotter when he dirty talked. Hyungwon was always a talker and the nastier the better, but the blonde had only spoken about music until now and the undying wish to touch him. 

__ You probably don’t even know what you like more, do you?  
  
“I would just fuck you against the shower wall, but I don’t want it to be painful. You tell me how you want me and I’ll think about it.” Hoseok bit his shoulder tenderly and kissed the spot right after. “You teased me a lot today, I’m normally more composed. I can’t fucking think properly,” he groaned into Hyungwon’s neck. 

Gasping against the blonde’s hair he closed his eyes, trying to think and simply not giving a shit as long as Hoseok was getting closer to fucking him senseless.

“I don’t give a flying fuck as long as your beautiful dick ends up inside me, Hoseok,” he moaned and curled his arms around Hoseok’s neck, pressing himself closer and nibbling on his favourite spot behind the other man’s ear. “Shit, can’t you just fill me up already? Pain only sucks if it’s not paired with pleasure properly.” Biting was good wasn't it? Hoseok sure as hell wasn’t as vanilla as he presented himself sometimes.   
  
The blonde opened the glass door and grabbed a package of condoms and the lube that he had apparently placed on the sink. He was thorough, it was like planning a murder, everything perfectly coordinated. It seemed so different from the way they were intimate before, Hoseok just melting into everything instead of taking everything along to a fucking bathroom, obviously knowing what he would do. 

_ Shit, he knew you would shower with him and he’d fuck you after. You lost, Hyungwon. _

“You better make me forget my own name then, Hercules,” he said as he watched the other man get ready, stroking along his muscular arms, fingers following some prominent veins while a grin spread over his lips. “You could probably fuck me raw, question is whether you want to, being worried about pain and all.”    
  
“No, first I want you to scream because I’m going to show you my pianist fingers, and then I’ll give you the rest. Mind turning around?” Hoseok tilted his head to the right and smiled while he covered his fingers with lube. Water was water after all. 

“Fuck,” Hyungwon muttered before turning around at the speed of light, flattening his hands until his elbows against the wall and bending over a little, making it easier for the other man. No matter how many times Hyungwon had gotten fingered in his life, it had never been pleasurable to the degree that Hoseok evoked, and he would be damned if he’d miss a fucking second of that heavenly treatment. “Fuck me up, Hoseok, I love your fingers, shit. My body already goes on overdrive just at the mere thought.”   
  
He felt a warm, wet palm sliding slowly from his shoulders down to his lower back, fingers drawing circles while the other hand was already two fingers inside him finding the spot in a matter of seconds brushing over it and hitting roughly in succession. The skill that Hoseok had in his hands was bordering on some magical shit. Hyungwon barely avoided hitting his head against the shower wall, groaning loudly and pushing against this fingers inside him, wanting more of them and preferably deeper and fucking everywhere. His senses were leaving him rapidly and he felt himself getting a little delirious, moaning Hoseok’s name and scratching at the smooth tiles.

“Fuck, you’re driving me mad, Hoseok. It’s like everything’s burning, centering around your fingers and spreading out through my whole body. I want you so fucking much.”    
  
The other man leaned over and sunk his teeth into his shoulder, kissing the skin and adding another finger in the process.   
  
“I want you too, fuck, you’re the only thing I want, but I also want to make you see stars, all of them.” Hoseok’s low voice was impossibly close to his ear, half whispering those things, air hitting his earlobe and sending spikes through his body in addition to the impossibly intense sensations the skillful fingers provided.

Hyungwon had difficulties breathing properly, almost hyperventilating against the wall, moisture in the room adding up to the feeling. His throat was hoarse from moaning but he couldn’t stop, pleasure rushing through his blood.

“Try four, Hoseok, fuck, please try four,” he gasped and gave up, hitting his head against the shower wall and leaving it there, cold tiles almost like ice against his burning cheek. The other man complied, slowly adding another finger and placing kisses all over his back, biting here and there. It was impossible to tell where the kisses landed, everything forming into a huge wrecking ball of pleasure that kept building without releasing its inner coil, Hoseok’s hands taking his perception of reality and screwing it sideways. His legs felt weak and he feared that he would just collapse in the shower, overwhelmed by the pleasure and unable to stay in place, weight pressing into the wall for leverage.

“I’m losing my senses, Hoseok, shit,” he gasped and tried to open his eyes, but closed them immediately as soon as the blonde stabbed the spot inside of him and set his body ablaze.   
The fingers slipped out of him carefully, before a tender stroke against his cheek and an accompanying voice ripped through the blurry perception.   
  
“Can you hold yourself up or should I press you against the wall and you look me in the face while I lose my mind?” The other man's voice lacked any self control, previous composure gone and lust screaming out of every word. Hyungwon wasn’t even sure he had grasped the question, just panting with his eyes closed, failing to return his senses back into place.

“I just...feel so fucking empty now,” he murmured, unsure whether it answered the question, but Hoseok would have definitely figured that he needed to do something about that. Shit, he couldn’t think. He had never been so delirious but not afraid at the same time. It was almost like the drug-induced haze he had been in before, unable to perceive what was happening with his body and mixtures of pleasure and pain drowning him. Just that he loved Hoseok and wanted every fucking second of this. “I love you.”   
  
Strong arms turned him around and he faced the beautiful man, water drops looking like pearls against his pale skin, face so ethereally beautiful and perfect. Muscles flexed and his body was lifted up effortlessly, the blonde pinning him against the tiles firmly, but not painfully. He felt Hoseok pressing against his entrance as the strength in the other man’s arms faded smoothly and he basically sank onto his erection. 

Hyungwon screamed.   
  
“Oh my...fucking god,” he panted, eyes opening wide and taking in the whole picture, Hoseok’s face right in front of him, biting his lip and looking like personified sin, ready to take him to hell and damn if Hyungwon wasn't willing to follow. The slide was impossibly easy after all the preparation, not even the slightest discomfort and just raw pleasure. “Fuck, I feel so full. Fuck me like I know you want to, Hoseok.”   
  
Hands tightened around his thighs, lifting his ass up and letting it fall again, Hoseok’s impossible strength at it’s high catching him again and repeating the whole thing while moaning with his mouth open. The sounds got louder while the blonde obviously lost his mind, pressing Hyungwon against the tiles and moving his hips, roughly thrusting into him, biting and licking his wet skin. The thrill drove him mad but Hyungwon wasn’t willing to miss even a second of the look on Hoseok’s face, so beautifully blissed out. Unable to resist he tightened his arms around the blonde’s neck and kissed his open lips, inhaling his moans and nibbling, replying with his own sounds of pleasure.    
  
“I want to feel every cell of your body, you drive me so fucking crazy, Hyungwon.” Hoseok managed to moan into his mouth before detaching himself and letting him slide down. “Are you able to stand? I want to try that angle that you like so much.” 

_ Oh holy mother of god. _

Hyungwon nodded and gulped down the excess saliva in his mouth, licking over his lips and taking a few deep breaths to recover from the fact that Hoseok had just dropped him repeatedly on his erection and it felt like an epiphany.

“You mean the scuba-diving?” he asked with a smile and felt how his hands shivered as they stroked over the other man’s defined chest, following every firm muscle and unwilling to part. Hoseok nodded while his eyes slid up and down Hyungwon’s body, obviously affected by the sight. Well, it could only get better then.

Hyungwon bit his lip and turned slowly, placing his palms flat against the wall at about one two thirds of his height, leaning down and thereby bending over in front of Hoseok. Luckily he was never embarrassed when he was naked and about to get fucked into a shower wall. Hoseok placed his hands around the hips and slid in smoothly, immediately taking up pace and thrusting such that Hyungwon wasn’t sure whether his eyes were opened or closed.

He must have forgotten what it felt like when Hoseok gave him his full length in addition to precise movements, wish to come more and more prominent in his mind, almost desperate in its strength, building up at a fast pace with every thrust, waves crashing higher and higher, almost drowning him. The perceptions were surreal, like a dream, warm hands on his hips, spikes exploding in his lower body and shooting along his limbs.

“Fuck, Hoseok, I’m close and I feel like I’m falling apart. Give it to me, baby.”   
  
He went all out. Hoseok did. Hyungwon felt hands almost flying over the skin on his back, thrusts getting rougher but more precise, hitting exactly right and flooding his perceptions with impossible intensity. Strong fingers curling around his erection, applying pressure while the strong, low moans caressed his ears. He lost it almost immediately, vision blackening for a few seconds as the coil finally unraveled inside his lower stomach, bursting through his limbs and the sensation of losing control over his body opened his eyes wide as his knees gave out. Hoseok held him, as if knowing that he’d collapse, not surprised and placing a kiss on his shoulder.

“Oh my god,” Hyungwon gasped, pressing his hands hard into the shower wall, convinced that it would return the feeling of control and awareness that he had apparently lost, unable to focus but wishing to satisfy Hoseok. Taking a few deep breaths he opened his eyes, watching the water hit the tiles below him.

“Do you have kinks, Hoseok?” he asked slowly, pushing against the other man to make him feel good.   
  
“Yes, you, you’re my fucking kink. Fuck, I’m going to die like this,” he moaned at Hyungwon moving around him. Loving the effect it had on the other man, he contracted again. He wanted Hoseok to just take all of his body and be in control, dominate him while he could.

“Do you think you could...press me against the wall and fuck me until you come?”   
  
Thinking was obviously not Hoseok’s strong point, he just did it, holding him with one hand and pushing himself in while pressing Hyungwon’s body flat against the wall. He was over-sensitive but it still felt good, breathing harshly and focusing on the way Hoseok moved behind him, every gasp and moan robbing him further off his ability to think. The other man felt so impossibly close, bodies basically melting into each other, Hoseok’s warm lips caressing his neck and shoulder, before he released himself with a loud moan of Hyungwon’s name, paired with curses.

For the first time Hyungwon wished Hoseok hadn’t worn a condom.

He remained pressed against the wall, fogging over the tile in front of his face with his hot breath and wondering how he deserved someone as mesmerizing as Hoseok. He tended to be sappy after sex, but luckily no one could read thoughts and science wasn’t that far yet.

“I’m scared, Hoseok,” he murmured and hoped that Hoseok would remain like that for at least a few more minutes.   
  
“I’m selfish. I just want to have you and be with you and love you like a fucking sap and I honestly couldn’t give less fucks about anything else,” Hoseok murmured against his ear, breath ticklish but tolerable.

Hoseok had officially won the sappiness trophy. Congratulations.

“I actually meant because I’m such a sex addict and you might think it’s fucked up.” Hyungwon shivered a little, water becoming cold because they had used it all up. The blonde realized and curled his arms around his thin waist and left no room for water or air between their bodies.   
  
“Mhm, I don’t give a shit. I can’t help you with a healthy relationship to sex either. I don’t know how people stay together longer than for a night. Never experienced it before.” Hoseok seemed strangely sincere, standing under the lukewarm shower, basically part of Hyungwon’s body.

“I guess I am better off there. Had a few dates in high school and people I saw regularly, such that my parents wouldn’t find out. When I came to Berlin it kind of escalated and after that I just switched to one night stands or friends with benefits. Seemed easier.” The warmth was pleasant in addition to the soothing character Hoseok’s voice had. Everything felt like it was supposed to be like this, calm and honest.   
  
“I love you. I guess it’s a good description for what I think and feel when I’m with you. But actually the main point is that you’re the only person I don’t feel lonely with. It’s really strange.” The blonde exhaled sharply “Today you feel like a fucking Bach organ concerto by the way, blowing me the fuck away like a blaze.”

Hyungwon felt his eyes widen, realization dawning upon him. Hoseok was not only considering him the only person he wanted to be with, but also someone who made him feel music.

“You can feel music again?” It was impossible to hide the excitement in his voice, shockingly loud in the quiet bathroom that had only been filled with whispers and pants. “When you touch me or in general?”   
  
“It came back when you kissed me yesterday. My head is capable of some sick shit. I have to play a concerto in front of shitloads of people in two weeks and that reminds me that I’m a pile of shit with performance anxiety by the way.” Hoseok sighed as Hyungwon laughed and stroked over his hair from the back.

“I’ll just hide under the piano and touch your lap like a creep, stroking your thighs and distracting you while you play,” he said with a smile and pushed the blonde back a little, turning off the water and shivering almost immediately before pressing himself flat against Hoseok’s chest. “I’ll be your muse and you’ll be my personal heater.”

_ But he said he can play when you are there, who said that he can play when there are other people in addition to you? You’ll have to try it out eventually. _ _   
_ __   
“Let’s see how that goes, I’ll have to start practicing, fuck my life. And the muse and heater thing doesn’t sound fair to me. A muse is something you can’t replace.” Hoseok smiled and kissed him.   
  
Hyungwon had to pause, several thoughts fighting for attention in his head simultaneously. Hoseok appeared to take his words much more seriously than they had been intended, hinting at Hyungwon being irreplaceable. But was he though?

Just because one was at an emotional height it didn’t mean that feelings could never fade and would never become secondary to other emotions over time. It was even childish to assume that things would always remain the same, wasn’t it?

“But what makes you so sure that you can’t replace me, Hoseok? You can’t replace me now, I know that. But saying that I’m irreplaceable in general is too strong, isn’t it? Shouldn’t it be more like…” He paused to find the right formulation to express his thoughts. “More like something you appreciate greatly and love but even if it fades eventually you’ll move on just like with everything else. You could find a different muse, couldn’t you? Just like people find inspiration in different things, leaving one lover and being inspired by the next.”

It sounded harsh. Hyungwon sighed and placed a kiss on the other man’s mouth, meant as a reassurance.

“I’m not saying that I believe you will leave me or anything or that I will leave you. I’m just saying that all of this is not as simple as it might sound when you say that I am irreplaceable. I just want to...keep working on this I guess.”   
  
“You dummy, I didn’t say that you’re irreplaceable, or that feelings can’t change, I said that you’re my muse. You are still you even if everything changes. You’re special and you will remain special.” Hoseok sighed silently before continuing. “It’s like the last couple of weeks, everything changed, but you are still special, you were music, then you became pain, and now you’re just you.” A smile appeared on the other man’s face. “And that’s everything I want.”

Hyungwon felt a little dumb for having his worries. Hoseok was always capable of putting everything he felt into words so easily, be it musical or not.

“I feel so stupid. You’re out here doing all those amazing things, writing superb music, dealing with everything like a champ and my knees just give out at the slightest discomfort. Maybe you were right about insulting me in that newspaper. I think I really can’t compare and didn’t know you back then.” Hyungwon smiled as he tried to climb out of the shower without breaking his neck, grabbing a huge fluffy towel and curling it around his hips. As soon as he was remotely secure and warm he handed one to Hoseok, drying his skin and slipping back into his white shirt. It was going to be a pyjama day.   
  
“What the fuck are you talking about? Is it your first time meeting me? My head turned off my senses because I can’t handle feeling guilty. Maybe I have to show you myself properly so you know who you’re dealing with.” Hoseok’s mouth was slightly open in surprise.

“I just love you too much and filter out all the bad stuff I think. I like you no matter what, but please show me. I’ll show you too.” He laughed and just hugged Hoseok in his semi-dried state, towel moving over his back and not giving a shit that he was dressed already. “But you will probably get weirded out a little.”   
  
The blonde just shook his head in disbelief, curling his strong arms around him and placing a kiss on his shoulder.   
  
“We’re a freakshow.”

They were, but somehow Hyungwon couldn't give a single shit at that moment.

“A hot freakshow though.”   
  


  
  


***

 

  
Pain was a necessary part in every human's life. Hoseok thought about it a lot, especially after Hyungwon had slapped him and talked about how it just numbed and distracted from the actual problem. But pain was also something that made the feeling of happiness more prominent and intense. That was probably one of the reasons he behaved so free and happy, feeling music and being with the beautiful black-haired man again.

He had let go, he really did, not caring about anything and just doing what his body and mind wanted. Hyungwon, he wanted Hyungwon and he took him. Being overly sensitive and considerate was just not his style. Won wanted him too, so there was absolutely nothing that could've stopped him.

His mind was busy thinking about a way to play in front of people without losing his shit. He had practised for a couple of days already, neglecting Hyungwon a little bit, the other man being sulky about it and trying to shift his attention with all kinds of childish and sexually loaded actions. It was cute, so incredibly cute that Hoseok had major trouble resisting, feeling his resources fade every time the tall, lean body appeared in the door frame wearing one of his white button-up shirts with absolutely nothing under it, smirking at him. Shit, Chae Hyungwon was a drug, an extremely addicting drug that came for you even if you tried to stay away.

He loved him. If Hoseok thought about things that made him happy, sad, angry, overwhelmed or exited, Hyungwon was always the major part of those experiences, inducing or suppressing them, tickling out the intimate core of his personality that he kept behind huge walls of not giving a single fuck. When Hyungwon had agreed to come back to him, Hoseok promised himself not to act, but to say what he thought and to show the other man everything even if it was scary or selfish.

Hyungwon was everything he had ever wanted.

The ethereal black-haired man had worked hard on his self destructive tendencies, keeping Hoseok close and always talking about negative thoughts that eventually crossed his mind every now and then. Sure, Hoseok wasn't qualified and also not a psychologist, but he felt so much towards him. He wanted Hyungwon to feel loved and appreciated for who he was.   
  
The day had started of nicely, he had drunk a bucket of coffee and played for three hours straight. Kihyun had called and wanted to come over to go through the organizational stuff for the piano performance and the schedules for the next weeks, as Hoseok didn’t want to leave the house.   
  
The short man took a look around before sitting down on the leather couch, opening his laptop case and lifting the lid. After typing in his password he corrected the position of his glasses and stared up.   
  
“So, I sent you the cue sheet but I could bet my balls you didn’t even open it. Am I right?” His voice didn’t sound angry, just a little accusatory.   
  
“Yup, I just hope I won’t faint. This is the first time performing in one and a half years.” Hoseok smiled and took a seat next to Kihyun, looking over the documents the other man had opened on his laptop screen.

As if knowing his rising discomfort Hyungwon appeared from the kitchen, wearing dark blue, ripped jeans and a black button-down, gigantic cup in his hand which he placed on the living room table in front of Hoseok.

“I thought you'd be stressed. It's not coffee cause you drank too much already, but I hope a hot chocolate is also good, warming up the insides and all that buzz,” the black-haired man remarked and glanced at Kihyun quickly before smiling and squeezing Hoseok’s shoulder in support as he sat down on the armrest.   
  
“Thanks, babe.” Hoseok smiled at the caring attitude and the way Hyungwon’s eyes lit up after he heard the pet name. Not hesitating much, the taller man leaned down, grabbing Hoseok’s chin for stability and placed a kiss on his lips before winking and disappearing in the hallway.

“Just tell me when you need my fabulous ass to show him how your playing makes everyone bust a nut,” he called after them and Hoseok could clearly hear the smirk in his tone.   
  
“What the fuck was that?” Kihyun whispered, eyes big like plates and prominent blush on his face.   
  
“What?” He remembered that he hadn't told his manager about living with the DJ who had ruined his sleep for a week and also not that Hoseok was kind of involved with him. The kind of involved where you lived together, made out on crowded streets and fucked in the shower. “Ah Hyungwon? I love him.”   
  
“What?” The black-haired man looked how people look after you stab them in the eye. At least that’s how Hoseok imagined people looking after getting stabbed in the eye.   
  
“We’re living together and I love him.” What was there to misunderstand? Why did people always need shit loads of time to accept simple facts? The manager exhaled sharply, sucking in a long breath before he continued talking.   
  
“So you’re telling me  _ now _ , after all those weeks, that you are living with a famous DJ, the one who insulted you in public? And you’re telling me you are in a relationship with him? What the fuck is going on, Hoseok? Are you crazy? Are you on drugs?” The man exhaled again and closed his eyes. “Nevermind, you’re just mental. Why am I even asking? Who knows about it?”   
  
“Uhm, don’t know. Everyone? I didn’t try to hide it or anything. But I’m fine like that. I’m happy as fuck.” He smiled brightly to emphasize his words, not sure whether Kihyun even cared. Probably not.   
  
“You mean everybody knows, but me, your manager?! Hoseok, you make me want to punch you.” Small but very manly hands went towards his neck but stopped in the middle and grabbed his wrist suddenly. The man stared into his soul with those nasty, long eyes of his, smile spreading on his face. Wow, that was a whole new level of getting creeped out by Kihyun.    
“Actually, it’s amazing. The company had pestered me to organize a collaboration with a DJ, but you’re such a mental fuck that it’s seriously hard. But now we could get him! He never does anything like that, it’ll be amazing.”   
  
Sure, what did he expect? Kihyun not making business out of everything? He remembered that one time the other man had tried to convince him to do a nude photoshoot for an adult magazine, appealing to his non-existent attitude towards everything after seeing his dick in a public bathroom.

Steps sounded at the door again, Hyungwon reappearing, this time with a plate that had some stuff on it and a cup.

“Hoseok has no social conduct and didn't offer you anything, so I prepared some stuff.” The beautiful man took Kihyun’s hand, peeling it away from Hoseok and putting a cup filled with coffee into it. The plate that he put on the table was covered with a peeled banana, an apple cut into four pieces and a bunch of grapes. “I made some fruit salad too.”   
  
“You and your fruit salad.” Hoseok started laughing at the so-called salad consisting of peeled fruit lying next to each other. It could’ve also been an unpeeled banana.   


“Bitch, it'll all be mixed in your stomach anyway,” Hyungwon pointed out and rolled his eyes. “But yeah, anything else you guys need before I fuck off to produce some music? In the studio this time.”   
  
Hoseok pouted visibly at the mention of Hyungwon leaving. He didn’t want him to leave. He didn’t want to work, he hated work, he hated everything. Saying bye and trying to concentrate on the absolute boredom Kihyun was showering him with, about tuxedos and directions from which he should walk towards the piano to sit down, Hoseok just wished he could play without having to experience the disgusting feeling of dread seeping through his skin and spreading all over his body.   
  
_

  
  
The Liszt piece was beautiful, it really was, especially if someone played it who was able to feel every chord, which he didn’t. At least not if Hyungwon was not sitting next to him. It was okay, it really was. He wasn’t delusional. It sounded very professional and accurate, the pace perfect and without a single mistake. He had even recorded it on his phone to make sure that he got everything right. But something was missing. Hyungwon was missing. He was missing Hyungwon.   
  
_ Yes, that sounds more like the truth. You just can’t handle being apart from him for even an hour although you neglected him for almost a week. _ _   
_ __   
The beautiful black-haired man had a producing session and hadn’t answered his messages yet. He wanted him to come back. 

Hoseok closed his eyes and pressed a black key, then a white key. His fingers slid over the whole width of the piano, pressing white and black keys in succession, remembering how Hyungwon’s eyes had looked like the last time they had seen each other, how the plump lips surrounded his beautiful, white teeth when the ethereal man smiled. Everything felt so incredibly precious, the absolute opposite of the way life felt before he had met Hyungwon. Each behavioral clue, gesture and sound took a special place in his memory, slowly filling the empty void he had created while trying to stay away.   
  
_ What did you even do it for? And who did you do it for? Why? _ _   
_ __   
He couldn’t remember anymore. Just that the reality was beautiful, meaningful and so worth living for. As long as Hyungwon was the major part of it. The melody his fingers evoked changed a little, just like his thoughts did. Playing piano was always the best method for expressing his thoughts and feelings. It almost resembled a language, one that nobody else was able to understand.

Soft hands rested on his shoulders, weight present but not pressing him down in the slightest, rather the opposite, melody picking up pace as if it was released from invisible chains. Hyungwon pressed his chest against Hoseok’s back and placed a tender kiss on his head.

“Practising? Sounds like something new to me.”   
  
Hoseok played a couple of ending chords before turning around slowly. Every piece should always have a proper ending.   
  
“Just some thoughts, nothing special. Why didn’t you answer my messages? I thought something had happened. Like a worried mom.” He chuckled at the comparison and slid a finger over the other man's beautiful face, tracing his jaw and placing a soft kiss on his plump lips. Hyungwon chuckled too, but looked at little uncomfortable with the comparison, looking to the side and putting some space between them as he lifted his rather sweaty shirt away from his body.

“You’re nothing against my mom, Hoseok. Either way, I gotta take a shower since I was smart enough to shake my ass like crazy while making the beat, can’t help it.” His grin turned more carefree and he undid the first few buttons of his shirt. “The piece sounded nice, you might consider it for something.”   
  
“Consider it? For what?” Hoseok didn’t quite get it and Hyungwon’s long fingers undoing the buttons didn’t help his cognitive struggle at all. “Almost everything you produce sounds nice, super lit and really rhythmical. I love dancing to it,” he added before closing his eyes briefly because of the last rays of sunshine shining through the big windows and painting the whole room in a red-yellow colour, so beautifully reflected on Hyungwon’s golden skin.   
  
_ Damn.  _

_ This man is like the Beethoven of aesthetics. _   
  
“I meant that when you write a new composition, which you should cause you kick ass, the melody you played when I came in might be good for it.” Hyungwon chuckled again before his eyebrow rose and he smirked. “Why do you look so out of it? I thought you stopped playing already.”   
  
“You’re the Beethoven of aesthetics.” Why think if one could also say everything out loud? “Please don’t undress here. I’m going to die, thank you very much,” he added, suffering from the increasing amount of beautiful, sweaty skin Hyungwon showed with every additional movement of his skilled fingers. _   
_ __   
As requested the black-haired man paused undoing the button of his jeans, shirt already loose on his chest and stared at Hoseok, obviously in thought.

“I’m not even sure whether I can say anything sarcastic about being called Beethoven except that it might mean I’m old with fake hair and hearing loss, which could be an insult to my DJing abilities. But I’ll just assume that you are telling me I am mindblowingly pretty.” Those plump lips spread in a wide smile and Hyungwon’s eyes turned into crescents as he blew him a kiss and walked in the direction of the bathroom. “I’ll be right back, just practise some more in the meantime.”   
  
Hoseok wondered how the urge to punch the other man turned into an overflowing, mind blowing wreckingball of love in a matter of weeks. He was indeed beautiful, damn he sure as fuck was.    


He placed his fingers over the keys again and started another melody, this time with the focus on distracting himself from the triggering sight Hyungwon had blessed him with a couple of minutes ago.  
  
An unfamiliar sound ripped through the melody, not blending into the chords and breaking his concentration, stemming from a corner of the living room. Although Hoseok continued playing it didn’t stop, insistent and unpleasant to the ears.   
  
_ It’s the phone. _ _   
_ __   
That was plain strange, as basically no-one had ever called them on their home phone, everything normally going through their mobile phones. Hoseok walked over to the direction the sound was coming from and found the station, picking up the phone.   
  
“Mhm?” He expected the other person to know where they called and tell him what he or she wanted. It didn’t even take a second before a low voice began speaking to him in Korean, catching him off guard.

“Don’t you consider it absolutely disrespectful to not even call once over the duration of several months, in addition to the rather obvious and, as I am sure, deliberate inability to pick up the phone?” The tone was calm although the words indicated that the person was definitive angry, fucking furious even.    
  
“Wow. Uhm, who is this?” Hoseok tried to wake up his horrendously rusty Korean with American accent from years ago. He grew up in the US, and just like Changkyun always said, why the fuck was Korean so hard?

The man on the other end cleared his throat before he switched into formal Korean.

“You are speaking to Chae Hyungwon’s father and as far as I am aware he is not living with anybody who must have grown up in the United States. Who am I speaking to?” Well shit, it was Hyungwon’s dad. Hoseok thought for a couple seconds before answering in the best formal language he could bring himself to.    
  
“My name is Hoseok, what can I do for you, Chae Hyungwon’s father? Hyungwon is showering.” He sounded like an idiot. Damn, language proficiency did have an impact on the impression other people had of your cognitive abilities.

“That depends solely on who exactly you are, Hoseok, and why you are in my son’s apartment,” the man answered and cleared his throat again. Damn, what was boyfriend in Korean again?   
  
“I am Hyugwon’s husband. We are living together.” The mistake was clear after he had already spoken, fuck, he should’ve talked in his mother tongue more often.

The silence felt deadly, Hyungwon’s father sucking in a breath as something moved on the other line.

“So Hyungwon did not only not pick up the phone, but considered it appropriate to get married in the meantime? To not only a man, but someone who is not even capable of speaking the most basic Korean. Why am I not surprised? How did you manage to get Hyungwon into such a relationship if a marriage of your, rather disgusting, kind is not even legal in Germany?” The other man spit the words with such loathing that it was surprising he still talked to him, every word drenched in such hatred one might have believed Hoseok eradicated his race. 

He didn’t even know what kind of relationship the angry man was talking about but this surpassed his abilities. He switched to English which he felt most comfortable with and shot.   
  
“Listen, Hyungwon’s dad. I meant boyfriend, okay? Not husband. My Korean is indeed bad, point for you. I’m not disgusting, Hyungwon is not disgusting, the only disgusting thing is that tone you’re talking to me in. Furthermore, Germany is amazing and a beautiful man can marry another beautiful man and it’s some magical gay shit right here. I’m proud and you should be too. Your son is amazing, thank you very much for raising such an ethereal human. Another point for you. Should I tell him something from you? Don’t bother if it’s nothing nice though.” Fuck, liberty of being proficient in English showed a different personality than his broken Korean.   
  
Hyungwon walked into the living room in a huge white sweater and a towel which he used to dry his hair, looking surprised and mouthing ‘who is that?’ at Hoseok, eyebrow raised. His father used the time to answer in Korean as he had before.

“I would like to ask my son about his well-being independent of your opinion, so I would appreciate it if you would give him the phone, Hoseok.”   
  
He looked over to Hyungwon, not sure whether the other man wanted to talk to that kind of person in the first place.    
  
“It might be your dad. Want to talk to him?” Hoseok held the microphone shut and looked the beautiful man in the eyes to determine the reaction properly. Hyungwon’s brown orbs widened and he stretched out his arm immediately, ripping the phone out of Hoseok’s hand before opening the battery case and pulling them out, throwing all single parts on the couch, face panic-stricken.

“What did he say?” he breathed out.   
  
The reaction was understandable after the rather angry tone and intolerant bullshit his father was trying to talk about. Hoseok walked over and curled his arms around Hyungwon's thin body, placing a small kiss on his shoulder.   
  
“Shit, my Korean is that of a five-year-old kid with insufficient cognitive abilities. I’m afraid I told him some nasty stuff, in English. Want me to call back and apologize? I don’t want to though.” Hoseok sincerely hoped that he didn’t have to talk to the angry man again. Hyungwon’s arms remained limp at his sides as he stared at Hoseok as if he had grown a second head.

“What did you tell him, Hoseok? In English I mean.”

“I told him about you being an amazing person, thanking him for raising you, to reflect on his tone when speaking to strangers and a homage on German laws for homosexuals. Something like that,” he whispered into Hyungwon’s ear while stroking his head as the other man seemed pretty much out of it.

“Hoseok…” the other began as he took a deep breath and hugged him back carefully. ”What do you mean by a homage to German laws on homosexuals and why the hell was that even relevant?”    
  
“Why is he so angry at you?” Hoseok ignored the question, not getting the relevance and wishing to concentrate on the much more important answer. Hyungwon groaned and looked to the ceiling briefly before basically throwing his head onto Hoseok’s shoulder.

“Because he’s catholic as fuck, traditional as fuck, a successful businessman and convinced that homosexuality is something invented by the evil westerners to have crazy ass sex orgies, no pun intended. He thinks I’m shitting him since I came to Germany and he’s waiting for me to get married to some random Korean girl with a successful dad, so that he can feel like he’s done his fucking job. Funnily enough being gay is the main reason I came here. Oops.” The sarcasm was drowning each word as Hyungwon just let everything leave his mouth in quick succession, breathing in Hoseok’s scent, arms tightening around his shoulders. He pressed Hyungwon closer and continued to stroke his head. The other smelled like vanilla, fresh out of the shower and hair still wet.   
  
“Too bad for him then. People should never be sheltered from the uncomfortable truth. You are living, so deal with the fucking reality, even if it sucks. I’m sorry but he said stuff to me about you and I told him to reflect on that. Parents often think they know the way their children should grow up and what kind of people they should become, not giving a shit whether the kid or the grown-up person is interested in that amazingly considerate opinion. I was rather problematic as a kid, so my parents tried to ignore it or remove the problem as soon as possible using money. And now I can feel music.” Hoseok started laughing at his own sarcastic comment.

Hyungwon swallowed carefully and brushed a stray strand from Hoseok’s face although it seemed like he just wanted to have something to occupy his hands with, playing with the fabric right next to Hoseok’s neck right after.

“You’re 24, Hoseok and talk like you survived the second world war. How can you be cute and then spurt all this intellectual shit? I wasn’t problematic at all. I just tried to stay low so I could finally fuck off because it wouldn’t have helped either way. They just got more and more intrusive, making sure I’m never alone with anybody and shit. All that fun stuff,” Hyungwon muttered with a short laugh and placed a kiss against Hoseok’s lips. “I like that you feel music. You should play for me again.”   
  
They were like two opposite poles, even their childhoods were absolutely different from each other. But they both ended up alone in the end, that was something they had in common.   
  
“I will. I grew up by myself. I had to learn about what’s right and wrong by myself and music was my only friend. That sounds disturbing and cheesy but that was my life until a couple of weeks ago.” He buried his head in the crook of the other man’s neck, nose touching the moist skin and breathing harshly from the memories flooding his brain and evoking uncomfortable thoughts. “That’s why I always say whatever. Because a piano doesn’t argue with one’s point of view, you know?” He smiled a bitter smile.

“Holy shit, Hoseok. Last time you told me I-” Hyungwon paused and squeezed Hoseok tighter, leaving less space between them. “I somehow thought it was a metaphor for loneliness, but you actually meant it. Oh god.” The other man’s long fingers caressed his back until they reached his neck, stroking the back of his head and over his hair repeatedly.

“Well, you had music and I had my pretty face. It surely got me places, seeing the exciting world and all that. You know, that’s why I actually prefer wearing hoodies when I DJ. When I started out no one knew what I looked like,” Hyungwon whispered and put some space between them, looking Hoseok in the eyes intently, as if he was trying to search for something.   
  
“Don’t like being beautiful?” Hoseok asked, staring back while unpleasant memories started crawling up his consciousness. Hyungwon hummed in thought, looking to the side before smiling a little, the fake one he liked to do.

“I didn’t mind too much before, since people give you things easily, more candy at the store, free things because you are especially pretty and all that. But it got me into a lot of trouble when I got here and decided to just throw myself on the market, do whatever and not listen to my parents now that I finally could. It was dumb.” He sighed.  
  
“I’m not saying it because I suppose that you had the bruises on your face two times because of that and also not because I suppose that you wanted me to slap you because of that. Hyungwon, I was mesmerized by something entirely different from your outer appearance. Of course you are beautiful, but I wouldn’t care if you weren't.” Hoseok exhaled after saying the emotionally loaded words, trying to remain composed but losing his shit with every passing second, the look in the other man’s eyes adding up to the loss.

“I didn’t get bruised or wished to be slapped to not be beautiful. I wanted to be bruised because bruises stayed longer than people do, Hoseok,” the black-haired man murmured with the same fake smile before his eyes widened. “I mean they stayed longer than people did, fuck. It’s hard to remind myself all the time. Did, definitely did. It was the kind of love I received before.”    
  
“I’ll give you more than that. I’ll try to.” He smiled in reassurance and kissed the other's beautiful lips. Hyungwon responded with a smile of his own, biting down on Hoseok’s lower lip before he placed a kiss on his nose and pulled him towards the piano.

“There is one thing I am still amazed by, Hoseok. You say you only had the piano and that you used other things to compensate for loneliness, such as alcohol and sex. We are similar there I guess, but how come you never got into drugs? Wouldn’t it have been so fucking easy?” Hyungwon leaned against the instrument, close to the stool and hands resting on his thighs, genuine curiosity on his face.   
  
“You need friends to take drugs.” Hoseok chuckled.

“Or boyfriends with a preference for rape,” Hyungwon pointed out and rolled his eyes, unaware of the fact that his random outbursts of such facts were not as ordinary as they seemed to him. “Will you play for me, or do you feel pressured? You are able to make me relax when you play and I kinda want to stop thinking about the fact that I know you and also what you might have told my dad. He speaks English, so you can bet that he understood.” He suddenly laughed. “I’m kinda happy although I’ll probably get shit about it later, if I pick up the phone that is.”   
  
“I’m sorry that I just told him whatever, my ignorance keeps biting me in the ass. I might play for you but I want to kiss you first because I missed you so much and hated everything.” He didn’t even try to control his emotional outburst. What for? Hyungwon could see it written all over his face anyway. 

“I like that you told him whatever. We’ll just disconnect the phone, or rather you ‘cause I can’t fucking do it. Come here, babe,” his muse said and stretched out his arms, smiling brightly as if he just waited for Hoseok to request the closeness. “I missed you too and I love it when you’re so genuine about your emotions.”   
  
The other man didn’t have to ask twice as his body almost clashed against Hyungwon's warm skin, sucking in his vanilla scent and hands exploring the beautiful body again and again, as if it was the first time, lips touching and mouth opening at the contact. 

Hyungwon leaned further back against the piano and kissed back intendly, like he had also been starving for attention the past few hours, missing Hoseok and every inch of his skin, hands running over his shoulders and back, pulling him impossibly closer.

“Play for me, Hoseok,” the beautiful man breathed against his lips. “Instead of me playing you for once.”   
  
His hands went up the fabric of the giant sweater the other man was wearing and pulled it over his head before throwing it aside. He was so beautifully naked, golden skin shimmering in the light of the table lamp, sun already hidden behind the residential buildings, only the light red sky giving out that it was still not night. Hyungwon let his fingers run over his t-shirt-clad chest, playing with the cloth and pulling it up, whining a little as he scratched over his abdominal muscles lightly prior to leaning down.

“Can’t you just rip that off?” he asked as his lips followed a straight line from Hoseok’s solar plexus and licked over the exposed skin, dipping into his navel. 

Rip off? Sure. He leaned back a little and got rid of the fabric in a second, throwing it away. Hoseok couldn't wait to feel more skin and get drunk on the warmth and the beautiful melody Hyungwon’s touch made him feel. The other's brown eyes widened, pupils blown and his pink tongue licked over his plump bottom lip before his teeth bit down, Hyungwon being visibly affected by the display of strength. 

“Fuck,” the lean man gasped as his breath hitched and he fumbled with Hoseok’s jeans, opening them as quickly as possible and pulling them down his legs while leaving light bites and kisses along his legs. 

“What do you feel, Hoseok?” Hyungwon asked with that low voice of his, lips almost vibrating against Hoseok’s thighs and fingertips brushing over his stomach and massaging his firm butt. 

“You, I feel you accompanied by a fucking orchestra,” Hoseok whispered, the touch providing an amount of sensations his body and mind were absolutely overwhelmed with. He couldn’t express himself well with words, but he was absolutely willing to write a homage to Hyungwon, everything the other man consisted of, the inner beauty that seeped through his fingertips when he touched Hoseok, his mesmerizing low voice cutting through the silence that had surrounded him before and his big, deep, sparkling eyes, pushing the loneliness away effortlessly.

Hyungwon was breathless, keeping his eyes closed and letting his hands wander aimlessly, tender brushes becoming firm and transitioning smoothly into a light caress again, as if he was playing with Hoseok’s perception, letting both of his hands run over Hoseok’s chest to his trunks before letting them join the pile on the ground. 

“I want to sit on your lap,” he murmured and pulled Hoseok towards the piano stool, basically throwing him on it as he climbed on top of his thighs, his slim body a little colder than Hyungwon's and allowing goosebumps to spread along his legs.    
  
Fuck, the reaction exceeded everything he had felt before, maybe because they didn’t have time to touch each other the past days, or because both of them were a little out of it after the intimate talk. Hoseok’s body exploded in a mixture of different instruments playing an overwhelmingly intense beautiful melody as Hyungwon pressed his body closer. His hands went over the other's naked back, arms and shoulders, lips searching for more, licking and sucking on the shimmering skin of Hyungwon's neck and chest. 

“You make me feel so much, Hoseok, blurring my senses and giving me the impression that I can really let go when I'm with you,” Hyungwon breathed into his neck before biting into it, soothing it with his tongue. “I guess I feel safe, as cliche as that sounds. Sadly, it cannot compare to the way I make you feel.”   
  
It was relatable, for Hyungwon it was the most important to feel safe, for Hoseok it was music. So the other had become the epitome of that one important thing. Hoseok was safety and Hyungwon was music.   
  
“I want to show you. The way you make me feel right now, but I suck at explaining. I’m sorry.” The perceptions flooded his senses. The melody was so overwhelmingly beautiful that his fingers started moving over Hyungwon’s back as if he was a piano. 

The beautiful man on his lap hissed, leaning back a little as his fingers reached for the piano lid, opening it carefully. 

“Can't you just play what you hear, Hoseok? With me on your lap like this? I know that you can play blindly.” He could. If the beautiful creature on his lap wanted to hear it too, he was going to show him, the rhythm that flowed through his veins and every chord he was breathing.   
  
He leaned his forehead against Hyungwon's thin shoulder and closed his eyes, hands leaving the warm skin and touching the cold keys instead. He started playing, hearing the melody unfold from a real instrument felt so much more intense, feelings and sensations becoming vivid and prominent in front of his inner eye. The vanilla scent spread in his nose and the gentle warmth of the other man’s body drowned him in his perceptions, mixed with the evolving piece his fingers created.

“It's…” Hyungwon seemed to be lacking the words to describe it, inhaling and exhaling slowly as his shoulders shivered. “It sounds so honest and pure, so…much unlike me.” The words and movements changed the melody slightly. He really wanted to show how much emotion Hyungwon was capable of evoking in him.   
  
“You can do something, kiss me, or touch me, it will change,” he whispered against the shoulder he was leaning on and lifted his head, eyes still closed. Hyungwon nodded before licking over Hoseok’s ear and placing kisses along his jaw until he reached his lips, nibbling on the bottom one before exploring his mouth with his tongue. 

The melody took a turn, the build up much more intense and loud, chords tingling in his fingertips, begging to be let out. Hoseok moaned, so fitting to the notes he was playing. Breathing became difficult, the depth of the awareness he had towards every single touch was stunning, each sensation transfering into chords, every movement of the other man’s body changing the pace. 

“You're a genius, Hoseok,” Hyungwon moaned and pushed his lower body into Hoseok’s, fingers burying themselves in his shoulders until a hand travelled down to let his thumb rub over the tip of his straining erection, other fingers denying him the pleasure of contact. It felt like the teasing melody of the Mozart Piano Concerto No. 21 in C Major, but also so different, because it was Hyungwon and Hoseok had absolutely no idea how his body would react next. He wanted to melt into the warm skin, chords becoming desperate with every passing second, lower body tensing painfully, muscles screaming to move towards more.    
  
“You’re making me go nuts. I’m not even kidding,” Hoseok exhaled in a groan, fingers trying to express the growing desperation in a rush.

“How does it feel to have the two things you love be combined into one entity?” the black-haired man asked, wonder apparent in his voice as he let a ring of his index finger and thumb slide over Hoseok’s erection, teeth nibbling on his ear lobe in the meantime, combining sensations as he adored doing so much.   
  
“Like an ink painting unfolding in space? Overwhelming? Addicting? Scary? Everything at once.” Hoseok tried to answer as precisely as possible, thoughts furiously battling each other, hands still playing and body screaming for more. That was some high level multitasking right there.

“I want to know what it sounds like when you are inside me.” The beautiful man rubbed his backside over Hoseok’s lap smoothly, showing impatience but also desperation. It seemed as if he was almost as affected by the music as Hoseok was.

He wanted to show him. The actual impact, the whole orchestra going all out on him, but the piano had to do the job. Hoseok hoped that by playing everything he felt while being with the beautiful man would make Hyungwon understand, at least a little bit of those overwhelming things he was able to make Hoseok feel. The beauty of perception and the intensity of those sensations the other man could evoke just by touching his lips, stroking his skin or breathing next to him.   
  
“I will show you,” he whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's ending sooooon! Thank you so much for everyone who read until now and sorry for the cliffhanger! It will be worth it I swear. 
> 
> Next Update on February 3rd at 4 PM CET.
> 
> We write one character each, also every interaction independend of the perspective.  
> @Hichanchen writes Hyungwon (and Minhyuk+Jooheon) and  
> @Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok (and Kihyun+Changkyun)
> 
> Hit us up on Twitter  
> @Hichanchen  
> @Smut_Hemingway
> 
> We are extremely happy about every comment and every click. You are one of the major reasons we write. (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	18. 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I won’t go back. I told you it needed to have a proper ending. It had. I won’t go back anymore.”
> 
> (Graphical depiction of violence)

Practising was supposed to be something good. It was supposed to involve Hyungwon sitting next to Hoseok as the other man showed him his skill, stroking the keys and evoking several emotions in quick succession just by adjusting the melody or fluently transitioning from one piece into the next. 

Instead of enjoying the pleasure that was Hoseok practising, Hyungwon had been semi-ignored for a whole fucking week because the pianist had wished to build up his confidence and practise the technical aspects of playing. Instead of filling it with emotional context immediately. It made sense, it really did, but Hyungwon needed attention. A lot of attention and whenever Hoseok didn't react to his attempts at making him drop everything and ravish Hyungwon instead, it drove him up the fucking wall. 

He had been in control of their sexual relationship but it seemed that Hoseok had taken it away from him a long time ago. Even the extensive discussion of STD possibilities and check ups, agreeing that there was no risk and they would only sleep with each other hadn't been sufficient to make Hoseok crack. He had practised piano and smiled the whole damn week.

The singer's manager had visited and since Hoseok had simply treated him like a friend Hyungwon had done his best to at least offer a little bit of food and a coffee. After his boyfriend had mentioned that the small but rather nasty looking man choked people it was better to be safe than sorry. 

Even then Hyungwon had to share attention and he hated it. He wanted the attention to be his and as stupid as it was insecurities kept mixing in whenever he felt like that. 

_ What if he doesn't want to spend time with you? What if he doesn't find you attractive anymore? _

There was nothing clear in Hoseok’s behaviour that would have justified his self deprecating thoughts, but they were there nevertheless, waiting to pop out whenever Hoseok smiled at his antics and turned towards the piano again. 

That had been one of the reasons for Hyungwon's decision to record at the studio instead, putting some distance between them and concentrating on his own work instead of the fact that he wasn't getting enough attention from the pianist. 

_ The piano is first, Hyungwon, give him some space.  _

Returning in the evening he had the full intention to jump Hoseok independent of what his plans had been. He had showered immediately after teasing the beautiful man with his naked chest and scrubbed his body extensively, wanting to look amazing and be prepared. Wishing to impress he had only pulled an oversized white pullover over his head, not even his and had entered the living room, surprised to see Hoseok talking on the home phone. 

Hyungwon hadn't even been aware of his crazy actions when he had taken the phone apart and thrown it somewhere, standing limp in Hoseok’s hold and terrified by the thought alone that his father had called. It wasn't even about Hoseok picking up and it definitely wasn't rational. 

_ He talked to your dad and probably told him that he's an ignorant fuck while you just crawl away and get a panic attack at the mere thought of picking up the phone. Amazing.  _

Hoseok had always been capable of speaking his mind, uncaring of what other people thought and so unaffected by negative reactions unless it was Hyungwon. He seemed so fucking strong, not only physically but also mentally. In more ways than one he turned out to be someone Hyungwon had always wanted to be, standing up for himself and his own decisions. 

Of course it had also been Hoseok who had managed to make him talk so easily. He opened up about his family and the inability to remain calm and collected when they contacted him. The pianist cracked him like a stubborn shell, knowing where to stroke to get the prettiest perl. But no matter how easily he tickled the information out of Hyungwon, Hoseok himself spoke just like him, sarcastic about his experiences and bitter, despite all the strength he showed. 

_ He wasn't even joking about the piano, Hyungwon. Of course you can't compare to music, even if you can make him feel it.  _

When he was sitting naked on Hoseok’s lap, overwhelmed by the warmth but seeing how little his perceptions were able to compete with the pianist’s otherworldly experiences, he felt jealous. Not jealous of the way music was able to make Hoseok feel, because in a way it had still been him, Hyungwon himself evoking these emotions in the person he loved. Rather he was jealous of the way the notes seemed to pull Hoseok in whereas his body alone did not. If Hyungwon would have attempted to distract Hoseok with a touch, a kiss, anything that resulted in him feeling music he would have given him the attention he deserved earlier. 

He needed to hear it, to feel the music that Hoseok himself was experiencing whenever they were close. Lifting the piano lid he watched Hoseok’s face, asking him to play what he felt for him, every note and chord that his touch evoked. 

The weight of Hoseok’s head rested on his shoulder as the other man's beautiful hands left his waist and landed on the piano, beginning with a few notes that melted into complex chords and eventually into a soft melody. Hearing and feeling the music simultaneously must have been overwhelming for Hoseok, his body shaking but his hands remained still and in control.

The melody was pure, so pure, light notes jumping quickly before slowing down and melting into a few darker ones, transforming them into light and slow chords. Hyungwon forgot how to breathe, sucking air greedily into his lungs and holding onto Hoseok’s shoulders tightly, overwhelmed by the way Hoseok interpreted him and turned him into music. It was so pure and honest, everything that Hyungwon was so convinced he wasn't anymore. But to Hoseok he must've been.

_ This is what you make him feel, Hyungwon, just you.  _

He wasn't able to suppress his wonder at the honesty of the melody, following Hoseok’s advice immediately by kissing him and licking over his earlobe, touching him everywhere he could reach. Hissing, he rubbed the tip of his thumb over Hoseok’s erection, stimulating and listening to the harsher notes it evoked. It felt like the pianist wasn't the one playing the music, Hyungwon was, with every little flick of his finger. 

Whenever he let his hands trail along Hoseok’s muscular man's sides, lighter notes appeared in the composition, disappearing and transforming into darker ones when he let his long fingers run over the other man's naked thighs below him. 

Hoseok was moaning but his hands continued playing, almost as if it had been a physical need to do so, to express everything with his hands instead of his body alone. Hyungwon continued playing him, letting a ring made of his index finger and thumb slide over the pianist’s dick and enjoying the depth that was added to the piece, goosebumps spreading all over his body, evoking emotions he wasn't even aware of. It felt like he knew what Hoseok perceived, what his hands and body made the other man feel and he needed to know more. 

“I want to know what it sounds like when you are inside me,” he whispered into Hoseok’s ear, squeezing his erection once and basking in the additional chords that filled his ears.

“I will show you,” the blonde man replied, sounding so vulnerable and affected that Hyungwon felt like he was intruding on something very private and personal, something no one was meant to see. 

_ No one except for you, Hyungwon. This is how you make him feel and he's showing you so you can feel it too, all of it.  _

Hyungwon leaned back again, holding onto the top of the piano without disturbing Hoseok’s hands, music calming down and becoming soft again, only fuelled by the way Hyungwon's thighs pressed down on the other man's. Fumbling a little he found the bottle of lube that he had put there after Hoseok had moved in. Breathing harshly and listening closely to the way the music picked back up again, he let some of the liquid drip on his hand before he curled it around Hoseok’s dick, coating it properly and fighting the way his legs shivered in anticipation. 

_ You'll feel him fully and he's going to play it, Hyungwon.  _

“Ready?” he murmured into Hoseok’s ear, leaning away a little to look into the other man's eyes, his hips lifting and lining the pianist’s erection up with his own body. 

“Not ready, my body is not ready and my mind will never be ready either. But please let me feel it,” Hoseok moaned and paused the melody he was playing, holding his breath. 

The silence was filling out every atom of his body as Hyungwon smiled at the blonde for reassurance, placing a short kiss on his lips. He relaxed his muscles and moved down, holding his breath until he was completely seated on Hoseok’s lap, feeling impossibly full and amazed at what a difference a condom made. Shit, he had never had sex without a condom before. It was like he had been smelling flowers through a gas mask and had finally taken it off.

“Oh god, Hoseok, you feel amazing. Play for me, show me how I make you feel.”   
  
The other man exhaled sharply before sucking in a breath and Hyungwon drowned in the piano notes that filled the acoustic space once again, so beautifully desperate and intense, loud and clear. Hoseok’s lips trembled a little against the skin of his neck while his fingers played a whole concerto for him. It was really otherworldly, Hoseok’s hands on the piano creating a new sense, a new way of perceiving his surroundings. But this time it was Hyungwon creating the feelings, the perceptions and Hoseok was merely the one expressing them. 

He remained seated and took a deep breath, basking in the way Hoseok felt inside of him and how his whole body screamed at him to move in addition to the music accompanying everything. Hyungwon braced his hands against Hoseok’s shoulders, as close to his neck as possible to not disturb him as he played, lifting his hips agonisingly slowly, legs firmly on the ground behind the other man. When he reached the tip he rolled his hips as he slid back down, gasping at the changes in the stretch. 

“I'm playing you, aren't I? It's like you’re the instrument, Hoseok.”    
  
The other man moaned loudly and so fitting to the melody his hands were playing, body shivering at the sensations and the fact that he was pressing the keys simultaneously. Hoseok nodded and breathed harshly against Hyungwon’s shoulder. 

The amount of control that had left Hoseok’s fingertips and flowed into Hyungwon, reducing the pianist to his playing and robbing him of the ability to speak, was intense. The picture that he had of himself, unable to make his own choices and being of no worth didn't fit with his current perceptions and the way he played the other man. He increased the speed of his movements as the melody picked up, rolling his hips rhythmically everytime he slid down and back up. Whenever he landed on the pleasure evoking spot inside of him he moaned in Hoseok’s face, trying to kiss him to catch every sound that left his lips in reply. 

After playing a very difficult melody rhythm- and harmony-wise, Hoseok stopped with a double chord, hands grabbing Hyungwon’s sides and holding him in an iron grip, big brown eyes staring up at his face.   
  
“Fuck- I can’t. I want to touch you. I want to feel you with my hands and lips.” Hoseok exhaled trying hard to calm down his sped up breathing pattern. “Play me,” he whispered finally, facial expression appearing so desperate and sincere. Hyungwon really loved him independent of the pleasure. It was so calming to know he was still capable of feeling so intensely for someone else, wishing to completely melt into him. 

“Fuck me up, Hoseok, show me how tuned you are,” he whispered as he clenched around Hoseok before stopping his movements all together, using the pianist’s musical metaphors. He wasn't able to go as fast as he would have liked while sitting on Hoseok’s lap and the angle wasn't optimal so he wanted the other to take over and show him what he could do.    
  
Hoseok lifted his body like a feather and stood up, closing the piano lid.    
  
“How about you lean over the piano and I try to make you feel some music.” Hoseok smiled while pointing at the instrument. Hyungwon nodded furiously and turned around, placing his hands on the music sheet holder and impatient to feel Hoseok inside of him in his full uncovered glory. 

“If you ever fuck me with a condom after this I'm suing.”   
  
Hoseok chuckled and slid his warm hands down Hyungwon’s back, drawing patterns with his fingers while pushing himself in slowly. When the other man’s hands came to rest on his hips, Hoseok moved out, almost completely and thrusted back in, obviously remembering the angle and holding Hyungwon’s hips in place in an iron grip. He felt pleasure soaring through his body immediately, moaning against the piano and gripping the holder stronger, keeping himself in place in addition to the warm hands that had been stabilising his hips. 

“Oh god, speed up, Hoseok,” he babbled as he closed his eyes and gave up breathing through his nose completely, thinking of riling them both up further. Hoseok erased his non-existent inhibitions even further. “Do you have any idea how much I already wanted to ride that dick of yours when I saw it in the sauna? Come on, drive me mad.”   
  
It must’ve been the increasing familiarity and the built up trust they had worked on over the past weeks, Hoseok didn’t seem afraid anymore. The blonde wasn’t scared or tried to overthink every single thing, hesitating and ruminating about it. He just did it, so freely and confidently. He picked up pace, groaning into his ear.   
  
“And I wanted to have you. I was crazy about you and I still am. I want to be someone who makes you lose your mind.” The low voice was somewhere very close but appeared blurred by the instant pleasure. Hoseok hadn't been aware that he didn't need to desire to be his catalyst, because he already was. Hyungwon groaned, body on fire and pleasure sending spikes through him, every little twitch of Hoseok’s dick perceivable against his rim. 

“What does it look like when you fuck me, Hoseok? Tell me,” he panted, imagination not doing the feeling any justice. He wanted to hear how affected Hoseok was, how much he loved to see what he was doing to Hyungwon.   
  
“What it looks like? Like an explosion of senses, I can breathe you and I can feel you so hot around me, your skin looks like gold and if you’re sweating it looks like someone melted silver into it. Your face when you stare back at me, it sends spikes through my body and the way you contract around me, fuck, I just feel like bursting and almost as if I begged you to choke me and you did and it feels like the air you left me blurs my senses because I wouldn’t be able to breathe more anyway,” Hoseok formulated furiously, trying not to slow down while talking. “Fuck, you’re everything I wanted. Ever.”

Hyungwon chuckled, amused by how Hoseok threw emotions at him instead of being gloriously amazed at the way his dick looked as it disappeared in Hyungwon's ass. But fuck it, if Hyungwon would want him any other way. He didn't. Hoseok was one of a kind and although he didn't fit with what Hyungwon had imagined as his perfect partner it didn't fucking matter because he was so much more than that. 

“You're mine, babe, I won't give you to anyone else, fucking ever,” Hyungwon panted and pushed against Hoseok’s thrusts, feeling dangerously close to orgasm and possessive at the same time. “Make me come, be a good boy. I'm damn close and your dick is giving me pleasure seizures.”   
  
Hoseok curled his strong pianist fingers around his dick, stroking it and thrusting into him intensely, gasping and groaning his name. Fuck, Hyungwon pressed further against him, senses blurring and releasing into the blonde’s hand and partially on the piano lid, screaming his name.

“Do me the favour and pull out right before you come, babe,” he moaned, suppressing the post orgasmic bliss and gripping the piano tightly to stay in place as Hoseok acted on his own pleasure.    


The man pulled out almost immediately, probably as fucked out as Hyungwon was, stroking himself with one hand and Hyungwon’s ass with the other, before coming over his back with a loud moan.

Holy fuck. Hoseok was too damn hot for his own good, just doing whatever Hyungwon desired.

“Fucking hell, I love you, babe. Watch me struggling to get back in form after all of this.” He laughed briefly and rose on his toes a few times to return to his senses. He wasn't really aware of what time it was and wanted to cuddle up and not do anything, but he had a new song to write and being satisfied was the perfect state to do that. Especially if he didn't want it to be fucking depressive for once. But he would have to remain in place until Hoseok got tissues.

_ Why are you both always so dumb, just jumping each other without tissues around. _

_ No regrets though. _

“Clean me up,” he murmured with a smile, eyes half-closed and loving how Hoseok’s warm hand rested on his thigh, before it left and the other man came back with tissues, wiping his back gently, and placing kisses all over his shoulders. 

“I love you.” Hoseok’s voice sounded so strangely serious, not the usual, whispered confession while being all overwhelmed and out of it. “I really do. Everything about you.”   


“I love you too, but I have a song to compose and to play tomorrow and I think the beat is shit. Would you mind refraining from practising until I got that down to an art?” he asked and got up, playing with his fingers to loosen the muscles after holding on for too long. Then he grabbed the pullover on the ground, throwing Hoseok’s ripped shirt to the side, and pulled it over his head. Dressed and only partially tired he was ready to be productive. 

Hoseok was an angel and just sat in the living room, dressed in jeans and nothing else and listened to one of his favourite concertos over his headphones. The apartment was absolutely quiet and the way Hoseok’s fingers tapped on the couch was the only sound he could perceive if he listened hard enough. 

It was strange to just do what they liked and not to feel the need to get the other person’s attention, being calm and focused on his own music and the beat instead. 

_ Whatever listening to Hoseok’s perception of you did, it was good, Hyungwon. It was the best thing to possibly happen to you in a while.  _

_ Just like Hoseok himself.  _

_

 

It felt almost unreal to be able to focus on his music without any other thoughts in the back of his head or worries eating him up from the inside. He had been occupied with his inability to let go and his fear of losing affection for so long, that the pleasant buzzing of happiness under his skin had felt like a rainbow after a year of storms, magical and fucking beautiful. 

The club was lit and had some good equipment, everything Hyungwon needed to feel comfortable and to focus on his music and the current atmosphere. After a particularly juicy beat drop he couldn't resist shaking his body himself, grinning and feeling how his skin tingled along with the music. 

_ Maybe this is almost what Hoseok feels, notes and beats tingling on his skin, just that it's classical and a little crazier. _ _   
_

He chuckled at the thought and winked at a few ladies at the front, enjoyment genuine and turning his eyes into crescents as he smiled. Switching up the beats per minute he pulled his headphones over his ears and looked around the dance floor, assessing how many people were dancing and how ready they were for something more intense.

Just when he was about to return his gaze to his equipment his blood froze over in his veins, hot sensation fading almost instantly and resembling cold ice instead, melting his skin in pain and widening his eyes in shock. 

He was panicking out of nowhere. His body reacted faster than his mind did, adrenalin spiking up as his head fought to assess the danger. Why was he reacting like this?

_ It's him. It's him, Hyungwon.  _

The dark figure that was dancing to the beat, muscles flexing with each movement and grin so painfully familiar, watched him intently. The panic hit him full force, fingers shaking and barely able to perform his next transition, beginning the last song of the night. He was hyperventilating already as the lights began to blur and the grin that he couldn't possibly be seeing anymore remained in front of him, agonizingly clear. 

He left the booth as quickly as he could, not bothering to look at the crowd and cold shudders repeatedly running down his back. Arriving at the back room, he gasped, unable to fill his lungs with air and terrified of losing his senses, ending up drugged out and unable to fight. Just like before. Just like always.

_ Hoseok. You need Hoseok.  _

He sucked in oxygen as well as he could, keeping it in his lungs without breathing out to calm down as his fingers desperately fumbled for his phone. He needed to write to him, to call him, anything. 

His hands were barely moving, shivering uncontrollably and oh so pale, as if he was already dead. When the loud beeping of the established connection filled his ears he released the breath, vision blurring and lungs burning from the strain. 

Everything was going to be fine. It had to.    
  
“Mhm? Are you done already?” Hoseok’s calm, low voice echoed through the speaker.

Hyungwon struggled to get his own voice under control, harsh pants leaving his lips, mind still foggy from hyperventilating.

“I-” He stopped, sucking in another breath and squeezing the phone so hard that it hurt. “I'm scared, Hoseok. Please get me.”

He waited a few seconds, wanting to explain before the adrenalin could spike up again, ripping his consciousness from him. He was afraid, afraid that he wouldn't be aware of his actions or thoughts, state so grossly familiar. 

“He's here.”

  
  


***

  
  


His playing had gotten better and better over the last couple of days. The technique improved with every repetition and his feeling for music evolved. His mind was at ease, Hyungwon seemed to be happy. That fact alone had been absolutely sufficient for Hoseok to feel safe and calm.    
  
He had had sex without wearing a condom for the first time in his life. It had felt so outworldly that he pitied the fact that he hadn’t recorded the melody he was playing while Hyungwon slid down his erection. It would’ve been an amazing composition.   
  
A thought came to his mind and he sat down at his table, grabbing a new package of music sheets and a pen. He wanted to make it a thing. The way Hyungwon was making him feel, the music the other man was able to create in his mind. He wanted to write it all down and show it. Record it once again, make a song out of it, or just put it under one of Hyungwon's amazing beats.   
  
He had scribbled for hours already, but he hadn't been able to stop. Not until he had written the last chord, had made the last movement or had sang the last note. Things had to end clearly. A quick glance at his watch told him that it was about 3AM, the ending chords had already been written on one of the countless music sheets.    
  
The ringing of his phone interrupted the silence and he smiled after spotting Hyungwon’s name on the screen. He picked up, smiling brightly, but the other man’s voice ripped through the speaker, panic almost tangible. Hoseok’s muscles tensed as he tried to sound extra calm.    
  
“Who’s there, Won? I’m going, tell me where.” He tried to calm his breathing and waited for the answer.

The breaths that he had heard were too quick to be normal, Hyungwon was hyperventilating the longer the silence stretched.

“It’s him. I’m scared, Hoseok. I’m at Watergate. Please pick me up.” The other sounded so out of it that Hoseok couldn’t be sure that Hyungwon was even aware of what Hoseok was saying, mainly repeating words like a mantra, voice so unlike himself.   
  
“Stay where you are and try to calm down, I’m on my way. Keep the phone close.” Hoseok’s hands had been trembling when he hung up,  sliding his phone into his pocket and jumping up from the chair. After grabbing his wallet, keys and leather jacket, he ran out of the apartment like a crazy person. It was in the middle of the night, no cabs in their street and of course no public transportation, at least not immediately, so he ran. He just ran like a mental person, knowing how to get to the next big junction, before he finally got a cab.    
  
The crowd was on fire, people were dancing around and drinking as he made his way through the mass in the direction of the DJ booth, where another person was turning the knobs, Hyungwon not in sight.

When he looked around the club again, trying to come up with a place Hyungwon might have been apart from the DJ booth, his eyes focused on a hallway at the side, most likely leading to the restrooms. Without wasting any more time he just walked towards the barely lit area and entered the passage, several individuals walking past him to return to the dance floor. His eyes landed on a couple that was making out furiously next to the ladies restroom, but he just moved on, feeling increasingly uncomfortable. 

A bit further on, a large guy was pressing someone into the wall, keeping one arm propped up and grabbing the other person’s jaw with the other. Hoseok wouldn’t have cared but it appeared painful and seemed even stranger with the resigned way the other man held himself, his arms just hanging by his sides uselessly. Hoseok's premonitions kept getting worse the closer he got, body form appearing more and more familiar. The slim and long frame was pressed almost completely flat against the wall and covered by the other man. A loud noise echoed in the hallway as the other man slapped Hyungwon across the face.   
  
His blood started boiling in his veins. But not in the way it did back when Hyungwon came home with the wound on his head, or that time when the bulky guy tried to flirt with the other man. It was that kind of feeling you got, when your muscles were perfectly tensed and ready and the only thing left was deciding what they should be used for. It was similar to those times he had won Taekwondo competitions, back then when the 100% winning ratio without a single injury had been the only reason he had been able to attend.   
  
_ Don’t kill him, Hoseok, he needs to move his hands away from Hyungwon’s face, so you can do something.  _ _   
_ __   
“Hey, I think that’s not what you should be doing right now, don’t you think?” Hoseok kicked against the other guy's calf lightly to get the bulky man’s attention. The other man seemed to be a little annoyed, leaning back slightly to glance in his direction.

“None of your business, chink,” the guy spat and simply grinned before ignoring him and turning back towards Hyungwon, who looked out of it, eyes unfocused.    
  
“I think it is though.” He kicked harder and stood on the same spot, absolutely calm on the outside. The muscle tension and the look in his eyes were probably the only thing that was different. 

The kick was enough to get the asshole’s attention apparently, as he whispered something into Hyungwon’s ear, evoking absolutely no reaction and turned towards Hoseok, stretching his neck, as if attempting to intimidate him by the action alone.   
  
_ He’s muscular but he’s a fucking idiot, Hoseok, look at the way he moves. Two punches into his jaw, gut kick, and knee over neck should be enough.  _ _   
_ __   
Hoseok smiled considering the fact that he was about to do something he had never done before, hurting people on purpose. But fuck it, some people just didn’t understand.

His hands clenched into fists, sorting his fingers such that the impact of the hit would’ve been minimized, as he walked one step towards the prick, getting a little more room to accelerate, before he concentrated on the strength of the muscles in his right arm, tensing them and fist flying against the guy’s jaw, cracking sound telling him something must’ve been broken. Pain spread through his hand, but he had no time to think about that, he had another arm and a leg, so he used the seconds to kick the man in the balls, so painfully that he hoped it stayed for a really long time. 

As expected the figure sank down and Hoseok pressed his knee against the other man's muscular neck to keep the body on the floor.    
  
“Ok, so, what I wanted to say was: this is totally my business because this person is my person. And if your filthy hands dare to touch even one hair on that beautiful head, I’ll make sure you’ll never be able to fuck again. I swear.” The other tried to grab him with a hand, but Hoseok reacted faster, placing another knee on top the other man's hand painfully.    
  
_ This is not enough. Nothing will ever be enough for that piece of shit. _ _   
_ __   
“Now that we’re here, it seems like a good opportunity for you to apologize to him. Although I guess you won’t be forgiven, but apology is basic social conduct, am I right?” His left hand sank into the dark hair and pulled the man’s head up until he could see his eyes. There was blood running down his lip and jaw.

“Fuck you,” the piece of shit murmured, barely understandable with his rough voice. He struggled to get up, but it had been pointless from the start.

“Hoseok,” a soft voice whispered on the side. “Don’t bother...just...let’s just go.”   
  
Hyungwon. But this was not enough. Hoseok couldn’t stop. Everything was supposed to have a clear ending.    
  
“You fucking say it or you’ll count back on the amount of your teeth while I count up.” He let the guy's forehead hit the floor once before lifting it up again and smiling at the man under him. 

_ Bitch, the asshole doesn’t know you, he would’ve apologized already. _ _   
_ __   
“You know, it might really hurt a lot, so I’ll count, okay? One.” The dude’s head hit against the floor once again. Hoseok didn’t try to make it extra painful, the fucker just had to apologize and he would’ve been satisfied, maybe. Pain shot through his right hand again, but he ignored it.

“Fuck- I’m sorry, okay? I’m fucking sorry,” the guy started babbling, pain catching up with him as he closed his eyes shut, expecting another hit.   
  
“That was a good start but don’t you think the stuff you sick piece of shit pulled on Hyungwon requires a better apology? Something more sincere?” He waited for five seconds precisely before the man’s head met the floor again, red bruise visible on the sweaty forehead. 

“I said I’m fucking sorry, you mental fuck. What else do you want?” The bloody mess in front of him seemed desperate and as if he had no idea what Hoseok was talking about.   
  
_ He is kinky, Hoseok. But you’re kinky too. _ _   
_ __   
“Okay, you like it kinky, so just beg. Just fucking beg, I think I might consider. But not to me. To him.” Hoseok pointed at Hyungwon, eyes crazed from the balance between inhuman muscle strength he had to keep up to hold the body down, the calm talking and the fact that he actually wanted to kill the asshole who did it to Won.

Hyungwon was sitting on the floor, eyes wide in shock and focused on Hoseok, shaking his head.

“Tell him he’s mental, Won, come on,” the man under his hands muttered, desperation reaching higher levels just like the tone of voice. He was scared of Hoseok and of what he could do. And he was damn right to do so.   
  
“Don’t even say his name, you bastard. I told you to beg so you better beg. Two.” His arm pushed the head against the cold floor once again, pulling it up quickly to catch the facial expression. 

“Hoseok, please stop, don’t stoop so low. He won’t understand no matter how often you do this!” Hyungwon called and grabbed his wrist, staring at him with similar desperation as the man he was holding down. “Please. You’ll just get yourself arrested and I need you.”   
  
Hyungwon didn’t know, he didn’t know how many times Hoseok imagined that moment, what he promised himself to do and how to do it.    
  
“Don’t be scared, nothing will happen. I’ll get him arrested first for all the shit he did to you. I think rape and drugs are higher on the list than punching someone.” He smiled at Hyungwon, trying to reassure him, before turning around to face the mess on the floor.

“And you, sweetheart, Hyungwon here doesn’t know how patient I can be. I am very, very patient but I also want to see results, which is why, three.” The hit was a little harder this time, Hoseok didn’t want Hyungwon to watch all the spectacle for too long. The groan was a good sign, followed by coughing.

“I’m fucking sorry, I’m sorry, Hyungwon, for every fucking thing, make him stop,” the guy muttered, struggling to escape again. Hyungwon’s hand tightened around Hoseok’s wrist.   
  
_ Ouch. _ _   
_ __   
“You don’t need to watch if you’re not ok, Won. Just turn around.” He tried to free his right hand which hurt so fucking much it was getting strange. 

“I’ll take that one. But bitch try to come close to him once again and I swear, I won’t be nice like I was today. Don’t even think about it.” He pressed down his knee and released the body, standing up and taking Hyungwon’s hand. “Let’s go?”

It was the first time he took a proper look at Hyungwon. His eyes seemed wet and he nodded, not glancing away for even a second as they made their way out of the club, clutching his hand as if it was a life saver. Shit, his right wrist hurt and his fingers hurt, adrenaline making room for stabbing pain.    
  
“Are you okay?” He squeezed the big, cold hand in his, trying to calm down from the affect. Hyungwon nodded but didn’t look like it. He lifted Hoseok’s right hand in front of his face and bit his lower lip, looking dangerously close to crying again.

“You fucking idiot. What have you done?” he sobbed, holding Hoseok’s hand carefully as if afraid to hurt it. “Why would you-” He stopped talking, unable to pronounce properly and just looked down and bit his lip again, Hoseok’s right hand resting on his palms. Yes, it hurt, it looked a little raped and something was probably off, but he couldn’t care less. The sight of Hyungwon almost crying while looking at his hand was on the other hand really hard to take.    
  
“I broke his jaw probably, so of course it looks like this. Never had it before but seen it in other people often enough. I don’t need to go to a hospital. I just want to go home.” He smiled and placed a small kiss on the other man's plump, red lips in front of him. Hyungwon just shook his head furiously.

“Are you crazy, Hoseok? You-” The other man glanced at his hand again, sniffing quickly. “You won’t be able to play. You- you broke it.” Hyungwon was dangerously close to crying, voice barely there and sniffing uncontrollably, so different from the silent way he had cried before.    
  
_ Oops. That’s why you normally don’t hit people, Hoseok. You went all out didn’t you? _ _   
_ __   
“Won, don’t cry, nothing will happen. It will heal and everything, why are you crying?” Shit, he felt like dying. Making the other cry was worse than anything else, his pain got pushed to the background and Hyungwon's wet eyes had been the only thing he was able to perceive.

“B- but you have the performance and music is so important to you and you-” Hyungwon paused again, sniffing loudly and barely getting enough oxygen. “You ruined it because of me.”   
  
_ Amazing, now he thinks you did it just for him. _ _   
_ __   
“No, Hyungwon. I did it for me. I can’t take people who are like that to you and I wanted to hit that guy’s face since the moment you told me about him. I did what I always do. Don’t you know that I just do what I want? That’s what I wanted and I will be fine. But please don’t cry, fuck, I’m not okay when you cry. Did he do something to you?” He realized that his voice became scary towards the end of the sentence and he smiled to reassure that he wasn’t going to go back and punch the bloody face against the floor again.

“No, just…,” Hyungwon began and seemed hesitant about telling him, glancing towards the club entrance before walking in the opposite direction of their home. “Just the usual I guess. You arrived pretty quickly.” His steps got faster, while he held onto Hoseok’s sleeve to make sure he kept up.   
  
“I won’t go back. I told you it just needed to have a proper ending. It had. I won’t go back anymore.” He spoke calmly while trying to pick up the pace, pain stabbing through his hand during every single movement. 

“I know. It still wasn’t more than the usual. Insulting me, slapping me, kissing me, being convinced that I’m still infatuated. I’m sorry, my brain just turned off I- I become kinda strange in those situations.” Hyungwon looked to the side, as if ashamed for his behaviour as he turned around a corner, steps slowing down considerably now that the club wasn’t in sight anymore.   
  
“You don’t need to apologize. That piece of shit should. That’s why I made him. I hope that he’ll stay away now.” Hoseok tried to ignore the tears that formed in his eyes because of the pain in his hand, making him weak exactly during the moment when he didn’t want to be.

“He would have stayed away anyway, Hoseok. He stopped being interested in me a long time ago. You look in pain, are you okay? It’s not far anymore. I tried to take the shortest way. I’ll speak German for you and all,” Hyungwon babbled, calming down a little and focusing on the task of pulling Hoseok through the semi-empty streets of Berlin, long legs walking impossibly fast.   
  
“I don’t want you to be hurt anymore,” he whispered, tiredness suddenly washing over him, probably due to the adrenaline after effects kicking in.

“I won’t. I have you, don’t I?” Hyungwon said with a smile as he stormed inside a gigantic white building. A hospital.

It was almost a blurr, Hyungwon talking to a mass of people in German, explaining the situation probably, until they were sitting in the waiting room, the beautiful man pulling Hoseok’s head on his lap and stroking his hair.

“Just relax. It’ll take a while until it will be our turn because bleeding people are always more important.” Hyungwon sounded a little annoyed but he was calm, brushing his fingers through Hoseok’s blonde strands softly, hands warm compared to how cold they usually were. “I always wondered, is your hair blonde because you’re a pop singer or did you want to have it like this yourself?”   
  
Hoseok looked up in surprise and leaned on his wrist like a fucking idiot. Gasping in pain he sucked in a long breath, trying to battle the stabbing pain and answer the question properly. Hyungwon flicked his head and rolled his eyes, obviously scolding him for being everything but careful.   
  
“Uhm yeah, I did it after I performed for the last time. It was one and a half years ago. I dyed it back then and didn’t want to go back because it reminded me of the time I thought I would be a real concert pianist.” It sounded so sad but it was just the way he had thought back then.

Hyungwon’s eyes widened and he stared at him, glancing towards his hurt hand, discomfort obvious. He probably thought that it was even more unachievable now.

“I’m sorry for asking,” he whispered and resumed the soft caresses before taking his left hand in his, squeezing it.    
  
_ Yay, now you’re the charity case again, sad, not able to play and with a broken hand. _ _   
_ __   
“Don’t be, I’m not sad about that. I have to call Kihyun tomorrow. Tell him it’ll be hard to perform like that.” He smiled at the beautiful face that was looking down on him, so soft and so ethereal. 

Damn, he caught himself at the realization that Hyungwon was the only one that had mattered to him. Not his sanity while hitting a human head against the floor and not his hand, actually a catastrophe because he wasn’t able to play piano, but just the man over him. His big, brown eyes and his long fingers caressing his hair, his lap so warm and cosy. He felt overwhelmed and thankful. 

“Fuck, how did I manage to end up being considered worthy by you.” Hoseok opened his mouth slightly in surprise.

“What?” Hyungwon asked, surprised himself and interrupting the movements of his hand. “I really love cheesy shit, Hoseok, but I am not ready to repeat ‘no I’m unworthy’ to be answered with ‘no I am’. How can you even be surprised by that? You’re considerate as fuck and just broke your hand, keeping you from the one thing that means the most to you just to-” Hyungwon took a deep breath. “Just to punch someone who hurt me. To help me. Because apparently I matter so much. Thank you.”    
  
“Please make it a song.” Hoseok stared up and whispered after remembering that he had written down every single note of the melody he had played with Hyungwon on his lap. He needed other people to shake their asses to the melody, instead of the sad track about Hyungwon’s past. “I wrote it down. Everything.” 

“What did you write down? What do you want me to make a song out of? You always jump from thought to thought in your head and it’s difficult to follow sometimes,” the black-haired man answered with a smile and pressed a kiss to Hoseok’s non-injured hand. “You want me to make a song about confidence?”    
  
“No, it’s about you. Actually, I don’t know what the song is about, I just know the melody. I wrote it down, the one I played when you sat on my lap.” Hoseok smiled back. He was indeed just saying whatever and expected others to get what the fuck he was talking about. 

“Oh my fucking god,” Hyungwon muttered and looked around quickly, probably checking if he freaked anyone out with his loud outburst. Talking more quietly he stared at Hoseok, eyes wide again. “You want me to make a song out of the music you played and felt while I was riding your dick on a piano stool? Holy fucking shit. Thank god I don’t do interviews. Now that would be an amazing question. ‘What triggered your inspiration, H.One?’ and me being all like ‘Oh you know, just riding my boyfriend’s dick in front of the piano, no biggy’.” Laughing at himself, mouth spread impossibly wide and shining down on Hoseok, the beautiful man nodded.

“But I’ll do it, definitely. You’re a genius, Hoseok.”   
  
“You forgot that I played piano while you were riding my dick.” Hoseok grinned at the way the other man talked. Damn, he loved him and his nonchalant way of expressing himself. Before Hoseok had thought they were absolutely different, but they weren’t. They just had different ways of expressing it, but in the end they were both fucked in the head people who got better with the proximity of the significant other. 

“How could I possibly forget that? It’s fucking high up on my kink list with ‘getting dropped on a dick in the shower’.” Hyungwon giggled, holding a hand in front of his mouth.   
  
“Liked that?” Hoseok smirked, proud of finally receiving feedback on the display of his skill.

“Lee Hoseok?” an assistant called out and Hyungwon helped him sit up. He looked less worried, just overly careful, as if Hoseok had broken most of the bones in his body instead of his hand.

“Let’s get you fixed up, babe.”   
  
The doc sent him for an x-ray and sat there shaking her head furiously.    
  
“What did you do with that hand? The wrist is broken and so is your index finger. In two spots. How did you not pass out?” The black-haired woman stared at him, eyes widened in surprise, before they slid down his body and the doctor nodded. “Amazing power of will, however, you will get a cast and it’s four weeks until you’ll be able to do something remotely useful.”   
  
Hoseok stared back at her.   
  
“I play piano. It’s not very fortunate right?” A sad smile hushed over his face, waiting for an answer. Something in doctor’s gaze changed and she smiled softly.   
  
“Difficult to say for sure. If you stay put and don’t do anything stupid, everything might heal perfectly, but considering the way your hand looks I’m not that sure. I would highly recommend you to refrain from everything consisting of using the hand. Let it heal in peace and you’ll be able to play again. Oh and you should definitely get physiotherapy. Surgeons also do it if they have injuries on their hands.” She gave him a prescription and waited for the nurse to put the cast on his hand.    
  
_ Chill. You need to chill, Hoseok. Everything will be fine. _

He really didn’t like doctors because they always scared him, but this one was pretty positive. Not moving was something he could deal with. Four weeks was another question, but also somehow possible to handle. He walked out of the door, eyes searching for Hyungwon somewhere in the hallway.    


The other man was sitting on one of the benches, chewing his cheek and playing with his fingers as he waited, worry obvious on his face. A few seconds were enough to see Hoseok and his face lit up, jumping up and running over to him. 

“What did they say? Can you play? How long will you wear the cast? Are you feeling okay? Shall we take a taxi?”   
  
He smiled back at the tons of questions, and curled one arm around the other's thin waist.    
  
“My wrist is broken and my index finger is also broken, the cast stays for three weeks and I’m not allowed to do anything with the hand if I want to be able to play.” The other didn’t look that worried so he smiled and added, “And yes, let’s take a taxi.”

“Trust me, I'll come up with a fuck-ton of things that we can do without using your right hand,” Hyungwon whispered in his ear, smirk obvious and waved over a taxi. He still looked a little concerned but Hoseok’s positivity must have taken most of the worry. “I'll be taking care of you this time, so you better let me spoil you.”   
  
“Please do.” His stomach already started tingling at the mere imagination of what Hyungwon might have meant.    
  
It was plain strange, he should’ve been down, crying and hating everything at the thought of not being able to play piano, but there he was, sitting next to Hyungwon in a cab, cast on his hand, long, cold fingers sliding up and down and squeezing his thigh. A low, vibrating voice, a little mocking, talking about idiots on the dancefloor and doctors who didn't know about rough gay sex, although it was part of general education and barely whispered confessions, small words that meant so much to him. Beautiful face, a smile, showing his gums and the amazingly straight teeth, huge eyes turning into crescent moons, mirroring Hoseok’s smile.

He didn’t need anything else. 

Nothing else besides Hyungwon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. It was a little violent but that simply happened while we wrote. Just two more chapters. Hang on ;)
> 
> Next Update on February 5th at 4 PM CET.
> 
> We write one character each, also every interaction independend of the perspective.  
> @Hichanchen writes Hyungwon (and Minhyuk+Jooheon) and  
> @Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok (and Kihyun+Changkyun)
> 
> Hit us up on Twitter  
> @Hichanchen  
> @Smut_Hemingway
> 
> We are extremely happy about every comment and every click. You are one of the major reasons we write. (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	19. 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We got this love, the crazy kind,” 
> 
> #SmutWarning in the second half. Be prepared for some intense suffering. 
> 
>  
> 
> P.S. The Kitten Hyungwon is a hommage to @hyungwoneko. Thank you for writing all those amazing fanfics and drawing those fanarts that make us go nuts.

It had been like a black hole, vision limited around the edges and nothing pushing through except for the freezing cold and the liquid fear in his veins. He had tried to leave the club inconspicuously, avoiding crowded places and sneaking past the DJ booth, terrified of what might have happened if he met him. But it all had been in vain. 

There had been no reason to try so hard because the other man had been waiting for him, grabbing his wrist as if it was nothing and pulling him into the barely lit hallway, forcing away the light and throwing Hyungwon's body against the wall. His brain had turned off almost immediately, body turning limp and only fragments reaching his consciousness, the nasty words, sharp pain, being touched inappropriately. All of it didn't seem real, protection instincts kicking in and letting him fade away from reality. 

Hyungwon had been prepared to live through what he always had to live through, mixtures of pain and humiliating pleasure, being forced on him against his will and the other person’s expectation to get adoration and submission in return. The other man had always gotten it. Just that Hyungwon felt none of it anymore, body being numb to all perceptions and merely leaning against the wall limply. Even the way he bruised his thigh and slapped his cheek with a smirk didn't evoke a reaction. 

Hyungwon had almost smiled at the way his brain invented alternative realities in which he had the ability to escape the other man's clutches. Imagining that there was someone else, someone who took the devil’s attention away from hurting Hyungwon's body. He remained in place, basking in the visual image of space, space that was occupied by nobody and belonged to him, his to decide whom to let in. 

The loud crack had been the trigger which finally pushed him out of the belief that Hoseok protecting him had been a hallucination, something his brain had produced to help him cope with what had been happening to him. It wouldn't have been the first time, but the details of Hoseok’s facial expressions, emotions clear as day and his destructive actions were what didn't fit. Hyungwon would have never wished for Hoseok to hurt himself like that and his brain knew that.

Snapping out of his stupor, he was terrified by the sight of Hoseok repeatedly hitting the head of the man, who had ruined his life, against the ground, breaking his nose and covering the dirty floor with blood. The pianist had been determined to hear an apology, so much that even Hyungwon's desperate attempts to make him stop remained fruitless. 

He had been scared. Scared for Hoseok and what he had done to his hand but also because he could get in a lot of trouble for beating someone up like that. Hyungwon was also scared of Hoseok. Scared, because the expression of fury, the obvious wish to hurt the abusive man beyond what he had already done, had been so obvious on the pianist’s face, so uncontrollable and way beyond Hyungwon's understanding. There hadn’t been anything Hyungwon could have done to stop him. 

Even now, when Hoseok had already worn his cast for a whole week and kept telling him that he was fine and completely calm after what happened, Hyungwon couldn't help remembering the way the other man had looked while hitting his abuser’s face against the ground. 

Hoseok could have written a whole novel on how he felt perfectly fine and didn't regret what he had done, but the countless times the blonde man had sat in the living room, doing nothing but staring at the piano, spoke against it. Especially when the pianist believed that Hyungwon was occupied differently, he would stare at the instrument, letting the fingers of his good hand move over the keys without playing anything, just touching it like he would’ve touched a living being that could be hurt easily. It looked like a promise to return, maybe. 

It hurt to see it and it hurt that there was nothing he could do except for waiting for Hoseok to recover and regain his ability to play. The concert had been pushed so there was no time pressure per se, but Hoseok still hated himself once in a while for not being able to do anything. Even if he had tried to hide it. 

Hyungwon wished that he could have said that he understood, but he didn't really. His relationship to music had always been a functional one, wishing to express something and using music to do so, exploring it as a medium instead. For Hoseok it had been like a friend he was forced to part from for an extended period of time. Of course Hyungwon couldn't understand, but he tried. 

That had been one of the reasons for sending Hoseok to meet his best friend, hoping to distract him with something else and motivate him to work on his social life. It was a stupid excuse but it was better than sitting at home and watching the other man's attempts to seem like he didn't miss anything. Hyungwon could fill some of the space but not all of it. He had known Hoseok for several months, how could he have replaced something that was there for over 20 years?

He had created a digital version of the sheet music Hoseok had written. Of course it wasn't comparable to a real person playing, but it was good enough to think about possible lyrics and beats he wanted to add. He had shown Hoseok his progress just recently to cheer him up. Similarly to the way he had fought to get Hoseok to return to his old self, Hyungwon was the one who had to be strong now, for both of them. He had to help and do everything in his might to make Hoseok feel better, happy even. 

They hadn't even been close sexually, apart from a blow job here and there (which wasn't much for Hyungwon's standards) because he kept worrying that he'd hurt Hoseok’s hand unnecessarily. Maybe hanging out with Changkyun would have given him some new input. It was important to see how the world still moved on for other people even if both of them stayed home. 

Minhyuk had visited once. His friend had told Hoseok all kinds of hilarious stories in which children did or said something funny and Hoseok had laughed the same way he always did, impossibly bright and cheerful, contagious even. But still Hyungwon couldn't help the feeling that he couldn't fill out everything that Hoseok had been missing. 

Dangling his long legs from the grand piano, he let his fingers graze the sturdy and cold material. He imagined how much it must have meant to Hoseok, like having an externalized language that was used to express oneself to the fullest, whereas the internalized one was limited. Hyungwon was satisfied with what he could express with lyrics. It was sufficient. The music only served as an accompaniment to his thoughts, an expression of his personal taste, instead of containing a message. Unless Hoseok had composed it. 

Taking a deep breath he leaned back on the black lid, resting his head on his arm and staring at the ceiling. He wondered what else he could do to help Hoseok. 

_ You could jump over your own shadow and give him music, for instance.  _

It was about time for Hoseok to return, but Hyungwon couldn't be stuffed standing up. He remained on the piano instead, imagining how a younger version of Hoseok had sat next to it and spoke about his personal worries and beliefs. He propped one of his legs up and chuckled, thinking about how ironic it was that the two of them were so different, disliking each other from beginning on, but still so similar, needing each other in the end.    
  
The door opened slowly and Hoseok’s smiling face appeared in the crack. His bright smile faded and his eyes widened at the sight of Hyungwon lying on his piano.    
  
“Uhm, why are you lying on it? It’s uncomfortable, isn't it?” He came closer, taking slow steps. His facial expression was unreadable for once.

Hyungwon smiled, not looking up and genuinely assessing whether it had been uncomfortable. It was a little cool, but he had been lying on worse objects before. He laughed at his thoughts. 

“A little hard, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. How was it with Changkyun? Are Lena and him going strong?” His eyes remained closed and he let his right hand slide over the even surface, still trying to comprehend what Hoseok must have been going through. 

Silence filled the room. There was no answer, just the sound of Hoseok sucking in air. 

That was normal, considering that Hoseok really sucked at answering questions. But complete silence as an answer was new.

“Hoseok, are you alright?” He remained the way he was, his palm lying flat on the surface as he turned his head, taking a proper look at the other man. 

“You're driving me mad, Chae Hyungwon,” Hoseok answered. There was blush covering his cheeks and the fingers of his left hand curled into a fist. 

But Hyungwon was neither naked, nor teasing the other man in any way. He was plainly lying on top of a piano and tried to understand Hoseok better, to make the other man forget that he only had Hyungwon, instead of the object he was lying on.

“Why am I driving you mad?” he asked, but still didn't move from him spot on the piano. It was kind of nice, high enough, plus it made Hoseok blush. 

“My muse is lying on top of my passion, stroking it tenderly, and I'm a man with one hand,” the blonde man whined. “Fuck my life.”

Hyungwon chuckled at Hoseok’s antics. The pianist was saying deep shit again, while he himself was keeping things simple. 

“And why would only one hand be a problem?” he asked and sat up, crossing his legs and placing both palms flat next to his thighs, stroking the wood a little, for effect this time. “In addition it's ‘one functioning hand’. Don't go pirate and amputation on me.”

“I'm a pianist so I bet I can make you moan my name with my left hand too.” A nasty smirk appeared on the other man's face. Hyungwon’s actions were riling the other up visibly. 

_ Sweet. _

“Wait, are you telling me that me lying on your piano turns you on?” Hyungwon asked with a grin and uncrossed his legs, spreading them instead. “And that when I  _ for once _ tried to understand you? I prepared something. If you're able to wait with jumping me that is.”

“You want to understand me? Why?” Hoseok’s social competence was non-existent. 

Hyungwon wanted to groan in frustration. They were dating and loved each other for fuck's sake. Sometimes it seemed like they were talking different languages, Hoseok, one that consisted of musical metaphors and the inability to answer questions and Hyungwon one, that was filled with curses, sexual innuendos and expectations.    
  
Life was fun. 

“Because it's more likely that I won't get confused by your weird ass reactions that you have sometimes. I love you, you love me, so we try to come up with compromises and shit? Rings a bell?” He chuckled and stroked over the piano again, beginning the first compromise by explaining more when it was necessary. A soft smile spread his lips instead of the teasing chuckle as he was visibly affected by the genuity. “I want to understand what music really means to you, what this piano really means to you. If you’ll let me.”

“Hmm...” The other man seemed deeply in thought, walking over to the instrument, slow steps approaching until the fingers of his left hand touched the black, shiny surface, stroking it tenderly before the other man glanced up. “Before, there was nothing else for me. Nothing but this. I loved it, but what the fuck is love without pain and suffering, so I hated it too.” Hoseok closed his eyes and continued the movement of his fingers. “Now you, the human sitting on it, normalized the relationship. I don't even know how to say it. I love it but I love you and it's so different that I can't really compare. It's as if I needed to love you to be able to love the piano properly, not in a destructive or demanding way, just the way it was. And the piano...” His eyes opened slowly, catching Hyungwon’s gaze before speaking. “It helped me loving you. I don't know if that makes sense.” The beautiful man rested his hand on the instrument and waited. 

Hyungwon wasn't sure if it did. It sounded as if Hoseok had been obsessed with the piano and Hyungwon's presence had normalized it like an addiction, turning it into something that he enjoyed instead of something he couldn't live without. 

“But what if that deep relationship you had with music is what helps your creativity? What if it's like with patients who stop being depressed and aren't able to draw anymore? Even I feel like I write better lyrics when I feel like shit. I don't want everything to be honey and butterflies.” He shook his head furiously at the image. “That'd be boring and I'm too extreme for that.” Hyungwon hoped that he made sense, placed his palm over Hoseok’s and pulled the other man towards him, such that he stood between his spread legs. “I don't want to take something from you and I feel like that's what I'm doing.”

“The question is whether I'm taking something from you, because I'm a person you can't take things away from.” A sad smile appeared on Hoseok’s face while his hands just hung around his body. “I always felt that you were much more complex than I am, emotionally at least, but ignorant as I am, I just think that it doesn't matter, and that as long as you'll tolerate me, I'll be happy and will try to make you happy too.” 

Hyungwon hugged him without hesitating much, pressing him closer into his embrace. It seemed so strange to him, how Hoseok managed to seem younger than him in such situations, unaware of how to act or what to do, just doing what he thought was right without any social norms or rules binding him. Hyungwon felt older but he was also envious. Not giving a shit must have been blissful, not always but often. 

“You're not taking anything from me, you’re just constantly giving without stopping. You always give me everything. How am I supposed to know when it's too much when you're so willing?” He placed a kiss on Hoseok’s lips and made sure that his right hand remained limp at his side. He was taking the ‘don't move it’ rule very seriously. “You're so complex that I don't get shit, Hoseok, so don't worry. I have enough inspiration for music for the next century just by watching you. Will you let me do something for you? I fought with myself a lot and finally decided.”

“Like what?” Hoseok’s head tilted to the side. Hyungwon sighed, covering up the fact that he was a little embarrassed and pretended to be annoyed. 

“Will you let me slide off your passion then? It's two things even. One of them is kinda crazy and the other…” What was it if not crazy as well? “Emotionally crazy cause it's words.” 

“I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about, but I'll just act as if I'm ready.” He stepped back, smiled and it looked beautiful. Hyungwon couldn't resist mirroring the smile and walked over to his room, grabbing the instrument he had hidden away several years ago and that had only not been dusty because he had used it throughout the week. Entering the living room he felt the worry return and his coping strategies kicking in. 

“You better appreciate the effort even if you don't like it. It has been a while, but I was pretty damn good before,” he murmured and took the violin out, putting it to his chin and tuning it, eyes closed.    
  
“Are you going to play for me?” Hoseok stood there with his mouth open, before realizing that shit was about to go down. “Oh my god.” A silent whisper escaped before the blonde sank onto the piano chair.

_ Is he really that slow or is that just his way of coping with surprises, Hyungwon? _

“Of course I'm going to play, idiot. What else would I do with a fucking violin?” Hyungwon was getting mean, nervousness even more present, scared to be judged by Hoseok although the violin was always the one instrument he had been confident in. “What would you like me to play?”   
  
The other just kept staring without saying a word, waiting for him to start. Hyungwon took another deep breath, making sure all strings were properly tuned and decided to play one of his favourite pieces, quick and emotional, very much like himself. Mendelssohn’s violin concerto E minor had always been his favourite, even if he wasn't going to play it in its full length. 

Keeping his eyes on the ground he began, letting the violin bow slide smoothly over the first few strings, beginning the melody and almost immediately switching to the higher notes, closing his eyes the further he got. The worry stepped back to make room for his long fingers and the quick movements they required to perform, small smile tickling at the corners of his mouth. He really loved that piece. His hands moved fast, concentrating to make the transition from one solo to the next more fluent while lacking the support of a whole string orchestra. His eyes closed almost automatically. Visual input was only a disturbance to the way his fingers switched the strings and the bow evoked the notes, each one confident on its own.

When he let the last few tunes sound through the room, he finally opened his eyes, ending prematurely and improvising a finish that Mendelson himself might have created. It was stretched notes with a few higher interruptions. Taking another deep breath, he let the violin rest at his side and willed his heart to calm down before he finally looked up, glancing at Hoseok.    
  
The blonde opened his eyes that had been closed all that time, expression strangely serious and in thought. He didn’t move, not a single inch, just staying in place. The only sign of him being alive were the blinks of his pale eyelids.    
  
“Can you play that again?” he finally spoke, still sitting in the same position, only his lips moving along to the sounds. Hyungwon almost choked at the sudden request. 

“Play it a-again? The whole thing?” he stuttered dumbly as if he had a two digit IQ and was unable to understand the most basic instructions. His piano teacher had been a dick and always forced him to repeat everything if he made the slightest mistake or simply played with too little emotion. 

  
“No, until the second solo starts, this will be enough,” Hoseok answered like a robot, ressources for facial expressions hiding somewhere else or working on something furiously. As usual, Hyungwon must have misinterpreted him as something strange was happening in the other man's head that would only become clear after he had followed his request. 

“Of course,” he muttered and lifted the violin to his chin again, inhaling deeply before exhaling and beginning anew, focusing more on the transitions this time, loving the flow of the theme and how it changed just like the mood. It reminded him a little of spring.  
  
A soft piano melody mixed into the sounds, so different, but absolutely fitting, piece becoming more complete. Hoseok sat at the piano, playing with his left hand, softly, sometimes jumping from one octave to another, unable to make up for both hands, but still trying and making it so much more beautiful. Hyungwon's chest felt impossibly full at the sight although he would have considered it impossibly cheesy had someone described it to him. The fact that Hoseok was not playing for him but with him was different from everything they had shared before. For the first time since he had met the blonde pianist, he felt like they were thinking and perceiving the exact same thing. 

Unwilling to stop Hyungwon played the second solo too, improvising the ending again and slowing down so Hoseok was able to improvise himself and hear where he would stop. The chord was beautiful, remaining in the air even when both of them had stopped playing.    
  
“You playing violin is honestly the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” Hoseok started, looking up from the keys and smiling. 

“‘Cause I have long fingers?” Hyungwon asked with a grin and wiggled them, trying to break the atmosphere because he really wasn't good with emotionally loaded situations. Suddenly crying because it was beautiful was rather weird so he had to do something else before that happened, joke around, release pressure or say something sexual.    
  
“No. Because you can feel the music and I can feel that in the way you play. Remember me telling you that I’m a violin? Isn’t it funny? The way you play it now, it seems even more real than when I said that back then.” The blonde stood up, facial expressions so incredibly soft.

“I felt it, you know. That when you touch me it's as if I control the music. It's crazy and makes me feel so powerful. I can't really comprehend how your brain works.” Hyungwon stared at Hoseok in awe, placing the violin back into its holder and taking another deep breath, wishing that the little bit of piano playing had made it easier for Hoseok to take the loss.   
  
“I’m kind of scared. I’m afraid I won’t let you go anywhere at this point, like a possessive creep.” The other man laughed with his mouth open, before walking over to Hyungwon and stroking his cheek with the knuckles of his left hand. He went up on his toes and placed a kiss on Hyungwon’s forehead.

“You're tiny and I love it,” Hyungwon murmured with a smile, leaning down a little to kiss him on the lips in return and curled his arms around him. “You'll just not let me go like a creep and I'll sex you up like a maniac, ruining all of your lovely music metaphors with sexual innuendos.” He laughed and looked to the ceiling, amazed how relaxed the atmosphere was and how dumb he had been to believe Hoseok would judge his violin skills. 

“I still have lyrics to show you though, so don't love me too much yet,” Hyungwon whispered as he looked back down and pressed his forehead against Hoseok’s.    
  
“I’m really looking forward to hear them. Also those amazing beats you make, I want you to show me.” Hoseok grinned at the mention of his favourite sentence. “Show me, everything.”

Hyungwon rolled his eyes and let him go, grasping his left hand instead to pull him into his room. The equipment was already prepared and he just hoped Hoseok would be satisfied with his interpretation of the melody. 

“And that's coming from someone who said that I just turn knobs and think a Macbook is an instrument. Maybe I'll condition you and just get undressed everytime you say ‘show me’.” He let Hoseok sit on his office chair and kneeled in front of the pc, mouse moving over the play button of the track.    
  
“You’re cute.” The blonde ruffled his black hair while he was kneeling down. Hyungwon barely refrained from choking him with his bare hands, eyes narrowing and lips forming a grimace of disgust. Hoseok must have been kidding him. 

“Why the fuck would I be cute, Hoseok? I ride dick like a champ. Maybe when I try to look innocent for effect, big eyes and shit, but not when I'm doing anything else. Seriously, what the fuck?” The other just smiled, eyes turning into thin crescent moons.   
  
“Oh god, how did I miss that, seriously? You’re the cutest person I’ve ever seen.” Hoseok started laughing and patting his head, obviously recognizing the lack of understanding in his eyes. Okay, that was definitely too much disrespect. 

“Bitch, I think not,” Hyungwon growled and climbed on top of Hoseok, closing his hands around his neck and shaking him back and forth. “Take it back, you dick!”   
  
The blonde just flexed his neck muscles and made visibly fake choking noises. That little shit.    
  
“You would be a cute little kitty even if you’d ride a giant cactus. The riding part is not the focus here, babe.” The laughing got louder. Hoseok had obviously lost his shit and found the whole situation incredibly funny. Hyungwon just groaned and let him go, sinking back to the ground to get to fucking business. 

“I'm going to show you this and then you'll tell me if it's good enough and then guess who'll be seeing what he got himself into. Exactly, you. A little spoiler, my cupboard will be involved. Kitty my ass,” he said, biting his lip in a mixture of annoyance and helplessness. He couldn't really convince Hoseok like this. For that the other had to beg, but Hyungwon wanted to show him the song first.   
  
“Yes whatever the cute kitty wants to scare me with. I’m really looking forward to what you’ve produced.” Hoseok smiled warmly after the absolutely unnecessary pet names and other disrespectful insults.

Hyungwon just ignored it, proving that he was the smarter one (even if it was just for himself) and pressed the button. The melody Hoseok had played for him while Hyungwon sat on his lap began playing, supported by a few deeper bass sounds but not as close to dance music as Hyungwon's compositions usually were. Hoseok’s touch was easily identifiable. 

Hyungwon had sung the guide and hoped Hoseok would know what he had tried to say. His hands felt a little clammy from the worry. He wasn’t looking at Hoseok’s face on purpose. A few more seconds followed before his own voice began singing on top of the complex composition, deep as usual.

_ Cross my heart, hope to die _ _   
_ _ To my lover, I'd never lie _ _   
_ _ He said "be true", I swear I'll try _ _   
_ _ In the end, it's him and I _ _   
_ _ He's out his head, I'm out my mind _ _   
_ _ We got that love, the crazy kind _ _   
_ _ I am his and he is mine _ _   
_ __ In the end, it's him and I, him and I

It was difficult to not be pulled into the emotions he had felt when he had written it, fingers grabbing the table and other hand resting on Hoseok’s thigh. The pianist really meant the world to him even if Hyungwon kept insulting him and wasn't able give him everything he needed and deserved. His fingers dug further into Hoseok’s thigh the closer the ending bridge came. He mouthed along to the words, unable to sit still. 

_ Cross my heart, hope to die _ _   
_ _ This is our ride or die _ _   
_ _ You can confide in me _ _   
_ _ There is no hiding, I swear _ _   
_ _ Stay solid, never lie to you _ _   
_ __ Swear, most likely I'ma die with you

Hyungwon's voice returned the calm, song slowing again, fitting to the simulation of Hoseok’s melody and when the last chords filled the room before silence spread the worry rose in his throat again. He already knew that Hoseok wouldn't judge but he would need more situations to stop being afraid of it. Luckily Hoseok intended to stay so he would have many opportunities to be convinced. 

“What do you think?” he murmured, turning off the screen and finally looking towards Hoseok, trying not to show too much emotion on his face. “Fuck, I hope it's okay. I haven't been thinking about anything but this and your hand for the past week.” Hyungwon sounded breathless even to his own ears.

He had never been good at expressing his emotions with words just like that, without any accompaniment. Through lyrics it seemed so much more genuine, more real than a simple love confession. After all, Hyungwon had been someone who externalized emotions to deal with them.    
  
Hoseok closed his eyes.   
  
“We got this love, the crazy kind,” he sang with his low voice that rarely came out on stage. “In the end, it’s him and I. I love it, seriously.” A warm smile spread his lips and he placed a hand on Hyungwon’s shoulder, squeezing it lightly. “You’re amazing.” 

Hyungwon genuinely considered to let the other man sing the song instead, as long as he used that low voice of his, fuck. He didn't even try to hide the smile that took over his features. It felt like he bled happiness through his fucking pores.

“Amazing enough to not be insulted and laughed at anymore?” he asked with a grin. “I'll record the piano anew before releasing it. When your hand is healthy and you can play it for me. Would you… sing it?”   
  
Hoseok turned around, as if someone insulted him.   
  
“Why? Why me? Why don’t you sing it? It’s really good the way it is.” The other man started gesturing with his hand furiously. Hyungwon just sighed, feeling how his lower lip twitched and licking over it quickly. 

“I don't sing on my tracks, Hoseok. I never do. And you are the closest person that could express what I'm trying to say. In addition Kihyun would get a triple orgasm and love us forever for the collab.” Thinking about the consequences of a track with ‘Wonho’ he grinned. “And it'll rain money on me from all your groupies.”   
  
Hoseok seemed in thought, sucking on his bottom lip, his eyes big and his hand playing with the fabric of Hyungwon’s shirt.    
  
“If you want it, sure,” he murmured, not confidently, but it was a yes in the end. Hyungwon grinned. Standing up, he grasped Hoseok’s jaw with his right hand, letting his thumb slide over the curved shape of the other’s lips as he leaned down a little further. 

“Next time you want to call me cute remember that you give me everything I want because you're a good boy,” he whispered before pressing his lips to Hoseok’s, licking inside his mouth and separating as quickly as he kissed him. “Muscular but still sweet.”

It was the truth. No matter what Hyungwon had ever asked of Hoseok, he had received it all, be it sexual or affectionate. 

_ Except for that time you wanted him to hit you, Hyungwon. Except for that.  _

Glancing at the blonde man in front of him, lips moist from the kiss and eyes wide at his words, filled with so much affection, Hyungwon realized that for the first time in what felt like forever he didn't even want him to. He didn't want Hoseok to hurt him. 

“Holy shit,” he whispered, fingers tightening on Hoseok’s jaw, and clashed their mouths together. 

He had lost his mind but for once it was a good thing.    
  


 

***

 

“How are you not lying in the corner, crying your eyes out and acting half dead? I’m genuinely amazed!” Changkyun had asked him when they met up together with Lena at a nice breakfast place. People that had known him for a long time were surprised at his coping strategies, just smiling and talking about unimportant stuff, mentally stable and relatively calm.    
  
He missed the piano. He missed it so much that it reminded him of the time he had waited for it after moving to Germany. When Hyungwon had been out to produce, he played, only with his left hand, stroking the keys and smiling at the melody, incomplete but so strangely comforting. It had been hard to be in a good mood during all this time, but after he came back from his date with Chang-Lena, Hyungwon had been lying on his piano. It was like some kind of unrealistic fantasy of his, but it was real. The man lay on the grand piano while stroking the black surface and bullshitting about not trying to be sexy.    
  
_ Right. _ _   
_ _   
_ When the black-haired figure came into the room holding a violin, Hoseok thought about everything, really, every fucking thing, apart from the possibility of Hyungwon really playing it. But he did. Chae Hyungwon was always up for a surprise. Hoseok closed his eyes and let the beautiful melody flow along his veins, stroking his skin and spreading into his lungs through the air he was sucking in desperately. He wanted to play, he wanted to play too, to add some piano to it.   
  
_ Just do it, Hoseok. It doesn’t need to be perfect, just play. _ _   
_ _   
_ He did. His left hand flew over the keys, a smile playing along his lips at the beautiful wrecking ball of music surrounding them. A huge bubble, only violin, piano, him and Hyungwon. The accompaniment wasn’t optimal but it was beautiful. For the first time it was okay to not be perfect. Hoseok almost stopped breathing at the realization that he was able to just do what he wanted with the instrument. He was able to be play with it, to not use it for solving a problem but to make himself feel good.   
  
_ You are so lucky, Hoseok, fuck how did you end up meeting a person like that? _ _   
_ _   
_ It was not enough apparently as Hyungwon had dragged him into his room to show him the lyrics he had written for the melody. Hoseok thought it would be lyrics but it was a whole finished song. A beautiful song, sang in Hyungwon’s deep voice, words so honest and so authentically him.    
  
_ In the end it’s him and I. _ _   
_ __   
Something in Hyungwon’s eyes changed, flow of thoughts visible before he whispered ‘holy shit’ and went for his mouth like a mental person. They had this love, the crazy kind. Hoseok kissed back, holding on with one hand for dear life. Hyungwon ravished his mouth for what felt like minutes before he let go, holding onto his shoulders and breathing heavily, eyes a little crazed.

“I want to fuck you up, Hoseok,” he whispered, wonder switching to determination and biting his lip. He would’ve lied if he had said that he didn’t want it. All of it.    
  
“Fuck me up then,” he whispered out of breath, kissing already absolutely sufficient to drive him mad. Something appeared in Hyungwon’s eyes, but it was difficult to tell what it was and how it differed from the way he usually looked when he jumped Hoseok.

“On a scale from 0 to 10, how willing would you be to let my fingers get familiar with your ass while I chain you to the bed?” How Hyungwon kept such a straight face while saying all of that was a mystery. “Before you return the favour of course ‘cause your dick belongs inside me. It’s a law.”   
  
“I don’t know. Show me.” What was there to think about? He had gotten a gay blowjob on a piano chair, fell in love with a man he hated before and broke his wrist while hitting a person's head against the floor. What could he be afraid of, seriously? He had already done all those things he had never thought would be stored somewhere in his memories and form his sense of reality. 

Hyungwon just stared at him for a few seconds before standing up very calmly and switching off his computer. Then he walked over to his bed and threw a few tissues and lube on top of it before he finally looked at Hoseok.

“I actually can’t believe you’re letting me do this, but I’m not gonna back out now,” he said with a grin and then looked towards the bathroom awkwardly. “You’ll kinda have to get cleaned up though, if you know what I mean.” Hoseok might have behaved like an idiot, but he surely wasn’t one. He nodded and went to the bathroom, cleaning himself thoroughly with his left hand and thinking about the scary amount of trust he was ready to throw in Hyungwon’s face. Tugging a white towel around his hips he went back to the room, not sure about what he should prepare himself for. That cupboard looked like a weapon arsenal.

Hyungwon was standing in front of his sex toy heaven and appeared in thought, glancing quickly in Hoseok’s direction before turning back to the cupboard and grabbing a few things, also throwing them on the bed, joining the lube and tissues. His eyes froze on Hoseok’s frame belatedly, probably realizing he was only wearing a towel. Stalking over to him the black-haired man curled his hand around Hoseok’s left wrist and pulled him towards himself, letting the towel slide off his hips smoothly. The lip bite didn’t go unnoticed.

“You won’t need that,” he whispered and kissed him, hands roaming over Hoseok’s chest and back. Whatever the other man was thinking, it must’ve been decided already and Hoseok was a fucking toy in that amazing scenario. Fair enough. He pointed at Hyungwon’s clothes in question. He hoped the other would get undressed too, and having only one hand sucked dick in a bad way. He wasn’t able to do anything remotely useful, for example undressing the other man like he wanted to.

“Don’t worry I’ll take care of that, babe,” Hyungwon answered with a smile and pushed Hoseok towards the bed, not missing to stroke over his chest in the process. “Get closer to the headboard, so it’s comfy.” The other man arranged his stuff on the side and took a pair of handcuffs, gesturing towards the headboard again.   
  
_ Isn’t it amazing, Hoseok? You love suffering, don’t you? _ _   
_ __   
No, but he loved Hyungwon and if the black-haired kitty-turned-devil wanted to chain him to the headboard then that’s how it was going to be. The end. He crawled over and lay down, waiting for the show to begin, collecting his willpower and everything else that he considered helpful while dealing with horny Hyungwon. 

“Good boy,” Hyungwon murmured as he climbed over him and attached his left hand to the headboard with the handcuffs, enough to constrict Hoseok’s freedom of moving but not uncomfortable, especially since the handcuffs weren’t pure metal. However, instead of cuffing his other hand somehow Hyungwon grabbed a lace ribbon and began tying it around Hoseok’s underarm carefully.

“Your wrist is broken so I’m sure as hell not cuffing it to my bed,” Hyungwon explained as he began attaching the ribbon next to the cuffs, some serious knots holding the whole thing in place. Finishing his work of art the other man looked excited. It was cute, eyes lighting up and cheeks lifting from the way he smiled. Grinning, he let his hands draw patterns on Hoseok’s shoulders and abs, touching only lightly as if he was enjoying the fact that Hoseok wasn’t able to do anything about it. “Watch and learn, because I fucking love that shit. The other way around actually, but it’s amazing either way.”    
  
“Wait until my wrist is okay and the first thing I’ll use it on will be cuffing you to the headboard like that,” Hoseok growled, the touch already doing things while Hyungwon’s long fingers slid along his moist skin.

“Don’t be a dick,” Hyungwon hissed and slapped his chest. “I’m supposed to be riling you up, not the other way around.” Smirking, he crawled on top of Hoseok’s lap and kissed him passionately, licking over his lower lip and biting down on it harshly before leaning back and opening the first buttons of his shirt. His movements were slow as fuck and very much unlike his impatient self when it came to sex.   
  
The pain in his lower stomach told him that it was going to be hell and Hyungwon would be leading the whole fire spectacle, not backing off and making him suffer. The effect those slow movements had on him was already overwhelming, the way the other man straddled his lap only added up to the sensation. He really felt like an instrument.

“You know what I like?” Hyungwon asked teasingly and let his shirt slip down his shoulders but kept it wrinkled at the elbows, not leaving his body completely. He rolled his hips while loosening the button of his jeans, fingers easily pulling down the zipper while focusing on Hoseok’s face and the fact that rubbing over his erection had an effect.   
  
“Making people suffer?” Hoseok answered while closing his eyes for a second to catch his breath. Hyungwon’s eyes narrowed in reply before he smirked, probably understanding Hoseok belatedly.

“If by suffer you mean bust a nut, then yes,” he said calmly and made some space to pull his jeans down his legs, uncovering the golden skin that Hoseok loved so much. “I enjoy seeing you lose control, babe. That’s what I like.”    
  
“I’m scary when I lose control though. Also, I don’t really lose control. It’s as if something else takes over for my mind. It’s also controlled, only less rational.” Hoseok smirked remembering the way they had sex in the shower. It was a good example for shifting control. A nasty smirk appeared on his face unconsciously before he licked his lips and caught Hyungwon’s gaze. “Want to crawl at me like the cute kitty you are?” Something inside him went absolutely crazy, he wanted to see Hyungwon lose his shit. Opposed to the angry reaction he had received before Hyungwon’s eyes widened and he bit his lip, hard, inhaling slowly.

“You’re fucking hot and not scary, Hoseok. ‘Being dropped on Hoseok’s dick’ is the only entry in my diary under ‘best day of my life’,” he replied finally, looking to the side briefly before Hoseok regained his attention, smirk replacing the lip biting. Hyungwon had a thing for looking away when he wanted to have control over his facial expressions.

“Now it’s time to reduce some of that coherence though,” he whispered and did the exact thing Hoseok asked him to, slowly crawling towards him, lower lip pulled between his teeth and licking over his abs until he reached his chest, biting down on a nipple lightly.   
  
_ Fuck, fuck fuck fuck, Hoseok, you dumb animal. _ _   
_ __   
His own fantasy bit him in the ass by teasing so hard that he thought he would burst already. Hyungwon didn’t even touch him properly and the sight was already too much to handle. The beautiful man smiled against his skin, letting his tongue run over his other nipple before he bit along the skin of his solar plexus, finally stopping at the navel to dip his tongue into it.

“You like the image?” he asked and leaned back to pull off his underwear, smirk in place.   
  
Hoseok did what he could do best, namely not giving answers to questions. He just moaned at the sight of Hyungwon sliding down his trunks, the way his face looked, that playful smile and his eyes, staring and full of excitement. 

Hyungwon apparently liked the physical answer as he sucked in a breath himself and let his fingers stroke the inside of Hoseok’s thighs, circling around his erection like a fucking eagle around his pray. His face was partially more of a turn on than his fingers were, lower lip constantly sucked into his mouth as he was watching Hoseok attentively, strongly affected by the sight. 

“I still wonder how effective I was with making you unable to want anything but me,” the other man whispered between his legs, hot breath hitting his skin and tongue placing kitten licks on his thighs, biting down occasionally before licking over them again. 

“What do you want to hear?” Hoseok teased with some recollected ability to form a coherent sentence. Hyungwon pouted, looking up at him and replacing his tongue with his hands again, like a little punishment.

“The truth.”

“You look so smart, but you're slow with stuff like that, aren't you?” He smirked at the cuteness, before talking again. “You're everything I've ever wanted, since I've met you. Nothing has changed.” Hyungwon bit down on the inner side of his left thigh and smirked at the way his body jerked in response. 

“I wouldn't really say that nothing changed,” he whispered before placing his index finger on the tip of Hoseok’s cock, drawing slow circles. “You didn't want me from the day you met me, unless choking me is included in that equation.” It wasn't quite the case though. 

“No, you're mistaken. Of course my behaviour towards you changed, but I kept doing things that didn't make sense from the start. You having a masturbation feast? I should've went out. You disturbing me while having sex? Punch you once, or just take a hotel room. When you cried? I should've brought you a glass of water and told you to calm the fuck down.” Hoseok finished, smiling at his own inability to realize. Hyungwon stared at him, stopping his ministrations and the path of his index finger.   


“You're so fucking weird, Hoseok. I'm trying to get you in the mood to suck you off and you go all epiphany on me. You mean you're usually less weird?” The little devil smirked, probably not believing Hoseok was capable of normal social behaviour. 

“If you were a woman I normally have sex with…,” he started, not sure whether it was a good idea to pack out while lying cuffed against a headboard, with Hyungwon all over him. “I would be able to control myself such that you'd be doing everything you want and I'd be listening to a Liszt sonata inside my head, not giving a shit.” He paused. “So yeah, normally I'm probably weirder, but in a different way.” 

“But instead of not giving a shit you're listening to the Liszt sonata I'm letting you hear?” Hyungwon asked and resumed the circling of his index finger, other hand grabbing Hoseok’s dick tightly to keep it in place as he increased his efforts, touches remaining light. “Are you feeling music right now? You seem so strangely coherent for your standards.”

“I'm trying to concentrate on you, so it's pretty much in the background. And I'm not listening, it's tingling all over my body.” It seemed like a class, him explaining how he felt and Hyungwon trying to distract him with tentative movements of his fingers. Funnily enough the other man blushed at the words, nodding quietly and licking a path from the base of his dick to the tip, stabilizing it with the other hand. The additional colour looked beautiful on his dark skin, adding to the redness of his lips. The licks remained torturously slow, covering the whole length but never stimulating more than the thin path of Hyungwon's tongue. 

After what could have been several minutes the other man finally sucked at the transition between the head and the base, licking at the slit and tentatively moving the head of Hoseok’s dick the first few centimetres into his mouth before immediately pulling it back. He really wanted Hoseok to suffer this time. Hyungwon's other hand was massaging his balls, staying true to his love of varying sensations. 

“You should be so happy,” Hoseok groaned at him, eyes closing from the wish to pull at the cuffs. Hyungwon sucked at the tip harshly before letting it hit Hoseok’s stomach, glancing up at him and licking over his lips. 

“Why?” he asked playfully, rubbing his naked ass over Hoseok’s legs, shirt still pooled at his elbows. The slim man on his lap really enjoyed teasing. 

“Because I want to play piano later so I won't try to free myself and fuck you.” He winced at the loss of Hyungwon’s lips that felt so good around his dick. 

“Fuck, I love it when you fuck me the way you want to,” Hyungwon murmured, biting his lip again and grabbing the lube from the night table. “I'll speed up a tiny bit. Just for you, babe.” He let a walnut sized amount cover his palm and rubbed it between his fingers, warming it up. Without any further warning he took Hoseok as far as possible into his mouth and sucked along the length, repeatedly moving his his head up and down in a quick pace. 

Shit, the sensation hit him in the face like a middle sized brick, moans the only thing he had been able to produce with his vocal cords, arms hitting against the headboard and hips thrusting up intuitively. Hyungwon pressed his left hand down on his thigh, keeping him in place as he deepthroated him repeatedly, sensation of something wet appearing at his backside but not strong enough to compete with Hyungwon's blowjob skills.

The black-haired man was rubbing circles against him, spreading the lube as he sucked his way up and down Hoseok’s dick. He sucked at the tip harshly when he finally breached him with a finger, carefully but immediately pressing upwards. 

“Fuck.” Stars shot somewhere from behind his eyelids and spikes rushed through his body. Hyungwon just hummed with his dick in his mouth and pushed the same spot again, continuously with each time he swallowed his erection. 

“Like it?” he asked, as he let go of Hoseok’s dick but continued pumping his finger in and out of him. “You prefer the pressure, the movement or the combo, babe?”

Hoseok had no idea what he preferred, besides being able to move with two functioning limbs. The wish to jump Hyungwon was so prominent that he couldn't think about anything else, moaning and closing his eyes. 

“I don't fucking know, you drive me mad, fuck.” His voice got even lower, sign of losing control over his own body. Hyungwon smiled and added another, pleasure forming a whole electric shock and spreading into his legs. 

“Two should be good for you cause the whole point is feeling good. Don't you dare come yet,” he murmured and took Hoseok into his mouth again. Easier said than done. He was a moaning, tingling mess. If that was how Hyungwon felt like every time he had his pianist fingers inside him, he must’ve eaten a bunch of self control to behave like a more or less normal person, whereas Hoseok felt like a bunch of nerve cells one had put into a electric socket.

Smiling, Hyungwon let go of Hoseok’s erection, just in time to avoid him coming, fingers leaving his ass.

“Fuck, you're beautiful like this, Hoseok. I love driving you mad. Do you want to fuck me, babe?”   
  
He felt like an animal someone put in a cage. He wanted to break free and he wanted to jump Hyungwon, so badly that it hurt, physically.   
  
“You,” he started but closed his eyes to calm down a little, afraid of the stuff that might leave his mouth when he started talking.

“Me?” Hyungwon breathed out impossibly close to his ear, lips touching his ear lobe. “Say it, babe.”   
  
“I love it when you scream while I fuck you.” That was at least remotely civilized compared to all the other stuff fighting for dominance inside his head and wishing to be released. Hyungwon sucked in a breath, loud enough to be a little painful since his lips were right next to his ear. 

“I want to sit on your face so bad,” he whispered as his hands roamed Hoseok’s chest and legs, riling him up without touching properly.   
  
“Do it. Whatever you want, but fucking do it.” Hoseok hated the immobility, it drove him mad. His strength was good for nothing, only legs, but grabbing Hyungwon with them wouldn’t have helped him anyway. 

The black-haired man moaned and he got up to change the way he tied Hoseok to the bed. It became obvious how fucking hard he was, face flushed and tip leaking. 

“I'll let you lie down properly,” he murmured as his hands made quick work of the rope and the handcuffs. As soon as Hoseok lay down he cuffed and tied him back up. 

“You know what I mean by sitting on your face, right?” Hyungwon asked carefully, thighs contracting irregularly, probably at the image.   
  
“Get your fucking ass here, Chae Hyungwon,” The end. It was the end of his composure. If he did give a fuck about his ignorant attitude before, now was the point where he didn’t give a single fuck about not giving a fuck. It was magical.

Hyungwon gulped audibly and crawled over again, but not before licking over his erection once like a fucking tease. Placing his thighs on each side of Hoseok’s head he grabbed the headboard with both hands and gasped. 

“Oh my god, I'm going to fucking die, Hoseok.”   
  
No, Hoseok was already dying. His whole body was on fire, the damn music everywhere around him and the gorgeous figure over him.   
  
_ Where did all that intensity come from suddenly, Hoseok? But fuck it, make him scream. _ _   
_ __   
He would’ve loved to grab the other's lean thighs firmly but fuck, his hands were out of reach and he stared up, sliding over his lips with his tongue slowly, making up for everything by using facial expressions and the only muscle he could move. Hyungwon groaned, moving away a little from the sensations until he realized that there was nothing holding him in place and he sank down again.

“Fuck, fuck fuck,” he murmured and Hoseok could hear how his nails scratched along the headboard and what sounded suspiciously like the wall. Hoseok didn’t care about anything, he put his mass of frustration in his tongue and moved it mercilessly, sucking and licking like a hungry animal. There it was, Hyungwon screamed, loud and clear and his thighs tightened around Hoseok’s head mercilessly.

“Fuck, sorry,” the beautiful man panted when he loosened the hold. “I can’t fucking do this, I’m dying.” Climbing off Hoseok’s face,  he just stared at him, eyes wide and lips puffy, rosy color covering his cheeks and going all the way down to his chest. Hoseok stared back while licking his lips again, suppressing the wish to smash the headboard.

“I’m going to ride you,” Hyungwon murmured, but didn’t sound very convinced himself, grabbing something next to the bed while not letting his eyes leave Hoseok’s body. Maybe the wish to rip the ribbon and handcuff off the headboard was recognizable on his face. “But I’ll make you squirm while doing so.”  
  
His eyes narrowed and he watched Hyungwon intently. Fuck, he had really become scary, but there was nobody who had teased him that hard before. He just kept staring, without saying a word.   
  
_ Chill, Hoseok. Relax, everything has an ending. _

Hyungwon lifted something small and pressed a button with a smirk, vibrating noise filling the air. 

“That’s for you,” he remarked with a smile as he took Hoseok into his mouth again, keeping the licks teasing, not meant to make him come at all, even letting his teeth graze over the shaft lightly. “It’s tiny but does a pretty good job. Don’t die.”   
  
_ Is there even an ending with him, Hoseok? It’ll just continue until one of you dies. _ _   
_ __   
“There is nothing to die anymore. You’re free, your playground is cuffed to a headboard.” Hoseok smiled in resignation. Hyungwon bit his lip in concentration, probably considering mercy. 

“Have you realised how sensitive your body becomes to all kind of stimulation the longer you push off your orgasm? That’s basically what I live for,” he whispered and let the little ball in his hand glide along Hoseok’s leg and over his erection. Leaning forward and pressing a kiss to Hoseok’s lips, he inserted it into him and immediately sat down on his lap, watching Hoseok’s expression curiously. “Okay?”   
  
“I wasn’t okay before and I’m not okay now, so I guess yes.” The sensitivity drove him mad. Hyungwon didn’t understand the way his whole body screamed in music. Fuck. He just hoped the other would finally have mercy and sit down on him. Luckily some kind of god or devil must have been on his side as Hyungwon nodded and lined his erection up.

“After you rimmed me I doubt I need any prep. Fuck, I like the tight feeling anyway,” he whispered as he slowly slid down, biting down on his lips and falling forward a little at the sensation. As if knowing that it would be hard on Hoseok he squeezed the base of his erection tightly, pushing off orgasm.  _   
_ __   
It felt like doing archery. Bending the bow, arrow already ready to shoot, only that you had to stay like that for minutes, long, strainful minutes, not able to shoot but also not able to let go of the arrow and the bow. 

Hyungwon made him feel all kinds of things. 

“Fuck my life,” the man on top of him murmured as he lifted his hips and rolled them on his way down, sight similar to the first time Hoseok had been inside of him, almost performing a choreography with the way he was able to move. “I feel like you’ve never been this hard before, shit.”

When Hoseok felt dangerously close, amount of stimulation overwhelming, Hyungwon slipped off his lap suddenly, turning off the vibrations, taking the small toy out and looking a little out of it. The other man was breathing heavily as he stared at him.  
  
“Open it,” Hoseok said, voice low and clear, eyes a little crazed and wrists shaking to point at what he was talking about. The mesmerizing, naked man in front of him bit down on his plump lower lip, already blood red from all the effort and Hoseok could swear he saw his dick twitch at his words while the other man crawled towards the headboard slowly. Licking over his lips, the black-haired man loosened the ribbon slowly from Hoseok’s injured hand. Taking another deep breath and shifting his legs, visibly affected by the look in Hoseok’s eyes alone, Hyungwon leaned over further to reach the handcuff, not saying a single word and finally opening it.   
  
His legs curled around the thin body, right hand next to his side. He used the left one and his legs to turn them both around, landing on top of Hyungwon. Martial arts were really useful in situations one could’ve never predicted. His breathing was way too fast and shaky, but it didn’t matter, he stared down, propping himself up on the other arm. Hyungwon was lying completely still below him, eyes wide and lips parted, beautiful red color filling them out. His hands were close to his head, resting on the pillow, halfway covered by his shirt and making him look even more ethereal than he already was, black-hair contrasting with the white pillow. The longer he stared at Hoseok the more the tension and how affected Hyungwon was became obvious, teeth beginning to nibble on his lower lip in impatience.   
  
“So, you want me to fuck you?” Hoseok asked, eyes probably still way too intimidating. He was acting like a hungry, furious animal and he fucking was one after the half an hour of torture. Hyungwon remained still below him, watching him with blown pupils and nodding slowly, not a sound leaving his lips. He must have liked Hoseok like that, suddenly so speechless despite his constant dirty talk.   
  
“Fine.” He lifted his upper body and found the bottle of lube, opening it with his teeth and squeezing it directly onto his erection. One hand had to be enough. He threw it aside and glared at Hyungwon, lying under him in absolute submission, so unlike him, but fuck it was so attractive. He propped himself up on his right elbow and pushed himself in slowly, waiting until Hyungwon gave the ok. He didn’t have to wait for long as Hyungwon just moaned immediately and curled his legs around Hoseok’s hips, pulling him closer to his body but keeping his arms above his head. His lips remained parted and his eyes were wide-open and focused on Hoseok, each little movement of Hoseok’s hips reflecting on the other man’s face.   
  
He stopped moving and leaned down, placing kisses all over the golden skin, sucking on his neck and his collarbones, biting into the soft earlobe and catching the plump lips with his teeth, tongue sliding over them and inside his mouth. He moved out and thrusted in with force, lips still attached. Hyungwon screamed into his mouth, most of the noise caught by his lips and Hoseok felt how the other’s legs shook at the feeling, hands clenched into fists right next to his face. It was as if Hyungwon tried hard to keep his hands in place, remain in Hoseok’s control without acting on his own. Hoseok repeated his movements, trying to fit the angle, to make the other see stars.    
  
“You can touch me, no need to restrain yourself.” Hoseok smirked and hit full force once again, burying himself deep inside the other man. Hyungwon's hands instantly circled around his neck, pulled his hair and fingers grasped his shoulders tightly, instantly followed by another scream and Hyungwon giving up on restrain and throwing his head back, eyes closing at the onslaught of pleasure. The moans were loud, only superseded by the screams that followed each time Hoseok hit dead on, setting the other man’s body on fire.   
  
“Shit, I want to touch you, but I can’t.” Hoseok hated being imobile. He wanted to make the other feel all the pleasure at once but he needed his fucking arm to hold himself up. Hyungwon just shook his head, closing his eyes tightly and gasping at each movement, pulling Hoseok closer towards himself with his long legs, one hand pulling his hair as the other sank lower, burying itself in the firm muscles of his ass.    
  
“Want me to go faster?” he asked, wishing to make up for the lack of touch and to know what Hyungwon really wanted. The other nodded furiously and tightened his grip, lips parting again and lower lip a little bloody from biting down on it.

“Fuck me up,” Hyungwon whispered, pupils impossibly blown.   
  
The way the black-haired man under him looked did something Hoseok couldn’t quite explain. It was as if every previous thought had been replaced by the prominent wish to make the other see stars, be satisfied, happy, full of endorphins, everything at once. He picked up speed, still coordinating his thrusts perfectly, trying to hit upwards with force, just the way Hyungwon liked it. The silent treatment Hyungwon had been giving him broke, screams completely unrestrained and curses spilling from his lips non stop, head thrown to the left and the right repeatedly. His eyes lost focus a little bit, not trained on Hoseok anymore as he came, before Hoseok although he had been torturing him for ages. 

Hyungwon’s whole body turned limp, even the hand that had been grabbing Hoseok’s hair tightly fell to the bed and the other man breathed harshly, sucking in air as if he had been lacking it for several minutes. Hoseok propped up on the right elbow and placed a kiss on his blood red lips, left hand stroking the velvety skin and basking in Hyungwon’s fucked out state which happened to be the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. 

Taking a deep breath the other man finally opened his eyes, big and brown, smile hushing over his face as he kissed back and stroked Hoseok’s cheek with his left hand.

“You make no fucking sense, Hoseok,” he whispered and giggled. “You were dying to come just a while ago and now you’re suddenly fine just being inside of me?”   
  
“I was dying to fuck you, it’s different.” He smiled back. “Besides, being inside of you is outworldly, do you expect me to just fuck you against the headboard while you’re lying there like this?”    


Hyungwon looked a little uncomfortable at the question, looking to the side as usual as if to avoid Hoseok seeing his facial expression.

“Sorry, habits die hard,” he murmured before turning back and circling his arms around Hoseok’s neck and kissing him intensely. “I love you. Go all out, babe, I’m fine.”   
  
He did, but he only needed a couple of fast movements to release himself inside the beautiful man. Hyungwon’s eyes widened briefly and he placed a kiss on Hoseok’s lips quickly, pulling him close and keeping him on top of him.

“I wonder if this is what women feel all the time,” he said and chuckled to himself, stroking over Hoseok’s hair absentmindedly. “Be careful in case you plan on pulling out any time soon cause it’ll be kind of messy, I think.” He laughed. “Actually I have no fucking idea cause I’ve never done this before.”    
  
“Not the women I slept with,” Hoseok commented, but Hyungwon was right. The tissues were right next to them so he gave them to the person under him who happened to have more than one functioning limb. “I’m so thankful to you for being with me. I love you so much, although you put me through hell half an hour ago, but then you just lie there under me and fuck my life, everything turns irrelevant and I just love you.” Damn, Hoseok was some sappy fucker, he didn’t even know before. Previously he just wanted to be alone after sex, people making the aftermath unnecessarily complex. But it was so different with him. 

_ You are different with him, Hoseok.  _

Hyungwon paused in the process of grabbing a tissue, still buried under Hoseok and began laughing.

“Funnily enough I was just in the process of thinking ‘is this a weird moment to say that for the first time in my life I am not having any destructive or negative thoughts when I look at the person I like, holy fuck, Hoseok’, but then you just go out and throw all that positivity at me. Fuck, I love you too.” He just threw the tissues to the side again and pressed himself closer to Hoseok’s body, kissing his lips repeatedly and stroking his hair. Hoseok felt like a beautiful mass that was melting into the proximity and warmth of the mesmerizing body under him, happiness overflowing and a slow melody playing in his head.   
  
“In the end, it’s him and I, him and I,” he hummed. 

“Stay solid, never lie to you. Swear, most likely imma die with you,” Hyungwon murmured in reply, kissing his neck and fingers repeatedly running over the fine hair on Hoseok’s neck.   
  
“Then don’t turn around if something is uncomfortable, just stare at my face instead.” Hoseok kissed the other, softly tracing his jawline with his lips. 

“I’m sorry, it’s a habit. I just do it automatically,” Hyungwon murmured and looked to the side before immediately looking back. “Fuck. Sorry, I’ll look at you, only you.” The other man's expression was so vulnerable and genuine, staring at him and inhaling slowly.   


It was everything Hoseok had ever wanted.    
  
_ Him. _   
  
_

  
  
Hoseok sat on his piano chair, practising a piece for the concert that was scheduled for the end of the week, but the noises behind the door didn’t let him concentrate properly. He closed his eyes. The loud voices were constantly echoing in his ears, so prominent and accusing.

_ Why the fuck can’t he play like the others? _

_ Why does he scream and cry all the time, get that fixed! You know how much money I put into this? _

_ It better be worth it in the end. _

_ He’s old enough to not act for pity, why can’t he just go out and play like a real pianist would? _

_ Why are you always sheltering him? He’ll grow up to be a softie everybody will kick around, he should learn about the way the world works. _

_ Be sure he can’t meet anybody until this issue is fixed. _

He hit a key, the sound numbing the voices a tiny bit, before he pressed another one. The melody carried him somewhere far away, until the voice in his head joined the melody.

_ Why are you even doing it if you can’t do it properly? _

_ Why are you so frustrated with yourself, just go out and do it like everybody else. _

_ You don’t deserve to be happy and meet others. _

_ Make sure to give all that money back, Hoseok. _

His hands fell down on the keys, creating a dissonance of a million sounds. He didn’t care who was right and he also didn’t care about anything else. His breathing became faster not calming down until he stood up and walked over to the wall, hitting his head against it with force.

It felt better, the pain numbed his senses, voices unrecognizable anymore, only silence surrounding him for a while. It felt as if he was free. Free to think and do what he wanted. He closed his eyes and jumped out of the window, flying with his arms spread like wings, looking over all those little houses and the families in them, kids playing on the playgrounds, not caring about anything, arguing and laughing. It wasn’t scary and he didn’t feel any fear, flying so high, free like the stars and the moon, like the birds flying next to him and free like music.

_ It’s okay. Everything will be okay, if you have the piano and music. Nobody will be able to hurt you as long as you have it. _

Tears ran down his cheeks without a sound, he learned to cry silently, so nobody would see or hear. He also learned not to say anything he thought about. The countless hours spent without the piano closed up in a room taught him well. He wished to be invisible, his body dissipating into thin air, but soul still able to move around, feel and see all those things he couldn’t because he was bad at the only thing he should’ve been able to do well.

_ You are invisible if you want to. Just fly away and nobody will be able to do anything. _

His head hurt and a black hole started eating up his sight.

_ You hit it too hard, you idiot, why can’t you do one thing right. _

_

 

Hoseok opened his eyes and looked around. After a couple of minutes he recognized Hyungwon’s room, equipment lying around everywhere and the beautiful black-haired man resting his head on his chest. The vanilla scent clouded his senses, so intoxicating and overwhelming. A smile crept up his face at the dream, a memory from his childhood. He must’ve been eight or nine, his third or fourth concussion, he couldn’t recollect. It was strange dreaming about it now, now that he felt happy.

_ Are you happy? _

Yes.

Both voids, Hyungwon’s and his weren’t meant to drown in, instead they had melted together and created a mass. A mass they could lean on, build something on, be together on.

He couldn’t wait for the other to wake up. Share the dream with him, even if it meant showing his scary past, the scars he carried around till now and fucked up thought patterns he had developed to deal with everything around him. Hyungwon needed to know. Everything about him. Maybe then the mesmerizing person would’ve been able to understand how much it meant that Hoseok loved him. That he was the most important entity to him next to his piano, more than his piano, that he was music.

_ That he makes you feel free. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost over, only the Epilogue left. Thank you so much for enjoying it with us, we loved each and every comment and the love you showed us on Twitter. It's important for us, that the issues don't dissappear, it is about the positive attitude and the willingness of both characters to work on it. We're emotional that it's ending, but please look forward to our new fic that is coming very soon. 
> 
> Music rec's:  
> Mendelssohn’s violin concerto E minor  
> Halsey & G-Eazy - Him and I
> 
> The final chapter "Epilogue" will be posted on the 7th at 2PM CET. 
> 
> We write one character each, also every interaction independend of the perspective.  
> @Hichanchen writes Hyungwon (and Minhyuk+Jooheon) and  
> @Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok (and Kihyun+Changkyun)
> 
> Hit us up on Twitter  
> @Hichanchen  
> @Smut_Hemingway  
> We are extremely happy about every comment and every click. You are one of the major reasons we write. (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	20. EPILOGUE: FINAL CHAPTER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the last one.
> 
> Thank you so much!

His sweaty hands rubbed over his pant-clad thighs nervously as Hyungwon sat down on the chair. It was sufficiently comfortable and reminded him of the type of dinner table chairs his parents had, padded with a repulsive pattern and meant to make you feel like a fucking king once you sat on it. It didn't make a lot of sense but Hyungwon couldn't help immediately detesting the piece of furniture although it was only meant to harbour his scrawny ass.

His hands wiped over the fabric of his pants again, sweat not disappearing although he had heard Hoseok play countless of times and should have been used to it by now. Yes, it was going to be beautiful. Yes, he might end up semi-hard because he had classical music boners. Yes, he might also cry but he hoped that he had heard the music often enough to not be that affected anymore. Was he less nervous about the whole thing because of that? Fuck no. 

He sighed and closed his eyes for a few seconds. When he opened them again, Hoseok was sitting down at the piano, letting his fingers slide over the keys carefully, treating them like a precious baby.

Hyungwon could see how the other man breathed in deeply, not looking in his direction until his fingers touched the keys and began playing Liszt. His back was straightened and his fingers were held as if water drops were about to fall from them. Just that it had been notes, clear and beautiful notes. 

Goosebumps spread along Hyungwon's arms and legs and he hissed, basking in the way Hoseok looked when he played piano. The urge to walk over to him and place his head on the other man’s shoulder was overwhelming, but he controlled himself. Being close to the best pianist he had ever encountered hadn't been the point. Listening to him play was and damn Hoseok delivered.

It felt like the notes floated away from the piano, each chord making its own decision on when it wished to be played and to fill out the acoustic space. Hoseok himself moved with the music, sometimes fast, sometimes slow and throwing his head back occasionally while keeping his eyes closed.

Hyungwon felt thankful, thankful that he was able to hear this, to see Hoseok melt into the music like that, without Hyungwon touching his shoulders and breathing against his neck. It was breathtakingly beautiful and he knew that no picture, painting or recording would have been able to do the scene justice. It was his to keep in memory. Forever. 

It felt like the blink of an eye, but when Hoseok began to play the last piece Hyungwon felt emotions rise in his chest he hadn’t been aware of. It was the same melody. The exact same piece of Liszt that Hoseok had played in Amsterdam when Hyungwon had asked him to play, taking his breath away and numbing his senses. It was the piece that had begun something that he had never assumed would bring him this far, giving him such a wonderful and surreal human being as a present, not only as a friend but something entirely different. Whatever they had been before, strangers? Enemies? None of it applied anymore and Hoseok was right with saying that none of the conventional terms had been doing them justice. 

_ You got that love, the crazy kind, Hyungwon. _

It was unexpected, the sensation of burning liquid on his cheeks. Hoseok had done it again. He had made Hyungwon cry like a baby although he was happy as fuck. It felt a little pathetic but Hoseok was damn infectious when it came to not giving a shit, so he sniffed and rubbed his hands over his thigh again. 

The woman next to him smiled, her lips and how they parted were so impossibly familiar that Hyungwon couldn't help but return the smile, tears still staining his face. Her warm hand landed on his, pausing his rubbing movements on his thigh and squeezed it once before a tissue was placed on his lap. After an affectionate nod her attention returned to Hoseok playing piano on stage. 

Hyungwon wasn't even able to say thank you, gaze immediately focusing on the way the other man had closed his eyes, strong heartbeat visible, even from afar and how he finished up the piece with a smile on his lips. 

_ How could you ever want anything else, Hyungwon? You're blessed. You're fucking blessed.  _

He didn't even realize how people around him stood up and the deafening noise of clapping filled the room. The uproar was overwhelming and his heart hammered in his chest, the wish to run past everyone pulsating in his veins. He wanted to squish Hoseok in his embrace, but he couldn't. This was Hoseok’s moment and his mother, who had been gently holding onto Hyungwon's sleeve, would have probably never forgiven him for inviting her over and leaving her behind while embarrassing her son in front of all those people. 

Fuck, what had he been thinking? He sucked at meeting parents, he always did and although Hoseok’s mom didn't bow and acted chill as fuck, he still fell into his previous behavioural patterns, bowing like an idiot and attempting to speak Korean to her. 

“Hyungwon dear, I think we should get going. Everyone is already leaving and you can stare at the unoccupied piano at home, I'm sure,” the beautiful woman next to him whispered while looking so much like Hoseok that he felt mesmerized everytime he glanced at her. Unable to answer anything proper he just nodded, grabbing the bouquet of flowers he had prepared, especially huge because he had enough things to compensate for, and walked towards the backstage. 

_ Hoseok doesn't fucking know you brought his mom. What if he'll choke you instead of being happy? _

The closer they got to Hoseok’s preparation room, the more Hyungwon felt nervous, unable to predict Hoseok’s reactions, because he never could. When they finally reached the door he took a deep breath, lifting his left hand to enter as Hoseok’s mother gave him a curious stare, still holding onto his sleeve. 

_ Please let him be happy.  _ __  
__  
The black-haired man turned around and his mouth opened almost immediately, creating this incredibly cute expression Hoseok had when he was surprised, but not negatively.

That was good, very good. 

Hyungwon immediately pressed the flowers into Hoseok’s chest, unsure how to act since his mother was there and he really didn't want to flash her. Confused beyond belief he just placed a kiss on the other man's cheek and congratulated him sincerely.

“You were f- really amazing out there, Hoseok,” he whispered, stopping his curse-language just in time. 

Hoseok’s mother chuckled behind him and whatever Hyungwon's own chuckle sounded like, he wanted it to be as unbothered as she made it seem. 

“I’m sure that even if you had called it fucking amazing we would have been underestimating him,” she said cheerfully and squished Hoseok in her arms. It looked a little funny because she was about two-thirds of his size and really thin. Hyungwon felt a little out of place but happy about Hoseok’s surprise.    
  
“Oh god, I missed you so much mom.” Hoseok’s voice was emotional while he placed kisses on his mother’s cheeks and looked at her like she was some kind of godly creature before glancing to the side. “Why is she here? Was it you?” he asked, watching Hyungwon’s facial expressions with a soft look on his face. It felt even more awkward and Hyungwon shrugged with his shoulders while wishing that his parents weren't such stuck-up pricks.

“I just got her from the airport and brought her here, no biggy.” 

Hoseok’s mother shook her head quickly, kissing her son's cheek and pointing at Hyungwon, outing him shamelessly. 

“Hyungwon over here, called me over your phone and told me all secretly that you have a performance and gave all those details in very complex Korean I barely understood. He also helped me with the tickets and planned the trip. You never told me about him in your letters.” It still felt weird to see an elderly Korean woman talking in English. 

Hyungwon was blushing like an idiot and wished that making grand gestures for other people wasn't so damn embarrassing. How did Hoseok do this all the time? Bringing flowers to a club because Minhyuk told him Hyungwon loved that shit, picking him up after a huge ass performance not bothering with his identity. It was admirable.    
  
“But I told you that I can play now, right? It’s because of him. Everything is.” Hoseok turned serious all of the sudden, his mother had been observing every change in his facial expressions intently. She smiled, stroking over his cheek before she turned to Hyungwon. 

“That was you? Why didn't you say anything, Hyungwon? I have to admit that from your letters I assumed it was a woman, Hoseok,” she remarked and suddenly hugged him before she turned back to Hoseok, probably expecting an explanation.    
  
“I love him.” Hoseok was just being Hoseok while speaking without any kind of thought or reason. “I love him so much, I don’t want to hit my head against walls anymore.” Something in his mother’s expression changed and her eyes sparkled, wet from tears. The other man turned around facing Hyungwon. “You’re the reason I feel free for the first time in my life.” 

Hyungwon felt speechless, his eyes were burning with the familiar sensation of tears but he bit it back, fists clenching and unclenching to release the pressure differently. 

“How do you feel about him, Hyungwon?” Hoseok’s mother asked carefully, arms still partially around him and grasping Hoseok’s palm tightly, as if she had known that it had been the injured one. 

Hyungwon glanced at Hoseok, seeing how determined he looked, as if he only had eyes for him and was so fucking happy compared to the desperation Hyungwon had seen in them before. Hoseok was capable of playing in front of people and did that so beautifully and the best part of the whole thing was that Hyungwon was allowed to be part of it. 

_ Be like him, Hyungwon. Just say it all out like him. _

He unclenched his fists, smiling at Hoseok’s mother before glancing at the person that had become the most important entity in his life over the past months. His chest felt impossibly full and he wished for a way to express it. 

“It's just him and I for me.”

_ You expressed it once and it still applies, Hyungwon. _

_ You're not strangers.  _

_ You're not lovers.  _

_ It's just him and you and that's all that matters.  _

_ _ _

Hyungwon's chest felt heavy and for once it wasn't because of the poisonous cocktail of emotions he had been carrying around with himself but because of the weight of Hoseok’s head, lying on his chest, unmoving because the beautiful man was asleep. 

It still felt unusual to see him with black hair. The contrast to his skin had been so extreme that Hyungwon had asked him more than once whether he was okay just because he seemed pale. His fingers stroked over Hoseok’s beautiful face, brushing a few stray strands to the side, uncovering the peaceful expression on his face. 

A mere month ago Hyungwon had been lying in the exact same spot, haunted by a panic attack and afraid of losing something he didn't deserve and didn't even own in the first place. Hoseok had been the salvation he yearned for, believing that he was too good to be his, too pure and too beautiful. Not supposed to be tainted.

_ It wasn't true. None of it.  _

Hoseok wasn't the salvation and he wasn't too good to be his, too pure or too beautiful, but he also didn't have to be. He was Hyungwon's and loved him the way he was, be it with a gigantic void inside of him or while being unable to look the other man in the eyes when he was embarrassed. Both of them weren't perfect and they didn't have to be. They gave each other something that no one else could. 

__ You are happy, Hyungwon.  
  
__ And you deserve to be.    


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We would like to sincerely thank each of you for reading, commenting, liking and retweeting our updates, talking about the fic on Twitter and discussing with us in group chats. You're the best readers and we had so much fun writing it and staying in touch with you.
> 
> THANK YOU AND WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!
> 
> The new Hyungwonho fanfic is coming your way very soon as we've written most of it already. But before that, please look forward to a small Valentines Day surprise on the 14th of February =)
> 
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> We love you Lena. No joke.


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